u/Daddybone236

I know I struggle with retroactive jealousy. I know I’m insecure. I’m working on this in therapy but I’m still trying to figure out how to frame this mentally.

I went through my fiancés phone and saw some messages to her friends. It essentially said “I just be fucking. I feel like a slut because my body count is getting so high”. This message was sent years and years and years ago but it’s still hurts me so bad every time I think about it. How do I get over this?

And yes, before you ask I admitted to her I went through her phone and breached her privacy. She didn’t even care because she has nothing to hide.

I know I struggle with retroactive jealousy. I know I’m insecure. I’m working on this in therapy but I’m still trying to figure out how to frame this mentally.

I went through my fiancés phone and saw some messages to her friends. It essentially said “I just be fucking. I feel like a slut because my body count is getting so high”. This message was sent years and years and years ago but it’s still hurts me so bad every time I think about it. How do I get over this?

And yes, before you ask I admitted to her I went through her phone and breached her privacy. She didn’t even care because she has nothing to hide.

I know I have retroactive jealousy. I’m in therapy for that now. How do you get over it? My lady was sleeping around with a bunch of guys in the past and it’s just so painful to think about. How do yall handle a situation like that?

I’m genuinely in love with my fiancé. She is perfect in every way and most of our relationships are only due to our own insecurities. My big insecurity is around intimacy. I’ve always felt validated by sex and have been trying to find as much value in other things as I have sex. When we went through our honeymoon daily sex phase, everything was great but when it slowed down to 1-3 times a week, I freaked out. I talked about it way too much which just added a pressure to her and made her feel like she wasn’t doing enough. I began to work on this and was doing really well in therapy.

Then one day, through my own insecure actions, I found out how many people she had been with sexually (30+). Obviously this is a higher number but it’s truthfully not that far off from mine. But in learning this I developed a worse retroactive jealousy than before and have been working to get over that through therapy. We’ve seen a ton of improvement until recently.

We spent some time on a vacation and I got so ridiculously anxious that she wasn’t going to prioritize sex on this trip that I just ruined the whole thing. I started arguments and really cut off the possibility of anything happening before it could. I feel terrible and now I just feel defeated. I had worked so much on making progress and I just keep betraying myself. She told me that the reason we have had intimacy issues in the first place is because of these arguments and heavy discussions over sex.

I also can’t stop having the anxious thoughts that led to this like “why am I not desirable enough for her to be obsessed with sex like I am”, “why am I putting in this effort for sex when all those guys who didn’t give a fuck about her got what I was asking for” “I’m just not good enough and we’re going to end up in a dead bedroom”. It’s awful and I don’t believe any of it but it’s deflated me to where I don’t feel like I have the ability to give us the patience and support until we get back to where we need to be.

I’ve had a bum shoulder for a while. About 10 years ago, I felt it pop out and had a severe pain. I would pop it out pretty consistently while playing basketball and it popped back in myself but it’d be sore for a day or two after. Once I started going to the gym, it stopped popping out but the pain and discomfort would still come back from time to time.

I’ve always had a weakish chest and underdeveloped shoulders because of this but I was making some major improvements in my routine recently until I started feeling the aching worse than ever. It’s in the back of my shoulder and I feel a pain when I rotate my arm and when I press any amount of weight. My shoulder also droops lower than the other one. It really popped up one day when I was doing pec flys. Does anyone know what this is or how to address it?

I’ve struggled with RJ before but it’s been the worse it’s been with my fiancé. I found out she had 32 past sexual partners. This was a tough pill to swallow and I am very much still working on it, but it was more about the insecurity it brought out in me than it ever was about what she had done. I am not fully healed yet, I still have ruminating thoughts, anxieties, and mental imagery. But after going through hell, I can confidently say that I am at a point where I could live with these feelings for the rest of my life and be truly happy.

It does get better. It does get easier. My hope is that it will eventually be nonexistent. But you have to put in the work to understand yourself and your feelings first. It won’t hurt to away on its own and it takes a lot of mental fortitude but it is absolutely worth it. I know it’s hard, but I truly feel like im a better man for it and that makes it all worth while. This sub did in fact play a larger part in that both negatively and positively. Positively because there is so much good advice and support here. We’re the only ones who know what’s we’re going through. Negatively because this place has gotten really toxic. We’re here for support, not to wallow in our own misery. Seriously, we all know what we need to do to turn this sub around, so let’s do it. No more negative thinking. So I have a few take aways that hopefully will help someone else and will probably help myself in the future.

