r/Marriage

I need to get this out somewhere because I have no family nearby and her parents look the other way every time I bring it up.

My wife is a SAHM to our 5-year-old. She has Contamination OCD. About a year ago she started therapy and I was hopeful. Around session 8 or 10, the therapist suggested I come in too — pretty standard for this stuff, since I'm the one living with the accommodations. She ended therapy that week. Hasn't been back.

Since then, life is this:

• The whole family follows her handwashing rules. I'll shower upstairs, walk downstairs, and have to wash my hands again. Everyone does, all day.
• We go through about two boxes of wipes a day and a full refill bottle of hand soap a day. I keep a mental tally and it eats at me.
• Our dishwasher panel has been busted for 3 months. I can't fix it because bringing tools into the house sets off the OCD, and weekends are off-limits — she considers weekends her recovery from doing childcare M–F, so projects aren't allowed then either.
• We pay for 2 days/week of preschool. For the last 6 months she's sent our daughter one day a week, consistently — the school day "wipes her out" the next day. We're paying for a day that doesn't happen.
• She hasn't used a towel in 6 years. She walks dripping from the shower into her closet and stands there. The carpet in that closet is gone. Every handle in there is busted. Cabinets around the house are warping from being constantly wiped down wet.
• I only get to do laundry in the mornings before I leave for work. Not any other time.
• We don't sleep in our bedroom. Haven't for a long time. We sleep on couches. I pay the mortgage on a three-bedroom house and sleep on a couch in it. Intimacy is gone. Has been gone.
• On days she does school pickup, it takes her hours to shower afterward. I sit in the garage and drink beers because the garage is the one room in my own house where I'm not breaking a rule.

I work full-time. I'm the sole income. When I push back on any of it, the line I get is "don't argue, I want peace." And I keep telling her — if peace means I comply with things that don't make sense, that's not peace, that's me disappearing.

I love her. Some days I don't know if I do anymore, I can't tell which it is. I'm exhausted in a way I didn't know was possible. Some of the thoughts I've been having scare me. I haven't done anything, I won't, but the fact that my brain is going to those places at all is the reason I'm finally writing this down.

I know "get her into therapy" is the obvious answer. I tried. She walked the second the therapist asked me to join. I don't know what the move is when the person won't get treated and the disorder is running the household.

Has anyone been on the other side of this? Spouse with untreated OCD, family accommodation so deep you couldn't see out of it — how did you get through, or get out, or get them back into treatment?

Hey everyone, I am 29yo and mom to a 7 months old baby boy. I met my husband about two years ago and got married 4 months later, I want honest opinions from other mums because I genuinely don’t know anymore if I’m overreacting or not.

Before marriage and before having a baby, my husband was completely different. He was affectionate, patient, attentive, and emotionally present. I used to finish work at 2am sometimes, and he would still wait for me just to spend time together ,take me out. He was caring and involved.

After having our baby, his behaviour changed massively.

Since the baby was born:

• He started working 6–7 days a week and leaves almost all baby care to me day and night.

• He rarely wakes up during the night with the baby.

• I completely lost time for myself. No gym, no hair appointments, no nails, no basic self-care anymore.

• Even while exhausted from looking after the baby all day and night, there was still an expectation for intimacy at night as if nothing changed physically or mentally for me.

• Whenever I speak about wanting to return to work or build a new career later on, arguments start.

• I worked for 8 years before becoming a mum and always planned to continue progressing professionally.

• He repeatedly says that because he works “for the family,” I shouldn’t need to work for myself.

• When I explain that I also have goals and ambitions as a person, he says I should have done that before marriage or before having a child.

• He has implied that maybe I wasn’t ready to become a mother because I still want a career and independence.

• Recently, he has started picking big arguments over things like not waking up early to prepare him breakfast before work.

• During arguments, he says things like “be a wife,” “ask your family what a wife should be,” and compares me to “other women.”

• He says he doesn’t want our son going to nursery, but at the same time he runs a full-time business himself, which makes it difficult for me to realistically return to work.

• During arguments, he says things like “if you think the grass is greener elsewhere, go” or “if you think you can find someone better than me, go ahead.”

• Recently during an argument, he repeatedly shouted at me and called me “a piece of shit.”

• During hospital visits after birth, when I was crying, instead of comforting me he told me to “get your shit together before the nurses think something is wrong and take your son away.”

• After giving birth, when I was emotionally struggling and crying frequently, he often ignored it instead of sitting with me or supporting me.

• When I started therapy, he said I didn’t need therapy and refused involvement when the therapist wanted to speak to him.

