So I am legally separated. I have no car, job, money, etc. I am a new Christian and just survived the most difficult situation of "bad hand of cards".
And I am thinking about making a dating profile on an app listing all these things to see who would accept.
Before that, I put honest thought into just freely offering my body for "use". So, this is technically an improvement.
I think I might have a TINY problem with codependency.
I am writing this instead of making that profile.
Please, God help me. I pray for your help.
I know my program is a healthier way of living for me and damn, if I am not the loneliest I’ve felt in a long time. I can’t seem to get a routine. I know life is worth living now that I can see the light thru my healing but it’s so lonely sometimes.
I definitely fit all the characteristics of a codependent person. I’m wondering if there are any programs (I’m also in AA), that can help. I went to a codependency support group meeting but got nothing out of it. I’m looking for help. I can’t keep living this way.
Not that anyone is asking why, but i learned that i was showing symptoms of codependency through a friend
And ever since I've been doing all i can to heal
My boyfriend? Who I've been hurting for far too long by leeching?? I took steps to make things better, but that also make me more alone with myself
I dont really talk to my friends, and so when I got up and into a gc with them i leeched (they dont seem to be affected the same way, personally, intimately affected like my lover was) onto them as well :((
After breaking down at work at least twice i realized that im scared of being alone by myself
I dont know if i can trust myself, and thats so horrifying to me it led to those breakdowns
(I am also on hormones so that probably "helped")
But i got in contact with a therapist, and it might js be the holiday (America day, baby, yay to... this country that hates me :< awesome) but I've noticed that even when she isn't returning my calls, not reaching back out-
Matter a fact, i race to check any notification on my phone, to pull myself away from me
It seems like now that i know the issue, know the fear, and know the consequences of being unhealthy like this
That suddenly its all too real
Im scared of myself
Im not happy
Im dirty and gross
Im further from the boy i love more than ever
And im piss fucking poor
The country hates my kind
My brain hates my mind
All i do is bed rot
For me, it all comes back to one thing
Girlfailure.
Im a fucking perverted unhealthily needy little fucking girlfailure.
I dont wanna hurt like this, i dont wanna be scared like this, and i especially dont want to hurt others like this
Yet i seem to do them all just fine
Fucking girlfailure
Hail satan ❤️
My soon-to-be Ex wife is a people pleaser. I have recently realized all of her "comforting" was just lies. She lied about everything. And you know what?
The saddest part to me is that I just want to be held and lied to. I want to feel safe, loved, and cared for. But only I can do these things for myself.
I feel disgusted with myself. I would accept this comfort from ANYONE. I would do HORRIBLE DISGUSTING things to feel safe and cared for. I am a drug addict who ran screaming from their drugs.
Which is why I am spending so much time alone doing the hard work of healing. I left because I couldn't tell who I was anymore. Because there weren't many lines I wouldn't cross, and I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.
I started hitting on men and older women. I'm pretty sure I am straight, but I want to be desired, validated.
I am doing the work. I am. But it would be so easy to download a dating app and find ANYONE who would have me. I am writing this instead of doing that. Instead of breaking down.
God, please help me.
So, full honesty, I have a history of a codependent relationship with my ex husband/best friend. I came out and we've been best friends ever since. That was about 20 years ago. I didn't leave him because I came out, but, because I became the caretaker. I have worked really hard for that kind of relationship not to reoccur and ended up in a weird situation with my last relationship, since she wanted me to be codependent/the taker and I refused. I maintain I prefer my independence and don't want to rely on anyone, but I do let people help me when I need it, and I try and keep healthy boundaries with helping others.
Something weird happened in January though when I met someone who had told me they were from another state and had no friends, and then their marriage blew up and they ended up locked out. It sounded like a toxic marriage from the way they framed it, but I was very cautious with them because I only heard what their spouse did wrong, and nothing about the before or after. I know this is a flag from another situation I've been it.
