r/ROCD

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this because I feel really alone in it.

About two years ago, I got out of an on and off relationship with someone I’ll call “M.” We were together on and off for about two years. The relationship itself was emotionally exhausting. We had a strong connection, but it was inconsistent and left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Even though we’ve been broken up for about two years, my OCD seems to have latched onto him.

It’s not that I’m sitting around wanting to get back together every day. It’s more that my brain feels like it needs to know what’s going on. I find myself checking his Instagram, TikTok, following list, followers, likes, stories, and activity over and over throughout the day. Some days it can easily be 10–30 times. If I notice something changed, my brain immediately starts trying to solve it or figure out what it means.

I know it isn’t helping me. In fact, it usually makes me feel worse. But if I try not to check, I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m missing something important or that I won’t be able to stop thinking about it until I look. It’s like my anxiety builds until I give in.

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, so I recognize this is probably reassurance-seeking or a checking compulsion rather than genuine curiosity. The frustrating part is that I know logically that checking never gives me peace for long. I might feel relieved for a minute, and then an hour later I’m checking again.

I’m in therapy and have been working on my OCD, but this particular compulsion has been one of the hardest to break because it has become such an automatic habit.

Has anyone else dealt with this specifically with an ex? If so:

• What helped you stop checking?
• Did the urge eventually decrease?
• How did you cope with the anxiety when you resisted checking?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar. Right now it feels like my brain is stuck in a loop, and I’m hoping there’s a way out.

I'm still in the thick of a flare up, but I understand now.

The more you fear the thoughts, the more they come. The more you avoid the anxiety, the stronger it becomes. The more checking you do, the less you feel or feel things you don't want to.

The only way to see through this is just.. accepting it. Accepting that those thoughts are infact there. That those thoughts COULD be true but I'm gonna continue what I'm doing.

I'm unfortunately teaching myself these things through reading and self practice but I think for 6 months on & off, I've been doing pretty good.

I'm kinda in the phase of not really feeling and urgency from my thoughts, rather just a sense of numbness or indifference (i.e backdoor spike) and it's hard but im getting through it.

We will recover!

I have ROCD and when I am out in public with my bf all I can ever do is scan the crowds and look for my “competition” I analyze the woman around us and I look for features I think my bf would find attractive and when I find someone I obsess over her, I watch my bf’s gaze and If he even looks in her direction I imitated start spiralling, I think horrible things about him and I just feel so disgusted by him and I immediately want to break up. How can I stop doing this? I know it’s not real, he’s not going to see a hot girl and start thinking “I wish I was with her instead” he’s never given any signs he would do that plus he’s been cheated on and knows the pain. It affects my everyday life and I’m 24 I’m too old for this but I can’t stop it ruins my life.

I went to a different doctor today, and just like every other doctor I’ve seen, they said I have OCD. But no one understands the feeling inside me; perhaps I’m denying the truth—refusing to accept it. I keep wishing I could feel love for my husband, yet deep down, I don’t even believe in that "wish" anymore; it’s as if, deep down, I don’t actually want it. I want faith and hope...
Even as I write this, I feel a sense of being trapped—as if posting it here implies I want to leave—but I’m writing it anyway.

So I am in the process of being diagnosed with BPD, which isn’t the cause of my retroactive jealousy, but appears to play a huge role.

I have had multiple relationships, in which RJ has always been an issue, but I’m now 23 and completely besotted by my boyfriend. My feelings for him being more intense than my feelings for anyone else, has also led to my RJ being more intense than it has been with anyone else. My RJ is not at a normal level, it causes me to literally melt down, become super self destructive and on multiple occasions has made me physically sick.

Example: he briefly mentioned a girl he used to see (very casually, for a few months) that he hadn’t told me about before. I found out that, like me, this girl has brown hair and blue eyes. Next thing i know im threatening to dye or even shave my hair off, and covering my eyes so that he can’t see them for fear of him being ‘reminded of her’. It’s not just her, I’m also obsessed with any other exs he’s had, even the ones from school despite us being 23. I find myself wishing them the worst (evil i know) and being (unjustifiably) angry with him for having been with them before me.

This is causing a lot of stress and friction in my relationship and i feel so awful because I just can’t stop. I can’t stop asking questions because i feel the need to know everything about his past relationships (not that im entitled to at all!), and then as soon as i get names i resort to social media sleuthing (hate to admit but this even spans to spotify, YouTube, you name it, I’ve done it)

I can see how badly this is affecting my boyfriend and my relationship. I thought this ask me anything might be a good way to help me understand more from someone else’s perspective. So please, feel free to ask me anything, or let me know if you’ve been in a similar position (either mine or my bfs), or have anything helpful to share at all.. I’m honestly at the end of my tether here

I know I’m not a bad person, but im self aware enough to know my behaviour is not okay. I’m hoping that this diagnosis and treatment can help in some way (not blaming my actions on BPD, just to clarify) but in the meantime, anything will help bc i just cannot cope w this, and don’t want to ruin my own relationship :(

Thank u <3

Wondering what this sub thinks about utilizing chat gpt or other AI resources with OCD recovery.

