My wife told me she's been pretending to want sex for months so I wouldn't feel rejected, and now I don't know how to initiate anything
My wife and I have been married 8 years. Our sex life has gone through normal ups and downs, especially after having kids, but I thought we were in a pretty decent place lately.
A few nights ago we were talking about intimacy because I mentioned that she rarely initiates anymore. I wasn't accusing her of anything, I honestly thought maybe we'd just fallen into a routine.
She got quiet and eventually admitted that for the last several months there have been plenty of times she wasn't actually in the mood but went along with it because she knew rejection made me feel unwanted. She said I never pressured her and that this was something she decided to do herself, but hearing that didn't exactly make me feel better.
I asked why she didn't just tell me, and she said after saying no a few times she'd notice I became quieter or seemed disappointed, so eventually it felt easier to just do it.
That was pretty awful to hear because from my perspective I was trying NOT to pressure her. I never argued with a no, never guilted her, nothing like that. But apparently even me looking disappointed was enough for her to feel responsible for fixing my mood.
She kept telling me I haven't done anything terrible and that she still enjoys sex with me sometimes, she just doesn't want it nearly as often as I do.
Still, now I'm replaying months of our sex life wondering which times she genuinely wanted me and which times she was basically waiting for it to be over. I hate that thought.
Since that conversation I haven't initiated once. She actually asked me last night why I seem afraid to touch her and I didn't know what to say besides... because I am?
Even kissing her for more than a few seconds makes me wonder if she's enjoying it or just trying to keep me happy again.
She says she wants us to move forward and promised she'll be more honest, but I don't know how I'm supposed to trust a yes right away when I just learned that yes hasn't always meant yes for months.
I love my wife and I'm not angry at her, mostly I just feel sad and kinda stupid.
How do couples rebuild that sense of safety without making every intimate moment into a serious conversation about consent and reassurance?