Well, I took a sarcastic comment from a friend wrong (you should invite them to stay at your home! you have room!), and I invited them. I learned really recently this was sarcasm. Anyway, this person started opening up to me and telling me about all the things they had going on. I had no problem helping someone escape a situation temporarily until they got on their feet and felt it was fine, until they returned home.
Then things blew up in their marriage again, and apparently the spouse went home and wanted a divorce. I just ignored it for a while, I said my goodbyes and set a boundary and intended on going back to normal. They reached out eventually and told me what was going on and ended up at a show I was at and basically hit me up.
Anyway, I said my part and I left them alone, and they kept hinting they were depressed, and I was a moderator in the group, so I tried to keep them from putting it in the chat and leant an ear to them. I then tried to be a friend to them, within reason. I was keeping good boundaries. Then they lost their job. And I don't know what happened, I just started going into overdrive being the helper.
This went on for a while, and I did step back in April because I felt like I was being fed some bullshit, but I suddenly like...couldn't? I started getting jealous when they'd talk to other people and such and after some reflection, I realized I felt super unsupported by them while I was going through a difficult time, and still felt expected to rescue them (otherwise they'd go on a guilt trip brigade in chat). I started getting ultra burnt out, and I told them I didn't have the capacity to be their emotional support person anymore, but they instantly started being solemn and aloof around me while still being fun and goofy with others. Naturally I was done with that nonsense at that point, but I remained overly mad and "stuck" on the situation.
So to complicate things, I found out through neuropsych eval that I am auDHD very recently and this could be partially due to how my brain works (monotropic thinking). I know that can complicate things, but at least the whole giver/caretaker thing is something I can help on my own. I don't know if one thing interacts with the other and makes it more likely or what.
Anyway, I ended up having a huge meltdown in public at them and doing some really stupid shit that I regretted immediately. I don't know. What the hell am I doing. I've done the work, I am not sure what's going on. Is this still codependency?
I went no contact with the person and stepped down and left my server about 2 months ago. I did send them an apology for the way I acted and let them know that I didn't want to reconnect with them. But....I am feeling guilty? And think I should ask them if they want to talk? Ever since I realized that I was becoming codependent with them. Our parting was very much, not good. But the server owner, who wants me to come back, said that he said he knew I was different, and said it would work itself out. I don't feel very confident in that.
I guess I'm half venting and half asking for advice here. Any other viewpoint helps, even if it's just calling me nuts. I don't know what I should do. Leave it? Because I miss my friends, but I can't go back unless he and I come to an agreement to be cordial.
EDIT: The problem is that I am ASD/ADHD and the group is centered around a special interest of mine, which is local music. I explained a bit in the comments, but, I can't permanently drop my group and walk away, and they all don't know what's going on and want me to come back (I left and have skipped shows because this person showed up). I am worried about the past codependency and the tension between me and the person because of how things were left, and if it is in my best interest to reach out and try to come up with a way we can be cordial with each other. We will run into each other in real life and I have been avoiding my special interest due to them and I have no right to push them out because they haven't done anything wrong here.
I’m writing this because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little.
For context: I’ve been in a long-term relationship for years with someone I deeply love. I’m not here to diagnose her, and I’m not trying to paint myself as a saint. I know relationships are complex, and I know I have my own flaws.
But for a while now, I’ve had serious concerns about the long-term viability of the relationship.
The recurring themes are emotional instability, a lot of drama, her getting overwhelmed very easily, difficulty really taking my perspective into account, lack of empathy in conflict, and this fear that if we got married or had a child, the emotional and practical load would fall massively on me.
If an event matters to her and it isn’t organized in the exact emotional shape she had in mind, she can hold resentment and turn it into a whole story about how I don’t care about her.
If small things can become that loaded, what happens with wedding planning? Pregnancy? A child? Family pressure? Money? Sleep deprivation? A home to manage?
I can see a future where I become her emotional regulator, her problem-solver, the one who absorbs everything, and eventually I’m resentful and exhausted.
More generally, I often feel like her needs, emotions, and expectations come first, while mine become secondary, negotiable, or something I have to justify. And if I don’t make the compromise, I “don’t care about her”, and “if I really loved her, I would do it”.
