r/ROCD

So, this relationship has been long distance for over six years and we’ve navigated struggles pretty well, for the most part. I’ve had to deal with his jealousy issues and digital surveillance and I thought we had worked that through. He agreed to cancel his subscriptions to online services that do deep dives into your online activities, after numerous false accusations of cheating and sneaky behavior. He was proven wrong every time and admitted that his insecurities caused his obsessive behavior. I almost ended the relationship because of this but he seemed determined to change. Now, I realize I maybe should have paid better attention to my gut.

Fast forward to what is now making me finally want to proceed with a break up for good. Is this something that others would deem to be the last straw?
I’ve taken medication for depression for years… long before I met him. Before I was properly diagnosed, I struggled but was functioning, never to the point of needing inpatient treatment . I am retired and used to work in social services , am quite protective of my wellness, stay compliant with medication, etc. I touch base with my provider regularly for med refills and have been stable for many years.
It was not an easy decision to be vulnerable a year or so into this relationship, and share my history of depression with my partner, but I trusted him and I did.
It hasn’t come up much at all until during a recent and especially serious argument.

I was not forthcoming with an apology and he was angry. The details would be extraneous and are probably not relevant, but do have to do with my not being available by phone for 24 hours when he wanted me to be. ( but I texted several times) One of my adult children was having major surgery and it was serious.

He accused me of having “ episodes”, he said I should have told him years ago, that they have been hard for him to deal with . When I asked him to elaborate, he initially refused, saying that “ I should know.” This totally blindsided me as I had no idea what history he was referring to. I have thought back to any depressive lows I may have encountered but couldn’t think of any specific bad ones. Eventually , he said he would share his findings with me and he sent screen shots of charts of severe Bipolar Disorder symptoms. Apparently , he got back online to uncover digital proof to prove his point.

Well , not only did he got the Dx wrong , and he clearly lacks background and knowledge of depressive disorders ; but what hurts so much is that he is weaponizing knowledge of a mental health condition ,that I trusted him with, years ago, and now he’s using it to attack me personally. I showed him my vulnerability at the beginning of the relationship. And now, out of the blue, this is coming back to bite me.
This man is not very sophisticated when it comes to mental health issues and doesn’t possess a good sense of how pervasive depressive disorders , mood disorders and bipolar disorders are in the general public. I will not apologize for how I manage my health.

The other major point is that there should NOT BE ANY stigma for mental health disorders whether we’re talking depression, bipolar, borderline personality disorder,etc. This is 2026 and no one should ever be stigmatized or made to feel “ less than”. Taking medication to stabilize brain chemistry and improve functioning is no different than taking meds for seizure disorders, diabetes, etc. for some people.

I am feeling an incredible breach of trust that a person I loved,counted on and was vulnerable with would turn on me and shame me abruptly and with no warning. It’s as if all the love, good memories, sharing, mutual trust( when we used to have it) just never existed and I’m left staring at this emptiness at what used to be. No longer do I feel there is any potential to ever feel hopeful about moving forward in this relationship. Am I finally seeing this relationship for the dysfunctional one that it has become? I’m trying to brace myself for a painful and messy breakup. I’m sad, angry, indignant, disappointed and afraid for the heartache that awaits me. I’m trying to stay strong and not reverse course because of the potential that he may change.

For those who fear. I understand that these thoughts are automatic for most of you. As they are for me. But they mean far less to me than they did before and after 3 years of working on this, I find myself more able to dismiss them and just decide to be happy. Everyone is on their own journey but the steps are similar for all of us.

My former coach told me the story of one of his clients who kept worrying that her partner was cheating. She learnt over a long period of time to reduce her compulsions, to embrace uncertainty and be OK with whatever happens.

The she found out that her partner had been cheating on her.

With her mother.

This extraordinarily horrible situation was beyond what she was afraid of. Her fears were right all along. And there's a temptation there to take away the lesson that we should indeed listen to our fears, because they can sometimes be right.

But here's the thing: Fear tricks us into believing that if we hyper-vigilantly monitor, worry, and check, we can protect ourselves against pain. But as that story proves, control is an illusion. Her obsession wouldn't have prevented the betrayal; it only would have stolen her peace before the betrayal happened.

