r/AlAnon

I've been thinking about this lately and I'm curious to know how many of us still drink.

I drank in my 20's and early 30's with my Q, I never had a problem with alcohol and I just tapered off after having children. Kind of a been there done that and I really didn't feel the need to drink at all. My Q continued to drink and of course it progressively got worse due to him being an alcoholic and trauma he experienced when he was young. Once I divorced my Q, I felt it especially important that my children not see me drink or have alcohol in the house. This was easy for me as I quite even the occasional drink years before. I didn't ever want them to feel scared or unsafe after seeing their father drunk.

Just curious to know how others relationship with alcohol is during/after a friend or family members addiction.

My husband has been sober for 6 months now. He’s in therapy, working a program and doing well for the most part. We’re working through the hurt, and distrust in our marriage.
Since he’s been sober, he has a new ugly trait of being hangry. It sounds silly, when I think of hangry I think of little grumpy kids. This is not that. He is an absolute asshole, rude to me, to the kids, to anyone in his path.
If we are out and I notice it starting, I’ll offer him a granola bar or other snack I tend to keep in my bag. He gets annoyed and pissy, because it’s not what he wants or whatever.
I know recovery causes some new behaviors, coping mechanisms, replacement behaviors, soothing behaviors. I know it can also uncover some traits hidden by the alcohol. I was not expecting this one.
It gives me the biggest ick… you’re an adult. Fucking eat. Regulate yourself. Plan ahead.
Anyway. Just ranting.
I plan on talking to him about this tonight very seriously and calmly… after dinner of course.

My bf is in the hospital right now after an incident and this isnt the first time. Weve been dealing with his alcoholism for years and years now and initially his family said they'd prefer I wait to see him so I did. At first I was skeptical and was going to refuse and go regardless but they said he needed tough love, and to be honest with you if I was there I may have convinced myself to try and find a way to get him out of the mess he put himself in.. again..

I went to go see him for a little while and he was so incredibly angry with me, saying this was all my fault and that I dont care, that I hate him. It hurts too much to see him like this. The nurse noticed him getting riled up and told us to calm down, but I was trying to be as gentle and kind as possible. He clearly isn't even himself. I don't even think he was registering what I was saying properly. I didn't stay for long. I did not want to make him more upset and make things difficult for the nurses, and I felt like I was about to have a traumatic response.

I've spent so many nights with him drunkenly rambling or falling asleep by my side, so many scares in which I thought he would overdo it.

Is he right? Am I a bad person..? Am I terrible for listening to his family and waiting to see him until a few hours after he got checked in? Am I terrible for advocating for him to get treatment?

This is all far far too much and I am so so tired. I love him with all of my heart. But it hurts. This hurts.

I just need to vent. He’s been sober for a couple months after a dui and other charges. And he starts to drink today. Not a lot, but still.

He had to go to a course and I was so mad because the “teacher” teaches these people how alcohol works and how it stays/leaves their system etc etc… and I thought to myself: how stupid of this course to be saying all this to potential addicts.

And that’s exactly what he’s doing. Proving to himself he can manage alcohol based on what this person said now that “he’s more educated”.

I had this dark gut feeling today and it’s been building for the last couple weeks. I just knew it. They think we are stupid.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I’m just so fed up.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We used to both drink heavily but I became aware of problems it was causing between us so I slowed down my own drinking in order to become in control of my behavior. I now feel good about where I'm at, I usually have maybe 1 drink a week. I don't like the feeling of being drunk any more, I feel like he has kind of ruined the alcohol experience for me. A blessing in disguise I suppose.

Issues that he used to have, that have made me talk to him about needing to address his drinking, that have now gone away:

1. He used to get really mean when he was drunk. I would do something that set him off and he would get angry and say the most horrible things to me. He would always regret it the next day and apologize profusely, and always treated me with complete respect when sober (and would get very upset with people around him that were mean to their partners). A big reason I got "sober" myself was to be able to control my emotional response to his "mean"-ness. There was a rock bottom point of this behavior and since then he has been very kind to me no matter how drunk he gets.
2. He used to wet the bed while sleeping. Once again he would be very embarrassed, but also confused because "I used to be able to drink way more than this and be fine". It has now been a significant stretch of time since he has drank enough to do so, and I've actually been surprised since there were a few nights where I thought for sure it would happen again.
3. He used to drive while drunk. After a few really close calls with police (and hefty legal fees to get out of it) he calls taxis most of the time now (though I would like if his threshold for doing so was a little lower than it is now).