There is also this man-vs-woman framing that sometimes comes up. I’m willing to look honestly at my part and take responsibility where I should. But what scares me is when it becomes adversarial, bossy. I want a partner than can see me with empathy, not like an enemy.
Especially when I already feel like I’m carrying a lot, and because she gets overwhelmed very quickly, things can take huge proportions very fast.
I have this fear that with marriage, pregnancy, and children, the exact same pattern would explode.
I’m afraid I would slowly disappear.
I’m afraid that if she gets overwhelmed by normal life now, then with a child I would become the one carrying everything. And if I don’t carry everything perfectly, I’d be blamed, criticized, or seen as not loving enough.
I’m also afraid she could become contemptuous over time if reality doesn’t match what she has in her head.
So I did something very analytical.
I spent days going through my journal, notes, memories, the worst incidents, the patterns, the moments where I felt unseen or emotionally unsafe. I built the whole “case” for why leaving might be the right decision. I even gave myself a deadline.
And then the deadline came closer… and I kept pushing it.
Then she called me with love.
Just love.
And suddenly everything in me softened.
I told myself: “Okay, before making any decision, read the worst things again. Read the absolute worst entries. Be honest.”
So I did.
And the weirdest thing happened.
The things that had felt so clear and damning suddenly started making less sense. I started seeing her humanity everywhere.
“She was overwhelmed, of course she reacted that way.”
“That comment wasn’t actually that bad.”
“She did apologize there.”
“Maybe I didn’t communicate my needs properly.”
“Maybe if I had done XYZ differently, she wouldn’t have felt so unsafe.”
“She loves me so much.”
“The bond is so strong. Our history is so strong.”
And then I somehow built the entire case in the opposite direction.
Same facts. Same history. Same journal.
But emotionally, it was like the meaning flipped.
Part of me still knows the risks are real. Marriage feels dangerous. A child feels potentially catastrophic. I can imagine becoming the caretaker, the emotional punching bag, the guy who keeps giving more while slowly disappearing.
But then another part of me says: “No, that’s not true. You’re exaggerating. You’re being unfair. She loves you deeply. The connection is rare. You’re about to destroy something beautiful.”
At one point it became so overwhelming that I went to my bedroom, turned on the light, and immediately remembered all the times we had been on that bed holding each other, laughing, cuddling, being close.
And the love hit me so hard that I collapsed and cried for about an hour.
Not calmly crying. Fully breaking down. I had not cried in the last 5 years.
I kept thinking: “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to break up. I just want to see her.”
So I didn’t break up.
I called her.
And we had a very loving call.
Now I’m back in limbo.
A few days ago I was almost certain, genuinely 98% certain, that I had to end it. Now I’m confused again, attached again, doubting everything again.
What is this?
And the scariest part is that even the most rational arguments don’t seem to reach me when I’m in that state.
I can tell myself:
“Your life could become miserable.”
“People don’t fundamentally change.”
“You have enough data.”
“One soft moment doesn’t erase the big picture.”
“You don’t just marry the love, you marry the whole package , the risks, the patterns, the emotional instability, all of it.”
And intellectually, I understand all of that.
But emotionally, it doesn’t land.
It doesn’t resonate.
All I feel is this overwhelming pull toward her. I just want to hold her, pull her into my arms, and say: “Baby, come here. It’s okay. Everything is okay, my love.”
And that’s what scares me the most, that once the attachment system turns back on, even the clearest evidence starts feeling irrelevant. I just want to be with her. Deeply.
Is this normal ambivalence when you deeply love someone but know the relationship may be unsafe long-term?
Is this trauma bonding / intermittent reinforcement / cognitive dissonance?
Is this me finally seeing her humanity and being less defensive?
How do you tell the difference between compassion and self-abandonment?
How do you know whether you’re being “fair and loving” versus getting pulled back into the cycle?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were absolutely sure they needed to leave, then got hit by love/memories/guilt and suddenly couldn’t trust their own judgment anymore.
