u/everythingwldbefine

I (18f) have self harmed for 5 years, I only stopped as of last year. I have prominent scars, everywhere. the whole of my legs, the whole of my arms, one on my neck, one on my chest, 3 minor ones my stomach, even my left hand.

I'm beautiful, I know I'm beautiful in the face, and my body too, I mean, I don't have the height for it but I do have model proportions.

I like to dress a little revealing because I look good physically. but I'll never be able to get rid of the tights covering my scars under my skirts and shorts. I'll never be able to get rid of the arm warmers and the mesh shirts under my dresses and tank tops.

recently I learned that my ex best friend had told one of my friends "she should stop wearing tank tops her scars are so ugly". it hurts. I wish I could go out in short skirts, dresses and shorts without any tights, body oil on my legs and have people think they look good.

I'd be such a beauty if I had never done this to myself. I have no idea what to even do, tattoos are so expensive, I only have one for now on my upper arm, and I have no idea how to go about laser.

now all people see when they look at me is probably "she's a freak".

I wish I could go to the beach and feel beautiful, not panic when I can't find my stupid arm warmers and I'm already running late, they're supposed to be just an accessory after all.

sorry this is long (also English isn't my first language spare me)

So I (18f) and my bf (18m) have been dating for a year and a half, he cheated on me once in January but it was extremely violent. he told the girl he loves her and stuff like that, told her I cheated on him with 3 people when I have never cheated on him, then proceeded to tell me he was imagining things which I believe somewhat because he actually does imagine things that never happened.

Long backstory :

she knew I was in a relationship with him, he knew what he was doing is wrong. he stayed with me for a month afterwards while keeping the secret, he was off though.

the day after he cheated on me he came to my friends place with me because he had went to the hospital after taking meds and lots of alcohol and he got violent so his mom didn't want him there, found out later it's because the girl he cheated on me with blocked him because she thought he's creepy and weird for sending her long paragraphs about how he loves her when she barely knew him.

he went insane in my friends house, punched walls, broke the elevator, kept getting intimate with me without me knowing he had done what he did just a few days before. told me he doesn't know what's gotten into him he just loves me less. when I found out I broke up with him for 2 weeks, and came back because I found out I was pregnant (I miscarried). things are better now I think.

Not backstory anymore :

anyways, I have a brother (23m), my brother gets oddly protective when it comes to men around me. like REALLY protective. those two weeks where I left him, i was incredibly depressed and even attempted and ended up in the hospital, my brother found the empty bottles and the empty medicine on the couch. he knew I wasn't doing well and was worried sick for me. he said that if he ever sees him again he will beat him up.

they've seen eachother twice after that, once with my bfs sister, and once, he was at my house for an event we were attending together. nothing happened, I thought it was fine. we had another event to attend together, I begged my mom to let him sleep over for it, she ended up saying yes.

so he pulls up to my house that day, and my brother actually gets mad, like REAL MAD. they end up fighting. I told his sister and she offered to pay for an Airbnb for me and him to attend the event.

fast forward to a week or two later, I find out my brother is seeing his sister. like SEEING HER. she comes to my place sometimes ect, and I really like her, she's great, I kept the secret for a while for her, until lying to my bfs face becomes too difficult for me.

I told him and obviously he got angry. they talked about it yesterday, she told me he was angry at first but they seemed to be getting along when I joined their little party. she tells us she's going out with my brother and his friends the next day (today, she's there rn actually)

so, she sent me voice notes earlier while at the party, and one of them was of my brother insulting me, typical sibling things... I was next to my boyfriend, he got angry immediately. I was confused because she told him she would be with my brother.

I tried to be calm at first, but then I realized how unfair the situation is. I'm never allowed to be angry about the fact he cheated on me, disrespected me and hurt me so deeply. but I'm supposed to just comfort him everytime ? I stopped being nice and understanding, and told him this :

"this is just karma. if you never cheated on me, none of this would be going on. my brother wouldn't hate you, you wouldn't have fought with him and you wouldn't hate your sister for hanging out with him. you brought this upon yourself. those are the consequences you deserve."

he obviously got mad and left. he left with a whole pack of beer angry though, I hate when he gets angry while drunk, he tends to get a bit reckless if not totally irrational and maybe violent but I just feel like this is nothing compared to what he made me feel.

honestly, I've wanted to get revenge before but this just makes me feel like life made the revenge for me. I don't know if I was too harsh, if I should've said something different.

more details : he said fucked up shit : like telling me the girl he cheated on me with has a nice ass, telling me about things she did that I never did in bed, he wrote her poems, treated me like a worthless dog for the month he didn't tell me anything, kept finding excuses for himself and so much more.

I stopped self harming about two years ago, and my scars will never fade, they're all raised and bumpy and all over the place. I wish I could wear shorts, skirts, dresses, without having to constantly wear stockings or thigh highs... I like feeling pretty, feminine, but my scars on my legs nerf that for me. I wish I could just go out, bare legs, without caring. 😞

I regret my scars so much I wish I'd have never done this to myself, but I didn't see a future for myself, now I do, and I hate having to think about the fact that I'll never be able to feel pretty like other girls in summer clothing.