I genuinely used to think that people broke up with you because you didn’t treat them well or the love disappeared because one or both of them stopped trying to keep the relationship alive
Being left BECAUSE you love them is excruciating pain I never thought possible
It leaves you feeling defective and not good enough
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I don’t give a fuck if someone’s personal issues caused them to treat me like shit, dismiss me, run away from me, and “avoid” me.
If you go all in with me and present this fake persona to try and hook me into a relationship then discard me because you’re scared of intimacy and it got too real for you, and you’re a GROWN ADULT?
FUCK YOU.
If they’re not obligated to give you answers and run away like pussies when they are the ones who 9/10 initiated a relationship first, then I’m not obligated to forgive or even be nice when they inevitably try and come back for round 100 when they realize no one else will deal with their shit
It’s fuck you forever and I do not wish you the best.
One of the many things that really hurt and made me feel stupid for ever having feelings was when he made me feel like anyone and everyone was way more interesting and important in his life than me.
I felt like I was on the very bottom of the list of things and people he deemed important.
It makes me feel stupid and foolish for how much I gave and how I made him top priority in my inner world.
I just feel used and thrown away sometimes.
I'm at the point where I don't even care if he regrets it or not. I showed up and gave it my all and my best. I was extremely loyal to him and loved with my whole heart. I don't care how he feels about me or if he will ever look back and feel ashamed for the way things ended or if he even thinks about me at all.
I know what it meant to me.
I know how much I gave.
He doesn't get to decide my worth.
It took me 5 months to have a day where he wasn't on my mind 24/7 till today, right now, which is why I'm writing this post.
Keep. Holding. On.
Relationships don't work when the main focus is keeping one person happy and walking on eggshells / tiptoe-ing around to make sure you don't say or do the wrong thing and set them off
If your relationship was anything like mine, we were both focused on his happiness and "capacity" that mine became unimportant and nonexistent
It isn't fair if both of you are looking out for one person
So their shame and guilt is not yours to carry.
You're not the one who pulled away and left them to wonder what happened and what they could have done wrong.
So their shame and guilt is not yours to carry.
You're the one who showed up and gave the relationship an honest effort.
So their shame and guilt is not yours to carry.
Set down that giant boulder you carry on your back every day since they left.
It's not yours to carry.
You showed up with integrity, love, and commitment.
You don't deserve to be punished for their cowardice and mistakes.
Not because you’re this needy,clingy,crazy, or obsessed person who needed your ex to constantly validate and support you every second of the day
You became anxious because they created the uncertainty and confusion
Please remember that
If you're heart broken and can barely get out of bed or eat right now while your ex seems to be unaffected and moving on with life as if nothing happened that's because they are the ones who have a full cup while yours was left empty and you are drained.
You probably gave it your all and made sure to do whatever it took to please them and believed their lies when they told you nothing was wrong even though you felt them pulling away.
Their withdrawal made you work harder for their affection, therefore you are exhausted.
You are the one dealing with the pain and the betrayal while they get to continue on with their mental illness of avoiding and distracting because if they sat for even one minute and thought about what they did they would implode.
You are the one who tried and didn't let go because you loved them.
You are the one who gave a shit.
They didn't give even half of what you did. But they sure did take.
They are cowards.
My ex really felt like my soulmate at one time.
He and I got a long very well and it felt like I found my other half. I felt incredibly lucky to have a best friend and romantic partner all rolled into one.
Until my free trial subscription ran out.
Once the dopamine and excitement from the “newness” of me wore off for him, then his true personality came out and the only way I can describe is that it felt like he was angry with me for trying to understand what happened to the man I met in the beginning.
Every now and then I’d catch a glimpse of that man but it was used for other people like his coworkers or new friends he made. Everyone else got to experience that man and I got someone entirely different.
From then on I view someone who’s very charming and funny in the beginning to be a red flag. Which is horrible to say out loud because those are traits that would normally make someone a great person to have as a partner but something about that charming personality just feels off to me and makes me question if they are being real or not
Just a reminder that you can (and should) take as long as you need to process and heal through the traumatic experience that comes from being discarded by an avoidant.
Being told to “move on” by friends, family, or the avoidant themselves is fine. Let people think they can tell you how fast you’re supposed to be “over it”. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone but yourself.
You’re the one who’s healing the wound, not them.
If this sub is your only place to vent then keep doing it. There’s lots of us here who are actively going through the same thing and want to talk about it with you.
I still use this sub because I feel like I have a PhD in Avoidant psychology and a Masters Degree in detecting Narcissistic abuse and manipulation.
