u/No-Lawfulness5752

Did anyone else get this response from their ex when you asked to get your emotional needs met and complained about how they treated you? That that is just who they are, and that by being "unable to accept" it, you're just proving that you don't like them as a person?

I still can't wrap my head around this logic several months after the breakup. I genuinely loved, admired, and respected the person she intrinsically is. My complaints were never directed at who she was but at her way of interacting with other people. I didn't ask for perfection, just an acknowledgment of what she was doing and a promise to try to do better. I was 1000% willing to work on her patterns together.

Like for many of you, my ex started out extremely loving and affectionate, and did things for me that the person she became never even would have dreamed of. So I know that she's theoretically capable of being a good partner.

I don't understand (I do from a psychological perspective, but not emotionally) how you can just 1) turn those emotions off, and 2) apparently CHOOSE to continue treating people poorly if you're made aware that you've been hurting someone.

I kept thinking that those behaviors weren't who she truly was and that they could be worked on, because she was so wonderful in so many other respects, and deciding to continue treating people badly if you have the option to do otherwise goes against everything I stand for. I can't believe someone would do this.

My ex and I broke up about two months ago. I've been doing really well overall, but I'm struggling to move from anger about how she treated me to indifference, and I think I know why. If you break up with someone because of genuine incompatibility, I feel like you usually retain some level of respect for the other person. You can see that their preferences have some degree of validity even if you don't share them. And you can usually see your partner's preferences somewhat accurately because you made an effort to understand them because you want to know what sort of person your partner is.

My ex... didn't do this in the slightest? I felt like she never understood what I was actually asking of her. For example, I repeatedly complained that she never initiated contact with me or made room for me in her life. Sometimes I gave her specific demands (like wanting to hear from her by 5 pm, which, yes, is SUPER late and was way later than I actually wanted), and she would grudgingly fulfill them for about two weeks and then stop. Meanwhile, I was racking my brain trying to learn how she understood relationships to figure out how I could meet her there. I know for a fact that she never made the same effort for me and that she never thought about the belief system underlying my requests.

Another thing is that, when you're dating someone, it's natural to want to build a shared world with them to some extent. For example, if my partner has certain hobbies or things that are important to them, my instinct is to engage with those things so I can meet them there and have conversations with them about those things. And I genuinely enjoy doing this, because if it's an activity that's important to my partner, it automatically makes the activity feel like home. She never engaged with my interests on her own (I am saying this as someone who read 10+ books my partner loved, planned to play her favorite video games, and learned a sport for her), and wasn't even willing to put up with me talking about my interests or wanting to engage with them together.

I feel like she never took a single step towards me the entire time we were together. You will not believe the number of important life events that I found out about through public group chats or after they'd already happened. I think she really couldn't cope with the thought of someone influencing her life in any way, even if it was just by them having an opinion about something she was doing. I still hold a lot of resentment about this and I have such a hard time accepting that this wasn't something I could fix. It seems like common sense to me, so it should have been easy for her, right?

I've discovered a way of describing this problem that works really well for me: I am someone who massively values sharing a world with my partner (shared hobbies, shared time, existing in the same emotional space and making room for the other person in that space). And I think this was fundamentally impossible for her. Hell, she wouldn't even talk to me about HER INTERESTS. If I'd made an effort to read a book she liked, for example, and wanted to talk to her about it, she'd brush it off and refuse to engage. I don't need my interests to be 100% identical to my partner's, but I need there to be room for both of us. I think she wanted someone she was 100% compatible with from the start who was also somehow willing to live without any form of deep interaction.

For context, we were together for two and a half years. The first six months were good (mirroring phase) but there were some red flags I ignored, mostly the fact that she wouldn't share feelings or thought processes with me and that she always seemed a bit weird in romantic moments. But everything else was too good so I wasn't too worried about those things and even thought they would improve with more time.

After those six months, she turned into a completely different person. All forms of affection stopped, I had to ask her repeatedly to make room for me in her life (which always made her angry), she showed me that she was completely unwilling to compromise on anything, and she would criticize me constantly for different and often contradictory things. Oh, and she also confessed to me over time that she actually hated all the things we did during the good period (which did great things to my confidence, as I'm sure you can imagine. There's nothing like being told that your partner didn't like the version of you that wasn't trying to please her).

I spent the two bad years trying to change myself into the kind of person who would make her return to the version of her I fell in love with at the beginning. Yes, I was anxious early on, but I threw myself into learning everything I could about anxious attachment the second we got together, and I eventually stopped asking for reassurance.

