u/Queen-of-meme

I struggle to feel confident in myself and this body and I struggle with social anxiety and it's been a year since I was exposed on a beach. I can support others and think they're brave and have the right to enjoy the beach but I am not supportive of myself I'm more like a mean girl in my own head. It's frustrating. Chatgpt said maybe I can accept I'm insecure but that I'm allowed to enjoy the beach anyways. Maybe that's the best deal I get. Idk. Venting here can sometimes release me of that criticsm grip a bit.

First time going to the beach this summer today. I'm probably feeling like the weird shape more than others think I am, this is all me and my my exposure anxiety along with my body insecurities and I don't feel comfy in so little clothes it's triggering for many reasons. But I'm gonna try remember how I see others, that we all deserve to enjoy summer and going to the beach and swim regardless body or looks and that it's brave to do it, and try think that of myself as well. Why is that so hard with myself? I can be so kind and supportive , to others, but with myself I downvote me. It's annoying. Im my own bully. I don't want to be yet I am.

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is \*the voice of courage\*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

This community will never limit anyone to the resources available to become secure and heal from trauma symptoms, so I'm introducing you to a new made community where especially anxious leaning can get support and guidance. I've personally been in contact with the sole moderator. Feel welcome to check it out ---> r/Humanpatterns

For some peak-in to the content here is also a post from the moderator

I'm gonna dig into the secure land by using a psychological technique called internalising, when you identify your patterns as parts with different needs and strategies.

Something happened to me tonight after my partner shared that earlier in the relationship he kept distance when I was dissociating so much and subconsciously pushed my feelings away.

I still have traces of that pattern, when my needs have been more unmet than met, I go inside and I shut down. A small part of me still finds safety in that, but over time the part who knows the cost of shutting down, has become louder, and that part wants to tear the walls down and enjoy being here, grounded and connected with myself and others, in the present and knows that's the true safe space.

So I'm currently forging a path for that part. I'm also reminding myself how to communicate to that part , so that part feels secure enough to stay and continue the growth.

Whats interesting with this is, where do my abandonment triggers go? Where did they come from, and what happens when I no longer give them the spotlight? I thought they would scream louder and revolt like in the past, (from push to pull, from building brick walls, to throwing bricks and claiming abandonment.)

But it seems like they are one with this part that wants to step out in the light, only they are the voice of fear. Let's call it the dark side, they view themselves as helpless and they want me to be saved by my partner, while the light side is *the voice of courage*, and it tells me I am able to impact my own reality - I am my own hero.

The biggest revelation in this is that the more I judge myself, the more helpless I become, the thicker that wall gets, and the safer it feels to not see the light of day. And this gives the illusion that fading away behind a wall is better than being in my human flesh.

My Self-attacks antidote, is my self-empathy. Underneath my defences and triggers lays vulnerable truth, my insecurities , my sorrows, and fears, and they come from the wounded child. The one who carries the terror of the trauma. If I care to meet that child when I'm feeling insecure, my abandonment triggers fade by themselves. The hard ice cube in my hand, becomes water that calmly pours down between my fingers, like a river, it feels peaceful inside my pulse, and in my mind I'm free from chains I myself once used on me.

I'm getting a bit metaphoric but you understand, it all gets a new meaning, once we can start to choose courage. I'm not always courageous, but I know I can be, so my focus regardless previous results, is the present direction of courage.

I hope this nut cracker can resonate to someone else and hopefully lead you right too. In the past I felt ashamed-exposed by my vulnerable posts but I'm not this time around, this is me my purpose has always been to learn and inspire. I'm in my right element right here right now.

His mom has not showed her psychotic states to him before, only to me, until today.

The situation was I tried to recall what I put in her fridge by filming her fridge last grocery shopping, and today when visiting us she claimed she had no food left. So it was urgent to grocery shop. We said it wasn't. (It was full 3 days ago. Both fridge and freezer and pantry.) She said no we're wrong. So I accidentally said I had a film on her fridge, then I couldn't take it back she got curious and wanted to see, I really made a mistake as I knew there was a risk, but my partner did not. So he reassured his mom they would see the film and what a great solution it was. (Normally it would have been) And he went "Here here is your phone honey!" while I egg shell walked my way there and in my mind I went ("This will be bad..")

