New here
Hi like the title says I’m new here. I just had a baby a few months ago and I need to go to a meeting but don’t want to take my little one so I figured I’d give it a try here for now.
My mom’s drinking is affecting her relationship with me as a new mom and with how much interaction I’m comfortable with her having with my baby and I just feel so sad about it. And really angry at her.
I’ve been angry at her for her drinking for decades. She’s mean. She says awful hurtful things. She’s selfish and self centered. She doesn’t seem to care at all that her drinking affects our whole family and other than a few instances in the past thirty odd years she refuses to acknowledge that she had a problem. She refuses to take accountability for anything. She won’t go to the doctor for a check up and hasn’t in at least a decade because she doesn’t want to tell them how much she drinks. She has off the charts anxiety which she won’t address for same reason. She lies all the time.
I know I can’t control her behavior. I know she’s not going to change. I know she’s not going to get sober. I’ve reduced interactions as much as I can because she is hostile and ignores boundaries and intentionally triangulates me with the rest of the family and tries to create stress and drama for her own amusement. I don’t want my child to grow up exposed to that.
Having a child has just brought all my feelings about her back up. I’ve found myself hoping that she passes away before my child is old enough to be affected by her drinking. And then I feel awful and guilty for thinking that.
I’ve done so much therapy and worked so hard to learn how to have healthy relationships and communication. I’ve fought for hard to have dignity and self respect and a healthy relationship with myself. All without the support of a mother. Without a relationship with my mother.
Thanks for listening.