r/loveafterporn

I said 1 single foot out of line and I'm gone. Well, he put his foot out of line. So I left. I'm done and I'm not going back. If he NEEDS these other women, they can have him. Yes 50, over weight, with a shit job, a broken dick, and a preference for teen girls. What an fucking winner!

If you're not sure what to do, know this, I live 2000 miles away from anyone Ink ow and love other than my kids. I have no money, I just started a job after years of not working. And I'm going to have to bust my ass to make it. But I'd rather bust my ass and work for a new life than sit here and watch him drool over other women and girls. I would rather find a second job than feel like I'm never going to be good enough. I'm tired of being triggered at the tv, or joggers, or even going to the mall. I hate my life! I hate what I let this mf do to me for 25 years!

I'm done!

Before we dated I told my partner that porn was a dealbreaker for me because I had previously dated someone with a porn addiction who eventually CHEATED ON me while freshly postpartum with almost 15+ women. He knew exactly how much that affected me.
When we talked about his history with porn, he basically made it sound like he had watched it once when he was a kid and on and off but it had been years since he watched porn and that was it. He convinced me he was against porn too, so I genuinely thought this was one thing I wouldn’t have to worry about in this relationship.
Recently I found out that wasn’t true at all. He had actually paid for virtual reality porn about 2 years ago. Finding out he had lied about something that specific made me start questioning what else he had lied about.
I ended up bluffing and telling him I knew he had watched porn during our relationship even though I didn’t actually have proof. He kept demanding evidence but eventually admitted on his own that he DID watch it while we were together when we were fighting and he had gone home.
After admitting it, he realized I apparently didn’t have the evidence he thought I had and started smiling and demanding I show him proof. He even said if I showed him then we’d definitely be done. That reaction was honestly extremely hurtful because it felt like he cared more about catching me in my bluff than what he had just admitted to doing.
I’ve also found him looking up previous girlfriends on social media. The porn I saw was also all white women and none of them looked anything like me, so that’s gotten into my head too.
I know bluffing wasn’t healthy and I feel guilty about doing it. But I also don’t know if he ever would’ve told me the truth otherwise. Finding out that the story he gave me about his past wasn’t true is literally what made me suspicious in the first place.
I’ve already been through a relationship with a porn addict and I feel embarrassed that I’m somehow here again. I don’t know whether I’m overreacting because of what I’ve been through before or whether this is enough dishonesty that I should just walk away.
Is this serious enough to end the relationship while it’s still early (1 year in) and too serious ?
At this point I feel like I’m not justified in being upset because I bluffed but I just already knew he was lying idk. Ik that was shitty. For anyone who has been through this, would you try to work through this or leave? And if you stayed, what would you actually need to see from your partner to believe they were being honest and taking recovery seriously?

TLDR: I’m possibly dating a porn addict that was very adamant of reassuring me he was against porn and lied about using it. Would appreciate any advice or resources on how to spot one in the future because I’m so fucking over dating porn addicted man children ATP I’m the problem because how and why do I keep ending up with PA

I found out my husband of 10 years had been watching porn, making AI grok videos, listening to sexual ASMR videos and probably more our ENTIRE relationship.

It’s been 3 months since DDay. He’s taken full responsibility and accountability for his actions.

He threw away his computer because he also had a video game addiction that went back into his teens. (we’re in our 30’s w/ 5 kids.)

He’s deleted apps, given full access to his phone, told his father, and elders at our church.

He’s been doing everything right it seems but then here comes the whiplash.

Some days we have great times together and then it all comes flooding back.

He never told me his issues. He openly talked about how horrible porn is within his friend group, and I literally had no idea he was that kind of guy to watch it but here we are.

It’s been 3 months and I don’t know where I’m at. I feel so checked out some days and then hopeful and willing to move ahead the next

But how? I don’t know how to trust anything he says or does with a decade of lies, secrets, and deception in our wake.

I’ll also never know how bad his addiction was. He deleted his entire PC history via his phone the day I found his search history while he was at work and confronted him with hateful words and screen shots.

I’ll never know. I can’t get over that part as well. I only know what I was able to prove that day and that’s it.

He was on OF but he swears he never spent a dime. he also had an AI chat app downloaded and tried to get naked pictures on there as well but said he deleted it when he didn’t want to jump through the hoops of “unlocking” the images.

And I just have to take his word for it when his word feels like it holds no weight.