• He also often turns conversations into long lectures about everything I’m doing wrong rather than discussing the issue itself.

About 10 days ago, we had a major argument which was the moment I finally said I had enough and mentioned separation/divorce for the first time.

Some of the things he said during that argument were:

• “There’s different levels to my anger.”

• “Before it goes to level two and it’s uncontrollable…”

• “You need to fix yourself before you can bring happiness to this house again.”

• “You’re being miserable, you’re making me miserable.”

• “Either fix yourself or set me free.”

• “Next time, learn how to treat your husband with respect.”

• “Rule number one is be respectful to your husband.”

• “Be caring to your husband, look out for your husband.”

• “You don’t even ask me for breakfast.”

• “You shout at me, argue with me, defend yourself, and do tantrums.”

• “Your head has gone.”

• “Don’t push me to level two.”

• “I can equally be horrible.”

• “Taste of your own medicine.”

• “Shut up. Just go cook.”

He also repeatedly told me to ask my own mother and his mother “what a wife should be” and said I should “measure” myself against that.

The biggest change happened after I mentioned divorce.

Since then:

• He suddenly became much nicer.

• He started waking up with the baby sometimes.

• He became softer and more affectionate.

• He started saying things like “don’t ever mention divorce again,” “we can never split up,” and “even if things get hard, we stay together for our son.”

• He started saying he would help with childcare if I work.

• At the same time, he still says he refuses nursery, which realistically makes things harder for me if I want to rebuild my career.

Something that also confuses me is that image and status seem extremely important to him. He often talks about being better than other people because he owns property, businesses, money, etc. He also seems very concerned about not having a second divorce.

I’ve also noticed that he speaks aggressively not only to me, but sometimes to his mother and sister as well.

I know every story has two sides and I know I’m not perfect either. I just genuinely want honest outside opinions from women and mothers because I can’t tell anymore what’s normal relationship struggles after a baby and what crosses into emotionally unhealthy behaviour. And also scared to split up and not being able to care for my son financially due to childcare. So many worries and thoughts comes to my mind!! I am feeling so overwhelmed and finding it hard to go back to normal this time around!!

Last part is figurative obviously 🙃.
I had beautiful hair to my waist before. It was black and my natural is light brown. I went through a quarter life crisis last year and decided I missed my natural hair. I used ai editing apps to see what my hair would look like grown out and it is absolutely stunning and 10 times better than my long black hair was. I know I could have just dyed it but I really wanted my natural colour precisely. It is light brown with blonde highlights. I just feel like it couldn’t be achieved by a hairdresser the same and I wouldn’t have the same colour as my kids who got my natural colour. We also are not in the financial position to afford to bleach my hair multiple times (what it would of took to remove all the black) + dye it from the bleached colour when it is waist length.

I cut it in October last year to my breasts and he didn’t love it but tolerated it. Last month was when I done the big chop to my chin. Edited to add, the only reason I chopped it more (I didn’t want to) as there was still a lot of black left on the ends so it was a final Cut to get the remaining bit out. His affection seems very performative lately and intimacy he will reject over the stupidest things. Today it was because the house smelled 😂. We were out all day and all the windows were shut. Not sure what a house should smell like in that instinct.

I just don’t know where to go from here? This guy is balding in one part of his head and I have never made him feel less than. At one point he was 117kgs (he is short) and I still made love to him constantly. I just feel so heart broken that I’m finding out after 9 years together and 3 kids how superficial he is. I could have gotten cancer tomorrow and this is how he would have carried on if I needed to have chemo etc. People don’t have to keep the same look as when you first meet them, I’m not sure how that gives people the right to change how they treat you.

For reference, I always tie my hair up anyways so it’s not like it’s in his face this short bob. It’s literally tied up in a bun. I feel heartbroken. We were literally about to move across the country together away from family to have a fresh start with our kids.

I want to be buried when I die. I'm Iranian-American, my family are very Americanized, non-practicing "Muslims". So... I guess religiously, but moreso culturally, we prefer burial.

My husband on the other hand is cheap (with certain things but mostly everything lol) and that's the only reason he's cited as wanted to be cremated lol. His grandpa was cremated. His dad wants to be cremated and therefore he wants to be cremated.

Idk, I just always thought that husbands and wives should be buried next to one another and that families/kids come visit them together. What do you do when 1 person wants to be buried and the other cremated? Bring dad's ashes to visit mom's grave

This is my fist reddit post, so please be kind 😄

My husband (40M) and I (37F) have been together for 8 years, married for 6. No children.