At first she just sat silent and watched normal. Then: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, IT'S LIKE I'M A PRISONER!! YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE I'M I'M IN PRISON" and shouted straight in my face how I was obnoxious and how wrong I was for counting her 5 milks and 4 butters etc, and she went on how she is completely clear in her head and that she can think, and hear (she can't hear she just refuse to use her hear device) and we shouldn't act like anything else.

My partner sat on the other side of the table in silent shock. I was half prepared she would react in some weird way so I took half an anxiety meds before I opened the film. (I'm very glad I did)

It has been very lonely to witness and experience something that sounds made up, about his mom.

I've told him it's like she's 4 different people and they all have their own memory and feelings and opinions and they switch in milliseconds and her respond to that is panic -> rage.

And I felt my man couldn't entirely believe me and I understand that. But it has been hard for me to be alone in it so him witnessing it both broke my heart but also put it back. I was sad for him, but relieved for me, cause afterwards my man hugged me long and said "I'm sorry I didn't understand, you have tried to tell me, I'm sorry" and said he was really proud of me for how I handled it. (I apologized calmly to her and was as submissive as possible so she would feel in control. Then I went out with the trash to give me and her space to breathe) and how he didn't know how fast she actually switched and that it was just as I've told him.

When I returned she hugged me said sorry she lashed out. I said it's ok we all can lose temper sometimes. Then she switched again "I'm not losing any temper?!" and I said sorry again for accusing her of such things, and by the end of the day I have apologized to her 40 times between her 4 switching personas. All times , in front of my man.

It was stressful but I'm mostly relieved that Now he knows.

Edit: I was still going through the motions when making this post so if it sounded like I try to blame or accuse anyone that's not my intent. My partner is amazing to his mom, and that's not just something I say I take it very seriously to be there for her as much as we can, but her psychosis reactions came sneaking up on us last 1-2 years and I was the first to witness it escalating when he wasn't around, and that was just pure coincidence when he had meetings/was sick etc and I went to see her. It's also possible she can lash out more on me because I'm not her daughter and that can feel extra (what's the word..like I'm trespassing /overstepping?) unsafe someway. So please don't judge my partner this is a hard situation for everyone and everyone does their best.

I try to engage sometimes where I share my experiences or information or it's just jokes and memes. But almost always I feel so anxious I wanna delete everything the day after, I feel huge shame as if I've done something wrong for speaking up, and I doubt others have this level shame for engaging. So why do I? Is it because reddit has made me used to the relaxation in the anonymous?

I'm currently in contact with a user who was temporary shadow banned for spamming their sub link all over reddit and I'm my sub. They dmed me and now they're no longer shadow banned, I could enter their profile, press "join sub" but then came the message "r/ sub has been banned"

So I wonder if it's banned because they spammed the link only, or if they did something abusive?

(They made a new post in my sub 4-5h ago after I deleted the other two they did yesterday as they went under scam bot filter and was automatically flagged. Do I need to ban them?)

Sorry I'm not native in English.

A user in my sub posted while I was offline about their ads products etc and sub similar to my sub, when I clicked on the account it was no user access. They told everyone who interacted "Reddit keeps deleting my sub link so let me dm you the link" and they were auto reported by some bot mod too cause the reports had no mod name under them.

What account are they? Are they a bot? Or abusive user? Banned users alt acc? Why can't their sub link be posted officially? Why is it automatically removed? Or is it something else going on?

I don't understand much with this other than it raised red 🚩 for me. I've never heard of reddit auto removing sub links before.

Edit: Do I need to take any precautions? I've removed their posts but I can't ban their account it's a deleted account with no icon. I asked my partner to check if that user exists on his reddit and it doesn't. Do I need to warn my members?

The abuse nurse said my ex has the typical traits a sociopath has, but I also see BPD symptoms with the jealousy, control behaviour, shift blaming and zero self awareness /delusional, need to be main character and get sympathy even right after laying hands on me etc, sudden mood swings , acting punishing one second/ saving angel the next, claiming no one likes me or cares about me , that the world and other people are all evil, claiming the saviour role, jealousy at my success or skills or connections, etc.

Being on this journey has taught me many things so far. I find that the more I learn about weight loss, about the progress, the struggles and the challenges, the more I realize how little it has to do with weight.

