I’m 24 now, have a master’s degree, and at the same time I’m self-employed and have made a lot of money. According to many women, I’m good-looking and also likable. But I can’t find a girlfriend no matter what I do.

I’ve used three dating apps—Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble—for many years with premium subscriptions and have easily spent over €300. I’ve also had quite a few matches, probably over 100 in total throughout the years, averaging around two per week. But nothing ever comes of it. Either I get ghosted (very often), conversations die midway through, or the dates go badly.

According to many women, my profile is actually pretty good. I don’t have any mirror selfies; I have outdoor photos where I’m smiling and photos where I look fit. I get about four dates per year, so not really enough for things to work out for me.

Most dates go reasonably well. We go for a walk or grab something to eat and talk a lot about our interests and other topics. But afterward, they always say, “It’s not a match” or “I don’t feel the connection.” This has happened with about 20 women in a row now. Only a few have gone on a second date with me, but none of them wanted a third date. In fact, I’ve never had a third date.

Recently, I was ghosted after a date as well. I never got another message from her. She still follows me on social media, but nothing else has happened. Maybe she’s dead—I honestly don’t know. Across all of these dates, I’ve never had a kiss or even cuddled with anyone. Yet every time, the women tell me it was a relaxed date and that I’m nice and likable.

My friends are all male. I’ve been a member of three sports clubs. I played basketball there, so there weren’t many women around either. I currently go to the gym and am building muscle. I’ve also attended several university events and asked four women for their numbers, but all four were already in relationships.

I also approached two other women in real life. One was in a relationship, and the other was asexual. Things felt awkward somehow, and both situations fizzled out.

I’ve messaged well over 500 women on Instagram. That led to about four dates, but nothing came from those either. I’ve even considered hiring dating coaches, but I’m skeptical. I feel like there’s something about my personality that is incredibly unattractive and only good enough for friendship. I suspect it might be a confidence issue, although that doesn’t really make sense given my achievements. I also don’t know how to improve it.

At this point, I’d even be happy just to find someone to cuddle with, but I can’t even find that.

As a result, I’ve become depressed (at least I think so—there’s no official diagnosis), and it affects me every day. I honestly don’t want to keep living like this. I have dark thoughts every day. Constantly feeling too unattractive for women is a horrible feeling, especially when you’ve tried so many things and it seems to work effortlessly for everyone else.

Some of the women I dated have already had two new relationships in the meantime. Two weeks after I dated one woman, she had a WhatsApp profile picture with another guy, for example. So for women, it really seems like the easiest thing in the world.

I just don’t understand how this can work so naturally for so many people, while for me it feels like the hardest thing imaginable—something completely impossible. All I want is to see someone regularly, talk to each other, develop feelings, and that’s it. What’s so difficult about that?

Anyway, does anyone have any idea what I can do? And yes, I’m already signed up for therapy, but it hasn’t started yet.

Is there anyone who used to have terrible luck with women—no dates, nothing at all—but later became successful and ended up dating many women successfully?

Feel free to message me privately as well.

(I put my original text to a translator, so that's why this text looks a bit polished)

I'm going to start off by saying I'm in therapy and working on this there of course... Just wanted to get some other perspectives.

I'm 35m and honestly still trying to come to terms with the fact that I've had trauma and that it is why I am the way that I am today. Without going into details of the trauma because A. I don't want to trauma dump and B. I don't even know the reasons... Here's kind of where I'm at.

Talking to people terrifies me. I have to build myself up to have a conversation and usually I stick with bits of conversation that I've rehearsed in my head a billion times until the other person disengages and then I take a breath before thinking over what I could have done to seem more normal. I don't express my own opinion anymore, almost ever, I try to always say what is most acceptable to the most people and pray that my read on whoever I'm talking to is correct so that I don't offend them.

To give an example of how I've changed... I was a philosophy major who used to like to argue with people as a fun way to pass the time...

I try to make friends but it never feels like anyone actively wants to spend time with me and I lack the confidence to try and pursue the friendship anyways.

I don't know if I'm posting this question in the right spot... But I'm interested to hear what you all have to say

I’m 22 years old, and recently I started noticing that self doubt is affecting almost everything I do.

Whenever I wanna try something new, my brain immediately goes to “you probably can’t do it” or “you’re gonna fail anyway”. Sometimes it becomes so annoying that I stop before even trying.