I just don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to have the good days and the horrible ones over and over.

I just want a break and there isn’t one in sight.

How do you manage the whiplash?

Some days I don’t dwell too much on it and the others it’s all consuming. Picturing him searching for what he liked and pleasuring himself while I’m in other room managing our household solo.

Making the AI images of naked women, searching linktree for porn of an ASMR girl he liked on YouTube, being curious about OF like Pornhub wasn’t exciting enough anymore.

Knowing he used to do it 2-3 times a day when it was bad, using my conditioner as his lube so he could please himself to the woman of the hour, and whatever else I don’t know of.

My husband feels like a stranger and I am sick.

I'm just a shell over here and would love some advice if you’ve any to give.

Ive known about his porn for years. When I first discovered it at the beginning of our marriage, I was angry and heart broken. When I kept finding it and the fights kept coming up, he flipped the script: How could I keep him from something he enjoyed - from happiness? He is a man now and can make decisions for himself. I was mothering him and Im not his mother. Im so jealous and insecure. He's not having sex with anyone, he just likes watching. Every man does it and most women dont care. (He says he doesn't believe these things anymore, but this is what he fed me for over 20 years). I believed him.

I Stuffed my negative feelings and even would watch it with him (and without him at some points). I saw the allure, but it just left me comparing myself and feeling even more insecure. For over 20 years I fought these insecurities and stuffed them back into my mind. I used bible verses of taking every thought captive to try to replace them with good thoughts of my husband. He told me to trust God and not worry so much. I should just believe that he loves me and my feelings were wrong. He even said he tried to quit several times because he saw that it hurt me, but he couldn't quit. He thinks porn is not wrong (or right) but because it hurts me, it's not right for us.

Now that I've put my foot down and decided I will no longer fight my hurt and pain and will no longer allow porn in my marriage - it's my changing hormones causing my reactions. He thinks my screwed up hormones are the problem. Now, all the hurt and pain I have been stuffing for all these years are coming to the surface, and he thinks my hormones are just off.

Honestly - I think my hormones just might have brought me to this point.

Im hoping someone has any words to help me understand why my body isnt good enough unless its a last resort. ..

My husband watched porn our entire relationship and I was none the wiser. It started to affect our sex life worse than it already was about 1.5 years ago (we would have sex 1x every 2-3 months. I was the initiator for majority of those times. He would also need to jack off prior to us having sex so he could "last longer" so it was more "enjoyable" for me). He didnt care to kiss or hug me/hold my hand...none of it. When he wanted sex he'd just feel me up and because I was so touch starved I allowed it.

When he was actively watching i had tried several times to plan nights when the house was empty to make content with himso he wouldn't watch them but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME there was an excuse from him on why he didn't want to do it.

As soon as I told him my boundary (that id leave him high and dry if he used it again) he was all of a sudden interested in making content with me. He was all of a sudden SO excited to do it and had made sure he got everything prepped and the camera at a good angle.

He's admitted he thinks those girls are pretty and have petite bodies. I am 35 years old, 132lbs at 5'6 but I've had 3 kids. My stomach and body look disfigured compared to these beautiful women.

It's wrinkled, I have no belly button because everything sags. It's just a big flap of wrinkled skin when his"thing" is nice bellies.

I've had issues with food and have binged, restricted, and purged. Its been this way since i was 16. This summer i was able to get a grip and started taking more care of myself but after getting more details about him watching and who he was watching...all I can think about is how I'll NEVER live up to these expectations. Even if I got plastic surgery i would still not hold a candle to them.

He can watch/pay for porn and ignore several pleas for making content with me...but now its so easy? Now all of a sudden when you dont have access im the last resort?

He says hes not watched anything since last June but all of his complements fall in dead ears. All of them.

How are you going to sit here and tell me my body is the hottest thing that you've ever seen but you tried everything you could to get away from me being in the videos you watch?

All I want to do is restrict and sleep but I have 3 kids to care for (15f, 14f, 4m). Leaving isnt an option as I'm filing for bankruptcy because my business went belly up. My friends...bless them they encourage their partner to watch porn because they want to be left alone and not touched. I dont really have any support.

How do I view my body differently now?

It seems impossible.

Any advice is greatly appreciated 🤍

I can’t even trust him to watch videos on YouTube. He was using incognito mode on YouTube to watch anything that would scratch the itch. I can’t do this anymore.

