r/loveafterporn

Hi, I’m not new to this forum but have only commented a little and read posts every now and then. Long post.

There is one thing I can’t figure out and was hoping others know. We have discussed his PA, ONS (in another city) to triggers.

Financial infidelity: He has spent probably 10k to 15k over last 5 years. I do not believe him on what he has spent and received via cash app, Venmo etc. I’m talking $500 to $1000 spent in one day. He says 30 videos to multiple photos or asks for specific videos. I have his location; he is home every night. Some of these women have an onlyfans I found. 2 women he knew and they confirmed only photos and fantasies and he paid them to talk to him (why he couldn’t come to me I don’t know).

Is what he saying true or is he still hiding the extent of it? Onlyfans is like a $10 subscription. He was on a hookup website adultfriendfinder. He said he found these women on Snapchat mainly. So maybe it is escorts? Idk. Thoughts?

We are going to see a CSAT couples therapist who specializes in infidelity and betrayal. I’m wondering if that’s a safer space because he gets an entire hour by himself to talk to the CSAT. They do a 4 parts of an initial intake which I’m so happy about. We will see if he does the work (more than downloading a porn blocker app as he can delete and readd) as this is a last Hail Mary for me. I’m not spending even another 6 months of him not actually doing something about his PA.

hey reddit so my boyfriend (21m) and i(19f) have been together for 2 years now and he had a horrible porn addiction before he met me, i’m his first everything. and he kinda hid his porn stuff from me for like the first year and a half, i mean i knew he watched porn and that was ok, but sometime january of this year i took a peak at his search history being curious yk and i seen a lot of like chat porn sites and it kind of freaked me out. i told him i was uncomfortable with it and would rather have him watch porn with like no way of chatting yk just porn, i guess then he got more sneaky with it and i occasionally find stuff like that, well 2 months ago i really went through his phone, like everything and he’s been spending money and still talking to these chat women,i now have been like blocking some sites with the screen time lock but i don’t really think that’s working he’s just unlocking it, i dont know why im writing this but if anyone with more experience can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
sorry is this post is all over the place im just freaking out

long story short I found out my boyfriend of 9 months has gone back to using porn. I am just feeling so crushed by it. I know it isn't a reflection of myself but fuck it just makes me feel so inadequate. I know I will never look like the photoshopped bodies he'd prefer. I could be skinnier or prettier or better in bed or do all the things he's like and it would never amount to what he wants and what he gets out of watching it. even if he could magically stop watching I don't know if my hurt from this is even repairable. I know it's a me problem with my low self esteem but fuck. It's like trying to convince him a flawed human being is worth more than a curated edited idea of a woman. I will lose every single time. I heard someone else say that when infidelity comes to light it takes the shame off the perpetrator and onto the other partner. I've been feeling that so deeply. It's awful what people's response to finding that out is. It's either assuming that I'm a prude and caught my partner watching porn a single time in our whole relationship, or that I am just saying porn addict with no understanding of the severity. and the one that got me most, that I wasn't having enough sex with him and that's why he did this. It's so awful and isolating between the way people look at you different or the deep pit it places of no self esteem.

My husband has been in active recovery since the beginning of last Nov. I don't think he has had any slips. He is seeing a CSAT, goes to SAA meetings, reads PA material on his own, is working through a PA workbook...he is really trying.

Right at the beginning, we did a 90 day abstinence thing to help him break some habits he had. It definitely did help, but ever since then, he has premature ejaculation (PE). Usually he is done in under a minute. He is willing to do lots of foreplay etc but the thing is, I really prefer sex. I don't want to get off before or after doing "other stuff". I don't take a long time to get off either, but I can't manage it in under a minute lol. I find his PE quite triggering because I know it is completely due to the choices he made to be unfaithful. So when he once again finishes right away, I feel so angry because once again, my needs always seem to come second. *I* have to deal with the consequences of HIS infidelity. Again. He is willing to try to continue and wants to please me, but it is just an instant turnoff. I know it isn't really in his control at this point...but his actions that led to his PE *were*.