​By choosing to reduce her energy investment in the compulsions, she didn't prevent a terrible outcome, but she reclaimed her sovereignty. She stopped letting the fear of a disaster dictate her present moment. When the worst actually happened, she wasn't left as a broken victim of an obsession—she was able to face it as a grounded, real person who had already learned how to stand in uncertainty.

​When we live our lives employing tactics to prevent our worst fears, we spend our entire lives playing defense against a phantom. Letting go of fear-driven control isn't about blinding ourselves to real risk. It's about shifting from a life built on vulnerability-reduction to a life built on purpose, presence, and genuine self-trust. Trust not that you'll get everything right, but that even if you don't, you'll be OK. You may feel pain, you may suffer, but we all do that for reasons we never saw coming in any case. Spending your energy on what could happen is an attempt of control, or insurance, because part of us thinks if we see the hit coming, it won't hurt as much, or we may be able to somehow escape it. But reality always works differently than our imagination.

​Fear is a terrible insurance policy. It charges you the price of the tragedy every single day, whether the tragedy happens or not. Reclaiming your life means deciding that your peace and capacity to live fully are worth having, even if the worst comes to pass. And the more we accept the worst case scenario as possible, but something we can get through, the less scary it is to us.

Your partner could cheat and they could easily hide it from you.

They could stop loving you.

Your relationship might turn cold someday.

But thinking about those scenarios does nothing to prevent them. And there's always a never ending supply of possible scenarios to use your energy and focus on.

You can take the energy you spend thinking about what might happen, and direct it towards making yourself a more resilient, more relaxed, more... "OK with whatever happens" person than you were before.

I used to spend so much time watching videos about relationships and psychology and related topics. But all that was coming from the place of trying to be ready for every eventuality. And while a bit of learning is helpful, when it becomes an obsession dressed up as education, it just pushed me into being a fearful person more than I needed to be.

​But lately I've concluded that my future lies not just in not worrying, but building a beautiful internal life where I know I can deal with whatever happens. Old habits die hard and this is a slow ship to turn around, but I can see it turning. I look forward to seeing how things improve in the future.

Everytime the honeymoon phase ends it's like I immediately begin checking my attarction both towards my partner and any other girl I see to make sure I'm attracted to my partner enough. My brain will try to search for and pick apart things that might seem unattractive in some kind of way, even if I know my partner is beautiful. Its mentally taxing for me because I dont want to have thoughts like that about someone I care about so dearly, especially when I know they're irrational. I've recently joined this band and the vocalist and I began dating earlier this month, and she really does feel like the closest thing I've found to a perfect person for me, but I'm still finding the doubts coming back the longer we're together just like in all the other relationships I've been in. My brain will try and say she's too tall because we're a couple inches apart or random things like that, it's been this way in every relationship and I'm too old to run from it at this point, especially because i feel I've found something really important with this girl and this band. I need to stop telling myself that every commitment will go wrong either because of me or the pther person, and that it's okay to try for something that really feels important. I'm hoping you guys are all doing well with your relationships, I've been a long time lurker but I've really felt compelled to talk about this situation because I've simply realized the ocd will always be there and I have to learn how to live with it.

Now I’ve had HOCD for 2 years straight now and in that time I’ve started dating a girl who I’ve known for 10 years and means the world to me. I really just want to be able to relax and enjoy my life with her because she’s genuinely so incredible and I love her so much. Lately though the OCD anxiety has been getting to me really badly. I’ve relapsed on porn and have been watching it almost daily, I am constantly anxious and feeling tired or just non-present, and worst of all now it’s starting to effect how I feel about things other than just sex (which OCD and ADHD has also taken a huge toll on) including how I feel when we kiss!

Lately when we kiss I feel anxiety throughout the entire exchange. I used to love kissing her because I love her so much and the way her lips feel is so nice but now it feels like I’ve lost the desire for it and that I almost dread or fear when it happens because I’m anxious the whole time. I really just want to enjoy my time with her and I’m just really upset because it seems like OCD is hell bent on taking that away from me. I’m almost constantly uncomfortable with her and it breaks my heart because I worry that I’ll never be able to feel calm and happy with her due to my illness.