I now believe that the more subtle way my anxious attachment kept showing up was that I stayed for as long as I did. The version she became later in the relationship is someone I wouldn't even want to be casual friends with. The one good thing that came out of it was that I grieved the relationship while still being in it, and I came out of it angry at how someone could treat another person like this, but otherwise pretty indifferent. It's less like I'm going through heartbreak, and more like someone I was close to died, and after that I was with someone I didn't really like for two years. Those two things don't feel connected and it doesn't feel like they were ever the same person.

Here are some things I've learned: The big reason I was drawn to her was that she had something that I lacked as a result of my anxious attachment at the beginning of the relationship, the fact that she was able to meet her own needs and be unapologetically herself. I was neglected and bullied growing up, and learned that I had to work for love and that people didn't like my true self. In truth, I think a lot of her "true self" is things I actually wanted to do as well, but felt like I wasn't allowed to. I was looking for someone else to give me permission to be myself by accepting me. Unfortunately this led to me only feeling like I was "allowed" to do things she agreed with, which is part of why I essentially turned into a slave trying to please her.

I am so, so much more confident now that she's no longer in my life. I feel much more capable and have so much more time for hobbies because I'm not spending all of my energy trying to please her. But obviously the core wound that caused me to enter into this relationship hasn't just disappeared, and that is something I'm actively working on. A major belief I'm in the process of unlearning is that I only "deserve" to be myself with a select few people once they've shown me that they accept me. That feeling was part of why I stayed; I felt like I had no other choice, because breaking up would mean losing that part of myself. I deserve to be my true self with everyone I meet, and if people don't like me, there are others out there who will (getting rid of the acceptance scarcity mindset is a huge part of healing, I think).

I also asked myself why it's so hard for me to do things for myself. I discovered that it's because I never got the external validation that who I am and what I want to do is okay, and I feel bad prioritizing myself for the same reason, i.e., I am clearly not someone who should be prioritized and it would be embarrassing if others saw me prioritizing myself. To work on this, I am constantly reminding myself that I do deserve to do things, and growing friendships with as many people as possible to actively show my brain that people don't actually hate me. This helps with both the "prioritizing myself is embarrassing" and the "I can only be myself with a select few people" problem. If you're in the process of healing, ask yourself if you have similar beliefs about whether you "deserve" to be yourself and have agency. It's been super helpful for me.

Also, if you feel free to be yourself, you will eventually find the sort of relationship you actually want! You can be confident about your wants and needs, and it won't destroy you if one person doesn't want to be with you because you will have a network of people who accept you to fall back on <3

Hey guys! I’m going on my first trip to Berlin next week as a solo traveler, and I wanted to come on here and ask you guys for some last-minute recommendations for things I missed when I was doing my own research. I live in the Ruhr metropolitan area and I’m in my mid 20s. I am admittedly not the biggest history nerd in the world, and don’t particularly want to spend my trip doing things that feel like homework to me 😅 I like modern exhibitions, beautiful parks, and, generally speaking… vibes. Places that feel atmospheric. 

Here’s what’s on my list so far, to give you a better idea of the sorts of things I see myself enjoying: Ikono (my number one priority), Gardens of the World, Peacock Island, possibly The Upside Down, and I’m torn on whether I want to go to the spy museum, the computer games museum, and Sanssouci Palace (public transport prices are no issue as I have a Germany ticket).

Would love to hear y’all’s opinions on the things I’m unsure about, as well as other recommendations for vibes-based things! (Is Dark Matter worth it?) Also, what shopping streets should I check out if I like stationery, books, cute things, and Asian sweets / pastries / bubble tea? I prefer more casual places to proper restaurants. Thank you in advance!

Heidi Priebe (my beloved) has been the single most helpful resource for me on my own healing journey. I have complete trust in everything she says, and this video about how and why avoidants can turn into completely different people gave me some closure in the form of proof that the person I fell in love with never existed. Thought I'd share to hopefully help some of you as well!

Hello everyone! I've gotten wonderful responses from this community before, so I'm back with another question. I recently noticed that it's incredibly hard for me to do things, both things I want to do and necessary tasks like uni assignments, and when I do do things it takes me ages.

The two problems I've noticed are that 1) I never feel confident in my approach to anything, and 2) a lot of the time it doesn't even occur to me that I can act at all or do things differently than the prescribed way. It takes so much more energy to fight my brain than to do the actual task. I feel like everything I do or think about doing gets caught in a net of "Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't" and "I'm missing some kind of necessary component that everyone else has access to that will allow me to do this correctly."

The necessary background: When I was growing up I had to work for love and choose between safety and authenticity, and naturally I chose safety. I've always felt like my options in life were limited, and as a result I've been drawn to people who make use of their free will and who (I suspect) do the things I secretly want to do but am not consciously aware of. But even if I feel like their presence has somehow given me permission to do the thing, I still feel like I'm not doing it correctly, and then it takes me ages because I cannot do it confidently.