Did anyone’s PA address their childhood sexual abuse? How did that go?

My partner was molested dozens of times when he was 6, which led to the whole porn addiction / secrecy / other addictions (alcohol, Kratom, nicotine)

Horrible trajectory obviously. Just wondering if anyone’s partner addressed the root trauma, and saw real recovery from years of addiction?

My husband was pulled into the pig butchering scam a few months ago. I figured out what was going on and told him, giving him several print outs from legit sites explaining what was being done to him. He was pissed, but I think he was more annoyed that I wouldn't tell him how I knew - like I was going to give up how I have been able to discreetly observe him to see if he was texting a woman again (he was) or going on sites he said he wouldn't (he hid it deeper.)

Anyway, I am wondering if other women have run into this with their partners and also if you think that their phone number was harvested/sold/given to the scam syndicate by dating sites they were visiting? I haven't found any information on this hunch, other than the usual the numbers are just generated from a mass blast. But this does not track for me because his number is sequential with some of his former work friends, and he said they did not receive any "wrong number" texts.

My husband was a PA for our entire 20 year relationship (dating, engaged, married 10 years now) and I discovered his PA last July. He’s been clean since dday, however, it took 6 months to get to a point where alll the secrets were finally out in the open. After a totally dead bedroom for a couple years during pregnancy/postpartum with our first about 6 years ago, then years of him never initiating and rejecting more often than not, I finally figured it all out.

Well, I just gave birth to our second a few weeks ago. I found out I was pregnant only a few days after a huge drunken fight with my husband and I had told him we need to be more careful. Even though I desperately wanted a second child, I knew my body and mind was not in the best place to grow a baby. Fast forward and I just gave birth a few weeks ago. It’s like the past is haunting me and on steroids given the hormones and lack of sleep and also just remembering that during my last pregnant and postpartum he was following hundreds of half naked women on instagram and liking their posts , emailing himself whatever porn links to watch later, and literally refusing to touch me in any sexual way for years.

Has anyone else experienced this? It’s like I’m reliving the grief and unbelievable sadness and anger all over again. It feels like how could I ever forgive him?

It doesn’t help that he becomes super mean with lack of sleep which has resulted in a handful of days where he’s been super mean to me postpartum. However outside of those days he’s been doing as much as he can physically to support and I’ll just say he’s being trying with the emotional support.

Not sure what the point of this post is but I’m just feeling worse than ever. The couple thoughts that keep coming back to me are that within the first days or week of dday he made some comments that have made me SO self conscious postpartum. Something about how he liked my boobs even more now (versus the past when I was much skinnier) and also I at some point asked if he thought u let myself go after our first kid and that’s why he did what he did and ge said I don’t know maybe. He now promises me he didn’t mean those comments but given my postpartum body, it’s all I can think about.

I had a long labor that ended in a C-section and recovery has been tough. And everyday I get upset thinking about how my body will never be the same and definitely will never look like what he was looking at online for 20+ years.

I know I shouldn’t make any permanent decisions while freshly postpartum, but I can’t help but wonder if this is my true feeling and eventually will be best for me to cut ties. Even though I can’t imagine my life without him and he’s been my everything for two decades ….

my boyfriend and i were together for 8 months, and after 8 months i found out about his porn and sex addiction. I had no idea he had the extent his sex addiction went to throughout our relationship and he cheated on me the whole time. it happened to be a coincidence i found out, when i caught him somewhere he shouldn’t be one night. the 4 months following, i tried to reconcile. we were on/off. one day good, the next 3 days are bad.

he started CSAT therapy and group therapy. Goes 4x a week, but still very much struggles to give up porn and fetlife. Hardest part was that he would sit there and convince me that he is going to change, he only wants me, he wants to marry me (he had given me an ultimatum at 8 months to either marry him by end of 2027 or we were done bc i was still trying to figure out if i wanted to marry him or not), he wants to have children with me and “give me the life i never got” (classic i got lots of childhood trauma and he weaponized it). His words sound like what every girl wants their knight and shining armour to say. But what’s different is, my brain knows something is off. Something isn’t sitting right, something about this performance isn’t real. I should FEEL soothed and i should FEEL like i believe him, but i never did. it was a temporary bandaid that made me feel better until the anxiety and rumination came back.

