r/Disorganized_Attach

So when I was 16-22 years old, before I started therapy, I was extremely avoidant in dating. I wouldn’t let anyone in and couldn’t “fall in love” with anyone really or at least I wouldn’t allow myself to.

Now that I’ve been in therapy for a few years, I’m finally ready to let someone in, I want love and to be vulnerable, I want to be able to be ‘soft’ with someone but I’m having such a difficult time.

Previously I would keep women at an arms distance. Only do casual sex/friends with benefits. I would make this very clear to the women I was seeing for both of our sakes as I didn’t want to outright hurt them or lead them on, however I knew that their feelings would grow for me in the background whether I wanted them to or not.

Eventually I would be asked the looming question of “What are we?” and at that point I knew what the situation had become and usually it would end there and then.

I now want to properly date, take women on nice dates and overall treat them ‘better’, but currently that combined with me rushing the pace a bit too much for what the situation has called for i.e. treating the situation like it’s a relationship before it is warranted, makes them run.

I know that you have to be somewhat vulnerable to gain a truly fulfilling and stable relationship, but when I was a bit more of a dickhead, I was rewarded for it. I know that I’ve messed up with the last 2-3 women I’ve dated as they could smell my ‘neediness’ and availability off of me from a mile away.

My attachment style is quite disorganised, so when I find a woman I could see myself being in a relationship with, I become more anxiously attached. I know that if I was more avoidant, like my past self, it probably would have gone much better, hence why I’m here.

I don’t fully want to revert to that level of detachment, but I really struggle not to see the value of it when I consistently push them away because of how much I want it.

I’m tired honestly, I probably need a break but I’m looking for advice from people who have gone through the same. Any advice would help.

I notice within my relationship—at certain times, not always— a sense that nothing can be enough for me. That no matter how much he gives me, it won't be enough.

I recognize that this feeling is about me, not him. I'm curious about it - where does it come from? Is it typical for insecurely attached people to feel this way?

I know i’m shit when it comes to relationships. I put my needs first, i know i choose people because i don’t feel their presence that important to me… I know i avoid and also try to keep you close enough you don’t forget about me. I know ill give you a few months of intensity but then i’ll start fumbling because i can’t keep that narrative long enough… i sold myself as something you will never have because im just not that.

I know ill have doubts about you even when I make everything seem alright… and i wont mind talking about it since i know every relationship of mine has an end date.

Loooooonng story time that I’ll try to make short:

My ex-girlfriend and I live together now after dating right around 2 years. A little longer. We moved in after only like 8ish months which involved me moving states to be with her. We started out in a weird way because her current boyfriend at the time tried to leave her for me, only for him to take it all back, her find out and then her and I became friends and started talking. We talked about a throuple and even attempted one with her current boyfriend who I just spoke of. Welllll that didn’t work, he left, and her and I pursued each other.

For myself I’ve always dated men. I am a trans woman and know I suffer from seeking validation from straight men as validation from my gender. So I go back and forth on whether or not that’s just my attraction or if I’m toxically chasing validation, or both? Lately my therapist tells me a lot “two things can be true” which doesn’t compute well in my brain but it’s starting to. During our time long distance I cheated on my girlfriend with an ex boyfriend. We also had other instances where she would break up with me and then I’d do toxic behaviors after such as sleep with an ex or talk to someone new, and then we’d get back together. We did this for months and then finally moved together hoping it would solve things. The meantime, I’ve felt the whole time maybe this just isn’t the right relationship for me because of her being a woman and not a man. But I truly have come to love her and we do have physical intimacy so it’s not like I’m not into her in THAT way. But not as much as I think I should be idk.

during the almost two years now living together we are basically still stuck in the cycle. I do have FA attachment issues and tend to push people away when they are too close but I also know it gets worse when in an incompatible relationship. I still will go back to toxic behaviors with men such as sexting or posting for attention during breakups and that causes her to feel unloved and then we get back together with the cycle again. And then I’ll grovel and prove I can be better and then doubt the relationship in some form, she’ll push for a breakup and then I do it all over again.

