r/becomingsecure

Hi everyone,

As you can see from the title, I have made a girl I've talked to for 4 months uncomfortable, unsafe, and terrified. She recently told me that she wanted to just be friends and for me to not pursue her anymore as the memorial monday she probably encounter a text from her ex or someone relating to her ex of 4 years. So she told me she want to be alone and find herself, I lost myself as everything was happening so fast and I couldnt contain myself and I lost my cool. I know i should of been more controlled of my emotions, I just thought we had something going and realized that I end up making everything end. As the week progress I went on a stage of sadness, anger, and i just decided to go full obsessive and start spam texting her.

Before I started to spam text her, I encounter her with her best friend and a guy friend i never seen before. So my mind just went spiral, lost my cool as it was a day I was just so angry, not even sad. Made me so mad i went to the gym to work out my anger and realized all that just made me angrier. (never workout when angry, meditate first) so my spam text just turned into terror so it scared her so she told me to stop as she thought we already made peace with the situation. We did, but my feelings for her was not at peace. It could not be at peace because I was still trying to figure out what to do with these linger feelings for her as I am still processing how to be her friend.

After all that her best friend text me and said "You are a grown ass man obsess over someone that doesn't even want you. And spam texting her just so you can feel at peace like hell. She is such as sweet girl she said a you may still have a good heart and you showing up to her work place and made her uncomfortable again.. you can change this if you simply just leave her alone."

I told the best friend that I was not there for her, I was there to get things as it's the only place I can get my stuff. I am sorry that I made her uncomfortable, it was not intended, i didnt know she was working that morning, I thought her other family members will be there instead. I apologize nonstop.. and I told her I am happy that she has someone like the best friend to protect her from a guy like me. I am the worst of the worst who couldnt contain himself, I hate myself everyday and night. Even revisiting this make me so angry at myself, my actions, my words.

I will never get to see her smile anymore, get to say hi to her anymore, or even get a conversation with her and that is what the consequences is for as I deserve this.

But it teared me up when she said i may still have a good heart... i cried so hard, so much, nonstop, I didn't even know what to do with myself. She is too kind, that it made me realize that i lost someone i called special.

I will forever live in regrets, I am in the process in moving on and finding peace. Not hoping to get her back but if we find each other on the same road again, I will do things differently because I saw her when she was at her low, she deserve to be love by those who she surround herself with. Hope her well and happiness, I am glad to have met someone who at least let me in her little world.

Thank you for listening to my foolish story.... I am always ready to listen to feedbacks and criticisms to my foolishness.

32F in an arranged marriage setup and looking for some honest outside perspectives because I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this is a compatibility concern or my anxiety talking.
I’ve been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and we’ve met 3 times so far. We text every day, often initiated by him, and conversations are generally easy and natural. We talk about work, family, routines, random topics, etc.
A bit of context: I have a few non-negotiables (non-smoker, non-drinker, vegetarian), so finding someone compatible has taken time. He seems to align well with many of my values and comes across as kind, grounded, responsible and respectful.
I’m also aware that I tend towards an anxious attachment style and generally prefer calls and more frequent communication, so I’m trying to understand whether this is a genuine mismatch in communication styles or whether I’m expecting too much too soon.
For additional context, he has mentioned that he was hurt in a previous relationship and has also experienced significant personal loss, having lost both his parents in recent years. Because of that, I sometimes wonder whether he’s naturally more guarded or slower to open up emotionally.
My concern is around how we’re getting to know each other.
We text regularly throughout the day, but after work he usually prefers going to the gym, playing sports, meeting friends, or playing video games. He doesn’t seem naturally inclined towards phone calls. Even though we’re in touch daily, I rarely feel like he actively wants to get on a call or have longer conversations.
What confuses me is that he doesn’t seem disengaged:
He texts every day
He remembers details I tell him
He keeps conversations going
He is warm and responsive when we talk
At the same time, I personally find it difficult to really get to know someone through texting alone. For me, calls and meeting in person are where I understand a person’s personality, values, emotional depth, communication style, humour, and overall compatibility.
That’s where I’m struggling. If we’re evaluating each other for marriage, I sometimes wonder whether texting alone is enough to meaningfully get to know someone.
I’ve already mentioned once that I generally prefer calls because I feel more connected through conversations than texts. He was understanding when I brought it up and even mentioned that I seem to have a more anxious attachment style, which I think is probably true. However, I haven’t really noticed much change in the communication pattern since then.
My questions:
\-Is it unreasonable to expect more calls and initiative after only 3 weeks?
\-Do some people genuinely prefer texting over calls even when they are interested?
\-How do you realistically get to know someone well enough for marriage if most communication is through texts?
\-Does this sound like a communication-style mismatch or simply two people moving at different speeds?
\-Would you bring this up again now or give it more time?
\-If you were in my position, would this concern you?
Looking for honest perspectives, especially from people who are naturally not big callers themselves or from others who met through arranged marriage setups.

