I love who he is, 99% of the time.
I love my boyfriend so much, and the drinking has gotten better but I am tolerating less and less. I have been with him for 8 years, and I have known from the beginning that there was a certain tendency to drink a bit more than I’d like. But I thought hey, we’re still young, a lot of people do this. Plus, he has trauma and comes from a family of alcoholics so all in all, I thought, he’s turned out pretty well.
There have been some hard bumps in the road - things like losing his job or depression made him drink as a crutch, definitely doing so more regularly
But as things got better, the drinking became less often and it looked like it was under control.
However, either because I’m getting older or more aware, I’m tolerating it less and less. It feels like there is always a reason to drink, even though he doesn’t drink every day. Maybe a couple of beers on the weekend, but every now and then it just goes bad. There have been a handful of times over the last two years where it’s been real bad.
Like, had a bad day so binge drank and threw up on his shoes before coming home. Every single time this happens, he cries for hours about how sorry he is and how he hates that he takes it to the extreme.
I hold him, comfort him and tell him that he needs help. He says he will get some.
2 weeks ago he went out with his friends and they had too many shots and he got home late and threw up on his pants.
Crying, apologizing, wanting to get better.
Tonight, he goes out to dinner with his friends. Promises he’s not going to drink much, he has work in the morning and they’re just going out for some food. Says he’s in control.
Now, I don’t mind if he has a couple of beers or wine with his friends. Lord knows I went for dinner with my friend and had 2 glasses of wine.
The difference? Even though we left the house at the same time, I was back at home by 10:30pm ready to go to bed as we have to get up for work in the morning.
I even offered to pick him up as I was walking by near where they were.
It’s 1:30 now and he’s stopped replying. Last I received was a photo of him and his friends at a bar when I arrived home.
Part of me thinks I shouldn’t be angry, that it’s normal for him to want to have some food and drinks with his friends. These guys all have jobs and girlfriends too, this is normal.
But another part of me knows him, and specifically, the side of him that can’t stop once he starts drinking.
It’s so difficult because he can control it most of the time, we can have a beer at a football game or a wine with some friends and it doesn’t have to turn into bingeing. But especially when I’m not there, it’s like the sweet, caring, apologetic man I know disappears and the only-fueled-by-alcohol version of him takes over.
He’s not aggressive or mean, he just becomes self destructive. I’ve noticed as well that on those occasions is when the trauma he’s suffered floats to the surface and he just drinks more and then cries about it. It’s so heartbreaking but there’s nothing I can do to save him from himself.
I hate it. I know he will come home and apologize and it will start all over again.
I genuinely love him so much, and I truly feel for him and what he’s gone through and I can relate and understand some parts of his behaviour but this is just getting harder and harder by the day. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want someone else, I want the man I know he can so often be.