u/Few_Vegetable_7499

Pretty much like the title says. My husband’s father had a stroke and was in the hospital for a night. I came home and found that my Q had several cuts all over his arm. When asked, he said he needs some kind of release without alcohol. It’s just so sad to see and makes the guilt of planning a separation even worse. I feel so trapped and hopeless. I know we’re not responsible for their actions but it’s so hard to watch someone become a shadow of themselves so quickly.

I’ve been going to meetings, reading literature and having outreach phone calls. I’ve known it was over for a while but would always find a way to talk myself out of it. About 4 weeks ago I learned that he crossed a line that I can’t forgive. After getting drunk and confessing he attempted to end his existence. It was a horrible nightmare. I’m done and ready to leave.

I’ve been diligent about saving, having my own income and getting myself into a more stable job over the past 6 months. But I don’t have support for the practical day-to-day things. My family lives in a different country. I had one best friend who is no longer in my life and all of my other relationships are surface level acquaintances. I spend most weekends alone which is totally fine but biting me right now.

In speaking with people from Al Anon, they have emphasized the need to have a plan and a person I can stay with if things escalate. Basically to not count on him leaving if asked and be prepared to stay somewhere for an extended period of time. Idk how the hell I’m supposed to do that with no close relationships and while I’ve saved etc, I’m in no position to pay two rents. He’s broke and in debt and only pays about 1/3rd of our rent and there’s almost a year left on the lease. I also don’t want to leave my cat in the care of an alcoholic who will be at his lowest when he hears my decision and if I have to leave bc he refuses to leave I want to be able to take her with me.

The lack of practical support/safe space in the event of an emergency is what’s having me put the brakes on. I’ve had 0 luck finding a sponsor. And it’s not like I can make new friends on the basis of “hey my partner is an alcoholic and I’m planning on leaving him and might need to crash on your couch.” Idk that seems like a lot for a new friendship?

I’ve decided to as my Q who is my husband to temporarily separate so I can clear my head/get away from the chaos while I figure out a more permanent exit strategy. However, he has no money or friends/family which makes me think he is unlikely to leave. I would leave if he could cover more of the rent but I know he can’t and I can’t afford two rent payments.

Any advice from people who have managed to physically separate would be helpful. I know that I shouldn’t anticipate his actions or try to control the chaos but I just want to be able to get him out of my space at this point rather than spend weeks arguing about it.

I know that’s obvious but I feel the need to say it as I’m going through the process of finding my way back to myself. When he’s not home, I’m at peace because I’m not scanning for anything or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I can breathe. It hurts so much to realize this and even more to write it out but I guess it’s true. This has become my reality now and it’s so incredibly sad.

Our first vacation together in a while and after a delayed train, 7 + hour journey in the extreme heat, once we finally get to our destination the first thing he asks me is “Would you be okay if I had a drink?” Sir what..???