Destroyed myself by looking.
I hadn't snooped in years.
He keeps his phone locked 99% of the time, but every once in a while he will "screw up" and accidentally leave it unlocked. Several such times over this past year, I've just picked it up and locked it.
I've been operating under the attitude of knowing that he still does it, but being able to pretend things are alright if I just feign ignorance.
Last night he was out for a walk with our daughter while I was cooking him dinner. Not for everyone (kids already ate), HIM, and I heard an alarm going off on his phone from our bedroom. When I went to turn it off I impulsively broke my own rule. We hadn't had sex in a month and he really seemed to struggle through the last couple times we had.
I wish I could bleach my brain. Not only was it all there, hundreds of tabs like there have been any other time I've looked in the past, but what I saw was a clear escalation to something incredibly disturbing/disgusting. Nothing illegal or predatory, but fucking bizarre and gross and completely indicative of this actually being an addiction, something he denies.
I don't think I/we can come back from this. I feel tired and defeated. I don't even think I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life anymore.