What helped you see clearly?
🎶 It's the Cycle of Grief, and it moves at least me! 🎶
First, I remember the good times and our life together, and I will miss her and I feel the love I used to have for her.
Second, I remember the manipulation, disrespect, and lies, and I feel upset.
Third, I remember the abuse and affair, and I feel angry and hurt.
Then I forgive (for me and my health) and the cycle repeats. And I forgive her everyday, for four months. It is exhausting.
I’m 23F, and my boyfriend is 25M. We’ve been together for almost 2½ years.
Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. Honestly, it feels like about 80% of it has been arguments and only 20% has been happy moments. Things were good at first, but he broke my trust several times in the past. Nothing physical happened, but it still affected me deeply. He says he’s changed, and I do see improvement, although I still struggle to fully trust him.
The biggest issue is with myself. I feel like I’ve become emotionally dependent on the relationship. I always want to do everything with him, and my mood depends almost entirely on how things are going between us. If we’re doing well, I’m happy. If we’re arguing or something feels off, it affects my whole day.
He’s much more independent and laid-back, which sometimes makes me feel even more attached and anxious.
I don’t like feeling this way. I want to have my own hobbies, focus on myself, and stop obsessing over the relationship, but I don’t know where to start.
**My question is:** What are some practical things I can do to become less emotionally dependent on my relationship and stop making it the center of my life? If you’ve been in a similar situation, what actually helped you?
Confession/Rant: I’ve struggled with codependency for a long time, and I’m really hoping someone here has been through something similar because I genuinely feel stuck.
My ex and I were together for about seven years on and off. We broke up for around six months, eventually started seeing each other again, and honestly I never pushed hard enough to define what we were. Looking back, I know that was probably a mistake.
The hardest part is that even though we technically didn’t have a label, he was constantly telling me he loved me, that he was in love with me, and acting like we were rebuilding our relationship. He basically lived with me for almost three months. We spent holidays together, slept together, planned things together. It really felt like we were finding our way back to each other.
At the same time, he was seeing someone else.
I only found out afterward that while he was telling me he was with his family or busy, he was actually getting hotel rooms with another woman while she was away coaching soccer tournaments. Every single time I had a gut feeling and asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, he’d beat around the bush, avoid the question, or give me some vague answer that never actually answered what I was asking.
I know people are probably going to say, “Well, you weren’t officially together.” I get that.
But if he truly believed there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, why lie? Why hide it? Why tell me you loved me? Why let me believe we were rebuilding something while actively pursuing someone else? That’s the part that completely broke me.
Eventually everything came out, and it shattered my trust. I know now I can’t go back. Even if he wanted to, I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust him again. But here’s what I’m actually struggling with:
I cannot stop checking his social media.
I’ve blocked him everywhere, but I still have alternate accounts. Every time I notice his following count goes up, I get this overwhelming urge to look. It’s honestly like an adrenaline rush. My brain convinces me that I have to know.
And almost every single time it’s another woman. Then I spiral.
I compare myself to her. I wonder why I wasn’t enough.
I wonder why he seems to move on so easily. I end up hurting my own feelings over and over again.
The weird part is I don’t even think I’m checking because I necessarily want him back. I think I’m checking because throughout our relationship there was always another secret. There was always something being withheld from me. My gut would tell me something wasn’t right, I’d ask him directly, and I’d never get a straight answer. Eventually I’d end up finding out on my own that my gut was right.
I basically trained myself to become hypervigilant because I had to be. I learned that if I wanted the truth, I usually had to go looking for it because I wasn’t going to get it from him.
Now the relationship is actually over, but I can’t seem to shut that part of my brain off.
It’s like my brain still believes there’s another piece of the puzzle out there, and if I could just find it, everything would finally make sense.
To make things even more confusing, he’s not completely gone either. He actually broke no contact on Memorial Day to reach out to me. He told me that he and the woman he cheated on me with weren’t together anymore because he “didn’t want me to think our beautiful relationship ended because he chose someone over me.” He still watches all of my stories too.
