I notice within my relationship—at certain times, not always— a sense that nothing can be enough for me. That no matter how much he gives me, it won't be enough.
I recognize that this feeling is about me, not him. I'm curious about it - where does it come from? Is it typical for insecurely attached people to feel this way?
I notice within my relationship—at certain times, not always— a sense that nothing can be enough for me. That no matter how much he gives me, it won't be enough.
I recognize that this feeling is about me, not him. I'm curious about it - where does it come from? Is it typical for insecurely attached people to feel this way?
My relationship partner, who has a busy life, spent a good deal of time with me this past week and I appreciated that greatly. I told myself I can't expect more for this weekend- he has other obligations and relationships (more than I do, in fact, which is part of the imbalance. In general, I have much more free time than him, which leads me to want to spend more time with him.).
As it turns out, he'll be visiting relatives and I probably won't talk to him again until Monday. I know, obviously, there's nothing wrong with that! He should visit his family.
But I notice my emotional reaction when he texted me was instant sadness and a feeling of missing him already, almost emptiness. As well as the feeling that part of my mind is just looking ahead to the time when I'll talk with him again. I already have a number of enjoyable activities this weekend to do so that isn't a problem. Tonight in particular I have a event with other people that I'm really looking forward to.
We have only known each other less than eight weeks. However, we became rather intensely engaged with each other from the start. I am the more attached one, but he is attached to me as well.
I know he hasn't abandoned me and he won't. He's not doing anything wrong, yet emotionally it's tough for me.
Here's my question: Is my reaction normal or healthy? If not, how can I change it? I don't want to feel sad just because my partner's busy for a day or two.
Edit to add: My previous post
After year of off-and-on struggling with moderating my drinking, I'm thrilled to find that after 17 days alcohol-free, I'm not conflicted. I don't desire it.
I'm not sure how or why this happened now - this feeling of clarity: "No I don't want to drink. Period." But it's wonderful! I'm not the grip of it anymore.
It reminds me of when I quit smoking, years ago. Once I decided, it was like flipping a switch. I made a plan, I quit and I never looked back.
My initial plan was "Dry August, No more alcohol in the home ever, but possibly ok to drink outside the home in the future." But I'm loving this non-conflicted feeling of certainty so much that I don't want to test it any time soon. And maybe never test it is the best idea of all.
My relationship partner, who has a busy life, spent a good deal of time with me this past week and I appreciated that greatly. I told myself I can't expect more for this weekend- he has other obligations and relationships (more than I do, in fact, which is part of the imbalance. In general, I have much more free time than him, which leads me to want to spend more time with him.).
As it turns out, he'll be visiting relatives and I probably won't talk to him again until Monday. I know, obviously, there's nothing wrong with that! He should visit his family.
But I notice my emotional reaction when he texted me was instant sadness and a feeling of missing him already, almost emptiness. As well as the feeling that part of my mind is just looking ahead to the time when I'll talk with him again. I already have a number of enjoyable activities this weekend to do so that isn't a problem. Tonight in particular I have a event with other people that I'm really looking forward to.
We have only known each other less than eight weeks. However, we became rather intensely engaged with each other from the start. I am the more attached one, but he is attached to me as well.
I know he hasn't abandoned me and he won't. He's not doing anything wrong, yet emotionally it's tough for me.
Here's my question: Is my reaction normal or healthy? If not, how can I change it? I don't want to feel sad just because my partner's busy for a day or two.
Edit to add: My previous post
Previously I posted here about this relationship.
Yesterday I had a long talk with my partner and we both agreed a pause was a good idea, due to differences in our lives and in what what we want. The pause was more my idea, as I was more troubled than he about our differences. I was advised that I should have at least one month's pause, so that's my plan. The idea is to allow me to re-focus my life without him. Then decide what I want to do with a clear head.
The one thing I'm very happy about is that we were totally amicable, with no residual anger. In fact, we talked for hours even after we resolved the "pause" question. Mutual fondness. And that makes very happy, and a little bit proud of the two of us that we managed to do that.
My problem now is that I'm still thinking about him constantly. The anxiety of wondering when he would contact me is replaced by sadness and loss. And a deep yearning to reach out again to him. I know it will take time.
Another issue is that I have extensive chat logs (which I'm not willing to delete) which also are a temptation to review, and to feel the connection again with him. So far I've resisted.
I know all the things I need to do, and I'm doing them. Paying attention to the rest of my life and relationships. Doing meaningful things in my life. Reaching out to try to make new connections as friends or more.
I guess I'm posting for support, and any insights that others could share. TIA
Due to one alarming night of alcohol consumption, I decided to stop drinking entirely for all of August. (I've been alcohol free 10 days now. If interested, my recent posts about this can be seen here and here.)
Something occurred to me today, very clearly, in a way that I haven't looked directly at before. Yet it's so obvious now, I realize I've been avoiding the awareness. I think I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. (Here it comes- too bad, self!)
When I'm drinking, it's so easy to view the option of staying home with my alcohol and a movie as a perfectly good evening. Note that in general, I don't drink that much at one time. I'm not getting rip roaring drunk every night- more often it's the pleasant buzz and loss of anxiety that I'm after. But the consequence of relying on the alcohol is that my energy for going out—doing something new, or social, or healthier—is diminished.
Last night, I went out to a local pub with a local music act. It wasn't great music, but it was ok. I had a non-alcoholic beer, ate some good food and listened to the band. Didn't stay more than an hour, but that's ok too. And tonight I have an event lined up as well.
