They can be disruptive and annoying, yet we’re expected to hold space for them in every environment? Sorry, I don’t care for spoiled grown brats, seen enough it in my childhood to give a danm
How do you guys regulate yourself in the moment when something triggers you, especially in a relationship?
For me (37F) sometimes crying feels almost automatic. Like something happens, I feel disappointed, misunderstood or just under some pressure, and I can literally feel it building inside me and then the tears just come 😂...and once that starts sometimes my thoughts start spiralling with it as well.
I know ideally you can take some space, go for a walk, calm down etc, but I'm more wondering what do you actually do when you're there with the person and don't really have a chance to just remove yourself from the situation.
I'm not trying to stop myself from crying or supress how I feel, I just want to learn how to catch it earlier and not feel like my body just takes over everytime...
Sometimes I feel like crying is my body's answer to basically every strong emotion 😂
I know people say your childhood affects your relationships so much that it almost sounds boring now. Honestly, i do not think most people really understand how deep it goes, because it is not always obvious, it is not always “my parents were like this, so now i date people like that.”
Sometimes it is much quieter, sometimes childhood teaches you what love should feel like in your body. So if love felt unpredictable, calm can feel suspicious. or if love felt conditional, you may feel safest when you are earning it. And if love meant being useful, you may confuse being needed with being loved. Also, if love came with criticism, warmth can feel almost fake. Then years later you think you are choosing freely.
But a part of you is still looking for what feels familiar, not what is good. This is the part i find really sad. people often blame themselves for wanting the wrong person, staying too long, chasing someone unavailable, or feeling bored with someone kind.
Tho sometimes the nervous system is not asking “is this healthy?” it is asking “do i recognize this?” and recognition can be powerful even when it hurts. i doo think that is why some people only feel chemistry with people who make them anxious, not because anxiety is love, but because anxiety is familiar enough to feel meaningful.
And maybe healing is when your taste starts changing, when stable stops feeling boring, when kindness stops feeling suspicious, and when you no longer need to earn softness from someone.
I do not think we choose our patterns at first. But at some point, if we are lucky and honest enough, we start noticing who our past keeps choosing for us.
Any thoughts?
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There are a lot of things going on like bad diseases, death, wars, financial issues, mental health issues, heartbreaks, loneliness, environment getting damaged, people are suffering etc. When i think about it all, i really can't look at the positive side. Just the negatives outweigh the positives and it makes me feel depressed and not wanna do anything.
How do u make someone detach from u and make them move on without their feelings getting hurt
Pour du contexte je suis jeune adulte donc évidemment je n’ai pas finis de mûrir tout comme mes amis de mon âge. J’ai conscience que je ne devrais pas m’attendre à une maturité émotionnelle poussé de la part de mes amis. Mais plus le temps passe plus ça me fatigue.
J’en ai marre de devoir être là personne qui communique et à qui on ne répond pas. Plusieurs de mes amis ont des problèmes de colère et jalousie. J’ai beau les comprendre parfois j’ai moi aussi envie de m’énerver. Dès que que je m’énerve j’y réfléchis et je comprend les raison de pourquoi il/elle a réagis comme il a réagis donc au final je prend sur moi et je reste calme. Evidemment je pense que c’est la meilleur chose à faire mais ma colère ne disparaît pas. De plus que quand moi je m’efforce a rester calme et compréhensive je ne revois jamais le même traitement.
Ces situations m’arrive énormément et plus le temps passe plus j’ai envie de m’énerver d’être aggressif comme eux.
I had a relationship where I was absolutely blindsided. It lasted 3 years but the last few months or it she started withdrawing, telling me she was sad and not feeling well and I accepted it and tried to understand. Then suddenly out of nowhere she started ghosting me, not replying to phone calls, not wanting to see me, texting once a week instead of everyday and telling me she's sorry but not elaborating more, and then suddenly just dipping.
I understand that relationships require two people and if one person wants out then they're completely entitled to it, but I at least deserved a good ending. I wasn't going to beg or make a scene. I would've accepted it, felt sad for a while, and then moved on with my life like thousands before me.
Now because I was never given a proper ending, I can't trust anyone anymore. Even when I meet someone and there's a spark, all I can think of is will she also abandon ship at the slightest discomfort without telling me too?
How do you rebuild trust after having it shattered?
I was in a quite intense relationship where she would often bring up issues, usually about wanting me to do something differently or to do something I wasn’t doing. The problem was that I often couldn’t distinguish this from a personal attack.