Genrally I am wary of using AI especially with anything healthcare related. However lately I have used chat gpt as a resource in dealing with my relationship anxieties and rocd and have been surprised at how actually helpful it is, not for reassurance, but more to work through the actual concerns underlying my rumination.

I have gone to therapy in the past and found it extremely UN-helpful, because what I need are actual tools and not just talking about my issues. When I share stuff in chatgpt it gives me helpful questions and exercises to practice that have genuinely helped alleviate my anxiety and also I feel more empowered to deal with it on my own in general - because its not just making me feel better its giving me tools.

However I would never want to become dependent on this for reassurance and that's where I fear the pitfall would be. Because it admittedly does make me feel better, and that can be kinda addictive. Wondering what other people think about this topic. Please share!

ps also please don't use this discussion just to blast me for using AI period. obviously there are other concerns around AI but I wanna discuss it in this context

My relationship is eleven months old now and Rocd started in the first three months (yeah, horrible). The relationship started getting serious, and overnight I began to notice that I no longer felt many romantic feelings towards my partner (Please note that my defense mechanism is numbness and I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, so maybe the fear of something serious and of getting hurt activated my defense mechanism). I panicked a lot, I could barely eat, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack at any moment. "What if I didn't love him anymore" I couldn't stand it.

Days passed and I discovered what Rocd was, it gave me a lot of relief and I was fine for a few days. But we know how Rocd is, and it started again with the questions. "But what if you REALLY don't love him?" "Is my relationship healthy" "Should I breakup with him" etc etc. The more answers I gave to my intrusive thoughts, the more Rocd managed to turn things around and give me more questions that made me feel immense anxiety.

I learned how to do ERP, how to breathe, I started taking Sertraline and Risperidone, along with Lorazepam, lots of ups and downs, spirals, sometimes had hope, sometimes wanted to die. But I always kept going, for myself, and for him.

Now I can proudly say that I'm much better and my anxiety has decreased significantly. I still struggle with numbness, but I'm learning to tolerate it and always keep in mind that loving someone is a choice you do every day. And it's okay if sometimes you don't know if you want to stay, but don't make decisions when anxiety is there, you will regret it.

If you have any questions I'm happy to answer:)

I started going to therapy again back in May, but I was told up front that she doesn't have much experience with treating OCD. I decided to go with her anyway because the wait list for that office is pretty long and I wanted to get on the schedule quickly. Her specialties include ADHD, anxiety, and executive dysfunction, and I do have all those things as well, so I figured it was worth a shot.

My experience with her so far has been... fine. She's nice, but sometimes I feel like there's a disconnect where she doesn't really "get" what I'm trying to express. She will ask questions like, "But why do you keep coming back to *this*?" or she'll ask me how something makes me feel, even though I just spent the last 5 minutes explaining how I feel in detail.

We haven't even gotten to the point where I feel comfortable discussing my biggest triggers or obsessive thoughts yet, and my gut is telling me that she might not be equipped to help me with that heavy stuff once the time comes. Am I justified in feeling this way, or do I need to give this therapist more of a chance? Have any of you experienced the difference between a standard therapist vs. a therapist who specializes in OCD? Was there a notable improvement in the quality of care you received?

Thank you for your help.

can rocd make you feel you don’t want this relationship, you want someone else you dont love them and all but feel a bit anxiety and mostly calmness ? even though you want to love that person but you cant. pls someone tell pls

