I posted about my situation for the first time yesterday. I’ve known about my husband’s PA for 11 years, but haven’t allowed myself to truly see the damage it’s caused until a few days ago.

My first marriage was abusive in all the ways. It taught me to be small and keep the peace at all costs in order to keep myself safe. Even though my current husband is gentle, loving and would NEVER overtly abuse me, I brought my trauma mind with me into this marriage as well. With every instance of discovery and every failed attempt at intimacy, I muted and shrunk myself down further. Looking back, I now see that I abandoned myself completely about 6 years ago.

I no longer recognize the woman I was before my first marriage. The realization of my complete self-abandonment has honestly been traumatic for me—I have all the PTSD symptoms right now. I know that the behavior of my PA is what landed me here, but honestly—it feels like I’ve exacerbated my own C-PTSD because I’ve known what was going on the whole time… I’ve just been gaslighting and blaming myself into non-existence.

I’m just trying to muster enough energy and self-love to start taking care of myself again. I haven’t done so in many years. I’m disabled, so I rarely leave the house. I have no routine or consistent self-care rituals. I’m completely overwhelmed and stuck in a freeze state.

I reached out to a CSAT today and have been doing a ton of research. That’s all I’ve got in me right now. I’m not focusing on my husband AT ALL. I need space and time to return to myself before I can even think about his BS.

Can any of you relate to the feeling that you’ve inadvertently abused yourself by unconsciously suppressing your pain?

This is such a strange concept, but it’s totally how I’m feeling and it SUCKS.

For those of you on the other side—what were some of the first things you did to take care of yourself that really had a positive emotional impact?

(Please keep in mind that my base level is LOW right now. I’m starting from literally nothing.)

This is going to be a long one. Please stay with me…

Two years after leaving an abusive marriage, I met my current husband. He is like no other man I’ve ever met. He’s gentle, kind, smart, funny, and loves me unconditionally. Everyone who meets him loves him. He’s a genuinely wonderful human being.

I struggle with C-PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and out of control ADHD… and he’s only ever supported me through my struggles. He’s continuously lifted me up and taken care of me emotionally, physically and financially through years of repeated darkness on my part. I’ve called him an angel throughout our 11 years together because I honestly can’t believe that he’s been able to stick by me through the hell that my brain causes. He hasn’t simply stuck by me—he’s kept smiling and bringing joy and hope to our relationship, even during times when I couldn’t get out of bed for days (sometimes weeks) on end. He is truly my best friend and I love him so much.

That has been my truth for the duration of our relationship and it’s honestly kept me going in times when I thought I couldn’t anymore. While it is a truth about our marriage—there is another truth that I’ve suppressed deeper and deeper as the years have gone by… and I’ve only recently allowed myself to see the destruction it’s caused:

My husband’s PA has caused me to lose a huge part of my identity and self-worth… and has potentially exacerbated my mental illnesses.

I’ve known about his PA since the beginning. He’s had PIED since we met (he says he’s had ED his whole life and I now know it’s from P and a rough hand.) During one of our first sexual encounters I caught him holding his phone behind my head watching P while I was laying on his chest and touching him. It was so insulting and demoralizing, but I didn’t realize HOW fucked up it was in that moment. I do now and thinking about it makes me feel like I was kicked in the gut. That was definitely a “capital T” Trauma for me, but I didn’t see that until very recently.

I’ve always had a healthy libido and sex was an important part of my past relationships (until my ex-husband because he was awful). In the beginning of my relationship with my current husband, I accepted his struggles with ED and loved him anyway because his other qualities were so redeeming and honorable. Compared to my ex-husband, he was the perfect man. Besides… we were headed into middle age, so I told myself that sex wasn’t going to be important in a few years. Our best friendship is what really counts. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

In the early years, I’d start arguments about the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship. I’d tell him that sex is important to me and I missed it. He’d tell me that he didn’t think sex was as important as a loving emotional connection. 🚩 I guess I thought it was kind of sweet. I just figured he wasn’t as sexual as I was and focused on the fact that his emotional love was true and rare and I was blessed to have him in that regard. (I stuffed the knowledge that he has plenty of drive for women on the internet into a jar in the depths of my subconscious.)

For the first few years, I kept trying to spark intimacy. I bought tons of lingerie, tried costumes to attempt to look like the women he “wanted” because clearly me being me wasn’t cutting it. Nearly every encounter left me disappointed and self-conscious because he couldn’t perform with me. Many times, I’d get angry afterward because I knew his performance issues were because of PA and he was continuing to choose his addiction over a healthy sex life with me. My frustration never outweighed my love for him though… so I swallowed it (over and over) and focused on his positives.