For example, she would say that I deliberately ignored her, or that I didn’t have any feelings for her, because I had done something differently from what she expected. From my point of view, those statements were simply untrue. These disagreements often turned into fights and arguments. After many of those fights, she would tell me that all she wanted was to feel heard — for me to listen to what was bothering her rather than immediately trying to defend myself or fix the problem.
I have a very strong “fix-it” attitude, and I’ve also noticed some avoidant-attachment traits in my own behaviour. Looking back, I think I struggled to understand what she actually needed from those conversations, because so many of the things she said felt like attacks, guilt trips, or accusations, and sometimes seemed blown out of proportion to me.
So where, in your opinion, is the line between expressing your feelings, communicating what makes you angry or hurt, and attacking the other person?
And if you’re someone who is very sensitive to perceived criticism, how do you learn to actually hear what the other person is saying without immediately becoming defensive?
Nobody talks about the overwhelming grief of loving what you do and your team while the organization destroys what you thoughtc your life would be like. That sk is not burnout from work e That is burnout from doing work you care about in a place that does not deserve that care. Thoughts?
A pattern I’ve recognized within myself is that when I feel misunderstood, I try to correct the misunderstanding. To the point that maybe the people in that disagreement or conversation feel pressured or ‘managed’ especially when i do it past the point that correcting the misunderstanding is no longer productive but potentially the opposite to the disagreement or conversation.
For example, when I want to help. I may make people feel incompetent when I do, though that is not my intention at all. I learned the term competence pressure. Which ends with a lot of “I want to do this on my own because I don’t want Kristin to help, or be right again” “I’ll do it myself, and figure it out myself so I can prove I don’t need her help” maybe instead of inserting myself or rushing to offer such help, from now on asking “do you want help, my opinion, or for me to just listen?”.
If there’s any constructive criticism with this new realization, understanding, I’m all ears. I’m trying to push myself and the way I think to a healthier, more open minded mindset.
Today I realized something.
I don't have that kind of affection and connection with anyone.
I've wanted and searched for connection for so long, but I myself can't maintain any.
I'm a very good person, but also very fleeting in people's lives. I bring movement, but eventually I disappear.
I don't know why, but it's always been this way. I can care about someone, love someone, feel an unbearable urge to take the initiative, but it's never enough for me to actually start. I can still hold myself back.
I feel like I don't really care about anyone, I never text anyone, I never reach out to anyone, I never ask about that person unless they already start a conversation. I don't do this with my family, not even my mother, not even my friends, not even the guys I have a crush on.
I don't know if this is related to some kind of trauma. I certainly have a lot of skeletons in my closet, but I just feel comfortable this way, not having to deal with anyone's indifference, while at the same time always having to deal with loneliness.
It's not like I haven't tried before. I definitely have, many times, but it just didn't work out. I wanted to know if there's anyone out there who also deals with this.
So I've been in this friend group for years. I really do like them all but we all have our toxicity. We argue, have pent up things to say, sometimes distance ourselves, it's a little messy and I know I should find new people that won't make me feel dread or stressed over every single word I utter. But it's just I can't, I'm too attached and invested in this friendship, that's why I want to be one with my feelings, try to accept anything that happens with logic and sort it out with myself rather than not getting sleep because it
As you see even if it's not my fault there is this tight and rumbling feeling in my heart that brings me great discomfort every time something happens between us making me restless after any confrontations as it may not be my fault or even if it is. Not only for this but I want advice on how not to ponder of things and just focus on solutions rather than being a stack up. I genuinely want to change for the better when it comes to me and my emotions.
I feel like there are two types of people you can tell something really personal to.
There’s the person you know will take it to the grave. You can trust them completely not to tell anyone… but somehow they’re often not the person who will give you the emotional support you actually need.
And then there’s the person who will listen to you, understand exactly how you feel, comfort you, say all the right things and make you feel so much better. But there’s also a pretty good chance that by next week three other people somehow know about it.
Obviously this isn’t true for everyone, but I’ve noticed this pattern more than once and now I’m wondering if other people have too.
Have you ever experienced this? Like somehow the best secret keepers and the best emotional support people are rarely the same person?
I volunteer for a small organization. One person was elected leader (literally no one else ran). I had some apprehension about their suitability but dialed it down- I dont want the job, right?
Anyhow this person talks about their past achievements alot. It was ok at first, as were getting to know each other and they are a new leader wanting to assert their capabilities.
It is tiresome now. It is incessant. Anything anyone could say, at a meeting or socially, is met with a one up. "I mowed my lawn yesterday" will likely be met with how they used to own a lawn care business.
I think about this person a lot and how much this behavior annoys me. It makes me angry kind of. Like I want to say, "shut UP!"