But then I look at his following and it feels like there’s a new woman every week.
So which is it?
Was I actually special?
Was I just another girl?
Is he lonely?
Is he trying to fill a void?
Or is he genuinely happier without me?
I know I’ll probably never get those answers, and logically I know they wouldn’t actually change anything if I did.
Everyone tells me to “just stop checking.” Trust me, I know.I wish it were that easy.
I keep trying to fake it until I make it. I stay busy. I work. I go out with friends. I’ve been trying to distract myself as much as possible. Some days I actually feel okay.
Then I see that following number change, and before I even have time to think, I’m already looking.
It’s like a compulsion.
For anyone who’s dealt with codependency after being lied to for years, does this ever actually stop? Did you eventually stop caring? Did you have to actively break the habit? Or did you just keep faking it until one day you realized you hadn’t checked in a while?
I know checking only hurts me. I know every single time I do it, I’m choosing pain.
I just don’t know how to convince the emotional part of my brain that there isn’t anything left to find.
TLDR: My ex and I were together on and off for seven years. While we were rebuilding our relationship, he was secretly seeing someone else and lying to me whenever I asked about it, which taught me to constantly search for the truth on my own. Now that it’s truly over, I can’t stop compulsively checking his social media, even though I know it only hurts me. Has anyone else with codependency dealt with this, and did the urge to check ever actually go away?
I used to be a severely anxious attachment person, and I still am but I’ve done some healing work the past few years and I’m finally dating someone after being single.
I’m starting to wonder about the signs of emotional unavailability or avoidance attachment or whether I am being hypervigilant?
I’ve definitely noticed in myself being triggered to overthinking about her, and was wondering if that’s a sign? My attraction to her is probably a sign too though.
For example, we have been on 4 dates, once a week and she doesn’t text anything between dates other than to set them up. Is this normal cause it’s too early?
Also, I have been the one planning and choosing things to do. I’ve been told as a man that it’s “expected”, but am i doing too much here?
Some other things I’ve noticed is that she talks about always wanting to be busy with something. And another is that she has many pets, and I’ve heard the theory that having pets is a sign?
When these come up too, should I talk about them? Or is it too early to in dating and should I move on?
I'll call myself S (22M) and the girl N (25F).
This is going to be long because I don't want to leave out important details or make either of us look like the villain. I'm genuinely looking for unbiased advice.
We met online in January 2025 through a group. At first, N lied about her age, but later admitted it herself and sincerely apologized. She's about three years older than me. We belong to different states and different cultural backgrounds, but we connected really well.
Over time, we started talking every day. Our chats turned into voice calls, then video calls, and eventually we entered into a long-distance relationship because we both wanted someone to love and be loved.
As we became closer, our relationship naturally became romantic and eventually intimate. N was the one who first made me feel comfortable discussing those topics. She openly talked about things like menstru*****, bras, preferences, and repeatedly told me not to hesitate to ask her anything. Because of that, I became comfortable asking questions too.
She voluntarily shared intimate photos with me, and over time our relationship became highly intimate. We exchanged private photos, fantasized about meeting someday, and regularly engaged in intimate activities over video calls. This wasn't something one person forced on the other—both of us participated willingly, and at different times, both of us initiated it. There were even times when she was the one asking to see me or initiating those conversations.
One day we played Truth or Dare, and she asked me to remove my shirt. Looking back, that was one of the moments where our relationship started becoming more physically intimate.
Things continued like that for many months.
Then life started changing for her.
She began having irregular menstru*****. I helped her find a doctor, and she was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. Around the same time, she was going through serious family problems and became determined to build a better future for herself by focusing on her career.
Gradually, she stopped responding positively whenever I asked for intimacy. Eventually, we broke up.
The thing is, breakups weren't unusual for us. We'd argue, separate for a few days, and then reconcile because we genuinely felt we needed each other.
Even after ending the relationship, we remained an important part of each other's lives.
For her, I became the person she relied on for studies, research, career advice, academics, emotional support, and almost anything she needed.
