u/antique_gravity

I have a strong suspicion that I am FA and this makes me very reluctant to trust my feelings.

I've been dating a man for a couple of weeks and broke it off as I don't feel it. I tried to take it slower than I'd usually do, we didn't get to sex, but once touching / kissing / holding hands started I kept noticing that I feel close to nothing.

This is very confusing because he matches most of what I need: he is smart, I loved talking to him, I felt comfortable around his energy, he was masculine and caring, wanted the same things, had a similar lifestyle, seemed responsible, excited about his career, and very into me, with no games. I also find him quite attractive but this physical aspect seemed to be not enough for me - which triggers my confusion about whether it's my true feelings and lack of desire or he is just calm, present, and normal, so I process it as nothingness.

Would appreciate any experience and advice from fellow FAs.

When thinking about my past relationships, I feel like those with the most emotional and special early stages were always either narcs or avoidants (or both).

So I wonder: is this sign a reliable one to watch out for? Did you have this unique intensity with your avoidant exes and did you experience it with secure partners?

In my recent relationship with the avoidant, I tried to pay attention to him apologizing, taking responsibility, being self-aware etc., and he displayed all of these green flags, which means that it can be faked or displayed while they are not triggered yet, so it’s not reliable.

But the intensity was there: I got the feeling that he is “my person” before the very first date which should be concerning on its own, within a week it felt like we are exclusive and fully devoted to this, every date was unique, emotional, special, he’d come by unplanned as a surprise, tell me he’ll learn my language, offer to meet all the friends and family fast, and acted, talked and looked at me as if I’m the most beautiful and precious person in the world to him.

With narcs I dated long time ago, I would also get the “twin flame” energy, or feel like I cannot even touch them cause I would explode from the overwhelm, and they would also create super frequent “special” moments that then become memory anchors.

In secure relationships, the speed is probably much slower and infatuation is less dramatic. At least in my memory, with secure/anxious partners there were good/special moments but they were not every time we meet and I don’t have a laundry list of incredibly emotional memories from the first months, it was just good.

But maybe my mind twists it, so wonder about your experiences.

It’s been a month, I’m overall feeling better but the past couple days I am really down. I don’t know how to trust good feelings in the beginning, how to trust my own body and intuition if even a seemingly safe and kind person flips into a piece of shit, I don’t have energy to go back to square one, and feel like love that feels good is doomed to be fake and performative, and I have no idea what to do then.

I don’t want to even waste my thoughts on this anymore, I’m sad I allow this bs to make me sad, but this was such a crazy flip it nuked some fundamental safety in me. I know I’ll rebuild and be better but just am really down today.

Will be glad to just read how you are all doing, and give you a digital hug.

I mean situations when you know they love you and you get practical acts of care, but there is a lack of touch, compliments, intimate conversations, curiosity about you, sharing what they feel, connection in sex, genuine warm repair after conflict, etc.

Do you feel like it makes you starve emotionally or stability and reliability made these aspects less significant?