I know that on some level, the only advice is to just do it, but most of the time I'm not even consciously aware that I'm stuck in that net or that I am allowed to act at all in certain situations / that certain options are open to me. Just telling myself that I no longer need to earn love and am allowed to act without fearing judgment doesn't seem to work.

I'm curious if you guys have any other suggestions? Thanks in advance!

Hey guys, I've been doing really well since the breakup, but tonight I'm struggling and could use some support.

My ex had a lot of typical avoidant behaviors. There was a gradual decrease in affection until there was nothing left, they never shared thought processes with me and frequently "forgot" to share important life updates with me, there was no space for my emotions, and I never felt truly connected or like my needs were met.

But the first six months were absolutely amazing and I truly thought I had found my person. I was anxious at the start of the relationship and would sometimes ask for reassurance (I've done a lot of healing since then), and tonight I can't stop wondering if the change was my fault and I pushed them away.

I still struggle with a lack of identity. I prioritize connection over authenticity. My first thought is not whether I actually want to do something but whether I am safe to do it without losing the love I so desperately need. They never gave me that love, but I feel like there must be something I could have done to make them and to stop them from leaving me.

My ex was a genuinely good person but basically impossible to connect with. They didn't care about my interests, couldn't make time for me, and didn't even respond in depth when I asked about them. For most of our relationship, I was second-guessing myself and pouring most of my energy into figuring out how to engage with them "correctly" to get more than superficial responses. We rarely had deep conversations.

The second after we broke up, after I asked them one too many times to meet my needs, which they of course took as criticism, they told me they assumed that we could still remain in the same social circle like nothing had happened. That, more than anything, showed me that breaking up was the only option. Their way of interacting with others is so weird to me. It's like they want to exist in the same space as people while doing the same thing without connecting (e.g., a friendship means that both people like the same show and talk about it occasionally, but have no interest in each other's lives apart from that). One of their other exes was in the family group chat, and they would drop in occasionally and share something from their life and get a "That's nice" in response. Same as all of my ex's other "friends."

Being in a relationship with them showed me that I cannot get the one thing that I wanted from them, i.e., a connection. I know now that that is not possible for them, and now they want me to continue to exist in their space so they can continue to enjoy my existence as a concept while continuing not to interact with me? Why the hell would I want that?

Admiring something nice from afar is what you do with museum exhibits, not the basis for a relationship of any sort.

I was in a relationship with someone who was a wonderful person at the personality level, but who had many interpersonal difficulties they couldn't see. They only pay attention to people and things they find interesting, when they find them interesting. This led to an unwillingness to consider my needs when making decisions, my requests going ignored, and me feeling like I had to work three times as hard to make up for those issues. I know with 100% certainty that they will keep running into the same issues in every relationship they enter unless and until they commit to working on themselves.

It's only been a few days since the breakup and I'm already much happier than before because I'm no longer spending 80% of my energy trying to make up for their inattention. But I also know that I would fall victim to the same dynamic again in a heartbeat. I would constantly encourage them to work on themselves and repeat requests in an effort to be heard, because I thought that since the things I was asking for were normal in a relationship, I could get them to see the error of their ways. How can I change this about myself? I know about people pleasing and the trauma-focused perspective on this, but would love to hear the emotional intelligence angle.

I just had a realization that I wanted to share in case anyone else has experienced this. I recently broke up with my partner because my needs weren't being met, something they perceived as a fundamental incompatibility (i.e., them not being able to do it). I on the other hand kept insisting that they just weren't trying hard enough, and saw their failure to try as a personal insult and proof that they never cared about me. And I just realized that that is most likely a BPD thought. I don't have a very fixed sense of self and have changed a lot of things in this relationship to make it work, which I probably shouldn't have. It got to a point where I was constantly worried I wasn't behaving correctly. And I wonder if my insistence that they could change but were choosing not to was something similar and I was projecting my lack of a sense of self onto them. I've never seen anyone talk about it from this perspective, so I wanted to share in case it helps anyone with the same distorted thought pattern <3

I value relationships and am willing to put in a lot of effort when I feel I'm getting something back. I ask partners a lot of questions, engage with their interests, and willingly adapt my life to an extent to allow us to spend more time together. Do you know how difficult it is to drive away a person like this? Well, my partner has done it. No willingness to meet me halfway in any capacity, requests to hang out were met with resistance for months. I know I'm partially in the wrong for giving this much without getting anything in return. I'm not even sad, because I know I'm a damn good partner and I know someone will appreciate me. I can't wait to meet someone who values me, and with whom I don't need to second-guess if I'm asking for too much if I want more than ten consecutive seconds of their attention. There are men out there who actually enjoy being in a relationship. I'm just disappointed that things had to end this way because the relationship started out great.