u/shabadongacacbo

I’m 31M and have been with my partner 36M for about 7 years. I’m posting because I really need opinions from people who don’t know either of us because I honestly can’t see this clearly anymore.
I have a serious stimulant/chemsex addiction and have been to rehab/detox multiple times. I recently got to about 2 months clean and then relapsed really badly. Drugs, escorts, spending money, lying/hiding things etc. My partner found out and it has basically blown up our relationship.
I take responsibility for what I’ve done. I know I’ve hurt him enormously and addiction has made me a fucking terrible partner at times. I’m also unemployed and have depended on him financially for a long time, which has created a huge amount of resentment.
But I don’t know how much of our problem is my addiction anymore and how much is the relationship itself.
One thing we constantly seem to feel is that the other person doesn’t support us.
During those 2 months clean I was begging him not to smoke weed around me because I’d literally just come out of detox and found it incredibly triggering. He continued smoking. Weirdly, right when I relapsed, he finally quit weed AND cigarettes. I am genuinely proud of him for doing that, but there’s also a painful part of me thinking why couldn’t this have happened when I was desperately trying to stay clean?
He has his own resentment towards me too. He feels like he’s carried me financially and watched me go through treatment and relapse over and over again. I can understand why he’s exhausted.
Then there’s sex work. He lost his job recently and money became a serious problem. He started doing sex work and at the beginning I felt almost like I couldn’t object because I’m not working and we needed money. But he actually enjoys it and wants to continue doing it, potentially travelling for clients.
That’s extremely difficult for me because sex and drugs are completely tangled together in my addiction. There was also a lot of cheating earlier in our relationship that I don’t think I ever properly got over.
At the same time I feel like a massive hypocrite because during my relapse I was the one spending money on escorts.
When he found out he became unbelievably angry. I understand the anger. What I struggle with is how extreme it can become. When we’ve had these massive arguments I tend to admit what I’ve done, apologise and tell him I know my addiction has hurt him and that I hate what I’ve become when I’m using. But sometimes his anger feels like it just keeps escalating and there have been things said and done that I don’t think are okay either.
And yet I fucking love this man.
That’s what makes this so confusing.
When we’re good, I feel more comfortable around him than I have ever felt with another human being. We are ridiculous together. We laugh constantly, cuddle, annoy each other, know everything about each other and can completely be ourselves. There have been periods during recovery where our relationship has been absolutely beautiful.
I genuinely don’t think you get many chances in life to love somebody like that.
And I’m terrified of throwing that away.
But I also have a massive fear of abandonment and being alone. I’m way too dependent on him emotionally and financially right now. When I imagine breaking up, my brain doesn’t just think “I’ll miss him.” It goes straight to: What the fuck is my life? Where do I go? Who am I without him? How do I support myself? What if I’ve just destroyed the best relationship I’ll ever have?
He recently said something to me that has stuck with me: “You won’t grow within your comfort zone.”
And I think he’s probably right. I need to become independent whether we stay together or not. I need to work, have my own money, have my own recovery and stop making another person responsible for whether I’m okay.
But I don’t know whether becoming independent means we need to separate, or whether it’s something we could somehow do while staying together.
I keep thinking if I could just get properly sober, get a job and become stable then maybe we’d finally have a chance. Because when I’m sober I’m genuinely a much better partner.
But then I wonder if I’m constantly imagining some future version of us instead of looking at what our relationship actually is right now.
I don’t want “dump him” or “you’re the asshole” responses. I know I’ve fucked up badly. He has hurt me badly too. Neither of us is innocent here.
I just really want to hear from people who’ve experienced addiction/codependency or a relationship where there was a huge amount of genuine love but also a huge amount of damage.
How do you know the difference between fighting for a relationship because the love is genuinely worth fighting for, and fighting for it because you’re terrified of being alone?

TL;DR

31M with severe stimulant/chemsex addiction is in a 7-year relationship that is now strained by repeated relapse, financial dependence, infidelity/escorts, and growing mutual resentment. Both partners are struggling: OP is unemployed and emotionally/financially dependent, while his partner is exhausted from supporting him, has anger issues, and has begun sex work after losing his job. Despite strong love, intimacy, and good moments, there are serious trust issues, triggers, and ongoing conflict. OP is torn between trying to rebuild the relationship through sobriety and stability or leaving due to concerns that it is fundamentally codependent, unstable, and driven by fear of abandonment.