r/Codependency

I (F33) am engaged to a (M44) who has 3 daughters (F17),(F11), and (F11).
The oldest will supposedly be moving out this year or next year to go to college, and she’s been with us full time because her mother died last year.
The twins have been with us full time for about a month because their BM is getting out of an abusive relationship. She is highly unpredictable and not dependable, and she has 7 kids, 2 are out of the house now. She is going to try and get section 8 housing but it would seem that the custody arrangement might be very uncertain for us. She doesn’t have a vehicle to transport 2 11 year olds, a 5 year old and two 3 year olds anymore.
I cannot handle having the twins full time. Having all the kids 50/50 was really my max. I’ve been extremely stressed out and overwhelmed since they been with us even though I try to keep it together.
We’re supposed to move in a couple months and honestly I’m not feeling comfortable signing a lease or even planning a wedding with how bad mentally I’ve been doing. I love him and the kids. It’s just too much for me in the situation we’re in right now.
I’m starting to believe we’re just incompatible but I keep talking myself out of it. I feel responsible for the well being of the kids because their mom has been a shit show for the last 4 years. I’ve been in all their lives for 5 years.
Honestly I miss my freedom and the ability to do things spontaneously with a partner without kids. I have the dreams to travel and it just seems unlikely here.
How do you stop gaslighting yourself and break free even if you love your partner the kids and the cats that you have together. It’s hard to leave it all behind.

I think i am messed up and don't know what to do.

I had this friend who became super close in a year. We used to talk hours each day and night and bit of physical touch which (which she later labeled as brother touch) i felt a connection and then her ex entered and i felt she was drifting apart and anxiety raised within me and i couldn't bare it and one fine day i confessed my feelings without clearly defining what exactly those feelings are. Is it love or attachement? Cause from the start i know she was not the right person i just got kinda attached to her due to daily calls and she saying i am importantperson in her life and introducing me to her parents and friends like a imp person in her life.

We went into no contact aftet my confession and i couldn't bear it and went back to her within 3 weeks explaining things clearly how anxious i was in the relationship and that anxious attachment caused this rift and begged to get back and be friends and now she is ignoring and i feel like shit i keep calling her begging her even though i feel disrespected. I keep waiting for texts.

Did something like this ever happend with anyone ? How did you navigate in this situation?

I feel awkward bringing this up to my therapist, so I wanted to test the waters of anonymity here. I first realized my propensity to be drawn towards codependent relationships after encountering Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence. I was shocked but also felt seen in those pages.

The book helped voice many things that made me uncomfortable, but still, others are rising to the surface, and I don’t know if it’s just me or if I’m more sensitive after realizing my parents were highly codependent with each other.

Growing up, since my love-addict mom didn’t have an intimate relationship with my love-avoidant father, she enmeshed with her children to provide the emotional intimacy she lacked from my father. I largely remember my father being gone anywhere from a week to three weeks for work because “he needed to.”

I grew up with my mom singing to me, scratching my back, and laying in my bed with me. I think she stopped laying in my bed around age 13, but it was a long time. I learned that was intimacy, and that’s how I chose my friends.

In the kitchen, my mom made me incredibly uncomfortable because she would always bend down from the waist when getting objects like pots and pans. Even if I was trying to get through, she would do that, and it was incredibly awkward and made me feel extremely uncomfortable. For some reason, she would be bent down when I was trying to pass through the small kitchen area. Later on in my healing journey, I told her it made me uncomfortable, but she would still do it.

She was extremely dissociative when I was younger. Every time I first talked to her, I'd expect her to look at me with a confused expression and say, “Wha?” Literally every time. It was as if her mind was everywhere but in the present moment. To be fair, I think she had a lot on her mind, living in a codependent relationship. She had a deeply seated abandonment fear and seemed like she was always trying to shape herself in the way her husband needed to keep her marriage.

Growing up, she came to us children for the emotional and physical connection she was supposed to have with her husband. I believe Pia calls it sexual emotional abuse but I feel bad saying it was physical abuse as well. But regardless the sexual emotional abuse felt way too intimate, as if she was using us in a way that did not respect our boundaries.

I felt like I had to play the role of friend, brother, father, and counselor for her, which was exhausting. Now I’m an adult, and looking back, I feel really uncomfortable about it all. It also makes me mad how my boundaries were overstepped, but I also feel guilty calling it abuse as I know, deep down, she was so dissociated she probably didn’t see it as abuse, even though that’s how I felt. My father is an even worse story, but I’ll stop there.

As a Codependent with Anxious attachment style, who used to always become super emotionally attached to situations and people, here is a brief reflection after consistent therapy for the past 2 years.

Emotional detachment helps us see people’s intentions more clearly, especially harmful or manipulative ones. It’s like stepping out of an emotional fog. The less emotionally entangled we are, the easier it becomes to see situations for what they truly are, instead of what we hope they will be.

That clarity makes it easier to spot red flags, unsafe people, and dangerous situations. It helps us analyse situations objectively and make better judgments.

I used to be anxiously attached, which made me overly emotionally invested in certain people or situations. Because of that, I often ignored warning signs and rushed in to rescue or save others without realising they were manipulative or harmful.

Emotional distance doesn’t mean becoming cold and unemotional. Infact emotional detachment allows us to tap into our empathy even more. We tend to empathise we good people and feel less emotional attached with unhealthy people.

This is what my healing journey has helped me realise. Does anyone share similar experiences? Please do share your views and experiences.