I don't know how long this is going to continue. How long is our sex life going to be hampered by this. He is trying some different techniques like "starting and stopping" to try to get control, but it often just seems to...happen, anyway. We haven't made much progress so far.

Did anyone else deal with this? How did you get past it?

anybody have advice on looking through my boyfriends android phone. I have an iPhone and cant figure out where he would be hiding things in his phone?

I (33F) been with my husband (36M) for almost 8 years. We had a baby 15 months ago and got married 8 months ago.

Sex has always been the weakest part of our relationship. It’s always been decent, but never great. But we are so compatible in so many other ways and I never thought it was that big of a deal.

We have talked about it intermittently. He has talked to me before that he watched too much porn as a kid and it was an issue for him but never felt like anything major until the last couple of years.

I went to look at the weather one morning and opened his phone to a secret Instagram account. I froze, closed it, and confronted him later that day. I didn’t see much other than one basically naked woman on the initial post of the feed. When I asked him about it, he said he used it to look at porn - which I have never had an issue with - but when the conversation had a brief break, he immediately grabbed his phone, deleted the account, and deleted Instagram.

I harboured feelings that he was cheating on me for months. asked multiple times with the response of “I would never” but anytime I asked about the account or why he deleted it right away, he said he was embarrassed.

My son was playing with his phone the other day when I noticed he had TikTok - which I assumed he was now using for porn instead of Instagram. I went against my better judgment and opened it to a bunch of suggested posts including trans women.

i talked to him that evening, not mentioning the TikTok but saying how not understanding why he had this Instagram account/deleted it right away/seemed afraid to talk about it made me feel like he was cheating. I have never been anti porn more just thrown off the secrecy. He then admitted he watches weird porn since getting bored over time, sometimes it’s lesbian porn, sometimes anal, sometimes trans. I actually felt relieved by the honesty.

But since then I just get this sense he’s telling white lies, hiding from me, forcing intimacy. I brought up the possibility of a PA twice with him denying both times.

An I overreacting and he just is more discrete about his porn use? Or does this sound like PA?

Our sex life is fine. We have sex regularly, always the same way, and he doesn’t want to try new things.

I dated someone who told me he never watched porn, it made him uncomfortable, AND that his ex and him were sexually incompatible because she watched too much porn and wanted all this violent BDSM stuff that he didn't like. I told him at the beginning kinky and porn stuff was a dealbreaker for me. I trusted him, and that he was telling the truth.

Then when we were physically intimate, he could not keep his erection. He said he hadn't had sex in 3 years and did not watch porn, but he had pretty bad ED. When I was using my hand on him, he kept saying to squeeze tighter. I got really freaked out because this felt like PA, which I am familiar with, but I didn't say anything. I just asked him if he was anxious or if this was a problem before? And he said that it only became a problem (ED) with his ex because she was mean to him and tried to make him do things he didn't want to do with porn/kink. So obviously I was empathetic.

But the weird thing is he also would spent 30 minutes in the shower in a really territorial way after we would be intimate. And I know this is nitpicky but all the times we had sex I never saw any cum. In the condom I remember feeling weird because there was barely anything in there. And then I also remember having this gut feeling that he didn't actually cum? And when we had sex without a condom again, he said he was coming, and then there was ... no semen. He acted weird about it too, I don't know.

I guess I'm asking because I cut things off with him but I think about it every day. Because I'm wondering if I was too paranoid with this man and just accused him of things he wasn't because of my past with PA partners.

Have you ever been wrong about a gut feeling like this? I had the feeling he was hiding something from me, like he was really adamant about connecting with me about not watching porn and thinking it was bad, but for all intents and purposes he literally acted like any other PA I was with. It confused the fuck out of me. But I have no proof that he was lying, it was just a feeling and I was too scared to see if it was true because I felt like I couldn't deal with the betrayal if I was right.

And yet now I am second guessing myself for almost an entire year, wanting to reach out to him again because I think I overreacted.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has any insight into this, if you've ever been wrong about a gut feeling, etc. Thank you for any insight.

Hatte jemand von euch auch schon mal diese Gedanken? Dass der PA irgendwann eine neue Freundin hat, die mit Pornos überhaupt kein Problem hat, und er für sie ansonsten der perfekte Freund ist?

