r/loveafterporn

I met my husband five years ago. Back then I was still porn-positive. I watched it myself too - but considered OnlyFans a whole different ball game and told him so. The platform is designed to hook, it's about way more than a quick get-off. He had every chance to disagree. He didn't. What more could I have done?

I caught him watching a famous OF girl's leaked content a year ago. We were about to get married in a month. Immediately alarmed, I told him, again, why watching a specific streamer's OF content didn't sit right with me, even if he hadn't paid for it. It's parasocial and intimate. The girls market themselves as favorite secret online girlfriends. I also raised the issue of our slowly declined sex life. He had started to initiate less and less, had started to turn me down. I was taken by surprise when he told me he'd actually like to have sex every other day or so. I took the deal happily. I thought we had for sure laid all our cards on the table and our marriage would be splendid.

At that point I quit watching porn. Now that I'd seen what he had been consuming, I got uncomfortable. And why was I doing it? Where was the sense in us in separate rooms, getting off to other people, when we could be creating magic together? I had never used porn as a substitution for real life intimacy, but I still felt it necessary to reconsider my habits. After just a few weeks I understood how much porn had shaped my own sexual palette. I've now been sober for six months and twelve days. I'm never going to watch it again. I don't think it's good for anyone, in any amount.

We got married. Yay.

Five months ago my suspicions around our once more quiet bedroom led me to the discovery of his actual OnlyFans account. He'd created one before we even dated, but only started subscribing about a year into our relationship. My world shattered. I first gave him the chance to come clean, asking him an open question about if he'd ever used OnlyFans. He lied straight to my face, this man I had devoted myself to in front of all of our friends and family just last summer.

Quickly enough I realized this would either make or break our marriage. Instead of basking in newlywed bliss, I had to cry for my husband to treat this crisis seriously. He said he was sorry and that he was ready to take responsibility. I believed him but made it clear it'd be essential for him to confess everything and anything, big and small stuff. Why had he been turning to porn instead of me? What led him to use OnlyFans? Were there any dirty details I should be aware of, things that could cause harm if they didn't come from his mouth but I had to find out myself later on?

He wrote some heartfelt pages about his relationship with sex, porn and insecurity. I was encouraged, thinking I had the truth and we would come stronger out of it all.

Four months ago I went pain-shopping. The wound was still fresh, pain immense. Digging into one of the OF girls' socials I realized she'd been attending some work-related events with my husband. I lost my mind. I understood the very real danger of trickle truths. I yelled at him like never before. I broke down. It wasn't about fantasy and pixels anymore. I demanded to know everything concerning his real life interactions with her. In order to stay in this marriage, I would have to know. He told me they'd only said hi, nothing more.

I tried to make sense of it. I grew bitter and hypervigilant. Something wasn't right. My body wasn't settling down. My mind was going obsessively over it, again and again, days filled with hatred and doubt.

So a week ago I was, again, pain-shopping - when I found a picture I had not yet seen before. There they were in a group photo, standing side by side. They weren't touching, but it felt like proof to me. Once more I asked him what had truly been going on between them, once more he told me it was nothing, still sticking to the story about them having just said hi.

A few days ago I attended a support group for betrayed women. One of them spoke of the moment when she finally believed her husband had told her everything. How after numerous D-Days she felt a shift that day. I realized with my full chest how I just couldn't believe my husband. My body felt all wrong whenever we talked about this specific girl. He looked so guilty. I was so sure there was more.

Yesterday I told him how tired I was of pain-shopping. Of practically stalking that girl. That I don't think I can even begin to heal until I know the full truth. I asked him, one last time, if they truly only said hi. Not in anger, not in despair - simply certain of the fact that my whole being was fighting the story he had been telling me.

Now he remembered they had actually changed a few more words during one of the events. Nothing intimate, but still more than just saying hi.

"Okay," I said. "Thanks for telling me. Is that now all of it?" I asked. "Yes," he nodded.