Now he's at a point where he doesn't really drink during the week (or when he does, it's not enough to have any noticeable outward change in behavior) but on the weekends, he still gets drunk. Much less drunk than he used to. And none of the above things happen. I used to say "I don't even care about the drinking, it's just the unkind words/piss/driving." But even though those issues are gone, I just feel so grossed out around him when he's even a little bit intoxicated. To the point that I even hate when he's stoned which is super infrequent and has never caused any issues. Just seeing him with a drink in his hand makes my stomach turn.

I want to support him because it seems like he's on a path toward getting a handle on it, but I've got this new complete aversion to his drunkenness and don't know how to handle it. Even though we live together we really don't spend much time together outside of the weekends because of our schedules, but then I spend most of the weekend doing a ton of emotional work around detachment (doing my best not to monitor his consumption or manipulate the situation to try to make him drink less, etc). It's great opportunity for practice but so, so hard. Just wondering if others have been in this boat and what they may have done to deal. I'm still pretty new to the concept of detachment and especially would love any insight from that framework.

tl;dr I had specific issues with certain aspects of my boyfriend's drinking. Those issues have since been addressed, but now I have a new problem of just hating being around him when he's drunk, with seemingly "no reason" to feel this way since none of the bad stuff happens any more. To the point even seeing him holding a drink makes my stomach turn. I've done a ton of work on detachment, and have made great leaps with not trying to control his behavior. But I still feel a lot of feelings when he drinks. Just wondering if anyone has insight or has been through something similar and can offer advice.

My dad relapsed several times over the past year and is not doing anything to get help. My wife and I are trying to conceive, and I want him to understand that continuing this path will prevent him from seeing his grandchild. I want my dad in my child’s life, so I feel guilty for even feeling this way.. but no one protected me, so I feel deeply protective of my future child.

I’m not sure how and when to bring this up without sounding like an ultimatum, yet my boundary is firm. My mom suggests waiting to tell him because it might further send him into a spiral, but I believe he needs all the time he can get to figure it out and get support.

I plan to attend Al anon meetings myself to untangle this codependency / guilt on a deeper level. But with this I’m looking for support on how to approach this conversation.

Friends. i relapsed as a recovering codependent.

The situation: I have former coworker that got my number when we worked together because we all had to communicate in our Healthcare job. We are all professionals in hospital settings.

This person faded away from work, but we remain friendly.

Basically, she contacts me when she’s on something and I’ve been indulging this… I’ve been trying to be a positive force in her life and encourage her to check into AA, NA, rehab, call / text 988 or call 911 or go to the ER.

Here is what I get: she wants to have phone sex with me. She wants to talk about how other Men abused her. She wants me to buy her cigarettes and come to her house.

She’s a complete wreck that sounds on pills or alcohol… she is so random.

I admit that I “fell for it” and stayed on the phone talking too long.

She always tricks me first by talking shop about work then i spend my time trying to stop the phone sex talk & remind her I am in a relationship.

As you know. You can NOT reason with these people. They will just ramble all their insane BS, cross every boundary, abuse you while guilt tripping you.

Well, today, as soon as the talk got inappropriate, I shut her down then she starts fake crying and saying that “men abused her” basically trying ti manipulate me into being her rescuer and guilt me for not wanting to talk about sex on the phone or in person.

I have known this individual for 14 months and she does not work where I am but we know a lot of the same people in the business we are in.

Today, I hung up. Took a deep breath. Read my 12 steps again. Blocked her number. I can not let this insane poison affect my relationship or my work!

You cannot reason with these people!