I would never talk about myself this way. I do not boast about my achievements & have had difficulty accepting compliments & congratulations. I think, " does this behavior bother me because I struggle to assert myself?" Or do I hate this behavior because it inherently sucks? They responded to a SM comment on our organization page recently that was a long prattling list of things they'd done/studied/worked on. Truly, it is unprofessional. It is likely their compensation for their own insecurities. Regardless, it bothers me more than it should and I want to put it down. I have no clue how to address it or if that would even be worthwhile. Any strategies on how stop obsessing & just let this person be?
I have a history of relationship trauma, and don’t have much experience in a solid relationship. I often enjoy building emotional intensity early on. I’m aware that’s a sign of my insecurity and I’ve been working on it.
I’m with a guy and we’ve been dating about 2 months. Things are very calm, but I don’t often feel like he asks me questions. I will ask him questions and he will not reciprocate, and when I tell him something he doesn’t really follow up with learning more.
I recently asked him about using bf/gf titles and he said although we are exclusive he feels it’s too soon for those titles. I wouldn’t have any problems using them at this point, so I felt a bit sad.
I am feeling unsure if my feeling of discontent revolves around my craving for chaos because that’s what I’m used to, or if these are valid needs/ worries to have at this point in a relationship.
I could use some perspective because I am having a hard time with knowing how I feel.
Not smart enough for books
I see people talk about how they understand the nuances and read between the lines when they read great books but I don't think I'm emotionally intelligent enough for that.
I tried reading To Kill A Mockingbird a few weeks ago because everyone is always talking about it but I couldn't keep up. It felt boring and i knew something was wrong with me. I left it for The Silent Patient and actually finished it.
I'm not very good at this emotional intelligence stuff and I know it, i want to improve and that's why I think i should read, specific types of books even. I see clips of movies on reels and see everyone talking about the hidden meaning and "the heaviness of the scene" but a lot of times i don't understand.
Does anyone else also feel this way? Has anyone made it out of here? Do you have to be out through hell to understand others?
Has anyone seen the anger from you telling them
No? Or maybe it’s not an actual thing ?
I’ll just use one example that’s clicking for me now. He would pressure me for nudes, and when I kept saying no-or because I was being pressured, I’d say “tomorrow” and then say no again- he would crash out, call me a liar, etc.( maybe I was wrong, I take accountability)
Then during the apologizing phase, he’d say, “It’s just that you’re my girl, and when you say no, it feels like you’re denying me something that’s mine .” Or along those lines… but he’d say it in a way that sounds cute like I’m his and his mine
Why does “no” trigger them so much? I’ve just started noticing this.
I love my bf very much but sometimes it’s hard because he has very minimal emotional capacity. He needs a lot of alone time to the point that he won’t want to spend time, talk, or be affectionate the whole day (not even 10 min when we live together). On those days he will become very irritable. I notice it’s not just me, when he lived at home he said that he just stayed in his room and rarely wanted to interact with his family and would maybe connect with friends once a year. He says in general how much people drain him. And small social interactions will really set him back, and frustrations in life in general.
It’s confusing because he’ll go from super lovey and sweet one day to extremely cold and irritable. I’ll do small things like maybe I’m feeling tired (I have health issues) and I can’t do what we had planned or something upsetting will happen and he will become upset and shut down for hours. He often gets upset if he wastes time or doesn’t achieve his goals, which I understand but it’s very confusing. Sometimes I’ll communicate asking him if he’s upset with me and he’ll get drained at me for asking what’s wrong. I’m working on not asking with an anxious tone, but is it wrong to want to know what’s going on? I feel sad because I want to cuddle every day for a little bit but he doesn’t seem interested 50% of the days. I communicate that this is hard for me but he just says it’s who he is and sometimes he seems down for days
I love him very much and I just want to understand him and support him, but sometimes I feel hurt by the coldness and feel a lack of security on days like that but also don’t want to come off as pushy, any advice?
Edit: he does like to cuddle and be affectionate half the days it’s just the stark contrast between extreme affection and saying he wants me forever to being cold the next day that often makes me feel uneasy, I sometimes don’t really know for sure how he feels about me because of it
Being good is not enough. You also need discernment. Loyalty, generosity, patience, emotional depth, and self-awareness are beautiful traits, but they become dangerous when you give them to people who know how to use them but not how to honor them.
If you always understand where someone is coming from, you may start excusing what they keep doing. If you always check yourself first, someone else may avoid checking themselves at all. The answer is not to become colder. The answer is to stop giving your best traits to people who have not earned access to them.
Stay generous, but choose wisely.