u/cheezeebred

Honestly I don't know what to do anymore. Over a year ago I had a falling out with my therapist because I found out had been lying about his credentials and also that he was a r*** apologist.

I have had severe trust issues ever since. This was someone I pried open my broken heart to, after being abandoned by all of my loved ones to deal with my chronic illness alone.

And I hate myself for going to that jerk for nearly a year, not realizing that I wasn't making any progress. Taking too long to realize that he would literally refuse to help me or offer me literally any guidance about my issues. He would just tell me "You're doing great!" And that's it. I was so desperate for any type of support that it took way too long for me to realize I was actually getting worse. I was becoming dependent on his shallow useless compliments.

Eventually he just started dropping the mask completely and admitting that he didn't remember a thing about my issues, even though I had been talking to him almost a year at that point. It was at that moment I realized that he had almost no emotional intelligence. Whenever I talked about any situation, he would always be rendered speechless. I don't really have the heart to explain more about the r*** apologist stuff.

What's heart breaking is that I used to love the idea of therapy. How could it possibly be dangerous? Therapists are good emotionally intelligent people, right? But my trust in therapy has been completed violated and destroyed.

I don't want to hate the idea of therapy. I want to get better. But how am I supposed to get over this? How the hell am I supposed to trust therapists again when it would need a therapist to get me to that point?

Literally every video I make now looks absolutely nothing like the reference image. No matter what I do, it changes the scenes completely and puts entirely new characters. I ask for the subjects to walk, they stand still. If I ask for portrait orientation, it gives me landscape mode. It changes the environment as well. I have not been able to make a single usable video in 3 days when before those same prompts used to do exactly what I wanted.

Has anyone else been having issues? Has anyone been able to get a moving scene that looks just like the reference image? My reference images are literally made by Gemini so idk why it hates its own images now.

I've been taking 600 mg of NAC every morning, five days on and two days off, and the side effect of blunting emotions and causing emotional numbness is, quite frankly, amazing.

I get to be emotionally detached from everyone and everything while still remaining active and doing my job properly.

I have become an effective robot. I just get on with my work with no feelings. I still exercise every day, sleep well, eat healthily, get social connection, sunlight, hydration, and time to decompress, and I practice gratitude. But at the same time, I feel detached. It's honestly beautiful.

I know it sounds contradictory, paradoxical, and sociopathic, but why wouldn't you want this form of anhedonia if it helps you be productive, avoid getting caught up in gossip and drama, and just move forward?