I 26F started dating my boyfriend 26M 2 years ago. We moved in together last year. I have always been anxious, but I’ve noticed my relationship anxiety is through the ROOF lately. My biggest fears are what he thinks of me that he won’t tell me. That he loves his ex more than me. That I will lose him. That I’m not actually chosen but convenient to him. I lost my mom when I was 13. All of this to say I think I’m anxious attachment.

The worst part about this is he is the most amazing human being in the entire world. He has never once given me a reason to question whether he’s being faithful or question his love for me. So, I haven’t. I understand that these thoughts are anxiety ridden and not results of his actions. I know he loves me, and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but my anxiety won’t fully let me believe it. That said, the last thing I want to do is weigh him down with these feelings. I understand how exhausting being with an anxious attachment can be and he doesn’t deserve that. Any advice? It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’ll never be able to be in a happy relationship. The thoughts are constant and they hurt. I am also specifically trigged by his exes. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose him and I really do want to better myself for him.

I got really anxious tonight and spammed my boyfriend with texts/calls for around two hours after not hearing from him. He works late and is probably exhausted, but I panicked for some reason. I feel horrible and he won’t awnser me I wish I was more secure. :/

Edit: pls don’t be harsh I’m in therapy and trying my best to become a better partner

Me (29 F) posting this text that is meant for my boyfriend (28M) on reddit rather than sending it so i don't blow up my 2 year relationship. So reddit, am i the problem? Maybe someone will have some helpful advice.

Text for bf follows:

I dont think I can be with someone as avoidant as you. The way you just leave when something gets too much for you is a poor character trait and it brings out the worst in me.

I don't think we should continue this weird mindfuck. You're scared to do anything wrong and so am I. But I dont think I'm being as scary or as mean as you are making out. I've never stood over you, never been physical with you, never called you names or screamed at you. Listening to someone talk in a stressed tone of voice and fielding confrontation is something everyone has to deal with, so deal with it.

Over it,

Your most recent ex

Liv

Hello. Thanks for reading.

I'm an autistic Anxious Attached person who has an online best friend of nearly a decade that is an Avoidant.

Two months ago, my friend who hid a lot of his insecurities couldn't handle my venting and feelings anymore and cut me off entirely, blocking me from all platforms.

Around 20 days ago, we reconnected, confessing our problems and trying to make our friendship work again. We set boundaries. No DMs until he is ready, casual chat in a Discord server.

Since then though, his anxities didn't seem to get much better. He is now dead silent, active only when I announce I go on break to talk to others. And even now, it's silent, probably talking to other people though.

I decided for his sake to pursue No Contact going forward, but I'm not sure if it is too late for us to patch up our friendship. We made a promise to communicate our issues, but he isn't anymore. So I'm left in the dark on what to do to help him, so I have no choice but to be silent for I don't want to break boundaries and pursue him.

Is it too late for us, and we can never be close friends again? Or if there is hope, help me figure out how long should I wait, or is it time to fully let go?

I can’t recall the last time, in a long time, that I felt as present in my life as I do right now. I’ve written about this before, and it’s something I find myself going back to often. For so long, I thought that I was showing up for myself, but I’ve realized I was really just guarding myself from vulnerability.

I spent four and a half long years processing my life, and it was not easy. I was in my head more than I was anywhere else. It’s not even that I wasn’t physically present, or that I wasn’t socially open. I was doing all of the normal things, so I couldn’t even tell that I wasn’t fully present in my own life.