TL;DR: After six years, I am caught in a cycle of high-conflict manipulation, resource exploitation, and severe emotional abuse. From threats of self-harm whenever I set boundaries to her systematic isolation of me from friends and family, my life has become a series of "crises" I am expected to solve. I need absolute clarity on the dynamics at play because I have lost my identity, my confidence, and my peace.

The Reality of Our Six Years

I M30 and her F32, have been in this relationship for nearly six years. It has devolved into a high-conflict, toxic environment where shouting, screaming, and crying are the primary modes of communication. My "normal" meter is broken; I have been conditioned to believe that if I am not actively absorbing her emotional volatility or solving her self-created problems, I am a failure as a partner. The relationship started as FWB back in 2019 where we met abroad when we came to pursue studies. Later, she confessed her love around 2020, and we have started our relationship since then.

Constants in our relationship:

* I help her with her job everyday (She will lose her job in 2 weeks if I don't support)

* I fetch anything in the world for her, truly. Even if she thinks or sees it, I will get it for her

* I help her with finances and pays all the bills at home (she will pay her share whenever)

* She gets explosive for small things. Ex: In a discussion, I told her I'm going to a different city for a conference and when she said I don't have to go two days since she will have trouble with her job, I said i am not asking, I am telling. She flipped out and told me that it's not working out and called me an imbicle for no intimacy

* We haven't had any intimacy for last 2 years because of my shutdown

* She threatened suicide a couple of times. And breaking up many times (but she said that it's her default)

* When she shows love, she'll treat you like a small child and give extreme love

* I stopped talking to her generally at home and numbed my emotions with her. But I'm normal and joyful when I meet friends or other people

* If I stop helping her job, she would loose her job, she will loose the income to pay for loans back home, she will loose her face in front of friends and a total disaster. In the beginning she tried to learn her job, but later she didn't get interested and left it on me

Key Incidents and Conflict Patterns

* The Group Chat Conflict (Apr 2026): When she went back home, I was communicating with a bunch of couples who we met and have been friends with them for a couple of years. Since I was alone, they are trying to engage me in activities so that I don't feel alone. In one of those situations, I started to engage in the group chat and started talking to them. I was talking to them a little excited, and the 2 wives in the group were responding to my memes. They were suggesting some out door activities and I was supporting them. After an hour, my partner started dumping messages saying that why those whores are planning outdoor activities when I was not there, when I was there they always plan indoor activities. And you are enjoying with them pretty much. And you don't care if I die or stay alive here (She went to attend her sister's wedding). This triggered all the years of suppression in me and I wrote a 25 page letter to her explaining how I am not in the wrong with a 1 page disclaimer just to make sure that she doesn't read in a high tense situation. I didn't send it then, but she read that later she came back.

The Disclaimer: I wrote a clear, urgent disclaimer telling her NOT to read these notes if she wasn't in a place to handle the raw reality—specifically as she was preparing for her sister’s marriage—because I knew it would cause her emotional distress.

The Content: I used these notes to express that I am exhausted from suppressing my feelings. I detailed my struggle with confidence and the "failure" I felt when I was forced to stop going to the gym due to a lack of support and resulting schedule chaos. I wrote them because I had no one else to talk to and needed to lighten the burden of my stress-induced migraines.

* Financial and Career Sabotage: Her family pressured me to shorten trips to India to support her work needs. I help her with her work almost 2 hours everyday and during the beginning, I was helping almost 5 hours (In addition to my work). I have been doing this for 3 years and she got promoted in the meanwhile. I put my career at pause, doing my responsibilities daily not achieving for greatness/promotion/progress for over 4 years. Because of lots of stress juggling, I was diagnosed with migraine around 2022

* The Airport Incident (May 2026): I arrived at a busy airport pickup zone with flowers in the car to pick up my partner. An enforcement officer was actively targeting our vehicle, forcing me to focus on moving the car to avoid a ticket as she was standing in the handicapped zone. Because I did not immediately lavish her with the affection she demanded upon entering the vehicle, she exploded, accusing me of not loving her, and turned a logistics task into a character attack.

* Body and Self-Worth Attacks: She systematically critiques my appearance (weight, hygiene, facial features, and hair), calling me "dirty" and "unsanitary," which has profoundly damaged my confidence.

Cheating and Trust Dynamics

The relationship is riddled with accusations.

* We met around March 2019

* She confessed her love to me on Jan 2020

* She had an affair with a guy around Apr 2021 (During this time, she pushed me away from intimacy saying that intimacy is not everything in a relationship)

* She was drunk confessing her love to her ex on July 2021

* I started talking to random people for some sort of connection around Oct 2021

* She started using Snapchat around 2022 (confessed to me once that she is falling away from me)

* She went to meet a close friend (X) around May 2025

* She found out some of my chats on Mar 2026. Before she could read, I deleted them and asked if she was an angel. When she offered me her phone, I found some conversations with X, where she was practically begging him to give value, telling him that she'll always remember his smile, his silliness, his body, sharing sexual reels with him

Relationship Timeline and Dynamics

The Shift: My helping nature was once the bridge for the relationship, but it has become an expectation and a source of resentment. She resents when I help others, viewing it as me "taking away" from her importance.

The Current Cycle:

1. Trigger: A minor event occurs.

2. Explosion: She erupts in anger, creating a crisis.

3. Ultimatum: She threatens the relationship or uses self-harm language (e.g., "I will die from today") to force me to abandon my boundaries.

