I feel like I should never date again
I don’t know if this will be a question or maybe I just need to vent.
My ROCD has been really hard on my first ever serious, loving relationship. I never had the “do I love him” “am I attracted to him” struggle, but I constantly thought he was cheating on me. Almost all the time we weren’t together I thought he was talking to someone else, lusting over someone, etc.
We had a short break a couple months ago because I said I couldn’t take what was happening in my brain anymore, but I regretted it and said I would try to get help and get myself under control.
In past ocd themes I’ve gone through therapy helped a bit but it’s always there. I went back on Prozac and that has helped a bit. He really wanted me to go to therapy and I feel terrible during our relationship now that I didn’t.
We broke up yesterday and I am getting myself back to therapy and probably upping my medication. The thing is, I don’t even blame him for ending things and I take full responsibility. His father reached out to me and told me he’d never hurt me and he truly loved me, but I don’t think he knows what I go through and it’s hard to explain.
Before I met him, I was single and celibate for 3 years, and I felt pretty at peace with myself honestly. But he brought me so much love and happiness and it’s hard to imagine a world where anyone is as patient, understanding, and trying to help with this illness, along with my ocd also came a fear of sex which he also helped with. Although, he felt like he just made things worse for me. Sometimes it feels like I should just be alone to save myself and others the stress. I don’t know if that’s the answer. I don’t know if anyone else who has struggled with rocd has just decided it might be easier to just live a life for yourself?