What an Avoidant Actually Feels When They Suddenly Pull Away?
Guys, I think I’ve just caught myself experiencing a deactivation moment for the first time, and I want to share it because it might help you understand a little better what avoidant people actually feel when they pull away from you.
I’m fearful-avoidant. Two days ago, I started talking to an old school friend again because I had really missed him. We hadn’t properly talked for almost ten years. We immediately fell into this warm, vulnerable conversation, and I really enjoyed it. I expected the conversation to continue with the same intensity the next day, but my friend apparently decided to slow things down a little and was sending me normal, warm messages instead. I got scared that I was losing the connection, so I sent him another fairly vulnerable message and went to sleep.
In the morning, I got a message from him, but it wasn’t as warm as I had expected. I felt these strange waves inside me beginning to gather and move toward the center of my chest, as if they were about to turn into a sharp burst of pain. I was already waiting for the wave of pain to hit me, but suddenly I lost all sensitivity. The pain never came. It felt almost exactly like anesthesia at the dentist when you’re having a tooth pulled: you can feel that something should hurt, but you can’t actually feel the pain. There was no fear, no pain, no obvious point where I could turn things around. Everything inside simply went numb, and my interest in the person disappeared. It literally happened in a second. I didn’t decide to leave, and I didn’t consciously choose to end the connection — I simply stopped wanting contact.
Right now, I have enough self-awareness not to immediately decide that the other person is bad. But in the past, I probably would have explained the sudden change in my feelings with something like, “Ugh, he’s awful. He’s treating me badly,” and walked away. And I wouldn’t even have been able to explain exactly why I was leaving, because there was no real reason. That wave of pain disappears too quickly, and without emotional awareness and a lot of practice, it can be incredibly difficult to catch it and understand what is actually happening. The pain disappears before you have a chance to recognize it.
I probably would have simply withdrawn and stopped maintaining contact. I just wouldn’t feel any need for the person anymore. And if my friend started trying to get even closer to me or tried to understand why I suddenly became distant, I probably would have blocked him. There is no real reason for the withdrawal. I simply perceived his response as not being warm enough, and that’s it — the process starts. And here’s the really strange part: if he suddenly became warm again right now, I probably wouldn’t experience it as warmth. I would be much more likely to perceive it as an attempt to push his way back into my space. That’s why I can understand why people often advise anxious partners not to chase an avoidant person in this state — giving them some space may allow the numbness to pass before the person makes a decision based entirely on that state.
For now, I’ve decided not to do anything with this reaction. A part of me wants to immediately end the contact and get this person out of my life, while another, smaller part of me doesn’t actually want to lose this connection. This is someone I’ve known for many years, and he has never hurt me or treated me badly. He has always been kind to me and, as far as I can remember, has always been on my side. I think that if there had been a history of him hurting me or treating me badly, the avoidant part of me would probably have won and I would have walked away. But there isn’t one. So I’m trying to hold on to the connection despite the urge to run, and I sent him a neutral message about a movie.
I don’t know how he will perceive it, because compared to our previous conversations, it is definitely much colder. But I really want to preserve this connection, and I’m trying to do it in the way that is available to me right now. Because the alternative, in this state, would be to withdraw completely and stop talking to him. And I don’t want to do that.
I hope sharing this helps people understand the mechanism from the inside a little better. Six months ago, I was dating a fearful-avoidant person and got blocked by him, so I understand, at least to some extent, what it feels like to be on both sides of this dynamic. It really isn’t easy.