It seems the only time we truly can understand the other person or admit our faults is when we are on the way out too. I’ve planned a return back to my home state a few times now with a job and apartment worked out and called it off to stay and try and take accountability(something I apparently have zero understanding of) and work on the relationship and ourselves. In the long run, we end up just abusing each other again with mean names or actions or yelling or cursing. We cannot respect each other boundaries and her anxious attachment partnered with my fearful avoidant just feels like a lot to overcome while i also try to process my own trauma and growth(another story but i come from am extremely mentally and physically abusive background).

Is it time to walk away or am making a lifelong regretful mistake leaving behind someome who tries so hard to love me for the person she knows i can be if i dont give into my bad sides? Or is it okay to walk away from someome who offers things like that because other basic needs are not being met?

Advice appreciated

27F here. I’ve noticed a painful pattern in my life:
\- A man comes into my life unexpectedly.
\-There’s an intense, sudden connection/spark.
\-He talks about marriage and makes me believe there could be a future.
\-I emotionally open up and start believing in it.
\-Then, suddenly, he pulls away or leaves.
\-I’m left alone trying to understand what happened.

This has happened more than once and I genuinely don’t understand why I keep attracting this pattern.

Is it something I’m doing? Am I getting emotionally attached too quickly, or am I simply meeting people who aren’t actually ready for commitment?

Would really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

I have a strong suspicion that I am FA and this makes me very reluctant to trust my feelings.

I've been dating a man for a couple of weeks and broke it off as I don't feel it. I tried to take it slower than I'd usually do, we didn't get to sex, but once touching / kissing / holding hands started I kept noticing that I feel close to nothing.

This is very confusing because he matches most of what I need: he is smart, I loved talking to him, I felt comfortable around his energy, he was masculine and caring, wanted the same things, had a similar lifestyle, seemed responsible, excited about his career, and very into me, with no games. I also find him quite attractive but this physical aspect seemed to be not enough for me - which triggers my confusion about whether it's my true feelings and lack of desire or he is just calm, present, and normal, so I process it as nothingness.

Would appreciate any experience and advice from fellow FAs.

Please excuse my grammar, English isn't my native language.

I(m27) met someone new just a few months after a bad break-up. We only have seen each other a few times but we've been talking for almost 2 months already. Although I'm not expecting a romantic relationship with her, I can see how nice and amazing she(f28) is and I really enjoy being with her.

But during our last date (just a friendly date), she held my hand. I asked her why she did that and she just said that it's because she feels safe and comfortable being with me. At first, it was all okay with me because I feel the same way when I'm with her. But as the days went by, I became conscious of how deep our connection has become and I think it triggered something inside me. I just woke up one day feeling anxious and replying to her messages makes me panic. I feel like all the connections I had before is now gone, and it makes me wanna runaway from her but I know I shouldn't because it's unfair. My chest is always tight and I feel dizzy all the time.

I'm not actually sure what kind of attachment style I have, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way. I'm aware that if I don't manage this correctly, there's a high chance that I'll ruin everything between us. I'm tired of losing amazing people in my life just because I feel this way. Please help me.

Fellow FAs, over and over again in therapy from various therapists Ive heard this “sit with your feelings”, “where do you feel it in your body”, “name your feelings” etc. however, i dont think im doing it right ever.

Like i think about thinking about my feelings, there is a wall of sorts that just never breaks. Sometimes it is a little more raw, other times it is very clinical and detached. They simply can never feel it for me OR explain how to tap into it. One came close once when i was able to get to the root cause of the blocking i do for fear of it just overwhelming me to a point that i wouldnt survive the sheer horror of the emotions. So we started doing it with smaller things and instances and some progress is there. But when i really need to, the wall is just back.

Can you share if you ever had success with it? Even partial? Can you share steps you take to get there?

I start with deep breathing, then try to pinpoint what and where im feeling and right there is when it all goes to shit and hell. I will catch myself looking for distractions, reinstate the wall, or intellectualize to a point of exhaustion, or rumination of what if scenarios. So … what gives? Can anyone with our afflictions do it? If so please teach me!

