r/ROCD

I was walking with my boyfriend and I thought he slapped a fly off his face. he then started rubbing his hand across his lips and I freaked out and tried to knock/pull his hand off his face b/c I thought he was smearing fly guts on his lips. i apozied and he said it was fine and I didn’t hurt him but I’m so worried I was physically abusing him. we of playfully grab/ play punch each other but I’m worried I meant to harm him and now I can’t stop crying. Im going to turn myself in for abuse in the morning b/c I can’t take this

I’ve been experiencing what I think is OCD for over a month now and it’s been so mentally exhausting. However, there are real issues and feelings that feel so real and a part of me. I really need someone to talk to about this. This isn’t me seeking reassurance, I just need someone to listen and see my issues from a clearer mindset.

It’s going to be A LOT to read, so please don’t bother messaging me if you don’t want to read a lot or help. It’s probably going to be very annoying.

I just saw the greatest way to "know" you love them, which was in response to a question on Quora. It literally explains how every way you can use to know can be debunked in a certain way. It makes so much sense honestly. The only way you "know" is because you decide to. You have a drive to. The person who wrote this post explains it so well, and in a way that makes so much sense ❤️

Quora post:

If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time.

Because it’s mostly shit advice.

Here’s a small sampling:

“They’re always on your mind”

This is infatuation.

If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.

“You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them”

See above.

“They’re your ‘everything’”

Ditto.

“You see them in your future”

“When I imagined my future job/location, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn’t really make sense without them around.”

Well, I mean, damn. You fantasize long and hard enough, you can see anything in your future — like I could imagine moving to Switzerland to be a goat farmer. That doesn’t mean I should.

The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. 

So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.”

“They’re the person of your dreams”

See above.

“You always want them around”

Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.

You should usually want to see bae. But love isn’t always wanting to. Sometimes you need a minute. Sometimes you need to work or do other things. Or, damn, just be.

Don’t think it’s not love just because sometimes you want space.

“You’ll do whatever it takes to impress them.”

Well. That’s scary.

Y u tryin so hard? Loving isn’t “impressing.”

Tread lightly with:

“They’re the best part of your day”

“Seeing my girlfriend is always the highlight of my day.”

The difference here is probably what the rest of your day looks like.

Good: If you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, then congrats. You win.

Bad: If you’re unhappy and using your partner as an oasis, then you need to get your shit together.

“You priorities them”

Good: you actually care about their wants and needs, and prioritize them in a way that doesn’t tear you down.

Bad: you compromise your own wants and needs, or base your value on your ability to “keep them happy.”

How to know you LIKE them as a person:

They’re different than everyone else

Rad for them

You like more than their looks

Congrats, there may be hope for you yet.

You want them to be happy

Great. I want happiness for most people.

You’ll try new things with them

You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you.

They inspire you to be a better person

Role models have that effect on us, too. That doesn’t mean we love them.

How to know you LOVE them:

1) You know because you decide

You don’t just feel love. You DO it. The feeling is what stems from the action. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.

2) You know because you DO the act of loving

You invest. You exert effort.

You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irritating. You aren’t grabby with them, their time, or their affection in return. You are secure without demanding constant reassurance.

You prioritize their viewpoints. You learn their love language. You think in terms of their interests, not yours, and their needs are your own. You support them. You back them. You care and take care. You accept, and you allow.

3) You know because you do the act of loving even when you don’t want to

Because everyone thinks they’re in love when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits.

You know because you love even when you’re pissed. It’s love if you don’t “fight;” you disagree.

You love if your objective is reaching an agreement, not picking a winner.

You love if you don’t get defensive, insecure, or manipulative. If you don’t keep score. If you don’t hold grudges. If you don’t “take back your love” as punishment.

You love if you seek to understand before being understood; listen and honor what they share — and you don’t double down with your own issues. If you act like you’re on the same team. You listen. You compromise. You apologize. You forgive.

You know because you love even when you’re hurt. Especially honoring and respecting their wants and needs even when they include “breaking up.”

