r/AvoidantBreakUps

Avoidants are MASTERS at switching how they feel, and if they have a bit of hard time, they find something to watch, pick a new hobby, post online for attention seeking, dating apps, go out every single weekend on dates, to clubs, out with friends and so much more that they literally can't sit with their feelings.

They absolutely love one night stands, we need to remember also that we are not their first victims, or last victims, we are a number on their list of exes or hookups, they were perfectly fine (according to their idea of perfectly fine that is powered by delusions and distractions) before us and they are perfectly fine after us, if they EVER miss us, they would just miss what we offered, not us, and it will be for a couple of days then they go back to filling their schedules with all kinds of things.

They are incapable of feeling miserable for long periods, that is the whole point, there is no justice, there is no karma, they will live and die with a smile on their faces because no matter what happens they are extremely unlikely to face their wrongdoings and the people they lost, you may call it fake happiness but to them fake and real happiness are the same.

They don't care what is real and fake, all happiness to them is happiness and sadness is something they rather die than face. Even regret, they literally do not believe in regrets, because regret is enemy of happiness and that is an absolute no-no. They mostly will get away with it all, only very few of them actually don't, life is never fair and it never will be

Finally ended things for good with her after 5 and a half years a few months ago. 5 and a half years of up and down hell. Been thinking a lot since then. What occured to me was this: I should have ended this years ago.

For me the cycle presented like this: she'd slowly fade out over months, by that I mean she'd slowly stop showing affection, she'd start over-prioritizing friends, she'd do that thing where she'd fill her schedule 7/7 and sometimes invite me as an afterthought and tell me that i didn't suggest any activity and basically act like we've been dating for 2 weeks when we had been together for years. I mean we live together do i really have to tell you each and every week that i'd like to spend the weekend with you?

Then when I finally had enough she'd leave, telling me she didn't know who she was anymore and needed to live alone to figure it out. Each time I didn't chase, let her look for an apartment etc and without exception she'd be back within a few days, telling me she was finally seeing it, that I was the love of her life, that i would be her priority from now on, sex life would come back to life, she'd even talk about marriage. Then within a few months she would be fading again. She did it maybe 5 or 6 times over 5 years.

Last time she moved out for real. Within 2 weeks she wanted me back. Wrote me a 10 pages novel about how she finally saw the light, even wrote me that she discovered she maybe was avoidant and had bought a book and wanted to go to therapy. I gave her a last chance like an idiot.

The book sat on her table at page 25 for months. She never went to therapy. As soon as winter was over she wanted to be everywhere with everyone and didn't give a second thought about me. Began to give me one worded answers when i talked to her. I wasn't having it this time. Told her it would never work and went no contact.

They never change unless they put in real effort. Writing a few sentences on paper and reflecting over 3 days is not real effort. Don't be like me, leave the first time they pull that shit on you. It will not get better. Respect yourself. Someone who really loves you will be intentional and not treat you as a second thought at best or an inconvenience at worst.

The only thing i didn't find out is why the fuck do they go out of their way to get in relationships if they hate every single aspect that comes with it?

This is an exercise I do for myself on the regular, and that has been already pretty helpful in changing my mindset about all of this. We're gonna need to engage in a bit of realistic mentalization here.

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Okay, so you want them back, don't you? You remember all the good stuff, all the times in which they were loving (or at least, not awful) and you want to live that again, don't you? You want to repeat that Honeymoon Phase, to see them as they showed up at first, once more... You're thirsty for who you know they can be, if they set their mind to it, right?

Stay a little bit in that headspace. Remember their smile, the way they seemed interested and compelling, the manners in which you felt like they were just meant for you...

Done that? Okay, so now we're doing something different. I want you to bubble up the way they became after that Honeymoon Phase ended.

Suddenly, you're gonna remember a lot of hurtful stuff. That's okay. Keep on track with me here. Think of how, suddenly, that same person started going cold, irresponsive to your affection and how they began to withdraw from your attempts to connection. Bring forth the ways in which their behavior and words hurt you.

Now, try to balance that contrast. Conceptualize both things existing at the same time. It's hard, isn't it? They don't feel like the same person at all!

