r/Marriage

Two days ago I was in the backseat with my baby when my husband’s friend sent him nudes if a girl he’s probably seeing. I saw them and he tried to hide the phone. He didn’t deny it when I told him I saw

We go upstairs and I tell him, you tell me to come home before sunset, tell me to always tie my hair, not wear makeup, wear baggy clothes, then you’re out here getting these pics and living a hypocritical life. I said, you have no say in what I do anymore it’s none of your business.

He then replies and says that’s because you’re not raised well. I said, eat shit, he replied with you eat shit. I’ll step on your neck while looking like he was gonna jump on me.

Mind you he lifts heavy weights is built big and in six months postpartum holding my baby.

Anyways I call my parents and tell them what happened. And then call his dad and tell him.

He then yells at my parents and tells them it’s her fault I was just replying to what she said. He then insinuates that he didn’t come to them in the beginning of our marriage, when we had issues and says he has recordings of me - insinuating that I hv sec tapes or smth- which is a total lie. I stayed quiet for the rest of the night because I realized he was a dangerous liar

Anyways, it’s been two days now. Yesterday, I told him I want a divorce. We’ve been arguing about many other things including in-law drama ( his parents- specifically his mom and sister)

And so much more

I want to leave this man

There’s no way I’m overreacting to this

Yesterday he tried to bribe me and say I’ll give you money to stay/ let’s go on vacation right now. And changes two diapers and plates with our baby without being asked to for the first time EVER.

I don’t want to be manipulated and I truly feel like he’s a dangerous lying man.

I (32F) got married last week to the love of my life (36M). I am a 32 year old virgin - I wanted to wait till marriage for religious reasons. We have tried multiple times since our wedding but we haven't been able to consummate the marriage and I am devastated.

My husband describes a 'pinch point' close to the opening of the vagina which means that he cannot penetrate beyond 2cm or so and any attempts are very painful for me. I don't feel tense, I'm excited for us to have sex, we've tried lots of lubricant but we cannot advance further. We tried inserting a finger which is fine, but two fingers is not which makes me think that this isn't to do with the hymen.

I've tried making an appointment with the GP in case there's something anatomically wrong with me but the next appointment is in 8 weeks! (I'm in the UK).

My husband is nothing but kind and loving but I know this will lead to resentment if I can't sort this - neither of us signed up for a sexless marriage!

Any help, insight, advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\\\_advice/s/55m2YoioXz

Well, you guys convinced me that something was definitely up. And unfortunately, you were right.

My wife went to bed, but I still wasn't feeling okay about the whole situation. I went upstairs and told her I wanted to see her phone. I told her that the whole "principle" argument was bullshit at this point. She said she'd let me look if I could promise her that we'd be okay afterward. I told her I obviously couldn't promise that before knowing what I was going to find, and that I just wanted to look at the phone.

She stood her ground, so I stormed out and slammed the door, which is extremely out of character for me.

She came running downstairs after me and told me I could look through her phone. She later told me she'd been scared because she thought I was going to do something crazy. For the record, I wasn't going to hurt her or myself. I was just incredibly frustrated and upset.

I went through everything. Instagram DMs, deleted messages, deleted photos, hidden photos, etc. I found nothing.

I then asked her to pull up her ex's Instagram profile. She fumbled around trying to explain that she'd unblocked him at some point but hadn't followed him again. Sure enough, she pulled up his profile, and she wasn't following him.

I then followed the advice one of you gave me and tried to go down the Instagram "download your information" route, and that's when I found something interesting.

She had already downloaded her Instagram data two months ago, on the exact night she received the Instagram call.

Well, shit.

It all came out after that.

As it turns out, the Spotify messages weren't innocent background noise. And the whole situation had nothing to do with her ex.

It was the coworker.

She met him on her last work trip at the end of June. They got along well and started chatting frequently during the workday. Eventually, their conversations moved over to Instagram.

