r/AvoidantBreakUps

They say they always come back and mine has come back several times even after it seemed we would never talk again. I’m worried I’ll finally start healing and then they’ll come back and undo all that work I’ve done. Or I’ll finally start moving on with someone new and they will show up and I’ll be more confused than ever. It’s been 6 months since we’ve talked. The longest we’ve gone. So maybe this time she’s finally done… I guess I just want to know what’s the most someone’s had the their avoidant ex come back again?

My ex left me “out of nowhere” after almost 6 years together. We were together basically every single day and practically living together at that point, so the breakup completely blindsided me. What hurts the most is that he already seemed to have a “backup”, a girl from work, either before or immediately after ending things with me.
Looking back, his behavior feels more avoidant than openly narcissistic. It seems like he emotionally checked out long before the breakup, lined up another connection so he wouldn’t have to deal with being alone, and then detached completely once he left.
The confusing part is that after the breakup he still met up with me multiple times. During those conversations, I directly asked him if he was involved with someone else or with that coworker, and he always denied it. At the same time, he also tried getting into my accounts more than once after the breakup, which made me think maybe he still cared or wanted some kind of emotional control/connection. But the moment I confronted him about it, he stopped and never tried again.
For months I was stuck between believing him and trusting my gut. Then in March, almost a year after the breakup, I saw him in person with the coworker and her mother, which basically confirmed everything I had suspected all along.
That’s the part I still struggle to process. How does someone spend nearly 6 years attached to you every day, practically sharing a life with you, then emotionally move on so fast while denying everything to your face? Part of me wonders if avoidants suppress emotions and avoid guilt by emotionally replacing people before officially leaving, or if I’m just trying to make sense of behavior that was simply selfish and dishonest.

My (avoidant) boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me (anxious) about 3 weeks ago. The breakup came out of nowhere—he told me he loved me the night prior, we got into an argument the next morning that I still believe we could’ve recovered from, and then he told me it wasn’t working out. I was completely blindsided.

When he broke up with me, he immediately unfriended me on all social media. A little bit later he blocked me on Instagram, and just recently blocked me on TikTok. But before blocking me on TikTok, he sent me a random video which I didn’t respond to (read receipts turned off). Also, before blocking me on TikTok, he was reposting videos and commenting about our relationship. He also added a song to our shared playlist—it was a very malicious song.
All while I’ve been completely silent. Truly going no contact. I logged out of Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok the day we broke up so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at his accounts or interact with him in any way. Only way I knew he blocked me on the two accounts/sent me a video/reposting about our relationship was because I randomly logged into both, looked at my messages because I had some from other people and saw “No User Found”, and I was scrolling through my “For You” page where his reposts appeared. I never visited his profiles. I haven’t even attempted to text or call him.
I’ve been turning all of the attention to myself and my healing. So far, through my healing journey, I’m able to take accountability (not directly to him) for the things that I did that could’ve caused a change in our relationship. I’m continuing my healing journey, focusing on myself, and focused on becoming a better, healthier person.

My question is, why would he be exhibiting that behavior, and then decide to block me out of nowhere when I’ve literally made zero attempts to reach out to him?

I originally made this as a comment to a post here, but realized it might be useful for the wider audience.

How was it back then? When I was still FA I’d just sit out deactivations. And subconsciously expect and hope my partner would come and we make amends (even if it’s me who did the damage). It works for small conflicts, but not for the break ups. The break up “sit it out” was just soooo long, that by the time I am okay and can look at things with clarity, life moved on. It was just odd to reach out someone who is 6 month ago used to be your partner. And in the mind there was a finality of the relationship at a time (longing was there, but I assumed chapter is closed).

The relationships were a territory of instability. I’d have a positive outlook going in, but eventually grudge and conflicts would pile up, and I’d assume “ok, we are not meant for together”, natural lifecycle of the relationship I guess. There was no self awareness that a lot of the situations could have been solved, that I may be upfront about needs and boundaries and not simply expect a match. And most importantly, I wasn’t even aware what is it that I need. Throughout the relationships I’d eventually ruminate a lot, think we’re moving too fast, would play out different ifs and assume partner expectations from me. Like “they’d want this and that from me”. Oftentimes, when I later brought it up, the partner would say “lol, no, eventually maybe, but nobody is dragging you into it”. I would still distrust these words.

