r/AlAnon

36f, husband is 38. We have 2 beautiful little boys. We’ve been together 8yrs, married 4. I finally had enough and left him. But today I have this huge sadness.
These are just the big blow up high lights;

For yrs we have fought for yrs over his drinking. In yr 1: I have waited up till 4am, pregnant with our first son. For him to come in stumbling drunk. He screamed at me and slammed stuff around. When that one was 3months old. He went out with his dad on more than one occasion to drink. Never coming home, wouldn’t answer my calls or text. If I brought it up. Let the screaming match begin, and he would break my stuff. I kicked him out, and he begged me to let him come back. So I did, cause of our first child.

Year 2 We buy a house in the area he wants to live in, under my name. He stopped breaking my stuff. Drinking was semi better. Still would pull the stay gone all night. I was pregnant with my angel baby. He was supposed to leave for Vegas to bowl with his dad. That morning he was getting ready to go. I started bleeding. I told him I thought I was losing the baby. He left me, for Vegas and his dad. My mom took me to a obgyn appointment to confirm the fetus was gone. I stayed mad and didn’t really speak to him for a long time.

Year 3 We still fight over the drinking. Say awful things to each other. He will stand nose to nose with me. Won’t let me pass by him. I’ve had to physically shove him or something a few times, to get him to physically move. So I can leave the house, with our oldest witnessing this. To go stay at a hotel or my parents. He tells me “I’ll stop drinking, I’ll get a new job. My behavior is deplorable.”

Year 4 We are engaged and pregnant with my youngest. Oldest is home with strep. His brother who’s also an alcoholic, was going through a divorce. His brothers brother in law, who was also an alcoholic. Killed himself. My husband, I’m going to go to the wake with my brother. I’ll be home later. Me “Please don’t go get drunk. We have a sick baby.” 5hrs go by he tells me “I’m getting yall nachos.” 1hr later I’m standing at the bar in Joe tacos, having a fight. Holding my 3yrs old. We leave and go home. The fight continues, into our driveway. As I’m holding my son, approximately 4months pregnant. And he’s there screaming at me for having the nerve to confront him and his brother at the bar. I kicked him out, called off our wedding. He doesn’t speak to me for days. Then begs me to take him back and he will never do it again. So we end up marrying in the next month.

Year 5 We have another huge fight about staying working for his brothers and drinking. I tell him that he needs to find a new job, and get sober. We do the screaming thing call each other awful names. I kick him out, and get divorce papers. I’m going to file, and he falls off a roof. Breaking his arm and pelvis. So I stay with him. Help him, pay his medical bills, he used to pay me back for. Now he just sometimes does.

Years 6-7 same type of behavior off and on. Not always bad. But still the drinking and lying continues.

Year 8 Most recently. I’ve shown up at his job, a couple of times the past 2wks. Caught him drinking, he will chunk the can. Tells me I was picking up my brothers or other coworkers. I’m not drinking. This past Thursday, “I’m here alone. I’m closing down the job about to leave” he butt dials me and I can hear the opposite of what he just told me, in the background. He comes home. I won’t speak to him. He gets mad. All Friday we never spoke. He tells my son “No I’m not coming home. Your mom sent me a ✌️ text. She doesn’t want me there.” I tell my son “no that’s your dad’s choice. I didn’t tell him to stay out.” Son calls his daddy 1hr later “Oh ya buddy I’ll be home My coworker is dying. I’m helping him” about 40mins later my son calls again “ya I’m coming home. I’m just helping this guy who’s actively dying.” So I called in a wellness check. The cops show up, can find no one. They’re hiding in their shop. Call me looking for my husband and his coworker. I give them my husband’s number. Tell them what he drives. Lo and behold, the coworker is fine. Not dying. Husband comes home. Tells me he wants a divorce. Screams nasty stuff at each other. I record him. Send it to both of our families, so they can see what he’s like in his drunken stupor. I load my kids up, go to moms. He jerked open my passenger door to flip me off. I kept driving. He stayed drunk and away all weekend. Told him get your stuff out, before we get home. He tried to love bomb me, then tried to tell me. When the love bomb text didn’t work. That I made Thursday up, and had no reason to be mad. And he didn’t lie. His coworker is still dying. I have honored his statement of “I want a divorce” and I’ve truly been at peace about it. I know it’s the best thing for myself and the kids. But today I’ve been weepy, and I don’t know why? Is that a normal response to following through with a separation?