Bei uns hat in der Beziehung eigentlich so vieles gepasst. Er war liebevoll, hat mir Blumen mitgebracht, wir haben viel gekuschelt und hatten eine schöne Zeit. Das Pornothema war der eine große Punkt, an dem letztendlich alles zerbrochen ist.

Manchmal frage ich mich: Wenn ich das einfach hätte akzeptieren können, wäre dann heute alles gut? Bin ich das Problem?

Das macht es noch schwerer, weil Frauen in meinem Umfeld – sogar meine beste Freundin – überhaupt kein Problem mit Pornografie in einer Beziehung haben und mich nicht verstehen können. Dadurch zweifle ich manchmal total an mir und frage mich, ob ich einfach “zu empfindlich” bin.

First Dday was in 2014 shortly after we first started dating. Porn and the like was a hard boundary for me, I thought he understood. Believed he stopped consuming and just had a low libido for over 12 years. 2nd Dday Feberuary of this year. I can't unsee what he was looking at. I look nothing like the women he is actually attracted to. He has tried to tell me he is attracted to me but love and attraction are different things. He loves me, I no longer believe he is attracted to me. He can't stay hard and rarely gets off with me these days. I'm currently traveling and just know he's at home masturbating to other women. The trust is gone. He broke me. Broke us. I'm struggling with my self confidence, my worth. I have lost myself after giving this man my all. He was once my home, my safe space. I have to become that for myself again.

No advice needed. Just venting until I work through this with my therapist.

Hi y’all, it’s been a bit. I basically know I need to leave him (and did in February but it didn’t pan out so I’m back).

I’m so depressed. My body aches, I sleep 10+ hours a day and still feel exhausted all the time. I don’t even know what happened to me yesterday, we went to my in-laws for a 4th party, pretty much all family, nothing triggering or anything that I can put my finger on. I stayed for like an hour and I just felt kind of out of place. I was on the verge of tears the whole time and I don’t even know why. I went to bathroom and cried. Finally went and sat in the truck before calling it and just coming home by myself to sob on the couch.

Something I’m ruminating on right now is that it was all just women. He says he didn’t even masturbate, and it was all OF type content, not even like regular porn videos. It makes me want to throw up that he wasn’t even just getting aroused by the act to get off, that he was just obsessing over other women that aren’t his wife. He’s said it was just “mindless bullshit” but it’s not mindless when you see someone, feel that want to, that list, click on their shit, go to google, open a private tab, and search their leaks. Go back and fix your algorithm. There’s a lot of steps there, “mindless”. Why couldn’t it have been anything else if it was just mindless bullshit. Doom scroll regular shit or watch guys building a hut in the forest for 3 hours like the rest of us.

Im kind of to the point where I just want to be single forever. It’s not worth it. I hate that I’m still here and I hate that you’re all here with me. All these beautiful souls being sucked dry by this filth. I hate this world. I’m so tired.

My ex spent the whole relationship lying to me, gaslighting me, cheating, making me cry and completely stole my self worth. I kept forgiving and loving him until he blocked me after breaking up with me through text. Its been 3 weeks and I’m starting to have very dark thoughts. It was a trauma bond to where evey time i left i would come back instantly. I feel pain because the love was so genuine and pure, nothing like he ever experienced and he just seems unaffected by losing me and hasn’t reached out. I am hurting in the worst way because i never got to say anything, just got a paragraph then was blocked before i could say something. I don’t feel capable of being loved and constantly feel heartache as it was my first serious relationship for almost 3 years. After work ill just drive a extra hour before going home, and ill just zone out. I just want to disappear.

I am sorry if this short post seems a bit graphic, but one of the most hurtful memories after D-day was me doing oral sex on him, only for him to stop me, no explanation added, to masturbate. It was the only way he could get off. :(

Maybe it's not a big deal, but it ties into him lasting for minutes and minutes and minutes, making me jerk him off until my arm would burn, just to say at the end that he took so long because I wouldn't put pressure on his dick. Why not say?