"Is there anything else I should know of?" I pressed on. "No," he shaked his head.

"Are you sure? I know there's been afterparties in the events. Maybe you've been drunk when you've spoken with her?"

That line of questioning was a total shot in the dark. But he went quiet for a long time. And then he confessed, yeah, there actually was one afterparty, he'd been sitting with a friend and she'd joined them for five minutes or so. I do actually believe him when he says they only talked about work. I genuinely don't think he's the type to hit on a co-worker when everybody around knows he's in a relationship. Not necessarily out of respect for me, but he is very precious about his good guy image.

I don't think he's a bad man. I've been with bad men. I think he's self-centered and immature and pain avoidant. He'd met someone he was attracted to and instead of distancing himself, he gave in to the lust and went searching for her fucking OnlyFans. I don't know if it's infidelity, but it's definitely not great relationship behavior.

These details of their interactions wouldn't be of any importance to anybody else. What does it matter if they changed a couple sentences on top of saying hi? It's not like I even suspected they were kissing, dancing, fucking. He didn't think it would matter, as he said last night. But for me, it feels like a gamechanger. I knew there was more. I knew there was some connection, some form of an interaction.

Now, there are actually some unnecessary details I wish I didn't know about his lusting. But this was of importance.

I wish he hadn't used OnlyFans. I wish he hadn't subscribed to her. I wish they would've only said hi. I wish he would've told me the full extent of their interactions back in December. I wish for many things. I'm not exactly gonna thank my husband for finally doing what he should've done months ago, but I feel relieved.

I'm distancing myself from him for a while. I'm fully prepared for the anger to hit me later on. The full realization. I'm entitled to it. But today my brain doesn't feel frantic, full of bees, trying to solve a puzzle somebody has hid the pieces of. My body feels more relaxed. For the first time since last December I feel like there's no more to be aware of. I'm not interested in every single sentence they said to each other - but I was right about it being more than just a fleeting hi. I have yet to be proven wrong about anything concerning his porn use. He has been choosing pixels over me. He was using OF. He did do more than just say hi to her.

A woman's intuition is both a wonderful and a terrible thing.

This is probably an irrelevant question but I wanted to share that my bf revealed to me (after I asked him about it for the first time) that the main category of porn he consumed was all about ”nn". That,I learned, meant"no nude". He was actually searching for pics with women in lingerie or bathing suits or skirts kr idk what else. But somewhat clothed women. All in sexual pics and positions.

Idk how to feel about this? Has anyone else been told that? Like is that even better than fully naked?

I just woke up a few minutes ago to the sun blaring through the windows and it immediately induced anxiety and dread. It terrifies me to think about all of the practically naked women he will be looking at and it kills me to think of him getting turned on by looking at them and imagining fucking them. The pain just makes me want to die. I wish I could just leave him. I wish I could go back in time and never meet him. I can’t believe that my life is like this.

Saw a post about FB Marketplace being a source of acting out for them, and it reminded me of something I discovered and wanted to alert everyone to. NextDoor has listings for escorts and "massage" parlors. It's not overt, and you have to search the proper terms (use your imagination of what might be professional sounding terms for these things), but it's there. And there are people who post asking for help with things, and the language is coded for swingers or has pics of upside down pineapples. (And for my husband, just reading posts from lonely housewives saying their husbands ignored them and they needed help with this or that, made my husband, ever seeking validation, ride in as the white knight to save them. Oh so helpful nice guy! 🙄)

My partner relapsed 7 months in recovery. He hasn’t told me yet because I had to find out. He knows I know and is likely going to be coming clean at tonight’s check-in after his SLAA meeting. We had a long talk last night and said “before we share our bed together, I want to check in tomorrow.” I’m not ready though. At least know I can go in with what I know, not blindsided. I’m just confused on how to handle a relapse this deep into recovery. In the past it was one month clean, relapse, repeat. The longest it had gone was 3 months since this moment. I don’t know my boundaries anymore. I’m so tired of feeling not good enough. Not knowing. Having to find out.

