I really need some advice, I’m struggling.
Hi guys, I’m dealing with a lot right now and would love some advice or suggestions from anyone who’s been in a similar position.
Anyway, I am a 23 year old female and have been in my current relationship for almost 3 years. This is by far my most serious relationship, as we got engaged in December and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. My last relationship I was with a PA and have some trauma regarding that, and when I entered my current relationship I made the mistake of coming forward and telling my partner that I don’t allow adult content in romantic relationships. In retrospect I should’ve just not said anything and let him reveal himself, because I feel like that could’ve possibly contributed to him hiding it in the long term.
From the very beginning he acted as if he agreed with my boundary and told me how he doesn’t take part in that type of material during a relationship and never has, even in his last 2 relationships. He told me he considered it cheating, and much rather prefers a real connection with his partner than online content. He did admit to using it while single as he was single for 6 years prior to meeting me and told me that he watched it to meet his needs, but the whole time he preferred to have a partner and “never liked it.” In the beginning he even went as far as allowing me to put a blocker on his phone to reassure me which was a nice gesture since he knew about my traumatic past.
Anyway, he had that on his phone for roughly a year, maybe a bit more and I decided to take it off since I was working on trusting him a bit more, and never found any reasons to be suspicious or suspect him of watching this type of content. I will add that he allows me to go through his phone at any point, he will hand it over or I can grab it, he leaves it around me and I know the passcode. I will admit for the almost 3 years I’ve known him, I have never found anything alarming on his phone and I’ve searched everything, never caught him red handed per se. Email, cache data, cookies, search history, his bank account info, deleted texts and calls, watch history on YouTube, photo gallery, downloads, the App Store, junk and trash folders. I have found nothing. I teeter between believing he’s honest and that 1% that truly doesn’t do it, and feeling like his phone is too clean and it makes my paranoia even worse. We have only been living together for roughly a year. My past history doesn’t help matters considering I was with a PA previously. I don’t have the mentality of “every man watches it during a relationship“ but I think a good 95%+ definitely do.
So this is where stuff starts getting shady. I read online of this lie detector test called EyeCanKnow and for some dumb reason I told myself this would give me the certainty I need to be able to let this go and finally trust and believe in him. He was having issues staying erect (not often) but probably about once a month or twice a month and for a 26 year old male I found this odd. I chalked it up to just male biology and stuff happens because he always has an excuse whether it was him being tired, sensitive, laying on it funny, needing to pee, whatever. I don't know if this is truly concerning or normal behavior. When we would get intimate I’d notice sometimes he would have this glossed over look in his eyes which I can’t quite explain. A combination of that and a deer in the headlights with his eyes open pretty wide?? idk. 🤷🏻♀️ we almost always do the same 3 positions or a different variant of them each time. He compliments me, says he loves me stuff of that nature so he isn’t completely disconnected but it just seems like the same actions/words every single time. almost repetitive?
So I bought one of these lie detector tests which he agreed to take. Lo and behold he failed with a 30%. I was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded. My heart sank to the floor, I was shaking, crying, you name it. He insisted that it wasn’t true and that he’d gladly take another one if needed. So we did. Ironically he passed this one, so at that point I messaged the company and asked them about what would cause this, and they gave me a list of explanations saying that taking one right after another could effect its result, and gave me a free credit. We tried it one last time a few days later and he failed with a 1% so he failed miserably and the company even admitted to him seeming guilty overall. I know it’s silly, and it’s not a for sure thing since they’re only 85% accurate and I haven’t found any proof or evidence myself. What should I do? Should I believe him, should I believe the evidence in front of me? He is still insisting that he hadn’t done it. I’d hate to end the 3 year relationship and engagement over this, but I will not be in a relationship with someone who uses and also lies about their behavior. I’m sorry for such a long post. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this and it’s eating me alive. I don’t know what the next step is.