u/Independent_Pie_1810

Do you feel like that sometimes? Like you should have given more of something at some point, and you feel thats the reason they left the way they did?

Sometimes (like now) I feel that I should’ve given something more, maybe different, or something. Maybe its because I never really got a real reason from her, I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel I did everything, and she says the same and that I’m perfect and there was nothing I did or didn’t do, but I have a hard time to trust that because of all the lies and not being able to communicate issues.

One moment happy. One moment sad. One moment upset. One moment… you get the idea.

We were together for 12 years, one day ”us against the world” and ”we have each other” and all that, next day boom. It was all fake, she didn’t see a future with me, I deserve something better, and so on.

Its been about four months now, and I’m getting better overall. I sleep, I perform better at work than I used to do (not sure why), I go to the gym and even that goes better than before, so yeah I’m getting better.

In the beginning, I was drowned in sweat every fucking night for a month, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat properly, I was a mess.

Im all in the title, I’m not even angry at her, I’m disappointed. I did so much for her all the time just so she would feel I loved her and no one else, did so much for her comfort, I never complained. I later found out (or confirmed I should say) that she has been monkey branching with a guy online who’s in another country for a year. I feel so fucking betrayed man, used of my feelings and love for her… they are planning to maybe move together and they haven’t even met yet, well good luck I guess?

Anyway, today I felt that ”chock” in my body, like I did in the beginning of our breakup. Don’t know what that was about but didn’t feel nice.

I spent such a long time with her doing everything for her comfort that I don’t know how to feel about this whole thing. Most of the time I’m happy, well I think I am. I can sometimes sit in a quiet room and just enjoy the wind hitting the trees outside my home, look at a cat in the high grass and smile because its damn adorable, I think I have come to the point that I’m happy with my own company.

I just, what was the point? I mean really? To go that far with the lies, lying about feelings to the one who does everything for you simply because of, what exactly? Thats just so fucked up in so many levels. Just because they can’t talk huh? All of the sudden she wants the space of the fucking solar system because of ”I don’t know why I feel like this” and ”I don’t see a point in talking about my feelings”, which was only half of the fucking truth anyway, fucking lies with omission, and of course no communication. It’s not even about the breakup, its about everything around the fucking breakup, but that she doesn’t understand of course.

And now she has another victim on her list, or who knows maybe she’s the victim this time, fuck do I know or care.

Maybe I’m angry or something now and will regret half of how I express myself by tomorrow, but I think you guys and girls understand this part. Sometimes we become angry for how we got treated with everything we did and sacrificed for our loved ones, and we didn’t even get the effort or communication back, just lies and camelshit (which honestly would have been better than the shit I got at least).

I know about her upbringing and its where she got her behaviour from, only reason I’m not really ”angry” at her. But doesn’t there come a point where you think a bit, and maybe change a bit?

Anyway, english isn’t my first language, and I want to write something about responsibility and accountability as well but I can’t find a good way to sound grown up or whatever right now. Fuck me the more I think of everything the more I get upset.

Sorry

It can be for anything. An old note you found, seeing them somewhere, a dream, maybe seeing how they are moving on so simply while you’re stuck in the place which you thought you two would share for the rest of your lives.

Does this happen to you? Is it normal? What do you do if this happens to you?

Something happened to me tonight. I had a great day, full of energy. Tonight I found out some news about my ex, not bad news and its great for her and all, but when I found out about it I started to feel the way I did at the beginning of our breakup, ”traumatised”, hurt, lost, alone, betrayed, shock. I don’t know what I felt, just really damn hurt in a way I never felt before.

I don’t know how to explain it, but it was as if my body went back to the shock feeling if you know what I mean? Mentally I started to feel exhausted again. This wasn’t as bad as it was during the breakup, but kind of like a ”memory” that my body and mind went back to.

Most days I’m happy and all, but tonight I feel hurt by the whole sudden discard. She didn’t even mention anything to me before, it was like she flipped a coin one day and ended it all, but according to her she has been thinking about it several months but didn’t talk to me about it (she never did about any issues). I know this is getting old by now, but tonight is a bit hard for some reason. I know there’s nothing to save, I know theres no going back again (don’t think I want to even after this), but yeah, its hard.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, just had to ask if this happens to you sometimes of if its me only.

If you sit down and really think, think of how they suddenly left you, the lack of communication, the disrespect, leaving you behind like you were nothing more than a ”thing” for them, all the ”I don’t know” answers when you wanted to communicate with them, do you really want them back, like truly? I’m talking about the whole package, not only a part of them, not only the good part that they showed you, but the whole package they are now, the whole top to bottom version, do you want that back?

Tell me, if you don’t mind, what it is that you want, or don’t want them back for anymore.

