r/emotionalintelligence

Recognize Your Emotion.. It has been scientifically proven that naming an emotion reduces stress by 50%

C'moooo

let's shed some light on this topic.

My boyfriend and father of my child has anger issues , he's told me about them but I thought "oh they must have done something really bad to make him angry" well his recent blow up was all because he wanted me to go away for the weekend because he's too stressed ( not with me apparently with his job and life in general ) I said where do you want me to go with a baby for 4 days? He said he would keep our son and I was like yeah right I'm not leaving my son for 4 days (keep in mind he has never bathed him rarely changes him and rarely feeds him I usually handle all of it to try to keep him from getting too stressed) he then yells at me and says "what do you think I'm not a good effing father" tries to tear the baby gate from the wall and proceeds to do what I can only explain as turn into the hulk , I get scared and leave he comes running out and stands in front of my car and won't let me leave , I have to get his mom to come over and tell him to move so I can leave , he's had outbursts before but usually I just end up crying , he's broken things in the home out of anger and he's always cranky and angry , I told him he needs help with his anger but he just makes excuses as to why he can't get help because of his doctor , I don't know what to do he loves his son but I'm basically parenting on my own at this point anyways while trying to make sure he's happy and nothing I do seems to work

Context is that I've been feeling hurt by my friend. My friend puts me on the backburner and flakes on me often and I think this year I was finally done. We've been friends since babies so I guess that is why I put up with it all

Anyways, my therapist told me that it's important that I tell her how I feel and keeping it all in and holding onto resentment can cause depression. But I don't know if I'm resentful, I think I kept it in for so many years that I'm just over it at this point and don't want to be friends anymore but there's no bad blood and I wish her the best yadda yadda

Is it okay to not have a conversation and ghost?

This idea and thinking can be seen across philosophes of Niccolò Machiavelli to Voltaire. It exposes the invisible structure of authority through three not so comfortable truths:

The Illusion of the Open Room: Every group, company, or inner circle claims to be OPEN, DEMOCRATIC, and welcoming of HONEST feedback. They tell you to speak your mind, be AUTHENTIC, and challenge ideas. But that tolerance is completely PERFORMATIVE. The moment your critique brushes against the actual EGO or power source in the room, the temperature instantly DROPS. Real power doesn't debate you; it makes the very ACT of questioning it feel like TREASON.

The Danger: In every DYNAMIC, whether it's a corporate board, a friend group, or a family dinner; there is always one person, one tradition, or ONE narrative that is treated as UNTOUCHABLE. People will laugh at politicians, roast their friends, and mock institutions, but they drop their heads the second the true AUTHORITY speaks. Fear rarely ANNOUNCES itself with a whip; it shows up as an INSTINCTIVE, collective silence whenever the untouchable subject enters the CONVERSATION.

The Price of Clear Vision: The second you IDENTIFY who holds that silent veto power, your naive COMFORT disappears. You can no longer pretend that everyone is playing on a level FIELD. You have to decide whether you are going to play the OBEDIENT courtier who nods along to protect their safety, or accept the RISK of seeing the hierarchy for what it really is. True independence begins the exact moment you stop seeking approval from the people you aren't even permitted to QUESTION.

So Im a lover girl through and through. I love love. I love being in love, falling in love, expressing my love and having it reciprocated. I love it!

But heart break happens for what ever reason and Im finally at the point in my healing where I recognize that someone not having the capacity for my love and what it requires doesnt mean im asking for too much (dont ask what Im asking for) or even that they didnt want me or didnt love me. It literally just means that they didnt have the capacity to give what I was asking for, and thats ok.

I sit with my feelings, let them wash through me. I identify the feelings under the initial feelings. I process and forgive and try to move on.

But like.. wtf do I do with this? With the information that if they could, they would. But they genuinely couldn't.

Where do I put that while I heal from the heartbreak? Because every time I think about that, it fucking feels like daggers in my belly all over again.