And even when I actually do the thing, I keep doubting myself during the whole process. Every choice, every decision, everything.

It also happens when I speak English (it’s my second language). People around me tell me my English is good enough, and some even told me it’s really good, but every time I speak I still feel like maybe I said something wrong or weird.

The weird thing is that logically I know I’m not “bad” at things. Like I already did hard things before. But mentally, I still feel like I’m not capable enough.

Did anyone here go through this before?

What actually helped you build confidence for real? Books, habits, experiences, literally anything.

So i'm not social and have alot of anxienty.... no confidence at all... any advice on becoming more "confortable" and more "confident" in social settings...?

I do have a job where i help alot of people which is not a problem for some reason, probaly because its automatic at this point....

but besides that i get really anxious and shy around people... i turn red for no reason at all.... i'm also not sure if i like how i look even tho i workout and are in good shape... even around "friends" i sometimes get overwhelmed and get anxious for no reason and don't even get me started about crowded places...

I'm so lost and have no idea how and where to start, has anyone have the same problems i have..?

If so what did you do to be more confident and comfortable?

Hi! I am 23M and I am seeking advice on how to build my self-worth and confidence. I have my life together, great career, a job that I love, good friends, go to the gym everyday and have a good physique, and just got into a relationship too.

On paper, it seems that I shouldn't be having low confidence issues but my mood swings really much due to outside influence. Most of them is from my relationship or friends. For example, my friend cancels last minute on plans, that could make me really depressed and I think I'm worthless. Or, if my girlfriend doesn't respond for a long time, I think she doesn't care about me. But when I get good news, I feel really good and confident.

I lost my father at a young age and my parent's relationship was not great so I think maybe childhood trauma might cause this? Also, I used to be not confident all day due to lack of friends, career success, and romantic success, and body image. But I took time to improve these areas and I thought that these anxious and feelings of worthlessness wouldn't come back but they are, due to outside triggers.

Does anyone have any advice on how to repair this? I just want my mental health to not depend on other people and that when things with others don't go well, I can still recognize my own value and go about my day.

Thanks in advance!

I'm a brazilian teenager, 17 years old, and public speech never was my best skill.

Since I started to do presentations in the college, I was never able to do that like I really wanted. When I go to, my body feels so anxious and I can't do a good presentation.

Someone has some hints to help me in this situation?

***sorry my bad english 😞

I have never been the type to get compliments at all, for the first 20 years of my life I dont think I genuinely got a genuine compliment from anyone. I always told myself that the reason im not confident is because of that.But as I grew more confident and being able to actually show my personality, style, humor I began to recieve some compliments and confidence boosting events.

What I did find is that these things definitely helped but it was not a fix, just a bandaid. I could spend days or weeks feeling good because something that has happened or something that has been told to me. After that period however I am right back to doubting myself. Even though these things are genuine and something I have been wishing for my entire life I still dont believe im good enough at some times.

So why would I feel that, and is this something normal to feel at times? I would definitely say that im more confident now than I was back then, but I still find me not backing myself enough when it comes to certain things.

Hi!

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about confidence, and while talking to different people I realized that the word means different things to different people.

So, I’m really curious, what does the word self-confidence mean to you?

Also, if you had unlimited amounts of confidence, how would your life change?

Please chime in, I hope we have a discussion and make some interesting discoveries.

I have always been very self confident of my flat chest, I am 32B, barely even fill it out. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he says he likes my boobs the way they are. Yet I can’t shake the feeling he enjoys when other women have more than me. I think if I had bigger breasts, maybe we would have sex with me more. He used to try and build my confidence about this but nothing seemed to work, so he sort of gave up with reassuring me. Getting boobs out has been pushed so much in tv, mainstream media, that’s it’s pretty much normal these days and it’s always had a lot of power over me and how I see myself. I hate looking at myself because of it. I have tried to put on weight to gain it there, doesn’t work. Tried exercising and focusing on other parts of body, doesn’t help and I give up. I am so weary when we are out in public or other women who have more than me, it even bothers me when he is scrolling and some meme accounts or whatever post about big breasted woman. He says it’s not always sexual, well why do we have sex more once you’ve been exposed to that??? I even wore a dress and used stick on breast inserts for a larger appearance and he couldn’t keep his hands off me, it makes me feel like that’s what he is lacking or something.

I am very in my head almost every day about this and it is worse when I am around my boyfriend. I don’t even care if the breasts are large or not, anything that is more than mine and I feel shit about myself. How do I become more confident in myself when it comes to this?