A life with her sounds nice but not like this with all of the constant rumination, sexual anxiety and compulsive behaviours. I just feel very defeated today. I am in therapy and am working on starting ERP whilst also doing my best to avoid compulsions, this is mostly just me venting.

hi, i am 21M my gf is 21F. we’ve been dating for a year now and i know i’ve been struggling with RJ for abt 8 ish months.

i wanted to share some other things ive been dealing with bc im not sure if it’s like “OCD thoughts” or just smth else, if someone could give their advice id rlly appreciate it.

i find myself second guess my feelings a lot, double checking like
“did i mean it when i told her i loved her?”
“do i feel certain abt her being my wife?”
“am i settling?”
“what if there’s someone better for me?”

sometimes these thoughts cause me to like check my feelings and see how “real” they feel. im rlly afraid to hurt my gf and lead her on, she doesn’t rlly know that i have these thoughts and idk how to tell her of if i should tell her at all.

is this rocd or j my normal thinking? not rlly sure how rocd works too much

if anyone has any thoughts id rlly appreciate it

thanks

I'm talking as someone who just recently discovered at 35yo that I've always had OCD.

As a child I was obsessed with checking water and diesel tanks, cisterns, car fuel levels, engine temp levels, room temp levels. Any deviation towards low or high gave me adrenaline and a reason to feel excited.

Later on I was obsessed with games like Lineage and Wow and would spend hours upon hours optimizing my characters till the game itself wouldn't allow me further improvement.

Without a problem to solve (take note of the word problem please) i would drop the game altogether. I didn't see my character as perfect (take note of the word perfect please) or something to be proud of, I just saw it as a project that no longer served a purpose.

I could no longer see the stats going up, stagnation happened, and so the dopamine disappeared. My character was only perfect so long as i could keep climbing towards perfection, but once I did, it no longer did it for me. No joy, no excitement, no reason to spring out of the bed in the morning with a goal in mind.

Later on working at shops, I realized I was obsessed with tidiness, specific arrangement that made for eye friendly and memory easier, checking doors and windows 10 times before leaving, even returning to work mid-night because i wasn't sure i had locked. I realized that was not regular anxiety. This wasn't for the first week at work, it was a debilitating habit I had for years with every workplace I'd been. OCD is real.

I could go on forever with such examples, but let's cut straight to ROCD.

First relationship I had (17) I was head over heels for my gf. I was constantly thinking of her. You could say I was even obsessing about her and constantly anticipated stumbling on her on the road to flirt. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Butterflies, anxiety, excitement, all of that.

Till things became real. First week in.

Once I had the validation I needed (note the word validation) I only started to notice her flaws. I didn't like her teeth, some hair she had growing here and there, I didn't like she was clingy, I didn't like she was not very intelligent and we couldn't communicate clearly. And yet, of the 100 flaws i could find on her, perhaps only one was legit reason to leave the relationship (her already being in another relationship).

I left and I didn't even realize that the flaws that had been turning me off on her was major Fearful Avoidant attachment style triggering ROCD. As soon as I started scanning her for flaws, my mind was like "keep searching, she's not perfect, she's not the one".

Fast forward ~20 years later, the only relationship I could truly appreciate was porn. And even porn felt inadequate at times. And then came AI porn prompts, and I started free falling even deeper into that rabbit hole. Ai porn fried my brain cells about real life expectations. It was only about lust and orgasms.

I would only be drawn to emotionally unavailable girls and fantasize about perfect versions of them (yes, insert limerence).

And then I met my first real relationship that I'm still in because I love the woman so much and know my shortcomings to repeat the mistakes of the past.

If you are in a loving relationship with a partner that you can both relax around and be your true self with, if there are no real red flags causing you distress, then it's time to turn inward and have a long talk with your (possibly traumatized) inner child. The problem with your partner?

NOT:

I don't like their chin.

NOT:

They walk in a weird manner.

NOT:

Their laugh doesn't feel right.

Those are not legitimate reasons to bail out. Those are traits that make each person special.

And the thing is, the more traumatized we are (insert insecure attachment), the more we believe in "the one", which is a fictional character we believe will come into our lives, fix every problem and woe, take rocd away so we can be forever happy and reassured.

NOPE.

Perfection doesn't exist. The perfect person that will make your ROCD go away doesn't exist. Fears and doubts come from your own insecurities. And as long as you are insecure (Fearful Avoidant/Anxious/Dismissive), you will always question your relationship about being imperfect and the possibility of someone better existing out there.