But they are, and that's how they play. The only difference is time.

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Now, imagine you got them back. Yes, you made it. You said the words you had to say, did the things you had to do... The nature of it all doesn't matter; you did it.

You have them by your side now. They're with you. Maybe you guys shared a passionate kiss, maybe an intimate night like none before it... You're finally together again and the both of you think it's for the best now.

You're content again for the first time since the discard and life is seriously looking up! You guys are already making plans, plotting the next dates or something.

Now... Cue to months in the future... or years. It's up to you to decide. Now, I want you to continue picturing yourself in this relationship. Make your own story, but I want you to be sure you managed to "pin them down". Yes, you married that person, or at least there are plans to.

But something is off. You're not exactly content. Things are apparently fine, maybe on the outside, but you can tell something has changed for the worse, over the course of that time.

Your partner is distant, maybe too stuck in work. Life became routine and you feel more like roommates than a couple. It's been a while since you got intimate, and the couple life isn't treating you kindly. There's no longer that curiosity, they make no moves on you or try to do something different. You're just two people sharing a set of rooms.

They've become awfully secretive of their phone, and sometimes you think you can smell a different perfume coming from their work clothes. They've been showing up late, rejecting your date ideas out of "tiredness" or excessive work, but still wanna go out on their own or having solitary entertainment you feel afraid of "inviting yourself" into, because you know they'll react poorly...

You begin feeling different. It seems like they want to do anything, but spend any time with you. They're closed off, distant... You're now monitoring for reactions and measuring words, as not to upset them, maybe doing extra house work or caring for the children, while they grow more and more disconnected.

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Do it again: Can they be the same people? Can you hold these concepts together?

It's easier now, right?

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Now, think of yourself. How does that make you feel? How is the sensation of wasting those months or years?

Look at the time you lost, and yet, you don't feel appreciated. You lost so much time and so much life.

Was it even worth it?

You're now tied by the bureaucracies of marriage, maybe by children, or whatever it is that you built together... out of your initiative, that is. They never moved a finger to help and you can't help but get this lingeling feeling they only agreed to this in order to avoid any fight.

They're half-assing it, while you're working for two, or maybe more.

Isn't that depressing? Your life is dull and gray. You can't be yourself. You're not loved as you want to be loved; sometimes, you wonder if you're loved at all.

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Really, now. Question yourself: are you up to losing all that time, for an outcome you already know?

My ex (M 36) and I (F 38) ended it a month ago after 7 years. I come from a country where family values are important, he knew from day one that I date to marry and dreamed of starting a family. I'm unable to have my own children and always wanted to adopt.

Anytime we would talk about the future he was excited, gave me timelines, we were on the same page - in theory. Then as soon as I would push for things to start moving he would use every excuse in his arsenal, play the victim, ask for patience. If I stayed calm, nothing would happen. If I started a fight, he would use the fight as an excuse to run away.

Two years ago he took me to Japan. I spent 6 months waiting for that trip and knew he promised to propose in the next 6 months and kept asking about my preferences for the ring. I didn't nag, I was enjoying the trip but I was convinced he planned to propose. He didn't. I was devastated, felt like a fool and broke up.

10 months of no contact and he wanted another chance. Said he grew up, went to therapy, claimed to deeply regret how he treated me. I gave him 6 months to propose, show he's serious and ready to start a family and he said that he would never ask for another chance if he didn't understand how serious this is.

He took me to Japan again... I quickly realised he didn't buy a ring, didn't plan anything. I felt humiliated. We spent 2 weeks, depressed, avoiding each other, he moved out the second we came back.

Honestly, I knew he was FA for years, we both did couples therapy for it and he did individual. I knew he was this way and now I can't believe how miserable the life I created for myself is.

I'm genuinely dead inside now. Numb to everything. I was always called marriage material yet nobody wanted to marry me and start a family with me. For me it is too late. 38 is very late to end up single, healing, looking for love again in hopes to start a family one day. It's simply too late for me and I can't get over that I spent 7 years completely abandoning myself in order to give free therapy to someone who didn't love me enough to keep me.