According to her, their Instagram messages were very flirty. Not sexual, but definitely flirty. She sent him a few selfies, and he sent her selfies as well, including shirtless pictures.

I also went through their entire Microsoft Teams chat history. They talk quite a bit, and there are occasional flirty exchanges, although nothing particularly egregious (makes sense, its teams after all). I'm still waiting for the Instagram data download to come through so I can understand the full extent of their conversations.

So, to be clear, I still haven't established that anything physical happened. The message timelines line up with her not having gotten close with him until a good bit after the work trip. I don't know whether there was more to their conversations than she's admitted, and I don't know how far things would have gone if I hadn't confronted her.

But at this point, the issue isn't just a single lie about an unexpected call from an ex. It's the repeated lying, the secrecy, and the fact that I had to push this hard to get anywhere close to the truth.

I came into this with eight years of a relationship that I genuinely thought was rock solid. I never imagined I'd be in this position with her.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward from this. Part of me wants to believe that this was a terrible lapse in judgment that never went beyond flirting. Another part of me is wondering what else I don't know.

For now, I'm trying to process everything and figure out what comes next. I'll update again when I have more information.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer advice, challenge my perspective, and help me think through this. I wish you guys hadn't been right, but I'm glad I listened.

I’m newly engaged (26F) and my fiancée and I have a lot of friends who have been married for a long time. Some in seemingly perfect marriages/relationships lasting for 10+ years. A few here and there have become separated and then divorced. I know picture perfect relationships aren’t always so perfect on the inside, but how do such seemingly happy couples with children involved end with so much invested?

No one gets married with the intent to eventually get divorced and I don’t think anyone should remain in an unhappy relationship, but it just shows that no one is immune..

I guess my point with this if anyone is willing to share, is what happened to your “perfect” marriage? Or for people who have been happily married for 10+ years, do you have any advice?

We both know that we have a bumpy road ahead of us as I am hoping to get into medical school soon, and we have a farm that he is unable to leave for periods of time so there definitely will be distance involved if our plans come to fruition…we’ve talked about compromise yadda yadda, but it just makes me a little…worried I guess.

I try not to dwell so much on the future and just enjoy the days we have in the present..

I guess I’ll jump right in because I need another opinion. I’ve been carrying all of the mental , physical and spiritual load for our 4 kids under 6. My mom just died half a year ago. She was a huge help and I’ve been grieving. My husband works and provided financially. I stay at home. And I do everything else. I had to hound him to get the dog help because he’s been sick for over a year throwing up. I’ve been taking him to the vet. I’ve been switching dog food and cleaning up vomit on the carpet. It’s disgusting. After a year of telling him and no change I went to a hotel with the kids until he found a solution for the dog. I feel like he pushes me to my absolute limits.

Since my mom’s passing I get little help with my kids. My grandma helps but she can’t watch all 4 at once. Grandpa has altheimerz. It’s a bad situation. I’m always with at least 1 of my kids. Most of the time 2 when the older 2 are at school. I breastfeed, clean constantly, do school events. My husband goes hunting with his friends on the weekends, store with his friend, boxing matches. It seems he always does whatever he wants and has no regard for the absolute tremendous amount I’m doing.

Well tonight he was bothering me because I’m in a bad mood. I’ve been taking care of the kids. He’s been asleep. I took the kids to church, alone this morning. I’m EXHAUSTED. He said he doesn’t want to go on vacation with me this week because I’m in a bad mood (he knows what’s been bothering me). So I went upstairs to get some space. He says we are basically like roommates. And I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for him. He complains about our sex life. Me and the kids have been sick for 3 weeks. My mom just died. The kids don’t sleep until late and I’m just tired and he doesn’t help me.

He said he’s never going to change he is how he is and if I don’t like it I can get a divorce. At this point I would. It would force him to father the kids. And do everything I’ve been doing alone, half of the time. He would be forced to clean his own stuff and clean up after the kids. He has no clue just how much I’m doing. I don’t want a divorce because I know it’s wrong, and the kids would be so upset. But I’m so miserable and he’s told me he’s not going to change.

