u/ComfortablePlate2215

I've learned a lot about the "false self" lately, and I wonder: do we fall in love with avoidants for who they really are, or are we just falling for their false self? It's easy to fall in love with a mask, a version of them that seems perfect, attentive, kind, and so on. But as soon as that mask begins to slip, their flaws start to surface. It's incredibly jarring because, during those first few months, those flaws seemed completely non-existent.

I mean, shit, we are social animals, more or less solitary depending on the person. I need to isolate myself sometimes to recharge my batteries, too. But going as far as fleeing, sabotaging, and destroying the most important feeling inside us?
All this time, this energy, these traumas created, all because of this ridiculous thing! I mean, fuck, why didn't natural selection wipe this trait out once the first hominids started living in groups larger than two? I firmly believe that we are stronger together, that the social bond uniting us is almost sacred. But as for those who are only there to take, and then break that bond once it becomes useless or too demanding. I utterly despise you.

Hi everyone,

I (28M) just got dumped by my girlfriend (23F) after a 6 month relationship. It was very intense at first, but it fizzled out after she failed a major exam crucial for her career.

I suspect she has an avoidant attachment style: her previous relationship record was 5 months, she has an intense need for independence, and after an amazing honeymoon phase, she grew distant. Her emotional investment was close to zero (I was the only one saying "I love you"), and her feelings vanished after her exam failure. On my end, I think I have an anxious attachment style (fear of abandonment, need for reassurance).

The day after the breakup, I wrote her a healthy letter: I accept the situation, I'm not forcing anything, and I stated that my heart remains open but I'm moving forward. She received it today (a week after the breakup), and her response was definitive: her decision is final, move on.

Honestly, I expected it and it barely hurt. Having already gone through a breakup after 4 years with a bipolar ex-fiancée, I’m pretty thick-skinned. In just 7 days, I feel like I've already grieved these 6 promising months. That's life; at least she helped me take the plunge and join the Navy.

I'm currently doing No Contact (she is restricted on Instagram). I'm not waiting for her, but I just have a gut feeling she will reach out again one day.

What should I do if she does come back? I still love her, of course, but I'm fully aware that her behavior is not okay.