Feels like I lost everything
Assalamualaikum. Not sure where to begin or what I’m looking for. Guess I just needed a place to vent. So here we go.
Two years ago I met this guy. I felt as if he was meant to be mine. My naseeb. Everything felt so natural. Our parents knew. It was all set. We were to get married this year in December. I felt over the moon. Families were getting along.
Two years was the timeline he wanted from me. At that time he said he would feel more secure getting married at 26. I didn’t mind. I thought im only 23. What’s two more years? And parents were involved so what can go wrong?
But this year July, he admitted to not feeling ready for marriage. He said he loves me and wants to be with me but he gets really bad panic attacks when he thinks about marriage. He told me two years ago he felt confident that he could be a husband but now he feels like a kid. He fears responsibility.
We broke it off. The parents also ended the connection. Then the same day he came back. saying he cant live without me and will go through with it. So his mom and him call my parents and ask for nikkah again. This time I told him I’m not willing to wait for December anymore. And that if he wants me in his life, we get just the nikkah done within a week.
He lives far away by himself for work so he came down to where we live. Three days before nikkah, he becomes extremely anxious. Doesn’t eat or sleep. Speaks to himself and crying that he doesn’t wanna lose me but also doesn’t feel ready.
His mom and my dad talk and they agree to let him see a therapist and get his anxiety in control.
His therapist said he has a lot of unresolved childhood trauma.
It’s been two weeks since then. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him a lot and pray for him to get better. He said he will try his best to fix his anxiety. I’m giving him time to get better.
But he expressed that he’s trying but he doesn’t know if he will be ready by next year June. He said he feels selfish for keeping me around while he gets better and making me wait. I feel selfish for causing him so much anxiety.
I know he’s genuinely trying his best. And he himself has told me this fear of his doesn’t make sense because logically he knows his fears don’t make sense. He told me his fears have nothing to do with me. More so he feels like a kid. Afraid of bearing husband responsibilities. (Even tho we both are doing long distance due to work). He has cried to many times saying he wishes he could take this fear away.
But anyways, Parents know that we have until next year June for him to improve. Then they’ll start looking for me seriously.
But idk anymore. I’m emotional drained and i just pray to Allah to forgive me and take me peacefully. I know I have my sins but I’ve repented. And repenting. It’s hard to wake up every morning and pretend that everything’s okay.
It’s hard to be alive.
My younger sister is getting her nikkah done next week. She met an amazing man Alhamdulillah. And so everyone’s really excited. But my parents keep saying in desi culture it looks bad if the older sister isn’t married by the time the little sister gets married.
I’m so ashamed. Even so I pretend to be happy for everyone’s sake. I just question why this is happening. I never imagined I’d be going through this situation. I considered how life would be if I just moved on from him. But I cant. I cant love someone else as much as I love him.
Not to mention seeing how marriages are these days, I cant trust anyone to not screw me over.
I just pray that Allah forgives me and takes me now.