The beginning of our relationship was already difficult. His ex-girlfriend (who is known around here for being a bit unstable) accused him of hitting her. Later, she moved close to us and would sometimes stalk me during evening walks with my dogs. When I asked him for support, he got irritated and told me I was being dramatic, so I had to deal with it alone. Eventually it stopped after she supposedly got a new boyfriend.

He also does not help around the house at all. If I ask him to simply clean up after himself, he gets annoyed and tells me how “annoying” I am. He says that almost daily. Meanwhile, he is unbelievably messy. Clothes all over the bathroom floor because he’s too lazy to put them on a shelf. If he spills food or dirt, he leaves it there. He permanently has around 10 half empty water bottles next to his side of the bed. I could go on forever...

In addition to this, I pay for almost everything. The house is mine and in my name. I pay for repairs, furniture, vet bills, dog food for the dogs we got together. You name it - i payed for it. He pays for his own food and only cooks for himself. However, he always has money for good clothes and an expensive luxury gym membership. (I do earn more money than him.)

He’s also always been very interested in other women. Even on dates, I’d catch him staring at them. He keeps following tons of women on social media and likes all their pictures. When I brought it up, he said he just finds them “aesthetic” and enjoys looking at them.

He also has major anger issues and screams at me a lot. Therapy helped somewhat, and the screaming became less extreme after he started medication. He quit therapy but stayed on the medication. We tried couples therapy too, but the therapist said he needed to work on himself first before couples therapy could really help.

Still, the thing I cannot live with anymore is the lying. He lies constantly — even about pointless things. Some examples: He told me he walked the dogs in the morning when he hadn’t. He was on sick leave and promised not to go to the gym so he wouldn’t risk losing his job if someone saw him there. Someone still saw him there. A woman at my gym mentioned she knew him and that they had recently been messaging. When I asked to see the messages, he completely freaked out. Later, I saw the reflection of his phone in the window at night and noticed him deleting messages before turning around and showing me an “empty” chat. Food in the house mysteriously disappears, but even if he’s literally the only other person here, he still denies touching it.

And now we get to the coffee. He never used to drink coffee before. Yesterday he put a takeaway mug next to the coffee machine. I casually asked if he was planning to start drinking coffee in the mornings. No problem if he does, why would I care. I had only noticed my coffee disappearing much faster lately. He told me he now drank coffee at work. This morning, the water tank I had filled the night before was empty, and the coffee machine was still hot. There was also a huge pile of dirt on the floor he had once again ignored. And I just… snapped. Why lie about something so small and stupid? Why lie ALL the time? Obviously he thinks I am the problem, when i confront him. I am overreacting, being annoying and dramatic. Maybe i am. But when I touched that still-hot coffee machine, I suddenly realized how exhausted I am from constantly questioning reality over the smallest things. I feel like I’m paying for a grown man’s lifestyle, cleaning up after him like he’s a child, getting screamed at, being called annoying, and then getting lied to on top of it. It's the disrespect that's making me so sad and angry. I am really thinking about divorce. Am i overreacting?

EDIT: I am incredibly moved and thankful for all the answers. This is my first Reddit post and I hope I am doing this right, but here is an edit to answer some of the questions.

Why am I with him / why did I marry him? Before this relationship I left a very long relationship where my partner cheated on me and basically had a whole second relationship behind my back. It completely destroyed my self worth, as many people in the comments already guessed. When I met my husband, he gave me a lot of love and attention. Looking back maybe it was love bombing, but at the time it felt amazing. We spent so much time together, he was attentive, affectionate and kind. It just slowly became less and less over time.

He still has good moments, which is also why everything feels so confusing. He will pick me up after dinner with friends, although he rarely joins anymore. He cooked me pasta when I was sick. One day he can make me laugh and the next make me cry.

Some additional information: I do earn significantly more money than he does. He was diagnosed with depression, so I also felt guilty and protective towards him. He has never seriously physically hurt me. The only physical incident was him pushing me through an open door once when he was acting crazy and I did not want him to come inside. I also don’t actually think he is cheating on me, although maybe I am naive. He never threatens to leave my and the attention he gives to other women is something he tries to keep a secret.