There is no right or wrong answer to this. I believe that everyone has a different story and experience of their relationship, and we all suffered greatly of the sudden discard with no, or close to no reason or explanation.

Yeah, so uhm, I feel I need to get this out of me somehow, but in short, she was cheating on me with a dude she got to know from online gaming last spring.

By cheating I mean emotional cheating, he lives in a different country.

I always knew something was wrong, I felt it, my gut feeling told me so, but whenever I talked to her about the amount of time they spent with each other online (gaming, watching movies/series etc) all the time she was home, she just told me he was a good friend.

A friend that you spend every waking hour with every day for weeks and months online, a ”friend”? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind friends, its just healthy with friends and not annoy each other and all that,, but there’s a limit, we didn’t do any activities together, never got out or made food together or even ate together.

I didn’t make a big fuzz about it, just asked if she’s sure about that and she said yes.

I found out that it started with them calling each other during his lunch breaks while I was at work, it escalated into sending each other selfies of them waking up in bed, and right before bed time, and later on more ”intimate” pictures, and this was still during our relationship, before she broke up.

I hate myself, I mean really I hate myself. I trusted her words, I went against my gut feeling and I trusted her words, and she knows how much I hate lies and betrayal, and still all that time she was doing her thing with this dude she told me that she loved me.

She said she ”doesn’t know” why she felt that she wants to be alone, that she wants to leave, when she broke up.

My close friends and family knew how exhausted I have been from my work and studies and all I had to do at home (and I mean everything at home) and they tell me not to blame myself that I didn’t do anything, once I was able to rest I took that instead of new drama. Maybe this is true, maybe not I don’t know. But man, do I feel like a jackass right now. With everything I did for her and us, all my ”understanding” that she had a hard time communicating (didn’t know of the avoidant thing before about maybe a month ago now), and what does she do after all the years spent together? Lies and cheats while I work my ass off for us and our future together while doing everything at home.

I feel so damn used man, what have I done to deserve this? I worked my ass off for us, she knows it. The way I feel now, the feeling of this betrayal, it really hits, I don’t know how to express it.

”There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you’re a perfect man in every way and I hate that there’s no real reason for me to feel this way”, yeah I actually believed that, well wanted to believe that so I did that too even though it really didn’t make much sense to me back then, but now with what I found out, I know the why.

This really hits on such a deep level I don’t even know how talk about it. I don’t even know how to feel right now, or how I should feel even.

She broke up with me two weeks ago (officially), but two months before that it was all the ”I think I want to” and ”I don’t know” where she left me in the dark and was completely cold towards me with the ”I don’t know yet” comments.

I just don’t get it, one day it was all love and us against the world, shes in love with me etc, next day ”I think I want to be alone”, with immediate distancing. She had been thinking about it for four months. No talk when the issue came up in her head, just kept everything to herself and everything was fine with love etc, I just don’t get it.

It was the same story last year and she promised to talk to me if her thoughts would ever show up again. No, she didn’t, she lied to me for several months again and gave all the same ”think I want to be alone”, again, and she doesn’t know why, according to her at least.

My head just can’t make sense of it. Personally I have been feeling better lately, like my days has been more manageable so to speak, I sleep better, could go back to my workout routine (not as much as before, but baby steps in the right direction at least). Tonight however I’m just thinking of why and how, how could she lie to me for so long, and not talk about it and perhaps work with me for a solution, maybe just maybe we could have solved it whatever it was, at least we could have given it a try but no, no tries just quitting after 12 years?

I just don’t get it. I did absolutely everything for her, well for us really, even though I did put myself aside many times just to make her happy. Worst part is she just could never talk to me about issues. I sensed it many times and asked her, but no nothing, it never mattered how much space I gave her and it never mattered if I held her hands and asked ”whats wrong baby?”. She knew how important communication was to me, but she never gave me any even though she promised to do so many times.

Sorry guys, this post might be useless, but for some reason it feels safe for me to vent here whenever my mind starts to think about stuff like this. You just understand what I have been through, something other people that I talk to don’t. You understand that in moments like these, thoughts and words sometimes doesn’t make sense.

You have no idea how much this community means to me. Before I found this subreddit I thought I was the real fucked up one, that I didn’t do enough for her, that I was to blame for it all. I really was at the bottom of the bottom two months ago.

I know whatever happened so suddenly will never make sense to me, no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I try. Maybe she doesn’t know, who knows right? Maybe she does know but doesn’t want to talk about it. Would it actually matter even since I can’t trust her anymore? The truth has always mattered to me no matter how painful it is (I can live with pain as long it’s because of the truth), but can I trust the words of someone I don’t believe anymore because of the lies and betrayal? It feels like the years and moments we shared didn’t matter to her, that it wasn’t worth anything to her.

