r/Disorganized_Attach

As an anxious attacher I have been in relationships with so many avoidants and narcissists I can’t even imagine anything more than this.. or if it’s even possible. My bf now I am deeply in love but I fear I may have to end the relationship as he’s not meeting my needs but somehow I can’t even imagine anything better, is this normal. I can’t imagine falling in love again if I gotta go. I’m also so exhausted by relationships I’m also put of them.

Is anything better even possible or are men naturally emotionally detached . I don’t know anymore.

Hi guys, my first time posting, sorry for the new account, my friends and ex know my main user. Also, I’m on mobile if it matters. Oh, and english isn’t my native language. Sorry, this will be long but you can skip to the problem and/or the question.

I’ve very recently started to pay attention to my attachment style and the problems it has brought. So, feel free to teach me and help me. I’m looking for a therapist but I feel like I can’t wait anymore.

For info: I am F25, he is M24. I had a great relationship with him that started 5 years ago and lasted for 2 years. He was my safe person, he was a perfect partner. But I broke it off, because I had this strong feeling that I’m holding him back and things wont work out in the long run. Also, I have ADHD so I’m very impulsive at times.

At first I avoided thinking about it, focused on myself and my friends. We have been in irregular contact for these 3 years that we’ve been broken up, asking each other for help with things, chatting about our lives etc.. I’ve done some quite shitty things that affected him, in some sick way I just wanted to see if my actions still matter to him.

To the problem:
My ex (M24) got into a new relationship, a serious one. They have been together for about a year and they live together. I didn’t really care, until I saw him and his new gf passing by. After that, I have been feeling like I’m insane, and I have a strong urge to do something dumb. That’s why I’m writing here, to not do anything stupid that would hurt me or others.

I’ve had this really strong urge to reach out to him, and I actually spoke with him for 2 hours on the phone one night, I cried the whole time and told him about these ”revelations” I’ve had about myself.

The problem is, it seems like he doesn’t even care anymore and it makes me crazy. At the same time, he told me on the phone that his gf knows about me and our history, and she knows that we’re in contact and is fine with it.
The worst part is: Since we broke up, he’s said that I always have a special place in his heart and mind, and he said it again on the phone.

I still have this urge to reach out to him. I would like to speak to him like we did before, get a chance to hug him. After I found out about his relationship, it suddenly feels like he’s out of reach and I hate it. I miss my safe person, but I know it’s morally wrong and I should stay away. I can’t block him entirely, and I’m not sure if avoiding him would be helpful to me in the long run. It feels like I’m going through the breakup now, 3 years after it happened.

The question for you:
What do I do? How do I stop myself from reaching out to him? Is blocking him good or bad for me?
I’ve tried writing the message without sending it, but it doesn’t help, I still feel the urge to send it to him. He’s the only person I ever opened up to, so he is very special to me and I feel like I’ve lost him completely and it sucks.

How do I move on?

Guys I’m genuinely confused whether I was the avoidant or my ex in my last relationship. What even is an avoidant ? How do I know if I’m avoidant or if I just like to have a healthy amount of space ? People are saying my ex was controlling and just awful so now I’m confused because he told me I’m avoidant and I can be a bit self-focused but I don’t neglect my partner’s feelings. He was neglecting my feelings and avoiding hard conversations whereas when I’m avoidant I’m genuinely busy with work/studies and too exhausted to make time for another human being. Or sometimes I get avoidant because I’m worried if I rely on him too much and he leaves me I’ll get hurt and I feel like I need to keep some independence or I’ll get very hurt.

I’m confused if I was avoidant or he was ?

I'd like to better understand the perspective of people with fearful-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment.

I'm curious about a specific experience. If you genuinely care about someone, think about them often, and even want to reach out, can you still avoid initiating contact?

If so, what usually leads to that? Does the desire to reach out remain while you're avoiding doing so? What is that experience like internally for you?

I'd really like to understand how this is experienced from your perspective. Thank you to anyone who's willing to share.

I just realized the worst thing ever. I fear being abandoned or rejected. It did not click for me before, but my behavior leads to eventually people abandoning me or hurting me because of my fear.

I expect people to hurt me or abandon me right in the beginning, I act in ways to avoid that pain which leads to people getting hurt and abandoning me, and which refuels my belief that everyone will hurt me or abandon me.