My husdand and I had some back and forth text this weekend as he initatiated the conversation with " It seems like our relationship is over. We don't seem to have a desire to talk to each other. It seems the status quo is as good as its going to get. I guess I need to get the last bit of my stuff out of the house and go from there."  I responded with, "Ok. I just sent you an email that I've been holding on to. Let me know when you plan to stop by to get the remainder of your belongings." I guess he was taken aback, because he then texted "Wow, there's truly nothing left. " My email was pretty lengthy as I explained the personal changes (that are beneficial to our marriage) I've made over the past 14 months apart.  I reiterated that he has been unwilling to stop drinking or even seek help (the reason why I left).  We've also been unable to reach an agreement on child support.  Because of this,  I've since reapplied for child support and decided to let go.  He texted me back with this: You don’t love me 100%, and the only conversations you seem to desire from me are about liquor and support. With that being said, I honestly don’t see where there is an “us” in this relationship. My question has always been the same: When are we going to start working together as a team? A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, where both people show up, put in effort, and work toward the same goals. But your actions have shown me that you don’t desire a partner; you seem more comfortable doing things on your own without me. Although, I'm not in you and the kids lives everyday I contribute to the household; I've saved on home insurance, told you how to save for energy, and car insurance. It doesn't seem to be appreciated, only what more can you do for us. It seems to me that, I'm the only needing to change and make an effort. 

I want to work as a team, but his definition seems double sided to me. What are your thoughts?

I have been dating with someone (28M) for 3 months now. I knew he loved drinking and few times I saw him blackout drunk but it was with me and i didnt think much of it. I also struggle myself with alcohol and since I started dating him I went changes in my life which i am really happy about it. We didnt talk over it but I felt it would be a problem in future.
Couple weeks ago they went on a boys trip, i know the boys and they all have relationships over couple years. They have been drinking for 10 days straight, he had updated me most days. However 2-3 nights, he didnt say anything until 5 am. He said he was black out drunk. Yesterday it happened again. He said he went to a club alone and met people and had many shots and was drunk - his friends wasnt with him. I feel really confused and lost. Its not i dont trust him but i dont trust drunk people. Like blackout drunk people. When i try to explain this he says this is my life style and i like it, saying that “i am trying to put rules into his life”. I am so lost, i really love him and i want to be with him but I feel like I am being insecure or so. Considering dating 2-3 months, i feel like this is too much for me but I also feel like I am wrong. I dont want to waste my time but I dont want to be overreacting either. I dont know. Could you please give me some perspective? Thank u very much. We are also from different nationalities but its not like culturally super different. Besides then when is he is unconsciously drunk, he is really caring and the best boyfriend when sober. I also want to help him with problems but i doubt if alcoholic abuse ever gets better, talking from experience.

Finally starting to feel relief.

I had to go no contact back in July. Through July he reached out over and over, finally stopped when he realized he couldn’t get through my boundary. He never apologized in any of those attempts. He never expressed a desire to talk it out. He only said things that were demanding I break my silence or chaotic to get my sympathy. Even said his cat died as his last desperate attempt, which I kind of doubt?

Anyways, it was hard. Missing him seemed harder. I was still checking in on his socials, which was just prolonging everything. I finally blocked his socials a few weeks ago and have remained free from checking. This has been good for me. There have been days I don’t think of him now. I did drive past his house by accident yesterday (thanks gps/quickest route 🥴) but even then, sure I looked over and saw his car, but I still came home and had a day where I mostly didn’t think about him. So this method of removing the checking seems to be working. I also deleted his pictures I had saved, so now the sharpness of the memory is fading a bit.

Unfortunately I don’t believe he will get sober. I HOPE he can, but I know the likelihood is very low. When I hear other success stories and the depths they were in, sometimes I think it might be possible. Anyways, that’s not for me to determine. I just wanted to share it’s feeling a little better. I will still likely be at risk of running into him indefinitely due to where he works and I have no idea of what will happen if I do, but I won’t give that space in my mind for now.

I also stopped drinking entirely, even though I only had 1 or 2 a week or every other week. This has helped a lot too. It’s been over 40 days, I’ve stopped counting, I know I don’t want it anymore. Ordered my first mocktail at a bar with my friends and it was all fine. Even talked with one who doesn’t drink either and we realized the little drinking we did was just to lighten overstimulation in social environments. That was good to hear someone else realize too. She’s been a positive person with not drinking, very thankful for her. I’d like to meet more people who don’t drink in the future ❤️‍🩹

My (27) best friend (28) since I was 10 spiraled into alcoholism about two years ago, give or take.
Before that, she drank but as far as I know, it was weekends here or there. Maybe she was good at hiding it or maybe she spiraled in alcoholism that quickly due to a chain of awful events that I won’t get into..

