r/emotionalintelligence

i’m a 23-year-old woman and i feel like i cry over everything. i don’t know if i’m naturally just a sensitive person or if it’s because i’ve been under a lot of stress lately, but i’m starting to feel ashamed of it.

for example, yesterday i asked my sister if she wanted to come with me to run a few errands, and she agreed. i was looking forward to spending some time together because i really value quality time with my family. then today it seemed like she was reconsidering because it wasn’t really worth the trip for her and she’d rather just go straight to her boyfriend’s house afterward. i ended up feeling like seeing me wasn’t really a priority, and it hurt my feelings.

i started crying, and she called me “sensitive,” which honestly felt like the cherry on top. then my mom asked me why i have to cry over everything and told me that what i’m upset about “isn’t that serious.”

the thing is, i’ve been going through a really difficult time lately. i’ve been dealing with job rejections, school rejections, uncertainty about my future, and just feeling disappointed and discouraged in general. my family knows this, which is part of why those comments hurt so much.

i know other people have bigger problems, but when i’m already overwhelmed, even small disappointments can make me cry. i don’t want to feel like crying is a crime or that i’m somehow defective because i’m emotional.

for women who used to cry easily or feel deeply, did anything help? is this something i can work on, or do i just need to learn how to accept that i’m a sensitive person? i’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s gone through something similar.

Let me say There’s a real difference between defending yourself and being defensive, and I think a lot of people (often the ones least emotionally intelligent in the room) use the label interchangeably, usually as a conversation-ending move.

If someone misunderstands you and you explain what you actually meant? Or if you’re accused of something and they try to provide context and clarity of why something might’ve happened , That’s not defensiveness. That’s basic communication.

Real defensiveness is when someone hears a need, a boundary, or a non-negotiable and their brain converts it into “they think I’m a bad person” , even when nobody attacked their character at all. They stop hearing the actual ask and start performing damage control for an attack that never happened.

The problem with slapping “you’re being defensive” on someone who’s just clarifying is that it punishes people for explaining themselves. You want them to just be quiet while you speak, even if something you’re saying may not true. Do it enough and people either go quiet (since explaining = defensive now) or actually start getting defensive later, because they’ve learned clarifying doesn’t buy them anything anyway.

For example, let's say I basically couldn't hear worship music without being very triggered. How far can that be taken with people? What do you think would be reasonable vs. unreasonable? Thank you and please feel free to add other examples!

• I'm asking because I have multiple friends with these triggers and I want to respect both them and myself! This is not my trigger.

​

Like I'm so tired of everyone on social media claiming that they're some angel and that they've never done anything wrong or questionable

Meanwhile if anything was exposed about them, then they wouldn't like it themselves

Perception is reality. So if there's nothing about you on social media that's exposed for everyone to see, then everyone will see you as this good and righteous person

Meanwhile we've all done things that if people witnessed in the moment, they would exile us immediately

I just never understand that about social media and wish there was any more clarification as to why people are like this

So I don’t know if this is an ADHD thing or not (I’m not diagnosed officially)
But my s/o used to say “I miss you” and “I love you” as a part of good night texts everyday - there was a 12 hour time difference so it would occur in both our morning and evening when either of us would go to bed
We would have just talked on video call/ texted so I didn’t really get the feeling of “missing” somebody. So whenever he used to say this I used to reply with a goodnight and I love you too
After a month or two, he asked me don’t you miss me? I said since we are talking on the phone daily and interacting all the time I don’t really get the feeling of “missing”
But I knew he wanted it so I started including I miss you too as a part of my good night texts

Was the way I handled this mature? Would really appreciate your opinions

Question from the title.

i’m so sorry for reposting but i posted it in discussion instead of advice

I know I have anxious attachment, and it takes my anxiety to a whole new level, where it bleeds into everything. My mind takes over and I know it’s happening I just can’t stop it. Anyways
I say this all to say i’m in this situation where the person keeps saying they need space or less calls etc. That they wanna be with me but just need space and my body just won’t respect the boundaries and I don’t know why I can’t stop myself
I can’t even give him a day without a literal force through my body being like call him, to probably express a feeling( which also how do you not share every feeling thought that comes through ur mind that you feel you have to work through with the other person) anyways. I can’t give him space because i feel I’ll be forgotten or he will realize life is better without me, and I can’t deal with that. But within me pushing so hard it’s pushing him away….
I’m very hypersensitive and i’m trying to put reality into situations instead of just how I FEEL, because everyone has their own lives and life isn’t centered around me, and that my fears aren’t reality but I guess the difference between emotional awareness n emotional intelligence is being able to stop my triggers and behaviors and I just can’t do that.