I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced ROCD, especially if you've been on either side of it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We were friends for several months before we started dating. Not long after we became a couple, we had a conversation about our past relationships and experiences. Something I shared really seemed to stick with him, and ever since then he's had a really hard time letting it go.
For almost two years now, he has asked me the same questions over and over. He wants every detail he can think of, and even after I answer honestly, he'll come back days or weeks later and ask again. Sometimes it's the exact same question, sometimes it's slightly different because he's trying to understand one tiny detail that he thinks might finally make everything "click."
When we're together in person, things are usually a little better. We have a great time together, and he seems more present but I know he still thinks and asks questions even in person. But as soon as I leave and we're back to long distance, it's like his mind takes over. We'll have had a great visit, and then within hours he'll start texting me questions about my past again. It's almost every day at this point.
He tells me he's exhausted by his own thoughts. He says he just wants to find peace and stop thinking about this all the time. He has even told me that he's scared of his own compulsions because he knows they keep pulling him back into the same cycle, but in the moment he feels like he has to ask the questions anyway. He says he feels like he has to get every detail exactly right or "fix" his thoughts before he can move on, but it never seems to be enough. Even when I answer everything honestly, there's always another question. The relief only seems to last for a little while before the anxiety comes back.
He's seen a few therapists on and off over the last couple of years (only talking to them once or twice), but never consistently. I've encouraged him to possibly try therapy again because I really think he needs someone who understands OCD if that's what this is. He isn’t very open to taking medication, but it's something I've wondered about too.
Another thing that makes me think this could be OCD is that he told me he struggled with something similar in a previous relationship. He also fixates on things that happened before we were even together, even things from when we were just friends or before we really knew each other. Rationally, he knows none of it changes our relationship, but emotionally he can't seem to let it go.
The hard part is that he actually has more of a dating history than I do. It's like his brain latched onto certain details about mine, and now it won't let him have peace.
I love him very much, and I know he's really suffering. I don't think he's asking these questions because he's controlling or trying to shame me. It genuinely seems like he's desperate to get relief from the anxiety, but the reassurance never lasts. He tells me all the time that he doesn't want to be doing this. He doesn't want to spend his days thinking about my past or asking me questions. He just wants to feel at peace and be able to enjoy our relationship without his mind constantly pulling him back into these thoughts.
What I don't know is how I'm supposed to respond.
Should I keep answering his questions honestly every time, even though it feels like it's feeding the cycle? Should I stop answering them? Am I supposed to reassure him, or does reassurance make OCD worse? I don't want to be cold or dismissive, but I also don't want to accidentally reinforce compulsions if that's what's happening.
If you've dealt with ROCD or retroactive jealousy OCD, either personally or as the partner of someone who has it, what actually helped? What should I be doing, and what should I avoid?
I'd really appreciate any advice because I care about him deeply, and I just want to help him get to a place where he isn't suffering like this anymore.

Here it is:

I’m 28 years old. For approximately 10 years, I’ve been experiencing a recurring pattern across my relationships that I now believe is Relationship OCD (ROCD).
The Core Pattern
I constantly question whether I’m in the right relationship. The doubts aren’t random — they’re triggered by specific things. My most consistent trigger is a girl at my workplace. When I see her, my feelings for my girlfriend immediately come into question. Thoughts like “what would it be like to be with her?” start flooding in. After she’s gone from my sight, the thoughts don’t immediately stop.
I recently spent 5 days with my girlfriend. It was genuinely wonderful — fun, warm, connected. The moment she left to visit her family, the thoughts came back. This on/off pattern has been going on for months, possibly years.
How I Respond to the Thoughts
I don’t seek reassurance. I don’t analyze obsessively out loud. Instead, I withdraw inward — I shut down emotionally and isolate. I now understand this is a form of avoidance compulsion. I’ve tried ERP on my own — sitting with the discomfort, not responding to the thoughts — and I can feel the anxiety rise and slightly fall. But without structured support, the cycle continues.
What the Thoughts Feel Like
The doubts feel real but also deeply distressing. The thought “maybe I feel more for the girl at work than for my girlfriend” causes intense discomfort — which I now understand is actually evidence against it being true, not for it. When I’m with my girlfriend and we’re having genuinely good moments, the thoughts sometimes still intrude. This is one of the most painful aspects.
General Wellbeing
Beyond the relationship questioning, I’m not doing well overall. I’m unhappy at work, have low motivation, and feel a general lack of energy and direction. Everything feels heavy at the same time.
Therapy History
I’ve worked with multiple therapists. One assigned homework but never did ERP work in-session with me. Another told me this isn’t OCD because “in OCD, compulsions are behavioral, like tapping walls” — which I now know is a misunderstanding of how ROCD and mental compulsions work. I’ve been unable to find a therapist who will do structured, in-session ERP with me for ROCD specifically.
What I Understand So Far
I’ve read extensively — IOCDF articles, Guy Doron’s research on ROCD, Sheva Rajaee’s book, and personal recovery accounts. I understand the mechanism: the intrusive thought triggers anxiety, the compulsion (in my case, withdrawal and avoidance) provides temporary relief but reinforces the cycle. I understand that the girl at work feels more “attractive” partly because she carries no commitment weight — she’s neurologically “safe.” I understand that the doubt itself is the symptom, not evidence of truth.
But understanding isn’t enough.

Hello everyone. I’m new to this sub as I don’t suffer from this but my significant other does. I really wanna help her get through this the best way I can. For her it manifests as intrusive thoughts which cause her to feel guilty/sad/anxious. Is there anything I can do to ease her pain? I try to reassure her but I don’t know if that works as well as I’d like it to.
Thank you

Hello guys!