Someone better will always exist out there. That's not a question or doubt to torture yourself with. It's the truth. The real question is, when does "settling" end for you? Is it when you've climbed the relationship ladder all the way to the top? Is it when you've broken the heart of a 100 people you were compatible with but whose ears or nose hair was reason to leave?

TL;DR: Turn that fixation inward people. You will realize it's not about your partner but about you. What we see in others is but our own twisted mirror and a relationship only serves to amplify the way we perceive ourselves.

And a good question to linger on:

What are you REALLY afraid ROCD might be telling you?

That you don't love your flawed partner enough?...

...or that you might actually be capable of loving a flawed person, and that in turn might mean something far scarier.

That you are also capable of loving your own flawed self?

Tv show and the sub of gilmore girls really triggered me.

In the show the girl Rory becomes infatuated with the bad boy type boy named Jess and then he cheats on his long term secure boyfriend named Dean.

People say on the Gilmore girls subreddit that she couldnt break up with Dean because but she should have because the relationship isnt on passion, chemistry or in lovey. They say Rory is a people pleaser, anxious attached etc.

This really spiked me because Im dating my bf for nearly one and a half year now and we didnt experience honeymoon or passionate fireworks it was a calm and secure relationship and I love him for who he is. Also I never want to break up with him because firstly he is everything Im looking for and adorable and secondly yes I dont want to hurt him because I love and care about him. Does that mean Im a people pleaser?

Isnt love supposed to be a choice? But this thing doesnt go parallelwith that İdea.

Love how this video describes what we are experiencing .. it’s not just the thoughts it’s the intense emotions

I hate having to come on here constantly, but I genuinely want to move on from this already, and it just won't go away. My partner is back from a month-long trip, and we've planned to hang out next week. I'm very excited for this, but also really scared. For the past month, I've been constantly ruminating on our relationship and whether it's actually healthy. I have an obsession with thinking my partner could sexually assault me or even that they already have and that I'm somehow just not seeing it as sexual assault. I keep thinking back to past interactions, but I can never figure it out. For the record, my partner and I have never engaged in explicit sexual activities or touching. For some reason, my ocd wants to paint any of our methods of affection (which are cuddling and light peck kisses) as sexual, even though I know they aren't. I trust my partner that none of what we do ever crossed into sexual territory... but I guess that's why my ocd has made me want to analyze everything to be 100% sure none of it is sexual.

Anyway... I've been trying to get over this ocd theme so hard for the past few weeks, but it's been really hard for me. I see them again for the first time after a month away, and I want to be in my best mental space when we spend time together. For anyone who has had to deal with these thoughts, how do you stop yourself from ruminating on everything between you and your partner? I just want to be able to live in the present moment with them. Last time we were together, I was over at their house for 2 days, and I felt fine. I want this next hangout to be exactly like that... I just hope that I'm in the right headspace for it.

I don’t know if this will be a question or maybe I just need to vent.

My ROCD has been really hard on my first ever serious, loving relationship. I never had the “do I love him” “am I attracted to him” struggle, but I constantly thought he was cheating on me. Almost all the time we weren’t together I thought he was talking to someone else, lusting over someone, etc. 

We had a short break a couple months ago because I said I couldn’t take what was happening in my brain anymore, but I regretted it and said I would try to get help and get myself under control.

In past ocd themes I’ve gone through therapy helped a bit but it’s always there. I went back on Prozac and that has helped a bit. He really wanted me to go to therapy and I feel terrible during our relationship now that I didn’t. 

We broke up yesterday and I am getting myself back to therapy and probably upping my medication. The thing is, I don’t even blame him for ending things and I take full responsibility. His father reached out to me and told me he’d never hurt me and he truly loved me, but I don’t think he knows what I go through and it’s hard to explain.

Before I met him, I was single and celibate for 3 years, and I felt pretty at peace with myself honestly. But he brought me so much love and happiness and it’s hard to imagine a world where anyone is as patient, understanding, and trying to help with this illness, along with my ocd also came a fear of sex which he also helped with. Although, he felt like he just made things worse for me. Sometimes it feels like I should just be alone to save myself and others the stress. I don’t know if that’s the answer. I don’t know if anyone else who has struggled with rocd has just decided it might be easier to just live a life for yourself? 

