u/dvgiov

Hi everyone. I’m (31M) writing here because I’m going through a deep crisis and a separation with my long-term partner (31F), and I’ve realized something fundamental that goes far beyond the usual reasons for a breakup.

We’ve been together since we were twenty; she was my first and only relationship, and I never had any other romantic or sexual experiences before her. Today, at 31, I woke up from a decade-long slumber and realized I’ve never built my own true personality, autonomy, or personal direction. For ten years, my relationship was my only scaffold, and I allowed the couple dynamic to decide the direction of my life, using the relationship as a safety net to avoid facing the fear of choosing who to be on my own and taking responsibility in the real world.

This lack of structure ended up extinguishing me. I’ve always cultivated creative passions like music, drawing, or theater, but without ever pursuing any of them seriously or professionally out of fear of failing. I adapted to the other person to the point of turning off my own preferences, even when it came to the most trivial daily matters. Over time, this unexpressed and unexplored personality started protesting in the form of anxiety, a feeling of suffocation, and a constant need to fantasize about other experiences, other people, and a sense of carefree exploration that I never lived out before getting attached to her.

Now that we’ve taken some distance to allow me to work on myself, trying to be on my own makes me feel like a blank page. I feel a huge sense of fear because I realize that being in a relationship relieved me of the anxiety of having to exist as an autonomous individual. I’ve come to understand that I cannot and should not try to mend that relationship as long as I remain just a reflection of another person, because I would simply keep using the relationship as an emotional crutch.

I’m wondering if anyone here has ever experienced something similar. Have you ever seen an important relationship come to an end or enter a crisis, not because the affection was gone, but because you realized you had never actually become yourself? How did you deal with that sense of emptiness and the fear of the unknown at the beginning? Were you able to build your autonomy and identity from scratch later in adulthood?

Thanks to anyone willing to share their story.

Hi everyone. I’m (31M) writing here because I’m going through a deep crisis and a separation with my long-term partner (31F), and I’ve realized something fundamental that goes far beyond the usual reasons for a breakup.

We’ve been together since we were twenty; she was my first and only relationship, and I never had any other romantic or sexual experiences before her. Today, at 31, I woke up from a decade-long slumber and realized I’ve never built my own true personality, autonomy, or personal direction. For ten years, my relationship was my only scaffold, and I allowed the couple dynamic to decide the direction of my life, using the relationship as a safety net to avoid facing the fear of choosing who to be on my own and taking responsibility in the real world.

This lack of structure ended up extinguishing me. I’ve always cultivated creative passions like music, drawing, or theater, but without ever pursuing any of them seriously or professionally out of fear of failing. I adapted to the other person to the point of turning off my own preferences, even when it came to the most trivial daily matters. Over time, this unexpressed and unexplored personality started protesting in the form of anxiety, a feeling of suffocation, and a constant need to fantasize about other experiences, other people, and a sense of carefree exploration that I never lived out before getting attached to her.

Now that we’ve taken some distance to allow me to work on myself, trying to be on my own makes me feel like a blank page. I feel a huge sense of fear because I realize that being in a relationship relieved me of the anxiety of having to exist as an autonomous individual. I’ve come to understand that I cannot and should not try to mend that relationship as long as I remain just a reflection of another person, because I would simply keep using the relationship as an emotional crutch.

I’m wondering if anyone here has ever experienced something similar. Have you ever seen an important relationship come to an end or enter a crisis, not because the affection was gone, but because you realized you had never actually become yourself? How did you deal with that sense of emptiness and the fear of the unknown at the beginning? Were you able to build your autonomy and identity from scratch later in adulthood?

Thanks to anyone willing to share their story.

Hi everyone. I’m (31M) writing here because I’m going through a deep crisis and a separation with my long-term partner (31F), and I’ve realized something fundamental that goes far beyond the usual reasons for a breakup.

We’ve been together since we were twenty; she was my first and only relationship, and I never had any other romantic or sexual experiences before her. Today, at 31, I woke up from a decade-long slumber and realized I’ve never built my own true personality, autonomy, or personal direction. For ten years, my relationship was my only scaffold, and I allowed the couple dynamic to decide the direction of my life, using the relationship as a safety net to avoid facing the fear of choosing who to be on my own and taking responsibility in the real world.

This lack of structure ended up extinguishing me. I’ve always cultivated creative passions like music, drawing, or theater, but without ever pursuing any of them seriously or professionally out of fear of failing. I adapted to the other person to the point of turning off my own preferences, even when it came to the most trivial daily matters. Over time, this unexpressed and unexplored personality started protesting in the form of anxiety, a feeling of suffocation, and a constant need to fantasize about other experiences, other people, and a sense of carefree exploration that I never lived out before getting attached to her.

Now that we’ve taken some distance to allow me to work on myself, trying to be on my own makes me feel like a blank page. I feel a huge sense of fear because I realize that being in a relationship relieved me of the anxiety of having to exist as an autonomous individual. I’ve come to understand that I cannot and should not try to mend that relationship as long as I remain just a reflection of another person, because I would simply keep using the relationship as an emotional crutch.

I’m wondering if anyone here has ever experienced something similar. Have you ever seen an important relationship come to an end or enter a crisis, not because the affection was gone, but because you realized you had never actually become yourself? How did you deal with that sense of emptiness and the fear of the unknown at the beginning? Were you able to build your autonomy and identity from scratch later in adulthood?

Thanks to anyone willing to share their story.

Hi, I’m in a codependent relationship with my gf (F, 31) and after 10 years together I want to leave her, but don’t know how to do it. I already tried 3 times but always withdrawn my feelings and motivations due to my trauma and our enmeshment. But I can’t go on like this, I’m not happy, she could have a better life and I have suicidal thoughts.

