i remember my mom being always scary and unpredictable. She was either most loving or scariest thing in the world. Very unpredictable, no physical or sexual violence though. Just bunch of screaming and threats and calling names.
I’ve noticed a big change in myself. I used to get deeply attached, overthink everything, and feel desperate to fix connections or keep people from leaving.
Now, I can care about someone and still accept that they’re no longer part of my life. I may still think about them, check their socials, or wonder if they’ll come back—but I no longer feel the urge to reach out, seek closure, or chase them.
I’m curious whether this is emotional healing, developing a more secure attachment style, or simply outgrowing my old patterns.
Has anyone else experienced this while healing anxious attachment?
I'm fa but I'm confused about something I've seen a lot in avoidant threads or even online. A lot of people express that avoidants use love bombing in the early stages. I've been confused by this for awhile as I personally don't love bomb as I have too much fear and doubts if I even like the person I'm getting to know (it takes me ages to know if I like someone).
All of the fas and the several das I've met also never love bombed. There was only one time I was love bombed and it was by a narcissist. I'm confused by this concept as all of the experiences and people I've known don't typically love bomb. I only express interest and my feelings after I've had time to get to know someone and it's the same for everyone I've dealt with.
Das in particular seem to take ages to even express their feelings so I'm confused as to why love bombing is associated with avoidant attachers. If anything, I've been on the receiving end of this with anxious attachers who seem to go into limerance. I feel like a lot of people are confusing a lot of narc traits with avoidants as I know they can have crossovers in how they behave even if their intentions are diff.
Do any of you guys love bomb or have you been on the receiving end of love bombing from avoidants?
I was seeing this guy for three months. The begging was amazing because I didn't give a fuck about him. Everything changed about a month into the relationship when I started feeling something and he did to. We had very good connection, very similar interests, similar views on life and future, etc. Overall, a very good match. On top of that, I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. I've only been in love once before with my highschool boyfriend and I'm F32.
Anyway, I really liked him, and that's when the problems started. Looking back I never felt so triggered with any of the guys I've been before. I think it's because I really liked him and wanted this to work out. Also he's been in therapy for the past two years and is very self aware, self reflective, etc. While I liked this, it also created an insecurity that I'm not good enough (for him) because we're not on the same level on emotional intelligence.
He understood I'm FA, I would sometimes get into my head, got quiet and distant. I would spiral over how I'm not good enough for him, how he'll see I'm not the person he thought I was and leave. He knew that I'm working on it and said that we're a team, we just need to find a way of communication that works for both of us, how he wants to support me in my process, he said that the "bad" parts (that's how I called them) are also a part of me and he wanted to know them too because that's knowing the real me, and so on. I genuinely felt good and seen with him and though that I could heal my FA in this relationship (while working on it with my therapist). He seemed like he has the capacity to be here for me and support me.
Things got really messy last weekend when we went on a 4-day trip together. I honestly thought I would handle it, but I couldn't. It was too soon and too long.
I sabotaged the trip from the beginning and tested him with the worst version of myself to see if he would really stick around. He didn't.
The trip was just too painful for both of us, to the point that he thought I wanted to break up with him but didn't know how to do it so I tortured both of us. I didn't communicate what was happening to me (I barely understood it because almost everything was a trigger), how I felt, what I needed, etc. I was just quiet and distant trying to understand wtf is happening. I was also dismissive and mean to him and he just wanted to understand and help me.
We managed to have one nice day, and the other three were a shitshow.
We meet a few days after to talk about it. I genuinely though that he would suggest to take some time off to process everything and then get back together as he's the one who kept saying that he really likes me, sees the future with me and wants to be there for me and support me. Instead, he basically told me that the weekend was too much for him and he didn't like the way he felt and how he handle things (some things were bothering him and he didn't express it).
A few days later I wrote him a message explaing everything I was going through in detail so we both get some clarity and explanation. I was expecting to get a warmer answer from him and maybe that he would want to on this. However, his answer was cold and dismissive. Enough to understand he definitely doesn't want to get back together.
Now besides feeling sad, I also feel angry, betrayed, deceived and lied to. I can't wrap my head around his decision to end things when he really liked me, saw the future together, and wanted this to work (his words).
Now I'm second guessing everything he ever said to me and I think that maybe he liked the idea of me and when he saw the real version he realized it's not what he thought. I understand that the weekend was too much but just quit like this? It doesn't make any sense. I think that if he really liked me and wanted this to work out he would find a way that works for him and for me.
I don't really know what with this post. Maybe vent, maybe some comforting words, advice. I don't know.