Hey everyone, i have been dealing with extreme enhanced rocd since my RTA last year. And tbh i would consider myself my own therapist at this point. So i figure i could help you guys with something that has seriously helped me.

So when im deep in an episode, wether its severe emotional detachment, or any other cause of my episodes i have found there is one hack that helps me pull myself out of it.

As cliche as this may sound i find myself a little saying to say to myself during the episodes that eventually sooths the anxiety and helps pull me out without even thinking about it too much.

And the type of phrases i give myself of course depend on the topic of the episode, however i kind of trail and error through phrases that i think may help and eventually, one sticks.

These could be things such as “ I don’t feel love right now, but i do love him “ or “ I don’t know how i feel right now, but i have no pressure to feel any other way “ and as stupid and triggering these may sound in some topics, seriously just telling yourself phrases until one sticks, seriously has helped pull me out of some of the worse places i’ve been in mentally since my rocd got x10000.

I do have to change the phrase every so often because my brain starts to dismiss it. But i really hope this can help someone, honestly just go through phrases throughout the day until one sticks and lifts a little weight off your shoulders.

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with somebody who is working through severe CPTSD from childhood neglect and experiences intense emotional swings (very high highs, very low lows). He is very different from my last partner (we were also together for 4 years), who had an extremely stable home life, but had a very minimal emotional range. He ended up cheating on me, and this made my assumptions about predictive behaviors in other people--especially the ones I have dated--go haywire. That, and my parents are currently in the midst of a divorce after 24 years of marriage. So, yeah. None of this is helpful for my tendency for obsessive thought spirals. But I have been determined to lean into and share things that have helped me handle my fears, which most often circulate around the idea that I am currently being abused or manipulated according to "future" me.

- I allow myself to wonder: So what if this fear is true? Often, I find the most terrifying imagined consequence to be something I would actually be very adept at handling. I would much rather "let" the terrible thing happen than concede to avoidant or fearful behaviors in an attempt to avoid them. To avoid challenge would be to avoid my own growth.

- If I am in a social media ROCD spiral, forcing myself to stop has not necessarily helped curb the habit. Even when I am successful at stopping, I find myself in the same doom scroll hours later with no perceived "progress" made. This is especially an issue with absorbing advice. So, lately, I have been intentionally absorbing conflicting advice about similar situations and doing my best to think about what experiences would have led someone to make their particular conclusions. This has helped alleviate my desire to put advice or behaviors into categories of "correct" and "incorrect," because most of the time, I can completely understand why each person would want to share a particular conclusion. What is right for one person may or may not be right for me, and it is up to me to make that determination, not anybody else.

- It is very easy to see the world in terms of right and wrong, but very difficult to make accurate determinations while you are in the throes of an anxiety-inducing situation. "Right" and "wrong" have almost never been accurately determined in the moment in any social challenge. These determinations require time and intentional analysis to determine, and ROCD is very intent on eliminating both of these things. ROCD demands immediacy and assuredness, which is almost never offered in the moment.

- A lesson inside of a lesson: One of my worst, most disagreeable teachers in school taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my life: when answering multiple choice questions on a history exam, the correct answer is most likely not going to have the word "never" or "always" in it. If you find yourself thinking in such terms or are tempted by others who use them, this is your permission to dismiss those thoughts or conclusions. I am so happy that a teacher I (still) find appalling gave me this advice; in the same vein, I cannot think that "bad teachers never teach anything good or well."

- READ. READ. READ. Read fiction novels, short stories, and essays. Read ones you think you will love AND ones you think you will hate. Read popular and unpopular content. Write about what you thought of them after, THEN--if you really want to--read other's thoughts or reviews. Do your best to come to your own conclusions before reading what other people think. Feel free to edit your review, but do not alter what you have already written. Write: "After reading thoughts from others, I realized I had not considered _______ or _______." This may seem unrelated to ROCD but has been very helpful in my acceptance of nuance and resisting the urge for an immediate answer or conclusion.

- Work on trusting others. I am going to hazard a guess that a lot of people with ROCD have a "If you want it done right, do it yourself" mindset. Allow yourself to let others feel discomfort or challenge and trust that they can handle these feelings independently. If they earnestly ask for your help, provide it without a desire for repayment.