Some of the comments were honestly quite harsh and scary to read, because they made me feel like maybe I unintentionally misrepresented this relationship. BUT all of this things DID happen and ARE happening. Reading everything back also makes me feel incredibly stupid and naive. But i absolutely needed to hear it. I don't want to defend myself, because i am obviously THIS stupid, however, I think anyone who has ever been in a relationship like this understands that when you are inside of it, things are not nearly as clear as people from the outside think they are. It is the constant ups and downs and the way someone can slowly pull you back in again. I also know that I am not perfect. I always try to stay empathetic and understanding. I don’t want this relationship to take away my kindness. Maybe some people see that as weakness, but I also think it is one of my strengths. I alone am responsible for the way I choose to act and i don't want to be a bad person.

Thank you again for all the kindness so many of you have shown me.

He doesn’t use Reddit. He asked me how its used and I showed him from my phone, there are pages like this etc etc. He asked me which ones im following. I showed him r/relationshipadvice . Maybe I did wrong idk. He clicked my profile and wanted to checked some of my posts. His English is not so well so he just checked the titles and I don’t know how much he understood. There is nothing wrong in my posts, its just there is a few conflicted moments in our relationship I asked Redditors opinions. He wanted to read them fully but I didnt allow. I just felt really uncomfortable, I think this place is like a diary. It’s quite personal.

What are your take on this? Would you ler your partner read your posts?

I think my posts are open to public. You guys can check what do I have, I dont have many posts either.

This is more of a vent session because I have no one to tell all of this to.
I (56F) have been with my husband (61M) for 35 years. 2 grown kids and 4 grandchildren. We have always been very close as a family. He is Hispanic, I grew up in MO. So lots of cultural differences in all aspects of our relationship.
We have always had our own business so I was always able to stay home and take care of kids and the house. I have always been and am still very active in our business. I am just at a point that I want to start living for me and enjoying things that make me happy. Maybe that is selfish but I feel like after raising my kids, mostly by myself because my husband was/is a workaholic that I need to focus on me now.
I have been on a weightloss journey and have lost nearly 75 pounds in last year. I had some major dental work done and am working on myself physically, as feel like I was more worried about everyone else for all those years.
My libido has increased the last year also and he is going down and he will not address the issues with that, he just ignores it. Right now we are on a 3 month dry spell as he is just not interested or so it seems. For nearly 2 months he does not get under the blankets he lays on top and covers up with “his blanket”. I try dressing sexier for him, wear lingerie and nothing gets his attention. I am at the point that everything he does aggravates me, From how he dresses to how he chews. We never go to dinner or anywhere just us. If it doesn’t involve our kids and grandkids going he won’t go. He hates vacations and going places. Again it always has to involve our kids or it’s a no go.
I am just irritated at my marriage at this point. It would devastate my children if I left him at this point in our lives. Thank you of you have read this far. Just needed to tell someone how I feel as I have no one I can tell my feelings to.
Not sure if I’m looking for advice or comfort but just needed to spill it. Again thanks for listening.

Last Monday my husband got off work at 4pm . Go to a Walmart parking lot at 4:20 and home at 5:20. During that time my calls were ignored but I had his location so I could see where he was .

He came home and said at 4 his phone turned completely off ( iphone 12 pro max ) once it came back on everything was gone . His photos / apps ect. Factory reset . He was on the phone with someone but I have no clue who , he told me apple support but idk .

5 k gone from accounts . Accounts for one pay and chime were made . Using our address and one pay used his passcode same as phone passcode . He swears he didn't download these or sign up.

5k was sent off to cash up which was then used for p2p Bitcoin exchanges . Chime accounts. And then a zelle to a person we don't know . He was locked out of every app / social media . Someone took over his Instagram and ironically blocked me . His emails never has login information for that day as far as I can see .

This was 10 days ago and I still can't understand any of it . All payments were made from 4:40-5 pm . When he wasn't home . It just seems fishy to me but I don't have proof and there's proof he was hacked with a chime ( could be mistaken for another app ) but they said he login in another state using an iphone 13 ( which we don't have ) . As well as Instagram messages being sent when he wasn't even using the phone .

All his messages are deleted . His call logs from 4:40-5:30 are missing . Can someone give me insight ? I've tried asking him but he swears he was hacked and non of this is him and that he didn't give personal information or codes over the phone ect .

I’m just typing all this out so I can get it off my chest and hopefully get some advice and/or hear from others who have been through phases like this…

As the title states, I’m a 29 year old husband and dad of two that is completely burnt out. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and are generally happy. We own our home, and have a 2.5 y.o. son and 11 month old daughter. I work a very stressful job that has its perks, but demands a lot from me. My wife stays at home with our kids and is a really good mom to them - attentive, caring, and genuinely does her best. I do as much as I can to lighten her load so that she doesn’t get burnt out, however I don’t think that sentiment is being reciprocated.