4. Submission: I spend hours or days in "fix-it" mode, sacrificing my own needs to soothe her.

5. "Peace": A temporary calm before the cycle repeats.

My Psychology vs. Hers

My Psychology: I am suffering from a trauma bond. I stay because I am grieving a version of her that existed in the past, and I have been conditioned to define my value through the pain I endure for her.

Her Psychology: She has stated she was "born and brought up" in an environment where shouting and crying are standard. She uses high-stakes emotional weapons—such as suicide threats—whenever she feels she is losing control of the narrative. She resists therapy because the conflict is the mechanism she uses to secure her position in the relationship.

Why I Am Posting

I am at a breaking point. I have lost my identity, I am suffering from stress-induced migraines, and I am recognizing that wanting peace is not selfish. I need to know how to break this bond and accept that choosing a life free from constant conflict is not a crime.

My situation in my head:

Since she is back from the trip, there is a fight every single day. Starting from airport pickup, next on the conference thing, and later on the OMAD (One Meal A Day) thing that I was doing because she let out 5-6 times before she went back home that I should be very thin when she is back. And she let out comments on my physique many many times (I'm 5'10" and weigh 96 kgs - went to 92 kgs in 3 weeks with OMAD). I became self conscious of my body and couldn't even change clothes in front of her. And there are so many insecurities that I got triggered which I can't even tell because I'm exhausted.

House situation:

I'm staying in the spare bedroom and there are a couple of relationship ending worthy discussions happened and she said that I need to make a decision as she is fine with me. Also I need to make a decision soon because she wants to get married by the end of this year no matter what (with me or someone else). She is very very very extremely lovely and she pours her heart when she showers love. After I told her everything and showed her the document that I wrote, she told that I am mentally ill and told me that she'll call cops/mental help/my parents. Later she understood the pain that I was suffering all these years.

Couple of days ago, she told me that OMAD is not safe for health and told me she will feed me. When I set a strong boundary, she told me that we're done and she begged me to help her job for a few days and we can live our separate lives after that. I took that very seriously and mourned the breakup crying rivers going to the mall. When I came back, the next day she was confessing that she just said that in aggression and didn't mean anything.

Today we had a discussion that this is not working out, and she pushed the decision on me and she will honor. My brain doesn't let anything happen to her and I just wanted to throw my whole life for her, just to see her not sad. I don't know what to do, I have consulted a therapist, showed the whole document and all the stuff and she told me that we're toxic and should end this relationship asap. My partner also in a sensitive discussion agreed that I will excel if I go away, but she is selfish and wants to keep me because we've lived together for too long. I have a split brain about thinking her cheating, my cheating, falling out of love, her work dependancy, her family trauma.

She just came to my room and sat beside me asking for a hug. I immediately wanted to fold (which I always do), but after the recent fights, everytime I touch her or see her directly, I am crying rivers. Don't know why. She promised me last night that she realized how controlling and all the things she was and she will correct them. But I have a hard time trusting that as her emotions change every sec.

Sorry if It's too long. I don't know what to do. What I am doing. I want her and I am ready to throw my life. But my body is rejecting that decision.

The questions I have:

* Am I blowing this out of proportion and throwing my relationship away?

* Is there any scenario that is relationship is salvageable?

* How to navigate the logistics of this situation if we were to go through breakup?

* How do I make her convince that I want to support her job even after break up until she can stand on her own?

I am open to any advice, stories, or perspectives from people who have survived similar long-term toxic dynamics. Thank you for reading.

So little backstory about me. Iv been in a toxic relationship for about 10 years. I mean the guy was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Always talked bad about me and my family. And he would throw things at me. And I kept going back as soon as he would apologize. I just could never really understand it. I tried therapy and it really got to the surface but it was just too general for me. And I started looking ip resources. I found one from this guy named Jeff. And originally i thought it would be like another therapist. (Eye roll) But he wasnt. He came in and gave me a fresh persoective and met me where I was with the resources he provided me. I seen so much improvement within myself. Confidence wise and just my overall ability to stand my ground.Happy to share his link if anyone is interested. But either way. Yay me. This has been such a remarkable thing to finally get over.

Just thought I share that to let people know that there is hope. Dont give up.

Sorry for the long post!

TL;DR: My boyfriend has CPTSD and throughout our 3.5-year relationship, I slowly took on the role of emotionally managing everything while ignoring my own boundaries. He’s now finally taking responsibility and seeking help, but I feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, stressed around him, and unsure if I even trust or know him anymore. He is genuinely a good person and has helped me a lot too, which makes this even more confusing. I don’t know if this dynamic is codependency, trauma responses, emotional neglect, or all of the above, and I’d really appreciate perspective.

Hi everyone. I recently came across the term “codependent” and started reading Codependent No More. I’m not sure if I qualify as codependent, or if what’s happened in my relationship is even considered abuse.

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 3.5 years. He has CPTSD, though he only realized it recently. Throughout our relationship, I noticed patterns that confused me deeply. He struggles with vulnerability and avoids discomfort. When triggered, he withdraws, dissociates, or leaves, then later acts like nothing happened. When I tried addressing it, he either felt attacked or said it would pass. Over time, I became hyperaware of his triggers and never knew what would set him off.

I want to be clear that he is genuinely a good person. We’ve never yelled at each other, thrown things, or been aggressive in any way. I know he loves me deeply, and he has helped me tremendously in many ways too. That’s part of why this is so confusing and painful.

