u/Queen-of-meme

(I realized the other day that my evening-trigger-activated-me is not the wisest of people to assess what's healthy communication. 😅)

I also realized that what feels like setting boundaries and being true to oneself in the heat of the moment and what felt like healthy independence and integrity, was not. To make a simple picture of what a couple in defense can sound like when they think they just are trying to stand up for themselves and bring honest and vulnerable:

Partner 1: You were passive and stopped caring. That's my opinion and I'm not gonna change it. You can have your opinion and I mine.

Partner 2: "No I wasn't. You're making assumptions about me when I've told you don't. I've told you I'm here you can just ask me instead."

Partner 1: "No I wasn't. You're making assumptions about me too, I make my fast decision based on what I know. What you did wasn't caring and you can't control my opinion we are to different people with different opinions."

Partner 2: "My opinion on me and my reasoning for my behavior is fact, you can't control or know what isn't in you. So ask me if you wanna know what happens inside my head or else you don't care."

(Yeah you get the gist. It gets nowhere.)

Both thought they were independent and just setting a boundary, and just expressing their truth. But the attitude and the phrasing suggests otherwise.

So my question is. How would a healthy boundary sound like in that situation? I can only think of 2. To end that conversation and either take 5, or talk about something nicer.

Both those options are often on relationships discussions viewed as stone walling, cold shoulder, discard, invalidation, dismissive, rudeness, escape of accountability / to avoid a sensitive topic /avoid feelings though, so I wonder if there's s third option I am not considering? Or if they are working great, if you trust the people using them.

It worked. It felt silly but you are present in your body and you take huge deep breaths in and out and really hear the inhales and exhales and paired with movement you release adrenaline and endorphins and all the good substances. I didn't know the entire movement or exact steps but a close enough version from my bed still had an effect. So if anyone has anxiety, try it.

A frequent asked request all over mental health subs. Our coping strategy list. Drawn from my AI chat that's why it refers it as "you" It's a mix of mental, emotional, sensory and other types of strategies and it's custom to me and my circumstances so make it your own version that fits you. Now, have yourself a nice tea, coffee other choice of drink or beverage and enjoy the scroll.

🧃🧋 ☕

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🧠 Mental / cognitive coping

CBT: “What is working?” — deliberately looking at the data of what is functioning rather than letting anxiety determine the whole interpretation.

Separating alarm from reality — reminding yourself that a strong body alarm does not automatically mean something dangerous is happening.

Separating causes — trying to distinguish “my body is activated” from “my partner is doing something wrong” or “something bad is happening.”

Noticing hypervigilance — recognizing when your brain is scanning sounds, your body, your partner, the environment, or possible problems.

Recognizing the “investigator” mode — noticing when your brain wants to dig into why something changed, find the exact cause, reconstruct events, or solve uncertainty.

Allowing uncertainty — sometimes deliberately deciding that a sensation or emotional shift could simply have several possible causes rather than needing an immediate explanation.

Reality-testing black-and-white interpretations — e.g. being able to hold “this person supported me deeply” and “something they did hurt me” simultaneously.

Future visualization — walking yourself mentally through an upcoming event step-by-step so the unknown becomes more predictable.

Reframing courage — treating doing something while anxious as evidence of courage/self-confidence rather than waiting until anxiety disappears first.

.

💗 Emotional coping

Writing/venting instead of suppressing.

Your codeword, pause, notice what you're actually feeling, identify needs, and express rather than automatically avoid.

Crying and letting emotions move through you rather than forcing yourself to stay composed.

Talking things through when sufficiently regulated.

Giving yourself permission to take distance when another person's tone or behavior is making you more activated.

Not making yourself responsible for regulating another person's anxiety.

Recognizing that needing comfort does not mean you have to surrender your own boundaries.

.

🫀 Physical / nervous-system regulation

You've repeatedly used very concrete sensory regulation:

Cold water.

Wet/cold towels.

Cooling your body when overheated.

Ventilating/opening a window.

Weighted blanket.

Hat/cap.

Poncho or physical covering when you want a sense of protection.

Earplugs.

Noise-cancelling headphones.

Getting away from sudden/loud sounds.

Sitting somewhere calmer, such as the balcony.