Anyways when I confronted her with the reality that she is an alcoholic a little over a year ago ( it took me a bit to really realize and accept ) I got her into rehab.
She did the program, got out, relapse with two weeks.
This started the saga of going to rehabs for 1 week only to leave.. I begged her to stop, I tried “tough love”, I offered her to live with me and I’d keep her on track, her family did all the same things.. her kids cried and begged her to stop, CPS got involved.
She didn’t quit.

About 3 weeks ago, she was admitted into the hospital. Her liver was 7X bigger and her other organs started to fail.
At 28 years old, she passed away.

I am so heartbroken because she was my only friend who I kept my whole life. She was such an amazing person when she was sober. I love her, truly.
She was young, and has two beautiful babies.
I’m also so fucking mad. I told her this EXACT thing would happen. She had every resource at her fingertips. She knew she was hurting everyone around her.

Addiction fucking sucks.

Hi. Im new to this platform. Im looking for any help, advice and guidance. My husband got his 2nd DUI in less than 10 years. Im panicking because I cannot make all of our ends meet with just my income. I do not know what to expect with a 2nd DUI. I have so many things going thru my mind that Im sick to my stomach. Im angry he put us in this situation again. Im scared for the future. A part of me wants to leave him, but my guilt is getting the best of me. Ive worked so hard in my life and career and should not be in this situation. I do not have anyone to confide in and I dont know what to do. Any help is appreciated.

Hey everybody!

I F(21) know this isn't a doctor forum or anything, but I just wanted to share this experience since it stressed me the fuck out lol. My mom F(49) is an alcoholic. She's 5'2, 120 lbs and drinks 1/2 pint-1 pint of vodka per day. She's been doing this almost everyday for the past 10 years or so. She and I bought tickets to this concert she likes, and she had already been drinking throughout the day. To the point where I had to put on her makeup while she almost fell asleep on the toilet. When we got there, she immediately wanted to sit next to these police officers on the grass. Clearly intoxicated, she started bugging them by touching their shoulders, tapping on them, making conversation, etc. Afterwards, she was barely walking over to the stage and a security guard asked if she was ok, a worker behind the bar refused to serve her alcohol, and another security guard remarked that I was her babysitter for the night. She ended talking to these fraternity guys and was trying to get me to come over (she's always trying to set me up with someone). I knew already that she was trying to embarrass me, so I left to go look at vinyl at a vendors tent. I get a call from her 2 minutes later of her saying "YOU GOTTA GET OVER HERE, I'M STAYING TILL THE END SONG WHOOOOO". I ignored it and kept looking. 8 minutes after that, I get another call of her slurring. After carefully listening, I comprehend that she had a medical emergency and is now in the medical tent. I rush over there and I hear her being combative with the EMTs on taking her blood pressure. I ask one of the EMTs and they stated that one of the fraternity guys walked to the medical tent stating she had a seizure. She had the drink in her hand still, and was as cognitive as she could be (still drunk of course). She had sudden profuse bleeding from her vaginal area that lasted only 2 minutes and immediately stopped. The EMTs told me that they didn't think she had a seizure, and that her blood pressure was 178/112. About 20 minutes after that, they told me I'll have to walk her across the venue to a security gate for my father to pick us up. We had to walk for a while before having a security guard guide us. She didn't want to go to the ER, so my dad dropped us back at the hotel we're staying at. She's still bought alcohol this morning, but is telling me that she'll stop tomorrow. She apparently looked up her symptoms online and already knows what she has, so there's no point in going to the doctor. I honestly don't know what is going on. I'm worried that liver failure is on the way, and that the bleeding is caused from that. She even tried to blame me on not being there when it happened. On the car ride home, she started talking about how she did nothing wrong, and how it's not her fault. She said that the flashing lights did get to her though. Her eyes are a tad bit yellow, and I can her body shape is retaining visceral belly fat. She's had two withdrawal seizures before and still won't stop.

I know one of the 3 Cs is not being able to control his drinking (or sobriety). I just can’t help but think.. could the resentment he senses from me make his sobriety more difficult or even push him to relapse?