For the past days I experience bad urges that I need to break up and feelings that I never loved my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I (F21)have been dating for almost 2 years now (my real first longtime relationship).
Over the course of these 2 years I have experienced thoughts that I never loved my boyfriend, I deserved better, that he’s not that attractive and so on. These happened in moments when I was angry at him or wanted attention from him (we’re LDR).

I always struggled with relationships. I started dating with 14. I had several short-term relationships. I was always very insecure and had low self esteem. I had some relationships with people I had a crush on and got these overwehlming urges to break up and so I did or pushed them to break up. I regretted it for one relationship and wanted them back after.

I went to a pretty bad OCD episode when I was younger (Harm OCD and SO OCD). The SOOCD flared up in relationships with man and I thought I was gay when I wasnt. I also had relationships with women (I identified as BI) but looking back I think I never liked women in the first place only the attention I got.

I also forced myself in relationships with people I didn’t like and had these urges too. My toxic ex pressured me into dating him several times or he would off himself. I hated him for that.

With my now boyfriend I never had these urges until march this year and they won’t go away. I don’t want to loose him but what do I do?

Could this also be a sign of avoidant attachment style? I grew up in a household where my parents cheated on each other, fought infront of me, I was put infront of chosing one of parents to live at, my mom fell into depression and I had to take care of her when I was 6, meeting my parents new partners (they’re back together now).

Maybe I too young at 14 to date. I had one relationship where a 22 year old woman took advantage of me. I never felt comfortable with her.

My boyfriend was different. He never annoyed me. I wanted to spend time 24/7. I only could think of him. And so on. Maybe I went to a spiral because the honeymoon phase is over. What do I do :(

I never liked physical touch until my boyfriend. I dont want to hurt him or break up.

I think because of my ROCD and anxious attachment i worry these negative traits are ruining everything great about us. We Have so so much fun together, he's considerate and kind and funny and silly and safe but we clash when I choose I'm annoyed at something I've created, he gets frustrated like why did I have to say something when nothing is wrong and then it feels weird.

This weekend I asked him who he thought was better looking one in our relationship and he said himself, only slightly. He says I'm stunning, beautiful and hot but because he's the way he is, he'll say things truthfully then I was peed off with his answer. Usually, 90% of bickers are me asking about his exes at the core of me not feeling enough.

It's like the us that is, the us that fell deeply in love is here still but there's a pokey little pain in the ass wanting to sabotage it and I worry he'll get annoyed too much and leave and then other parts of me thinks will he happier elsewhere. Our relationship works because we know each other intently, we 'get' each other and oddly enough, communication is or was great. I feel my insecurities rise, I poke him, we clash more because he's like where has this come from, I go inward because I feel bad, I apologise we talk through and then cycle goes on.

I want to end the self sabotage cycle today.

It's scary for ROCD to come back. The first time I thought it was a bad relationship, which was the right choice to end for a variety of toxic reasons. But now I see a pattern. And it's hard to accept that romantic love may always be a trigger for me. And that thought scares and exhausts me.

I’m reading this book (currently halfway) but I’m not sure what to think of it.

She does explicitly say multiple times that you shouldn’t be in relationships that are abusive, etc - and she does is rightfully.

But other than that, it is basically almost saying that if you are not being in an abusive relationship, then you should stick with it regardless of what concerns you might have. You not finding them that attractive? It’s perfectly fine. You don’t have great sex? It’s perfectly fine. And the list goes on.

But some of those issues can actually be very valid concerns and distressing in a relationship and whether to keep on going with it.

Now I think it’s a great book in shaping some thoughts but also like doing a poor job because it gives reassurance for basically any issues.

I want to really just remind people of things that are so easily forgotten with ROCD.

Urges can absolutely happen even when calm. Just like how intrusive thoughts can happen even when calm. You don’t need to have an immediate reaction to them.

Intrusive thoughts can absolutely manifest as feelings or sensations. What I mean by this is you can experience a feeling of doubt, before ever getting a thought. The best thing is to not argue back with this feeling, and instead sit with this discomfort.

What I’m about to say is going to be real scary, but trust me on this. Be okay with the idea of breaking up. Being okay with this idea is not the same as wanting it. But life can take you down many corridors.

For my folks affected by future-oriented ROCD, do not think of the future, do not seek reassurance in this idea. Live day by day. ROCD can make it hard to envision a future with your partner, it can make it hard to feel love, or to feel okay, it can even make you want to break up desperately.

Commitment issues can coexist with ROCD, making it worst. Make sure to work on yourself and also practice ERP.

OCD is the doubting disorder for a reason, it’s extremely convincing, and yes it can absolutely skew your gut feelings, intuition, or your deep down feelings, it can even make it hard to be sure in your relationship.

At the end of the day, knowing these facts will not soothe your obsessive, intrusive thoughts/feelings/urges. Honestly, get off this subreddit because it tends to be filled with some horrible advice.