How do I support my alcoholic partner?
Hey!
First time on this sub, but seeking some advice on how to support my partner who has been struggling against alcoholism for years, and it’s still ongoing?
We’re both near 30, not living together, and been together about 1,5 years.
He has confided in me about some of his past struggles with alcohol (he is consuming much less now than in his past), but he led me to believe that he was managing around 2-3 beers on weekends, but no more. We were long distance so I had no way to know really. But I live in his city now.
I hadn’t been to his appartment in 9 months, but I knew he really struggled with some hoarding and serious cleaning issues. So a few weeks ago he finally admitted it was too much for him to handle, and allowed me to come over to help him.
We cleaned up the place, but during that I collected 450 large 0,5 liter beer cans for recycling (counted by the machine) and about another that many were too damaged for recycling + around 10ish wine bottles. He said he took out a whole lot of cans and bottles about 6 months ago.
So within 6-9 months he consumed about 900 large cans of beer, which makes out about 3-5 per day every day. I was shaken by the discovery and extremely worried for his wellbeing. I can handle the rest – the mental health, the hoarding, the financial challenges –but the amount of alcohol and the fact that he had lied to me really scared me, as I’ve seen so many families around me absolutely wrecked by alcoholism. I don’t judge him, I know alcoholism is *rough* and he’s dealing with a lot, but I am terrified for him and our potential future.
We have since very briefly spoken about how I felt finding out about his drinking (I started having pretty serious anxiety attacks afterwards, which he noticed and asked about). But the conversation was short and tough, as he is extremely sensitive and defensive of the topic. He admits that he is an addict, but he is also stubborn about trying to handle it on his own, and I am a bit scared to approach the topic again (just a peoplepleaser, not worried for my safety in the slightest). I will, though, somehow, sometime.
He has severe AuDHD, a history of depression and panic attacks, many health problems, and almost complete social isolation, living a few hours away from his family and friends. I know many of his health and mental health issues are strongly enhanced by alcohol, along with some financial challenges.
I have a psychology degree and have done some research, so I understand the theoretical side of how mental health and environment affects the situation, but I lack any and all personal lived experience with this kind of addiction.
I’m not a big drinker myself, and though I enjoy a glass of wine or two socially, I’d be more than willing to become completely sober myself to support him. But what else?
Aside from supporting his mental health and encouraging lifestyle changes (leading by example, ofc, and being kind) how can I help a man addicted but convinced he doesn’t need any help?
Is there even any hope?
I would not want to marry and start a family with someone who is actively such a heavy drinker and unwilling to take it seriously (both for emotional safety and also to not become a widow at 50 from a completely preventable cause). But I love this otherwise really wonderful man and don’t want to give up on him without a fight.
What do I do, reddit experts?
(Also please be kind, I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m trying to learn and be better, stronger, and more compassionate. Thank you 🩵 and English isn’t my first language so apologies for the many errors bound to hide in my text.)i