Hey!

First time on this sub, but seeking some advice on how to support my partner who has been struggling against alcoholism for years, and it’s still ongoing?

We’re both near 30, not living together, and been together about 1,5 years.
He has confided in me about some of his past struggles with alcohol (he is consuming much less now than in his past), but he led me to believe that he was managing around 2-3 beers on weekends, but no more. We were long distance so I had no way to know really. But I live in his city now.

I hadn’t been to his appartment in 9 months, but I knew he really struggled with some hoarding and serious cleaning issues. So a few weeks ago he finally admitted it was too much for him to handle, and allowed me to come over to help him.
We cleaned up the place, but during that I collected 450 large 0,5 liter beer cans for recycling (counted by the machine) and about another that many were too damaged for recycling + around 10ish wine bottles. He said he took out a whole lot of cans and bottles about 6 months ago.
So within 6-9 months he consumed about 900 large cans of beer, which makes out about 3-5 per day every day. I was shaken by the discovery and extremely worried for his wellbeing. I can handle the rest – the mental health, the hoarding, the financial challenges –but the amount of alcohol and the fact that he had lied to me really scared me, as I’ve seen so many families around me absolutely wrecked by alcoholism. I don’t judge him, I know alcoholism is *rough* and he’s dealing with a lot, but I am terrified for him and our potential future.

We have since very briefly spoken about how I felt finding out about his drinking (I started having pretty serious anxiety attacks afterwards, which he noticed and asked about). But the conversation was short and tough, as he is extremely sensitive and defensive of the topic. He admits that he is an addict, but he is also stubborn about trying to handle it on his own, and I am a bit scared to approach the topic again (just a peoplepleaser, not worried for my safety in the slightest). I will, though, somehow, sometime.

He has severe AuDHD, a history of depression and panic attacks, many health problems, and almost complete social isolation, living a few hours away from his family and friends. I know many of his health and mental health issues are strongly enhanced by alcohol, along with some financial challenges.

I have a psychology degree and have done some research, so I understand the theoretical side of how mental health and environment affects the situation, but I lack any and all personal lived experience with this kind of addiction.
I’m not a big drinker myself, and though I enjoy a glass of wine or two socially, I’d be more than willing to become completely sober myself to support him. But what else?

Aside from supporting his mental health and encouraging lifestyle changes (leading by example, ofc, and being kind) how can I help a man addicted but convinced he doesn’t need any help?
Is there even any hope?

I would not want to marry and start a family with someone who is actively such a heavy drinker and unwilling to take it seriously (both for emotional safety and also to not become a widow at 50 from a completely preventable cause). But I love this otherwise really wonderful man and don’t want to give up on him without a fight.

What do I do, reddit experts?

(Also please be kind, I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m trying to learn and be better, stronger, and more compassionate. Thank you 🩵 and English isn’t my first language so apologies for the many errors bound to hide in my text.)i

I keep hearing about learning to detach with love. Can somebody please explain HOW exactly this can be done?
But secondly, what’s the point? Legitimate question. If you completely detached from someone, emotionally, physically, what is the point of staying married? I’d like to hear other people who have done this and what their reasons were. I realize leaving them is extremely difficult, which is why I haven’t done it myself. I realized now I’m a codependent coward who doesn’t have the strength to leave .
But would like to know why others have decided to detach instead of leaving. Was it because of children or finances or other types of traps and keep you in prison and therefore need to use the detachment method? Just trying to understand.

“If you don’t absolutely love the person (Q) exactly as they are right now while they’re drinking, then all of the same problems will reappear if they are ever sober.” I thought I knew better. In my spouse’s case, they got sober and have supposedly (I have my doubts) been sober for 8 months. Well, after over seven years married and nine together total, they suddenly decided they have actually been miserable this whole time because of me. We are separated now. I am half angry/sad, half relieved as hell. Angry/sad because I knew better and now wasted nine years of my life - as well as introduced custody battles with a person who, until now, has been the nicest, kindest person on Earth. I absolutely have suspicions of an emotional affair taking place at her job with her boss, and, furious though I may feel when I think about it, I have reached a point where I don’t even truly care beyond the legal utility of something like that if it happens. I am yearning to be free and the end is in sight. But god damn, I should have listened to my therapist many years ago.