I’ve spent most of my life with the shadow of being parentified, financially abused, not focusing on myself and being the person I want to be. I realised I need to let these things go after things ended with a guy I was seeing who was exactly what I wanted for long term but he said he wasn’t ready. That I kept him at arms length, I tend be avoidant nor do I voice or talk about the issues I have which isolates me more. Wrong timing. I was being avoidant. I thought it wouldn’t effect me but I’ve broken down in tears and realised I’ve let my whole life (29F) be dictated by keeping myself alone in my thoughts because I was taught I didn’t matter and to put other first but it also meant putting others beyond a intimate boundary where they wouldn’t see me vulnerable but especially when it comes to men I struggle to form friendships or trust masculine energy and I feel I need to heal that part.

I’m curious if any men here may share their perspective around loneliness and I guess what they would say to me in this situation? I feel perhaps that kind of energy is what I’d need now.

I think one of the hardest things for me is because I am so emotionally disconnected internally, I tend to attract emotionally helpless people. People that are essentially prisoners of their own feelings, they feel too much, struggle to regulate, struggle to communicate (feelings are complex), and overall are at the mercy of the internal intensity of their own emotions.

Yet, because I was parentified as a child, I am pulled towards these people like moth's to a flame. It's very easy to just fall into that role for these people. Yet the moment I express my own needs to these people, I am met with invalidation. I feel used by them, like my own existence for these people is to simply fulfill their needs. Then when it doesn't work out, they toss me aside as if I am nothing.

I am so tired of being there for people that don't deserve me, yet I struggle because I am so disconnected from my self most of the time. When I'm not, I just feel irritated by the thought of these people. They're so self-absorbed and blind to see who they are, or they do and make excuses for it. It's genuinely sickening.

I am just worn down, exhausted, and tired. I hate being this way and I hate attracting people like this too. Even when my instincts say "don't get close to this person" I just take that, toss it in the garbage, and then follow this feeling. Only to end of being tossed out like garbage by them.

The only thing I find in the trash is my instinct that I tossed aside. While that person merely replaces me with someone else like I was just some toy out of a toy bin, swapping one out for the other.

I'm glad I walk away from these people, but I do need to stop acting on that pull towards these people.

So today has been a really rough day with getting into an argument with my sister which resulted in me blocking her because she was yelling at me and blaming me for something i didnt do. Then i wanted to tell the guy i was dating about what happened then he just laughed at my problem and said when am i going to unblock her. I told him she does this to me often and im tired of it, but he still didnt take my problem seriously. We ended up having an argument about that which i decided to hang up and now i have the feeling of not wanting to be with him.

My question is, how can i stop the urge of constantly cutting off people when they have wronged me in some way? I love being alone, and so being alone feels peaceful rather than dealing with people but then i dont want to have no relationships in the future either. Any advice would be helpful.

Sometimes I get so depressed about the way that my brain works and how it's setting me up for failure. Which is so unfair because it's all a freaking coping mechanism built from trauma that I had no choice but to be a part of!! I have a very intense fear of closeness and more than that, of like being treated with kindness, love, and respect. It is revolting to me. Obviously I "want" to be treated well just like everyone else but, I have such a hard time accepting it.

In my relationships this seems to often look like feeling smitten and in love and then feeling this "falling out of love" feeling that comes in to protect me from hurt and then just those two over and over and over. In my friendships and other ties to people, it looks like literally not being able to be my authentic self around anyone I don't feel comfortable with creating this barrier barring closeness and intimacy with anyone. And a coldness on my end that cannot fully or meaningfully engage with compliments or bids for connection. Preventing me from having fulfilling and meaningful. All of this causing me to have interactions that further cement the idea that I'm unworthy of love and affection and friendship and that I am inherently bad and wrong. Which is the core wound.

How am I supposed to not feel incredibly depressed by this. And the fact that I have been in therapy for the past 2 years, making all of these connections and realizations only to still not be able to be a functional participant in my own life and get out of my own way is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I am TERRIFIED that I will always be like this. I have grown and made progress but, the road just feels still so long and treacherous and unclear. I hate living like this.