I threw myself into helping him: trying to create safety, encouraging therapy, researching, and supporting him emotionally. I thought I was holding him accountable because I expressed hurt and anger, but I never actually let him face consequences. I constantly crossed my own boundaries and stayed emotionally and physically available no matter how much it hurt. I spent time with him even when I didn’t want to because I couldn’t say no. At the time, I worried saying no or pulling back would be toxic, but now I think I was abandoning myself.

We developed a pattern: I’d try to connect through talking, walks, or daily activities, and he’d withdraw when triggered. I’d ask what was wrong, he’d avoid it, I’d explain the impact, and he’d respond defensively (“just tell me what to say or do”). I’d explain I needed actual change, then eventually he’d comfort me and things would stabilize temporarily.

Meanwhile, I spent huge amounts of energy trying to understand what was happening—questioning myself, researching, and talking to friends. He gets triggered by negative emotions, so expressing hurt about the distance, the rejection, or constantly initiating repair often sent him into a flashback. I’ve gradually taken on a parental role: being overly careful, tolerating hurt, and teaching emotional skills.

Lately, I’ve also started feeling like the relationship drains my emotional resources. He doesn’t really have anyone close besides me, and he’s described himself as having learned helplessness. Because of that, I often feel like I carry the emotional weight of the relationship. There’s very little positive emotional contribution coming back consistently, because so much energy goes toward managing triggers, repairing disconnects, or helping him cope. I think over time I’ve become emotionally depleted.

I feel exhausted, and the last three withdrawals (he is still learning not to) hurt more than ever. I also don’t feel he fully understands the depth of my pain, which I need in order to continue.

Six months ago, I shared CPTSD resources with him. He felt seen for the first time and started learning about it, though he initially resisted therapy. He’s now trying to get help, but wait times are long. As he’s started taking more responsibility, I’ve unexpectedly become very sad and angry. I’m sad I spent so long confused and blaming myself. I’m angry he entered a relationship while emotionally unavailable. I’m hurt that I had to identify and explain the problem over and over, while he avoided discomfort like apologizing, opening up, or reflecting.

Now that he understands his CPTSD more, he’s become more honest, but it’s also been devastating. He’s admitted to habits that push people away, including me. He rarely shares about himself because he assumes people aren’t interested, even though I’ve always tried to engage and care.

The hard part is that he really is trying now, and doing well, but I can’t receive it anymore. My body feels stressed around him all the time. I feel emotionally burnt out, numb, and disconnected. I don’t trust him because I know how he can become when triggered, and I’m starting to question whether I even know him.

I don’t know how to move forward. Mostly, I feel like I need space—my own space where I can finally relax. But I feel guilty asking him to move out because money is a huge trigger for him and it would be very uncomfortable. I’ve tried bringing it up, but I can’t follow through. Part of me also wonders if it’s pointless if we end up together anyway.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I’d just really appreciate outside perspective.

My mom recently has gone to therapy and the therapist says she has some codependency issues and she’s having her read a book on it.

I also think I’m codependent. My last two relationships were very intimate but lacked freedom and trust. I feel like I trusted them but they did not trust me and were very easily jealous. I tried to give them as much reassurance as possible but to no avail. I seem to “pick” these types of relationships.

I think I’m codependent in friendships especially. If my friend feels emotional about something, I sometimes feel like they’re trying to “dump” it all on me and I become very distrustful of their intentions even though they are close friends of mine. One of them I’ve been friends with for over 10 years! I even notice this with my coworker. I can tell when she’s triggered or anxious and then I start to feel the same and it’s difficult to regulate if I don’t step away and take the time to ground myself.

I’ve recently learned that if I allow others to be themselves instead of constantly criticizing them in my head or trying to change them, that I’ll accept a part of myself. And whenever I accept “ugly” parts of myself, I’ll be able to accept the same in others. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind and it has been helping a lot with regulating my emotions.

Any advice? I’m not even sure if this is codependency. I also have dismissive ADHD. Any clarity would help. Thank you!

TL;DR: Looking back at my dating history I realized a painful pattern: different people, different reasons, same feeling. I repeatedly end up deeply loved behind closed doors but not fully chosen publicly or integrated into people’s lives. I’m wondering if I’m the problem or if I just became too understanding of people’s limitations and slowly disappeared in the process.

So I (F26) had a pretty painful realization recently and now I’m sitting here wondering if anyone else has experienced this because I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I looked back at my relationship history and despite everyone being very different, the ending feeling inside me is somehow exactly the same.

Guy #1: We had cultural differences and he had a lot of self-esteem issues. I loved him deeply, traveled for him, spent a lot of money, supported him emotionally, etc. But I was never really integrated into his life. I wasn’t actively introduced to friends/family and I always felt like I existed somewhere in the background.

Then came a poly relationship. One partner struggled with being openly queer/poly and couldn’t comfortably show affection publicly. The other loved me deeply but was terrified of family judgment and cultural consequences. I spent over two years being understanding and patient and trying to hold everything together.

Eventually I completely lost myself.

Then another relationship happened. Different person, same feeling. Religion and family expectations became barriers. He loved me deeply, but there were parts of me (spirituality, sexuality, identity) that made him uncomfortable. Again I found myself adapting and trying to understand.

Recently I had a short emotional/sexual connection with someone else. It moved really fast. We got emotionally close. I supported him too.

Then within ONE WEEK of seeing a picture of my friend he suddenly became excited about her and started talking about wanting to meet her and introducing her to family.

And weirdly that absolutely destroyed me.

Not because I wanted him long-term.