I love my boyfriend so much, and the drinking has gotten better but I am tolerating less and less. I have been with him for 8 years, and I have known from the beginning that there was a certain tendency to drink a bit more than I’d like. But I thought hey, we’re still young, a lot of people do this. Plus, he has trauma and comes from a family of alcoholics so all in all, I thought, he’s turned out pretty well.

There have been some hard bumps in the road - things like losing his job or depression made him drink as a crutch, definitely doing so more regularly

But as things got better, the drinking became less often and it looked like it was under control.

However, either because I’m getting older or more aware, I’m tolerating it less and less. It feels like there is always a reason to drink, even though he doesn’t drink every day. Maybe a couple of beers on the weekend, but every now and then it just goes bad. There have been a handful of times over the last two years where it’s been real bad.

Like, had a bad day so binge drank and threw up on his shoes before coming home. Every single time this happens, he cries for hours about how sorry he is and how he hates that he takes it to the extreme.

I hold him, comfort him and tell him that he needs help. He says he will get some.

2 weeks ago he went out with his friends and they had too many shots and he got home late and threw up on his pants.

Crying, apologizing, wanting to get better.

Tonight, he goes out to dinner with his friends. Promises he’s not going to drink much, he has work in the morning and they’re just going out for some food. Says he’s in control.

Now, I don’t mind if he has a couple of beers or wine with his friends. Lord knows I went for dinner with my friend and had 2 glasses of wine.

The difference? Even though we left the house at the same time, I was back at home by 10:30pm ready to go to bed as we have to get up for work in the morning.

I even offered to pick him up as I was walking by near where they were.

It’s 1:30 now and he’s stopped replying. Last I received was a photo of him and his friends at a bar when I arrived home.

Part of me thinks I shouldn’t be angry, that it’s normal for him to want to have some food and drinks with his friends. These guys all have jobs and girlfriends too, this is normal.

But another part of me knows him, and specifically, the side of him that can’t stop once he starts drinking.

It’s so difficult because he can control it most of the time, we can have a beer at a football game or a wine with some friends and it doesn’t have to turn into bingeing. But especially when I’m not there, it’s like the sweet, caring, apologetic man I know disappears and the only-fueled-by-alcohol version of him takes over.

He’s not aggressive or mean, he just becomes self destructive. I’ve noticed as well that on those occasions is when the trauma he’s suffered floats to the surface and he just drinks more and then cries about it. It’s so heartbreaking but there’s nothing I can do to save him from himself.

I hate it. I know he will come home and apologize and it will start all over again.

I genuinely love him so much, and I truly feel for him and what he’s gone through and I can relate and understand some parts of his behaviour but this is just getting harder and harder by the day. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want someone else, I want the man I know he can so often be.

My boyfriend (32) has 2 dui. I would not say that he considers them as a serious issue. Always mentioning jail time as if he was on a vacation. What is worse is that he drinks a lot. Almost daily, quite intensely. He does not get aggressive or anything but this kind of attitude concerns me a lot, makes me re-consider the relationship itself. Am I being over dramatic or that’s something really serious. What should be taken in consideration in future.

In addition to that, my father used to be an alcoholic. My mom abandoned him and my whole childhood I blamed her; He died alone in his sleep. Even though I did not know about my boyfriend’s drinking habits in the beginning, it has triggered everything I have ever felt. Now I want to save him.

Pretty much like the title says. My husband’s father had a stroke and was in the hospital for a night. I came home and found that my Q had several cuts all over his arm. When asked, he said he needs some kind of release without alcohol. It’s just so sad to see and makes the guilt of planning a separation even worse. I feel so trapped and hopeless. I know we’re not responsible for their actions but it’s so hard to watch someone become a shadow of themselves so quickly.

My (33F) fiancé (40M) and I welcomed a baby girl recently. He stayed away from alcohol the entire pregnancy and took his addiction seriously. Since she’s been born, there are some things going on with her health and it’s been hard. She is better now, and now that she’s okay he has started drinking again. He says he drinks to “unwind” and “relax”. Every now and then, he drinks alone in the mornings and is drunk by noon. He becomes a different person when he drinks: justifies the alcohol use, mean, difficult to talk too. He will get so drunk he can’t stand up straight or hold a conversation.

I have reached out to his two best friends, they are concerned and plan on speaking to him soon. He is hesitant to talk to a professional. He tried therapy a couple times in the past but didn’t like it. He turns to his faith in times of trouble, but he refuses to attend his church’s men’s support group.