What do you do when your trust in people (friends, family, a partner) has been so badly shattered that you don’t think there’s any point anymore?

I’m talking about a situation where you’ve known these people for years, and they’ve consistently shown you who they are, what they think, especially through their actions. And then they do something so out of character that it shatters your spirit?

What’s the point anymore? What’s the meaning of it all? What if, all of a sudden, on some random day, someone (for reasons that can’t be excused) does this? What’s the point of getting close to people anymore? To become attached? Even if it’s for genuine reasons? If, no matter how much you protect yourself, no matter how healthy everything is, this can still happen? We’re on this earth to connect, to love one another, but is it worth the risk?

I’m so depressed that I feel like it could completely destroy me if something like this happens to me again. And there are plenty of people very dear to me who have the power to do this to me, they have all the power in the world to do this to me.

I feel like I no longer have the strength to offer anything, because it’s impossible not to get attached, especially when it’s based on real actions that these people are worth it in the present, and it’s impossible not to believe that a person is a certain way if they show you time and time again that they are. And if you can’t do absolutely anything to prevent, as if by some miracle, without even being warned, that person from doing something like that to you?

Have you ever felt this? How did you overcome it or are going through it?

...your standards were never the problem. The problem was who you chose to lower them for. Every time you shrink your expectations just to keep someone comfortable, avoid conflict, or maintain a connection, you quietly send a message that your needs, values, and boundaries are negotiable. Over time, what begins as understanding can become self-abandonment.

Healthy standards are not demands. They are simply a reflection of what you believe is necessary for mutual respect, honesty, effort, and consideration. The wrong people will often make you feel guilty for having them because meeting those standards requires accountability. The right people, however, won't be intimidated by them. In fact, they may not even notice them because they were already treating you with that level of respect in the first place.

Too often, people convince themselves that they are being loving, patient, or understanding when, in reality, they are consistently settling for less than they deserve. They lower the bar, make excuses, overlook patterns, and accept behavior they would never tolerate from anyone else. Not because their standards are too high, but because their desire to keep the relationship outweighs their willingness to honor their own boundaries.

Raising your standards isn't about becoming cold, arrogant, or impossible to please. It's about remembering your worth and refusing to negotiate away your peace, self-respect, or emotional well-being just to keep someone in your life.

The truth is, the people who genuinely care about you won't be threatened when you stop settling. They won't complain when you ask for consistency, honesty, respect, or reciprocity. The only people likely to be upset are those who benefited from your lack of boundaries.

So raise your standards back to where they belong. The right people won't see them as obstacles. They'll see them as normal. And those who walk away because of them were never asking for your love, they were asking for your willingness to live with less than you deserved.

my partner and i have been going through a really difficult time, and yesterday i had a bit of a realisation that i can’t stop thinking about.

there have been so many disagreements (over really small things) where i’ve ended up feeling overwhelmed and upset, and i’ve always thought to myself, “i just want my partner to come to me, give me a hug, try to understand what i’m going through, validate me, and just stay with me while i’m feeling this.”

and honestly, that is a genuine need i have in a relationship. i want a partner who can comfort me and make me feel like we’re still connected even when we’re struggling.

but i realised yesterday that i’ve been communicating that need in a way that probably makes it really difficult for my partner to actually meet it.

instead of saying, “i’m really overwhelmed right now and i need some comfort. i’d really appreciate a hug when you’re able to,” i’ve often been saying things like, “i need you to hug me right now,” and then continuing to push when he isn’t able to.

and i think that’s where i’ve been going wrong. i’m taking a genuine need and turning it into something my partner has to provide immediately, and when he doesn’t, i become even more upset and push harder. i’m essentially trying to make him give me the exact response i need in that moment.

yesterday i realised that i can state my need without trying to control whether or how he meets it. i can tell him what i need, give him the opportunity to respond, and then allow him to decide whether he’s able to come towards me.

i’m still trying to figure out what the balance is between “i can’t force someone to meet my needs” and “i shouldn’t ignore my needs when they’re consistently not being met.”

has anyone else been through this? where you realised you were pushing or demanding something from your partner, changed the way you communicated your needs, and actually saw your partner start responding differently as a result? i’d really love to hear if making that change actually shifted the dynamic in your relationship.