Like in my past situationship, she was an avoidant, so I’d avoid her too, I’d also not text her for hours. But when I succumb to my urge to text her, she would just text back immediately and has no idea that I was anxious and hurting.

Throughout my relationship with her, I’ve always managed to be dense, unaware that I was hurting her, and always seem to be upsetting her and I don’t even know why. I’d be inconsistent with good morning good night texts, cuz I thought she didn’t care about them. I planned to go to a place with her, but went with my friend instead cuz I thought she wouldn’t care. And I brushed her off when she tried to open up to me that she doesn’t know her purpose in life anymore. (a big deal for an avoidant)

Last thing that I did that tipped her off was when she said “idk if we are ready for an official label”, and I panicked and I told her “if you dont want anything me, then i’ll back off” she got mad at me thinking how its so easy for me to say that. Then she just shut off and ended things. Convinced that things would be hard for the both of us. We did end on good terms though.

It’s so hard to change the cycle when they do give up on you which tells you that you’re right, that they will abandon you eventually. How do I stop this? It hurts. I feel so guilty for acting like that, but I feel so deeply abandoned.

My girlfriend broke up with me last month. She told me at the beginning that she's FA and she really wants to heal from it. Turns out the relationship was just too much anxiety for her to handle right now, so she told me it wasn't my fault, she just needs to be by herself in order to start therapy and work on this. I still care for her very much, I saw her (and honestly still do if she heals) as someone I could have built a future with. I know the most important thing for me to do now is to give her time and space to heal, so that's what I plan to do. She also said she didn't want this to strain our friendship, so I at least know she doesn't want me completely out of her life. I'm still healing and know that I can't expect her to come back, but I'd definitely be open to that possibility.

I guess my question is how long did it take you to want to start dating again? Not necessarily being fully healed but at least comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable I guess.

I was dumped about six weeks ago. It’s been challenging, but I’m okay. I’m completely NC. My choice.

During our relationship, I did a lot of work to heal. We broke up anyway (usual DA stuff, but I’m guilty too).

I may start dating again.

My plan is to really focus on grounding myself when I might otherwise panic and pull away.

I’m open to advice and suggestions.

Hey everyone, quick question. What are the best ways to detach from people getting close to you or from ever wanting a relationship? I’m tired of getting hurt and it seems like a waste of time.

I’ve taken several online attachment style tests, and I usually score as either anxious or disorganized, depending on the test. I’m not sure which one fits me better.

From what I can tell about myself, I generally want closeness consistently and and also fear abandonment.
I overthink a lot and also have anxiety during social situations.

Never been in a romantic relationship and I struggle to maintain long term friendships. I have a bad habit of self sabotaging and also ghosting friends.

Recently learned about attachment styles, so I’m trying to understand myself better and become more secure.

Hi. I’m 34f and I need to stop dating for a while.

Context: I had been dating this person for not a long time. And I noticed that my panic attacks became more frequent because I wanted us to talk more. Their life became a little bit much, and I understood that. The thing is, when they go through a lot they tend to not communicate. They was a time they were dating someone else as well. I was okay with it because we had just met. But they kept fighting about me, and so they said they let me go just for the sake of peace. And I felt really abandoned because they didn’t tell me this until a week before my surgery. We’ve already talked about them doing that and that it makes me upset. They said they heard me and they would adjust.

It’s not just the lack of communication. I’ve noticed that when I flirt, they don’t flirt back anymore. And one time I was having really bad panic attack and we talked about it, they said “my best friend has bpd. But you are something else.” And that really broke me because it made me feel like I was really making their life miserable. We ended the conversation and I felt like my gut was sinking.

We agreed to meet tuesday. I did not hear from them sunday. So I text them monday saying I hope they have a good day. No reply. Tuesday came and I heard nothing from them.

Wednesday, I had a dream about them right before I woke up. And needless to say, the panic was overwhelming. The dream was rather uneventful, but they were there. And I couldn’t handle it anymore, I decided to block them. I felt guilty because I thought that was uncalled for. But I already knew it wasn’t going to work out. The guilt sometimes gets me, like right now, and I want to reach out again. But I have felt like I’m the only one planning our dates and reaching out. Also, we’ve already talked about this same issue many times before, I did not and do not feel like I have to keep explaining myself, but also I don’t want to be the A-hole.