1. We all are going through very similar things despite our
   differences in situations. To me, that means our struggles are deeply internal. To fix this, focus inward, not on your partner

2. You have to accept all possibilities. So many of us blame our partner or feel trapped. It’s so important to know that we can make the decision to break up or stay. Whatever it is we decide to do as we work through this, have the confidence and mindfulness that it is your decision. The latter only builds resentment.

3. DO NOT SEEK MORE INFORMATION. Please for the love of god do not ask your partner for information you don’t want to know. It doesn’t help. It perpetuates the cycle and it will not end until we stop that. I truly believe that if each of us didn’t hear that first piece of knowledge and got over those initial small compulsions, we would all not be dealing with these things.

4. Treat your partner with respect. Don’t let what you’re going through affect them. It’s not their fault even if you have a sexual value difference. Don’t make it their issue that they had a life before you. If you cannot do that consistently, just let them go. Don’t put them through that pain.

5. SERIOUSLY, STOP SEEKING NEW INFORMATION.

6. Radical acceptance is the only way. Accept their past. Accept your own past. We all only get one life and there is no need to think about what could’ve been. If you want a different life, change it but don’t sit around waiting for it to change for you.

7. Help each other. Each and every one of us knows what we need to do. Each of us could give each other the best advice possible but it’s so hard to follow it ourselves. So support each other. We’re probably the only people in the world that understand these struggles and everyone is willing to help. But do it with the best intentions.

8. Know that this is not you. Like any other sickness, this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It stems from something and it’s something we have to work against. Some people are deaf, some people are blind, some people are perfectly healthy, and some people have retroactive jealousy. It’s just the luck of the draw and we all drew a pretty shitty but manageable stick.

9. Be patient. It won’t feel better in a day. It won’t feel better in a month. It may not feel better in a year. But be patient as long as you can. Don’t do any more harm to yourself while you do. If there is one day where you aren’t able to be patient anymore, that’s fine. But if you can’t, then that relationship isn’t meant for you. But if you can wake up every day and do your best to be patient, you will work through this.

I am hear for advice or support to all of you as I’m sure you are to me! We’re getting through this together.

I have been having some intimacy problems with my fiancé mostly due to my retroactive jealousy and self esteem issues about her promiscuous past. I have acted terrible towards our own intimacy and have real issues I am working on in therapy to address them. But I have placed unneeded pressure on our sex life and my fiancé that I am trying to correct.

One night after she rejected my initiation, I wrongly acted cold and distant. The next morning, I realized how awful I was being and apologized and suggested we take a pause in our intimacy while I search for validation in other areas (after only previously receiving it through sex). The pause has been helpful at allowing her to feel less pressure and more trust in me and it’s given me the space to identify other areas of validation I can look for from her. It’s been about a month now and we’ve remained sexually disconnected the entire time.

But I am beginning to worry about her lack of interest in returning to our intimacy. She has remained sexually distant and hasn’t really shown any desire or craving to return to being sexually active. I’m consumed with thoughts that she would have preferred to be sexually active with men in her past and she’s so unbothered by our lack of intimacy because of me. I know the goal of this is to give her space and I want to continue doing so but I also hoped it would bring us closer and I feel like the exact opposite is happening.

I don’t want to bring this up to her because it defeats the purpose and I love the comfort she is feeling. But am I doing this the right way? Is there a time where I should bring it up? I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m ready yet but I was hoping she would at least be by now. I just feel like I’m going backwards.

TLDR: Is the pause to my intimacy with my fiancé making our sex life worse?

I want to start by saying my fiancé is amazing. She’s funny, smart, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, loyal, kind, and so passionate about life. I love her so much and since this post is about her sexual past, I want to say to anyone who’s redpilled, just stay away and keep that bs to yourself.

I have had retroactive jealous and ROCD in the past. I became hyper fixated on my current partners sexual history even though I had previously told her I didn’t want to know. The ruminating thoughts eventually caught up to me and I found texts from years ago referencing her “high body count”. I immediately spiraled after I found this and told her I wanted to know. She told me it was 32. I then told her I went through her phone and she graciously forgave me and even though I reacted well at first the intrusive thoughts, rumination, feelings of disgust, and self esteem issues all began to flood in.

For a while it was so discomforting but I got on medication for this and other issues and began therapy with someone who could target this. This happened about a monthish ago so I’m still fairly new to this but I am feeling better in most ways.

But I struggle with some issues still.