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I swear people are scared of being exiled or villainized on social media for no reason

Plus, you telling us whether you condone said characters actions or not isn't gonna magically make people not do harmful things or be an asshole. Humans are always gonna human

No matter how civilized we are, we still are a tribalistic, selfish, violent species at heart

In order for people (including fictional characters) to not wanna do something, they're gonna have to give themselves a reason to not wanna do it. Not just because some random stranger online said so

I tend to take things personally. I’ve always thought I don’t really care what others think of me…but I really do. Has anyone been able to overcome this? Maybe there’s things in my everyday life I can implement to not take things so personally, or genuinely not care what others think of me?

There is a pain in life when we have people who love us, but in their conditions. What a waste of energy when love is intertwined with control.
How can they not see the beauty in the expansive feeling of love that lights up like a golden light within, and where you feel like the whole universe is within you — peace floods your head and life in every cell of your body. How beautiful it is to feel such love.
Instead, humans make it all complicated with control, obsession, conditioning and call it love, which feels more like death than life. Feels like being trapped inside a cave with no breathe and your limbs giving up on life.
Why would someone who loves you put you through that horrible feeling, which they call love, when they can otherwise give you the most precious on earth?
Will they ever realize how hurtful their expression of love has been?

I'm looking for some self trust exercises that people have actually succeeded from.

It's been an interesting road to get here. Recently, two of my close friends broke up, and I ended up putting myself in the middle of it (I know, bad me, I'm not good at boundaries yet). It was messy beyond belief, with one of my friends going thru a severe mental health crisis. I was debriefing my boyfriend about it and talking about how my friend always talks down to himself and the negative patterns I've witnessed, and I realized to myself that hey wait I do that too! The more I think on it the more I realized my unhealthy patterns show up in my day to day all the way down to how I intrinsically communicate with myself.

I've been taking the time now to identify where my feelings originate from but also to give myself the space to feel them instead of analyzing them to death. It feels like my nervous system is on fire sometimes but there's some kind of rewarding feeling in being able to take deep breaths and exhale the feelings out after I've felt and acknowledged them. I want to work on trusting my own mind, memories, and feelings.

I dealt with narcissistic abuse in my very early twenties and I think the trauma from that still lingers around. I don't want this to affect my relationship that I'm currently in but I know it does already. He's stable, intelligent, kind, and always gives me the space and support I need to work out my problems even if it means he listens to me talk about it for the 100th time that week. He's probably the most patient man in existence. I want to be better for my own sake and not his but knowing he would benefit from it brings me a little peace as well.

I feel like my eyes are opened now and I have the mental clarity to tackle these problems instead of receding into the fog that depression has laid over my life for the last few years.

Hi,

I am 31 and just reflecting on some comments I’ve heard. One friend told me I complain too much, one said I don’t usually seem happy, another said I make things about myself. One time I was just sitting there doing nothing and someone asked if I was mad at them. Maybe it’s just my face?

I am trying to be more outgoing and happy, but it feels like I’m acting. When we are in a group, I’ll just watch everyone interacting and I feel like I’m an alien trying to figure out how they stay so energized and engaged. I’ve been trying to ask people more questions about themselves and just listen, but I sometimes space out and can’t follow their stories. I struggle with adhd, anxiety, ocd, and depression. I don’t want to use these as excuses. I am in therapy and have done multiple programs to try and lift my depression. I have also tried many types of medication. I also stopped drinking which has made me more socially nervous but I’m sure it’ll pass.

I want to be bubbly and excited about things and have hobbies that I enjoy with others. I’m shy and I like being alone but I hate being lonely. It makes no sense to me.