My boyfriend has deleted all his social media (NOT at my urging, on his own accord), and repeatedly using this as proof he’s not looking at anything. All he still has is TikTok and YouTube. Recently discovered he is STILL accessing porn- after finding it through people’s bio links on these apps. It feels so hopeless to try and date as a 20 year old when every man my age struggles with this addiction. The temptation is everywhere and I’ve just grown so resentful of phones and the internet. Every app is flooded with porn stars advertising their pages and there’s no where you can be that it’s absent. It’s insane to want my partner to not exist online- this is one of the worst addictions because of how accessible it is. I feel like he’ll never move past it. We have a borderline deadbedroom and he can’t understand why it upsets me so much he does this. I hate the person this has made me into. I hate porn. I’ve begun to hate other women. Mostly I just hate myself.

First time poster, been a lurker here and there for awhile.

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My husband has had problems with porn use and it affecting the intimacy in our marriage off and on for years. We have "talked" more than once (and by that I mean I talk at him and he refuses to respond, sits there like a deer in headlights, or leaves) but he keeps finding his way back to porn, or otherwise seeking intimacy by other means. I have never withheld intimacy from him. I never even turn down sex when he has wanted it, for fear it may be the last time he ever does. Currently, he hasn't touched me since November.

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Our last "talk" was in April, and I flat out told him I don't want him using porn anymore. I have no way of knowing if he has used it, he holds onto his phone like it's a vital organ, but what I do know is that he has started talking to AI chat bots and engaging in explicit sexting/roleplay, and is spending literally hours a day/night doing so. This is just what I've observed from sneaking looks/pictures of his screen.

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Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night to engage, he will come home from work and sit in the driveway typing away instead of coming inside for a long time. If he thinks I'm looking at his screen he'll jerk his phone away and switch to Reddit, leave the room, or give me a crappy attitude to get me to go away. Confronting him is not an option. When he realized I saw what he was doing a few days ago, he literally left the house saying he "can't deal with this" even though I hadn't even said anything to him, I just went to another room to be sad and he sought me out to see me crying.

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I don't even know where I'm going with this post. I'm just so hurt and lost. I can't leave, not presently, so I'm stuck living with this person who is constantly choosing escapism over me when all I have ever done is wanted to love him and be with him. I know it's not my fault, but it's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with me that he will literally choose a robot over me.

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He's currently been chatting away with a sex bot since about 4am (it's 6:30 now) and he's just moved out to the couch because he realized I'm awake. I have been for hours, but he didn't notice. He hasn't so much as said good morning, just moved off to have privacy with his phone.

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This post is so disjointed, I know. I've barely slept in days. I think I just needed to share my pain with people who might understand before I lose my mind.

Hi all, I told myself id never post on here and just seek advice from other peoples posts, but i feel as though i desperately need some personal advice.

A few years ago I dated a guy with a serious PA that he’s had for years which eventually led to us breaking up, and I started dating another guy a couple years later (who I am currently with). I have made it clear from the very beginning that I am totally against Porn and have SOBBED multiple times to my boyfriend about my ex’s terrible addiction multiple times.

My boyfriend has literally 0 imperfections, aside from the fact that he watches Porn. I have caught him a few times watching Porn, one time when we were looking at his phone after we were looking at places to eat and when he went to swipe off the tab there was Porn on his screen. I pretended not to notice but when he went back to his house I confronted him, he promised to never do it again.

Then I had seen that one time after we were hooking up he said he’d be back and he went to the bathroom for about 15 minutes, and when he put his phone down he had the video symbol on the lock screen but it had no title which I assume was Porn.

And finally a few weeks ago I had come back drunk from a night out with my girls and we had started to do things when I got home, but I explained I wasn’t feeling the best and he is extremely understanding, he has never pushed sex or anything onto me so he tucked me into bed and I fell asleep. When I woke up about 30 minutes later I could feel him touching my bum so I rolled over to face him and put the blanket over my head, and could see through the fabric him watching Porn, and I could obviously feel the bed shaking a bit, and I said “What are you doing” and I heard him turn his phone off and reassured me to go to bed. I screamed at him and sobbed on the edge of the bed and barely slept a wink that night. I looked thru his phone and his hidden folder and found heaps of hidden photos of my bum in underwear when laying down that I had no idea was taken of me.

