u/fever4Apringle

Part of me wonders whether asking him to move out has to mean making a decision about our entire future right now.

What I feel like saying is:

"I love you, but we cannot continue living together. I need my home to feel peaceful and stable again. What happens from there will depend on the choices we both make going forward."

If he genuinely wanted sobriety and chose to pursue it for himself—not because I threatened him—and demonstrated real change over a long period of time, maybe we could eventually figure out what comes next.

Or maybe living separately would give both of us clarity that we don't have while we're in the middle of this situation.

I don't know.

What I DO know is that I don't want promises anymore.

I don't want "I'm going to."

I don't want one good week after a confrontation.

I don't want to keep having conversations that temporarily change something before everything gradually returns to normal.

I'd need actions. Consistency. And time.

So I guess I'm looking for advice about several things:

• Am I being reasonable in deciding that we can't live together anymore?
• Is asking someone to move out a reasonable boundary when repeated substance use and damaged trust are affecting your ability to feel comfortable in your own home?
• How do you tell the difference between unhealthy hypervigilance and the completely predictable result of having your trust repeatedly damaged?
• For anyone who has successfully rebuilt trust after substance use or repeated dishonesty, what did rebuilding it actually LOOK like? What changed consistently over time?

I'd especially like to hear from people who have dealt with substance-use issues from either side.

If you were the person using substances, did anything someone close to you said or did actually make you change? Or did that only happen when you decided for yourself that you wanted something different?

I'm not looking for everyone to automatically tell me I'm right. If there are ways I've contributed to this dynamic or things I'm not seeing clearly, I want to hear that too.

I think I've just reached the point where loving someone and being able to peacefully share a life with them feel like two different questions.

Thanks for any support. My nervous system is misfiring.

Part of me wonders whether asking him to move out has to mean making a decision about our entire future right now.

What I feel like saying is:

"I love you, but we cannot continue living together. I need my home to feel peaceful and stable again. What happens from there will depend on the choices we both make going forward."

If he genuinely wanted sobriety and chose to pursue it for himself—not because I threatened him—and demonstrated real change over a long period of time, maybe we could eventually figure out what comes next.

Or maybe living separately would give both of us clarity that we don't have while we're in the middle of this situation.

I don't know.

What I DO know is that I don't want promises anymore.

I don't want "I'm going to."

I don't want one good week after a confrontation.

I don't want to keep having conversations that temporarily change something before everything gradually returns to normal.

I'd need actions. Consistency. And time.

So I guess I'm looking for advice about several things:

• Am I being reasonable in deciding that we can't live together anymore?
• Is asking someone to move out a reasonable boundary when repeated substance use and damaged trust are affecting your ability to feel comfortable in your own home?
• How do you tell the difference between unhealthy hypervigilance and the completely predictable result of having your trust repeatedly damaged?
• For anyone who has successfully rebuilt trust after substance use or repeated dishonesty, what did rebuilding it actually LOOK like? What changed consistently over time?

I'd especially like to hear from people who have dealt with substance-use issues from either side.

If you were the person using substances, did anything someone close to you said or did actually make you change? Or did that only happen when you decided for yourself that you wanted something different?

I'm not looking for everyone to automatically tell me I'm right. If there are ways I've contributed to this dynamic or things I'm not seeing clearly, I want to hear that too.

I think I've just reached the point where loving someone and being able to peacefully share a life with them feel like two different questions.

Thanks for any support. My nervous system is misfiring.

Considering participating in groups like slow roll or critical mass?

Any info about these groups or any other? Just love riding my bike and bored doing it alone.