That’s the part messing with my head.

I genuinely do NOT want a future with him. If he had asked me to date seriously I probably would've said no.

But I sat there thinking:

"Wait… why does SHE get openly pursued while I always become the private chapter?"

And suddenly every relationship hit me all at once.

Different reasons:

\- culture
\- race
\- religion
\- sexuality
\- family pressure
\- shame
\- insecurity

Same feeling:

"I understand your struggles… but why do I always end up hidden?"

And now I’m wondering if I’m not attracting the wrong people exactly. Maybe I’m someone who loves deeply and becomes extremely understanding of people’s wounds and limitations. Maybe I make so much room for everyone else that I slowly disappear.

Because looking back I realize I repeatedly became:

the patient one
the understanding one
the one who waited
the one who adapted
the one who gave time, money and emotional labor

And honestly?

I’m not angry anymore.

I’m just tired.

I don’t think I’m asking for much.

I think I just want someone to proudly hold my hand and say:

“Yeah. This is my person.”

Has anyone experienced repeatedly being loved privately but not publicly? How did you stop accepting half-visibility and heal from it?

My ex and I had what I genuinely felt was a very loving relationship. He was incredibly thoughtful, caring, emotionally supportive, funny, and made me feel deeply loved. He’d make me playlists, give me little meaningful gifts, remember small details about me, and overall just made me feel very safe and cared for. We were best friends and I’ve honestly never connected with someone like that before.

The relationship had some issues, but nothing major, but many of I blame myself for. I struggled with insecurity (especially around one of his female friends), and when I drank I sometimes became reactive and said hurtful things during arguments that I deeply regret. He eventually told me he felt emotionally exhausted, isolated from friends, and overwhelmed by the relationship.

There were also some incompatibilities around lifestyle/future stuff, but emotionally it still felt like we were each other’s person. He even said I was his person. He wanted me to move to be with him (we were long distance for part of our relationship) but I had hesitations and fears. I was worried about giving up my entire life for him, and closing off the possibility of having kids because he was childfree and I was still on the fence. Eventually he cancelled a planned trip and ended the relationship. I reached out once after and he never responded.

And what hurts the most is there was a female friend of his who said some really rude things about me and us, crossed boundaries, and I really didn’t like her. We had many arguments about her and how I wanted her out of his life. He was resistant because he didn’t think she did anything wrong and she was in his friend group so he asked her to have a conversation with us 3 to repair things and she refused. He ended up removing her on social media and blocking her. I noticed after we broke up he refollowed her on social media which felt like a punch in the gut. I felt he chose her over me and it feels like he realized I was the problem. I feel betrayed and know if I reach out it would be a problem again, but it’s probably all my fault.

It’s been about a year and I still feel stuck. I feel like I’ve lost my spark. I have worked a lot on myself, but I can’t stop feeling like I ruined the best relationship I’ll ever have. Now I don’t even know if I want kids and I would 100% move for him. I just wish this feeling happened sooner. I still think about him constantly and desperately want to text him, but I’m terrified of rejection or finding out he’s moved on.

I just have no idea how to get over this or what to do, I feel like I ruined my shot and I’ll be alone forever now. Dating has gone horribly, I feel like I either get rejected or I’m not interested in them. My ex and I clicked SO quickly. Especially since it’s been a year and I still feel this way, I feel it must mean something. I desperately want him back but signs point to him not wanting me.

Why did he break up with me if I was his person? How do I accept this or process this grief? Should I reach out?

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my relationships and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve developed codependent tendencies or if I’m just worn down emotionally from repeated experiences.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (25M) for a year, and recently he brought up wanting a threesome. I know that isn’t inherently wrong, but because our relationship already lacks emotional consistency and reassurance sometimes, it made me feel strangely replaceable and anxious instead of secure.

What also affects me is my past experiences. My ex stopped talking to me after I refused breakup sex, and another guy I talked to openly admitted he mainly wanted sex.

I’m realizing I might attach too much of my self-worth to whether someone chooses me, desires me, or stays emotionally available to me. When people pull away or make me feel emotionally secondary, I internalize it really deeply instead of just seeing incompatibility for what it is.

I don’t know if this is codependency, low self-esteem, anxious attachment, or just normal hurt from bad experiences, but I’m tired of feeling emotionally consumed by relationships and validation.

How do you start separating your sense of self from romantic attention and emotional inconsistency from others?

What would you do if your ex was in an obvious mental health crisis and you were the only one that knew the extent of it?

We’ve known each other for eight years and he’s always had issues with getting validation from other women, but it’s escalating into dangerous activity now.

The first time I caught him talking to other women online was just a month into our relationship, and I should’ve left him then because it would happen at least once or twice a year since. After living together a few years (in my house) I sold that house and downsized so we no longer lived together but stayed together until August of 2024, but I stupidly started fwb with him. Well last spring out of nowhere, he flies half a country away to meet a woman he met online. I went no contact with him for two months but unfortunately our kids are friends and I let my guard down and took him back as a fwb.

We’ve been just friends since February but he’s been calling me 8-9 times a day, bringing me lunch 3-4x a week, in constant contact and using me for emotional support.

Well guess what happened out of nowhere Friday? He lied and concealed that he was spending the entire weekend meeting up with a stranger online in a cabin two hours away.