Since he has committed to sobriety a few weeks ago and things aren’t as chaotic as they used to be, I’ve been better able to focus on myself and my own recovery. Part of that has led to me uncovering a lot of resentment that has accumulated over the years from all the lies, gaslighting, manipulation I’ve experienced. I try explaining that to him to help him better understand why I can’t be “normal” everyday and that some days are just more difficult than others. Ive been trying to work through some of these feelings through Alanon and therapy. I do worry though that my resentment is fueling his shame and potentially making him more likely to relapse. He tells me how hopeless he feels because he’s doing “everything” (i.e., seeing a therapist once every 2-3 weeks) and still I’m not where he’d hope I’d be. He says he’s giving up on the relationship.

As I type this, I’m seeing how I’m trying to manage his feelings. But if my resentment is getting in the way of his recovery, I’d want to move out of the way as we focus on ourselves separately.

I can’t believe how blind I’ve been to the whole thing. I 20m, have been used to my father drinking, it felt normal for so long, just another thing.

As I got older, I’ve known he’s had an issue with it, he’s not mean or anything, doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s my best friend, really.
He’s tried, he’s really tried at some points with trying to quit/slow down, and to me that was all that mattered, was that he was just trying, he was trying to make the effort.

For the longest time he and my moms relationship was all I wanted, but today I really just felt like I got hit in the face with what was going on behind the scenes with it between my mom and my dad.

Yesterday, I think something shifted. We live with my grandmother, and it puts a lot of stress on the whole family, and it’s made my dad drink more.

He’s not mean when he drinks, he’s never hurt any of us.

I don’t know why I asked, but I did, I asked my mom if they had talked, about yesterday. My mom hadn’t slept well at all, she was cranky and I think my dad took that as her being upset with him.

She said she wasn’t upset with him, that she was just tired, and it evolved into her saying how tired she is of the drinking, and with the recent medicine he’s got on, how she wished that every time he took a drink it’d made him puke. But it hadn’t.

She talked about a lot of things… how she didn’t marry an alcoholic, how she never wanted that for her kids cause she’s dealt with it her whole life. She talked about how he didn’t start that way but she was unsure of where it changed… how she felt like she felt she wasn’t enough to quit for.

She said some things that really made my stomach twist, and I saw her cry. I can’t stand my mom crying.

The whole talk, I just listened cause I knew that’s all I could do. I feel awful cause she admitted he’s her best friend and she feels like she doesn’t have any other friends.

It really made me think and I admit once it was done, I went downstairs to look at the beer in the fridge. I thought about all the ways I could just ruin it, maybe twist the caps off, heat up a needle and poke holes small enough in the can he wouldn’t notice but enough that it’d go flat.

I love my dad, but I admit now I’m scared, scared of what will happen with him and my mom if he keeps drinking. I wanna help so bad but I don’t know how.

Hello. I'm feeling lots of mixed emotions over ending the relationship with my partner of 7 years and have two kids with. He's been an alcoholic for our whole relationship and I've tried so so hard to get him to stop. I eventually accepted that I couldn't do anything to change him, and that I was willing to be in a relationship with him even with the addiction. He went to rehab, tried support groups but each time he lost faith in them (he has trust issues and can never keep friends/jobs/commitments going for long).

What started tipping it for me is that over the past year (since our second child was born), he's got increasingly irritable and also very needy for attention. I haven't had much extra energy to support him with the complex mental health stuff he's going through as have needed to spend my time either looking after the kids, working, or cleaning. He honestly just spends his whole day on his Xbox or YouTube whilst ranting non stop (barely a break in sentences) about all the stuff he's mad about or why other people are pathetic.

He used to be so caring and it's scary seeing him become this hateful person. I then would try to listen to his struggles but at the same time it got to a point every day where I had to ask him to stop as I wasn't even able to have a moment quiet to read the kids a bedtime story. He used to be so caring and selfless so this is confusing for me.

He's never physically lashed out before. A month ago, he suddenly out of nowhere started saying that I wanted to hurt him and that I had hidden some of his possessions (I honestly hadn't and wouldn't even dream of ever hiding someone else's stuff). He then physically attacked me, punching, throwing me, pinning me down. A neighbour called the police but my partner immediately burst into tears saying that I had abused him and hit him. This meant I got arrested for a night and was released on bail with a no contact order for a month. He had the kids for a few days but social services quickly placed them in my care when I told them the whole story of what had happened and his history.