Examples of my duties around the house include: I do the dishes after dinner every single night, I do bath time for the kids, I put our eldest to bed, I do ALL nighttime kid duty which has been CONSTANT for the 2.5 years. Our baby slept wonderfully right until the point that her brother finally started sleeping through the night when he turned 2, at which point she is up multiple times per night. I also wake up early on the weekends and let my wife sleep in. This is every weekend, and the favor is never offered to me in return.

My job is nice in that I work 4, 10-hr days, so I get a 3 day weekend every week. The downside to our situation is that we only have one vehicle that is ours, I have a work truck that can be used to run errands and such during the work week within reason (and obviously for work related tasks), but we can’t use it on the weekends. So, often on the weekends my wife will say she needs a break from the kids and go out to shop or have coffee with her friends and leaves me at home. I am generally okay with this because I want her to have a social life, as being around babies all day is draining. My problem is becoming, though, that I rarely, if ever, get this opportunity. I’ve expressed this and she agrees in the moment, but if I ever have something that comes up as an opportunity she acts weird like I’m abandoning her and the kids “during the only time I get to spend time with them”.

I can go into more detail if anybody wants me to, but that is the gist of it. Am I crazy for feeling burnt out? Anybody dealt with anything similar, and if so, how’d you deal with it?

why?

My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs. We have three kids 5 and under, youngest is 6 months old. Since our youngest was born our relationship has felt so disconnected and sex hasn’t been the same.

Postpartum/breastfeeding hormones have caused a major decrease in my libido. Not only that, sex hurts, almost every time we’ve had sex since I gave birth, it’s caused micro tears or just terrible discomfort. I’ve talked to my obgyn about it. I’m not too worried because I know it’ll improve when I stop breastfeeding. My husband doesn’t know because I don’t tell him, I just push through the pain or try my best to avoid him. I know it’s immature, but I really don’t want to talk to him about it. It’s very uncomfortable for me.

He made a comment when I was about 2 months pp about how it would be really good for him if I got on birth control. I’ve been very adamant that I hate how it makes me feel, have tried it in the past and that he can use condoms. He gets all mopey and says he doesn’t want to use condoms for the rest of his life and that it ruins sex. So he either pulls out during sex or forgoes sex entirely instead of wearing a condom.

I might be willing to set aside my discomfort if I knew he were going to get a vasectomy when we decide we are finished having kids but he also refuses to even consider that. I just feel like I am expected to make all these sacrifices with my body for his comfort when I don’t even care about sex right now. I’m having a really hard time getting past his comment too. Every time he complains about not having sex, I think of his comment. I don’t know how to get past any of this. I’ve told him that I found his comment incredibly offensive and he said I should take it as a compliment that he is so attracted to me that he wants me to get on birth control so we can have sex all the time.

Me (25M) and my wife (25F) are going into 2 years of marriage. Deep down I love her and I know she loves me deeply, too.

I feel destroyed and ashamed most times because my wife blames me for almost everything, saying sharp and mean terms although I never shouted nor say bad things about her. I feel like i am the only thing that gets in the way between her and happiness.

She said that I am an unresponsible man, although I fulfill her needs and try my best to fulfill her wants too. She said that she is tired of a man who doesn't know what to do, although I always try to propose how things can go. She say bad things about my parents, saying that everything happens because they didn't teach me enough how to build a family, although they both love her really much.

At times she says that she loves me, I'm the best husband, I'm her lover... but when she screams and shout it's as if she hates me for everything I am, so the next time she says she loves me I don't believe her 100%. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes (and I apologize to her 99999x times), and I still try to make everything work out. But my heart hurts a lot everytime she says bad things and shouts at me.

Until now, i always decide to be patient. Not shouting back, trying to understand everything that she's mad of, what she wants, etc. And I always blame myself to for everything. I often think maybe my death is the only path for her to be happy, I think maybe my existence in the first place only makes a hole of misery for her heart, and if I can turn back time I wouldn't want us to meet and fall in love 💔

We’ve been married since 2020 with a 10-year age gap, and we have a 10-month-old daughter. Before marriage my wife liked me, and after marriage she fell in love with me. The first few years were good, although we also went through a miscarriage.

Later I became heavily focused on work, earning money, and chasing our dreams. I also spent more time with friends and didn’t give my wife enough attention.

Around 2023, she became close to a male friend from Instagram. I noticed she was getting emotionally attached and asked her to stop. She agreed, but continued secretly.