This is something I talked about with my therapist today about how I deal with abandonment.

My initial reaction towards it is indifference, the avoidant side of me gets triggered and I completely lack the care to maintain the connection, whether they’re there or not there doesn’t bother me. Be friends, not be friends, it’s whatever to me.

Then my anxious side bursts through that emotional wall of mine with gasoline and a lighter ready to burn shit down like no tomorrow. An intense strong feeling to completely cut the person off from every access point. By the time I am done, what once looked like a mess that could possibly be resolved now looks like a nuclear bomb went off and nothing will ever be fixable. I burn it all down, remove them, block them, never want to speak to them again. Internally I am just thinking to myself (Why the hell should I keep any connection with you, look at how you treated me, look at your inability to take accountability, why would I ever want you in my life? You’re not good for me, in fact, I am better off without you).

It feels good too. In those moments where you have control, and the self-regulating that your behavior does to sooth those intense feelings feels great. However, then maybe a few months pass, and you look back on the destruction you caused. Perhaps you regret it and you wish you had better self-control. But it’s too late and all you can do is carry that regret, grow from it and try to be better in the future.

What about y’all? Are y’all bridge burners or do you try to pull the person back in, or just go straight to indifference, stay in it for a while and then reach out with a lot of affection, promises of change, and missing the person?

I talked about this with my psychologist years ago, but we never got to the bottom of it, so I'm curious to hear your experience with this.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been an emotionally avoidant person, despite my desire to get close to people, especially romantically. It works like this, I get infatuated and we talk until the other person shows that they are romantically interested in me, from that moment on I become detached and I no longer feel anything, except annoyance. It's something that eats away at me inside because I don't feel connected to others and I feel a deep inner loneliness.Have any of you experienced this? Is it fixable?

I have FA attachment, my partner is mostly secure with DA features. We both have cptsd from childhood. While I don't like comparing traumas as "better" or "worse", my childhood obviously affected my attachment system much more strongly. That's where a lot of our disconnect has come from, because my partner can empathise to an extent since some things are similar, but mine goes way deeper than my partner can fully understand.

So, my partner has a more stable baseline than I do and can more easily bounce back. But they have a much lower emotional quota than me. I have done years and years of various types of therapy and processing my trauma and attachment. I am very self aware, almost to a fault. I over analyse everything. I have made tremendous strides with my own self regulation but I still don't know how to function in a relationship with another human being. My partner has extensive experience with long term relationships, although none of their relationships sound 100% healthy, my partner clearly has the capacity to stay for years even when things are clearly not working anymore.

I... Don't know if I have the same ability. The longest relationship I had was 2 years. And I felt like this ex didn't know anything about me. The relationship stayed afloat via me dissociating and not letting myself be vulnerable until they got tired of it. That was the only time I've been dumped. Every other relationship I've had, I left them first. Including my ex who for years I fixated on as "the one that got away" even though I was the one who broke up with them during a time we were both very much in love, blindsiding them, just because I was scared of the possibility of us breaking up in the future. But most of my romantic interests don't even get to the point of becoming an official relationship before I sense future pain and leave before I get a chance to experience that change.

I don't believe in love at first sight. But I think I halfway fell in love with my partner on the day we met. There was a magnetic pull I've never felt so strongly towards anyone. And I had done extensive healing on my own, I finally felt ready to confront my attachment issues and try giving a relationship my genuine best shot even if it doesn't work out in the end. There was a bit of chasing and instability in the beginning. But once our relationship became official I think it settled into something really beautiful. And healthier than any attachment I've ever experienced in my life. Although...that's quite a low bar.

We've been officially dating for 4 months. When things are good, they are really good, and I can easily imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person. Even knowing there are things we'll have to compromise on. I'm willing to do it because I value this relationship so much.