The bail gets signed off tomorrow morning, and so does the no contact order. I've felt so at peace the last month without his chaos in my life. At the same time I feel like I need to get in touch and try to talk to the beautiful man and father that I know he can be. Where did he go? It's so sad to see him decay like this. What he did is inexcusable though and I can't raise kids around that. I want them to have a dad, but I can't risk him traumatising them. I want him to see them but at the same time, at what cost?

Sorry for long post. I could really use some reassurance or recommendations of how much I should involve him in mine and the kids lives. Feels like my worlds been turned upside down. I didn't think I would ever leave him.

Just another vent

3 years sober, decides to mix with drugs in and has a panic attack. When trust financesand life starts building it falls back down. I'm in that numb 4am place where sadness rage and frustration keep taking their turns slapping me in the face and all I can do is stare with wide bloodshot eyes at the wall and bitch about life on reddit.

Sorry if this is long but I don't know where else to turn to.

Alcohol has put a massive strain on the relationship between my boyfriend and I. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. When he's sober, he's kind and caring and funny. When he drinks, which is a six pack of IPAs every night and sometimes a tall boy on top of that, he becomes increasingly paranoid, confused, quick to anger, and impulsive with words and actions.

Drinking on the job caused him to lose his job 3 years ago. He doesn't drink at work anymore, but no matter what it is we're going to go do, if it's after 3pm he needs to bring a beer and conceal it if it's in a public place. We're talking opaque waterbottles filled with beer being smuggled into the roller skating rink, in a public mall, parties, outdoors, basically anywhere.

He has 2 DUIs under his belt, 1 from 2016 and 1 from 3 years ago, and only recently was I able to get him to stop drinking while in the passenger's seat when I'm driving!! I fear that he is still drinking and driving when I am not in the car, and has hidden his drinking from me before so I have no real way of knowing.

He was abused as a child and that trauma gets resurrected whenever conflict happens while drunk. When sober, we have normal-ass disagreements that never get nasty; no name-calling or mocking or sarcasm, nothing like that. However, when he is drunk he gets verbally and emotionally abusive, employing classic DARVO tactics, and it's driving me crazy. Over the years I have tried to tell him he needed to change or i'm out, helped him find therapists only for him to stop attending, tried to support him while still being with him. All the while being subjected to his drunk outbursts while waiting for him to make a change. But everyone has a breaking point and I finally reached mine.

During the most recent fight, he was so upset that I cancelled our plans due to schedule conflicts, that he lied to me about BEING ARRESTED to make me feel guilty!!! I was visiting my parents' house for the weekend, and after a heated phone call where he hung up on me, he texted me telling me that I was making him so upset that he was making a scene in the neighborhood and the cops were coming to get him, later saying he was in the back of a cop car being brought in and that it was my fault for riling him up enough to get arrested. He admitted the lie over text the morning after the fight, right before I was about to start calling around to different precincts in the area to see where he was being held and if he was okay. He did this knowing full well how traumatized I was by his DUI arrest 3 years ago.

I told him over text that it was the last straw, I will not be with him anymore and that he needed to enroll in a program, stay sober for at least 30 days and THEN I would consider coming back. After all, he has never tried to pull shit like this when sober; the alcohol is ruining everything. The beer has robbed me of the person I love and it's breaking my heart. So, he has to choose: me or the alcohol.

He's trying to guilt trip me saying that cutting out an addict doesn't help them quit, it makes them worse, but what choice do I have left??? I can't handle the drunk version of him and I refuse to be collateral damage during his quest to sobriety. But the question I have is, do ultimatums work??? For a case as severe as his?? Is there any hope whatsoever?