- Know that despite all of your effort, sometimes, you will have to deal with the exact result or event you feared. As human beings, we are never bound to being 100% right OR 100% wrong. ROCD thoughts are not shut down by telling yourself to not trust any emotion or feeling. See bullet point 1.

- Sometimes, I encourage myself to think on negative, unfortunate, or bad things that have happened to me or the people in my life. I think, "Would my thought spiraling have been able to change what had happened?" I have never been able to truthfully come to the conclusion that it would have helped. In fact, my worst thought spiraling had occurred in the weeks being apart from my ex-partner. In that time, I feared he was cheating on me with one particular friend of his. I had no evidence that this was true. As it had turned out, he was cheating on me with that exact friend. At the time, I took this to believe that my gut feeling and obsessiveness had led me to come to the right conclusions and that my behavior had been vindicated. But, frankly, those weeks of fear had not gained me anything. The result would have been the same regardless of whether or not I had been oblivious. It is another example of "So what if you're right?" Being right does not change the result. Even if I had decided to act on my fear and confront him about my suspicions (which I had, sort of), my feelings would have had zero impact on the situation at hand. In fact, that vindicated spiraling made it much more difficult to process what had happened to me in the years to come.

- Read Hope for Cynics by Jamil Zaki. Again, not ROCD focused, but the science behind optimism is powerful and vindicating for the human spirit. Self-doubt and doubt in the integrity of others are part of a vicious cycle of isolation and avoidance. To model trust and accept that sometimes the trust will be misplaced is much more fruitful than anticipating betrayal. Cynics have scored less well on aptitude and predictive testing. To assume the best in people is, surprisingly, not as naive as we think.

- Remember that as we are in a new era of relationships, many challenges will feel like and be approached as untreaded territory. There is something very paradoxical about the freedom we are allowed in relationships, especially with women. In many of our communities, marriage is no longer an economic decision or one forced onto us. This is absolutely beneficial and socially positive, but as human beings, not every improvement can result in 100% good feeling all around. We are riddled with evolutionary protective mechanisms that require us to engage in threat assessment, and in that, there are certain discomforts revealed in freedom of choice. While we were once limited to our own communities in choosing (or being given) partners, we now truly have access to a better part of the globe. There have never been more fish in the sea. This choice paralysis is terrible for ROCD specifically! Accepting this has helped me immensely.

Good luck to all of you!

Hi guys, I’m dealing with a lot right now and would love some advice or suggestions from anyone who’s been in a similar position.

Anyway, I am a 23 year old female and have been in my current relationship for almost 3 years. This is by far my most serious relationship, as we got engaged in December and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. My last relationship I was with a PA and have some trauma regarding that, and when I entered my current relationship I made the mistake of coming forward and telling my partner that I don’t allow adult content in romantic relationships. In retrospect I should’ve just not said anything and let him reveal himself, because I feel like that could’ve possibly contributed to him hiding it in the long term.

From the very beginning he acted as if he agreed with my boundary and told me how he doesn’t take part in that type of material during a relationship and never has, even in his last 2 relationships. He told me he considered it cheating, and much rather prefers a real connection with his partner than online content. He did admit to using it while single as he was single for 6 years prior to meeting me and told me that he watched it to meet his needs, but the whole time he preferred to have a partner and “never liked it.” In the beginning he even went as far as allowing me to put a blocker on his phone to reassure me which was a nice gesture since he knew about my traumatic past.

Anyway, he had that on his phone for roughly a year, maybe a bit more and I decided to take it off since I was working on trusting him a bit more, and never found any reasons to be suspicious or suspect him of watching this type of content. I will add that he allows me to go through his phone at any point, he will hand it over or I can grab it, he leaves it around me and I know the passcode. I will admit for the almost 3 years I’ve known him, I have never found anything alarming on his phone and I’ve searched everything, never caught him red handed per se. Email, cache data, cookies, search history, his bank account info, deleted texts and calls, watch history on YouTube, photo gallery, downloads, the App Store, junk and trash folders. I have found nothing. I teeter between believing he’s honest and that 1% that truly doesn’t do it, and feeling like his phone is too clean and it makes my paranoia even worse. We have only been living together for roughly a year. My past history doesn’t help matters considering I was with a PA previously. I don’t have the mentality of “every man watches it during a relationship“ but I think a good 95%+ definitely do.