All to say how do i give space and be okay in the space and not think about the worst, like is space okay???

and how do i become avoidant instead of attached

Sorry it’s all over the place, i’m typing this instead of calling, is this growth..😂

I’m 26F and my boyfriend is 27M. We’re in an LDR, and lately I’ve been feeling lonely and disconnected.
He’s a very logical person, while I’m more emotionally driven, though I’ve been working on regulating myself and communicating better. Since the World Cup started, his routine has changed a lot. He stays up late watching games, wakes up early for work, naps after work, then plays his daily games. I know he’s tired, and I genuinely want to understand and support him.

We usually have scheduled noon calls because our schedules don’t line up well. At night, he plays games, and we still chat a bit, but lately the conversations feel very surface-level. We used to have more intentional time, like movie nights or me watching him play games, but that hasn’t really been happening much.

I don’t want to take away his hobbies or make him feel guilty for relaxing. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my own needs either. Emotional intimacy and intentional time matter to me, especially because we’re long-distance.
We had a serious conflict before that almost ended the relationship, but he chose to stay and we both agreed to rebuild trust, be honest, and communicate instead of keeping things inside. Because of that, I’m trying not to assume the worst, but I’ve been wondering if he’s still happy in the relationship and if we’re both still actively trying to rebuild.

Part of what hurts is that he seems able to stay up and make time for games or friends, but when I ask to talk, he can easily say no. I understand he has his own life and hobbies, but I also want to feel like our relationship still has space in his life.

I’ve even started learning one of his games because I wanted to understand his world more and maybe connect with him through something he enjoys, but he doesn’t know that yet.

How do I bring this up in a way that feels calm and fair? I want to ask if I’m meeting his needs too, and what he needs from me, but I also want to be honest that I’ve been feeling neglected and lonely.

TL;DR:
My LDR boyfriend has been busy with World Cup, work, sleep, and gaming. I want to support him, but I feel emotionally disconnected and lonely. How do I talk to him about needing more intentional time without making him feel attacked?

For context: we've been together for 3 years and 5 months. And just last May, we broke up. We've kept contact until today June 5. But i told her how i feel i told her sometimes i felt confused with the sudden push-pull dynamics we have. But i was the reason we broke up, i got too controlling too insecure for months since last year, and she got tired of it. She lost herself in the process of trying to adjust on my needs and insecurities. Then today we've talked about our setup and I may have said something in a way that i don't mean to, which i understand why it might've come off, so in the end she told me to let's stop our setup. She told me to stop begging to maintain our friendship, and social media following. I didn't beg i respectfully accepted it. But the real question is, how do i move on? How do i keep moving forward? What do i do now? It feels unbearable to not reach for her when i subconsciously do. Please help me. I respect her and i dont wanna smother her. How do i get better? What are the things I can do now?

Living with BPD is something that people often don't see.

I've noticed that I'm actually much calmer when I'm on my own. I can think clearly, regulate my emotions, and feel more at peace. But when I get into a relationship, everything becomes so much harder.

The fear of being abandoned, overthinking every little change, needing reassurance, and feeling emotions so intensely can be exhausting. It's not because I don't care—it's because I care so deeply that my mind sometimes convinces me I'm about to lose the person I love.

I wish people understood that BPD isn't about being "too much." It's about fighting battles in your own mind while desperately wanting to love and be loved in a healthy way.

I'm still learning. I'm still healing. And I'm trying to remind myself that my diagnosis doesn't define my worth or my ability to have healthy relationships.

If you live with BPD too, I hope you know you're not alone.

We often think growth means never feeling insecure.

I don't think that's necessarily true.

Insecurity notices things. Sometimes those things are real. Sometimes they're not. It can raise a question, but it can't answer the question by itself.

So I don't think the answer is to ignore insecurity or obey it. The answer is to check it. Once it's been checked, it doesn't have to stay insecurity. It can become calm curiosity instead.

The model:

Raw insecurity: the thought shows up.

Checked insecurity: I test it against reality.

Released insecurity: it doesn't hold up, so I let it go.

I don't want insecurity running my life. But I also don't want to treat it like an enemy that never has anything useful to say.