For me, she was someone who had once fulfilled both my emotional and intimate needs and also helped me with university assignments.
After some time, she told me that she no longer felt comfortable doing those intimate things. She said she now believed they were unhealthy and that she felt like she had become "just a tool for my sexual needs."
That statement really affected me.
The problem is that after doing those things almost every day for such a long time, my brain became conditioned.
We even had a code phrase:
"Do you want something?"
Whenever she sent that message, it meant asking whether I wanted to do something intimate together. Over time, even hearing her voice or receiving that message became enough to trigger those feelings in me because it had become such a regular part of our relationship.
Earlier, she'd happily spend a long time on video calls being affectionate and intimate with me.
Now she completely refuses those things and instead tells me they're unhealthy and that she doesn't want that kind of relationship anymore.
There was also a period where she barely talked to me for about two or three weeks.
Later she admitted she'd briefly dated someone from her own city. She genuinely believed he loved her, but after meeting him she realized he mainly wanted something physical. He even kissed her without asking for permission. That experience hurt her deeply.
After that happened, she came back to me for emotional support. She asked whether I really loved her, wanted advice, and leaned on me emotionally again.
By this point we were no longer a couple, just friends.
There was no regular intimacy anymore, but I kept asking because I missed what we once had. Most of the time she'd refuse.
Sometimes, after repeatedly asking and when she knew I wasn't mentally doing well, she'd agree once every month or two.
The difficult part for me is that I couldn't stop comparing the present to the past. Earlier everything felt natural and enthusiastic. Now, whenever she agreed, it felt reluctant, and I could sense that her heart wasn't really in it.
Recently, I suggested that we shouldn't contact each other for seven days because I felt I was becoming emotionally dependent on her.
She accepted because she believed I wouldn't be able to do it.
After only two days, I texted her.
The reason wasn't intimacy.
One of my old friends had left my life, and I was feeling emotionally broken. I just wanted someone familiar to talk to.
During that conversation she asked me to help her find a job.
I spent time helping her prepare and giving her advice.
Afterward, I told her I still wasn't mentally okay and wanted to leave the conversation.
She felt I was abandoning her when she needed my help.
Then she asked,
"Do you want something?"
Even though I wasn't in the mood at all, I didn't want to lose the opportunity, so I said yes.
She replied that if she did that for me, then I also had to continue helping her.
I said that ideally I'd want those intimate interactions around three or four times a week.
She became angry.
She asked if I was serious.
She reminded me that getting a job was one of the most important priorities in her life and asked how I could expect that from her when I knew everything she was dealing with.
Then she said something that hurt me deeply:
"Don't you have any shame asking for this?"
From my perspective, over the past year and a half, I'd supported her financially, emotionally, mentally, academically, and spent countless hours helping her instead of focusing on my own career. I even neglected spending time with my family because I was always available for her. I even learned cooking because of her.
Whenever she wanted intimacy in the past, I also followed her wishes without hesitation.
I never mentioned any of these sacrifices during that conversation because I didn't want to make it sound like I was keeping score.
Eventually she calmed down and agreed she'd be intimate with me twice a week.
Instead of feeling happy, I felt guilty.
It felt like she was agreeing only because she needed my help.
At the same time, I still feel emotionally attached to her.
I'm also afraid that once she gets a job or no longer needs my help, she'll distance herself again like she has done before.
She's told me before,
"You can't force me."
And she's absolutely right.
I know I can't, and I don't want to.
But emotionally I'm stuck.
Part of me genuinely wants her to succeed and be happy.
Another part of me still misses the intimacy we once shared and struggles to accept that it's probably gone forever.
I understand that people change, and I fully respect consent and personal boundaries.
What I'm struggling with is accepting how drastically our relationship has changed and figuring out how to move forward without resentment, guilt, or dependency.
For people who have been through something similar:
I'm not looking for someone to tell me who's right or wrong. I'm looking for honest perspectives because I know I'm emotionally involved and may not be seeing the situation clearly.
This is embarrassing to write out but here it is.