I give myself a lot of grace and love now when I look back because I was trying so hard to just be. Be a good friend, be a good employee, be a good person. Constantly watching every step, I made to make sure that I never took the wrong one.

News flash: me being paralyzed in my own mind didn’t stop me from making mistakes.

If anything, it may have created more problems than it prevented. I was spending so much time in my head that I had convinced myself of stories, narratives, and feelings, specifically romantic ones, where somehow, I had reached all of these conclusions without ever actually discussing them with the person involved.

My fear of rejection and my fear of abandonment would not allow me to be vulnerable. It was easier to accept whatever story I told myself than to risk asking for clarity.

I would have this strong emotional curiosity for specific people, but the reality I was experiencing with them would often be... less than ideal.

I was telling a friend earlier today how 99% of the people I’ve been involved with romantically, I can barely even remember their names. I remember the experiences and whether I had fun or not, but any actual data about the person? I have no clue.

Then there’s that 1%. There have only been three men in my life who I just couldn’t seem to move away from emotionally. They would occupy my mind for much longer than I was physically present with them.

I attribute that mostly to longing and the idea of “what ifs” because the experience would be emotionally and sexually charged, but often not grounded in anything real or tangible. Those short-lived situations would leave me with more questions than answers.

Maybe that’s why it was so hard for me to let go.

My friend told me I’m like a Picathartes, a bird from West Africa. These birds are described as being able to have their body facing forward while their head looks completely backward.

Which, if I’m being honest, was a really great way to describe my experience with love, vulnerability, and relationships.

Maybe it’s easier for me to say I’m moving forward but secretly hope for someone from my past to tell me I was right all along. That they should have fought harder for me or should have seen the value in me that was there all along.

I’m not sure why I waited for anyone to confirm who I already know I am. Maybe it’s because my luck in love hasn’t always been the best. It’s the one area in my life where I find myself questioning myself the most.

I don’t like that feeling, so I often avoid connection altogether. But here’s the thing: I didn’t recognize it that way while it was happening. I thought I was protecting myself and my boundaries. I figured it was better to leave silently than to question things and seek clarity.

I believe both things are true depending on the situation.

Not every person, place, or thing needs to take accountability for the harm they caused. Some people do things that hurt you, and you will never know why.

That’s just life, and it sucks. It feels unfair most of the time.

But when it came to facing that rejection and abandonment wound, I didn’t want to, so I opted out of vulnerability altogether. Then I would feel sad, confused, and frozen for months, sometimes years, over a situation that didn’t deserve to take up so much space in my life in the first place.

I’m now realizing that it might be better for me to just face what scares me than to do nothing at all. Because at least I’m doing something rather than just thinking and thinking and thinking about it.

I started to wonder recently: maybe if I confront what scares me, not from ego, but from my heart, regardless of the outcome, will it make it easier for me to accept things as they are, not as I imagine them in my head?

When I started thinking like that, it made me realize how much agency I have in my own life. It also made me realize that my feelings are not as big as the bigger picture.

I’m also noticing that this realization has taken the pressure off dating entirely. Listening to the internet, listening to other people’s experiences, and continuing to look back and wonder why; were all things that were keeping me frozen.

I finally decided enough is enough.

Just send the text.

Do the thing.

Because it’s actually not scary, and I actually can just have fun.

I do want to fall in love. I do want to get married. But that’s not going to happen if I can’t let go of what didn’t work out.

I have faith that in order to be in the moment when love does find me, I have to be in the moment, not in my head. It’s a simple concept to grasp, harder to do in practice.

I’m choosing to do the harder thing, now and moving forward.

A few months ago I became really close with this guy from school, and honestly, at first everything felt good and easy. We used to joke around all the time, stay up talking late at night, help each other with school stuff, and he even had a nickname for me that nobody else used. He genuinely felt like one of the few people who understood me, and without realizing it, I slowly got emotionally attached to him.

The problem is that I already have attachment issues, and I think I started overthinking every small interaction between us. Then one misunderstanding happened between us and suddenly everything became awkward. People got involved, rumors started spreading, and I reacted emotionally instead of just talking calmly to him from the start.