First I must apologise, it’s just that this community seems to know what I’m going through after my avoidant ex broke up with me. It gives me some kind of ”relief” to write in a place where people have experience with a breakup from an avoidant ex. I didn’t even know about the ”avoidant” type before maybe two weeks ago.

I have been thinking a lot of my ex (ex since last week) tonight, the reasons of why she just wanted to leave all of the sudden, well, actually the lack of reason, just the ”I feel I maybe need to”, and the ”I don’t know” when asked why. It’s just, I can’t grasp the ”I don’t know”, the ”I feel I maybe want to” and ”you’re the best guy in every way” arguments/answers.

She wanted to leave last year too, with the same ”reasons”. While she back then agreed to continue the relationship, and she after a while became sure she felt it was the right choice, we never ”talked” about what made her think that way to figure out what needed to change. At one point I became emotional when I wanted to talk with her where I cried a bit, she told me while smiling ”don’t cry, it’s cringe when guys cry”, it chocked me when she said that, I didn’t even know what to say to that and never talked with her about it since that was a really hurtful thing to say.

I mean, just give me a reason. You’re not in prison, you are of course free to leave you want to if thats what you want, you have that freedom, just give me a reason, something rational, and maybe a chance to work things out and if it doesn’t work, fine I can accept that. If you needed alone time for a bit, sure thing, I could go to my moms place or you could go to your family for a while and then we’ll see what feels right or whatever. No, I just got that she has felt like this for 4 months (same thing last year), and she doesn’t know why. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me then? Why during this time it was ”us against the world”? No, no talk about trying to work things out, she wasn’t interested, only ending it.

Am I wrong for expecting some kind of communication when there are thoughts or issues about the relationship, or even issues with me? Just try to work things out and later see where we land? Well I don’t think so at least. I know everything has its time and place to talk, I don’t expect the very same minute the thoughts or whatever it is, to talk to me about it, but for several months? And during that time tell me everything is fine when I clearly could tell something was bothering her, and she just had to lie about it when I asked her about it?

I have been told by everyone who knows me that I’m one of those guys with a lot of patience, and that its scary how emotionally stable I am (very hard to trigger an ”aggressive out of control” respons out of me). She knows this, she knows that I listen and don’t argue about anything when talking to me, she knows I listen and that I’m able to put myself in that other persons shoes (she told me this herself in the past that I’m that kind of guy), and still, she never talked with me about issues she had with me or our relationship (except one time like 10 or 11 years ago). I had to be the ”reader” and understand everything, ask her directly, only to get the ”maybe” and ”I don’t know” answers, sometimes ”I don’t have time for this” and ”you’re overthinking things” when I needed to talk.

I’m sorry, I’m just venting, and while I’m already so tired of everything that I had to go through and deal with, the thinking of this makes me even more tired, and I know that the time I spend on thinking about this, is time lost that I will never get back again. I know I wont get answers anyway, even though I wish it. Maybe the lack of answers, is an answer in itself?

I don’t regret all the things I did for her all these years, I just wish she could have given something back, like real answers and communication at least, and maybe some help at home from time to time in my most stressful moments with work and studies, and try to work things out when times are hard, but no, she was of the type ”I keep it to myself and hope it eventually goes away”, and was too ”busy” or ”tired” to help me out at home.

I know my own worth, It’s just painful to realise that maybe I didn’t have much worth in the eyes of the one I did everything for and the one who told me I’m loved and meant everything for..

Hopefully my English writing knowledge is understandable!

My avoidant ex gf broke up with me last week, and I was about to write my story (still am, saved as draft), but couldn’t finish it (still exhausted and tired from it all and everything).

While writing my story, it made me realise the red flags that were there, but how I kind of ignored them and/or found excuses for their behaviour (especially in the beginning). Could it be because I loved her? Maybe. Could it be because of how much she loved me and I didn’t wanna lose that? Could be. Could it be because I didn’t understand better back then, and ignored them later on because of work and studies where on top of everything I was alone with taking care of everything at home, and couldn’t see things properly and didn’t have any energy to deal with the ”I don’t know” and other cold, sarcastic and minimising answers? For the past 6-7 years I would perhaps say yes.

So I have a question. Did you ever see the red flags of your avoidant ex during your relationship that you ignored and find excuses for, like ”it’s just me”, or ”she/he i just exhausted to talk”, or ”I’m just overthinking it” or similar? Or did you see them after the breakup when reflecting back on your relationship?

Maybe this is a hard question to answer because of the emotions involved during the relationship, where we don’t ”want” to see the red flags, or signs, because of how much we loved our ex. Maybe we didn’t understand or know of the avoidant type. Or like in my case, where in the end I was simply too exhausted to actually even be able to see clearly anymore because of external factors.