Just want to know what the story is of how you met. Feel free to include the blossoming of your relationship :)

My husband is filing for divorce after coming out as gay, and I’m struggling to process how my life went from what I thought was a happy marriage to completely starting over.

We are both in our 20s and have spent nearly 10 years building a life together. We’ve had what I genuinely believed was an incredible relationship and marriage, and we share one young child.

A few months ago, my husband came to me and shared that he thought he might have feelings for men. He told me he didn’t want to act on those feelings but wanted to be honest with me about what he was experiencing. He also explained that he didn’t want to be intimate with me while he tried to understand these feelings. As difficult as that was to hear, I loved him and wanted him to feel safe being honest with me. I did my best to be supportive.

We started couples counseling shortly afterward to work through everything and hopefully find a way forward together. Some sessions felt productive and gave me hope, while others left me feeling defeated. He frequently shared that he didn’t understand why he felt this way but that he wasn’t currently attracted to me because of what he was experiencing. He wasn’t in a place where he could make an effort toward intimacy, so I tried to respect that while finding other ways to strengthen our marriage.

The hardest part was the constant back-and-forth. One day, he seemed committed to working on our marriage, and the next, he seemed ready to walk away. I held on to the hope that we could get through this together.

A couple of months into this process, he became increasingly secretive with his phone. He would shield his messages, keep his phone close at all times, and leave the room to take calls. He also started expressing that he felt he needed to act on his feelings for men and that being in our marriage was holding him back. I had a gut feeling something else was going on.

One night, I looked through his phone, and he found out. What I discovered was devastating. I found a series of messages and calls with another man, including affectionate messages, “cutie,” “love you,” hearts, and memes. They had also been actively looking for apartments together and making plans to leave me. Some messages referenced needing to hang up because I had walked into the room or being disappointed that I had come along because it meant they couldn’t talk. Discovering all of this while I was still trying to save our relationship was heartbreaking.

I understand that my husband is navigating something deeply personal, and I don’t blame him for his sexuality. I want him to be able to live authentically. What hurts is the secrecy, the apparent emotional relationship developing while I was still fighting for our marriage, and the loss of the future I thought we were building together.

I know I’m not a perfect spouse, and I have never claimed to be. But I loved my husband deeply, supported him, and genuinely tried to make him happy. He was my best friend for nearly 10 years. Now I’m facing the loss of my marriage, the future I envisioned, and the person I thought I knew in a completely different way.

I’m especially heartbroken for our child. We have to navigate co-parenting and a new family dynamic, and I worry about how this will affect our little one. I’m also struggling with trust. I feel guarded in ways I never have before, and the thought of letting someone into my life again feels both exciting and terrifying.

I want to be someone’s wife again someday and have a lot of love to give and a lot to offer. I am young, a great mom, have a successful professional career, and am attractive. I worry that being divorced with a child will make dating more difficult or cause potential partners to see me differently.

For those who have found love after divorce (especially with kids) what was that experience like? Did you find a relationship that was just as fulfilling, or even better, than the one you lost?

