u/Individual-Mixture35

I am a little over 2 months post discard. The most traumatic breakup of my life. I am still not feeling human. Yesterday I had a realization that I’m sure many will disagree with. I do not have to go no contact and not say anything out of fear that he won’t come back. If I have to shrink and hide my feelings to get him to walk through the door, I don’t want him. And that’s hard to say because oh my god I wish he would walk through the door. I will not fight, or beg, or blow up his phone, but he doesn’t get to walk away fine without knowing the hurt he caused without a peep from me. So I broke no contact yesterday. I tried to be secure, kind, and direct. I didn’t get everything I needed from talking obviously, but I did gain some insight, and I feel better afterwards for taking control of my life, after torturing myself for 2 months trying to stay quiet.

Would really appreciate some input. My DA and I recently moved and signed a lease, and he discarded me shortly after. Obviously a total blindside. This was 6 weeks ago. He offered to continue paying rent and all utilities for the rest of the lease. A couple weeks ago, I asked him to come over so we can pack his stuff and store it in the garage. He said he would at the end of the summer. I told him that wouldn’t work for me. He then said maybe he could this weekend. Well, this weekend is almost over without a word. He has told me he is sorry for treating me like a stranger and that he isn’t ignoring me, he is just thinking throughout the breakup. I am not going to keep reaching out, but it’s hard to be stuck in a graveyard of our things that we just happily unpacked. I expected to get engaged while living here (because that’s what he alluded to- how silly of me, right?). And yes, I could move his things myself, but I want him to face the consequences of his actions, and we have to decide who gets what. If he can’t stand to be with me, why isn’t he more eager to move on?

Maybe it’s because he knew I was committed to him, but he trusted me to do anything I wanted, which I thought was so healthy at first. But sometimes, I wanted him to care a little more when I got attention from men. He didn’t once get jealous in 4 years of being together, and it made me feel like he didn’t think I was valuable to others. He had also been cheated on, so I guess I just would have expected some… alertness? And I know he really loved me before anyone says he just wasn’t into me.

Anyways, the night before the discard, I ran into an ex I hadn’t seen in years and ended up chatting with him. Nothing bad at all, just catching up. I told my partner as soon as I got home and he didn’t bat an eye. The next day, said ex texted me and we chatted a bit more. I told my partner immediately, and he didn’t care, again. I offered for him to read the messages and he truly didn’t want to.

He swears it has nothing to do with the breakup, but he discarded me an hour later with no explanation other than not seeing a future. Do we think it could have been related? I’m also just curious if anyone else has experienced a DA who doesn’t get jealous, or express jealousy, and if it could be related to the vulnerability and closeness that the emotion requires?

While I was with my DA, we never argued until around 2 years in. Once this started happening, it was when greater commitment was on the horizon and we moved in together. He often told me that he never yelled or got upset with his past partners, and that’s not who he is, and maybe we weren’t right for each other because of it. This made me feel really bad because 9/10 times our arguments were about me wanting reassurance, to be prioritized, and closeness. At the time I didn’t understand the anxious avoidant attachment styles. Anyways, we went to therapy and I worked really hard to give him space and learn how to fight more respectfully. I think I did a good job at trying to meet in the middle. I’m sure he worked hard too. Idk, I guess my question is, from what he told me, I loved him a lot more intensely and was much more committed than previous partners, so could that be the reason I elicited more of an emotional response from him and could the closeness have caused more of a visceral reaction? I understand compatibility is likely a contributing factor, and I have to accept that and can’t blame it all on attachment or him. I certainly was not perfect and didn’t always handle things the right way, but I really tried and he knows that. I just want to know if his avoidance and my strong commitment and wanting more maybe played a role? I really did just want him to love and pick me back, and I’m sad that he felt other partners were easier to love than me.

How did they take it?

My avoidant discarded me out of the blue a week ago. We have 10 months on our lease. Don’t ask me why he signed a lease with me when he apparently was planning to breakup and “doesn’t know if he loves me.” He has offered to pay his portion (more than mine) or sharing or cohabitating. We haven’t made a decision and we pretty much aren’t talking (aside from the generic text he sent yesterday when found out my childhood dog also died this week). I selfishly want him here because I love him so much and it leaves space for hope. I also would feel bad if he was paying while living at his mom’s. How did you deal with logistics with a dismissive avoidant when life is so intertwined?

My partner of 4 years ended things on Saturday, and I genuinely feel blindsided. The night before, he told me he loved me and that he we'd end up together. On Saturday, we went on a beach date and he told me he was "8/10 happy." Nothing happened, there was no argument, no major disagreement, no triggering event. He was a little quiet this week but I was giving space and trying not to spiral. When we got home, he ended the relationship.

We've already survived long distance for 2 years, and I eventually moved across the country to be with him. In April, we finally moved back home together and signed a one-year lease. It felt like such a breath of fresh air. Things weren't perfect, but they felt stable and good. We were starting to talk about buying a house.

What makes this harder is that this isn't the first time he's done something like this, but it feels final now. In the past we did therapy, and I was told by him and our therapist that I had to accept his reassurance, and I worked so hard to do that. He promised he would never do this again and that he would come to me if he was feeling this way.

Yesterday we talked for the first time and he told me “I want to love someone as much as you love me” and “I owe it to myself to listen to my gut.”

Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this textbook? I don’t want to blame it all on his attachment, as I certainly haven’t been perfect, but I have given everything I have and feel thrown away. I feel helpless and tricked.