What we should really be Googling is “how to love,”not “how to ‘know’ we’re in love.”

We like to differentiate between “being in love with” and “loving” someone.But “being in love with” is infatuation, and infatuation means nothing in getting real love.

So if what you want is real love, then “how to” is all that matters.

You “know” because you decide. It’s love when you do it. All the time.

Originally Answered: What is the difference between attachment and love?

there’s this girl my ex (who i broke up with due to ROCD, but i’m still friends with and want to get back with, although i’m also too scared) had a fling with before me, and my brain has basically decided she’s the person he’s actually meant to be with. you know when you see certain couples and they almost look related/similar and you can instantly see why they’d be attracted to each other? that’s how i feel about them. they have really similar features (same big brown eyes, dark hair, face shapes etc), similar lifestyles/interests, go to the same uni, and their astrology signs are more compatible (even though i don’t generally believe in astrology). they just visually/aesthetically make sense together in my brain in a way him and i don’t.

meanwhile, i feel like i don’t ‘match’ him in the same natural way, and my brain keeps treating that as proof that him and i are inevitably not going to work out long term. i’m convinced that eventually we’ll break up and he’ll end up going back to her because they seem more naturally compatible and fitting for each other than him and i do.

i know this probably sounds irrational and, in a way, i don’t even know why i’m posting this, because i know it’s just my brain trying to search for any possibility of me getting hurt so it can rule it out, and that the way to deal with it is probably to stop engaging with or assigning significance to the thoughts. but it genuinely makes me feel physically sick and i can’t stop obsessing over it or comparing myself/the relationship to this imagined version of them together, and it’s driving me crazy.

edit: i just wanted to add the reason i have fixated on this is because she came up in a conversation we had about her wondering why he wouldn’t talk to her when he passes her at uni, and i realised he still follows her on instagram (although he has told me he isn’t interested).

Is it only me who feels that I love somebody else. Somebody who is attractive, i feel that i don't love my partner. And i wanna love the other person. Idk y... This thought is freaking me outt!!!can somebody replyy🥹

i dont know why i want to do it anymore but its what i always think when something goes wrong, i hate myself so much and even if this will hurt a lot i dont want her to be with me, im actually not good and i feel uncapable of being better right now, i want to be with her but im a coward and ill only keep making her feel sad and not enough, i am kind of selfish, i want attention, i want her to take care of me but thats not what she should be there for, i dont know how to actually break up with her she doesnt want that and im not fully sure i want it either but i dont want to fuck her life up anymore i dont want to ruin her days i know she will be sad if i do this but she will be sad with me anyways

I had a guy friend that I knew a while ago and I didn’t think he was that cute but I saw him at another angle and thought he looked super cute. I also looked at his Snapchat story selfie a couple times in a day and I didn’t feel that guilty but suddenly I do even though this was years ago when I still have my boyfriend. I don’t know why I looked I wasn’t interested in dating the guy and I never flirted or said anything that indicated but I still feel like I cheated and I feel like I have to tell my partner or it’s a secret and I’m betraying him. But I also feel guilty even when another guy even talks to me and I don’t know his intentions. I have therapy in a week but I don’t know how to deal with this until then. Also since this event happened years ago I might not even fully remember the situation like I do remember but my mind seems to try to remember it so much that the details might not even be fully correct.

Writing this as I’m balling my eyes out.

I feel like a cheater. Every time I confess to my partner, it always ends up with them saying “does it matter?” “You chose me over them” etc

EX:

“I think I flirted with this person”

Partner: “does it matter?”

“I was being emotionally intimate with this person”

Partner: “does it matter? You chose me over them”

“I was being to couple-like with this person”

Partner: “Well, you chose me over them so it doesn’t matter”

Etc etc

Today my brain has been nagging about me intentionally cheating and it won’t stop. Idk how to prove it, I just have a feeling that I intentionally cheated and idk whether to tell my partner or not.