What made everything harder was that after the argument, things never became fully bad or fully normal. Some days we would avoid each other, and other days he would talk to me like before, joke around, hold eye contact, or act nice again. I think the mixed signals made it really hard for my brain to let go because part of me kept hoping things would go back to how they used to be.

But now that school is ending soon, I’m starting to realize something important: I think I romanticized the connection more in my head than it actually was in reality. That doesn’t mean the friendship was fake or that he’s a bad person, because honestly he isn’t. I think we were both just emotionally immature teenagers who handled things badly and ended up hurting each other without really meaning to.

Now I’m trying to move on and stop overthinking everything because this situation became emotionally exhausting for me. Part of me still feels sad about how everything ended, but another part of me feels like maybe this whole thing was supposed to teach me something about attachment, communication, and myself.

Has anyone else ever experienced getting emotionally attached to someone and then slowly realizing the connection maybe meant more to you than it did to them? And how did you actually move on from it?

This guy is extremely private, and while with any other questions he asks me, I'm an open book (including private things), for him, my questions are often met with "we aren't at that stage to talk about that yet".

I've been working on becoming secure, and I have done an amazing job. My problem is (😅) because I have a history of not being secure, and I don't get this far. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I feel really deeply (which I'm sure we all do), so I connect with people over emotions and shared personal feelings. Honestly, typing that out made me realize that this situationship possibly isn't the right one, unfortunately. I wish he would open up more, but it doesn't even seem like he cares to or even wants to try. I don't need him to tell me his deepest darkest secrets, but like I'm not joking when I tell you I asked how many siblings he has and he said he wasn't comfortable answering that.

Yesterday, we were having a great time hanging out, and he had been getting lots of texts and responding (which is odd because he rarely responds to mine (lol). He randomly got up like "you know what, I can't be here, I have too much to get done/going on". Didn't explain anything after I asked. He just kissed me and left.

Luckily Im very busy, and thats been a huge help in getting over my anxious attachment style. However because Im busy, If this isnt going anywhere I need to have more time to take a nap lol

You probably read the title and first of all: tysm ❤️‍🩹

BASICS:

I am 23, female, probably suffer from ADHD and am anxiously attached. Which means, my whole nervous system is always kinda anxious, I have a fear of being abandoned, LOVE LOVE LOVE avoiding attached men, bc it gets me going to be ignored; I hate and love the thrill and it causes me to shower them with love, attention, money and gifts - and they push me away further because I'm suffocating them.

I am so forgetful, chaotic, have constant time blindness, love POSITIVE attention, confident men, nonchalant compliments and am chased by my anxious fears (like a truck driving into my house at night ... Just because. Even though I live on the second story)

My bf has an narki$$istic dad, a cold, heartless mom, never heard ily or I'm so proud of you, feels worthless, struggled with sulcida/ thoughts in the past, is bc of that desorganized attached and needs constant validation, attention and me to GIVE him feelings of self worth, self esteem or self love. But it's tiring. I mean, I have no problem with reassuring him, but he needs to build self esteem by HIMSELF. He also believes I could do better than him and that I'll leave him if someone better appears and he expects me to cheer him up. Like ... Dude, could you blame me? I don't wanna leave you. I just deserve better than you and I want YOU to get better.

But at least he is very reflective, openly admits his bpd abüse towards me and works on himself to make it better. He'll get into therapy soon. He actually actively researches his triggers and feels deep feelings of shame or guilt and tries to un-learn patterns and actively works on solutions.

So you could say it's bad ... But not THAT bad, yk what I mean?

Because most people with BPD don't take any accountability and often experience memory loss after splitting. At least he remembers, wants to change, goes into action, already changed a little bit, researches and feels guilt and shame.

And I'm not easy, too.

I'm obviously effing hard to deal with my anxious attachment and I'm prettyyyyyyyy sure that's why my ex boyfriends (avoidant partners) R A N from me. But dude, I can't help it. I love and hate getting ignored, it's kinda ma$ochistic.