What’s the best response I can give for him to take his recovery seriously? I want him to choose this on his own terms. Not because of my pressure. Or because of resenting me. How do we even make recovery sustainable? I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make him change so knowing that, how do we handle relapses. I’m just lost.

Since before dday last year, my husband had switched from an “as needed” ED drug to a one a day low dose Cialis. At the time, he said he usually didn’t even take it everyday, sometimes spread it out more. After dday, we were having sex more than usual (it was a rarity before dday) and multiple times a week sometimes almost everyday for months. Then naturally things died down for a bit.

Fast forward to this year, he had surgery and didn’t want anything for a month- totally stopped his ED meds. Ever since then, every time we are intimate it’s on a planned day (maybe once months ago wasn’t) with a routine like he showers and is already hard when he comes out (I know he’s not looking at porn).

It finally dawned on me, I think he only wants it planned (he rejects me every time I try spontaneously, either too tired or something else) because he may be taking the pills right before and needs time.

I know he’s hasn’t watched porn in like 9mo after 20+ years. Is his use of meds something that I should leave alone? Or is it ok for me to ask him about it? It just feels like another secret about sex, and I feel like I can’t tolerate. I just want to know if I keep getting rejected because he’s really not up for it, or if he just needs to plan for it. But I don’t want to start a whole thing about it, esp when I have other triggers I bring up rather frequently.

I did get upset after the last rejection… and asked if there’s a reason he won’t be spontaneous and generally said like does he need to prepare and he denied it all. But his reasons that time threw me off versus when he’s just too exhausted at night.

My partner can’t even look at me because of guilt.

He just looks away.

He looks away literally, as in he physically cannot look at me. I feel constantly ignored. I have to beg for compliments and even then I get none.

He looks away emotionally. My needs are ignored and my dreams are shelved. My requests are acknowledged but never fulfilled.

He looks away sexually. We never have sex, and he never sees me sexually. Even dressed sexily he won’t notice me, and he just dissociates during sex to think of porn (even though it only happens once a month max).

I get no niceties, no compliments. No reassurance, no empathy and no love.

I am a ghost.

So just abit of a post of where to look I guess and which innocent sites to look out for , I'm gunner list all the places and apps I found during our DD and feel free to keep adding .

• tumblr

•reddit

•instagram

•YouTube

•xbox

•discord

•deviant art

• onlyfans

•Google (not even searching for porn but looking at bikini photos of celebrities)

•x ( formally twitter)

•steam

•Snapchat

•tiktok

Some of the more common but less known sites

•fansly

•telegram

•kik

•feetfinder

•admire me

•adult work

I feel like these PA just keep getting more creative and I want this post to help someone not feel like they have been living under a damn rock , like I currently feel . This content is everywhere, literally everywhere. From soft core to hard core . From fetish related to everyday content that's been turned into porn .

I am so angry so i apologize for any mistakes.

Tw: Sexual assault, Domestic violence, Cheating

A couple of years ago i was in my first and long-term relationship. It was everything i ever wanted. Until we moved in together. He isolated me from everything. Family, friends, acquaintances and i was not allowed to go to school or any job that required me to work with another male. After the isolation he started to financially abuse me. All the money i saved up went to video games, His porn addiction and junk food. And if i would even dare to speak up it would be met with violence or him cheating on me because i was making him “unhappy”.

This went on for years, and after years of putting up with the constant abuse i was finally able to get out. After that i went to live back home, and i started a long legal and mental journey.

This year i felt like i was ready to slowly start dating again, but i was not actively going to search for it (No dating apps etc.), and that is when i met my new boyfriend.

Before our relationship i told him a little about what happened in my past relationship and how that affected me and how i sometimes need more time to feel comfortable with things. He was very understanding and said he would help me feel comfortable in every way.