I’m beginning to believe these are manic episodes. It goes so much deeper than the meet ups- he’s also had job losses, fights with so many friends and family members that he’s isolated himself, insane debt (behind on child support, taxes, credit cards, etc) I just found out he hadn’t washed his clothes in over six months. He stopped paying most of his bills, was evicted last year, lives with his grandmother and if she were to pass, he’d be homeless. It would take him literally years to recover to a baseline, and that’s with him getting mental health help that he’s not willing to get.

There’s no one in his orbit I can reach out to with my concerns, so I feel like all I can do is watch him crash and burn from the sidelines. His ex wife hates me, and his family sees most of this behavior and just avoids him. All his IRL friends aren’t talking to him because he kept starting fights with them, his only friends are the random women he meets in dating and fetish Facebook groups. I feel stuck because I don’t want him to get worse, but every time he goes through this cycle it does get worse. I don’t know what to do.

Hey y’all, I’m a 28f and I recently got into a relationship with a 28m. It happened super organically, started spending more and more time together, and we recently said I love you. He calls me a lot, we spend a lot of time together, and mostly it feels good. but I haven’t been with someone in a long time and I’m used to my independence so I’m Struggling to understand whats healthy or not. He has anxiety and depression. What originally brought us closer together was talking about his mental health, me supporting him, and him getting better. I didn’t take the relationship very seriously at first, but then he started taking care of me in certain ways: supporting my endeavors, encouraging me creatively, etc. It felt like an even exchange, which it still does. But recently, his anxiety and depression is starting to feel more manic depressive. He’s obsessing over one thing over another over again. He’s starting to abuse drugs a bit (we both like to party and dance, but I’m super low substance just the occasional psych, whereas he drinks and loves K in particular. We both love dancing and it’s fun for us to do together). But while I can keep it to once a week, he finds hard to stop drug use after the weekend ends. And I’ve been trying to help him take breaks/quit, encouraging him to maybe even g to a meeting, but trying not to “force” him bc I don’t want to be “mommy.” Lately he’s leaning on me a bit more with his anxiety, when he thought spirals he calls me, whereas he used to hide it more. It’s the same stuff every time, and I’m trying to hold him in that and be supportive, but I don’t always know what to say and I don’t recognize him at all when he gets like that. He’s on antidepressants, had a psych and a therapist, but I wonder if he needs mood stabilizers or something. He can be so wonderful, but when he gets fucked up or has a manic/depressive episode (often post-party-ful weekend), I don’t know who he is. I can’t get through to him. I don’t know how to help. I don’t want
To be codependent (either by telling him what to do or by being complicit in the things that hurt him.) I’m not sure what the right path forward is. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

It’s devastating to be honest.

So I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past few years — including really difficult hard work through emdr — that I’m no longer codependent.

I had a friend who I considered a close friend. We hung out regularly and I was really happy as I felt like I found a good friend. We were friends for a year until things went really downhill quickly. Suddenly there were passive aggressive comments (I didn’t know they were passive aggressive as I’m autistic and don’t pick up on subtext easily) and pretty minor conflicts that I believed were resolved. For example, one conflict was when I had sent a smiling emoji to their casual question intending to immediately type out a message, but I got distracted (I’m also adhd haha) by something and forgot to send my actual response. They called me out for not taking them seriously. I apologized and explained. Pretty minor.

Anyways, it felt like minor thing after minor thing kept happening until they started distancing themselves, and when I questioned it, they blew up. Called me needy (I’m not), that they were icked out (verbatim, and wow what a really cruel thing to say to someone), said they hung out with me out of obligation, then cited a bunch of grievances — most of which were unknown to me until then…Just imagine someone you cared about, considered a close friend, pretty much telling you that you’re both not enough and too much at the same time. Incredibly painful. I’m not without fault, I own up to my parts, and ultimately we were incompatible…but wow fuck this was insane.

That was when everything clicked: the passive aggression, the sudden phase of never ending minor fights…not only did they not like me for months, but they had showed a bunch of codependent behavior:

- When we just met, it’s like they were trying to skip all the trust building phases of friendship and skipping straight towards really hard hitting emotionally intimate sharing (like wanting to share trauma stories). I have a shit ton of shitty trauma, & even when I’d done emdr, I am not sharing with just anyone let alone someone who I haven’t known for a year at least. Of course said I wasn’t comfortable talking about it in detail. I was vulnerable in sharing other non trauma related emotional happenings. It wasn’t often (only because at this time in life I’m pretty content), but I came to them for emotional support and them to me. I told them about how difficult and effective emdr was in trauma healing, but they eventually questioned — aloud to me — my healing because I wouldn’t talk about my trauma. I just didn’t talk about it with them on their timeline. Frankly, what an odd thing to say to a friend. I wish I clocked how cruel that was in the moment but I’m assured to know that that is something I’d never say or even think about someone who’s done some hard shit to heal from their trauma. Gross.

- Made it their mission to fix all my problems (assumed and unassumed) and took their own assumptions as fact. If I made an observational comment such as “there’s a lot of people here” (but I’m still enjoying myself), they’d offer solutions but when I declined support because I didn’t need it, they would get antsy. They’d assume that i would be mad or annoyed with them, but instead of asking for reassurance, they’d take that as a fact. They later cited this as a grievance and said that I didn’t know my needs and couldn’t bring up issues in our friendship as they arose. I didn’t bring up problems because I didn’t have many, but when I did I said it 😵‍💫 in hindsight, they did make a few comments throughout our friendship that they were working on not taking on others’ problems as their own.

