u/Blackjohn91

I'm talking as someone who just recently discovered at 35yo that I've always had OCD.

As a child I was obsessed with checking water and diesel tanks, cisterns, car fuel levels, engine temp levels, room temp levels. Any deviation towards low or high gave me adrenaline and a reason to feel excited.

Later on I was obsessed with games like Lineage and Wow and would spend hours upon hours optimizing my characters till the game itself wouldn't allow me further improvement.

Without a problem to solve (take note of the word problem please) i would drop the game altogether. I didn't see my character as perfect (take note of the word perfect please) or something to be proud of, I just saw it as a project that no longer served a purpose.

I could no longer see the stats going up, stagnation happened, and so the dopamine disappeared. My character was only perfect so long as i could keep climbing towards perfection, but once I did, it no longer did it for me. No joy, no excitement, no reason to spring out of the bed in the morning with a goal in mind.

Later on working at shops, I realized I was obsessed with tidiness, specific arrangement that made for eye friendly and memory easier, checking doors and windows 10 times before leaving, even returning to work mid-night because i wasn't sure i had locked. I realized that was not regular anxiety. This wasn't for the first week at work, it was a debilitating habit I had for years with every workplace I'd been. OCD is real.

I could go on forever with such examples, but let's cut straight to ROCD.

First relationship I had (17) I was head over heels for my gf. I was constantly thinking of her. You could say I was even obsessing about her and constantly anticipated stumbling on her on the road to flirt. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Butterflies, anxiety, excitement, all of that.

Till things became real. First week in.

Once I had the validation I needed (note the word validation) I only started to notice her flaws. I didn't like her teeth, some hair she had growing here and there, I didn't like she was clingy, I didn't like she was not very intelligent and we couldn't communicate clearly. And yet, of the 100 flaws i could find on her, perhaps only one was legit reason to leave the relationship (her already being in another relationship).

I left and I didn't even realize that the flaws that had been turning me off on her was major Fearful Avoidant attachment style triggering ROCD. As soon as I started scanning her for flaws, my mind was like "keep searching, she's not perfect, she's not the one".

Fast forward ~20 years later, the only relationship I could truly appreciate was porn. And even porn felt inadequate at times. And then came AI porn prompts, and I started free falling even deeper into that rabbit hole. Ai porn fried my brain cells about real life expectations. It was only about lust and orgasms.

I would only be drawn to emotionally unavailable girls and fantasize about perfect versions of them (yes, insert limerence).

And then I met my first real relationship that I'm still in because I love the woman so much and know my shortcomings to repeat the mistakes of the past.

If you are in a loving relationship with a partner that you can both relax around and be your true self with, if there are no real red flags causing you distress, then it's time to turn inward and have a long talk with your (possibly traumatized) inner child. The problem with your partner?

NOT:

I don't like their chin.

NOT:

They walk in a weird manner.

NOT:

Their laugh doesn't feel right.

Those are not legitimate reasons to bail out. Those are traits that make each person special.

And the thing is, the more traumatized we are (insert insecure attachment), the more we believe in "the one", which is a fictional character we believe will come into our lives, fix every problem and woe, take rocd away so we can be forever happy and reassured.

NOPE.

Perfection doesn't exist. The perfect person that will make your ROCD go away doesn't exist. Fears and doubts come from your own insecurities. And as long as you are insecure (Fearful Avoidant/Anxious/Dismissive), you will always question your relationship about being imperfect and the possibility of someone better existing out there.

Someone better will always exist out there. That's not a question or doubt to torture yourself with. It's the truth. The real question is, when does "settling" end for you? Is it when you've climbed the relationship ladder all the way to the top? Is it when you've broken the heart of a 100 people you were compatible with but whose ears or nose hair was reason to leave?

TL;DR: Turn that fixation inward people. You will realize it's not about your partner but about you. What we see in others is but our own twisted mirror and a relationship only serves to amplify the way we perceive ourselves.

And a good question to linger on:

What are you REALLY afraid ROCD might be telling you?

That you don't love your flawed partner enough?...

...or that you might actually be capable of loving a flawed person, and that in turn might mean something far scarier.

That you are also capable of loving your own flawed self?

Whether that was emotional neglect from your parents, your emotional needs were not met during childhood.

Your caretakers were emotionally distant or absent instead of providing you emotional safety.

Your limerence is just your inner child stuck at that young age, ever waiting for that one locked door to open (your caretaker's attention/ emotional world).

It's not about your LO. It's about that one door that never opened in your childhood, that never validated your emotions.

The worst part? That door will never open. Not from your parents, not your LO, not anyone. That door only leads to more longing.

Speak to your inner child. Hold it by the hand, make it turn around and see the truth. Show to them that YOUR door is open, and that it leads to love, not more longing. Grieve that the locked door will remain locked, but rejoice that you don't have to be alone.

You deserve unconditional love for simply existing. Your adult self is the only parent your inner child will ever need. The only door you need, and it's unconditionally open.