And do men genuinely prefer bigger breasts? Because my boyfriend says he doesn’t - but I know it’s like a natural thing to look, I get the whole it’s a science thing to see if they are good enough to have children with. What is everyone’s take on this? Do men actually like woman with no boobs as well as women with average to large size? Do men think about boobs more often than they say? When men see women with cleavage showing, do they sexualise it? If a man sees a pretty person with cleavage or breasts out, does this make them want to have sex with their partner?

(24M) I always take care on how i behave in public, but there is this thing that still bothers me, is how i fail. In the past, during childhood, whenever if fail at a sport during the PE class, i would be mocked and offended by colleagues. In my house, my father wanted all to be perfect and would notice, screaming, every single thing i did wrong (like letting my toothbrush at the bathroom instead of letting it in my room). So i grew up afraid of failure, and taking all the measures to avoid it.

While in work environment, i put a pressure on myself to do everything right, but i was still hearing some complaints and that was so frustrating. I felt miserable every second at this job. My manager was a bitter person overall, she always had a disgust frown "patterned" at her face. She was always complaining about me. I was multi-tasking to the bones, but to her there was nothing good. Since i was working at retail, i had to be worried about the costumer too. If i failed (i.e took more than 10 minutes to process ), to customer would be mad, and the manager would be mad at me by ruining the reputation of the store. Like an old man screaming at me ,calling me slog, and the manager did nothing.

But the point is, whenever i fail, i have to deal with the pressure of parents, colleagues, bosses, friends, all the mockery and annoyance coming of them. I would like to know how get over it.

For most of my twenties I operated on a simple principle: don't ask, don't get rejected. Don't apply, don't get turned down. Don't speak up, don't get embarrassed. It felt like self-protection. It was actually just self-sabotage with better PR.

The thing that changed it wasn't a book or a podcast or a breakthrough in therapy. It was a simple rule: once a day, ask for something you expect to be told no to. Do that for 30 days. That's it.

Here's exactly how I did it, and what it did to my confidence.

What rejection therapy actually is:

Rejection therapy was popularized at around 2012, though the underlying mechanism is well established in psychology - it's essentially a form of exposure therapy. The premise is that fear of rejection isn't really about rejection itself. It's about anticipation. Every time you avoid asking for something, your brain logs it as a near-miss with something dangerous. Over time, avoidance doesn't protect you from fear - it feeds it.

The fix is repetition. You ask. You get told no. Nothing bad happens. You ask again. Your nervous system slowly updates its threat assessment.

How to structure the 30 days:

The mistake most people make is starting too big. You don't build exposure tolerance by jumping straight to the thing that terrifies you most. You build it incrementally.

Week 1 is about getting comfortable with the mechanics. Ask a barista if you can get a drink for free. Ask a restaurant if they'll make something off-menu. Ask a stranger for a small favor. The requests don't matter much - what matters is that you're practicing the physical act of asking for something uncertain, and learning that a no lands softly and ends quickly.

Week 2 is about tolerating the pause. That two-second window between asking and hearing the answer is where almost all the anxiety lives. Slightly raise the stakes - ask your landlord for a small concession, ask a colleague for honest feedback, ask someone you'd normally not approach. You're training yourself to stay in that pause without flinching.

Week 3 introduces social stakes. Ask someone you find attractive for their number. Ask your manager for something you've been sitting on. Have a conversation you've been postponing. By now the anticipatory dread should be noticeably smaller - not gone, but manageable. You have evidence now that you survive these moments.

Week 4 is where you use the skill on things that actually matter to you. The job application you've been talking yourself out of. The rate increase you haven't asked for. The relationship conversation you keep deferring. The whole point of the first three weeks was to get here - to have enough reps behind you that the real asks feel like just another ask.

What actually shifts:

A few things tend to happen that people don't anticipate going in.

People say yes far more than you expect. Rejection therapy has a somewhat misleading name - a significant portion of requests get granted, simply because most people in the world are reasonably accommodating when asked directly and politely. This is useful data for your self-image.

The rejection itself is almost never the hard part. What's hard is the anticipation. Once you've been told no thirty or forty times and nothing bad has followed, your brain starts to update. The story you've been telling yourself, that you can't handle embarrassment, that rejection means something about your worth - starts to lose its footing.