So this is where stuff starts getting shady. I read online of this lie detector test called EyeCanKnow and for some dumb reason I told myself this would give me the certainty I need to be able to let this go and finally trust and believe in him. He was having issues staying erect (not often) but probably about once a month or twice a month and for a 26 year old male I found this odd. I chalked it up to just male biology and stuff happens because he always has an excuse whether it was him being tired, sensitive, laying on it funny, needing to pee, whatever. I don't know if this is truly concerning or normal behavior. When we would get intimate I’d notice sometimes he would have this glossed over look in his eyes which I can’t quite explain. A combination of that and a deer in the headlights with his eyes open pretty wide?? idk. 🤷🏻‍♀️ we almost always do the same 3 positions or a different variant of them each time. He compliments me, says he loves me stuff of that nature so he isn’t completely disconnected but it just seems like the same actions/words every single time. almost repetitive?

So I bought one of these lie detector tests which he agreed to take. Lo and behold he failed with a 30%. I was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded. My heart sank to the floor, I was shaking, crying, you name it. He insisted that it wasn’t true and that he’d gladly take another one if needed. So we did. Ironically he passed this one, so at that point I messaged the company and asked them about what would cause this, and they gave me a list of explanations saying that taking one right after another could effect its result, and gave me a free credit. We tried it one last time a few days later and he failed with a 1% so he failed miserably and the company even admitted to him seeming guilty overall. I know it’s silly, and it’s not a for sure thing since they’re only 85% accurate and I haven’t found any proof or evidence myself. What should I do? Should I believe him, should I believe the evidence in front of me? He is still insisting that he hadn’t done it. I’d hate to end the 3 year relationship and engagement over this, but I will not be in a relationship with someone who uses and also lies about their behavior. I’m sorry for such a long post. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this and it’s eating me alive. I don’t know what the next step is.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months in an LRD and things are really good between us. He treats me so well, and this is my first official relationship where I feel safe and loved. I just spent a week with him where I met all of his friends and family and he told me he loved me for the first time. While I really enjoyed this trip, I also feel slightly overwhelmed and am in my head.

I have OCD so I tend to spiral, I don’t know why I feel so “weird” but I think I am just overwhelmed by how much happened. I really do care for him , but I’ve never been in love before and am not sure if what I feel is being in love. I said it back because it felt right, but is it normal for two people to be on different paces in a relationship? I don’t want to ruin anything with my ROCD and overthinking, so I would love some honest advice from people who may have also been in my situation. I’m so sad to leave him for two months, but also could use some space. I’m messing with my head and it’s all very confusing!

I (F26) recently starting dating a man (M27) i can genuinely see myself marrying (we’ve been seeing each other for 3 months). The problem is i have severe relationship anxiety & have now convinced myself that i’m too old for him, that he’ll eventually want to date someone in the 4-5 years younger range.

He’s so kind - the type of kind that’s boyish and a little naive, but who’s also extremely good at his job & able to be assertive. In our relationship he’s been respectful though a little sensitive at times. He fell fast, inviting me on a family trip a couple weeks in & asking me to be his gf almost 2 months in. Now he’s telling me forever, and that he wants to marry me, and all these things. I agree, but 3 months is a really short amount of time and i guess ive gained some wisdom (or just figured him out early) to know it is genuine, that he really does feel that way. Im his first real gf since high school, and the second girl he’s said “i love you” to. I just think he’s the type of man to maybe say these things and not realize that the future is wide and vast and there’s a possibility we don’t work out.

I just turned 26 last week on top of getting thru my 3rd emergency contraceptive pill in 3 months. I was uncontrollably crying last week, irritated, thinking everyone at work hated me, and most of all, spiraling over my bf wanting a younger woman.

During the first month of us talking, he invited me to a work event. He had told me they hired an 18 yr old girl (immediate what?) and i didnt want to cause a stink - so i just watched the way he interacted with her, etc. i obviously got a weird feeling. Like she tapped him on the shoulder once to help her do something, he introduced me to everyone but her (until the very end of the night). I remember in the car on the way home i asked him harmless questions - i learned (from him) she’s 18, she just wants a husband, and she comes from money. I stayed silent until he went to work the next morning & found out he follows her on instagram. An 18 yr old sales associate he hired to work at his store? Mind you, this all happened either right in the beginning or before me - so i didn’t think he was doing this behind my back, but i did think it was weird. I brought up the fact that i was a little insecure and jealous over something that happened and that i didnt feel comfortable sharing what it was. He assured me he only wants me blah blah and we moved on! I never told him why.