I've known for a while things weren't healthy. He'd spiral, i'd fix it, he'd be okay for a few weeks, then it would happen again. I told myself that's just what love looks like when someone is struggling. You show up. You stay.
What actually cracked it open was a small thing. He went away for a work trip, four days, and i did not know what to do with myself. Not lonely exactly. More like.. unemployed. Like the job had been paused and i didn't have another one. I caught myself almost waiting for him to call with a problem so i'd have something to do.
And i sat with that and it was awful, because it meant the relationship only works as long as i'm carrying it. The second i put it down it falls over. Some part of me has always known that. I just never let myself say it plainly because once you say it you can't un-know it.
That last night he was gone i couldn't sleep and ended up doing one of those taros tarot love readings, half as a joke honestly. It started going on about a rescuing pattern, being the fixer, needing the other person to be a little broken so i'd have a role. I sat there kind of stunned. It wasn't the cards. It just said the thing out loud that i'd been walking around for years.
The weird part is i cried. Not because it was sad. Because it was the first time i'd actually said it to myself instead of circling around it for years.
Still figuring out what to do with that tbh. Anyone else been in the loop where you know but you can't stop?
Hi everyone. I’m 19F, and after getting out of a 4-year relationship, I realized how emotionally dependent I’d become on my ex. He was very controlling and jealous, and over time I slowly stopped trusting my own decisions and adjusted so much of my life around him that I feel like I lost myself.
Now that the relationship is over, I’m trying to rebuild my life. I’m fixing my sleep schedule, helping at my family’s business, reducing doomscrolling, and trying to improve myself. The problem is that I feel anxious almost every day, and I don’t really know how to regulate it.
The anxiety shows up in different ways. At work, my mind goes blank when talking to customers and I make mistakes doing things I normally know how to do. When I’m trying to focus on myself, my mind randomly goes back to my ex and starts wondering what he’s doing or imagining “what if” scenarios. I know the relationship is over and I don’t want to get back together, but my brain keeps pulling me back anyway.
I’ve already talked to my school’s counselor, but I still feel like I don’t know how to emotionally regulate. Most advice I see is to breathe, challenge your thoughts, or let the feelings pass, but I feel like I’m missing something.
For those who recovered from codependency, what did emotional regulation actually look like for you?
How did you stop anxiety from controlling your thoughts and decisions? How did you learn to trust yourself again instead of constantly needing reassurance or mentally going back to your ex?
I’d really appreciate hearing what genuinely helped you because I don’t just want to move on from him I want to become emotionally independent again.
So, in addition to being a fearful avoidant attacher (for anyone who is into attachment theory), I am a pretty raging codependent. On top of that, I seem to have this unconscious attraction towards people who need me, who I can rescue. My understanding is that this is common in people who feel that nobody would actually just choose them as a partner freely; there has to be some service I can provide or some way I can be a hero.
The trouble is, when those relationships don’t work out, breaking up feels like I’m being asked to saw my own head off. Each time, because of the “one-down” position of my partners where I’m the hyperfunctional rescuer and they’re the rescuee, I feel absolutely cruel when I consider breaking up with them. There’s this voice internally that scolds me for making them need me and then abandoning them. And sometimes it doesn’t always fully make sense.
For instance, my ex husband came over here on a marriage visa. At the time, he had no money, he was in a bizarre roommate situation with some kooky old dude, his upbringing was chaotic and abusive — all stuff that engaged my rescuer mode. So we got married, he moved over here, and over the years he built a good business and made plenty of money. But my mind still thought of him as someone I’d rescued, who I felt responsible for, so when things went downhill and we ended up wanting different things, I knew we needed to split up but I agonized over it for 5 years before we finally did break up. He was perfectly capable of finding a new place, moving elsewhere, moving back to his home country, all that. But it felt like ironclad fact to me that I couldn’t break up with him because he came over here for me and I’d be abandoning him and that would make me a terrible person.