I (F30) and my husband (M32) has been together 7 years. Our sex was really good for a long time. Somewhere around 3 years ago he started wanting sex less and less. I remember being shut down more and more often starting sometime in 2024. Then around August 2024, I told him that I needed to talk and basically told him that I felt we were not being intimate enough and the romance was dead. I asked him if everything was okay? I even asked if he has kinks or fantasies he wasn’t telling me and to be open. He said no and he just genuinely lost his libido. I was crying during this talk so he knows how much it meant to me. A few days later we had sex and it definitely felt a little forced but I tried making the best of it. Fast forward a few months it’s now December 2024 and we haven’t had sex since that time in August. There was plenty of times I tried to. I remember one night in particular I took a bath and got all shaved and clean and put on new lingerie. I walked up to him and said hiii and just looked me and said “I love you but not right now” (he was gaming with the boys) so I just kinda walked away and cried. Anyways, we had a party with some friends and I got a little tipsy . One of his friends started venting about how hard it’s been since they just had a baby a few months ago and hardly had sex once or twice in the last couple months and I just lost it. I ran out of the bar just freaking ugly crying. I sat on a bench somewhere and just cried for maybe 30 minutes. He finally found me and I told him I couldn’t do it and I wanted to split up. He used the whole you’ve been drinking thing, please come home and we will talk in the morning. The next day I told him “he was turning me into someone I didn’t even know because I was started to think that DESERVED to be cheated on” and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. I’ve been cheated on and know how it feels. I told him everything I was thinking and feeling and he really heard me and said he promised he would go to a doctor and get his hormones checked out . Sex did get more frequent. We had sex maybe once a month for about a year. I was still not satisfied with this but it was acceptable for me. From around March 2026-may 2026 we didn’t have sex at all again and one night I just couldn’t do it anymore and left and cried at a dead end. I finally came home and told him this just isn’t working, I love him but eventually I’m going to cheat on him. I even asked him if it was okay if I fucked other people. He did not like that lol. We’ve been back on a once a month trend but he still rejects me often. I’m definitely starting to resent him. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to sleep with him now either. Also, the last time we had sex it was like 5 minutes and I was just left aching. I’m getting so sick of porn and the shower head. I want to be desired, I want to be used. He never asked me if I had kinks or fantasies. I’m just so frustrated with him sexually.

For context, this man is amazing in every other aspect of my life. He is my best friend otherwise.

Has anyone ever experienced this??? Have I just been to patient and stayed around to long ? I didn’t want to give up on us so easily but after 2 years of this cycle it feels like this is just who he is I guess.

Long story short my wife and I have always had some nasty fights now and then but usually we resolve it. This time she chose violence.

I've never had a single apology or accountability from her in years of marriage.

Everything gets put onto me. And usually that's how things end up resolving.

This time things got really crazy, she pushed me to the absolute limit and I expressed that I just wished I were dead and that she makes me hate life. I said some things I'm not proud of and I regret those things.

I went into the kitchen fully wanting to end my own life. In that moment, even if I probably don't have it in me to follow through.

Anyway, she suddenly had this crazy look in her eye and started screaming at me and then as I tried to walk away, punched me in the head and then grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and began strongly shaking me and screaming into my face.

I was so panicked by this that I called the police. I don't think I've ever called them for myself in my life.

She desperately tried to stop me and interfere as the call handler was trying to talk to me. Tried grabbing onto me and tried to take the phone away, shouted at me to stop lying.

I managed to separate from her and waited outside for them to show up, she stayed in the house.

They spoke to us both separately and were incredibly kind and sympathetic towards me, which was really surprising.

In the end they basically said I need to choose whether to have her arrested or just have her formally warned.

Since nothing like that has ever happened I opted for the warning and wrote that and signed it on the domestic abuse forms they gave me.

Then some detectives showed up and started taking pictures and asking more of the same questions. I really appreciated that they sat down on the pavement with me instead of standing all around me.

Eventually they'd seen and investigated enough that they were satisfied to leave and that I wasn't a danger to myself. They told me to take a long walk and come back home later and only talk to her if it seems reasonable but to otherwise stick to separate rooms.

They then took some details of my close contacts if they can't get hold of me and said they'll check in another time to make sure things are still okay.

This was a few days ago. She still hasn't said a word to me, she won't even look at me.

We've both been like ghosts in the same house, avoiding each other.

I did try to talk once but she just turned away and ignored me so I walked away. She's been stomping around and being a little passive aggressive but not said a word to me.

I'm sure she blames me and hates me even more for daring to call the police.

I'm not living in my own country so that makes things a lot scarier and more complicated for me. It was so difficult to deal with everything in my second language whilst at an absolute peak of panic and stress.