Looking back, I see that as time passed, I got tired of trying. I also experienced multiple traumatic events outside of our relationship between 2017-2022 that sent me into a horrible depressive state for a long time. My libido completely died. I blamed it on the tragic losses I’d experienced. I blamed it on perimenopause. I blamed it on my unwell brain. I continued to focus on my husband’s kindness and empathy and repeatedly reminded myself how lucky I was to have him. After all… I’m a freaking HOT MESS and he’s an “angel.”

Over the last 5 years or so, I think we’ve had sex 4 times? If that. Every now and then, he’ll tell me that he hasn’t PMO’d or MO’d in ___ many days and we should “TRY this weekend.” Inside I’m rolling my eyes and gagging a little, but I nod and smile and pray he drops it before the weekend. I don’t want him to even see me naked anymore, let alone touch me in a sexual way. His PA has made him gross in my eyes and I’ve become an asexual lump of emptiness.

The craziest thing is that I’ve convinced myself that our lack of sexual intimacy is MY FAULT. I’ve spent so much time feeling guilty that I have no libido. I’ve felt ashamed for not being attracted to him anymore. At one point, I even gave him permission to PMO because I was “withholding” sex! I’ve been berating myself for not being a “good wife,” when all the while…

HIS PA has been slowly poisoning me for a decade.

I feel like an empty shell. I’m unrecognizable to myself. I used to be active and have hobbies and loved being social. I’m now withdrawn and struggle to find pleasure in anything. I feel like I’ve turned into a zombie because I’ve spent the last 11 years with a man who’s addicted to screens. His brain is so unwell that he needs constant dopamine from video games, social media, television and porn. He has very little desire to actively participate in life and I seem to have caught his zombie-sloth-likeness via osmosis. It makes me sick when I think about it.

A couple weeks ago, I stumbled upon the r/deadbedrooms sub and a woman in one of the comments mentioned that their DB was due to PA and mentioned r/loveafterporn. After spending some time here and reading other women’s experiences, a LOT of suppressed feelings and memories started coming up for me… and I got PISSED. I realized I’ve been gaslighting my damn SELF into thinking that my husband is a perfect angel and my mental health is the cause of our sexless marriage!! 🤯

The human brain’s capacity for convincingly distorting the truth to itself is baffling.

Two days ago, I erupted. I didn’t yell. I did cry. A lot. I wish I could remember what I said, but it’s a total blur. The interesting thing is that it was a D Day for HIM. I’ve known all along that he has PA, but it wasn’t until I laid all the evidence of a decade of his PA induced trauma in front of him that it FINALLY clicked for him that his addiction is real, life altering and has caused serious damage.

He emailed a CSAT yesterday and is calling him when he gets home from work tonight. He went out and bought an alarm clock so he won’t have his phone with him before bed anymore. (We’re sleep divorced because he snores, so he’s leaving it charged where I sleep.) He brought books into his bedroom and into the bathroom, as to not to be on his phone when I’m not around for any extended period of time. These things he did of his own volition. I ordered him “Your Brain on Porn” by Gary Wilson. That’s where we’re at 2 days after my eruption/his D Day.

Where I’m at? I’m spiraling. I’m TKO’d. Immediately after my verbal release of all of this, I felt much better. I even felt closer to him in the hours following and into the next morning. I even felt a twinge of libido from the hope that he might potentially change someday. (How sad is that?!) Today I feel like I was JUST traumatized. It’s been happening in small ways over and over and over again for 11 years, but apparently I’ve been shoving every instance into a jar in my subconscious where I refused to look at it. It’s been inside me, festering and growing mold and bubbling over… making me sicker and sicker as the years passed. My eruption at my husband on Saturday was the eruption of the PA trauma jar in my brain. 🌋

I’m suffering FAR more than he could fathom. I’m enveloped in a ridiculous amount of fear, sadness and desperation and I can’t shake it off. I don’t know if I believe that he can change. I’m scared that I’ll always be an afterthought and his PA will always be what’s on the forefront of his mind. I can’t believe I knowingly neglected myself like this for so long… and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to tell if I should leave him because I’m clearly the queen of gaslighting herself. What a mess.

I struggle with all of these things and am really looking forward to the knowledge and insight that will be shared here!! Thanks for providing this space!! You rock!!! ❤️‍🔥