1. I still have intrusive thoughts and feelings of disgust. It’s mostly mental imagery of her with her past partners and the idea that she was promiscuous.
2. I worry I don’t stack up to them. I think we have a wonderful physical sexual connection but I have always had intimacy worries. This has caused us to have some disconnect and made some parts of intimacy hard for her. I feel like I’m making something fun that she had fun with others not as satisfying with me.
3. I had a previous partner and dead bedroom relationship. After we broke up, she slept with multiple other men and compared me to them when we reconnected months later. This made me feel like our dead bedroom was a me issue even though she had reassured me it was her. This makes me worry that I won’t be able to handle the thought of having a dead bedroom with my fiancé now even though she was promiscuous in the past.

I’m really just looking for some solutions or ways to tackle this. It feels like I permanently changed our relationship dynamic by snooping and I just want to stop obsessing over these things.

Ok, I’m not looking for any judgment, I know I’m insecure and I fully believe that everyone has a right to their own past. But I recently found out that my fiancé had 32 sexual partners in her past sexual history: I’m assuming most were in college and casual situations over the course of a couple years before we met. I know I shouldn’t have asked but it was eating me up and I lost myself in that moment.

I have like 12 partners myself and 2 of them were long term partners. I don’t know if this matters at all. But now I get so overwhelmingly jealous/bothered by her past. It’s to the point where I can’t even see a picture of her in the years before me because I knew what she was doing at that point.

I don’t want to care. I wouldn’t care if it was anyone else in the world but it’s almost like I love her so much I get jealous of other people before me. It’s almost like I have FOMO because I didn’t have those experiences. I hate it and I don’t know why I feel this way it’s like my emotions and my logic are at war. I love her and she’s amazing in every way but how do I stop this internal battle?

My partner and I are working through a very tough time. i am currently in therapy for these issues, but i have major insecurities that have caused a bout of retroactive jealous among other things. Firstly, I went through her phone and found a reference to her sexual partners from years ago. I was weak minded and asked her how many had she slept with and she told me it was 30. I didn’t shame her for her past, but I immediately developed an insecurity over it.

My biggest insecurity stems from this. My first relationship ended in a 6 month dead bedroom. We were sexually active right before we broke up but she always assured me that those issues were due to her libido. After we broke up, she slept with 10+ men in the next couple months and compared each of our sexual performance to each other. I felt that I was the problem because I just wasn’t desirable to her.

Fast forward to now, I slept with 15+ women after my first relationship but my issues still persist. At the beginning of this relationship, we were sexually active nearly every day. We slowed down to about 1-3 times a week and I flipped out over it. I never pressured her into sex but I did voice concern regularly and rejection of my initiation would visibly affect my mood. I put a weight on our sex life that began to make it feel unsatisfying for both of us despite it physically being a mutually amazing experience every time.

I realized the damage I was doing and tried to work through it for a while but after I faltered again a couple weeks ago, I asked my fiance to put a pause on our sexual intimacy. She agreed and now I am working to learn how to receive validation in other ways. But I’m not sure if this is the right move. Should I have approached it another way? And what other things should I be doing to fix the damage I caused?

My fiancée and I have been working through some intimacy issues over the past few months, and I want to get some outside perspective on whether I’ve actually been handling it well or just managing it.

For the first 6-8 months of our relationship, we were intensely active multiple times a day, most days. Since then it’s leveled off to 1-3 times a week, which I now recognize is completely normal. But when it happened, I didn’t see it that way. Some relationship trauma from my past made me spiral into insecurity about the change, and I put a ton of unspoken pressure on our sex life. When I felt “rejected,” I’d say something about it, which just made her feel like she wasn’t satisfying me which obviously wasn’t the point and made things worse.

I also deal with retroactive jealousy, which I’m actively working through in therapy, and going through that process helped me realize I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with sex in general I only feel validated as a partner when I feel desired. That’s on me, not her, and I’ve been slowly unpacking how much I was making my own insecurity her problem to fix.

We’ve talked about this a lot, and we agreed the real issue was my mindset, not our actual sex life. For a couple months I was managing it okay, until one night I got visibly upset when she turned down my initiation. I hated that I reverted to the same reaction, so I asked if we could pause intimacy altogether so I could focus on feeling secure in other parts of our relationship instead of leaning on sex for that. She agreed, and said it might help take the pressure off entirely.

It’s been two weeks now. Everything else between us has been good, but I do miss the intimacy, and I catch myself wondering if she does too.

Was pausing things entirely the right move, or am I just delaying the same problem instead of solving it? Open to any perspective, especially from people who’ve dealt with something similar.