Theres now officially photos of me and her attached to a domestic report. I'm not sure what they spoke to her about and I'm not sure what they concluded in the end. The forms they had me sign were way beyond my language level, but I understood them to be domestic violence victim forms and a crime report or statement.

My mind is all over the place, I really don't know what to think or do anymore. I guess this is the end of everything. I don't think we can continue after this.

Not sure what comes next, not even sure I can stay in the country.

At the very least I'm calm now.

I'm so thankful the police listened to me and were kind. I was so scared they'd think I was the aggressor or she'd tell them some kind of lie.

Edit:

I'd really appreciate people stop victim blaming and downvoting me for not immediately knowing what to do and how to react. It is incredibly easy to judge from the safety of Reddit when you aren't actually there.

My husband (M35) told me (F33) that he loves me more like a friend than a wife, and because of that we are separating after 7 years together and 5 years of marriage.
I genuinely feel like I could die from this. Nothing makes sense. My body and my mind both seem to reject the idea that this is really happening.
Of course we had problems. I had even thought about divorce myself at times when I was unhappy or frustrated. But deep down I was always convinced that we would work through everything and stay together in the end.
Apparently, over the last few months, he realized that he had been fighting with himself to keep our marriage going, and that he just couldn’t make himself feel differently anymore.
And I know that I don’t want to stay married to someone who doesn’t love me as a wife. I know that logically. But I still love him. So much.
We built a whole life together, and I truly believed he was my person and that we would grow old together. Now suddenly I am supposed to imagine a life where he isn’t my husband anymore, and my brain just cannot process it.
I feel physically sick. I keep crying. I keep thinking that maybe this can’t really be happening, and then I remember what he said and it hits me all over again.
For anyone who has gone through something like this, how did you survive the first days and weeks? How do you eventually accept that the person you thought was your forever person no longer wants the same life with you?

My partner (45) and I (45) got into an argument and he called me the most derogatory names. Almost as if all the pent up frustrations from the last 10years of our relationship was being vomited out of his mouth.

My attraction switch has been turned off ever since and I cannot find my way back to him.

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

Hi guys! I love my wife. We are recently married, and I’ve always wanted a family. We’re totally in sync on this.

But, lately I feel like all she does is talk about having kids, when we will have kids, things we’ll do to get pregnant easier. We are planning on having kids in 3 years (she’s 30) and I get that due to age, there are time constraints.

But… the focus is kind of freaking me out. Like she’s just waiting for this, and focused on this. I’ve never been freaked out by the thought of kids - but the feeling that this is a mission is kind of freaking me out.

I have a lot of goals for us and for myself career wise and I always figured we’d work on our goals together and have kids when we’re further along but I guess that time is now….

Got into a marriage with the consensus to have kids but 3 years into the marriage, wife decided that she doesn’t want kids anymore. Is this a fair change of mind?

If you're tired of my childhood trauma coming out, do yourself a favor and stop treating me like your my mother. It's really that simple. No wonder you're not attracted to me anymore. You're so hypervigilant around me all the time. Here's a question; why do YOU work so hard to continue this marriage?

If I'm so horrible, why not just serve me papers? I'm not going to fight you on it. This relationship works because I keep rolling over and giving in. What makes you think that would change in a divorce? Unless you try to pull something stupid on me, I would never allow my children to live part of their time in an unsafe home. I will always do right by my girls, even if I can not stand you. You're always crying, all the time. If I'm so "horrible and abusive," just leave. You have money, more than I do. The kids will stay on my health insurance, so the only thing you need is to cover yourself, and you can sign on to our business's plan like any other employee. You are not without agency. If you are so unhappy, take responsibility and do something about it.

Or maybe I'm not so impossible. Maybe I'm not the reason for everything wrong in your life. Maybe I'm a convenient scapegoat for when it's too hard to take responsibility for your self. Maybe not everything is my fault. Maybe I should stop rolling over and sweeping how I feel under the rug. Maybe I stay because I have to work, and someone has to be home with the kids, so why divorce and pay lawyers when you would just end up with the house and the kids anyway? You hold all the cards, and yet somehow it is all my fault.