And yet, here I am, missing her in my life because of the good times we had, and the love she showed me during the good times. But at the same time, I started to realise just how little my needs was worth to her during the times I needed it the most. I was fighting for our future, and I didn’t ask for much in return, just honest and open communication, some help around our home from time to time without me having to fight with her about it (sometimes I just said fuck it, I do it, don’t have the energy for a fight about it), and maybe some confirmation/affirmation (not sure the exact word in english, not my first language, I’m sorry) in my most stressful times like exam week or whatever. I’m not a perfect guy, but I think I did my best and did everything for her that I possibly could do.

At least I succeeded in getting my masters degree a while back. I have no idea how I did it now when looking back on everything.

Words just coming as they go, hopefully my writing is understandable.

One day, I will post my full story here, but right now I kind of feel like my love has been torn to pieces and thrown in a fire, so I can’t really find words since my mind is all over the place right now.

My avoidant ex broke up with me last week after 12 years together. The first time was last year, we worked it out kind of, but two months ago it was the same story as last year. I was met with ”I think I want to be alone”, ”I don’t know what I want”, ”you deserve better”, etc. I gave her the space she asked for since she said she didn’t know what she wanted.

Since the start of our relationship:

She couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate. Whenever there was an issue, she never talked with me about them. When she did, it ended with a fight because it grew so big in her head for several months. She told me that she prefers to keep it in her head and hope it goes away by itself, obviously it never did.

When I opened up about my feelings or issues, I was met with silence, sarcasm, ”you’re overthinking it”, or ”I don’t have time for this”, or ”can’t you be like other guys?” (that shit hurt me really bad and she didn’t even understand that), just to run to her damn computer and play games with her online friends.

I was the one who did everything at home. Took out the garbage, took care of the dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning at home. Last several years, when I went to visit my mom over the weekend, I took care of everything at home before leaving to visit my mom, cleaned everything, it was spotless (who doesn’t want to come back home to a clean home just to relax or stuff right). When I got back home, kitchen full of dirty dishes, empty beer bottles on my computer table, plates next to her pc table on the floor, trashcan full. Whenever I told her how sick and tired I am of being the only one taking care of shit at home, she ”understands” and goes back to her computer. Only times she helped out at home is if I had to fight with her over it. I was working and studying at the same time, don’t ask me how I managed it all because I don’t even know myself honestly (honestly I don’t even know how I managed exam weeks and even passed the exams).

To be fair, she wasn’t this bad at home the first two years of our relationship, she was a bit lazy at first but not this extreme.

I just started to accept it, I know, worst misstake ever, but I had studies on top of work so I didn’t have the energy to fight or anything with her about it anymore.

Since last year when she first wanted to leave, I wanted to talk about it with her, I wanted for her to come to me and talk, I wanted her to show that she wants to resolve whatever the issue was. She knew the entire time that I was hoping and waiting (she admitted last week on breakup day), she knew I was ”in suffer” because we never talked about things, but of course, it was ”hard” for her too as she said, she never saw the point in talking about things…

So, why do I feel like shit? Why do I miss her? Do I even miss her? Or do I miss the person who I used to be, who wouldn’t accept this in a million years? Do I feel like shit because I allowed myself to lose myself during the relationship?

I’m just so tired man, so tired

I’m out taking a walk, wondering, how could she leave after 12 years (she left about a month ago) for some guy she never even met? We got ourselves a new place to live, she expressed how well she felt, the love and happiness, then just one day ”I’m sorry, but I don’t see a future with you” and after a while ”I’m in love with this guy”, a guy she never meet, just a voice on the screen.

I just don’t understand it, I put my soul and heart into our relationship, and I know she used to do the same. But was our relationship really that cheap to her?

I don’t know, today nothing makes sense, and I think of our good times and well, yeah, they were but, yeah… everything is just so empty you know… I’m just rambling I know

Hello everybody!

Hope you all had a nice weekend this far 😄

I actually wanted to create this post for some time now, but didn't have the guts to do so yet, but yeah here it goes lol 😂 I'm into working out, cars, computers/tech, and I also like fixing things around my home. I can go from talking about how my workout has been or my car that needs fixing on one day, to random deep discussions about life the next. It all depends on the day haha 😂

I'd say I'm pretty chill and easy to talk to. I like both dumb/funny conversations and more genuine/deep ones, also a bit nerdy depending on the day lol 😄

I'm open to pretty much anyone as long as the vibe is good. Age and gender doesn't matter to me! Doesn't matter if you're super talkative or awkward at first, I overthink messages too sometimes, well, pending on the discussions haha 😄

Would be fun to meet some new people to chat with, maybe share some random thoughts, or just talk about life in general.

Listening to some reggae music right now while writing and chillin, aaand I'm probably overthinking this post already haha 😂 But hey, feel free to message me! And if you don't, I wish you a nice evening/day with lots of love where ever in the world you are located!