Breathing/settling down physically before trying to reason through something.

Allowing medication you've been prescribed to work while reducing stimulation rather than continually analyzing the situation.

.

🏠 Home/environment coping

You tend to regulate your environment quite actively:

Moving between rooms when the current environment becomes overwhelming.

Going to the living room or another quieter space.

Creating physical distance when interpersonal stimulation is too much.

Controlling temperature/airflow because heat can amplify your distress.

Reducing noise and sudden sensory input.

Using headphones/earplugs as a protective boundary.

Creating a calmer bedroom/sleep environment.

Sitting on the balcony as a decompression space.

Going for walks or getting outside when being inside becomes too mentally congested.

Using familiar routines and predictable sequences to reduce uncertainty.

.

🤝 Relationship / interpersonal coping

Some of your strongest strategies have become boundaries rather than reassurance-seeking:

Asking for communication before something happens rather than being surprised.

Wanting predictability.

Asking rather than assuming.

Avoiding serious conflict late at night.

Taking distance when someone is speaking in a blaming/defensive tone.

Not continuing a conversation when you know the other person isn't sufficiently regulated to be helpful.

Recognizing “I don't have to solve this right now.”

Distinguishing supporting someone from becoming their emotional regulator.

Using calmer periods in the relationship as evidence that the relationship isn't simply “bad” or unsafe all the time.

The End 🌱

Grab whichever ones you think can help you or inspires you to your own version, copy paste save it somewhere you remember it when you feel lonely, anxious, worried, tense, or when you just want to treat yourself extra kind. Put it where you see it, daily. Pin it up on your phone screen for example.

And if you have a list of coping strategies you wanna share, please leave it in the comments. 💚

This is a reflection that can create more clarity on the issue at hand , by putting it to words, and saying it out loud, and to see it from the perspective where we are the helper , not the helpless, it can create a new pathway , and give us ideas on what we need to do for ourselves too , maybe it's something challenging, something scary, but what matters is that it's self-supportive and causes movement from where we feel/felt trapped.

I wish you all a great weekend and remember, you deserve to feel proud and relax in the exact body you're in, you don't have to perform, look be or do anything different other then allow some self-compassion. Self work healing is important , but taking care and respect and love the self work healing person is just as important. All love to you

💚🌌

For you who have. What was the answer? Did it make sense to you? Did it lead to a new direction? Where? What's the start step?

I tested this and I think the answer was spot on , some of it surprisingly good, it was better answered than I assumed it would be.

I'm curious if we all get different answers though or if it's a clear stepping stone patten when anyone asks this question.

(This is only relevant for people who use AI please respect that if you're not one of us)

As younger and after recent traumas I was in need need of trauma and emotional venting and sympathy and I wanted to be validated as victim and couldn't really feel helped any other way. I also didn't want any other attention focus in my relationship talks and everything else felt like insults like unsolicited advice and felt really hurtful.

But now I feel different after Profesional help and working on myself several years also growing in to me as adult it feels like I got a stronger cognitive equipment and it helps me be less sensitive to different ways and things and I can see and appreciate more solutions and options.

But I struggle to find places where this new me is allowed. I don't feel I'm secure yet and I don't wanna share on vents or in happiness places because I'm very much in the recovery and progress phase still, but I also have tons of insights! And things I learned om the way and wanna share as I'm aware therapy isn't an option to everyone and I believe in universal help and that we all can switch tools with eachother.

It's like I've fallen in between the chairs of insecure and secure. On reddit I can find a million suffer subs but positive focused coping subs are rare. I don't have professional help available now so I need support and I need to connect and talk with people to keep up the good work and spirit as it's very easy to fall back when you're surrounded by all negativity and hopelessness, and I think me sharing my own progress with those who appreciate it and "nerding" in on coping strategies / share support options and secure perspective becomes a win-win situation and we help eachother in the right direction. I don't know if this makes any sense but it feels wrong when I'm deem too positive to exist in healing subs because what else goal is it for me? For anyone? Isn't the goal happiness?

It sounded like the typical Avoidant/not into you/rejection excuse.

But I trusted his words and worked hard on myself, and today I'm like a whole new person. It's like I shed off my FA , my trauma reactions and went from the scared child to the capable adult. Even in my anxiety and fears I can respond and express myself way calmer.