Hello I am a 30M and have been in a 5 year relationship with a 29F. We have now been engaged for almost 2 years now. Having a bit of trouble processing a lot. Need help to differentiate this being cold feet or actual need to pause everything. I will give a full detailed breakdown of what has happened. ADVICE NEEDED.

Well we started dating in 2021 and officially in October of 2021. It was a turbulent first year as I was getting multiple threats from her ex-boyfriend as he was still showing up to her home and her going to see him for time to time to pick up some "weed" since he was a dealer as well. Obviously this bothered me a lot. I asked her time and time again to let this go and her answer had always been that she would deal with it her own way. Throughout this time my parents always had there guard up and told me to reconsider and I kept of defending her. Then 5 to 6 months into our relationship I find out a huge bombshell she was sleeping with another guy when we initially started dating. That individual reached out to me and I confirmed everything. Hurt is an under statement. I drove over to her home and asked to talk and she basically threatened to break up with me if I did not get over it. It was a crazy week and I chose to stay and seek therapy. After that I can honestly say the relationship was pretty smooth for the next 3 or so years I would say. Our biggest fight after that was me liking a few of my friends who are the opposite genders pictures on Instagram. Due to that I completely got off social medias just for her peace of mind.

Now comes to the engagement. I planned out an elaborate beautiful engagement got her the ring of her dreams and asked her to marry me. One of the happiest moments in our lives. On top of that my parents even with all there reservations bought us an apartment to start our lives. We move in and one morning I hear her crying. I am here thinking she is sick or hurting or something happened to an immediate family member but she is crying because the ring I bought her is Lab grown and not natural mined or "blood diamond." When I tell you the air just left my whole body it hurt deep and cut me emotionally. I tried to understand her POV but i could not. She blamed it on her hormones at the end of the day and I let it go. On top of that she had been complaining each and every single day for the next 3 months that we shouldn't have moved in here and bought a house ourselves and that she will not help with the utilities since its under my parents LLC. Reasonable but my parents justification was you must live with a person first before making a huge commitment. I took it upon myself to refurnish the whole place to her liking so it could feel more like "home." Fast forward another couple months and we go out with another couple and my brother and his girlfriend. Drinks are had and when we got home she basically called me some of the nastiest things telling me I am a terrible partner and that I do not put her first and always listen to my parents. Not knowing if I did I would've broken up with her awhile ago. It just hurt me quite a bit again.

Now at this point I am emotionally drained the love is still there but I just cannot wrap my mind around a lot of things. I start realizing that I am avoiding conflict and just appeasing to her to keep the peace so I have a sit down with her. I tell her all things that are wrong and how I am feeling. I tell her calmly and in a constructive way. One thing leads to another and it blows up into a huge fight. She throws her ring on the bed and leaves the apartment and then comes back an hour later apologizing and saying that she does not feel loved and our intimate life has not been the same since after engagement and we move on. During this time she is spot wedding planning, and not involving anyone but her family and giving my family ultimatums to when and how the wedding they are throwing should be (2 different cultures, 2 different weddings).