I don’t know what I can do to help him if he doesn’t accept he has an addiction that requires professional help. I know I don’t want my daughter to grow up around this, but it would break my heart to cancel the wedding and split apart.

I sincerely don’t know what to do. I want to support him on a journey to sobriety. But I don’t know how long to give him before my daughter and I leave.

Thank you in advance for even reading this. I’m so sad. I just want him to be okay.

Edited for typo

Hi like the title says I’m new here. I just had a baby a few months ago and I need to go to a meeting but don’t want to take my little one so I figured I’d give it a try here for now.

My mom’s drinking is affecting her relationship with me as a new mom and with how much interaction I’m comfortable with her having with my baby and I just feel so sad about it. And really angry at her.

I’ve been angry at her for her drinking for decades. She’s mean. She says awful hurtful things. She’s selfish and self centered. She doesn’t seem to care at all that her drinking affects our whole family and other than a few instances in the past thirty odd years she refuses to acknowledge that she had a problem. She refuses to take accountability for anything. She won’t go to the doctor for a check up and hasn’t in at least a decade because she doesn’t want to tell them how much she drinks. She has off the charts anxiety which she won’t address for same reason. She lies all the time.

I know I can’t control her behavior. I know she’s not going to change. I know she’s not going to get sober. I’ve reduced interactions as much as I can because she is hostile and ignores boundaries and intentionally triangulates me with the rest of the family and tries to create stress and drama for her own amusement. I don’t want my child to grow up exposed to that.

Having a child has just brought all my feelings about her back up. I’ve found myself hoping that she passes away before my child is old enough to be affected by her drinking. And then I feel awful and guilty for thinking that.

I’ve done so much therapy and worked so hard to learn how to have healthy relationships and communication. I’ve fought for hard to have dignity and self respect and a healthy relationship with myself. All without the support of a mother. Without a relationship with my mother.

Thanks for listening.

So it's my spouse's AA birthday and I'm trying to think of a good way to celebrate.

Anyone have any cool or unique ways you celebrate these occasions?

I did it. I broke up with someone I still love deeply. For context. I’ve loved a person with AUD before, and have several people in my family with it. He knows about my history.

It started long distance, so I didn’t really know. It showed up in little ways. Him forgetting what we were talking about, while we were talking about it. Lots of blinking. Taking a drink to bed. I wrote it off as a phase, of moving and starting a new job. He said he liked to have a bourbon or two when he talked on the phone with his family members, or me.

Eventually, it appeared to me that it made his short fuse, shorter. I blamed it for some of our fights, or comments not landing right. He fell asleep after work and would not call me, often. So finally, I mentioned that I was worried. He said no one had ever been worried about his drinking before, and that he felt a lot of shame. I said it would mean a lot to me if he tried to cut back a little, and left it at that.

Then, he would turn the FaceTime away when he’d take a drink. I knew because he always made the same face after he took a sip. I thought that was weird, but let it go. In person, he typically wouldn’t have too many when I visited, and never made me feel scared or unsafe.

Finally, we decided to move in together. He quit his job and moved to be with me. That meant so much! But, he drank. He drank every night. I’d work my day job and my evening job and come home to him drunk on the couch. One day, he had put bourbon in a coffee mug during the day and said he was anxious about a job he was waiting on so he had a drink. Eventually we got in a fight. I said it was unattractive to me to find him like that, and it made me nervous that he was drinking during the day. We talked about some boundaries. Communicating when I was going to come home to him drinking. Limiting to a couple drinks so it wasn’t overdone. Measuring his drinks with a shot glass instead of just pouring them.

My therapist said that it’s okay for someone to want to drink at home. She suggested I communicate that the amount of drinking he enjoys doesn’t really line up with my values around health, and leave it at that. See how it proceeds.

It would get better for a while, and then it would fall off. He would just stop communicating. He told me he hated it because he felt like he was reporting to me, but offered no compromises. I knew he wasn’t measuring his drinks when I wasn’t home. Eventually, he started working later. I worried he was going to the bar. I started smelling his breath when we kissed. He said he didn’t want to feel monitored. Which was fair, but I couldn’t stop. Once, after a big fight, I found a bottle of bourbon in the back of his car. He took a break for a week but put bourbon in his sweet tea. When I smelled it and tasted it, he freaked out and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him.