Cut to now, I’m in a relationship with someone who truly is dependent on me — he was recently diagnosed autistic in adulthood, which makes his inability to do all but a few very specific jobs make more sense but it doesn’t make those jobs forthcoming, he contributes domestically but I make all the money, and if I were to break up with him, he’d very possibly be homeless. He has no relationship with his family, all of his friends are also struggling and aren’t very communicative lately… like he has no support system but me. So the idea of breaking up with him emotionally feels like I’m literally throwing someone I care about out with nowhere to go.
What is my responsibility here? Because it feels like it’s to not ruin his life and leave him without some place to go, on top of having been broken up with. I feel like every time I think about it, I just start catastrophizing and I can’t get any decent insight on what to do. My attachment issues make it all the worse, because even when I don’t necessarily want to break up in the moment, the idea of being unable to scares me, I end up feeling very keenly like I’m trapped. I don’t want to be the bad guy or leave them in a bad position, but I don’t want to feel obligated to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.
I am 34, with a 3 1/2 year old daughter, left my ex two years ago.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and I see him on the weekends when my daughter is with her dad.
Even when she is with him on the weekend, I feel guilty hanging out with my boyfriend. Like god I feel like a bad mom.
I know there is a distortion in here somewhere but I think right now I just need some encouragement and reality checking lol
My ex post-divorce would do things like send me TikTok’s that if moms start dating they neglect the child and put the new man first and it’s better for the dads to have custody. Then he would tell me things like if you start dating I’ll take her more, since you’ll be busy in your new relationship.
I normally work every weekend, but this weekend I don t and my ex has her, which I’m good with, I’m a stay at home mom Monday-Friday so I am always with her. Well he was questioning me, about my scheduling and i thought you were working and how can you take the dogs if you work.
I guess I started to get really triggered in wanting to hangout Saturday’ with my boyfriend but really only felt that once my ex started questioning me.
Anyways someone set me straight please 🥹
(27F) in an LDR with my bf (35M). We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary couple of days ago. I feel like I’m getting obsessed with my boyfriend AGAIN. After my previous relationship, I did self work, read books, and I was doing good with honoring my space, interests, and giving my bf space but I feel like I am spiraling again.
Probably because we spent 20 days together. I came back home and I’m a wreck. I feel like I can’t focus on anything but the thought of being with him and running my fingers through his hair, chest, and cheeks.
I just miss him so much. I wake up and I hate it because I can’t roll over to him and touch him. I’ve been calling him every hour and texting him that I miss him and how much I want to be with him like every couple of hours. I can tell he is starting to get exhausted from comforting me. I think I’m crossing over into to the “annoying” & “irritating” territory. I haven’t ate all day because I’ve been crying and starring at our photos. I feel like I’m becoming too available again & I think I’m starting to look like a loser in his eyes? (Prob).
I tried focusing on other things.
I had a therapy appt with my therapist, I tried watching a movie, listening to an audio book, watching YouTube, working out, cleaning etc but my mind is very occupied with the thought of being next to him.
I feel this overwhelming desire to consume him whole and I am ashamed and I wish I wasn’t an emotional black hole. I feel like I’m having panic attacks because I am worried I will bore him, exhaust him and scare him away.. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was fucking normal.
What's hitting me today and just hurting so bad is how I spent 4.5 years giving her every means of love I could figure out how to give her.
Homemade meals, gifts, taking her to experiences I thought were so special, listening and talking her through every hard time she had, constantly encouraging in building her up with my words, I was being there for her.
But in the end I was reduced down to this little list she texted me of needs and vulnerabilities I had that she didn't like about me, and one of the last things I ever asked her was if she knew I loved her all these years, and all she could say was "I guess, in a way."
That's what really crushes me. Pouring every bit of love I could extract out of my world and soul for her for years all just meant nothing in the end in her eyes.
The last conversation we ever had when I knew it was over, I told her thank you for all the love and special times over the years, and how much I love her and I'll miss her. And all she had to say was all the things she found unattractive and too much about me.
It's not that I think the love I gave wasn't real, it's just that this private world of love that existed only for us now doesn't exist anymore because in her mind it was never real. It's all just this dream that only I had