I’m tempted to download a dating app again and start dating. It’s a problem because I had just had surgery on my neck. My finances are shit, but I am on the path of financially recovering. I can’t drive as of yet. I know in my head I am in no position to date. Last year I got into a relationship that was toxic if not abusive. This coming fall I will go back to school. Meanwhile, I’ve joined support groups and I go every morning. Needless to say, I have a lot going on.

But there’s still this deep longing to have romance and intimacy in my life and it takes over me sometimes. How do you guys deal with it?

She was 7 months distant from me and my enemy(which I thought it was my friend, it is a woman and she thinks I don't deserve my FA) showed her some screenshots and she called me pathetic and both of them mocked me and laught at me because of my feelings for her and the suffering I was having for the lack of her. Did she really meant this cruelty or is it defensive? because she created distance from me.

She is married and she was afraid that I was showed conversations of us and talking about us to other people (she needs her husband and she doesn't want anyone to find out she cheated on her husband with me)

The Problem is that when we were togheter, she was the opposite: extremely cute and kind towards me, she flirted with me a lot and vice-versa, she seemed to care about my mental health and etc....

I don't know if she lost all the attraction and feelings for me and now thinks I am a loser, of if she still feels but her self-defensive aggresive mechanism was activated.

Please, FA's (specially women) help me to understand that

I (22M) recently lost someone I genuinely thought I was going to spend my future with, and I’m struggling to accept that it’s over.
We were never officially together, but we talked every day for months. We built routines, went on dates, slept beside each other, shared our lives, met each other’s friends, and emotionally, we treated each other like we were already in a relationship.
The problem was me.
I’ve realized that I have avoidant tendencies. When things started becoming more serious, I pulled away because I was scared of commitment, scared of losing myself, and scared that I’d eventually hurt her. Instead of communicating those fears, I ended things, convincing myself it was for her own good because I was emotionally unstable.
I regretted it almost immediately.
I tried reaching out later after months of reflecting, starting therapy, and finally understanding what she had been trying to tell me all along. She wasn’t asking for expensive gifts or grand gestures. She wanted certainty. She wanted to feel chosen. She wanted to know where she stood in my life.
She told me something that completely broke me:
“Every single day, all I did was hope that maybe, one day, you would finally choose me.”
Another thing she said was:
“It was never a one-time decision. It was a decision built from so many piled-up reasons.”
She also told me that when she was hurting, she stayed silent and kept hoping things would change, but by the time I wanted to fix everything, she had nothing left to give.
Reading her messages made me realize that while I genuinely loved her, I failed to make her feel secure in that love. I kept thinking my feelings were enough, but I now understand that love isn’t just about what you feel—it’s about what the other person experiences.
I apologized, told her I wanted one more chance, and that I finally knew I wanted a future with her. She read everything and thanked me for sharing my feelings, but she also made it clear that her decision hasn’t changed because she’s choosing what’s best for herself.
To make things harder, I suspect she may already be seeing someone else. I asked her directly, but she didn’t respond. I don’t know if that’s true, but the uncertainty is eating me alive.
I’m already looking for a therapist because I don’t want to repeat these patterns in future relationships. I genuinely want to become a better partner, whether that’s for someone else someday or simply because it’s the person I want to be.
Right now, though, I’m grieving not just the relationship, but the future I imagined with her. I feel like I realized everything too late.
For people who’ve been on either side of something like this:
How did you move on from the regret of knowing you lost someone because of your own actions? And if you’ve ever been in her position, was there ever a point where it was simply too late, no matter how sincere the other person’s growth was?
I’m not looking for false hope. I just want honest perspectives.

I have been dating someone for about 4 months (we’re both M, 30). Overall, things have been going well. We see each other often, sleep over at each other’s places, text every day, he’s affectionate, shares his work and his day with me, and generally makes me feel included in his life.

The problem is that I recently realized (with my therapist) that I have pretty strong anxious attachment.

My mind is constantly looking for signs that something is about to go wrong. If he takes longer to reply, I wonder if he’s losing interest. If he decides to stay home and rest, I wonder if he doesn’t want to see me.

Another thing that gets to me is that he occasionally talks about an ex-boyfriend, and I believe they’re still friends. He doesn’t bring him up obsessively, but whenever he comes up, I catch myself wanting to be “better than the ex,” which I know isn’t a healthy mindset. I also talk about past relationships sometimes.

My therapist pointed out something that really stuck with me: my fear of abandonment often makes me interpret neutral situations as evidence that I’m about to be abandoned.