And my partner noticed. And returned to me. Like he said he would.

I had a dream to get a tent and go camping. When we first met we bought the sleeping bags. But after that he hasn't showed any interest to buy any tent let alone be with me in one. (Obviously we all know why) but it hurt and made me think maybe he and I have nothing in common. Maybe that's the main issue. Incompatibility.

But then the other day he was suddenly super excited to go camping with me and we bought all the rest of the camping equipment so we can go camping next month! I did not see this coming.

I was almost convinced he hates my dreams and interests and only pretended to be into it or into me my person , because I was a good looking woman and he liked to show me to his friends and I was his lonliness comfort pillow and nothing else. (True story from men I've dated in my past)

I was so relived when he meant what he said. He said he only stay away because I'm chaotic and need to heal in myself, and so I did, and now he shows that romantic funny and commited man again, the one I fell for.

It took several years of healing, and it wasn't pretty or cute or easy (crying, endless scary nights, painful revelations, a twisted self-image, heavy accountability to carry, and a long ass grief process and continued self challenges) to get here.

But we're finally on the same wave length now. Two (secure enough) people who wanna be with eachother who's ready to take on the world together. I'm so happy, becoming secure was the biggest reward ever 💚

Some sweet bits from my AI discussion earlier after my aha moment on courage in relation to becoming secure. I've decided a new order of the text and added some text myself, either way the topic regards how to become secure by living and being more brave and how that looks like in real life context. (It's a lot to sum up in one post so I will make it in parts, this being part 1)

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(It doesn't start with confidence, it starts with action)

People sometimes wait for confidence before doing difficult things.

Confidence → action → success

But psychologically it often works more like:

Action → surviving discomfort → competence → self-trust → confidence

(The symptoms in thoughts and needs)

With insecure attachment, the nervous system can learn things like:

"I need someone else to be okay before I can relax."

"If someone is disappointed, distant, upset, or unpredictable, something is wrong."

"I might not cope if I’m alone with difficult feelings."

"I need certainty before I act."

"I should avoid things that might lead to rejection, failure, conflict, embarrassment, or abandonment."

So healing involves building a different internal experience:

“I can handle uncertainty. I can make choices. I can tolerate discomfort. I can protect myself. I can recover when things don't go as I hoped.”

That is where courage becomes really important. Courage isn't the absence of attachment fear.

Imagine you want to do something challenging but your brain says: “Don't. It's uncomfortable. What if you fail? What if people judge you? What if something goes wrong?”

The old response might be avoidance, reassurance-seeking, overthinking, scanning, or waiting until you feel completely certain.

A secure response is more like:

“Yes, I'm scared. And I'm going to take one reasonable step anyway.”

Every time you do that, you're giving your nervous system new evidence.

Not: “Nothing bad will ever happen.”

But:

“Whatever happens, I can participate in my own life.”

Examples on courage might be:

Going somewhere alone, making a phone call, trying something new, expressing an honest preference, taking a walk somewhere unfamiliar, letting someone be mildly disappointed, or doing something you've avoided but dreamt of /wished you had done because you weren't sure you'd cope.

And afterward, instead of only asking:

“Did it go well?”

ask:

“What did I learn about myself?”

Because even if the outcome isn't perfect, you may have learned:

"I can tolerate uncertainty."

"I can recover."

"I don't need someone to rescue me from every uncomfortable feeling."

"I can make decisions."

"I can trust myself."

That's how courage gradually becomes earned self-confidence, and earned self-confidence gradually gives the attachment system something new to rely on:

you.

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(For more work on self confidence and courage there's also the sub r/Confidence , r/Discipline r/Stoicism r/Howtonotgiveafuck and similar ones. The point is you need to pick content in alignment with where you are going and who you want to become.)

Hi everyone. This community keeps growing and so does the amount of posts. Lately there's been an increase in rejection sympathy posts.