I'm just venting. I don't want to hear that I'm still young etc. I just want people to know - Stop giving chances to a man who has a sad story and keeps playing a victim. He has no interest in making you happy.

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Don't judge me for staying with the guy (FA) for 7 years. I've stayed in a foreign country for him, without a job and no family or friends. Couldn't really just get up and leave so I've gaslighted myself into giving him a million chances. He didn't lie when he was making promises, you could see a genuine change, but it never lasted long. Also, everyone I know thought we're meant for each other and I struggle with always seeing the best in others (yes, I said struggle 🫩, it's like a mental disorder at this point) and I felt bad for his childhood, medical conditions etc. Most of all I'm 38, I was ready for children and marriage at 25. I desperately wanted to make this work, it was my longest relationship.

I'm still depressed. I'm still daydreaming of petty revenge. But not as much as before! I've made comments on posts in here about how I wish he'd reach out to me so that I can be a prick back to him. Lol. And that chance finally came!

The last time I saw or spoke to him was on Mother's Day, which was a day before his birthday. I know that day was hard for him because of his complicated relationship with his bio and adoptive mothers and thus abandonment issues. He'd asked for friendship and, after asking what friendship looked like to him, I said I need space and time, even though I knew full well I didn't want to be friends. AT ALL. I've seen his friendships.

Well, nearly 2 months after that last encounter and neither of us have reached out. Then a couple days ago I get a text from him. It's simply a cold MARKETING TEXT about a film festival series the nonprofit org he volunteers for is putting on. No hi how are you. Not even a hey hope to see you there. Strictly the info for the event, including film descriptions and itineraries as if I care, and nothing else.

At first I got mad because of the lack of emotion and the realization that he kept that part of his life away from me, but that lasted like 3 seconds when I realized that I really don't care about finding out every detail of the dysfunction in him or our relationship anymore. I stopped the thought process right at the point where i would try to look for reasons why he was doing what he was doing. I can't keep analyzing every detail. I thought about saying something back, but instead I just blocked him. He's clearly still in robot mode and I have no desire to speak to or see him. There's no retort that would satisfy me and would really just give him what he likely wants: a reaction. That text was a temperature check. An extremely low effort temperature check as I'm sure he either copy/pasted info from the event flyer or used ai to write and format it.

Part of me hopes that by not responding and blocking him instead, his abandonment and low self esteem issues get triggered. I don't really want to debase myself by engaging when I know that, even if either of us are acting in good faith with the best of intentions, this will only end up with me being hurt and feeling stupid for falling into the trap. I'm a little healed, but not completely over it. I'll be damned if I'm going to willingly let my progress back track even a little bit.

This man had me questioning reality, my worth, whether or not I'll get another chance at love and finally starting a family. I'm 37F. Time is unfortunately a factor. But anyways. Screw him.

Thanks for reading! I really needed to get this off my chest. 🫶🏿

Both funny and insightful, enjoy:

SECURE LAND

Open borders, functioning democracy, boring on purpose. They have a parliament that actually works — not because everyone agrees, but because when there’s conflict, they have this annoying habit of sitting down and talking it through until they reach a resolution. Other nations find this infuriating. Their infrastructure is solid, their economy is stable, and they have universal healthcare. They’re the nation that sends mediators to every international crisis, and they genuinely believe diplomacy works because for them it usually does.

But here’s the thing — they’re not perfect. They still have bad days. Parliament still has screaming matches. Citizens still lose their temper and say things they regret. The difference is they have a robust repair culture. If a politician blows up in session, there’s a formal reconciliation process the next day, and people actually use it. Other nations think this is either inspiring or nauseating depending on who you ask.

Their biggest vulnerability: they sometimes can’t fathom why other nations won’t just talk about it. They send well-meaning ambassadors to the Avoidant Republic who come back confused and vaguely sad. They keep extending olive branches to the Nomads and getting shot at and they’re like “…but we brought sandwiches?”