TLDR: Was pausing sex while I work on my insecurities a good idea?

I have retroactive jealousy with my fiancé. In that, I have become reliant on sex for validation and this has caused some problems in our relationship. During the year of our relationship, we were having sex daily. After a while, this slowed to 1-3 times a week but the change absolutely freaked me out. I had a previous partner that I had a dead bedroom for the last 4 months of our relationship and after, she quickly slept with a ton of other men. I’m worried about this in my partner now as I’m afraid I won’t be able to bring that sexual desire out of her.

This fear manifested in very negative ways and I said and did things that made my fiancé feel pressure with sex and it made me lose fulfillment. I realized I was handling the issue incorrectly and decided to ask her to pause our intimacy for a while to alleviate any pressure she is feeling and allow me some time to learn to seek validation in other ways. It’s been about 2 weeks and she has mentioned she feels more at ease without pressure but I’m worried that this could have negative consequences like us growing apart. Did I handle this the right way and make the right decision?

I (M27) am engaged to the most amazing, smart, funny, drop dead gorgeous, loyal woman ever (F28). However, I am extremely down in the dumps because of my retroactive jealousy. I have broken down a bit in the past and asked her about her sexual partners, even though I had previously told her I never wanted to know, and found out she had 32. I feel awful about this, but I have let this impact our relationship in multiple ways. I have been detached, felt anxiety, had intrusive thoughts, and felt feelings of disgust which I logically reject but emotionally cannot control.

Our views on sex are similar I believe, I’ve had 15+ partners myself. However, these feelings still persist and it harms me and I harm my relationship. My main goal is just to keep it out of our relationship, but how? How do I reject these feelings of extreme anxiety and how do I get rid of these feelings of disgust and intrusive thoughts when I logically reject them wholly? Why do I feel like I am in such a mental battle with myself? I have started therapy specifically to address this issue. But I also have been going to therapy before.

I can only think of one thing that could have caused this, but it doesn’t make sense to me. I previously had a long term relationship that slowly developed into a dead bedroom for the last 4 months or so. Shortly after we broke up, she had sex with 10+ other men and this killed me. I am terrified of this happening again, but in the opposite way. Does that even make sense? I just want to feel like I used to and I wouldn’t judge anyone else in the world about this. It feels so awful.

TLDR: Why am I feeling this way and how do I stop it from getting in the way of our relationship?

Let me start by saying my partner is amazing. She is smart, funny, 10/10 beautiful, loyal, and very passionate about me and about life. She is everything I want in a wife and life partner and I am so gracious for her.

I developed retroactive jealousy with her and became so weak minded that I snooped through her phone. In doing so, I learned about her past and asked more to find that she had 30 previous sexual partners. I have since apologized for this as I know I betrayed her trust and she graciously forgave me. I also don’t feel like we are incompatible for this as I myself have had around 15 partners myself, but I have developed ruminating thoughts, mental imagery, and feelings of disgust that I logically reject.

However, my anxiety and emotions really knock me off balance and I feel like I became a shell of myself. I jumped on SSRIs shortly before this for other anxiety issues and I also have been in therapy for 4 weeks which has helped a ton. I do feel slightly better than I have, but I want to maintain my focus on making her feel as amazing as she is without letting those thoughts dictate my mood.

Most of these feelings stem from past relationships and traumas there, but this relationship has been perfect and I have never needed to worry. In essence, nothing has changed about us but I still feel very insecure and weird. What tips or tricks can I do to maintain myself while I continue to work through therapy. I just want to make it so that I limit any relationship damage beyond what I have already done.

TLDR: how can I limit retroactive jealousy’s impact on my relationship while I work through my internal issues.

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her body count. This caused me to snoop more and ask her what it was and she told me that it was 30. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCS. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a higher end body count myself of 24 and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés body count is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her past. This caused me to snoop more and ask for more information. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected (30) and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCD. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a had partners (14) and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés romantic and sexual past is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her past. This caused me to snoop more and ask for more information. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected (30) and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCD. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a had partners (14) and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés romantic and sexual past is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her past. This caused me to snoop more and ask for more information. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected (30) and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCD. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a had partners (14) and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés romantic and sexual past is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her past. This caused me to snoop more and ask for more information. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCD. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a had partners (14) and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés romantic and sexual past is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her body count. This caused me to snoop more and ask her what it was and she told me that it was 30. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCS. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a higher end body count myself of 24 and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés body count is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?