DA is ruining my life
Sometimes I get so depressed about the way that my brain works and how it's setting me up for failure. Which is so unfair because it's all a freaking coping mechanism built from trauma that I had no choice but to be a part of!! I have a very intense fear of closeness and more than that, of like being treated with kindness, love, and respect. It is revolting to me. Obviously I "want" to be treated well just like everyone else but, I have such a hard time accepting it.
In my relationships this seems to often look like feeling smitten and in love and then feeling this "falling out of love" feeling that comes in to protect me from hurt and then just those two over and over and over. In my friendships and other ties to people, it looks like literally not being able to be my authentic self around anyone I don't feel comfortable with creating this barrier barring closeness and intimacy with anyone. And a coldness on my end that cannot fully or meaningfully engage with compliments or bids for connection. Preventing me from having fulfilling and meaningful. All of this causing me to have interactions that further cement the idea that I'm unworthy of love and affection and friendship and that I am inherently bad and wrong. Which is the core wound.
How am I supposed to not feel incredibly depressed by this. And the fact that I have been in therapy for the past 2 years, making all of these connections and realizations only to still not be able to be a functional participant in my own life and get out of my own way is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I am TERRIFIED that I will always be like this. I have grown and made progress but, the road just feels still so long and treacherous and unclear. I hate living like this.