ANXIOUS KINGDOM

A monarchy, obviously. The King or Queen is obsessed with approval ratings — not from their own citizens, but from other nations. Domestic policy is essentially an afterthought because the entire government apparatus is focused outward.
Every single trade delay is interpreted as a deliberate provocation. A shipment of grain is two days late from Secure Land? Emergency session of the War Council. Not because they actually want war — they want the drama of almost-war so that the other nation has to come reassure them. They mobilize troops to the border, send sixteen urgent diplomatic cables, and then when Secure Land is like “hey sorry, the ship had engine trouble,” they immediately stand down and throw a feast of relief. Until next time.

But the real obsession — the thing that consumes probably 80% of their national intelligence budget — is the Avoidant Republic. They have an entire wing of government dedicated to Avoidant Republic surveillance. Spies everywhere. And I mean everywhere. They’ve got people embedded in Avoidant Republic bakeries, post offices, military barracks. The state news network runs a 24/7 ticker of Avoidant Republic activity. “BREAKING: Avoidant Republic general spotted eating lunch ALONE. What does this mean? Panel discussion at 7.” Their analysts produce 300-page dossiers on what the Avoidant Republic’s Deputy Minister of Agriculture said to a shopkeeper on a Tuesday.

The citizens eat this up because the propaganda keeps them in a constant state of vigilance. “The Avoidant Republic could cut us off at any moment. We must remain watchful.” Meanwhile the Avoidant Republic literally does not know or care that any of this is happening, which somehow makes the Anxious Kingdom spiral harder.

The tragic part is that the Kingdom actually has incredible resources — fertile land, talented people, a huge military — but none of it gets properly developed because every ounce of energy goes into monitoring and reacting to what everyone else is doing. Their citizens are so busy worrying about external threats that the bridges at home are falling apart and nobody notices.

AVOIDANT REPUBLIC

Closed borders. Completely. The walls aren’t just high — they’re celebrated. There are murals of the walls on the walls. National holidays commemorating when the walls were built. School children write essays about why the walls make them the greatest nation on earth.

The government is a totalitarian regime built on one core ideology: self-sufficiency is strength, and needing anything from anyone is weakness. The official state motto is something like “We Stand Alone, We Stand Strong” and it’s carved into every brutalist concrete government building in the capital.
Here’s where it gets dark and accurate: the citizens are starving. Not dramatically — it’s a slow, grinding deprivation. There’s never quite enough food. Entertainment is practically nonexistent. The architecture is all gray concrete blocks, and if a citizen puts up colorful curtains the neighborhood committee asks them to explain why they need “excessive stimulation.” But the state media runs constant programming about how abundance is right around the corner. “The Five-Year Fulfillment Plan is ahead of schedule. Bread rations will increase next quarter. Fun has been approved for Phase 3 of the National Wellbeing Initiative.” Phase 3 never comes.

And if a citizen says “I’m hungry” or “I’m lonely” or “I don’t think this is working,” the response from the government is swift and chilling: “You are fine. The Republic provides everything you need. If you feel lack, the problem is that you are not working hard enough. Report to your productivity station.” Essentially: your needs are a personal failure.
Meanwhile, the Anxious Kingdom’s spies are crawling all over the place and the Avoidant Republic’s official position is that they don’t exist. Not that they’ve been dealt with — that they literally are not there. A spy gets caught red-handed in the Ministry of Defense and the official statement is “There was no one in the Ministry of Defense. Nothing happened. Return to your productivity stations.” The Anxious Kingdom finds this maddening because they can’t even get the Avoidant Republic to acknowledge the conflict, let alone engage with it.

Secure Land occasionally sends aid packages or diplomatic envoys and the Avoidant Republic returns them unopened with a formal note that says “We have no need of your assistance” while citizens in the background are visibly malnourished.

THE DISORGANIZED NOMADS

No fixed territory. No permanent government. No consistent foreign policy. They roam in a massive caravan across unclaimed lands between the other three nations, and every interaction with them is an exercise in whiplash.

They show up at Secure Land’s southern border, banners flying, horns blowing: “WE COME IN PEACE. WE SEEK TRADE AND BROTHERHOOD.” Secure Land opens the gates, sets up a welcome market, lays out goods. The Nomads ride in, see the open gates, the smiling merchants, the outstretched hands — and panic. The welcoming committee can see it happen in real time. Something shifts. The lead Nomad’s eyes go wide. And then suddenly it’s “ACTUALLY we require a 75% tariff on all goods, immediate renegotiation of all terms, and also your welcome banner is threatening and we need you to take it down.” Secure Land is like “…what? You literally just asked us to—” and the Nomads are already retreating, shouting over their shoulders that this was a setup and they knew it all along.