Avoidance has been costing you more than you knew. This is usually the quietest but most significant realization. When you look back over 30 days of asking, you start to see the shape of how much you'd been managing around fear - the opportunities you'd quietly opted out of, the things you'd convinced yourself you didn't want anyway.

One practical thing that makes this work better:

Keep a log. After each attempt, write one or two sentences: what you asked, what the outcome was, how you felt an hour later. Not during - after. You're documenting the gap between how catastrophic something felt in anticipation and how minor it felt in hindsight.

After two weeks, that log becomes the most convincing argument you'll have against your own anxiety. You're not telling yourself to be more confident. You're showing yourself evidence that you already are.

That's really the whole thing. Thirty days, one ask at a time, a two-sentence log. The confidence isn't something you find at the end of it - it's something that accumulates quietly in the middle, ask by ask, until one day you notice the pause doesn't scare you anymore.

Lmk what you think, would love to hear your thoughts on it!

For years I genuinely believed some people were just “naturally charismatic” and the rest of us got unlucky. I was quiet growing up, moved around a lot, and always felt behind socially. What changed my life was realizing social skills are not personality traits. They’re trainable behavioral patterns.

Once I started treating social skills like an actual skill instead of an identity, everything changed. I started studying psychology, body language, persuasion, conversation structure, charisma research, etc the same way people study fitness or language learning. The more I learned, the more I realized charismatic people are usually doing a bunch of small things consistently: making people feel heard, holding eye contact calmly, asking open-ended questions, regulating their own nervous system, reading emotional cues, speaking with clarity, showing warmth without seeming needy, etc.

One huge insight came from Matthew Hussey. One thing he talks about a lot is how confidence is often built through action and repetition, not “feeling ready” first. That mindset genuinely changed how I approached conversations and social anxiety. Another thing that helped a lot was Celeste Headlee’s TED Talk on conversations. Learning to ask genuinely open questions and actually LISTEN instead of waiting for my turn to speak instantly made conversations feel less stressful.

I also became interested in practical charisma psychology. Captivate was the first book that made charisma feel learnable instead of mystical. The Charisma Myth breaks charisma into presence, warmth, and power in a really practical way. How to Win Friends and Influence People still holds up insanely well for trust-building and communication. Modern Wisdom and Vanessa Van Edwards also completely changed how I think about confidence, likability, and social dynamics.

Honestly one of my biggest struggles was constantly saving social skills content but never applying it consistently. I’d buy books, bookmark videos, save podcasts, then forget half of it a week later. One thing that helped me organize and structure what I was learning was an app called BeFreed, which I tried for turning scattered ideas into more focused learning paths instead of just consuming random content.

The biggest mindset shift for me was realizing charisma is usually not about being the loudest or funniest person in the room. It’s about making other people feel comfortable, understood, emotionally safe, and genuinely listened to.

Social skills are trainable. Most people just never practice them deliberately.

Like, I don't see this advantage in faking confidence or being confident. People do not care if you are not attractive, I've never seen someone average being awarded for being confident. People hate on you more if you are actually, if I ever try to be confident I get put in my place real quick every time. There are things I am silently not allowed to do. If I try to talk to a woman I either get these "what the fuck you want" interactions from them, attractive people I know have women almost salivate even if they tell them "hello". Like what is the point, I see other people being confident while averagish/under average but they almost 100% get memed and shit on for it, no exception.

This whole "If you are confident people treat you better and take you seriously" not really, from my experience. The only thing that got me more respect than anything was losing weight, no pseudo-fake it till you make it worked, because it just does not work. And my confidence at the time did not change either, people just found me more attractive so they respected me more.

I understand that there is this want to help others with this discourse but I honestly believe it's so disingenuous, like I don't have a single story like the ones of reddit of "I am attractive and I can't date because I am insecure while my friend that is ugly can because he has confidence" like stfu, it's not true lol. I'd say any above average person I know had at least 5 relationship and countless hook ups, and I am 23 with most of my friends being the same age.

It literally does not matter, I've never heard of anyone praise others confidence, only looks, nothing else, and it's so unfair how little you can change about it.

I know I don't sound like a ray of sunshine, but honestly I am just tired, attractive people are dating and fucking easily, only average or under average people are having issue. I still need to see in the face someone that is above average and have them say they never had a relationship, it's just not plausible and if they do not for real they can fix that in like 1 week of forcing themselves to go outside. If you tell me you are attractive and cannot date, you are probably not that attractive, the attractive people I know just have to breath outside to have people take interest. The whole "it's your personality or be more confident" sound a lot like cope to me.