During those 4 months i felt dreadful. I couldn’t focus at work, i could barely eat right, think right, be happy. i went into a major depression and anxiety spiral, and thank god for my support system and therapist, as i wouldn’t have been able to get through this without them. I had to be honest with everyone, as i was not going to hide his behaviors to protect his image. but, it made reconciling feel humiliating even if most people weren’t judging me for it. all i can say is those 4 months felt like a fever dream of trying to grasp what reality really was like the 8 months prior, my whole reality was distorted and nothing felt real. this relationship didn’t feel real. i would look at him and instead of seeing my lover, i saw my enemy. a spy who got in just to break me from the inside out. and i know, it’s his addiction, he wasn’t out to get me, but it felt like it. it felt personal and it hurt, a lot.

i took space, and spent a lot of time thinking about what it is that i want in life, and a partner. how do i want to feel with a partner, how do i want my partner to be spending their free time, how do i want my partner to treat me in my face, but also behind my back? and i realized, he didn’t fit the qualities of the man i want. yes, to my face he is a very sweet, empathetic, loving man. he does everything i ask him to. but i also know now, that he has his own demons, and his mental prison is his own, i cannot live in it with him.

i chose to leave. it broke his heart that i wasnt willing to do couples therapy or give him another chance even though he was “doing everything right” (but who really knows what’s going on behind the scenes). i can’t live in the constant doubt, rumination, low self esteem, and sadness all the time. staying helps him, because he has an accountability partner and someone to come home to at the end of all his acting out. but what do i get? a partner who lies, cheats, and makes me feel less than the absolute beautiful human being i am? at the end of all my hard work to reconcile, what do i gain? a man who already cheated on me once? no thanks.

he’s crying, begging, waiting for the day i come back. he literally says so himself. and honestly im not coming back. he would have to completely reinvent himself and fix his issues for me to ever consider him again.

honestly ive been feeling so much more relieved since i left. i’m starting to find happiness in the little things i always did, like taking walks, walking to my favorite honeysuckle bush just to smell it, the gym, spending time with my cat. i lost joy in all these things because of everything he did. people do not change without consequences, and even if i stayed, he wouldn’t face the consequence of his actions to the fullest extent. i’m leaving for his own good too, because i know he would never leave me.

leaving is hard, it took me 4 months to come to this decision and it’s really hard. but it was the right choice, for me.

For those of you who left, how and when did you file and inform your spouse?

For those of you that are planning your exit, what are your plans?

I’ve considered mediation to possibly be less expensive, yet I don’t see how an avoidant, passive aggressive porn addict that can’t tell the truth about many things, keeps things hidden, will not discuss anything, will be

*open and cooperative in mediation

*would not be passive aggressive if we were to live in same home through this process (90 day waiting period whether counted or not)

I’m considering filing temporary housing orders so he can go stay with friends or family while I sell the house (neither will be able to afford to stay) and he won’t be able to afford rent.

What are your experiences, thoughts, etc?

For reference, I’m planning to file, and working out the rest. Minimal has changed since two marriage counselors (2-3 years ago); the CSAT did nothing and he was back on thirst traps and doesn’t consider it porn, lied to me for over a month about it, finally admitted and despite going to individual counseling for the last 4-5 months to learn how to communicate better, does none of the homework, no curiosity about me or how I am and four years dead bedroom.

He can at times get very angry, yell, slam things, etc, so developing a safety plan. No, he has never physically harmed me.

Happy to hear your story of pros, cons, staying the course, what you did well at, if you would have done differently, etc.

Thank you.

So, I’m exactly 1 month out from DDay with my hubby. I just wanted to talk about some of the healing we’ve done in the past month.

Things have been extremely complicated, a lot of ups and downs, wanting him around and also wanting him out of my house at the same time. For me, the lies were 100% the issue. The porn was minimal compared to that.

Well, in this last week as my husband and I have gone to individual therapy and couples therapy, we’ve learned things that have made it easier for me to forgive the lies. I asked him to move back in with us; he’d been staying at his parents house for a couple of weeks.

I wouldn’t have asked him to come home if I didn’t feel good about him being here. However, there’s still so much hesitation and fear around letting him back into our home and especially my heart. The way he talks and the effort he’s made makes me feel confident that he’s serious about his changes. But I’m still worried it’s not real or won’t last…

What are some experiences, positive or negative, that really sold to you that things would either be okay or that they wouldn’t be? I feel like we’re in a good place. But there’s that underlying fear I’m having a hard time shaking off!