I literally can’t tell anymore. Kind of spiraling. My brain tells me to breakup with my partner almost daily. Anytime we have a problem. What questions can I ask myself to help know for sure what I want? I feel like I can’t trust my brain at all.

i recently got diagnosed with ROCD after struggling with symptoms for quite awhile. for a bit of context, I have had a rough past with relationships and whatnot. recently I found myself catching feelings and starting a relationship for a new person after not dating or exploring anything for a year, and I’m caught in a rut.

for further context I’ve had my last relationships id be with them and think they were “the one” and it’ll “last forever” etc all that cliche. but this new relationship he’s done everything and more right. he’s treated me so much better than I’ve ever been in the past. he’s healthy, he communicates, he doesn’t make me beg for the bare minimum and he’s so respectful of me and my boundaries. that doesn’t even cover the good he’s done and how he is.

the problem is, eveytime I’m with him my body is like no this isn’t right oh he isn’t the one. Ive had moments where panic feels like intuiton, and I know intuition tends to be quiet. the feelings I’ve been having is a fear driven panicking “knowing“

im not quite sure if this feeling Ive had is because im not used to the calm or the peace and good he’s offering or whatnot. I want it to work between him and I hes also a dear friend of mine and I’d hate to lose what we have.

I’m not directly asking for advice or reassurance as I know that isn’t helpful with how our brains work but just a general curiosity if anyone else has dealt with this before

is this a ROCD thing? i feel so guilty and ashamed about my feelings, does anyone else experience this

Hey guys,

Long story short, if you start meeting up with someone and get along really well, but are constantly stressed that you don’t find them attractive enough etc., how do you know if it’s OCD or not? I’m really scared about leading people on.

Its ridiculous. Everyone and everything (even AI chatbots lol) tell me I did something normal but the guilt is eating me alive

So I have a talking stage and he really likes me, I like him and he is an angel on earth

I am f20, ive been in a really abusive relationship at 18 where I got cheated on and physically sexually and so on abused. I was scared to date for 2 years.

Also, last september my mother threw me out and I was oficially homeless for 3 weeks. Now my life is actually good. Like really good. But that shit was traumatic as hell. I am also in Therapy.

I am also in therapy for my ocd.

See the thing is the guy I am dating rn, m22 grew up in a safe and stable environment. And well, it shows in the best way possible. He is so damn stable and I am so scared that he might think I might not be enough even tho Ive got my life in order. He also still lives with his family which is fine at 22 in this economy

2 weeks ago tho, when we were texting for 5 days at that time before the first date, I judged him for still living at home. I was scared he might not Be independent enough to be a partner a "Manchild" or "mommys boy" that he might use me and so on.

And I was SO WRONG This guy is so damn kind and loving and independent, he organizes, listens to me, is interested in my opinion when he plans dates, takes initiative so often, he actually LEADS and wants me to stop thinking all the time. He even tells me I am not allowed to overthink when we are on dates and he reminds me of it when I start to spiral a little bit.

But 2 weeks ago when I judged him I made a reddit post and asked if its okay that a man still lives at home in dating. I was insecure and scared.

The people in the comment section told me I was too harsh and I argued with them because it felt like they were trying to push me into the typical narrative of a woman who acts more like a mother to a partner and I am scared of that kind of future.

And I was wrong. They were right. I told them that I was scared of him doing 50/50 on everything and still having the benefits of the relationship even tho I have less money than him. They called me calculative and that it would be better for him if Id end it already.

And now the reality is different than I thought. He actually does pay more but yesterday I was so happy to be with him so paid for his stuff too and it did not bother me at all.

I deleted the post and my comments after I got to know him better, but what if it hurts him that I once thought of him that way ? I have a really bad confessing urge I have to surpress because I dont wanna hurt him or make him think that him living with a loving family (other than me) is a problem for me . That it makes him insecure or make him feel like he is not enough, while he is more than enough for me. But what if I dont confess and I feel like a liar and I have to keep it a secret my whole life? Thats what my brain is telling me.

Sorry if this post is confusing. There is so much chaos in my brain rn. Everyone tells me its normal to jump to false conclusions in the first days of dating/texting but I feel so bad.