35M

My mother and father fought and argued all the time. I remember yells and things breaking from a very young age. My mother said i was a violent child, thrashing at things inside the house and stores, throwing stones at passing cars, hurting animals, jumping from the first floor of the house to escape the house and lash out at animals, property, family and strangers. I remember a frenzy when escaping my house. Sometimes they'd put me in a cage.

I remember being afraid at night and not be able to sleep. I wanted to go to my parents' bed and sleep, but the door was either locked or i slept on the carpet beside their bed. My father says my mother used to beat me up with shoes whenever i broke something inside the house. My mother denies it, I don't remember it tbh.

Mom and dad split. Mom eventually got together with a partner much older than her. My father hated him and called him an old bastard. He eventually convinced my mother to elope while she was engaged to my step father. They threw me inside the back seat of a car full of clothes and curtains so we wouldn't be seen. They escaped the island and went to the city to live secretly for one year while my father was snuggling himself back to the island to make ends meet. I was 10. Children were all violent there, both verbally and physically. I remember myself being enthralled by this violence and taking part in it.

Parents eventually split for good and i stayed with my mother and step father. My mother valued public image a lot and felt vulnerable while single. She wanted to make me the best pupil at school so she and the world would be proud of her solo achievements. She even refused to accept money from my father to raise me. She wanted this achievement all for her own.

My mom's own parents never let her go to school so she was very insecure about it. But i felt like her tool for her self worth. I never felt completely loved. Not unless i had perfect grades. If not, i could tell she judged me with her eyes, like i had let her down, like i had failed. Studying, tests, grades, they were all about anxiety for me. I had to get perfect scores to earn my mother's approval. Anything else was failure. Love and perfection were one and the same.

My father on the other hand terrorized me for not persuading my mother to get back together. I was 10. He kept saying i had hair growing on my legs but not on my balls. Every time he'd come to pick me up i had heart palpitations and panic. I didn't want to go with him because i was afraid. But my mother said he was my father and i had to go with him twice a week. My father was either criticising me or showing me his new women so I'd tell my mother so she'd be jealous. I felt like a tool for both of them. Not loved, only used.

The worst part, age 5 to 10 my mother let me sleep in bed with her while single. I remember her playing with me in bed, pinching me with her toes, straddling me to make me docile etc. i felt both important and excited. I made it my life's work to be the best man for her with the chance i had been given. I'd be the best and make her proud.

Then my step father came and i never slept with my mother ever again. I felt like my mother had used me for her emotional needs and divorced me. I cursed her in my dreams and called her a whore. Sometimes the dreams were even sexual between us. Like there was some form of injustice that i was once again locked outside that room.

Around puberty i became a different human being, so different everyone commended it. Instead of lashing out, i shut down. I stopped being angry and violent, i stopped asking for attention. I was just anxious instead. Anger became internal anxiety for the sake of appearances. I focused on studying to make my mother proud so i could be loved.

I couldn't get in a relationship at school. Girls frightened me. I'd always turn down girls who were interested in me and run away. Friends? They all laughed behind my back for coming from a different village than them. Never truly belonged in a circle. I was joining, then learned they were making fun of me.

Social skills practically non extinct because my village had 2 kids i could play with. First kiss with a girl at 18, at first excited, but then one week in i panicked. Kissing her made me want to throw up, heart was skipping beats. I felt like i wanted to run away and I did.

Binge gaming to cope till 25, heavy porn afterwards.

From then on it all went downhill. I was only comfortable with girls that were either not romantically interested or unavailable. I just wanted to be friends with a girl, not necessarily romance. But after 3-4 years i started developing feelings. 3 years with one girl, the next 4 years with her friend. When i confessed it ended up in awkward rejection. I remember reaching a breaking point before confessing.

Panic attacks at university when i suddenly learnt i was facing deletion, panic at military, panic at career with a multinational company. 2 years in, i started having insomnia to the point i couldn't sleep for 4 days straight. I quit my job to heal because i felt unhappy. Medicated. I realized my life up to this point had been the choices of others', not mine. I was just people pleasing.

When panic attacks happened I always turned hypochondriac and self monitored all the time. The last girl i was friends with helped me with panic disorder, even though she was the one that caused the panic to begin with because i couldn't bring myself to confess to her. She was the argumentative type and we'd have great competitions. We both had anger and trust issues so we were like magnets. But she was paranoid and incompatible with me, so i moved on.

2 years later i met a girl who finally liked me. Panic attacks on every step, rocd, ruminating, day before and after first sex I couldn't eat at all (lost virginity at 35). My system had just shut down. I was pushing her away and then crying back to her. I hurt her a lot. Now we're still together and I'm doing therapy weekly. I think i have cptsd on top of being fearful avoidant.

Whenever i was being affectionate and intimate with my gf, i was having random intrusive images of my former friend and I'd begin doubting my relationship to the point i'd panic about having made a terrible mistake.