Three weeks later, a lone Nomad messenger arrives at Secure Land’s gate on a half-dead horse: “Please. We’re starving. Send food. Send healers. We’re desperate.” Secure Land, because they’re Secure Land, mobilizes a Red Cross convoy immediately. Doctors, food, blankets, the works. The convoy reaches the Nomad camp and they’re met with arrows. Not a lot of arrows — just enough to make it clear they should stop. Then a Nomad delegation approaches the convoy and says “Why did you come? We didn’t ask for this.” The Red Cross team holds up the literal letter. The Nomads study it and say “That messenger went rogue. We are fine. But also… do you have any bread? Not that we need it.”

The heartbreaking part — and this is where the real attachment theory lives — is that the Nomads behave this way because they were originally refugees. They came from places where the people who were supposed to protect them were the same people who hurt them. So safety and danger got wired together. Every open hand looks like it might become a fist. Every warm gesture is also a potential trap. They genuinely want connection and they genuinely believe connection will destroy them, and they experience both of those things at the same time, all the time. So their behavior isn’t random — it’s the only logical response to an impossible bind.
The other nations can’t figure them out. The Anxious Kingdom tries to form an alliance with them every few years and it ends in chaos every time. The Avoidant Republic pretends they don’t exist (on-brand). Secure Land is the only one that keeps trying, and even they get exhausted.

I (23F) have anxious attachment, and I know that's playing a role here. My boyfriend (22M) and I were together for almost four years in a long-distance relationship.

A few weeks ago, he went away for a training program. From the very first day he kept talking about different women there. One teacher was "pretty," then there was an older woman he mentioned, then stories about girls who talked to him and girls he talked to. He even listened to one girl's relationship problems, which was completely out of character for him. When I asked why, he said it was because I'd find the story interesting. I already had trust issues, so all of this made my anxiety much worse. And the trust issues are because of him

At the same time, I was overwhelmed with exam stress, PMS, and other personal issues. I was emotionally exhausted and, in a moment of panic, I brought up breaking up. Looking back, I don't think I genuinely wanted to end the relationship. I was just overwhelmed. The next day I realized I didn't want us to break up.

Later that day my anxiety became unbearable. I rarely ask him for emotional support because he doesn't really like dealing with emotions, but I thought once in a while would be okay. I called him and said, "Babe, I need you. Can you just talk to me?" Instead of comforting me, he said things like, "You stay at home and do nothing," and "Go study." He had just come back after spending the day with his friends and it was his day off, so it hurt even more. I ended the call by saying, "Okay, I won't disturb you anymore." He replied, "I'll handle you tomorrow."

The next day he called once. I didn't pick up. He called again that night, so I answered. The conversation was completely normal and lasted maybe two minutes. I wasn't rude or cold. Then from the very next day... nothing. No calls. No messages.

For the first time in almost four years, I didn't call either. I've always been the one begging, reaching out, fixing things, because I couldn't bear losing him. This time I didn't want to boost his ego by once again being the one who came back after he treated me badly.

It's been 8 days now. The confusing part is that he's extremely avoidant and has ghosted before, then returned acting like nothing happened. So part of me still keeps hoping he'll come back. But this time feels different.

Every no contact he keeps posting gym updates on WhatsApp like everything is normal but this time he didn’t do that . I can see his profile picture but I wonder if he deleted my number. We were sharing our locations through Find My. (His idea)For my own mental health, I stopped sharing mine, but I could still see his. The next day he stopped sharing his too. I posted a video of my bestie(f) suddenly he changed his pfp .

Then on Day 2, through my friend's account (because we don't follow each other anymore and his account is private), I saw he had followed four girls from his training. Since then his followers and following have kept increasing.

Meanwhile I'm barely eating, barely sleeping, vomiting from anxiety sometimes, and I can't focus on my studies. I'm constantly checking whether he's online on WhatsApp, checking if his location changes, and asking people to see if he's followed more girls. I don't even recognize myself anymore, and honestly I'm ashamed of how obsessive I've become.

