How can a soldier heal while still in the trenches?
D-day was years ago. We tried. I tried so hard, but it eventually became clear he would never stop, the lies and the manipulation just kept growing until they became bigger than the relationship itself. I can’t leave right now , for a multitude of reasons, including the fact that some part of me doesn’t even want to, I’m so deep in the abuse cycle that it’s the only thing I know. I want to want to leave, if that makes sense, that’s the closest I can get to it most days
I know he’s already gone in his head. He keeps saving things, links and names, and I know it’s so he can go back to it once I’m not around anymore, and by god that hurts
I have a parental control app on his phone, I told him it’s so I can feel safe, and that I don’t even check it anymore. That’s not true, I check it compulsively, over and over, and I hate myself for it every single time
I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been, no friends, no hobbies, I cry in the shower and have panic attacks I try my best to hide from him because I’m scared if he sees it or hears it he’s gonna get fed up, the app gets removed, or I get removed. And I have nowhere else to go
I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t know how to climb out of a hole that gets deeper every day, I either sleep too much or not at all, I eat like cr4p, I try to numb myself most of the time because I can’t be alone with my thoughts without feeling like throwing up
I know therapy would help, but I don’t have access to it right now
If you made it through this whole thing please just say “hi, I read it.” I just need to know someone out there knows how much I’m hurting, I desperately need to feel witnessed