But we do have repeated issues on both sides about emotional transparency. This is one of my most important values in a partnership. I withhold and bottle up feelings, my partner outright lies when scared, though tells me later. But it creates trust issues. Every time they've confessed they lied about something, I had already sensed dishonesty before they told me. Every time I've gotten this "sense" they've confessed. So I don't think there's anything significant they're lying about that they haven't told me yet, but I obviously can't be assured. And it just opens up a whole rabbit hole of "if they lied about this, what else are they lying about? Can I truly trust *anything* they say?" And if it gets to that point, then the relationship is surely doomed. And some of these lies have been about boundary issues with other relationships.

I have trouble telling them my feelings and making myself vulnerable because they can use it to hurt me. I've been trying so hard to open up, even to the point of dysregulating myself to try to coregulate with my partner. It mostly works. But sometimes they are not emotionally available enough for me when I need them. Which is why I adapted to self regulating in the first place. I know I don't *need* this from a partner. I know I'm okay handling my emotions on my own. But they tell me that I need to be more open and vulnerable with them, or else they don't feel connected to me. But the issue is, sometimes when I try, they don't receive it well. And it makes me close myself off and deactivate my attachment. My deactivation has happened 3 times in our 4 month relationship. Each time, I have been triggered by something insensitive my partner did or said and my emotions just go completely offline, for about 2-3 days. I do not have access to the feelings of love or attachment. I have a strong desire to breakup, which I conceal from my partner, because I know that a breakup isn't necessarily what my true self would want if my feelings were still activated. But it's like going through the motions. They can sense something is off about me, but they don't know how off. And the entire time I feel like I'm going through the motions, waiting for my feelings to come back. They eventually do. In any other relationship, if I felt this, I would have gone for the breakup immediately.

This is something I want to fight for. I don't know if it's sustainable. I don't know if we can work through these issues, particularly trust issues. I think we're both too avoidant. My partner doesn't know what to do with me, because all of their exes have been AP. And despite the fact that I do have anxious traits my avoidance is the biggest threat to our relationship, especially since I can so easily go offline and stop caring. My partner wants to know a way to reach me when this happens but I truthfully don't know what fixes it. My partner also has very strong insecurities and a fear of rejection. So me being deactivated triggers them, and they start withdrawing too. And it just turns into a vicious cycle. Every time this has happened, my partner has been the one to try to break it by reaching out. But it's not sustainable. I keep thinking, a relationship shouldn't require this much pain and effort. But I think that's short sighted thinking. I've never allowed myself to be this intimate and emotionally vulnerable with anyone before. I know we both have some major personal baggage we are working through along side our interpersonal relationship issues. And despite knowing each other for only a short amount of time, I see us both making progress on both an individual level and a relational level. And like I said, when things are good, they're *really* good. I can't believe my life sometimes, that I found someone who can bring me so much love, joy, wonder, hope, and stability.

But it all comes crashing down when there's conflict. I don't have access to those positive feelings anymore. They're completely inaccessible to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I love them and I want this relationship to work. I'm afraid of making any relationship altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind. But I'm also exhausted with this cycle and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with it. I don't understand those couples that go on constantly fighting for years and years. I've never had a full on "fight" with my partner. Just harsh remarks and dead silence. And that's enough to make me want to exit my body.

I keep thinking I need to give it time to see if we can work out the kinks. That I need to be patient. But it's so hard to keep sight of the future when in the moment my attachment wounds are screaming at me to protect myself at all costs. And I keep thinking, are the cracks already showing? If we break up, I feel like it's going to be because of one of the issues that's already been identified. And I'm going to feel foolish for proceeding with the relationship when I should have known better. I feel like I need to save us both from future heartbreak by ending things calmly now before we get in too deep and make it harder to separate. But I know this is just fear talking. Because I love them so much. The urge to break up isn't because I don't want to be with them anymore. It's because I'm afraid there will inevitably be a breaking point and I'd rather deal with it sooner rather than later so I can get over it more quickly.

I don't know how long to give this relationship a chance. Like in terms of time frame (wait 6+ months to see if there's progress?) or when to tell if something is truly a final nail in the coffin or if it actually can be worked out. And I'm also scared that I'm forcing myself to stay in an incompatible relationship because I'm internally dismissing all my relationship concerns as "me just being avoidant again."