It feels like he moved on in seconds while I'm still trying to survive the breakup. My brain keeps telling me our three year relationship meant nothing to him and that he's already talking to other girls.

I know nobody here can tell me exactly what he's thinking, but I'd really like to hear from people with avoidant attachment or anyone who's been in a similar situation. What do you think he's feeling? Do avoidants usually come back after going silent like this?I don’t wanna be obsessed but I can’t stop . I am constantly keeping my hopes up.

We had been dating for a little over 9 months when I broke up with him due to his behaviors, probably self explanatory to this group. The biggest issue being that he just wasn't nice to me and never loved me in the way I needed despite me begging over and over, you all get it. Anyways, we did not of no contact and he continued to message me daily. Pining over me. Saying all the things I wanted to her, declarations of love that I had always wanted. With me minimally responding. I agree to see him eventually after about a month and he was all over me, giving me the attention and affection I had always craved since he took it away from me after the first couple months of dating. I thought maybe he had changed and i started giving him the time of day again. The moment I did that, I felt his energy completely shift. He became cold and distant again and started saying he actually wasn't sure anymore because there were things about me that caused him to feel less excited about the idea of dating me. This happened slowly over the course of a couple weeks. I tried to explain to him that he's not gonna work because the reason we broke up is because he acted like he didn't like me and now he is once again acting like he doesn't like me. The math is not mathing. My question is why is he hanging on and why the fuck did he just not leave me alone in the first place.??

I think I need medication, I’m sobbing most days, I can’t function, I’m hyper fixated on him coming back, can’t accept reality, intense betrayal trauma, don’t want to live anymore, scaring myself. My brain feels weird, it’s been 3 months and it’s getting worse, I just want him back, he’s seeing someone else, I feel like I died. Why wasn’t I good enough? How could he turn so cruel and cold after getting us matching gifts? How could he change in 10 mins? I don’t understand! I don’t understand!

I'm currently reading the book "Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair". It's a very clinical-heavy book, used by therapists to guide the management of Attachment Trauma. It has dedicated chapters with varying therapeutic approaches for each of the Insecure Attachment Styles (Dismissive, Anxious and Disorganized), and can be helpful to the reader for healing their own attachment wound (I'm using this for my AP attachment)

The book also offers amazing explanations to how the attachment wound itself is formed, along with some extra important information.

And one piece of info they bring: DAs are unlikely to seek change.

• DAs are underrepresented in therapy. If they do show up in therapy, it's because of health issues (depression being a big one). Very rarely do they bring relational issues to the appointments.

• When they do, it's usually work-related stuff, and in the rare cases it's about a partner, they usually blame the partner as the cause of their issues.

And that comes from a very specific place.

• Dismissive-Avoidants had extremely rough childhoods, emotionally speaking. The most prominent pattern is repeated rejection from the Nurturing Figure (usually the mother).

• Their mothers have a huge chance of being Narcissistic or Avoidant themselves. The book shows that healthy nurturing was never modeled to the DA as a child.

• The mothers would usually refuse to hold or tend to the child, using phrases to snap them out of crying ("Suck it up! It ain't that bad!", to a child who scraped their knee), instead of tending to them.

• Mothers of DAs have shown resistance or unwillingness to holding their child in moments of distress, or tend to their children's needs in a proper way.

• DAs may not think they were mishandled, because their basic needs (food, shelter, education, clothing, etc.) were met, but, when questioned on the emotional sphere, usually draw a blank or have hazy memories.

• They may say things like "Oh, mother was great!" and genuinely believe it, but struggle to offer any deeper input or describe how their own emotional state is, in relation to their past as a child.

This whole combo makes a person that developed hyperindependence as a survival strategy.

They tend to be very resistive of changes in their Attachment System, and if even therapists struggle with them, imagine YOU.

So, please, conserve yourself and don't try!

He was most afraid of losing me (according to himself). Well, isn’t it ironic that he was the one breaking up. He controlled the situation of “losing” me. That is hurtful. Given the circumstances his words were true.