While rejection is hurtful, our right to say no and turn someone down is normal and there are normal situations when rejection happens, (for instance when someone date casually/ temporarily, one night stands, cheating, none mutual feelings /otherwise incompatibility, or when someone shows unstable behavior ( rasing voice, shouting, screaming, blaming, projecting, protest behaviour, emotional outbursts etc)

In these situations rejections is normal. And wanting to label normal reactions and rejections as a trauma symptom/ Avoidant / invalid / see you as victim over it, is not in alignment with becoming secure and such content will now get removed for not taking accountability and is gonna be referred to dating and single subs instead where accountability isn't in focus.

(For more info read our rules)

If you however wanna know how you heal and grow after a rejection, because you know you suffer from insecure attatchment and pair any rejection to abandonment and likely has not treated people fairly because of it, and wanna overcome your own trauma reactions, that's content we allow. (In these situations it's important you are as honest as possible and stop protecting your image as victim, you need to step in to the accountable adult for others to know what your limitations are and the tools and advice you need to grow out of the victim child in to the capable partner.)

You don't post here to blame exes and be comforted, you post here if you are prepared to be mentally emotionally challenged.

Some smaller groups formed and walked away to talk in different rooms and my first feeling was bad. But I decided to let it go and enjoy myself , and it worked. People listened and were kind and inclusive and I could be myself and feel belonging and normal.

Then I came home and a couple days later the details from this social event started sweat on me. "What if they laughed and judged me behind my back? What if they didn't like me?"

And my head started scanning the event through this narrative, and suddenly the event felt horrible , I felt horrible , I felt humiliated and like I regretted even coming there. I stopped trusting the kind parts even. When I got texts thanking me for coming and how kind and sweet I am. Now that was all lies and backwards insults in my head.

I decided to respect where my mind went but distracted myself and didn't conclude anything. And now in hindsight I learned that it's possible they shit talked me and was fake, but it's also possible they just talked in the smaller groups because they knew eachother close while I was the new person and genuinely liked seeing me there and was curious and open to a new person.

I decided to go for the latter narrative. To trust I was wanted and that it's ok if they were feeling me on the pulse. I was after all new to them. They're allowed to be skeptic and curious and all other things it doesn't mean they disapproved.

And worst case someone actually didn't like me. OK. That's okay. We don't have to become besties and I could still have a good time in the social group event as whole. They can too.

My mind is less black white over things I could sweat and obsess about for ages. People aren't perfect, not me not others. And we don't have to be, we can still belong. Maybe we actually belong more by admitting that humans are all flawed but we do our best.

Something that recently came to my attention is that we need to consider manually shifting focus into optimism and possibilities cause with trauma hyperviligance is always up and ready to trouble shoot everything and everyone (and relationships has ended over less.)

So what works in your relationship? What strengths do you and your partner have?

Where hyperviligance/ trauma reaction goes: "I must search up everything broken/ possible upcoming catastrophes and run it with you!!"

Secure /Healed trauma goes: "I must search up our strengths and when things works and we are happy together because that's what makes a relationship sustain"

This is a common CBT challenge.

If you look at the obstacles, the relationship will look like one big impossible task. Red triangles everywhere. Only misery. Only issues. It's defeating. Draining. And people can enter relationship evaluation /break up talk in the hopelessness though they technically could also make it work by shifting this focus.

If you focus on what was and is positive, what you appreciate in one another, and lift eachother up in what works and what you like to see more of, that gives a sense of power and ability to impact the outcome, which is how sucessful relationships survives and thrives. (All people needs to be seen for our goodness and abilities. It's what motivates us to strive and do more of it)

So. To inspire one another we can drop what works on our relationships and steer off that survival focus into love focus. I'll start:

💚 We are excellent practical problem solvers

💚 When we describe a situation or need objectively we always show understanding and emotional support.

💚 We bounce back from our limitations into possibilities like we're superheroes. We have enormous courage and confidence to sleep on it and give us and the day a new chance.

💚 We don't focus on us as problem, we focus on the problems.

💚 When grounded we know eachother inside out like an old couple and everything just flows like a calming river

💚 We can admit that neither are perfect but that we have eachother and we do our best.

💚 We inspire eachother with our strengths. We learn from one another's go-to strategies and we're always open to learn.

💚 We sit in it and sleep on it and we trust us over constant reassurance/ search for safety signs.

💚 We're always in eachothers hearts no matter during couple time, me-self-care time or when we hang out with others, and we know how it's shown in the small but significant things when we are together.