Ironically enough, it's about everything else.

What a person old habits looks like, and what they associate with pain, and with reward. What type of movement that comes most natural to them and what type of foods they prefer as healthier options.

It's through honesty about who we are and our already habits, that we find our indvidual direction in life. And breaking food or sedentary habits is no different. Anyone who thinks they can copy somebody else's routines and expect same results, will need to think again. They need to include their own personality.

The person losing weight is the same person who must be custom - included in any routine or plan. This also goes for when we are to support others in their weight loss. We must adapt the support and shape it around the person rather than throwing them some generalized disciplinary module with "count calories!" or "Walk more!"

Something that's easy to forget is. Knowledge isn't equal to appliance. We all can know that logically, less calories leads to less weight. Or counting calories will give more information on what to cut off. Or running is healthier than couch potatoing. But applying that and making it to long lasting routines where we change our everyday habits and turn around a whole lifestyle? That's something else. And is unlikely to happen over night. It's also unlikely to stick perfectly even if we are progressing more than not. (And it doesn't need to)

Weight loss comes with a learning curve, and in that curve we will get tons of feedback. But if we or our loved ones are not careful, said feedback can turn to guilt. (And guilt is craving self destruction.)

Therefore we ought to view anything that happens , any result , as feedback to where to go next.

Try any ideas a couple weeks and then evaluate. (What helped? What was hard? What needs to be adjusted? What options is available for said adjustment?) Try something again. And allow the learning curve.

It doesn't have to be perfect or work instantly to count. Even ending up in slip ups, comfort, or guilt is feedback for a progress, if you know how to turn pain in to purpose.

The worst obstacle with any habit breaking changes isn't the changes themselves, but how we treat ourselves or our loved ones during the learning curve.

So I have come to the conclusion that weight isn't what matters the most in weight loss. Being kind and respecting the learning curve is.

My MIL is getting worse and I need to rant and clear the system. The other day we visited her and she went '"Who made my bed?"* I said I didn't know and that it wasn't me or hubby. Then she said *"Well it absolutely wasn't me, someone must have broken an entry while we were grocery shopping and made my bed!!*

And she has started tape her name on knives and forks because she's still convinced her ex husband has been there behind her back and cluttered her drawers with new utensils she swears hasn't been there before.

Her opinions, needs, and wants, changes from one minute to the next and if I have listened to her and done what she asked I'm then judged for it because she doesn't remember asking. If I don't help her I'm judge for not helping her. I can't win.

Please share the crazy things you experience with dementia in a loved one. I need to understand that this is not me becoming crazy.

For example in a discussion about taking alcohol or weed to help sleep during an extreme stressful situation and there's no much other options available in a far away cabin and OP wondering about it and it's safety and if others have any experience, advice etc.

Then there's 10 comments calling it AI slop, but when you call them out for not needing to comment unless they believe OP is a human and are there to support OP, they suddenly show that they are triggered by it being about alcohol /weed and that's the real reason.

They are either recovered or recovering alcoholics, has childhood trauma from alcoholic parents or abusive relationships, or some other traumatic /bad association with alcohol or weed.

By going "Haha AI" "Stupid Bot" etc they are indirectly saying they're against alcohol /weed without exposing they have that trigger association, and hating / accusing users as AI is still somewhat the norm on reddit, they can safely project their triggers, without needing to take accountability or face any consequences. (Or they used to anyways.)

I'm a reddit mod and the new norm that's slowly installing is to file AI accusation comments as harassments, more and more mods are moving over to this rule, there's also bots in the making to help us with this, so if someone felt powerful and safe to project under AI hate to bypass harassment rules before, they are in for a ride.

I estimate there will be some wipe cleaning of users who struggles to keep their fists in their pockets while we move over to this norm. But as a mod who believes in second chances, and understand there's a learning curve, I give users a heads up in this post. If you value to be on reddit, you need to handle your projections outside others content from now on be it AI or other triggers. If you hate AI, that's fine, as long as you hate it where hating AI is the topic.

To use a random none personal example. Someone who has a dream to become a restaurant owner. They have some money saved to afford starting up a business. But they don't. Because what if it doesn't go well? What if they become bankrupt?

No investment = no loss.

Only the complex side is that at the same time

No investment = no win exists too.