Once I finally got the nerve to ask about the bottle in the car, he said he had met a supervisor (he is the manager, the supervisor works for him) in the parking lot to have a few drinks. Isn’t that weird? The supervisor was going through a tough time. I said I thought he was drinking bourbon from a coffee mug on his way home from work, or in the parking lot. He said the supervisor is just a kid and his mom has early onset Alzheimer’s. He needed someone to talk to. I told him it really hurt my feelings that he didn’t share that with me, to think I was waiting at home with dinner and he was drinking in a parking lot.

Then, bottles of bourbon would appear and disappear from the bar. I told him I had a hard time trusting what he told me regarding alcohol. He took that as “I don’t trust you”. He came home one day with a half empty bottle. He said the supervisor was in deep in the parking lot and he needed help. I had to ask if he’d had a drink. He said no, the supervisor poured him one and that’s why he noticed the bottle was so empty, so that’s why he took it from him. He said he didn’t drink any, showed me a coffee mug with barely two sips of bourbon in it. Now the supervisor was a grown 65 year old adult. The story did not remain consistent.

I said why didn’t you help him if he was intoxicated. What does taking the bottle away accomplish? He said he got him to stop and sent him home. I didn’t believe him.

A month ago I got in a car accident. No car. He was supposed to pick me up from physical therapy. I had to uber. He came home staggering, with plants. Said he went to Lowe’s. Sat down and said he was looking for places to live, didn’t think we could work this out. Stormed out without letting me ask questions. I had a trip to Denver in the morning.

Called my friend having a panic attack, she came over to sit with me. He showed back up an hour later, drunk. Said “do I ask?” Then left again. Didn’t say where he was going. Drove drunk.

When I confronted him he said he wasn’t going to beat himself up for it. Took us a week to have a conversation. Two more days for me to end it. I love him so much but I can’t ignore the signs. It was the lying for me. The first thing he did when I ended it was pour a drink. I felt so validated and so broken all at once.

I guess I wanted to share because I’m looking for validation and support or even some constructive criticism on how the situation was perceived or handled. I still love him deeply and we live together, I gave him two weeks to move out and there were other issues besides drinking but this just was the biggest thing that brought up other issues and resentment due to my anxiety. I was also in therapy for two years and tried working through some of this with my therapist, but had to stop going when I lost my job. I am now employed and have a car. It’s so hard because he’s so kind to me and we’ve been through a lot of life changes together. However, I truly don’t think he thinks he has a problem and was only changing because I asked him to work on it, not because he wants to drink less. There is just a part of me that wonders if I should’ve given him more of a chance.

I know he's getting better, he's trying. He's going to aa meetings which I attend with him for support, he just finished a bottle which he deems his last, drinking and "pouring out" the rest of it last night. Yet we both agreed that we should keep it as an emergency for withdrawal cause he shakes really bad and has had seizures in the past. I don't know what to do, I get that the temptation of alchohol in the house might be too much but what if something happens? I've heard folic acid and electrolytes are the best for withdrawals but will that really help prevent somthing medical from happening? It's hard to be supportive when just two nights ago he decided to have a third shot to calm the shakes after already having a designated one to two shot limit for DTs. I figured talking about it with people who go through similar things and question themselves would help, so here I am. How do you deal with loving them and still being so frustrated and mad at them? It feels like a weight on my shoulders that I know I shouldn't be carrying cause I can't fix it or cure it yet I need to be here to support him. Anyway if you read to the end of this I hope you're having a good day🫶🫂

My dad is 62, he’s always been a drinker my whole life. He’s recently retired and had a great life and family, but he’s always had some internal issues he doesn’t talk about.

Hes progressively lost weight, has eating issues like cannot swallow a lot and tends to feel like it’s stuck, he is a diabetic, since he’s retired he’s been drinking more and everyone has encouraged him to go see a doctor to help with his eating issues. But he is so stubborn and refuses or ignores you.

A few weeks ago he was drinking and fell, nothing too crazy happened. Tonight he was drinking and went to bed, my mom heard a bang, she found him in the bathroom trying to stand up but he couldn’t, he later laid back down to wait for my sister to come help. My mum said he seemed unresponsive for a few seconds when she called his name and then he eventually got up with their help and went back to bed stating he was fine, he said he scraped the side of his torso. My sister called an ambulance and the lady was asking a bunch of questions and then eventually my dad told her he didn’t need them and he was fine.