Please help

The title says it all really. I'm just so tired. I started experiencing ROCD for the first time in years a couple of months ago because my relationship was in a bit of a rough patch and my overall mental health was really bad. I also suffer from general anxiety, Agoraphobia and depression and recently I've been in a bit of a mental health crisis and really struggling.

I came to this sub straight away to get advice on how to tackle this and found some really helpful posts and comments, I found out about ERP and that we should say "maybe, maybe not" to ourselves and accept the anxiety. And sometimes it works and I feel like it's a small victory and I actually feel something for my partner again through all the fear and doubt. And then I feel so ridiculously happy and in love and like I'm back again, like I've been away but now I'm home.

And sometimes it doesn't work and the anxiety just sits there in my chest and stomach and I spiral and can't stop thinking about it.

I just want to go back to normal. I *know* I love my partner and its so jarring that I can look back to before this started- only 3 or 4 months ago- and remember feeling absolutely fine. I remember feeling very much in love, and if you'd told me I'd be having these doubts now I never would've believed you. I just want it to stop. And I know that there's no easy way through, I know I have to just keep working on it, but it feels so hopeless sometimes.

I woke up yesterday and I felt fine, I turned to my partner and we had a long cuddle in bed and chatted and joked around. And then the anxiety crept in in the evening and this morning he tried to cuddle me and before I even opened my eyes the anxiety hit me like a train and I feel awful.

I guess I'm just venting, I have no one to talk to about this, I cant afford therapy and I'm waiting to start NHS therapy hopefully soon. It just really sucks.

My girlfriend of 3 years got accepted into grad school the same time I got a new job. Different places. Whatever, terrible but I immediately start planning to leave in 6-8 months which leaves us with like 3-5 months apart from each other. Stressful but doable.

My girlfriend has ROCD. She has intrusive thoughts I’m going to cheat on her all the time. I have never come close in our relationship. She is spiraling so hard right now and wants to go on a break while we are apart because she thinks the ROCD will mentally wreck her otherwise and make her fail school.

I am freaking out. I’m 28, this is the love of my life, and I feel so fucking idiotic that I allowed this to get to this point. I’m just sick to my stomach that I’m going to lose my girlfriend because some asshole swoops in and woos her while I’m away I’m gonna throw up typing this. I don’t want to go on a break but she starts freaking out / crying when I’ve tried to talk about it because she is so worried that she can’t handle it. I have no idea what to do

constantly trying to “solve” my thoughts. and it’s so much worse at night and i guess part of it is because there’s no people around to distract me. i also think i genuinely get more sad or pessimistic when the sun is down

Tw: self harm

Hi hello. I’ve been suffering from intense ROCD for the past two months, a week after me and my girlfriend got together.

The rumination has been awful. I feel like my normal daily routine has been messed up and my brain can’t even function like it used to. The relationship has, i feel as if, done more harm than good despite how healthy our genuine relationship has been. Yesterday, I committed self harm for once the first time… it helped me feel ‘grounded’ and as if I could focus again. I am not proud of that and today, with a relatively calmer mind, thought to myself that I should not be in a relationship if I have to physically harm myself to feel grounded.

I don’t bring anything related to my rocd to the relationship. Not a single mention, not a single action and don’t let it influence how I act/behave with her. I know it is true that the relationship is not the cause and the root issue lies with me in the end. But… I was so much healthier before we got together and our dynamic as friends was so much easier on my mind.

But I don’t want to leave her. There is not a single person I find as much attractive as her or more. There is not a single person I want to love as much as I love her. But my feelings make me a severely unstable person emotionally. I have no access to therapy and have exhausted whatever tips I could find online. Everything leads me back to where I was in the worst possible scenario of my rumination. I have just never had enough healthy relationships, friendships or connections in my life to even know what one looks like.