Also, side note - in my frantic google searches, i found out she’s not 18 but 21/22 - which makes it less creepy for him, but even scarier for me.

Well at my birthday dinner last week, one of my friends decided to bring up the “18 yr old”. My bf laughed and said what? Thats why you were jealous that night??!! and then PROCEEDED TO SAY they just hired a 16 year old. Ah, amaze - now on my 26 birthday im being reminded of my fear and now another person i get to have anxiety about.

Anyway, i didnt make it a big deal and didnt even bring it up until this past Saturday. We were at a bar and this older guy (like 32) tried to hit on me. I make it known i have a bf and ask him to guess who’s older - to which he says i look older (like 29). Looking back, i can see how i gave the guy a perfect opportunity to rip on a girl that rejected him and showed him she has a bf. Either way, i freaked out internally, excused myself for the bathroom, and then tried to bolt out of the bar w out my bf seeing. He obviously saw, ran after me. I told him i didnt think i could be with him bc i look older, that maybe this wont work, etc.

I ALSO brought up (after sitting on it for TWO MONTHS) the “18 yr old” girl he’s following. He immediately said “okay ill unfollow her” and “i have to follow everyone i hire at the store” and even “it was never like that, but also when i followed her you and i weren’t really together”… that struck a cord. Why does he even have to preface that?

I woke up uncontrollably crying again. Over and over again. I even had to call my mom and she had to calm me down. My bf and i had a really surface level talk, he tells me he needs space for the day but that we’re not breaking up.

Anyway, now that ive had a day to process - the anxiety remains. He genuinely followed this girl when the other owners of the store didnt - only their wives. Im like, were they trying to set them up before he met me? It doesn’t make me feel any better that she’s 5 years younger than me.

Idk, my biggest insecurity is age, attraction, cheating. My dad had an affair w a 24 year old (he and my mom are still together). On top of that, everyone in my life who’s made their relationship work has a 3-4 year age difference. My parents, my sister, his parents.

Idk - in past relationships, when there was conflict, id just panic and breakup w them & then we’d get into this unhealthy cycle. With my current boyfriend we do definitely experience conflict, but we get through it and genuinely i’ve never thought of breaking up. This is the first time that ive actually asked after arguments “are we breaking up?”

Im scared. I think my hormones and anxiety and fear he’ll get w a younger woman are eating me alive. Also, even with hormones, why am i uncontrollably crying? It’s the best sex, he takes care of me, but i’m just on edge. Is my body telling me its not right?

And, can i bring up this girl again/have a convo about it? I want to be confident, and self-assured in our relationship, but idk. Why do i feel exhausted, and scared. I feel like it should just feel easy (though relationships have never felt easy to me).

ADVICE PLS!!! I just keep crying to my therapist.

TLDR: extreme relationship OCD with my (F26) new BF (M27) about him wanting younger women (specifically younger coworker)

This is one of the most triggering ROCD statements for me. I’m scared of never being satisfied with my partner because I don’t think I’ll ever “just know.”

My partner and I are having our 1 year this week and it is the calmest relationship I’ve ever had, but I feel like I’m constantly plagued by doubts concerning the “rightness” of our relationship. I think it is a mix of genuine relationship concerns and ROCD. I’ve just started ERP and I really just want some peace. The only way out feels like breaking up but I’m so scared of making the wrong decision.

Hey guys, first time poster here. I have been struggling for the past year or so in my (31m) relationship with ROCD. It has got particularly bad recently, and I have made a promise to myself that I will start proper ROCD therapy - I have had lots of psychotherapy in the past but think I need something specific here.

I have started working through some exercises in a book that I have found helpful, but there is something theoretical I am stuck on that is stopping me from engaging properly. Most of the exercises seem to be about acknowledging but not engaging with thoughts, which is sensible and fine. But what is the idea for when you have thoughts that you should engage with? Is the idea that as you learn to quieten your mind, you will have more space for conscious reflection? Or what? I don't quite get that bit.

Grateful for thoughts.