Eventually I found out she had fallen in love with him. They never met in person; everything was online through calls, video calls, and intimate conversations.

I asked her to choose because I couldn’t accept being between two relationships. She chose me and said she wanted to end things with him, but kept delaying it. The other guy even wanted to marry her.

Now he mostly ignores her. She says she doesn’t want to leave me, but also says she can’t let him go.

Things became worse emotionally. She even took sleeping pills once, and I rushed her to the hospital. She told me: “I can’t see you like this. You don’t deserve this, you’re a good man. I’m a bad woman. I love him, but I can’t leave you.”

My question: Can someone truly move on from an online emotional affair and fall back in love with their spouse?

Wondering if you guys can point me in the right direction, I don't even really know what to search for.

Wife and I are extremely toxic.

We both have our issues (I'll say that, she never will... Which IMO is an issue lol).

Neither of us want a divorce but neither is happy at all. We barely speak, and when we do it's 'score keeping' and a ton of tit-for-tat type back and forth. Never ever any productive or mature conversation.

Anyhow we tried two different couples therapist. One flaked out after about 8 visits. The other decided it is not productive and he'd rather not work with us.

Very scary that even the professionals are avoiding us :(

He said we don't need a therapist we need a referee. Says there is deep rooted resentment and trauma, piled on top of unresolved childhood traumas

So my question, is there like a next level? I feel like we need a mediator of sorts. We literally can't have a conversation that is productive, every one of them gets tossed all around with different blame games and other childish antics.

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Hi My wife 46F and I 45M have been together for 22 years, and I'm afraid i might be coming to an end it would be my fault. For the last five months, things have been incredibly difficult. We can't seem to communicate without it turning into an argument, and honestly, I know I'm to blame for a lot of it.

I've been withdrawing from everything and everyone. I'm just so fed up and feel broken. I've even forgotten the good things in my life. I have an amazing wife and two wonderful kids who I love more than anything. My wife has been trying to fix things, but I've been so stressed and in such a bad headspace that I haven't been taking the chances to work on our marriage. I've never acted this way before, and I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't want to lose my wife. She's still by my side, trying her best, but I'm too clouded to change, and it's worrying me. We've built a really nice life together, and I'd be devastated to lose it all.

anyone been through something similar What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm desperate to turn things around before it's too late.

So I was just discussing with my husband how when I was small and my parents had me tested they were told I’m dyslexic and had Asperger’s syndrome, however they never told me about the Asperger’s diagnosis. He flippantly said “oh so let’s not tell her she’s retarded, that’s helpful” now he laughed and I just kinda stopped talking. Now I’m thinking a lot about it and feel pretty shitty… I have no friends to talk to so I’m just wondering what other people would do?

So, we have been married for a few years. My wife has a kid with her ex husband, they were married for a lot longer, and they talk in the phone throughout the week.

Thing is, its 90% not about the kid, he is not around and doesn't visit the kid, is not involved, and even missed their birthday party.

I told her how I was feeling about it a few times before, how uncomfortable it made me feel, like she was emotionally cheating, and she said that she just couldn't understand it, that to her it meant nothing and he was just a friend.

The guy was a terrible partner, cheated on her a lot, and made a comment once that made me feel like he was still interested in her, she showed me the text and laughed about it. She says that she is not interested and she just keeps the relationship with him for the kid, so they are not like strangers. She also said that she doesn't have many friends and that they have known each other for over a decade and its easy to talk to him because they are not a couple anymore.

Thing is, the guy is a cheater, even cheated on multiple partners he has had throughout the years and told her about it, she gives him "advice" and stuff.

I do believe that my wife loves me, but the fact that its so difficult for her to drop the relationship with such a terrible human being that adds no value to no one's life just feels like a red flag, like she is having him there in the back drawer to feel wanted by someone else, or for the attention, the things they shared before, the familiarity, or whatever the hell it is. However, it just feels like cheating to me.

Now, I don't quite think that she will ever drop this, and I have been thinking that my only option is either face 50 years of this shit, or divorce her.

I know that I have my issues and I can see things that are not there, if it wasn't for this I would've probably expressed more discomfort about this. This just doesn't feel appropiate, to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that was so close and so emotionally charged at one point, and that is definitely not a respectful and decent person, but the opposite, based on very disturbing things about his cheating endeavours she has told me before.

I'm not hating on her for this, I understand that she doesn't have many friends, but I also need to be honest with myself, and I can't do this long term.

I just want honest opinions, not extremes, no drama, just honest opinions about how this looks from the outside.