I never had any other experience before knowing her. Long story short, I’m a deeply repressed and insecure person, which grew up learning that his wants were the reason he could be seen as weird, stupid, not welcome or even bad. So, I’m a total people pleaser, I judge myself constantly and over analyse my thoughts, always looking for mistakes.
I’m in therapy since 4-ish years. Thanks to that I’m learning to value myself, and I also accepted my bisexuality (which, at first, I thought was the real problem).
Now, I’m facing by deepest fear, that is to hurt someone because I am basically accepting myself as the person I am.
Now, I already tried to break up with her, but every time I ended up crushing myself with guilt, and tricking myself into thinking that the solution to avoid that guilt was to do what she wanted me to do. My trauma tricks me every time, and so I end up lying to both, thinking I can handle staying with her without being honest.

Now, she’s as insecure as I am, but she’s also tremendously anxious, and therefore controlling. She goes from anxiety to anxiety and never stops. So I learned to walk on eggs in order not to trigger bad reactions (just like I do with my family).
We never had penetrative sex up until 3 months ago, due to a psychosomatic issue she had due to a lot of sexual anxieties (which she still has, sex has never been easy because of that).
In all of this I find it difficult to explore myself, because just a new haircut or new outfit may trigger the fear to lose me (because I may look more “gay”). In fact, before my coming out, we were watching queer shows or RPDR together but now she fears everything queer-related.
This is probably due to the fact that I replaced her parents as an emotionally supportive figure. They aren’t capable of giving her support and so she found it in me, of course, because I’m a people pleaser.

Back to me, I neglected my wants to the point that I created a character which fits in the limits set by her fears. Now, those wants accumulated to the point they became a “need”. My true self needs me to listen to them. They need me to listen to myself.

Also, we are in two different times of our lives. She wants to settle, she thinks about buying a house in the near future, she thinks about marriage. On the other hand, thinking about buying a house, marriage and continuing my life with her until the day I die makes me panic. Feels like a cage to me.

All of this creates a deadlock. We both cannot reach our goals because she lacks the support she needs, while I lack the freedom to do it.

None of us is the victim, nor the executioner, we are both at the same time. We enmeshed to the point that our individualities feel like a menace. For me, because I need to learn to trust myself more, and for her because she sadly needs to find in herself the support that her parents aren’t able to give her (and, as much as I tried, I’m not the one that can replace that void).

In all of this, I’m really into another girl (F, 27) at the moment, but I don’t want things to mix together. I want to expose my feelings to this girl, but only after breaking up with my gf.
Don’t worry, I know I can’t go from a relationship to another without taking some time for myself. I’ll be careful and won’t rush things. Yet I know I’m repressing too much. I find it harder and harder to hide my feelings for this girl, and I fear I could lose a chance with her.

Now, in this moment the situation is: some months have passed since the last time I attempted breaking up with her. We have been going to couple therapy but I keep hiding myself, due to my insecurity, fear of not being able to do it on my own, and fear of her reaction and guilt. This is basically what I couldn’t deal with each time I tried leaving. Also, I’m currently very busy at work so I don’t have the energy to face a breakup. But in a couple-ish weeks I’ll be free from work and I’ll have to do it.
The thing is: I can’t help disguising my feelings. I force myself into acting like I’m fine, but I’m not. I have suicidal thoughts, I repress my wants, and I almost never have peace because we are always together. She always wants to stay with me, always.
So now she thinks everything is getting better, but it’s not.
I’d like to gradually expose her to this but maybe it’s not possible to do it “softly”, what do you think?
I don’t know how to do it. Help.

I thing I said everything but maybe you can find more details here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/s/vFvTqECO8c

I’m (M,31) trying to end a 10 years relationship with my gf (F,31) but every time I try to make a step towards that direction I’m invested with fear and guilt.

At first I thought the problem was my bisexuality, and since I came out to her I can’t say she really accepted it, to be fair. But it’s more the fact that we are intertwined in a codependent relationship, where she is strongly anxious and controlling and I easily feel guilt for anything I want that goes out of the couple life.

It’s my trauma, I have been educated to feel shame for my desires or breaking the rules, and always got rewarded with anger or humiliation (only verbal).

Since this is my upbringing scenario, I never really expressed myself. Still to this day I can say I don’t know who I am, I don’t know my character, nor how to interact with people. Therefore, I’m constantly overanalysing how I act, how I feel, and how people react and it’s sooo stressful. Obviously, I’m a people pleaser, and I hardly give myself permission to say “no”, or not to conceal my feelings. Speaking of sex it’s the same.

Me and my gf unwillingly created an environment in which the dynamics of my family are reenacted, and so we are taking each other down. Being together prevents us from reaching our goals and prevents me specifically from knowing myself.

She wants to settle, she says she’d marry me tomorrow and would spend the rest of her life with me. I never experienced my persona, I feel like I want to know new people and explore life, so we are not in the same wavelength.

She sees me as the only pillar in his life, the only person that gives her emotional support, since her family has never been so supportive.

I know that the break up is going to be a trauma for her, and I’m unable to deal with her reaction. This has made me withdraw my feelings and desires every time I tried to break up with her.

I know, I feel I’m a selfish and a coward, but my fear of being a disappointment and facing guilt are so strong. I don’t know how to break this loop.

If this isn’t enough I’m on antidepressants since a year and we never had penetrative sex up to 2 months ago. Also, I’m reeeally interested in my theatre teacher, and I don’t want to miss a chance with her.

We are in couple therapy since three months but I’m too afraid to say what I want. Help.