I’m 18 years old, I have to deal with moving out for uni, new environments, academics, finals and so much more. I think I can’t handle so much stuff at once especially at my age either. But I want to keep trying, she’s what I’ve ever wanted in a person and more. But also… I am tired. I am very very very very tired. I have never self harmed in my life except yesterday and I ended up almost breaking down on call with her last night (but held back). She loves me SO much and I have no doubts that I am a great partner to her and that she is very happy since she has expressed her willingness to stay with me ‘forever’ a million times. But sigh…. Really, I am tired. I am tired of everything. I don’t want a relationship that would feel like this:(.

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! I don’t have a hard-to-ignore urge to breakup but it is what I have been considering for sure 😔 I really need some advice or support? I feel incredibly lonely. Maybe even a virtual hug would be nice 😔

Is there any way to get special authorization for transcranial magnetic stimulation for resistant OCD in alberta? Its health canada approved and the one form is very effective. If anyone knows anything or has any insight that would be great thanks.

Like I know it’s obvious, and almost everyone has had sex with a different partner before we step into the picture- but how do you get past it?

For the life of me I can’t stop thinking about why my person likes what they like. They only know what they like because of experience, and that experience sets my brain for struggle.

Anyone? Has anything helped for you?

EDIT: this was not the start. previously in my relationship when i saw a potentially attractive guy i used to double check to see if i actually found him attractive and used to feel relief when i saw him as 'meh'. then in january this happened for the first time, i saw a guy for probably a second, not even clearly, and my brain generated thoughts and feelings which i did not like. i cried over it that day and probably the next. this really stuck to me and i preferred staying at home so i wouldn't be exposed to things like this.
then one day before i saw THIS guy again, i saw a handsome guy on a reel and felt that stuff again. but that same day i met my bf after a long damn time and it was one of the best days.

i've been dating my bf for almost a year now and it had been going pretty great but then we went into LDR at the start of the year and things haven't been that great
on feb 28, i went to college and saw a guy for probably a second, i thought he was attractive and my heart gave a reaction and i became hyperaware of myself. i was so distressed by this i cried the whole day and the next. the coming week i had to see him, so i whenever i saw him i kept monitoring my reaction to him, ruminating about, building situations thinking what i'd do if i were put into them, constantly debating w myself in my head. on the last day of that week i came to a conclusion that i liked him. it been about 3 months since then and i don't know how i reversed that shit, but yeah i did.

i wasn't doing all that great for the next month either, but it kind of toned down the week before i had to see him. in april i had to see him again for my exams, but it honestly went great. i would give my exams in the same hall as him and then go to meet my bf after the exams got over, on the same day. and it was so good, i literally did not care about him because i was so happy with my boyfriend.

a lot of other things happened and my OCD latched onto quite a lot of different things, main focus being me possibly cheating and the other mostly being about my bf's past mistakes.

but then one day i just got a thought, what if this guy sends me a request, what would i do?
then i started freaking out over it. for the whole day. i told myself i know my brain would think of it as a 'sign'. then at night before i was sleeping, i was doing chores and throughout i couldn't stop thinking about how i could possibly cheat at my future workplace. i was crying and distressed and in a really bad state, then i checked my phone and i got a request from someone who looked just like this guy. i thought it was him. i got happy and thought of leaving my bf.

it was so bad. i don't even know. i don't even know what to do. i don't know how to think of him as a 'random' guy.
and to clarify, i genuinely don't care if another guy approaches me, no matter how he looks, i always act in accordance with my values. i don't engage with them or lead them on at all.

since that day, the day i thought i got his request, my mind has not been able to let go of this guy. it keeps fixating on him. literally. i blocked his profile on instagram after this day though.

and this request thing ... it happened again. i thought i got a request from him and my brain immediately went, you should leave your boyfriend and be with him. and it felt like me. not my OCD.
i don't want a life with him. i don't even know him. and i don't even want to. but how much of this am i even supposed to overlook and call my 'ocd'?

i don't want to leave my boyfriend or break up with him because of my fixation. he is my firsy boyfriend, and i want him to be my last. i want a long life with him. he is all i've ever known and all i want to know.

i want to get out of this. i don't know what to do.
please help.