PLEASE: real advices. No "leave him" "get into therapy you sikko", Id like some real, neutral responses 🫂

THE ISSUE

Now to my problem:

I have poor time management -> he needs my exact time management to feel reassured

I need the reassurance he won't hürt himself -> he feels like I treat him like a toddler and refuses to give it to me

He needs me to give him purpose -> I feel uncomfortable and ashamed with that

I want instant harmony after a fight -> he's not done verbally abüslng me yet

And basically... Everything else I mentioned.

Any real advice?

Why do I have a hard time accepting compliments

I start to to dislike the fake acceptance out of social obligations, and have an urge to argue back to try to make the others make me accept it, and it also triggers an alter in me that comes out to make me feel even more inadequate because somehow it's just wired this way, I have not really been thinking about my ankle flexion not being high and thick enough to my liking ​​until someone who has seen many performers compliment on my looks and talent, I just wanted to argue back for some reason but refrained myself from doing so, they are not there to psychotherapy me, I have a hard time accepting love that is my own problem.

I feel compliments really can destabilize me, it's an internal and external Teeter board when I could just dissociate from those two opposing alters instead. 

Honestly I found the only way I can have self compassion and self love is through forceful intellectualization because I know it's a requirement to heal, I force myself to do it out of hatred and lack, not out of sincerity, I don't even think it works this way but it's the only way I could do it. 

I'm an overly obsessed kind of girlfriend, and I genuinely want to change.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. During the first year of our relationship, I was completely different. I wasn't clingy, controlling, or constantly worried about what he was doing. I had my own life, my own interests, and I trusted him.

Things changed during our second year together when I moved to a completely new city and started living alone. Around that time, I discovered some things he had never told me before, including an old Instagram account I didn't know existed. It might not seem like a big deal, but it affected my trust more than I realized.

At the same time, he was my first love and my first serious relationship, and I had no real support system around me. I slowly became emotionally dependent on him. Since then, I've become obsessed with his whereabouts, his activity, and even small changes in his behavior.

The problem is that he has never actually given me a reason to think he's being unfaithful. In two years, I've never caught him talking to other girls, flirting, or doing anything inappropriate. Yet I still overthink everything.

A slight change in his tone can ruin my entire day. If he doesn't call when I expect him to, I become anxious and start imagining the worst. We end up fighting regularly because of my insecurities and need for reassurance.

I know I've become controlling. I know I've made him feel pressured and watched. I know that's unfair. Looking back, I barely recognize myself compared to who I was during our first year together.

Our relationship has gone from being happy and easy to feeling tense and exhausting for both of us. His family dislikes me, we argue frequently, and I can tell he's emotionally drained.

The worst part is that I don't want to be this person. I've tried many times to change, but I always end up falling back into the same patterns of anxiety, overthinking, and emotional dependence.

Has anyone else gone from being secure in a relationship to becoming extremely anxious and obsessive? How did you break that cycle and regain your sense of self?

As someone who is on her healing journey and has made so much progress throughout the year, I have noticed the feeling of disgust whenever someone shows insecure behavior. I started to notice this with my parents, especially with my dad: when he had told me something, expecting me to be in agreement or to validate his decisions and opinions; and whenever I didn’t, he would get mad at me. I found myself to be utterly disgusted by this behavior of his, even angry at some point; maybe that had made me believe at some point that he was weak when he acts insecure which I don’t like.

I've also realized that when I talk to new guys I am attracted to, and they show insecure behavior, my attraction fades (although not physically) to the point where, if I do feel any kind of chemistry, I choose to remain friends with them because I want to date people who wont look for others to validate them to feel good about themselves. And I think there’s nothing wrong with me wanting that, but the feeling of disgust and even irritation that comes along with a lack of patience towards them, makes me feel bad. I feel like I need to understand that they are also people; that some of them aren’t aware of their patterns.

Sometimes I still feel shame and disgust whenever I act insecure. I try to have patience with both myself and others but it gets hard because I am making an active effort to not be like that anymore.

As the question states. The autopilot thing fascinates me, as well as not knowing the nature of the actions, particularly in real time and what opens the door to full realization.