I don't know. It hurts and I'm scared. Because I've never allowed myself to love someone this deeply. The core fear underneath it all is that I don't want to lose them. How ironic?

I’ve always had this issue which is when I like a woman It’s like my body relies on her for a source of dopamine. A text will instantly bring dopamine in my mind but if she doesn’t text or talk to me for a few hours I feel a little down mentally and feel it in my stomach ish. I have to literally distract myself from the feeling so I don’t think about the person. The only time this doesn’t happen is when I’m talking to multiple women. Is there a name for this or any way to fix this?

My bf just said some mean things to me and didn't buy me flowers for our anniversary because were going on a holiday next month and he wants to save his money. I didn't hear from him all day yesterday until late at night, i was already asleep because i had too work. Am i tripping if i say that he didn't seem to respect my time at all? With trauma it's hard to see what's happening and what is imagined. I just don't feel appreciated and loved lately. I now feel nothing towards him i just don't care. Is this what deactivation feels like? Is it permanent? I think i'm doing this as a way to protect myself

I am an avoidant(20) she's anxious (19) i can't understand why am i like this. I have a girlfriend (ex) we've known each other for more than 3 years and we've been officially girlfriends just last year. Yes, it took awhile before we became official. I was so happy when im with her like genuinely happy, i never been so happy in my entire life, i hate hugs but i love hugging her, i hate kisses but i love kissing her, i hate being vulnerable but im so comfortable when im with her.

We became LDR because i move 3 hours away so, it's hard adjusting but at first it was okay, we are still the same happy as ever. She courted me for 8 months and i said yes last year (july). I moved april. And then the toxic household started again, everything feels heavy typical avoidant i always isolate myself, but i don't just dissapear i always tell her "baby, i need some time off, im not leaving i just need time" i always comback a few hours later. I always know that she's overthinking, she's overthinking that why am i not trusting her, but i always make sure that i explain it to her that sometimes my emotions are overwhelming and i might came out a irritable. But at first it's just few time a month btut this year became worst. Every feels so overwhelming, everything is overwhelming the feeling I've been keeping is coming out. So started to distance myself more often. But, march after being cold to her i distance myself again, when i came back 3 days after i broke up with her. Not because i don't love her but because the pain Im causing her because of my problem is unbearable. I can't watch her bbeing hurt because oof ouur problem. I drive her away, I've said bad things to her because i did something i didn't want to do, i broke up with her. The moment I've said those words to her i aalready regretted it. I love her with all my heart.

We had no contact for 3 months and i reach out last july because i want to make it up to her and i want to court her again. Yes, i look stupid. But last april she went to our house to get her things, i made a promise to her that i will be back i just need time to handle everything. She said she will wait. Then again, I've said bad things to her last may or june we fought again. Im not angry im just overwhelmed. After those fight i apologize sincerely. And no contact again. When i reach out last july she's already moving on, she's focusing on herself, i didn't know that cuz i know i made i promise to her and she also made a promise that she will wait. I'm happy that she found herself. But, she's so dissapointed because of how i treated her. I started reaching out, apologizing, explaining. But, she don't want me anymore. I know this is all my fault, I've broken the heart of the person i love. When, we had no contact im not really affected by it because i was distracting myself so much and i didn't use social medias,, i just isolate the whole time. Know she told me how broken she was that time and it made me dissapointed at myself even more. I hate myself so much. I should've not entered relationship. I always i wonder if i could only be normal maybe we are still together, we are still be happy. I can't move on, if i move on i only hate myself more.

I need to understand why am i sabotaging everything i love. Im an agnostic but im so desperate to feel love i prayed to god give me someone who will love me, care for me, and will understand me, but when she came i only did was hurt her. I can't live like this, i can't forgive myself. I already have plan to marry her i even looked for an engagement ring. But im the reason why it's not going to happen, i can't see myself being with other people.

FAs come a close second.

I can't deal with anxious and with secure it might start off ok but I deactivate.

DAs are the only ones I yearn for

Why do some people get emotionally attached so quickly? And is it possible to change your attachment style?