I am strongly disorganised attached. When we met, I perceived him as a secure wanting a relationship. I deactivated multiple times but after years of working on my self, I worked through it and stayed. I usually deactivate in the beginning and when I feel safe through his consistent, non-pushy approach, I get through it. After that I unlocked a whole new level I hadn't reached before - actually being attached and navigating through the fear of him potentially distancing and hurting me. I put walls and have hard time showing my emotions and being actively engaged. I do subconsious tests like pulling away a bit to see whether he chases and being undeliberately vague about how I feel about him. Him on his side, he was extremely interested and engaged in the beginning - texting all the time, calling multiple times a day, wanting to spend time and nights together, making plans for the future, all the work.
After one of these "tests" I do, I felt some off energy. I found him on tinder shortly after. I discussed it calmly with him wanting to know where I stand, he said he liked me, he wasn't actively using Tinder and and he is just "going with the flow", attached slowly and let's see where things go. He said if that didn't feel secure enough for me, I could leave. I didn't give him a deffinite answer.
He went away traveling for a week - we kept in touch but I deffinetely pulled my energy since I didn't feel safe anymore and subconsiously wanted a prove that he actually wanted me. It only got worse, he grew more distant. When he came back, we met and he wanted to talk. He said we were better off as friends as the energy wasn't romantic. My deffences came fully online and I just accepted it with "okay, if that's how you feel" with a smile. He was puzzled... "is that all you are going to say?". I said yes. He said we could be friends, I said "I have enough friends". He asked me "are you not going to at least ask why?". I said I heard his explanation and don't need more of it. He was completely shocked by my reaction. He hugged me, I said goodbye and was about to leave the car when he said "I didn't feel anything from this hug - like I am now a stranger to you, like you are disgused by me now". I said, it wasn't true. He asked "what then?". I decided fuck it.. and stayed and explained how my entire system worked, my attachment, my deactivation, the walls, the tests, everything. He was shocked how alike we are. He explained how he was just unsure whether he could see himself in a relationship and was scared to hurt me further down the line but even when he is saying he wants to be friends, he is not sure he wants it to be just that. That he is confused. He is not much aware of his attachment style but recognises himself strongly in it. We talked for hours, for the first time I was genuine and honest and felt more connected than ever.
The next day, I had the urge to text him and I tried to fight it for the sole purpose of "I am not going to text so that I can see whether he texts first". I realised what I am doing and I shot the message. I told him I like him and would be sad to let him go. He responded, we made some jokes and haven't stopped texting for two days now. I want to keep him, I feel like he waa deactivating but I am trying to figure out how to make him feel safe so he comes around eventually...
What do I do? How do I handle it?
Hey, I've recently met someone through a dating app whom I feel is secure. Liked his profile quite a lot, even if I was not 100% sure about his looks (sometimes with pictures you feel like you have a fair vision of what the person is actually gonna look like, sometimes a bit less).
We had a nice start of a conversation and he suggested meeting quite fast (I was starting considering it anyway cause I can't be bothered talking on dating apps for weeks). We had a quick coffee (he chose a cute place and paid, showed active interest throughout the date). I had a good time, though I felt it was maybe a little formal/serious to my liking (I use banters a lot to connect/flirt and that was virtually absent). On my way back I found myself flaw picking a little (his looks, clothing). A few hours after he sent a text to set another date, which I agreed too but didn't confirm a timing as it was a busy week.
We texted little during the week (I don't wanna create false intimacy then 180 I really dread the thought of that), but I tried to send at least a little update everyday. I felt quite uneasy about it all and appreciated a great deal that he didn't try and speed up the texting or ask again about the next date and all.
End of the week I texted him a bit last min when I finally was free for dinner, he booked a place. I went really stressed and in my head (even if I'm doing much better at getting out of my head and in the moment during the actual date) and I ended up having a lovely time. I think we match on a lot of things, we have good conversation, it felt a little more relaxed/a bit more fun. I was also reassured about his looks (it got probably worse in my head 🗣️ n betWeen 2 dates). He's smart and he seems genuinely caring.
At this point I'm def curious about seeing him a third time (maybe during a shared activity to see if it brings a little more complicity and fun). I just really don't know if I can get myself to connect on a more physical level. I feel very icked out when I think about it. I do think this is avoidance as there is basically no mystery about his level or interest, nor any sense of urgency. It feels flat but I don't think it actually is.
I'm honestly a bit confused (I've always been when dating secure people, which he seems to be). I'm afraid I like him enough to develop attraction but not enough to sustain it. I know people get over romantic disappointment if it were to happen (I'm a good communicator, and I won't love bomb or future fake or anything) but still I feel like I'm freaking out about it all. Any advice? I don't wanna mess him up or have to endure a complicated breakup myself in a few weeks ugh
I haven't figured out how it works for me but there are ways... also, my boyfriend (FA) is currently deactivated and not sure how to approach it since he hasn't done enough inner work to be able to articulate it himself.