How do you tell the difference between genuine intuition and anxious attachment creating stories?

I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who have struggled with anxious attachment or have dated someone who has.

I've been dating for 7 months and I've noticed that when I do like people, as I'm talking to them more and more or going on more dates I start to feel annoyed by them and message them and then the more they message it grows to full blown disgust and I feel like running away from them.

The only men I don't do this with is men who I like but have to chase for their attention. They keep me hooked, I was with a dismissive avoidant for 10 years. The available guys who are super into me make me feel disgusted.

Please give me some insight. Is this incompatibility? Am I going to be forever alone or with someone who isn't really even into me.

I met this girl on Instagram about a month ago. We had great conversations, and most of them were about life, philosophy, religion, relationships, and other deep topics. She was one of the few people I genuinely enjoyed talking to.

Recently, I noticed that I was starting to get attached. That's when I started thinking, "This is going to end like it always does." I have a habit of expecting people to lose interest or leave, so I start pulling away before they can.

She's very different from me. She's extroverted, enjoys making friends, and believes in positive, supportive friendships. I'm much more guarded and usually keep people at a distance.

A few days ago, I left her on seen and then removed her from my account. She didn't do anything cruel or disrespectful. Looking back, I think I acted out of fear more than anything else.

But today i apologized her and she was chill idk she said "she understands from where i am coming from and it must have took a lot of courage for me to apologize". The thing is she is a good person as far i think but i can't take this anymore how i feel when someone starts to understand me. It is not first time i am feeling like this it has happened before 2 times i guess. I can't go to therapy rn. Does anyone knows any solution how can i stop this.

I'm a 31-year-old woman.

For the past 4.5 years, I was deeply in love with someone who never became a part of my life. It was completely one-sided. He's married now, and I think I've finally started moving on.

I don't stalk him much anymore—maybe once a week or even once every 10 days. Compared to how I used to be, that's a huge improvement.

The problem is, I feel like I'll never be able to love or feel the same way for anyone else again.

I want to get married. I want someone who feels like home. But I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I don't enjoy talking to new people, and I end up becoming blunt or rude. I also find it very hard to trust people, even over small things.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Were you eventually able to open your heart again, or did that feeling of "I'll never love anyone else" stay with you?

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences or advice.

Not looking for the “I went to therapy and did the work” summary. More curious about the real sequence. How long after the fact did it click? Was it gradual or did something specific trigger it? And once you knew, did you reach back out, sit with it, or just carry it into the next thing?

Asking because there seems to be a gap between FAs who recognize the pattern in the abstract and those who can actually trace it to a specific person they lost. Curious what that reckoning looked like.

I guess I just feel like venting to those who will understand. I am talking to such a great person, who not only meets but exceeds all my expectations, and I really like him. But instead of letting that be the line to hold when I am apart from him, my brain goes into the loop of being desperate to hear from him and then horrified when I realize I have feelings for him. I’ve been working on myself for years and am able to recognize the patterns, but I just can’t break them fully yet, and it frustrates me. I’m tired of being this way. I feel really envious of secure people.

Does anyone have an Avoidant Attachment Style?

I feel like how I was raised by my independent mother, where my emotions were dismissed, led me to become an INTJ. I'm not sure if people on here feel the same way I do, but it would explain mostly why I'm considered an INTJ.

Since, I'm not that close with my family like at all. A few talks and there, but nothing special. They're mostly just absent. Basically strangers. I have a few friends that I'm close with, which I can feel safe with. So, I'll become energetic and happy, but with my family it's the complete opposite. It's cold and uncaring. I feel nothing for them and I would even say I could live without them.

When it comes to meeting people I suck completely at it. I'm only able to talk easily with new people though friends. That's where i'm more sociable. When i'm alone with a stranger, I become this cold person and it just makes me seem depressing. I guess those times isolated really impacted me. I rarely express myself in a new setting and become quiet. I just hate how awkward it gets when I have to start a conversation, so I never engage.

I use logic when it comes to literally everything too. I dismiss my emotions completely, because it's just chaotic. It's not simple and understanding. When someone else expresses their emotions, I attempt to understand them. Even though I can't feel the weight they're feeling. Since, they can be way more emotional than me. Logic saves my life in most cases. Also, I don't really care about other people's opinion. For example, they could tell me to change as a person or something ridiculous, but I always reject it. I've accepted myself and learned that it's who I am.