Overall I’m just asking for advice on what I should do? Has anyone had a similar experience because I feel so lost? I have spoken to my mum about it because we are super close and she dismissed it saying “it’s his body”, well yes, but I have set boundaries and he BROKE them, and next to me aswell hurt me terribly. Am I not good enough? I’ve seen people say that Porn has no “emotional attachments” but why be in a relationship if you don’t want that you know? And if Porn is so quick and easy then why isn’t looking at pics i’ve sent you easy too?

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be appreciated! 🙂

i applied “hide adult content” onto my partners phone browser last night as he said he wants to better and stop watching it. i’m torn whether i should’ve done this as he has promised me he is stopping the porn but my mind just got the best of me. should’ve i had a conversation with him about this first? what do i say when he notices?

i’m just so hurt and want to limit his access so he’s not tempted to relapse

tried to help myself finish today and just kept getting flashbacks to finding stuff on his phone. i wasnt even looking at anything i was just trying to do my own thing. im sad. im scared hes watching stuff even after we've broken up. part of me still loves him. im just sad. i wish this hadnt happened to me. i wish i could erase those memories. im so sad. i hate him so much i wish he werent so selfish. i dont even know if still being friends is the right move. sometimes i still hate him.

I can’t stop looking for more information. I feel insane. We are long distance and I can’t go through his phone right now. So what am I doing? Looking on FB, looking up websites to check if he’s on a dating app, looking at our old messages trying to tell when he was deceiving me.

He tells me it worries him how much this consumes me, he doesn’t get it does he. I am broken inside my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I spend my days sleeping all day long so I don’t have to be awake. I’m still going to therapy, support groups, listening to podcasts. And yet I’m still broken on the inside, looking looking looking looking for anything. Maybe I’m looking for my shattered heart. Has anyone seen it? I want it all to stop. I want my mind to be silent.

I got a man on the other line. I told him about my past being with someone who was addicted to porn. The man on the line defended the porn addiction. He defended the industry.

Just why?

My fiancé (30M) has had a problem with porn for a while now and two days ago I caught him watching porn while he was at work for context we have a box of all of our old devices and he has an old phone in there that he’s still logged into google on so I was able to see what he was looking at and right before my eyes it disappeared when he got home that night he told me that he didn’t know what to tell me and that if he did look it up he said he would talk to me so he didn’t do it. I (25F) am 20 weeks pregnant and I was so exhausted I didn’t have the energy to fight about it so I just said okay.

Well last night we were cuddling in bed watching a movie that he loves and was the one who showed me this movie when the first part of the movie was over (meaning we had to switch to the second CD) he asked me for a blowjob I told him I was gonna eat something and then we would see I was trying to be sexy and mysterious about and I joked that if he was good it would happen (I’ve been trying to bring back our sexual spark for a while) we went outside to smoke a cigarette and I noticed that I was almost out I told him not to worry about it and I could just run to the store in the morning.

At first he was just telling me he would run up to the store real quick then when he got back we would finish our movie I told him I didn’t want him to go and to not worry about it and he got angry and told me he was going no matter what I told him if he was trying to do something nice for me that it was completely ruined he said he’s not and if I kept going on he would just leave without talking to me about it.

I asked him if he could at least see how this looks and he said oh yeah I’m going to go fuck somebody at the gas station the way he said it I knew he was being sarcastic And he left when he got back I was upset and trying to get him to understand that if the roles were reversed and I acted like that about leaving at 230 in the morning he would think I was doing something bad he said that he didn’t want to hear about it anymore and I didn’t stop talking about it he was going to leave again.

What blows my mind is this behavior was completely out of pocket he has never spoken to me like that and leaving without telling each other has never even been a thought that crossed my mind. For more context weonly have one car and our 8 month old daughter was asleep so I couldn’t have just gone with him

I don’t know if my saying not right now about the blowjob had anything to do with it I don’t know what happened or why he got so angry thank you for taking the time to read this I really appreciate any advice because I got whiplash from him acting like that