And since that conversation he did try his best to make me feel comfortable, however a couple of weeks ago this started to change. I knew he was an ex PA, he told me he went to therapy for it. But as time went on he started pushing me to do things i did not want to do. Now i learned my boundaries in therapy and i made them very clear to him. And every time he “understood” them a little. Until last week

We were talking about pornography and how there was a website that was in the news that week about women being posted whom were asleep or being sexually assaulted. After that he said something along the lines of “I’m very glad i quit porn to be in a relationship with you.” So i told him to clarify himself. And he said he had been clean for the weeks we were together, but that he did watch porn daily before that.

We got into an argument, and i told him it was a boundary for me. And that he lied to me. But instead of being understanding he tried to minimize the abuse I went through in my last relationship saying things like

“Because of what you went through, i need somewhere else to release my kinks. Because you are too soft for them”

And

“Ahwww am i giving you traumas just like your ex? By looking at you i am giving you traumas aren’t i?”

He sounded so diminishing. I thought he would understand considering his daughter had a rough time after the divorce, and went to therapy for it, and is now also taking small steps into trusting new partners of her father again. I thought he understood that you cannot just go from 0 to 100 in a few weeks.

I was furious and i told him to get out. He told me he feels like the bad guy because of my boundaries within our relationship (He had some dom-sub kinks that i absolutely did not want to try out.), and that it is not his fault that my ex treated me like that.

And other things that just made me feel like he did not see anything my ex did as wrong.

Since then i have told him i want to break up, and that we are broken up.

I am just so unbelievably furious, after so long i finally felt strong enough to date and now this. I feel like i just got thrown twenty steps down the latter.

tonight I finished nursing my baby and was flirting with him. he grabbed my boob and said after I’m done nursing it feels like holding a corn hole bag. ughhh so deflating. i felt bad and just went inward and closed up. now he’s mad saying I ruined the night cause we’re so fragile now. like yeah, you didn’t view anyyyyy postpartum boobs. it’s just not what gets you off. don’t touch my f-ing body anymore. don’t even look at it. it looks this way because I gave you a child.

I am a destroyed wife whose husband had an affair due to being addicted to porn. Is that even a thing? I may be naive not to believe that, because I hear that it’s possible.

History: when we got together over 20 years ago, I knew he liked to watch porn. It didn’t bother me much at the time. Years went by and it started to bother me so I asked him to stop. He never did, just tried to hide it better, but I would find out and then we would fight about it.

Fast forward to 2018. I had a hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy. As the years went on, it was around 2020 that I gave him full reign on watching porn, meaning I gave him permission to watch porn as much as he wanted so he could masterbate as often as needed since my libido was non-existent.

From Feb 2023-April 2024, he was having an affair with someone 20 years younger than him. They had A LOT of sex. Most mornings in a back alley by a dumpster. Other times in a hotel, that never lasted more than an hour.

According to him, he was watching porn multiple times a day, every day. He said he needed more than just masterbation and found someone willing to fulfill that need. Unfortunately, she didn’t want a sexual only relationship, as he told her that’s all he wanted, so then he lied and ended up faking a relationship with her just to keep the sex going. That’s according to him.

So, those who are addicts, has anyone done this? Did anyone go as far as fake a relationship just to get sex? Just wondering how far an addiction can take someone, or how far they would go to fulfill a sexual need.

FYI: He no longer watches porn, and he has changed in so many ways, for the better. He’s also in IC.