Then during this time I lose my job and gain a new one. Fully remote at a very prominent company. This is where I make a huge mistake and caused a blunder. I passively told a co-worker over teams that I broke my engagement. Which is an utter lie because I am still engaged to this girl. But nothing else other than that, She saw that exact message and rightfully was furious. Started packing her stuff and almost left again and came back that night. I sat her down and opened up everything. My phone, email, work phone, my work laptop personal laptop to give her the peace of mind that this was an inappropriate comment and that's it. It was a lie and I owned up to it and I told her I will add extra transparency to everything I do. I even left that job completely and had that individual blocked on everything. Then one morning she checks my phone again and finds old messages from 2017/2018 messaging her sorority sisters. (Messages were on my email since I had no socials she went through my email) and she lost it. Spit on me, hit me deleted all our pictures on her socials I thought this was it. It was probably the scariest day of my life . Her reasoning was that I have a pattern of "cheating" my rebuttal was that you were dating another man at that point of your life and you did not know I existed. That made her even more mad. Now for the past year up until now we have been in such a limbo. She has been PUSHING to go to the courthouse and get married but I keep on telling her our conflict resolution is abysmal and we need to work on things and I need total forgiveness before we go into marriage because taking this road will be a road to divorce. I have way more to lose than her in a divorce situation so I need to make sure that these things are checked off. I do love her i really do some days when its good we really do have a good time. But then out of the blue she would check my phone, go through my email and work laptops and verbally abuse me and emotionally play me. I am exhausted, What do I do? How do I go about this? We live together and she has said that if we do break up I owe her a years worth of rent since that if she didn't move in with me her sister and her husband and kids would have never moved into her parents house and that she doesn't have a room in her own home. The guilt I feel is unbearable sometimes.

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TL;DR My husband molested and raped his sister, and I don’t know if I should leave because it sounds like the courts won’t care since it was so long ago, so he could get 50/50 custody of our kids.

My (44F) husband (47M) has three older sisters. When he was a teenager, he would watch his sisters undress through a window. One of his sisters is one year older than him and she was born profoundly deaf and with a developmental disability. At her current age (48) she still only has the mental capacity of a 13 year old.
When my husband was 16-17 and this sister was 17-18, he began grooming her. He told her that he would set her up with her school crush and teach her to drive if she let him watch her undress. Then it turned into watching her shower. Then, letting him touch her while she showered. Then, it turned into having her grind on him until he ejaculated. This went on for a year. Then one day he raped/attempted to rape her. And she told her parents. I guess a police report was made but he denied it and she changed her story, and her parents thought she was hallucinating.
My husband attributes this all to being exposed to pornography at the age of 11 and then quickly getting addicted to it and it “got out of control.”
Fast forward to when we got married and he hadn’t told me any of this. We have now been married 20 years and have 4 kids together. I found out about his pornography addiction pretty early on, and it’s been years of lies. Including times when he searched Craigslist for casual hookups. He has been in Sexaholics Anonymous for 11 years now but has not found long term recovery. His longest period of sobriety was 8 months. He has never had intensive therapy. He saw a CSAT for a few months a couple years ago but really made no progress.
His mom found out about him molesting his sister around the same time that I found out and she told me, “She knew what she was doing, too.” Absolutely not.
It really traumatized me, and being around his family brings it all up again and I have intrusive thoughts about them having sex. When I bring up how hard some of the interactions with his family are for me, he basically tells me I am creating chaos. Our marriage has been years of emotional and psychological abuse for me.
I want to leave, but a lawyer I consulted with said since it’s over 30 years old, the courts basically won’t care and he could get 50/50 custody.
Everyone else who knows him thinks he’s just this super great guy.

I've started to believe our marriage has a problem with sexual pressure, and I only recently found the words for it. When too much time passes between us being intimate, she gets cold. There are arguments, days of barely speaking, and a general mood in the house that I'm the one to blame. Over time it's made me dread sex instead of wanting it.

I brought it up last month, and I worked hard to keep it gentle. I didn't want to blame her, just to be understood and to figure it out together. Instead she shut down. For about three weeks she hardly spoke to me, and every time I reached out she brushed me off.

Then I learned she's been reaching out to other men. I found messages and heard her making plans to meet up with one of them. I was devastated and told her so. She told me to drop it.

Eventually she blew up at me. She said she's tired of being turned down, tired of being made to feel guilty over hurt feelings when I say no, and that she'll get her needs met elsewhere if she wants to. She said she doesn't care how that makes me feel, and that if I can't live with it, I should file for divorce.

I honestly don't understand. I was only describing how I felt. We do have sex, just not as often as she'd like. Apart from this, I thought we were doing well. How did it fall apart this fast? Was I wrong to bring it up?