I did two rounds of therapy to connect with the body and to unavoid. The first one was purely about noticing. When conflict happened what emotions do I have? How do I register them in the body. You may laugh, but I had no such skill. It a sharp escalation, uncontrollable, but I couldn’t name anything — whether I feel anger, fear, panic, hurt, or any more delicate emotions. Either “I feel bad” or “I feel numb”, that’s it. It also was a state where I’d hyperfocus on myself. I couldn’t communicate efficiently with a partner, it just pumps me up even stronger. Couldn’t process their words either. They made no sense even on the rational level. When I’d come back and reread the conversation later, it would oftentimes shift my perspective.

Noticing the body made the situation more controllable and gave me ability to speak about things. And even communicating the feelings to the partner. “Hey, when this happened, I felt this, can we talk about it?”. And with the good partner I had at a time, I’ve seen that when this shift in communication happened, we repaired situation. Suddenly I didn’t need to run away to calm down, I could discuss what happened, and experience of repetitive repair teached me I can “cope” through the partner. Not solo on my own. Conflict => I feel bad => we can address my feelings => I feel good. It was a positive cycle.

I was still reactionary though. Meaning often times I’d still deregulate and enter this space of conflict. That made me go deeper. Ok, so -why- do I feel the feelings. I get it it’s a fear, but what made me fear? What my defenses react to? And thus further helped to incorporate repair, because we could address the root causes of the problem. I’d propose something that really keeps me safe and calm, not just surface level things. It also made me shift to a heather boundaries, instead of externalizing expectations silently. Not “I don’t want you to flirt with another people”, but “in the relationship I choose I need to feel exclusivity and commitment, here is a markers how I feel it, here is the danger zones, does the other person mean it? If they don’t, how can I see their perspective” etc

Over time it helped to build a much much healthier relationships. It also helped to repair quicker, stronger, and avoid triggering situations and remove a lot of triggers, to be explicit about what is it that I need, not just expect we click in, somehow magically.

It took me:
- one terrible break up, where I was a major component
- 4 years of therapy in two rounds with space in between
- a very loving and understanding partner; they were not “safe” in a classical meaning of secure attachment, they were anxious, but were able to vocalise their struggle too, so we both moved through the process on both sides

As the title says, I’ve been fine the last two months or so and definitely moved on but I’ve randomly started missing him and thinking of him again? Please when will I be released from the shackles of yearning! Is this normal?

Context: 2.5 year relationship, he dumped me back in October out of nowhere because he ‘lost the spark’ and last I heard he was dating someone new. I initiated NC two weeks after the breakup as he kept messaging me and we’ve been in NC since. I removed him from all my socials too at the same time so it’s not like I have any triggers either.

Why is so hard to tell the another person that you just not gonna engage more into the relationship....

Why say I'm busy/is traffic and other pretext to not meet you/call you and show up.... Why not being real? I mean if you so desperate to want out, why don't you state it fucking clear?? If you say it right clear you'd have more chances of been the fuck out for good!!

Why don't you just fucking say it and let the fucking Time pretext alone!!!?

Avoidant and I broke up (I broke up officially but in reality he left me long before and he tried to breakup with me in the past) on 3rd May, now it’s 21st May. He promised me everything about building our life together, and then started pulling away for months and as we broke up he said it’s because he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants to focus on work etc. he was so indifferent.

I chased him a couple times since the break up (small texts etc). He was always dry but said he missed me. He randomly texted me yesterday about my stuff and before that that maybe we could meet in a couple weeks. This gave me hope that maybe he’ll have a realisation that he lost something good and he’ll come back (I knew it would be a miserable cycle again but I couldn’t believe I actually lost him). Today we spoke and I asked him why he’s not begging to get back if he’s missing me and he said it’s because he doesn’t want a relationship (obviously). I finally blocked him on everything. He actually didn’t do anything wrong, he was honest now, but I did something wrong by reaching out.

This is a sign for all of you contemplating breaking no contact to not do so, as they will only hurt you more.

I wanted to share some positivity in this group -- because there was a time when I needed this subreddit to help assist in my healing journey -- now I'm much better. When I got discarded on January 27th, I felt so lost and needed answers (since they weren't coming from him). I leaned heavily on this group for support and answers.. what I came to realize is there are thousands of us who went through EXACTLY what I have. It made me feel seen and heard through my experience. I now feel like a "survivor" of avoidant emotional abuse.