Does anyone have any advice?

Looking back, I don’t think I invested enough time in learning how to build healthy relationships. I spent much of my life single, and some of my earlier relationships had power dynamics tilted in my favour. Perhaps that meant I never had to confront certain shortcomings.
When I started dating seriously, I realised that attracting people wasn’t necessarily the difficult part. The challenge was building and sustaining an emotional connection.
I’ve had two relationships this year that didn’t work out, and both have made me reflect on my behaviour.
In one, I recognised a fundamental incompatibility around physical intimacy. Looking back, I wonder whether I communicated my concerns and handled the situation as maturely as I could have. After things ended, I struggled to let go and found myself chasing.
In the other, we had spent several months talking before meeting in person. We shared vulnerable moments and physical affection, but things ended abruptly after spending a few days together.
I wonder whether I could have been more thoughtful, planned better experiences, made my partner feel special, and connected more naturally with her friends. When she seemed anxious, I sometimes tried to fix things or initiate affection instead of first listening and understanding what she needed. I also tend to overthink, seek explanations and struggle with uncertainty when someone pulls away.
I don’t know how much these things contributed to the breakups, and I don’t want to assume everything was my fault. But I see patterns worth working on.
I’m realising that being good at attracting someone and being a good partner are two different skills.
For those who have built healthy relationships, I’d appreciate your honest perspective:
What might I be missing about my own behaviour?
How do you support a partner emotionally without trying to fix everything?
How do you balance affection, romance, thoughtfulness and personal space?
What practical habits have helped you become a better partner?
I’m not looking for ways to win anyone back. I genuinely want to understand my blind spots and build healthier relationships in the future. Constructive criticism is welcome.

Hey guys and galls. I have a little bit of a problem by my own doing. For context I'm 37M.

Little backstory, met a girl, she has bipolar which I'm cool with. By cool I mean I started reading about, talking with her about it, and I accepted that I like her and I can do it. After 4 dates she was a little bit colder, changing job and her mother landed at hospital with brain hemorrhage. I was supportive, she asked for a time alone to get everything together. I was like ok, so it's my time now to work on myself.

Now little backstory about me. I was always distant to people, very pragmatic, some time ago (like 10-15 years ago) had a lot of friends, now like 5. I was cool with it, had my best friend and everything is ok.

So now with the story, when she wanted some time for herself, like I said I started working on myself. Started reading "loving someone with bipolar", watching a lot of videos about bipolar. After hearing that she will need slot of support from me I started watching a lot of videos about self care, about issues, being positive etc. And as it happens I had some issues. No idea how but worked out few of them, now I'm allowing myself to feel emotions, and for few days it was like I woke up from being asleep for pas 20 or so years. I appreciate a lot of normal things, stopped drinking to feel anything, almost stopped gaming just to pass time on autopilot. I even worked out my feelings about death of my mother (after 5 years, but it worked out, great)

And now, she texted me yesterday about her mother, she died. Wanted to help her, was supportive, not judging. She told me that if not for bipolar she would ended her life day after her mother died (3 days before she texted me). And now, because I don't have my normal wall around me, and I can feel emotions that I don't now what to do with.

What do I do? Tried putting my walls back up, bo that ship sailed. And now I don't know, I'm angry, exhausted, anxious

The journey to this realisation started recently, when I'd gone on a few dates with someone, and remarked that I'd be "responsible for dealing with their insecurities". After dealing with a few more of their red flags, and breaking it off with them, I've realised I'm tired of being the one relied on to regulate other people's emotions. I'm tired of always being the "strong, resilient one". I want to experience vulnerability. I want to be around people I can feel comfortable and open with. I've always been the one people rely on, which in part, I do enjoy. But I want to be able to let down my walls. Sometimes, I don't want to be the strong one. Sometimes I want to be held. Sometimes I want affection. I just want to fall into the arms of someone