Insecurity can have a seat at the table. It just doesn't get to make the final decision.

Note: AI helped me organize and refine the wording of this post.

When someone reacts badly to what you say, their reaction matters, but it is not the whole truth of what happened. It may tell you something about their capacity, their limits, their wounds, and what your words touched in them. It may also tell you something about your delivery, your timing, your tone, or the way you brought the truth into the room. The point is not to automatically blame them or yourself. The point is to look at the whole exchange clearly. What did you say? Why did you say it that way? What did it seem to activate in them? What did their response reveal? That is how you get closer to reality without letting someone else’s reaction erase your side of it.

Trying to build small habits and wanted to know how yall include them in your everyday routine

So many people these days are just emotionally immature and not self aware. I find myself getting frustrated constantly with my friend group. Every time I try to set a healthy boundary, they accuse me of being “cold” or not caring about them, not realizing they’re viewing me from a self centered lense. I take into account the underlying things they go through, but no one seems to extend the same understanding to me.

It feels like I am on a whole other level when it comes to most of the people I am around. I have been through a lot of trauma and it’s created a level of self awareness in myself that I don’t often see from others. It feels like I’m constantly working on evaluating myself and my behavior while people don’t even think twice about theirs and just react.

I’m wondering if I’ve outgrown a lot of the people in my life but I don’t want to just cut everyone off because I don’t feel that’s healthy either. Is anyone else struggling with the same thing?

I am honestly very curious why some adults use the silent treatment​​. Let me provide a bit of details. I have a family member who has a long history of off and on using the silent treatment within their relationships. These relations include other family members as well as outsiders like friends. This family member gets very sensitive at times and takes things the wrong way. Very petty type things. You can apologize many times, but the silent treatment will happen for months to even a few years and then they will talk to you again for a few months and it will repeat itself.

I am having a difficult time grasping why some people use the silent treatment tactic. What are they trying to gain from this? What is the best way to resolve it?

■Edited to add: The person I am referring to in my post is using silence as a manipulative weapon. The multiple people in their life who are affected by their silence treatment truly do not know specifically what they said or done to receive months/years worth of silence. ​

How do I find a purpose in life and a sense of self when I grew up as a tool to make my parents look good in society and tend to their emotions and desires, which in turn molded me to become a people pleaser who has no desires or wants for my own self unless it also serves/receives the approval of someone else - usually a romantic partner?

All of the men I've loved had a stable sense of self & clear priorities and objectives. The moment I start loving a man, my purpose becomes to make him happy, help him build his goals, etc. I am now single for the first time in years and I have no goals because I have no man. (Please no judgement - I know most women these days do not relate to this).

The man I currently want has goals, he doesn't want me as more than a casual relationship. He has clear professional and personal goals that don't relate to having a romantic relationship. But I already fantasize about how I could change his mind by sacrificing my life to help him with his goals. For me, my goal is to see him reach his goals and be there with him during the process.

And it actually scares me that the thought of making my identity be some guy's "helper" and being put second place after his goals, actually makes me feel good because it gives me a purpose.

This is a follow up to one of my previous posts because we've now actually broken up and are in the process of moving out of the house we rented together.

I'm not asking if I should try and get him back. I know no one can answer that. I think I'm more wondering whether what I'm describing is actually feasible or whether I'm just romanticising it.

Me (29F) and my ex (29M) had a genuinely lovely relationship in so many ways. We laughed all the time, were really affectionate, cared about each other deeply and there was always this strange feeling of belonging between us that I've never really experienced before.

The biggest issue was intimacy.

About four months ago he told me he wasn't really attracted to me anymore. As you can imagine, that completely knocked my confidence, so every now and then I'd ask if anything had changed or if he still felt that way. But those conversations never really went anywhere because he seemed to get overwhelmed really quickly.

He keeps saying his nervous system is fried and that he's burnt out. Even if nothing bad is actually happening, he seems to experience the relationship itself as stressful. Towards the end it got to the point where I'd bring up something vulnerable and he'd end up talking about breaking up because he just couldn't seem to cope with the emotional weight of it.

I know I wasn't perfect either. Once attraction became a question mark, I definitely became more anxious around it, which probably added pressure, and then he'd pull away even more. It became a cycle.

But here's the thing... I don't actually think we're toxic or bad for each other.