Most people that use this mentality go years without anything and then wonder why, because in reality you effectively changed nothing. At this point I can confidently say that looks are like 90% of dating, that who says otherwise is either attractive(while being socially inept, like completely) or lying, and that people that use always this "confidence" argument just don't want to give you real suggestions because you are annoying them and cut to the short method so they don't have to tell you that you are ugly or fat.

I (18f) have self harmed for 5 years, I only stopped as of last year. I have prominent scars, everywhere. the whole of my legs, the whole of my arms, one on my neck, one on my chest, 3 minor ones my stomach, even my left hand.

I'm beautiful, I know I'm beautiful in the face, and my body too, I mean, I don't have the height for it but I do have model proportions.

I like to dress a little revealing because I look good physically. but I'll never be able to get rid of the tights covering my scars under my skirts and shorts. I'll never be able to get rid of the arm warmers and the mesh shirts under my dresses and tank tops.

recently I learned that my ex best friend had told one of my friends "she should stop wearing tank tops her scars are so ugly". it hurts. I wish I could go out in short skirts, dresses and shorts without any tights, body oil on my legs and have people think they look good.

I'd be such a beauty if I had never done this to myself. I have no idea what to even do, tattoos are so expensive, I only have one for now on my upper arm, and I have no idea how to go about laser.

now all people see when they look at me is probably "she's a freak".

I wish I could go to the beach and feel beautiful, not panic when I can't find my stupid arm warmers and I'm already running late, they're supposed to be just an accessory after all.

I find myself always having a conflict between internal expectations and what my actions are. I want to progressively turn into someone who is respected and doesn't do bs all the time. Yet, when I go to school, I turn towards my social nature and start acting like a goofy dick who no one takes seriously.

I become too social, rowdy at times, and just someone who gives too many fucks about others and what they think. I chase social approval asf, and I've become super far from what I want to be. I accept that change should come from within and from my mindset, but I'm not able to totally ingrain this into my mind, and once I start my goofy sh again, I fall into the loop.

i'm not sure how to change this. any tips? thanks

I’m not attractive. I have a toned body, but no matter what I do to my face, it’ll never look attractive. I have a strange and asymmetrical face, with strong features that do not look feminine. I do my best to look nice and put together, but that can’t change genetics.
I have hobbies, I’m well educated, I have a job I like, I work hard, I have friends but I’m very shy and introverted. My friends tell me I’m pretty but I just don’t look like other people at all. Even my bf said to me that I have an unconventional face.

I’m in a relationship right now, and I find other women intimidating and as a threat because they are all so beautiful and interesting and social.

My bf is social and loves to chat to people, so of course a lot of women come to him too. I constantly wonder why he’s with me when he could have all those other options. I’m afraid that one day he’ll cheat on me because he has so many better girls around him. This has been a source of a lot of our arguments because I immediately get insecure the moment he entertains any of these girls.

People tell you to just be chill, act unbothered, own your look… etc. but I’m so tired… I feel like there are so many things “I have to be” that I’m just not… I’m tired of social media and feeling like I should be someone I’m not, or else I won’t be loved..

I’ve been cheated on before in my long term relationships multiple times. I give so much to others and yet I always end up betrayed. I never feel like I’m good enough. I don’t know how to believe that someone so ugly like me can be worthy of love.

I’m in therapy and I’m trying to work on this but it doesn’t seem to help. There are times that I feel like I should not be in a relationship at all because what’s the point if I can’t be the hot and fun girl all men seem to want these days. There are so many better options out there.

I just want to feel confident in myself but I can’t…

Even when I'm falling apart internally, people still look at me like I have the answers. I'll be standing there, absolutely clueless about the situation, panicking on the inside, second-guessing every move I've ever made... and somehow, folks are still lining up asking "what should we do?" They don't see the chaos in my head. They just see someone who's handled things before. Someone who doesn't fold (at least not where they can see it). And honestly? That's when I realized: being the GOAT isn't about always knowing the way. It's about people trusting you'll find it even when you're secretly losing your mind. So no, I don't settle for less. I don't entertain disrespect. Not because I'm always together, but because even at my lowest, the world still treats me like the answer. And if they believe that about me, I better start believing it about myself too.