Relationship OCD (F26) with BF (M27)
I (F26) recently starting dating a man (M27) i can genuinely see myself marrying (we’ve been seeing each other for 3 months). The problem is i have severe relationship anxiety & have now convinced myself that i’m too old for him, that he’ll eventually want to date someone in the 4-5 years younger range.
He’s so kind - the type of kind that’s boyish and a little naive, but who’s also extremely good at his job & able to be assertive. In our relationship he’s been respectful though a little sensitive at times. He fell fast, inviting me on a family trip a couple weeks in & asking me to be his gf almost 2 months in. Now he’s telling me forever, and that he wants to marry me, and all these things. I agree, but 3 months is a really short amount of time and i guess ive gained some wisdom (or just figured him out early) to know it is genuine, that he really does feel that way. Im his first real gf since high school, and the second girl he’s said “i love you” to. I just think he’s the type of man to maybe say these things and not realize that the future is wide and vast and there’s a possibility we don’t work out.
I just turned 26 last week on top of getting thru my 3rd emergency contraceptive pill in 3 months. I was uncontrollably crying last week, irritated, thinking everyone at work hated me, and most of all, spiraling over my bf wanting a younger woman.
During the first month of us talking, he invited me to a work event. He had told me they hired an 18 yr old girl (immediate what?) and i didnt want to cause a stink - so i just watched the way he interacted with her, etc. i obviously got a weird feeling. Like she tapped him on the shoulder once to help her do something, he introduced me to everyone but her (until the very end of the night). I remember in the car on the way home i asked him harmless questions - i learned (from him) she’s 18, she just wants a husband, and she comes from money. I stayed silent until he went to work the next morning & found out he follows her on instagram. An 18 yr old sales associate he hired to work at his store? Mind you, this all happened either right in the beginning or before me - so i didn’t think he was doing this behind my back, but i did think it was weird. I brought up the fact that i was a little insecure and jealous over something that happened and that i didnt feel comfortable sharing what it was. He assured me he only wants me blah blah and we moved on! I never told him why.
Also, side note - in my frantic google searches, i found out she’s not 18 but 21/22 - which makes it less creepy for him, but even scarier for me.
Well at my birthday dinner last week, one of my friends decided to bring up the “18 yr old”. My bf laughed and said what? Thats why you were jealous that night??!! and then PROCEEDED TO SAY they just hired a 16 year old. Ah, amaze - now on my 26 birthday im being reminded of my fear and now another person i get to have anxiety about.
Anyway, i didnt make it a big deal and didnt even bring it up until this past Saturday. We were at a bar and this older guy (like 32) tried to hit on me. I make it known i have a bf and ask him to guess who’s older - to which he says i look older (like 29). Looking back, i can see how i gave the guy a perfect opportunity to rip on a girl that rejected him and showed him she has a bf. Either way, i freaked out internally, excused myself for the bathroom, and then tried to bolt out of the bar w out my bf seeing. He obviously saw, ran after me. I told him i didnt think i could be with him bc i look older, that maybe this wont work, etc.
I ALSO brought up (after sitting on it for TWO MONTHS) the “18 yr old” girl he’s following. He immediately said “okay ill unfollow her” and “i have to follow everyone i hire at the store” and even “it was never like that, but also when i followed her you and i weren’t really together”… that struck a cord. Why does he even have to preface that?
I woke up uncontrollably crying again. Over and over again. I even had to call my mom and she had to calm me down. My bf and i had a really surface level talk, he tells me he needs space for the day but that we’re not breaking up.
Anyway, now that ive had a day to process - the anxiety remains. He genuinely followed this girl when the other owners of the store didnt - only their wives. Im like, were they trying to set them up before he met me? It doesn’t make me feel any better that she’s 5 years younger than me.
Idk, my biggest insecurity is age, attraction, cheating. My dad had an affair w a 24 year old (he and my mom are still together). On top of that, everyone in my life who’s made their relationship work has a 3-4 year age difference. My parents, my sister, his parents.
Idk - in past relationships, when there was conflict, id just panic and breakup w them & then we’d get into this unhealthy cycle. With my current boyfriend we do definitely experience conflict, but we get through it and genuinely i’ve never thought of breaking up. This is the first time that ive actually asked after arguments “are we breaking up?”
Im scared. I think my hormones and anxiety and fear he’ll get w a younger woman are eating me alive. Also, even with hormones, why am i uncontrollably crying? It’s the best sex, he takes care of me, but i’m just on edge. Is my body telling me its not right?
And, can i bring up this girl again/have a convo about it? I want to be confident, and self-assured in our relationship, but idk. Why do i feel exhausted, and scared. I feel like it should just feel easy (though relationships have never felt easy to me).
ADVICE PLS!!! I just keep crying to my therapist.
TLDR: extreme relationship OCD with my (F26) new BF (M27) about him wanting younger women (specifically younger coworker)