I've struggled off and on for years with wanting to drink less and not achieving that goal. But I'm feeling very positive and strong about being alcohol-free now. Like it's what I want.
Recently I posted about an alarming episode that made me decide to quit drinking at home (and at least for one month when out): https://www.reddit.com/r/cutdowndrinking/comments/1va9x02/i_need_to_stop_drinking/
I just wanted to share an update: I'm very, very happy with my decision. So far I feel no struggle whatsoever. Only a mild revulsion at the thought of a drink. It's like a mental switch turned, and alcohol no longer has the power to delude me into thinking it's going to help anything. And not having alcohol in the house makes me realize that I'm fine without it. I don't need it to enjoy my evening.
Will this great feeling last? I don't know. But I'm happy now and posting to give a little inspiration to anyone who needs it.
I just posted today here about my intense relationship anxiety.
And now I have a question for anyone who's been involved in a non-ideal relationship which they knew wasn't ultimately good for them but couldn't break off.
Has anyone ever tried putting a pause on the relationship for some period of time? Saying something like, "Hey, I need a break and some time to myself for a while. I won't contact you during this time and I'll ask you not to contact me."
If you've tried this, I'd like to know how it worked. TIA.
TL;DR at bottom.
I posted the other day here about a small challenge I set for myself to manage my anxiety.
But what I didn't explain is the the entire relationship is a guaranteed set-up to provoke my anxiety. I'll explain.
I've been widowed and alone for seven years. Living alone is not a problem for me- most of my life I lived alone, and usually not dating. But being alone now, with no male companionship, has become very lonely.
Recently I connected with a man online with whom I share a great deal mentally and sexually. He is in another country and we have no plans to meet. I have fallen for him very hard, even as I realize that I don't really know him, since we've never met. Yet emotionally, my feeling is as intense as if we were IRL. The emotional impact is the same.
The problem is not so much that we're physically separated, but that our investment in this relationship is unequal. He has a much busier life than I do, including a high pressure job. On the one hand, there are times he's been extremely generous with his time and attention, caring and kind. On the other hand, he prioritizes IRL relationships and activities, of which he has many more than I do. I can't blame him for that. But it means that what we have is not a priority for him in the way it is for me. We have talked about this and he has tried to be considerate of me.
Because his life is unpredictable and he does things on a last-minute basis, I never know when we'll be in touch again. We generally text every day, but the level varies quite a bit in intensity. Because I simply have more time than he does, I'm almost always available to him, while he is not always available to me.
I know that he won't just disappear. He's continued our relationship, even through several episodes of my anxiety. He will talk with me about anything I bring up. He does get a lot from our relationship—but he doesn't need it in the same way I do.
A number of times I've said to myself, "I can't keep doing this." But then other times, I'm so happy and grateful that he's a part of my life. Both of these thoughts are true at the same time!
I know ultimately I want a full IRL relationship, but that is not on the horizon currently. I'm not sure what I'm asking or if I even have a question. Maybe if someone in a similar situation could talk about whatever helped them with the anxiety, I'd appreciate it.
TL;DR I've fallen in "love" with someone online who isn't as invested as I am in our relationship, and who is not available on a regular basis. And yet, he is, in many ways a very good partner when we spend time together. I am trying to find men IRL but it's very difficult.
If you comment, please be kind. I know that this relationship is highly flawed. If I could, I'd end it now. But I truly cannot do that at this point; it would be too devastating. Thank you for reading.
Edit to add: Success! I resisted the temptation to initiate. And then he texted me not long after I made this post. To be clear, the success is that I resisted, not that he texted me. But still, it's nice that he wanted to.
I've been in a very intense (currently) online-only relationship for the past five weeks (although it feels much longer!) My texting partner was dealing with a lot of IRL work and home problems yesterday, so we barely texted.
This morning I haven't heard from him yet, which suggests to me he may still be dealing with the IRL issues. The not-hearing-from-him makes me very anxious, of course. It makes me want to reach out to make sure he hasn't disappeared. But there is no evidence in our relationship that he would disappear. None. The anxiety comes from within me.
I decide today to set myself a little challenge. Simply this: I won't initiate texting today. I'll let him decide when he feels he has the time and mental space for texting with me. I will trust that he will text me again, when he can, because he always has in the past.
I feel like this is a doable challenge. Not easy, but it's only for one day. I'm thinking of it as similar to a physical challenge, like running a faster mile, or lifting a heavier weight. I'm thinking of the good feeling I'll have when I complete the challenge. A bit of pride, a bit of personal satisfaction.
It's a small step towards being less anxious, and I can do it.
Posting for some supportive words and/or advice.
I've been trying to drink less for a while now. Sometimes doing well, sometimes not. But recently, something changed for the worse. Because of relationship stress, I started drinking more than I ever have before in one night. Last night it was 750ml of wine. I nearly passed out. (I'm amazed that I wasn't hungover this morning).
This morning I felt alarmed at the situation. And I has to say to myself "I have a problem with alcohol." I poured out the rest of the wine. I decide the only way forward is as follows:
No alcohol in the house again, period. It has to be for good, like when I quit smoking.
No alcohol from any place for at least one month.
Leaving open the question of whether occasional drinking while out to dinner or similar would be allowed in the future (I don't go out much anyway).
I'd also like to find a support group other than AA. The reason I'm not interested in AA is the formula, the steps and the fact that I don't consider myself an alcoholic.
TIA.