(trigger warning for 4th/5th paragraph)

how to come to terms with losing your best friend? that's honestly the hardest part for me right now. the person I could laugh with, always be myself with... the person I spent almost every day with. We could rely on each other to pick up the slack if one of us was not doing so well etc etc. I do have other friends, but don't see them too often. I can take a step back now, and realize the issues we've had since the very beginning made us incompatible, let alone the issues I only recently found out about. I know now that we don't have what I thought we had. And I know that even if I go through with divorce, while it feels like losing my best friend, I know I've ALREADY lost him. Or really, he was never fully there to begin with. I can acknowledge that in my mind, but I guess my heart is being a little baby out of nowhere 😅 right now it's telling me that he does love me, and if he can ditch this addiction, then we'll finally have the romance, intimacy, and connection I've been needing. If he can just address the core issues through therapy, he can be a more open person BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am well aware that's soooo unlikely. I do keep affirming to myself that things never changed in our relationship all of these years, so why would they now? Even if they could, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him and feel as freely as I did before. Anyways. Mini rant 1 over.

I couldn't remember the last time I cried. Weeks, over a month ago? Maybe 2? I don't know. I kind of settled into survival mode I guess. And resentful mode. Completely disconnected mode. But the last few weeks I've been sleeping worse than ever. Today, I've felt so on edge. I saw a video of someone acting like a mom, being so understanding and supportive and I had to fight myself not to cry. Maybe because I haven't talked to my mom about any of this. I haven't talked to anyone face to face.

Anyways, he went to bed in his room, and I kept scrolling on my phone in mine. I still felt like I was on the edge and I needed to let go. I finally listened to a song on repeat that I cried to in the shower before (lol). After the second or third listen, I was finally able to cry. It wasn't even for long (how long do people normally cry? 😅 wtf). I don't know if it helped or not. I'm just exhausted with a headache, now. But why all of a sudden, now?

Maybe because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be with him any longer? We're incompatible. Maybe I'm now seeing divorce as an eventuality, instead of a possibility? I want to figure out something in the next few months, I think. I can't imagine another year+ of this... But I'm scared for him. I'm scared for me, too, but I'm more scared for him since he doesn't have the support and presence of others that I have... and I know that's not my fault, but I'm still so, so worried for him. It doesn't help that (TRIGGER WARNING) I had an ex that had a suicide attempt a little after we broke up. It was when I was moving my stuff out. I was the one who figured out the location and police were able to find and help him, thankfully. But I'm definitely still traumatized by it. I could NOT live with myself if I left and something happened to my husband... I know that responsibility isn't really on me, but how do I convince myself of that!? I can't, and it's driving me crazy. I keep wondering if we need to stay married longer (even if we aren't really acting as partners anymore) to give him a chance to build some sort of support system, but. Idk. Idk if that's in any way realistic and also what does that mean for me. Probably crazy to divorce even while finishing out a lease together(?) I'm sure it's ideal to live separately asap/have that figured out before divorce? Ack.

Sorry. It's just an especially rough night tonight. I feel like I want out, but I need time. And I don't want to hurt anyone... But also how long can I go on like this. Sometimes I just really want a space away from him... thankfully we have separate rooms, but as an example, he comes home for lunch and wants to have a conversation and stuff and a big part of me doesn't want to. I just want to be left alone. And I feel terrible about it! Wtf. But then if I really think about it, being without him seems scary/sad. And I'm really having trouble coming to terms with it. Fml

Just thought I would share this:

Formative Memories.

A formative memory is a pivotal experience or early influence that significantly shapes your character, values, and sense of self. These foundational experiences—whether a challenging life event, a profound achievement, or a moment of deep connection—wire your brain and define how you navigate the world.

This is why they always seem to come down with amnesia when we call them out on some bullshit. They don't remember some of our most traumatic moments bc it was an average effing Tuesday for them.

The shit they do is so normal to them but to us it's betrayal, hurt, and disgust so profound- it changes the way we think and feel forever.

I need some advice Reddit friends.

D-day was November last year and with my PA’s permission and passwords I have done a deep dive into everything.

I have checked every app, run every report on every platform, I have checked all of his emails, run google takeout reports, checked his bank statements, checked his computer, checked his messages and calls.

There is absolutely no evidence of him stepping outside of our relationship but I have had a gut feeling since very early on that there is more.