If anything, I almost wonder whether we never really got a chance to build a healthy relationship in the first place. We moved in together quite early, both had a lot going on individually, and over time the relationship just seemed to collect more and more emotional baggage.

Part of me wonders whether, after enough time apart and living separately, two people can ever genuinely come back together and date each other from scratch. Not picking up where they left off, but actually building something healthier because all that pressure isn't there anymore.

Has anyone actually experienced that?

Or once a relationship reaches this point, does it usually mean it's over for good?

I'm genuinely curious because I don't think we're incompatible. I think one of us just became so overwhelmed by the relationship that everything started feeling heavy, even when it wasn't.

Would love to hear from people who've been through something similar, whether it worked or it didn't.

it might be very chaotic but i need advice.
i am M(20) and i am pretty much overly sensitive, probably due to ASD and ADHD. i'm not great at managing my emotions to the point where when i feel something, i become the emotion i feel atm. it bothers me but i dont really know what to do about it; im in therapy but there's so much stuff to go thru its not possible for me to go thru all of it in such a short period of time. im in a long term relationship with my bf M(20), and it bothers him a lot too, to the point where he wanted to break up with me bc of that, bc he simply cant handle it. and i dont blame him, i asked him to give me time til the end of this month to prove to him that i can get better at managing that but i really need advice. he's pretty much an avoidant, he's in therapy too, but i love him so much i just dont wanna let him go bc i know we both can get better for ourselves and each other.
how can i get better at managing the way i feel and not act out on that?

There was a boy in my class who’s very popular,not in a flashy way, but because he’s genuinely smart, active in everything, and always involved in school programs. I’m more of the quiet, studious type. The kind of person people only notice when something big happens.

We studied together last year, and I remember being really impressed by him. Over time, I started feeling something for him — I guess you could call it a crush, but I’m not even sure what it is. It wasn’t about his looks. It was more his voice and presence… there’s something calm and comforting about it.

We’ve had a lot of eye contact over time, maybe coincidence, maybe not. Three girls apparently confessed to him last year and he turned them all down, so I never even thought of doing anything like that.

This is my first time feeling something like this, and I honestly don’t know how to handle it. I don’t plan on telling him because I don’t want to risk making things awkward or losing even the small impression he might have of me. I also don’t want rumours or unnecessary attention at school.

It’s been about a year, and the feeling hasn’t gone away. If anything, it’s only grown stronger. I’ve never told anyone except my mom, and even then I just kept it vague. She was calm and understanding, which helped a lot.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this. Was it just a teenage crush, or something you still remember later in life? How did you deal with it? Did you tell someone or just move on?

Sometimes I try to think of it as a “right person, wrong time” situation, but I’m still trying to understand what this feeling actually is.

Be honest ; is it unsettling when a woman is serious, firm. and calm ?

I have been often asked by men (strangers, people who work with me) questions such as “are you upset“ “i think she doesn’t like me“, ”are you sure ur fine? u replied *im fine* in such a low tone”, they even start analyzing .. nonsense

Usually i just go ”no i’m not upset” but they don’t believe it, and go on to make an entire film in their minds. And then are super careful. I gave up trying not to make them feel like i am upset. Because, at this point… theyll think im… still upset. a single smile if naturally occurs and its like “wow she is capable of it” so its really embarrassing and makes me not even want to smile.

Interestingly with women i‘m told im smiley and funny and friendly. so its really just men who think im an upset person.

Again i don’t curse, am polite. Just lower energy and especially as a young woman ( 20yo) which maybe they expected an upbeat character.

Now, isn’t it logical to know that not everyone is the same? And isn’t it not my job to make someone feel comfortable?

I was advised that it’s my personality and so it’s none of my business how others interpret me when i have good intentions.

But why are people ( especially men) so affected by it. I’ve seen today the craziest scene ( which is why i’m typing this ). A total stranger being like “why are you upset with me!!!” ( he sells ice cream and i wanted one, and apparently to him, i seemed upset.) my bubbly cousin had to be like “nono she really likes it and she loves the flavour” ( which is true coz i kept telling her how i liked that flavour) . Anyways he proceed to say “is the icecream not big enough, why are you like this”.

Gets angry, rushes me, makes odd faces. but honestly i was just like “lets calm down” type of face / expression. Coz at this point, i can’t help it, it’ll happen. and i won’t change myself so i just gotta brace myself

now…can anyone tell me the psychology of why they do this ? anyone with an insight