Fast forward to now, May 21st. I feel relieved. I survived the storm. For anyone who is going through this now, please know there is light at the end of your pain. It's hard to believe because I didn't either. I was in so much pain, excruciating emotional pain, I thought I was going to live like that indefinitely. My nervous system was a complete wreck the first 5 weeks -- there were days I thought I had to go to the ER. But I pushed and fought my way out of the darkness. I moved with intent. I focused on myself, my well-being, my future that was so important to me.

I want you to know things will get better ONE DAY. maybe not today, next week or even next month... but do not ever give up.

I am trying to turn the focus from my ex and onto myself. Looking for advice/info about what you did to get yourself out of the hole and feeling more confident and happy. Certain exercises or foods, books you read, daily habits, activities you started or joined that made a difference? Please give details for the rest of us so we can join you on the other side of the grief!

I just had a quick questions for avoidants lol
So after being discarded I’d say now I’m very close to being fully healed and feel very free , as soon as it happened I took it upon myself to remove them from all my socials.
My question is how does the avoidant respond to that , does it hurt him or does he not care
This is just out of curiosity and maybe because I can’t understand that someone just suddenly switches from lovey dovey to being cold ( what a scary characteristic tbh)

I just don’t understand how it works. When they start having these thought, how are they so convinced?

Been doing well but tonight I’m feeling really low.

3am dream writing. About someone who never fully stayed but never fully left either.

I had a dream last night that you were all over me. You were grabbing me by my hips and pulling me close and you said

“so when are you going to be my girlfriend”

I tried to pull away out of shock and you wouldn’t let me. I tried to fight it but every time I tried to create distance you pulled me closer and you wouldn’t let me go.

You called me and said you were picking me up.

“Be ready at 11…. and don’t take forever! I want to spend the day with you”

I got ready and you were outside. My chores pretty much done, all but one shirt left to fold and put away. I looked at the last shirt in my hand, then looked back at you waiting outside from my window, then back at the shirt again.
I hesitated for a split second.
“fuck it”
I tossed the shirt behind me and walked out of my door without looking back.

I got in the car, put my seatbelt on and looked at you, trying to figure out what you were up to.

“So what’s this about?”

You shrugged casually, one hand on the steering wheel as if someone asked you if you knew what you were going to have for dinner in a week from now.

“Idunno. Saw this flea market and thought we’d check it out”

Leaving no room for objections, not realizing your desire was leaking out more than you wanted it to, you said it like it was spontaneous, careless even, but I could already tell you’d been thinking about it for longer than you wanted me to know.

I smiled, amused,
“Hm. Okay”
I said, taking in the information but still studying you.

We were walking around a flea market hand in hand. Usually loving you felt like standing outside in the cold while trying to peek through somebody’s window. But for the first time it felt like just me and you in our own bubble, as the rest of the world was existing around us instead of between us. I looked at you and said,

“so now that we’re dating.. can I call you dill? 😃”

You stopped in your tracks, dropped your head back and went

“aghhhhhhh. I hate that nickname”

Then you looked at me and smiled despite yourself and said,

“…You know what fine 😂”

I remember giggling like a school girl that just got her way, laughing so hard I nearly walked into another booth. Suddenly, I never felt unsure about myself with you. I realized in that moment that every girl I ever compared myself to in the past disappeared into irrelevance because for once I wasn’t competing for your attention. I was undeniably being chosen in real time.

We stopped at a booth where a man was selling my little ponies. There was a limited edition G3 series fluttershy behind the counter. You saw my eyes lock onto it immediately but just as quickly looked away.

“How much for the fluttershy?” You asked.

“Two hundred”

The man replied without hesitation in his voice, his eyebrows raised like he expected you to laugh and walk away.

“Just leave it alone” I said quickly. “Maybe next time.”

“Shut up”

You urgently mumbled under your breath, already pulling out your wallet as if if I were to say one more word the world would end.

“One fifty”

“Hey, are you insane?”

I said to you, now pulling on your arm to leave the booth.

“It’s fine, let’s just go… there’s a guy selling squishmallows down the hall-“

“Bro come on.” You interrupted,
“It’s her birthday weekend”

“One seventy five. Take it or leave it”

As if I was no longer standing next to you, I watched you count the bills in your hand. 20’s, a 10 and a 5. Then you turned around holding out a box to me,

“here.”