He doesn’t know what I have found but everything we have discussed matches what I have. He is in recovery doing everything he is supposed to do but my gut won’t stop and it’s driving me mad.

Where else do I look? Where did you find evidence? Is my gut just so screwed up I can’t trust it? Any advice and recommendations are so appreciated.

I broke up with him almost 6 months ago. (History) Spent a little over 3 years together (f24 now, m30). After a few months the lack of intimacy started. After a year and a half, he finally admitted to porn being the issue. The next years were promising to stop, lying about having stopped for a couple of months, then him finally admitting it again. It took a long time for me to get to the point of breaking up for good, I’m sure some of you understand. Letting go of the promises and the good parts, despite the lies and betrayal, is so so hard. I’m posting now because about 3 months after we broke up he got a new girlfriend and moved in with her. I guess since its almost at 6 months now, I’ve healed a lot from the breakup and have moved forward in a low of ways. One thing keeping me stuck though is the idea that if I had stayed again, this time maybe he would’ve changed. Or even more, that now that he is with someone new he will change for her. That she will get what I fought and tried and hurt so bad for years for. And I think also that after all of the pain and hurt that he caused, that I spend my nights trying to heal from what he did and he gets to be fine and happy and with someone new, with no consequences. I guess I’m wondering if there’s anyone else who has been in this situation or has advice? I know that some of this is ego and pain driven, but I’m wondering how to move forward from these feelings. Thank you!

Edit: Something is wrong and I can’t view the comments. I can see the first few words in my notifications, but the full comments will not load and I get a server error message. I hope it’s just temporary but please know I’m not ignoring anyone.

I’ll start by saying that my husband hasn’t officially been diagnosed as a PA, but I have strong suspicions and we’ve had talks about it that seem to point in this direction. I’m going to try to be brief - posted in another community about the details but it felt like this might be a more understanding place to get help.

Obviously I love him so much, so I’ll skip that part. We have a toddler. I found out my husband had been interacting with and paying cam girls for years, even before our relationship. He assured me that I’m what he wants, he promised he would quit, but it’s still been all on me to push for transparency, to get him to take down photos of girls from his office, to share his device passcodes, and I have caught him several more times commenting on girl’s pictures to get nudes or even searching for nsfw posts from people in our own city.

Let me be clear, I always ask him for his story first, I do my best to not react with anger or hurt but sometimes it can’t be helped. I want to help him, I want to make him feel like he can come to me with anything, but lying and hiding things is so awful to me that it almost eclipses the cheating. Today I saw that he had deleted his browser history which isn’t something you’d do unless you’re hiding something. I have zero talent for hiding my feelings, so when he comes home I will have to talk to him, but I honestly don’t know what to do or how to approach this. I keep thinking I‘ve shown him that he can come to me with anything and we can work it out together, but then things like this happen.

Can anyone help me figure out where to go from here?

...or is my algorithm affected by the things my husband watches using the same Wi-Fi as me?

Hey all,

Have any of you determined/been told that your partner's porn use was driven by selfishness and a refusal to change INSTEAD of addiction?

My partner's therapist (who I have no issues with whatsoever - she has never once dismissed my partner's behavior or its impact) is unsure that their porn use was driven by addiction. She (therapist) suggested that my partner's use was not problematic on its own, but in the context of our relationship. So, the problem to be explored is not addiction itself, but the reasons why my partner felt the need to conceal, lie about, and prolong the behavior.

I feel numb at best and devastated at worst. It sucks because this is what I thought was the case for years anyway: that my partner was choosing this behavior and wasn't willing to come to a compromise for me. For YEARS, I never even asked them to stop using porn entirely, but to use some discretion (not follow/like on public social media where myself and others can see; not use next to me; not use during work hours, etc.). Every time we talked, they agreed these asks were reasonable and that they could make those changes. Every time they lied.