I just feel so sad seeing him deteriorate, and his constant refusal to seek help. I know I can’t do anything but it just sucks having to watch him suffer to death. I also feel so bad for my mum having to see him and thinking he was about to die while she held him. I just can’t sleep tonight I don’t know what to do.

My husband, a very successful, high functioning alcoholic, had elevated liver enzymes spring 2019 (In the hundreds). In December 2024, his liver enzymes were still elevated, but better. (Levels in the 90s).
The problem is he has drank every single day since the high enzymes in 2019. He drinks 8 IPAs or red wine. I have begged him to get help. I have reached out to his family and friends. I found him a PCP and called the office to explain my concerns. The pcp ordered trazodone and buspar but no labs. In fact, no labs have ever been drawn in MyChart. Previous labs were from an urgent care and his old pcp not on Epic in 2019. Anyways, last week I smelled ammonia on his breath. The last several nights he has not been sleeping well. He has lost 25-30lbs this last year. His gums and nose bleed easily and I know he bleeds when he wipes. Urine is very dark. His skin color is slowly changing. What I’m noticing, no one else seems to see. His skin color is more gray and has very scant yellowing plus easy bruising. When I reached out to his best friend earlier this year, his best friend told me he had a dream the week prior- the dream was about my husband dying. It was surreal to the point he woke his wife. My husband also made a comment recently about himself dying which hasn’t happened in the 11 years we’ve been together. Oh I’m just so beyond worried and I feel like a broken record. My brother died at 32 from addiction. My husband’s father had esophageal varices burst and liver transplant 6 years before his death.
Not sure what else I can do. I feel sad and scared for our three young children. I have taken weeks/ months off of alcohol myself random times during the year thinking that might help. Any advice?

Hi, I am new here and honestly not sure exactly if this is the right place to post this.

I was with the same guy off and on since I was about 18. When we originally got together, he treated me absolutely amazing and was kind and loyal and so loving. In the end we broke up because we were young and despite loving each other weren’t ready to settle down. During that time, he was drinking, but it wasn’t heavily and I didn’t really consider it anything more than just like a college party boy phase.

We eventually got back together, and for the first year and a half everything was amazing. I noticed he was still drinking regularly but he wasn’t drinking heavily or getting drunk around me. We went out to an event and he got incredibly drunk and ended up hitting me. I found out later from his sister that right around this time or shortly after, he started also getting drunk and hitting her as well. I forgave him with the condition he cuts back on drinking and doesn’t get drunk around me again, which lasted about a year before he did it again. Again he promised he was done with the drinking and started going to therapy so I agreed to stay.

The final straw was a few weeks ago when I found that he’d lied about going out of town to help take care of his sick grandmother. I learned he’d actually been cheating on me for months if not a year. I went to confront him, only to find him drunk and with a third girl he’s been cheating on me with. He proceeded to attack me, his sister, and that girl that night. I haven’t talked to him since. But his sister has told me he’s genuinely devastated by what happened and wants to make things right with me and plans to stop drinking and wants to go to therapy.

I tried reaching out to see if we could talk but he is avoiding me. And then a few days ago I learned despite everything he is still drinking. I am absolutely devastated. I ended up blocking him on everything. Part of me still loves him and wants to believe that the person I fell in love with is still there and will come back if he gets help.

Am I just being delusional because of how fresh it is? Is the man I originally fell in love with really gone forever? Did the alcohol change is personality, because he even cheated sober, or was he just a bad person the whole time and I never noticed?;

I’m only 27. He’s much older than me. He’s 42 and he has been an alcoholic since long before I met him. I never encountered alcoholics in my life other than my father who left when I was 6. So the little memories I had of loving an alcoholic were full of youthful adoration.

The past 3 years with him ruined my life. I lost friends, I became detached from my family, and I sold all my priced possessions to make up for the days he would be too drunk to pay a bill. The fights, the yelling, the crying, the moments when I wanted to jump off the ledge because I felt so alone in handling everything.

But they were also the most beautiful: the trips abroad, the beautiful hotels, houses, the beautiful family we built with our beautiful daughter. I would do it all again if it meant I get to keep my daughter. Even just to myself. I don’t care about anything or anyone else.

10 months ago he started working on being sober. The past 10 months have been the most beautiful growth I’ve seen in both him and me. Our family felt like a real family.

Until he stopped counting. And then he stopped talking about being sober. And then I start seeing signs of drinking. But never a drunk man until last night.