“Dill, no”

I said softly, still holding it against my chest,

“I can’t accept this. This was way too much money”

“there’s a corn on the cob place over here I wanna go check it out”

You said, already walking as if you didn’t hear me at all. And somehow that made it worse, or better, I don’t know,

I remember feeling the opposite of desperate in that dream. I never felt like I had to beg, I was just existing as I was and you loved me there.

I remember later that day, you drove me back home, my fluttershy resting gently in my lap. Beams of sunlight pouring from the windshield, warming the plastic while I traced my fingers along the edges.

Something looked different now.
Were the rays of sunlight playing tricks on my eyes?
No, was I imagining things?
Surely, my fluttershy couldn’t be morphing right before me. She was brighter somehow.

Then it hit me all at once. Fluttershy wasn’t changing, I was.

Love had reached inside of her packaging and rearranged her.

We pulled up to my house, the car coming to a complete stop. The calm silence of our seatbelts unbuckling and birds humming in the trees contrasted with the loud highway and distant music from just minutes ago.

We saw balloons coming from the backyard. They were just barely taller than the fence, enough to make out shapes of people laughing and eating behind them.

“Oh shit. Yeah, I forgot my family was having this Barbeque thing today”

The silence started to shift, not badly, just uncertain. I looked over at you.

“…Would you want to come back for a hot dog?”

Suddenly I was watching you in the corner of my own backyard like you always belonged there. You were hugging and kissing my mother and laughing and bantering with my dad and brothers. My sister, usually an introvert, was talking to you about video games as if she’d known you forever, and you looked proud. Not embarrassed, not hesitant, proud to be there with me. But most importantly proud of yourself.

The dream blurred and later flashed to us laying down and looking in the mirror together.
You were playing with my hair and you asked
“Is this all yours?” You asked quietly.
and to my own surprise I said yes.

“I’m proud of you”

then you kissed my forehead.

That dream was some kind of cruel joke.

Or maybe it was necessary.

I woke up gasping for air, tears already running down my face before I was even fully conscious. Slowly, reality started to settle into place around me.

A text from mom reminding me to pick up Lilo from the groomer.

A text from my best friend asking what I was doing later.

A text from Ulta that my package was en route.

I almost forgot. I have a text from you today too. Something about a ride later. A silly meme. A gym selfie. Something small enough to keep me close, never enough to hold onto.

I opened up Instagram absentmindedly, still weary from my dream.

And there you were. A picture of you and your ex on Mount Rushmore, both of you giving a thumbs up to the camera. That’s when reality fully settled back into my body. I stared at the picture almost too long before taking a deep sigh and letting out an exhausted laugh.

Then I looked in the mirror across the room. I looked tired, destroyed honestly, yet beautiful, the kind of beauty that only comes from finally accepting something your heart has been fighting for too long.

Because when I woke up I realized something else too.
I’m not crazy, I was in a situation where I never felt chosen, never felt safe, never felt special.

And eventually, that kind of starvation will make anyone lose themselves.

So I,21F was really devastated when my ex 20M broke up with me.

According to my observation he from the very start was never interested in me he was more into the idea of me loving him and I did love him for 2 years.

At the start of this year I was bawling my eyes out!! Crying everyday, everytime and everywhere (it was embarassing) I did tell everyone I know,how I loved him soo much!! But still he broke up with me.

He called me narcissist, called me a whore just because I joked about selling my ovum can you all believe!!

It's nothing people,he used to hate my only good friend because of his gender and I blocked my tht good friend multiple times just because he asked me to do so.

But guess what who is still here and who ain't?

When I asked him why is he breaking up with me (drenched in my years btw) he replied because I have guy friends and he wants his gurl pure👁️👄👁️(judge him you all hahaha)

I am virgin and it doesn't even matter to me but if someone makes it a bit issue it simply doesn't sit right to me.

Even after this all I decided to be there for him again when he was dealing with something so big but again he lead me on and left.

When I asked him to explain he replied he thought I changed for good but I am still same well everybody I wasn't the one calling him stupid names and tbh I completely moved on now haha.

It feels great you know,I was very suicidal last year because of him guess who survived it all,I did!!!

Hear me out now if you are dealing with something similar cut them off! When you still have time or they will do it for you and then blame it on you saying you are characterless 🐸

I still stayed and he didn't even give proper apology.