- giving, giving, giving but declining taking. In terms of practical support, they’d offer to pay when we’re out (you know when people immediately take the bill and put their card down and signal the waiter…that) but when I asked to pay or at least pay my half, they’d decline. Every time. They’re rich so I just assumed they were being nice since money isn’t an issue. Aligned with fixing things issue, I struggle with eating due to adhd meds. Honestly it’s not a huge problem and I manage it. They took it on as their own problem to fix. At one point, they offered to cook dinner for me once a week. This never materialized, but I was excited because I thought they had just wanted to hang out and I offered to also cook for them/split labor. They declined. Anyways they later said they never actually wanted to do this and cited this as a reason I’m “needy” 😵‍💫 I again am autistic and I will take things at face value so how am I (or literally anyone for fucks sake) to know that they didn’t mean what they said. A good meal is a good meal especially with friends.

- Saw me as broken. I think this was a really hurtful realization that they saw me like this. Just all the fixing, questioning my healing, insisting I go to therapy again. What an awful way to see your “friend.”

I think I’m missing some but this was the gist. When they blew up on me, I said my peace and blocked them. Maybe I could’ve been better about it but I felt really hurt and angry that someone who I considered close didn’t fuck with me for months, and instead of saying the hard truth, they lied. I’ve honestly never been on the receiving end of this and it really hurt. For a little bit after, I felt insecure around my other close friends: Were they hanging out with me because they wanted to? Are they harboring resentment towards me? Did they mean what they say? Do they secretly hate me? I got over that shortly because my actual friends are wonderful. Honestly it’s been about 2 years now (yesterday was the death-a-versary to our friendship) and sometimes I think about it and if still makes me angry. To think, they people pleased to avoid being disliked, but that was exactly what happened because they avoided an uncomfortable conversation for so long. As much as I understand them and have done this too, I now dislike them and don’t respect them anymore and I grieve our friendship (or who i thought they were since they weren’t really showing up authentically).

Hi, I've already posted this to r/BPD so ignore that please.

My girlfriend has BPD (+GAD, AuDHD (, and it's something we've talked about a lot even before we were in a relationship as I also have a few disorders (osdd, CPTSD, AuDHD, depression + GAD) and we wanted to both make each other aware of challenges that will come up because of them, however this is one I'm struggling to navigate for the both of us. It's exam season right now in both of our schools and I disclosed weeks before the exams that it'll probably mean I won't be around as much to hang out with her as I'll be exhausted and my FND will flare up due to stress, but she has been struggling with lessening how much we hang out. Before the exams we'd hang out practically every day; after school and on weekends, which worked well for the both of us as it doesn't at all take a toll on me energy wise and I love hanging out with her; same goes for her, but exams have been killing me and I need to prioritise revising nonetheless, which I'm very bad at getting distracted from when around other people. She struggles when we cant hang out and has told me before that it's not the same when she hangs out with other people and I'm not there, and she doesn't get the same things from it. (She loves her friends a lot and I know she's not diminishing them; I understand what she means as I think I'm her FP, which I'm trying to help her deal with because I don't want to hurt her by being her FP)

It kills me to have to repeatedly tell her that we can't hang out the few times I have to, and I don't no what to do to help her. I don't want to hurt her or trigger an episode/cause her to spiral by not being there but I also am trying to prioritise myself and my energy levels with exams as I deal with accepting I have FND and how it disables me. I approach things very logically, which has helped her with other things in the past as I do my best to try and rationalise obstacles and help break things we come across down into parts easier to swallow and evaluate, but I know that it's not always helpful when the disorder she has is inheritantly irrational (not invalidating it as I know what it makes her feel is incredibly real), and this is so emotionally triggering for her.

Any advice is very very welcome. Sorry this is so ramble-y. Thank you

This is kind of a cross post, but I really want to stop being so codependent and begging my wife daily to stay with me.

I have had insanely bad depression and SEVERE anxiety/panic issues my entire life. I wont get into my childhood, but it was pretty bad. It was a uniquely awful situation growing up, and it caused me to have SEVERELY bad abandonment/codependency issues.

I (31M) met my (soon to be ex) wife (30F) when I was 19 years old, and I fell in love with her instantaneously.
I became immediately attached and obsessed. Within a year we got married and had our first child (we have multiple now) and have been married for over a decade.
I really do try (in my mind) so hard to be the best husband I can and to show that I love her.. in my mind. Problem is, in reality, I don’t. I absolutely suck.
I am an awful husband. I’m not saying this to garner sympathy, seem like I’m the victim (I’m not), or to center myself at all.
I let my insecurity overtake me, I avoid issues, I try to show love as much as I can, but it is not enough. I just simply am not good enough. I text my wife how much I miss/love her on my breaks, I show her affection when I get home, but I always try to speedrun all of the chores/stuff that needs to be done with the house and kids so we can cuddle and watch a show together like we do every night,
The time we spend together watching shows and cuddling at night is what gets me through the day. I think about it all day and try to get through life to make it to that finish line. It means SO much to me, it’s like my only safe space and I feel like I am finally whole, content, loved, and safe.
It means so much to me. I do not have friends, I don’t have ANY family, I don’t have anyone. Ever since I lost my last job that I had for years due to a plant closure, it’s felt a lot more isolating in a way.
I make a lot less at my new job, and people frankly treat me like shit there.
I really don’t know why.. I’m not lazy, I don’t cut corners, I work as quickly as I can, I’m polite and respectful, but I just can’t connect with people. I either get treated like shit and yelled at, or I get “jokingly” bullied and shit thrown at me.
I have a couple of friends at work, but other than that I really hate everyone else.