I didn’t confront him. I was too tired. I sent him this message instead:

“I genuinely hope you figure out what you want to do and how you want to do it.

You know that this home and this family would not survive without you, so there’s no question about where Mattie and I will be. This is where we’re supposed to be.

But you and I both know that she cannot grow up with alcoholism and disorder around her.

I will keep taking care of her, and I will keep holding it down here at home. But I also know that I cannot face this again. So I’m going to let you figure out what you need to do.

I cannot have a broken heart while still being a good mother. It’s just not possible.”

He responded bitterly. Saying he wanted to spend time with me and that’s why he took the time off work. He said he was feeling cooped up and lonely. He said when I felt the same, he made sure to take me out and make me happy. He said that he wishes the same care would be extended to him.

And from those words came a real anger inside me. He had the nerve to make me feel guilty for his drinking. The nerve to make me feel guilty over ever being sad. The nerve to tell me I do not extend the same care to him because I do not want to be around him when he’s drunk.

I turned my phone off and went to sleep.

So today, the morning after I find myself lost. A few comments from here told me this isn’t an emergency and as long as I am safe, I don’t have to think about the rest of my life now. This helped me get through the night.

But now I do not know how to get through the day, and the tomorrow, and the week after. Please help me, what’s next?

I've been together with my wife for over 20 years, married 17. We have 1 teenager. Three months ago she had a mental breakdown and started drinking again. She was in ER three times and now in 3rd rehab.

I haven't spoken to her in over a week and do not miss her. It's been hard being a single parent but not having her in the house has been great because daily life has been calm and predictable.

I'm in a state that requires spousal support and I'm on a hook for all her medical bills. She also has over 100k in student loans that were postponed for a year. The only way out of this situation that I see is divorce at this point. I've been postponing thinking about it but it's been on my mind a lot lately.

He told me that I didnt have it in me. And that he needed a crazy bitch. I felt so inadequate and lacking after hearing this.

Having the addict back at home is making remember why I struggled with self harm as a child. If sickness and being bad is what gets rewarded, it was how hoped I would be loved.

My younger sister has Asperger’s. My older sister is an addict. They both get tons of attention for bad behavior. The standards for their behavior is so much lower.

I have to do everything perfectly. Sober. Two degrees. Perfect grades. Job. Marriage. Religion.

While my Q drives home drunk and buys bags of coke.

Q moved back after awhile time away.
I have noticed both my parents will tear me down in order to gain my Q’s trust.

If we are having family discussions, I will be shushed so Q can monopolize the conversation.

My parents will arbitrarily take the side of my Q in any quarrel. My Dad will gain up on me and blame me.

My mom recently aggressively told me to “sit the f*ck down” at the movies with my sisters.

It’s like they are performatively rude to me so Q will trust them.

They can depend on me not to rebel or use drugs and alcohol. They can depend on me to be “the good daughter”. So, I’m used as a sacrificial lamb.

When Q sees the dynamic she titters.

She can get drunk everyday of the week and be esteemed. But,I get screamed at if the toiletries are in the wrong place.

What should I do?

Hi, I just want to apologize in advance if I make any language or grammar mistakes. English is not my first language.

I’m a 26-year-old woman (f26), and my mother has been an alcoholic for at least 16 years.
Right now, I’m completely at my wits’ end, and I honestly don’t know what else I can do or say to get through to her.

I’ll briefly explain some of her history so you understand where my frustration and fear are coming from:
2020: She had her first epileptic seizure, which resulted in a hospital admission.
2024: She was admitted to the emergency department and was diagnosed with liver failure and jaundice.
2025: She was hospitalized again because of a severely swollen and bloated abdomen.

Every time she was hospitalized, she managed to stop drinking and get sober for a while. But after a few months, she would always end up reaching for a bottle of wine or port again.

Now, coming to the present: over the past while, I’ve noticed that she has started drinking again. And this time, I’m noticing some really worrying symptoms.

I’ll list a few of them:
Bleeding and inflamed lips
She can no longer control her bladder
She has stopped taking care of herself properly
She is extremely depressed
She has become very forgetful
She has already had several serious falls

I’m so scared for her safety, and I’m not ready to bury my mother.
But I keep wondering: Is there anything else I can do for her? Or do I need to start preparing myself for the possibility that this might be the end?

P.S. If anyone reading this has been through something similar, you deserve all the love in the world. ❤️