u/keepthememes

TL;DR

After 2+ years together, we broke up today due to a worsening push-pull dynamic: her anxiety fuels clinginess and overcompensation, which triggers my avoidant tendencies and makes me pull away—creating a painful feedback loop we couldn't break. I finally decided to end things. I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right call, wondering if I'm being stubborn or if this was truly unsustainable.

My ex-girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 years and broke up today. She struggles with OCD and bad anxiety and was hospitalized due to it when she was a teenager. She has often experienced nights of vomiting symptomatic of her anxiety (though, over the last 6 or so months, this has mostly subsided). I also have bad anxiety. However, where mine differs is that I tend to bottle things up where she externalizes.

Up until about 6 months to a year ago, our relationship was amazing. Very loving, fun, exciting. However, since then it has been a slow decline. It's hard to say in broad terms what has been happening during this time, but the gist is this: she is afraid of losing me. I try my best to reassure her and express my love to her to the best of my abilities, but she always seems to return to operating out of anxiety.

I'm finding it hard to actually put into words what was going on, but it's basically been a push-pull situation, where she gets scared that I'm losing interest for some reason or another, and will then overcompensate to try to connect with me. I will then pull away in reaction (this is kind of the main theme). This manifests in her double texting me when i don't respond immediately, or her texting me I love you multiple times a day, or that she's been thinking about me all day, or, while we're hanging, she'll look at me and smile and stare into my eyes, to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. She just seems to be more and more obsessed with me the more I pull away from feeling smothered.

I don't think we've been great at communicating about this, as we both are avoidant (though, I tend to be the main one that ever brings anything up) and I think it's gotten to a point where there is so much unresolved tension, that it seems almost impossible to unpack. The few conversations we have had up until recently have been mainly about things like "you often get upset when I want to stay in alone for the night" or "you tend to hold onto me at parties and don't really talk to anyone besides me", all coming from me. Things that are generally symptoms rather than the roots of the issue. She is honestly very good about actually making changes and most of the time does do the things I ask of her.

This began a steady feedback loop of anxiety within me where I would feel guilty for not reciprocating, then pull away out of my avoidant nature. This would then cause her to reach for me even more, which would then cause the cycle to repeat.

Over the past 2 months, it has reached a breaking point for me. It started with me bringing up that I felt like she was being snippy with me lately. She responded by saying it's just a bad habit she has with people she's close to, and that it is because she's been so stressed about work lately. She eventually began to really cry and say that she's so thankful that I'm not breaking up with her and actually trying to work though things. I went into this conversation just being like "this is just something we have to talk about because its bothering me, but once we talk about it, it will be fine" but for some reason the next day I got hit with a wave of doom, like I just realized that our relationship was on the rocks. This sent me spiraling and really trying to introspect to figure out what was going on. Many nights where I literally could not sleep because I was so anxious about our relationship. Days where I was on the verge of vomiting from anxiety. We ended up having multiple conversations where I basically said that (more or less) both of our anxiety issues are causing a rift in our relationship, and that I want to work through it but I'm scared that it's not going to work out. She responded positively all things considered. Though, there were a lot of tears. This led to her beginning to address some of the clingy aspects of herself.

Fast forward a couple days. We're booking a train ticket for a trip we're planning. It is getting stressful because it's the last train and there are only 2 seats and neither of our payment information is going through. She starts freaking out and trying to take the keyboard away from me so that she can do it. I tell her she's stressing me out. She apologizes and we finally get the tickets booked. Throughout the rest of the day, she apologizes a bunch more times and every time i tell her that it's ok. This incessant apologizing stressed me out a lot and led to last night, where I literally could not sleep and had to call out of work.

Today, I decided that enough is enough, and that I need to break up with her. I did it and that brings us to now.

I am heartbroken and unsure if I made the right decision. I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't think I can continue to endure these sleepless nights and agonizing days. Did I make the wrong call? I don't know if I'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change or if this is really a breakup type situation.

TL;DR

After 2+ years together, we broke up today due to a worsening push-pull dynamic: her anxiety fuels clinginess and overcompensation, which triggers my avoidant tendencies and makes me pull away—creating a painful feedback loop we couldn't break. I finally decided to end things. I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right call, wondering if I'm being stubborn or if this was truly unsustainable.

Main stuff:

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up today after just over 2 years together.
She struggles with OCD and bad anxiety and was hospitalized for it as a teenager. She used to have nights of vomiting from anxiety (though that's mostly subsided in the last 6 months). I also have bad anxiety, but I tend to bottle things up while she externalizes.

Up until about 6 months to a year ago, our relationship was amazing—loving, fun, exciting. Since then, it's been a slow decline. The gist is that she's afraid of losing me. I try my best to reassure her and express my love, but she always seems to return to operating out of anxiety.

It's been a push-pull situation: she gets scared I'm losing interest, overcompensates to connect with me, and I pull away in reaction. This shows up in her double-texting me, texting "I love you" multiple times a day, saying she's been thinking about me all day, or staring into my eyes while we're hanging to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. She seems more obsessed with me the more I pull away from feeling smothered.

We haven't communicated well about this—we're both avoidant, though I'm usually the one to bring things up. There's so much unresolved tension now that it feels almost impossible to unpack. The few conversations we've had have been about symptoms rather than roots: "you get upset when I want to stay in alone" or "you hold onto me at parties and don't talk to anyone else." To her credit, she's very good about making changes and usually does what I ask.

This created a feedback loop in me: I'd feel guilty for not reciprocating, pull away out of avoidance, she'd reach for me more, and the cycle repeated.

Over the past 2 months, it reached a breaking point. It started when I brought up that she'd been snippy with me. She said it's a bad habit with people she's close to, due to work stress, and eventually cried, saying she was thankful I wasn't breaking up with her and was trying to work through things. I went into that conversation thinking it would be fine once we talked, but the next day I felt a wave of doom—like I suddenly realized our relationship was on the rocks. That sent me spiraling into introspection, with many sleepless nights and days where I was nearly vomiting from anxiety. We had multiple conversations where I said our anxiety issues were causing a rift, and that I wanted to work through it but was scared it wouldn't work out. She responded positively, though tearfully, and began addressing some of her clingy behaviors.

A couple days later, we were booking train tickets for a trip. It was stressful—last train, only two seats, and neither of our payments would go through. She started freaking out and tried to take the keyboard from me. I told her she was stressing me out. She apologized, we got the tickets, but she kept apologizing over and over the rest of the day. Every time I said it was okay, but the incessant apologizing stressed me out so much that I couldn't sleep last night and had to call out of work.

Today, I decided enough was enough and broke up with her. That brings us to now.
I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right decision. I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but I don't think I can keep enduring these sleepless nights and agonizing days. Did I make the wrong call? I don't know if I'm being stubborn and unwilling to change, or if this really is a breakup-type situation.