I’m just simply not meant to be social, I’m just not meant to be close with anyone.
I don’t mix well with other humans, and it hurts.

I want to make it clear that I am not going to end my life, I have no intent to.
I refuse to hurt my children like that. It’s just not an option.

I do wish so badly that I could wake up and just be someone else for a day. I fall asleep fantasizing that I could fast forward and wake up in my last week or two of life as an old man, just to see what the world is like out of curiosity, and then fade away.

I don’t know if anyone will read this or make it this far, but if you did: thank you.
You may be one of, if not the only person who’ve heard me.

Hello, I (female, 23) have been on-again, off-again with the same partner (male, 28) since October. We had a major crisis then, but decided to get back together. However, we've been in another major crisis all of May, which is causing us constant anxiety attacks.

A brief context: I've developed a very dependent relationship with this partner, to the point where my mental health depends on him. That is, it affects me extremely when he's involved with someone or gets involved with someone else, unless it's a casual fling. This is partly because throughout the relationship, I've only been involved with one other person, and it was a pretty disastrous experience. He has become my closest and most trusted person, the one I tell everything to; I love spending time with him.

I find it extremely difficult not to become emotionally dependent on the person closest to me at any given time. This has happened to me in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. My mood simply depends a lot on how I feel with the other person, the attention I receive, the priority I feel they're giving me… I feel like sometimes I always need the other person to give me certain levels of attention and security/containment to calm me down, and that sometimes ends up overwhelming me.

It's a polyamorous relationship, but in practice, he's much more involved. Due to this crisis we're having, we haven't spoken for a couple of weeks. Yesterday we met up again, and he showed up at the party with a connection he has (f, 25) that he hadn't been able to tell me about because we were out of contact. I like her, and in fact, I think I was flirting with her last weekend; we liked each other, but the last thing I can think about right now is managing this because I'm so anxious about my connection that I can't feel desire or want intimacy with anyone else. Yesterday I was incredibly anxious when I suddenly saw him forging a new relationship with ours so threatened, and I was able to control my anxiety much better than usual, although I eventually broke down and asked to talk. We stepped away from the party and discussed it. I cried, he hugged me, and told me he loved me and wanted to have a close relationship with me, but that we needed some distance to heal the dependency we'd created. He said that regardless of this new relationship, he wanted to get back together with me. After a while, he suddenly became overwhelmed and said he wanted to go home. Later, he texted me saying he realized that by talking to me, he wasn't respecting his own boundaries and that he wanted to be at the party with the new girl. I asked him many times if he wanted to get back together, but he said he was fine.

This morning I woke up to find many deleted messages from him and one message asking to talk. We talked a little, and he told me he's feeling terrible, that he's crossed a line he'd set for himself again, and that he doesn't want to continue the relationship; he wants to end it.

I'm in shock. I understand that he's really struggling, but I don't know what to do. On Friday, we had a conversation about managing the situation, and he told me that despite the distance, he wanted to work to be close to me, that he loved me very much. We even had some physical intimacy. What happened?

And, above all, is it possible to overcome dependency without ending the relationship? What can I do? I'm already in therapy, and my therapist recommends self-regulation techniques and, in general, creating distance from him so he doesn't become such a priority. The problem is that when I'm feeling down or not getting "enough attention from him," I find it hard to connect with other people. Any advice?

I think I'm having a spiral day, and I could use an outside perspective for some clarity.

I'm not going into specific details on my situation, but I'll try to keep the main points.

Someone close to me underwent major surgery and has been put on medication that affects hormones. Switching medications is not an option at this time, nor is not taking them. They will likely be on this medication for life due to health reasons.

After the surgery and medication, like weeks after, we had a falling out, ut we still have to interact because work. But they seem like a completely different person to me. Different values, different outlook, different priorities. I don't know where these changes came from, if it was due to our falling out or medication or surgery or all of it or something different.

We both haven't been treating each other the way we want to be treated. I've taken a step back and just watched so I could see without my codependency goggles on. And I don't like what I'm seeing now. This person is not who I believed they were, in fact is the opposite in many ways. These massive changes happened over a matter of months. I don't know what's real regarding this person, what's changed, what I maybe saw in fantasy and ignored reality in, etc.

This person has wounded me emotionally, financially, and refuses to take accountability or responsibility for their choices and behavior. This did not used to be the case. I really admired this person before, and my heart breaks to see who they have become.

I don't like the notion of leaving someone in need, especially since I know they would stay by my side under normal circumstances if our roles were flipped. We had promised a long time ago to support each other no matter what. But when this person has hurt me so much and refuses to acknowledge it or change, I logically know it's time to cut ties but struggle to let go of who they used to be. I fear the person I used to care about is just lost and struggling, not gone or fake. But I know I can't change, control, fix, or "help" this person. It's not healthy for me and they would likely resent me for trying. They also resent me for not trying, so I really can't win either way.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice on what I should do, because ultimately I need to make that decision for myself. I really just need some help seeing the situation for what it really is. I'm lost and grieving and trying to recover from my codependency on them. I don't know if there's a light at the end of this tunnel or not. I don't know if this person is who they are now, or if it's temporary. I don't know if what we shared was real. It felt real, but I've been told that it wasn't by this person who I shared it with. I've been told by this person that they were dishonest with me about who they were, and shortly after they began acting totally different from how they had been before.

I'm rambling now some. I'm just so lost. I'm happy to give more details in a PM if anyone wants to chat more.