And a life where we never invest or commit in any context, will never be a winning one. It will never be a happy life where we let fears control our every decision. Happy people demands growth, and growth demands courage. And courage? Demands action (investment /commitment) But risking it all can also lead to very bad consequences that are hard to get back up from. Some never do.

So when do we know when to take action and not? How do we know our decisions follows a stoic direction?

I've always thought decisions that leads to the chance of purpose is worth investing in more times then not, but I'm not sure that's also a stoic direction or if stoicism views decisions differently.

I'm not native in English so if you can explain things with irl examples I understand better. Thanks.

If you associate diet and exercise with reward and self care, you will lose weight - and fast. But if you associate exercise and diet with pain, suffers, abusing yourself or being punished, comfort eating will always be more motivating. And this is a really complex pattern to break on your own.

If you have a pattern where you supress any feelings and accountability. It's no different than a drug addict, and they go to AA or DA. They admit how difficult it is to overcome on their own and they get help.

What happens during food addiction is you supress both your shame and guilt , as well as you being the ones responsible for your health and life. You supress your perceived failures as well as your discipline to carry on. It's like a waiting room between who you don't want to be and who you wanna become. And the longer you stay there the more harsh you get at yourself. But not harsh in a fair, rewarding self-respect way, you attack yourself with 100% contempt. You have a constant bully in your life, and they're inside your head. (Guess how you try to silence said bully? Food)

If someone here relates to this, you try get your discipline under control but you never manage to make it work and you gain and gain or stay at same overweight no matter how you try. Consider you're a (food) addict and get professional help. You deserve help just as much as anyone else, it's never wrong or shameful to need help for something we can't get under control that is harmful to us, it's human.

Sometimes we can't get the results we want on our own, and that's what help is for. 💚

Hi I'm not native in English and used a TDEE calculator to check what daily max calories I can eat, and first it says: "The estimated TDEE or body weight maintenance energy requirement is 1,581 Calories per day."

But below that it says: Energy intake to lose weight: Mild weight loss 1,331 Calories/day

So is my TDEEE 1,581 cals/day or 1,331 cals/day? And why is their two numbers?

I'm also worried cause in here people say you must eat minimum 2500 calories/day and Google said something about it too and that it's dangerous with less and I got confused what's the minimum level.

So should I follow that or the TDEE? (I weight 66 kg, 159cm tall. F35 if that helps)

Edit: Why is this downvoted? Am I not allowed to ask for help here? I can't explain it more clear. I block rude users, if my post is an insult that's your issue. Thanks everyone with kind responses I feel less worried now 💚

(* I will not respond or engage into people's projected triggers. This topic mentions Covid but the focus is Stoic practice. If the content is triggering, please scroll on and make room for us who can discuss it civil.)

---

I got into Stoicism 4-5 years before Covid hit, and so I followed the restrictions in my area and did all the things I was told and got prepared , but I never felt that fear or panic some described. I wonder if any other stoic can relate? That you was ready for whatever might come but you didn't let it become a fear that controlled you and made you act irrational.

Over the years I have reflected why I could relax when others in same circumstance couldn't, (OBS. I refer to people who faced no serious consequences of Covid, we were there too)

I realized a big part of it was my limited access to the news and social media articles about Covid.

99% were negative catastrophe focused all to grasp people's attention, as news often is. You don't put on the news when you need a break and to relax or be grounded or stay present, you put on the news to remain alert, to be shaken up and get a slap in your face to stay on guard. And staying alert was the last thing I needed.

I'm also an optimist and have practiced graditude for several years so even in a collective world panic I will find the little gems of graditude and focus on that to remain peaceful and sane. There is always more than one perspective and even in bad situations, there can come out something good out of it and I'm great at searching and finding those truths. I'm aware I'm amongst the minority. But we exist too. (There was a magazine with only positive news, but most people still chose the classic news paper of horror scenarios that had already happened or scenarios to worry about in the future so that positive magazine didn't survive)

I've also been in life and death crisis situations before and I excelled at it. It was a hidden skill of mine to be extremely calm and collective when others panicked. So with this in my backpack I probably positively assumed whatever happens

• I got it. I will make it. I will get through it. All will be okay.

I figure this is an interesting brain picking for stoics when it comes to fear vs confidence. You're welcome to ask me any questions you have.