I wish I was more angry
My husband and I have been together for over 13 years, married for almost 4. We met in high school.
He cheated in the past, over 9 years ago. I was gutted. It became my biggest insecurity. But i stayed, believing that he would be better and put me first. Put us first. Our future, first.
As we've gotten into our 30s, our bodies changed. Ive been working on self acceptance and embracing myself for years now. CPTSD and a traumatic, neglectful childhood. He's never even tried to seek therapy. He was embarrassed to take his shirt off in front of me. We barely have sex once a month.
I looked at his phone yesterday and found porn. It was saved to his phone and I just started shaking. I couldnt believe what I saw. But everything clicked. The lack of intimacy. The lack of initiation. The lack of affection. Lack of attention to me.
When I confrinted him, he admitted to having an addiction. I told him he needs to go to therapy and work on himself because he is using porn as a distraction from his problems. From his own insecurities and hard childhood. I refuse to do the emotional work for him, to do the emotional lifting for both of us.
I sobbed and cried in agony last night, I couldnt sleep and we talked. He was vulnerable and shared a lot. More than he ever has bfore. He opened up about his self hatred. He admitted that he's never had sex with anyone but me, that I was his first.
Today, in anger and hurt, I removed all of our wedding portraits, our prom photo, our trips, group photos, even pictures of myself. We are still in our first apartment after our wedding, so I had photos of our wedding all over. Theyre in bags by his side of the bed.
I even put my jewelry he has gifted over the years in a box on his nightstand. I cant stomach looking at any of it right now, let alone wearing any if it. Im wearing the ring my dad gifted me instead.
I wish I was more angry. I wish i yelled at him more. I wish he didn't hate himself the way he does. I wish he werent a hypocrite. I wish i didnt fawn and try to comfort him so much. I feel so stupid.
He supported me through my own substance use problems. But this feels like a greater betrayal because he chose to seek satisfaction through porn than invest more in our relationship. In me...
He scheduled a therapy session and is going to a SAA or similar group tonight. Ironically, it was around this time 9 years ago I found out about the cheating. Practically to the day. And, again, we have to see his family and pretend everything is okay. His birthday is coming up, too... the kicker? "Its nothing you did." "There is nothing you did wrong, this was my mistake." Identical to when I found out about the cheating.
I have no one other than my own therapist to talk to about this.. and im scared of being judged for wanting to believe in him...