So, on this year's D-Day when we started looking at the problem through the lens of an addiction, it was both easier and more difficult to grapple with. I felt guilty that I had blamed my partner alone for their actions when they were driven by something - at least, to some extent - out of their control. But at least it meant it wasn't driven by a lack of respect for me or the impact the lies had on me.

Now, I feel guilty that my support and empathy for them has waned just because we might not use the "a-word" anymore. But I can't help it. Now I just feel like a dummy who has monitoring software on my partner's phone because I can't trust them without it, not because it's an accountability measure to support them along recovery. I feel like a crazy person that restricts my partner from having social media because if I don't, they'll use it to look at porn.

Now I don't feel like they're "recovering". Instead, I feel like they've decided to start respecting me for the first time in 6 years.

I know no one can tell me where to go from here, but I would love to hear whatever experience, advice, or encouragement you might have.

Thank you and lots of love.

My partner and I do light check-ins when I'm anxious. I'll ask if he's been good and he'll confirm. We both know this means he hasn't watched porn or fantasized about his coworker.

Today was a stressful day for me and my trains home from work got delayed so I came in during our time for virtual couples therapy. He was on the call (this is fine, i've done similar when he's ran late (though i usually at least offer to try and reschedule and he didn't but i think im just annoyed with the long day so)) and I just let him have it but he knew well before the session that I was upset about being delayed and coming home much later. I went to my office to decompress because I'll also likely be missing individual therapy this week due to work and missing therapy is a big trigger for me. But i told myself (and my best friend) I wouldn't take it out on him, i'd just stay to myself. I also told him to just give me space unless I said otherwise before I got home. My point being, he knew i was upset in my office because i told him i would be, though i didn't take it out on him.

After the session, he comes to my office and says that he's been good. I ask him since when (basically has he been porn free since DDay) and... he can't tell me DDay. He gives me an event that happened after/because of the DDay but then says this was the month prior (as in he just mixed up what month that event was in)! I then ask if he's also been good about the fantasizing and he says yes. I ask since when and he gives me the same month, which isn't even a month that I thought he fantasized about her during! He eventually remembers he just fantasized about her last month! I ask him if he just says shit atp because he's clearly not thinking and he says yes.

So here I was, de-stressing after a long work day and a longer commute home. HE makes it a point to come to ME to tell me he's been good; I didn't ask. And yet he cant even tell me the dates of when the last DDays were! Big fat fucking liar alert or?? Trying to piss me off alert or?? Now, I don't even believe him!

So either the DDay's and my feelings about them aren't a big deal, hence him not even being able to store those in his memory. Or he's just lying to me and trying to remember when HE TOLD ME they last happened. And I woke up this morning thinking about this shit but didn't let that affect the way I treated him AT ALL! Must be nice to not have this shit haunt you, to not have the dates carved in your fucking being.

It’s been about ten days since we separated and it’s all hitting me really hard today. It’s over. My favorite person in the world is no longer in my life. The future I’d imagined with him—the kids and growing old—is never happening. We’ll never sit on the couch and eat dinner and laugh about our days ever again.

Yes he was a liar. A cheater. An addict. But he was also my husband. My baby. My first love. These things feel very hard to reconcile right now.

Ever since I was a little girl I always imagined being a wife and mom. I imagined other things for myself like having a career and traveling the world. But I wanted to have my own little family so badly. To have people that I cared for and who cared for me. A family to create loving memories with and to be so excited to come home to everyday. And now I won’t have that. At least not any time soon. And not with the one person I wanted so badly to do it with.

I think the initial anger I felt towards him is wearing off and now I just feel incredibly sad. It’s 3pm and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. My apartment is such a mess. Every item in it feels like a memory of our last 12 years together and I just don’t know where to begin with sorting through all of it.

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post is. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that all of this will get easier. That I’ve made the right choice to end things. That staying in a dead bedroom marriage with an addict is worse than what I’m feeling right now. Because at this very moment, it doesn’t feel like it…