I entered the trenches in 2014 and have been through hell and back with 2 different avoidant men who destroyed my mental health and (at times) will to live. Both were long term relationships lasting over 5 years
These days I am feeling a lot better, have been single by choice, and the happiest I’ve ever felt in a really long time.
I still use this sub to talk to people who are having a hard time and try and help in whatever way I can, especially with shining a light on what tends to be more often than not, narcissistic abuse.
What about you guys?
How has life been for you outside of hell?
I was extremely against meds for the longest time.
I didn't want to "lose my personality" and bought into the narrative that psych meds just numb you out and turn you into a zombie.
When I was at rock bottom I finally caved and gave meds a chance and it completely changed my life for the better coupled with exercising, eating clean, and putting all the energy I gave to him back into myself.
I still have sad days where I cry and think about him because I'm human and it's okay. I feel better after I cry and it's no longer a devastating feeling, but more of a "wow, I cant believe I put up with that for so long".
If you have the means to try an SSRI I highly recommend it. It takes the edge off and helps with the ruminating thoughts and makes life a little bit easier after experiencing something as painful and traumatic as a discard.
One thing I noticed about my avoidant ex is that he never truly saw me for who I am.
He made up a version of me that existed in his head to justify being cruel and eventually discarding me.
One of many examples I can give is how generous I was in the relationship. I’m the one who bought him expensive gifts and had things custom made entirely for him. I earned more money than he did, not that it mattered to me, but it matters in this story.
After the honeymoon phase wore off for him, his mask came off and he decided to cling to the idea that all women are gold diggers and only use men for money.
Our relationship did not reflect that narrative at all, it couldn’t be further from the truth. And because it didn’t translate into our reality, he pushed me away because he was adamant I was just “using him”. He constantly brought up stories where his friends were being used by women and would send me reels and memes of “women bad, men superior” horse shit. He was not the man I met anymore (and never was)
It’s almost as if he was angry at me for going off the script he created whenever I was kind and loving to him and tolerated his behavior towards me. The more I loved him, the deeper he hated me.
Flaw finding where it isn’t there is insidious and can truly damage your self worth and self esteem.
Just remember it’s them. Not you.
But in reality it was just you asking for basic respect and reciprocity which caused them to shut down and withdraw, causing an argument or worse, you now having to walk on eggshells and tiptoe around their terms and conditions for what’s allowed to be discussed.
They call us “sensitive and emotional” when they are in fact the most sensitive and emotional and cannot have a conversation without recoil and resistance.
The minute you feel like you’re beating your head against a wall with someone who’s acting as if you have a gun to their head and doesn’t want to participate like an adult, just walk away.
Relationships are supposed to enrich our lives, not make them harder.
They want out of your life? That’s fine. Let me get the door for you.
They think the grass is greener somewhere else? Right on. Hope it all works out for you!!!
I know it’s easier said than done because deep inside of our hearts they were the one for us and we would move mountains for them but they are literally not capable of seeing it. No matter how many times we explain, cry, beg, strategize, anything.
They need to go out there and fail for any 1% chance of them admitting they made a mistake.
But by the time they come back, they won’t be getting a second chance from us because we deserved better the first time.
I thought this was a place to grieve, vent, find some sort of hope for the future that we can heal and move forward from the pain we are currently in.
I understand the insatiable urge to find out “why” and fully investigate the cruelty of being discarded can breed obsession and mixed emotions but we need to treat eachother with a little more respect
Avoidance is a spectrum. It’s not one size fits all.
I’ve seen a handful of comments invalidating someone’s story that they took the courage to post and hijack the whole discussion with
“Are you sure your ex is avoidant? Because MINE never did that???”
“MINE wasn’t abusive, so it doesn’t sound like yours was avoidant”
It’s getting so old, and ironically the kind of gaslighting that we experienced first hand with the avoidant themselves
Maybe let people just vent their experiences?
If yours was perfect on paper but just scared to hold your hand, or saying “I love you” caused them to run away, congratulations, you are part of the 1% who didn’t experience the devastating abuse that occurs throughout a relationship with an avoidant.
Some of us have been through hell and need a space to vent.
That is the reason they create the mask
They have to trick you into thinking they are loving, empathetic, kind, and are capable of being in a relationship.
They know that if they met you and were their authentic self that you wouldn’t even talk to them for more than 5 minutes.
It’s a bait and switch that occurs from day one.
We are grieving the ILLUSION of the party city mask, not the person underneath
None of it is real. They are cheap car salesman con artists who are throwing whatever they can at you in hopes that you drive the car off the lot and when it inevitably breaks down in your driveway as soon as you get it home, they say but I NEVER SAID this car was in working condition and then ghost every attempt at contact after that
It’s all FAKE