I’m over 50 years old, and for quite some time I’ve been trying to understand whether what I feel is normal, or if there’s simply something wrong with me.

From the outside, my life probably looks completely normal. Financial stability, a shared life, someone you can rely on in difficult situations. We function well as a team. The problem is that I no longer feel any real closeness between us.

And honestly, it’s not even just about sex anymore. The last time we were intimate was probably around a year ago. And what I remember most from it are comments like “just finish already” rather than any kind of warmth or mutual desire. After hearing things like that, something inside you slowly shuts down. Eventually you stop even wanting to try.

I think the hardest part is feeling lonely while still being in a relationship. The lack of touch, hugs, affection, a kiss for no reason, or simply feeling wanted by the other person. Over time you start feeling more like roommates than partners.

We’ve talked about it many times. Dozens of conversations. Calmly, honestly, without fighting. Nothing changed. And I think I’ve reached a point where I no longer have the strength to start the same conversation over and over again.

Lately I’ve started thinking about something that would have sounded absurd to me a few years ago. Is it really so wrong to crave simple human closeness from another person? Conversation, warmth, a hug, feeling seen and wanted. I’m not looking for affairs or meaningless sex. I’m honestly just trying to understand whether a person can live like this for another 10 or 15 years without slowly dying inside.

What surprised me the most after finding this community is realizing how many people feel exactly the same way. For years I thought maybe I was overreacting or expecting too much. But maybe this isn’t really about having a “high libido.” Maybe it’s simply about a very human need for closeness and connection.

I’d also genuinely appreciate hearing from women. I’m really trying to understand both sides of this and not look at everything only through my own pain or frustration. I’d like to know how women experience situations like this, and what it feels like to be on the other side of such emotional distance.

My (F29) husband (M30) and I will be married 8 years next month. We have a two year old daughter.

My husband just seems to hate me so much. Everything I do seems to upset him. I endlessly make mistakes and add so much frustration and inconvenience to his life. I feel like such a failure and like there’s something wrong with me. Like I just am completely incapable of generating or sustaining a loving relationship. I feel totally incapable of pleasing my husband and I think I’ve destroyed our marriage entirely.

I’ve never cheated, never spent money he didn’t know about, always been the breadwinner, supported him through 7 years of college. I manage our finances, pay the bills (he contributes a lot to our mortgage, pays $180 every two weeks for daycare and $200 towards his car payment but I pay the rest) and I cook most nights. I do all of the grocery shopping and home purchasing. I buy and stock all of the diapers and other supplies for our daughter. I’ve always worked full time, I watch our daughter one day a week while I work remotely. My husband works 4 days a week and watches her 2 days a week when he isn’t working. He does do chores around the house and I think he probably does 60% of the kitchen. I do all the laundry except for his, all the floors and bathrooms, and our daughters room. I do the majority of the cooking and my husband usually requests a nightly dessert as well. I do clean the kitchen daily as well.

I paid for all of my husbands college (undergrad and private grad school) and I paid off his first car. I paid 100% of the bills for myself and our daughter for her birth on my own (I would be surprised if my husband knew this. I never hid it but never advertised it. I just setup a payment plan from my checkings and he never asked about the bills) I do try to contribute and pull my weight. That is my intention although I know intention isn’t the same as impact.

My husband says that I’ve destroyed all trust and faith he ever had in me. I keep making small mistakes and they have built up for him over time. For example, today he needed help filling out a W4. He FaceTimed me at work and I couldn’t read the form right and I misunderstood a question and gave him the wrong answer. I told him that before he submitted the W4. But the damage was already done. He couldn’t figure out how to change the answer and said I added to his to-do list and made him look completely incompetent to his new employer because now he’ll have to ask for their help in correcting the form. He made it clear that we’ve been fighting lately because of my actions and inactions and that I’m destroying our relationship. He doesn’t want to talk to me the rest of the day and when I get home I’m to take over care for our daughter and take care of dinner for her and myself while he goes to the basement to be alone.

Another example, when I was pregnant he wanted me to do the genetic testing that was offered. They asked me if I wanted that billed to insurance and I said sure. I didn’t know they’d send a bill for $10k to my insurance and the out of pocket cost was only $250. My husband screamed at me on his knees and said that I should have done research beforehand, I was so careless and incompetent, and I would need to get a second job because he wouldn’t pay a cent towards that bill or allow any money from a shared account to go towards it. My insurance rejected the bill and I only got billed for the $250 in the end. So nothing came of it. But my lack of foresight caused a huge fight.