So mine ex was lusty af!! You all will not believe!! Even after breaking up with me he expects me to sext with him,ain't it funny? I mean boi!! Wae?

It's so embarassing he used to send me picture of hissss dihhhh nah man not interested!!

I don't wanna see him again.

9.5 yr relationship; married; extremely cruel discard. The fucker waited until I was at my absolute lowest in terms of health, and kicked me when I was down.

Now, all of a sudden, the person whose behaviors drove me to the literal brink of suicide multiple times CARES whether the fuck I live or die.

And the saddest part is that part of me misses him so much, it would continue to sacrifice everything towards the goal of his happiness.

Well. I haven't had a realistic, accountable apology, and i don't foresee that it'd be even remotely safe for me to be vulnerable with the man who used to hurt me on purpose at least ten or fifteen times a year.

Do i still love him? Of course.
Do i trust him?
Fuck.
No.

He broke up with me 4 months ago and immediately went into another relationship. Is it possible that he will ever come back? Since the breakup, I have asked him twice for a personal meeting, he always refused. But I have never begged him to come back and I have not humiliated myself. But deep down I really wish he would come back, I love him very much.

What does it depend on whether he comes back?

Does it matter who broke up with whom? Whether I begged and insisted after the breakup or not? The length of nocontact?

I knew my avoidant for a decade as friends before she asked me to be her boyfriend. It lasted a few months. She slept with me, we had a minor conflict and she stonewalled me and just stopped communicating.

I was so devastated- I had suspicions she was an avoidant because I’d seen her with other guys and the dynamics between them were distant and slightly odd. We’d always had a great bond and communicated well as friends. I guess the stakes were lower then. No vulnerability was required.

After a bunch of vague excuses and a cold robotic discard, we went into NC. She left me like it was as easy as breathing, which unsettled me. It instantly broke the trust we had built for almost a decade.

I bumped into her a few times throughout the course of a year (once when she was on a date) and I was polite (I genuinely didn’t feel any anger or hate when I saw her, just a kind of light sadness). She became a stranger to me overnight.

Fast forward to a year later and she reaches out asking to reconnect as friends. I’ve made the heartbreaking decision (with help from you guys) to not respond. I’ve spent the best part of a year with a huge weight attached to me. She left me alone with the weight of this whilst she went on dates and carried on as if I didn’t exist. She is now in a new relationship which of course isn’t an attractive situation for me in the slightest. I don’t feel like being an ear to her if and when she starts to feel unfulfilled with him.

For anyone still in the midst of this rollercoaster, I promise you it does get better. The thing that helped me the most is removing all social media and not talking to the source of the pain. I moved through it- it was far from linear and still affects me to this day- but that weight I carried gradually fell off and around the 8 month mark, I started to see colour again in my days.

Please just know that an unhealed avoidant’s limited capacity and emotional immaturity do not make them a reliable judge of your worth, or quite frankly a reliable judge of anything.

If they don’t know their elbow from their ass emotionally how on earth can they sustain something healthy? There is no emotional continuity, they are state-based. They feel one thing? Act. They feel the polar opposite? Act. With little to no real regard of how their actions affect others.

I wish avoidants the best in their healing journey but I wish everyone on the receiving end of this nothing but healthy relationships moving forward.

Please do not go back to a dynamic that hurt you- you can then make room for a someone who, when they have you, will not let you go easily.

Healthy love is out there, healthy people are out there- but you will never meet them if you allow the person who left you questioning everything back into your life.

Thank you to everyone and their advice throughout the year. I will continue to help as best as I can on this sub, but I wanted to show my appreciation.

Have you guys noticed how avoidants always seem to develop FOMO the second they actually get with you?

At first, when they’re trying to win you over, it’s aaaaaall about:
“I’m tired of meaningless connections.”
“I just want something real.”
“I want commitment and emotional depth.”

And the moment you finally lower your guard, trust them, and get into the relationship…suddenly they’re confused ???? Suddenly commitment feels “too much.”…Suddenly they’re wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else and acting like they’re missing out on other experiences….

Like… weren’t you the one talking about wanting ONE meaningful connection literally two weeks ago?

How did we go from “I want something serious” to an existential crisis over commitment overnight? Is this why they simply cannot stop emotionally cheating and flirting with other people???