Need outside opinions as I haven’t talked to anyone about this in real life. My husband and I got married almost a year ago and he’s always had a drinking problem. He’s gone back and forth over the 6 years we’ve been together saying yes he’s an alcoholic, no he’s not an alcoholic. We’ve had issues of him hiding and sneaking buzz balls, him getting black out drunk when I leave town, and making a fool of himself in public. The biggest betrayal yet is unfortunately linked to our wedding day, which devastates me. The night before our wedding he wanted to hang out with his friends after our welcome party. I was invited but getting married the next day so obvs wanted to get my beauty sleep and rest, so said no. We live across the country from his friends and that was the only night that he had to hang out with them, and k really didn’t mind but asked him to be home by 11. 11 rolls around and there’s no mention of him coming home from his texts (I guess I should’ve demanded he come home lol), so I start getting paranoid but told myself to trust him and go to sleep. I finally fell asleep but woke up at 1:30am with no word from him and of course him not next to me in bed. I called him several times but it was obvious his phone was dead, so I called his brother and asked wtf was going on and he said they were on their way home. Finally got home at 2 and my husband can’t even walk up the stairs without falling and has a frickin bump on his forehead. I was absolutely buzzing with anxiety and anger and this point but he couldn’t even say one sentence or understand what was going on. He even fell asleep slumped over on the toilet. Ugliest thing I’ve ever seen from him tbh and it’s horrible to think that about your spouse that way. I so badly wanted to call things off then and there but the guilt of my entire family traveling to see us caused me not to honestly.

Since our wedding almost a year ago we’ve talked about it several times and he always apologizes, but I feel so resentful and disrespected from that situation. He drank an entire handle of vodka on our honeymoon and drinks usually 4/5 beers 4-5 nights a week. He truly doesn’t seem to understand the problem with that. He says he’ll give up drinking for a month and evaluate then and maybe switch to light beers. I asked him today if he’d want to do marriage counseling to hear things from an unbiased person, but he said “not for me.” Sigh. I feel exhausted and have finally opened up to my parents about his drinking (to a point - no one knows about our wedding). I didn’t want to involve them but I needed the support. I’ve thought about going to therapy just by myself but what is the point if he doesn’t seem to understand?

I want to add that I of course love him very much, but it’s so draining having dealt with this for 6 years now. He’s not a mean drunk, just clumsy, sloppy, and forgetful. We are grown adults now and I want kids, but this entire experience and frustration I feel is making me question if I even want to have a kid with him now.

Hello, would appreciate any help navigating this new territory for me. Would be easy to go overboard with the story, but I'll try to keep it high-level.

TL;DR: I disposed of my alcoholic Grandma's booze but hid some of the nice stuff away with her local priest. Now she's asking where it is and is upset I got rid of it. I'm afraid of the ramifications of the decision I made, for myself and her preist. What to do?

I made an emergency trip to help my Grandma ("Gma") in a medical crisis onset by alcoholism and multiple falls. Gma has a strong flair for the dramatic, and I experienced firsthand how her lived experience does not exactly line up with objective reality, either due to her exaggerating things, misremembering, or simply making things up. She's also very stubborn and can be downright rude and mean. That said she was very appreciative of my help and being there for her.

She was willing to admit at the time that drinking was an issue. After a lot of coaxing along with her geriatric care counselor, we told her I was going to dispose of the alcohol in the house and she reluctantly agreed to that plan.

Going thru her house I found mostly hard liquor that I dumped down the drain. I also found a nice looking very old bottle of rum, and maybe a bottle of wine or two that looked nice. I forget exactly what they were but I recall they seemed special.

It didn't seem safe to keep any alcohol in the house of any kind, even though I know she mainly/only drinks gin and vodka. I made the executive decision to box up the special looking bottles and gave them to her pastor for safekeeping (they're on good terms and he is aware of the situation).

After she returned home it became evident that she thought "disposing the alcohol" meant only the stuff she drinks on a regular basis. She has notice a few of the nice things are gone and is VERY upset with me, as some of those items were gifts or things she uses for recipes, etc.

At the time I thought "If she asks about them, I'll tell her where they are" but I've chocked, and just said "I'm sorry you feel violated that I got rid of the alcohol in the house". She doesn't believe she agreed to me disposing of everything. I honestly didn't even want her to specify what to dispose of, because of course I'm not in good conscious going to leave a bottle of bourbon or wine in the house.

Do I tell her about the box of nice alcohol with the priest? She would likely feel violated all over again, and blacklist me, which she's done for family members and friends in the past when they overstep boundaries with her.

I feel like I should have told her from the start, but now that I haven't it would be very detrimental to our relationship. I'm not sure if I made the right decision in the moment, but really not sure what else I should have done. Any thoughts would be appreciated.