Another time I started a new job during the winter and my car battery died in the parking garage. My coworker tried to jump start it and couldn’t so they gave me a ride home. Roadside wouldn’t help because it was in a parking garage. So my husband had to drive to my work the next day to jumpstart my car. He was so upset at me, just yelling. He said everyone knew not to park on the bottom level of a parking garage when it was cold and I could have avoided all of this if I had remembered that. But because of how forgetful or ignorant I was, I created a major inconvenience on him and stole time away from his day off by forcing him to come out and jump my car battery.

My family has also been a huge problem in our marriage. Both my brothers have moved in with us at different times, not at the same time. My oldest brother moved in for about a month until he found a new place. My youngest is currently living with us. My dad was killed a few years ago and my mom found a new husband across the country. She moved to him and didn’t want to take my underaged brother. At the time, my husband was very supportive of my brother coming to live with us as he felt my brother didn’t have anyone. But now, he says that I’ve constantly prioritized my family over him and am trying to recreate my childhood home. Which isn’t true at all, my childhood home was miserable and dysfunctional. I’m very confused by this because my husband was onboard with both of them living with us when we discussed it. But now says that I forced it on him. I didn’t feel like I did but maybe I was so eager to take care of them that I ignored my husbands signals. But my husband says he doesn’t trust me so he doesn’t believe it when I say that. He also says I can’t read him and can’t anticipate his needs or when to say or not say something.

If I order food and something is left off of his order, another way I’ve failed him. If I leave the drive thru without checking his bag, another way I’m not attentive and don’t care about his needs. If he asks me to bring down his phone charger and I forget, another way that I don’t care about him. If I cared, I would have remembered. It feels like I’m constantly making these little forgetful mistakes no matter how hard I try. But they’re HUGE mistakes to my husband and all evidence of deep character flaws in me. I cry very easily which makes him very frustrated. He says it derails the entire conversation and seeing me cry does nothing to him emotionally.

It feels like his ideal life would be living in a cabin where he can make sure nothing unexpected ever happens and no one else lives there. Ideally, I think he’d prefer to not know me in anyway. My husband says I’ve made him into an indentured servant and that I refuse to pull my weight around the house or with childcare. On paper, I don’t see how that’s possibly true. But I suppose that doesn’t matter because I can never seem to convince him of that. So maybe he’s right and I’m just in denial to try and protect my self-image.

Growing up, my parents both HATED each other. My dad would accuse my mom of being demon possessed, my mom would destroy my dad’s prized possessions. Days and days of endless yelling arguments. All I wanted was a peaceful relationship where I was loved gently. But I think I’ve caused so much resentment in my husband through my thoughtlessness and general poor performance as a wife that it may be impossible for us. Maybe the best thing I can do is offer him a divorce so he can have freedom and happiness. I don’t think I’m capable of being in a long term relationship that produces joy or happiness in my partner. I just don’t think I have that spark in me. It all just makes me want to run away from myself and wish I was a different person.

I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years. I have taken care of all of my step kids needs at the drop of a hat. Every day I’m taking my step kids or our kids somewhere, It’s endless. I don’t have moments to myself with 7 kids. And I’m at the point that I think I’m just a convenience not someone he loves. Once he told someone “Talk to her about scheduling she doesn’t do anything all day.” And that hurt a lot. I do all the cooking, cleaning, take out the trash, go to every school event, schedule every doctor or dentist. I fix things around the house and sometimes mow the lawn. He works over time every week and takes care of the money “because it would be to stressful for me”. He also doesn’t want me having a job because then we couldn’t take care of all the kids needs. When he is home I do 99% of the parenting AND on top of that he wants me to “help” him with one person jobs. Today I helped with the lawn even though we have a 5 month old to take care of I had to come help because he can’t do it on his own. He wanted me to lift a large wooden board (that he put there months ago) so he could mow that spot. I did and aunts rained down all down my arms. They where everywhere my hair my legs my bra. I panicked and started frantically brushing them off as they bit me. Did he help? No he sat on the lawn mower and commented and made jokes. Oh well did he at least check on me? Of course not. I always wished one day I would be treated as someone that was delicate and precious. But Because I was never the tiny skinny girl, people forced me to do manual labor growing up it just has always been something I have had to do. But I’m just so tired. I know I should leave but my kids wouldn’t have a stable environment if I did. I don’t have a college degree or useful trade. I also genuinely just think I’m unlovable so what’s the point. I’m sorry about any misspelling or grammar issues. I’m writing this crying during a middle of the night feeding and I’m very tired.