If she had been more emotionally intelligent she might have said something like, "I can't be the partner you need....I can't make it work....and im sorry but, I'm not willing to make it try. And you shouldn't take it personally, and of course the loss is going to hurt. But I think you'll be okay eventually. You're so strong. I admire that about you. You're always willing to try to do what needs doing. You're always looking to make things better, and treat others right....you're so warm, welcoming, and appreciative of everyone. Strangers who walk through the theater doors. You greet them like they're visiting you at home. And you say goodbye to them heart fully too.... honestly, emotionally you're the strongest person I have ever known....because you keep trying and that's how you build strength....you deserve so much more than what I can give you. I know you'll find someone who will love and appreciate you for all of that"

It would have hurt so much less than what she did.... bringing up every single bad thing about me and throwing it at me like a knife, making me feel like I was an awful person who deserved to be single

Context: I work part time at my local theater as a door person checking and helping people buy tickets.

There was nothing deep hiding underneath. Just fear, ego, and a refusal to be honest.

I met someone with whom there was an incredible connection from day one — hours of talking, intellectually very compatible, real desire on both sides.

But as soon as things got serious, a pattern emerged that took me years to understand: constant avoidance, disappearing without explanation, a sexual failure (or what he perceived as one, not me, honestly) — probably related to an undisclosed back problem — that instead of communicating, he handled with silence, shame, and empty phrases like "it's not flowing", "you make me feel uncomfortable," or "I don't want to bring my problems into this, it's just not coming naturally to connect with you" leaving me carrying guilt that was never mine. Well... the guy has erectile dysfunction.

I spent like a year of trying to process his rejection. I was diving in Attachment Theory and so on... He even mentioned he was avoidant a couple of times. After his rejection, I felt completely inferior, not enough, even started to doubt if any men would want me for more than a year.

Now I know: deep down, it wasn't so much a profound trauma as poor ego management: he preferred to seem mysterious and tormented rather than admit something simple and human.

There were years of back-and-forth: blocking, reappearing, orbiting even while in a relationship, and never, not once, an honest conversation about what was actually going on.

If this is happening to someone else — someone who seems deep and mysterious but in practice only offers ambiguity, silence, and inconsistent treatment — know that it's not a failure on your part.

The other person's inability to be honest doesn't get fixed with endless patience or by understanding their wounded ego.

It gets resolved by setting boundaries and not waiting around for clarity that will probably never come.

I feel like saying “just focus on your own life” is a lot easier said than done. Believe me, I want to, I am. But it doesn’t mean that this knowledge isn’t gnawing at me.

He started seeing someone in his friend group a little over a month after we broke up. It’s now been four months since we’ve been apart. I’m still single and don’t see myself entering a new long-term relationship anytime soon. We also share a friend group and don’t overlap a ton, but I’m still conscious of it. I last saw him a month ago when we all spent four days at a festival together.

I have a very active social life. I have a good job, hobbies, passions, goals. I’ve dated casually here and there but it just seems like nothing is really working. It still brings me down so much. I had to be so, incredibly patient with my ex to give him the space and safety to open up emotionally. Even when he discarded me once I took him back. While he could be an amazing boyfriend at some points, there were periods where he just lacked consideration but now seems to be going the extra mile for this new girl. It’s like I prepared him to be a better boyfriend and have just been hurt for it.

I am happy to report that I did NOT accept my avoidants “contract”. lol to make the story short, I broke things off because I approached him with the “what are we question“ and, of course he gave me all the same statements “I don’t have the emotional capacity. I can’t give you what I want. this is just casual”. Since I said, okay, take your independence with you then I’m ending whatever we are… he proposed.. and in his words “casual, but exclusive, but don’t get your hopes up this will ever become a relationship“. Go figure.

I keep seeing so many comments expressing wanting or taking back an avoidant ex post 'discard' and I'm confused about people's limits. What was your limit that said 'No way am I taking this person back'? I wouldn't take mine back. That would be a complete decimation of my self-esteem. I don't even fantasise about it. His behaviour was just too disgusting in the end.

Guy I’m with stopped effort really quickly after honeymoon phase. Do avoidants know they do this. And why do they do it.