Does anyone else fluctuate between feeling good and feeling like things will be ok because growth is evident to absolute despair and hatred with life? I used to sit in despair most of the time and rise up to being OK every now and then but I just feel an oscillation now that feels profoundly more difficult. Is this part of the journey? I've started EMDR and this has been really helpful but it has left me feeling like I'm on a roller coaster of destruction and emotional chaos. Anyone else feel like this? Is this a normal part of EMDR and becoming earned secure? Is this going to create stability?

I am \[16F\], my boyfriend is \[14M\], and we have been together for 3 months now. and were classmates

For as long as I can remember, I have never been the type of person to cling to anyone or rely on others. I’ve always been very independent — I prefer doing things on my own, I don’t need anyone’s help, and I am perfectly comfortable being by myself. I even hated PDA before; I thought it was too much, unnecessary, and I swore I would never act that way with anyone.

But lately, I have noticed big changes in myself that I never expected. With him, everything is different. I find myself getting really clingy all the time. What used to make me uncomfortable, I now crave — I hold onto him, stay close, touch him, and show affection in public constantly, which is the complete opposite of who I used to be.

I have also become very emotionally dependent on him. I feel so attached that whenever he visits me, I never want him to go home. I just want him to stay with me, be with me all the time, and I keep thinking about being with him forever. He is very reliable, kind, and treats me so well, which I know is part of it — but I didn’t think I would change this much in such a short time.

My question / request for advice:

Is it normal for someone who was so independent, reserved, and disliked affection to suddenly become this attached, clingy, and dependent in just 3 months? Has anyone experienced this big shift in feelings? Is this healthy, and how do I handle these emotions so I don’t become too much for him or lose myself in the relationship?

 

TL;DR:

I \[16F\] am dating \[14M\] for 3 months. I used to be super independent, hated PDA, and never relied on anyone — now I’m extremely clingy, love affection, depend on him emotionally, and never want him to leave. Is this normal, and how do I navigate these feelings?

Have you ever pulled back from a relationship, not because something went wrong, but because closeness itself felt like a warning sign?

There's a reason that happens. New research shows avoidant individuals perceive self-loss that others simply don't see.

The feeling is real. The threat isn't.

Worth understanding before you sabotage your relationship for no reason.

Ok so long story short... My bf and I teach dance classes. There's a woman in one of my classes who is a bit too friendly with him (getting close to him, touching his arm, all her attention is on him). We have talked about her before and said she's a bit much, she has a bit of a "crazy" personality so we brushed it off basically. Anyway she was at my class yesterday and said "I messaged to ask what we were doing today" I said "oh you messaged me?" Thinking I hadn't seen her message.. she said no, she had messaged <my boyfriend>... Well, I was not aware they had exchanged numbers. And I have no idea why they would have. The only thing I can think is that they used to work in the same place, and maybe it was something to do with work. But he usually tells me everything and he never mentioned for example "oh that woman from class asked me about xyz". From what I gather this woman has a girlfriend so she might actually be gay but from her behaviour towards him it's hard to tell, it seems like she's attracted to him. I just had to teach the class with her in it, the whole time with this on my mind. It was awful.

So now the analysis comes. How to be secure in THIS situation?

- I trust my bf. He is a good person and loyal. I just do not understand why they have each others' numbers or why he never told me that.

- If it were anything untoward, she wouldn't have said to my face that she'd messaged him. - Just the other day he said to me "I haven't seen <woman's name> in class for a while" so it's doubtful they are messaging each other. He seemed to have no clue where she'd been and had forgotten about her.

- It was probably some work-related reason.

I really want to ask him why they have exchanged numbers. But I have to calm down and I don't even know if that's the right thing to do...

From my side - Lots of class participants message me (including her), but that is on Instagram. He doesn't follow her on Instagram and she doesn't follow him. So it must be via text. I think getting someone's number is a step up from adding them on Instagram and messaging there. I just don't know *why* they have exchanged numbers. And that is what's bothering me.

He is a very loving, loyal and honest boyfriend, can't fault him. This isn't really me saying "something is going on" because I don't think there is. It's more about me saying... I have no idea how to act. My instinct is to go nuts at him. I can't do that. For some reason, which I don't think is untoward, they swapped numbers. She makes me uncomfortable, and he didn't mention it, which is why this bothers me so much. I don't know how to be ok with it

What do you think... How do I let this go? Or do I say something?

Thank you.