Till one night that I couldn't sleep i recounted my life, from scratch. There were about 15 girls in total in my life that showed interest to me. I'd become completely avoidant toward them, no feelings, no regrets. And about as much as many girls that confided to me they liked somebody else. I was infatuated with every one of them. Like something inside of me suddenly decided to stick around and make those girls see worth in me instead. Like something was translating their affection towards someone else as rejection towards me.

Like every time i was being given a chance to win my mother back.

Now every time i have an intrusive thought about my former friend while with my gf, i can easily see underneath. It's not limerence, it's not my former friend's face i thought i was in love with.

What had always been under was my own cracked mirror... And now i see the problem.

I wasn't sitting beside all these unavailable girls, I was sitting beside my inner child who was trying to talk to me.

I'm not afraid I've made a wrong choice by being with my gf and secretly wanting someone else. I'm simply afraid I may not be enough.

When you have distressing thoughts and your mind starts racing with doubts, remember, it's never about someone else like you may think. It's most likely about what's under that symbolic facade that your mind is screaming to be fixed.

35M

My mother and father fought and argued all the time. I remember yells and things breaking from a very young age. My mother said i was a violent child, thrashing at things inside the house and stores, throwing stones at passing cars, hurting animals, jumping from the first floor of the house to escape the house and lash out at animals, property, family and strangers. I remember a frenzy when escaping my house. Sometimes they'd put me in a cage.

I remember being afraid at night and not be able to sleep. I wanted to go to my parents' bed and sleep, but the door was either locked or i slept on the carpet beside their bed. My father says my mother used to beat me up with shoes whenever i broke something inside the house. My mother denies it, I don't remember it tbh.

Parents eventually split and i stayed with my mother. My mother valued public image a lot and felt vulnerable while single. She wanted to make me the best pupil at school so she and the world would be proud of her solo achievements. She even refused to accept money from my father to raise me. She wanted this achievement all for her own.

My mom's own parents never let her go to school so she was very insecure about it. But i felt like her tool for her self worth. I never felt completely loved. Not unless i had perfect grades. If not, i could tell she judged me with her eyes, like i had let her down, like i had failed. Studying, tests, grades, they were all about anxiety for me. I had to get perfect scores to earn my mother's approval. Anything else was failure. Love and perfection were one and the same.

My father on the other hand terrorized me for not persuading my mother to get back together. I was 10. He kept saying i had hair growing on my legs but not on my balls. Every time he'd come to pick me up i had heart palpitations and panic. I didn't want to go with him because i was afraid. But my mother said he was my father and i had to go with him twice a week. My father was either criticising me or showing me his new women so I'd tell my mother so she'd be jealous. I felt like a tool for both of them. Not loved, only used.

Around puberty i became a different human being, so different everyone commended it. Instead of lashing out, i shut down. I stopped being angry and violent, i stopped asking for attention. I was just anxious instead. Anger became internal anxiety for the sake of appearances. I focused on studying to make my mother proud so i could be loved.

I couldn't get in a relationship at school. Girls frightened me. I'd always turn down girls who were interested in me and run away. Friends? They all laughed behind my back for coming from a different village than them. Never truly belonged in a circle. I was joining, then learned they were making fun of me.

Social skills practically non extinct because my village had 2 kids i could play with. First kiss with a girl at 18, at first excited, but then one week in i panicked. Kissing her made me want to throw up, heart was skipping beats. I felt like i wanted to run away and I did.

Binge gaming to cope till 25, heavy porn afterwards.

From then on it all went downhill. I was only comfortable with girls that were either not romantically interested or unavailable. I just wanted to be friends with a girl, not necessarily romance. But after 3-4 years i started developing feelings. 3 years with one girl, the next 4 years with her friend. When i confessed it ended up in awkward rejection. I remember reaching a breaking point before confessing.

Panic attacks at university when i suddenly learnt i was facing deletion, panic at military, panic at career with a multinational company. 2 years in, i started having insomnia to the point i couldn't sleep for 4 days straight. I quit my job to heal because i felt unhappy. Medicated. I realized my life up to this point had been the choices of others', not mine. I was just people pleasing.

When panic attacks happened I always turned hypochondriac and self monitored all the time. The last girl i was friends with helped me with panic disorder, even though she was the one that caused the panic to begin with because i couldn't bring myself to confess to her. She was the argumentative type and we'd have great competitions. We both had anger and trust issues so we were like magnets. But she was paranoid and incompatible with me, so i moved on.

I understand that due to my low self esteem i was chasing ghosts because they weren't real but that really hurt me on the long term. As i realize my weakness, i realize i deserve love. Not chasing unavailable girls to earn their love and prove my worth.

2 years later i met a girl who finally liked me. Panic attacks on every step, rocd, ruminating, day before and after first sex I couldn't eat at all (lost virginity at 35). My system had just shut down. I was pushing her away and then crying back to her. I hurt her a lot. Now we're still together and I'm doing therapy weekly. I've been self diagnosed as a fearful avoidant.

However, i still feel the frustrated child inside of me. It's not lashing out physically, but mentally nowadays. How do I tell myself I'm safe?