u/clarityvision19

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

I’ve been in recovery from Codependency for the past two years. During these two years, I’ve been going to therapy and reading books related to healing and breaking out of codependent patterns. I think my nervous system has slowly started to heal, and I’ve noticed some significant changes, especially over the past six months to a year.

Some of the changes I’ve noticed:

-My sleeping pattern has become more stable.I used to have a very erratic sleeping pattern. I would stay awake until very late at night and end up waking up in the afternoon. Now, I actually look forward to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier.

-My relationship with food has changed. I’m no longer craving junk food or sweet things as much as I used to. My diet has become slightly healthier. I’ve recently started taking an interest in preparing my own meals, even though they’re very small efforts. Instead of always buying food from outside, I’m trying to prepare something for myself. I’m also trying to eat less meat and more vegetables.

-I’ve become more responsible with my finances. I started tracking my finances, which is something I never used to do. I never really knew how much money was coming in, how much was going out, or what I was spending my money on. For the past year, I’ve been tracking my finances every month. Now, I have a much clearer idea of where my money is going. I’m also more conscious about not spending money on unnecessary things.

-I’ve become more organized. I’ve tidied up my room and started keeping it clean and organised. It used to be so messy and disoriented. I fold my clothes after washing them instead of simply dumping them into the cupboard. I’m becoming more intentional about maintaining order in my surroundings.

-I’ve become more protective of my emotional energy. I’ve stopped entertaining toxic people. I no longer allow people to constantly trauma-dump on me or simply unload their negative emotions onto me. I’ve started setting very firm boundaries.

My overall mindset feels less chaotic. These changes might look very, very small to others. Like having a proper routine, keeping your room clean, folding your clothes, preparing your own meals, or tracking your finances might seem like completely normal habits. But these things were actually very foreign to me because I was caught in survival mode and living with such a chaotic mindset that everything around me felt messy. The way I organized things was disorganized. The way I kept things was clumsy and messy. Even my thoughts were very chaotic.

I finally feel like my life is slowly developing a sense of order and stability.

I still have a long way to go. What are some signs your nervous super is healing? Do share them and what you did to heal it.

I’ve been in recovery from Codependency for the past two years. During these two years, I’ve been going to therapy and reading books related to healing and breaking out of codependent patterns. I think my nervous system has slowly started to heal, and I’ve noticed some significant changes, especially over the past six months to a year.

Some of the changes I’ve noticed:

-My sleeping pattern has become more stable.I used to have a very erratic sleeping pattern. I would stay awake until very late at night and end up waking up in the afternoon. Now, I actually look forward to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier.

-My relationship with food has changed. I’m no longer craving junk food or sweet things as much as I used to. My diet has become slightly healthier. I’ve recently started taking an interest in preparing my own meals, even though they’re very small efforts. Instead of always buying food from outside, I’m trying to prepare something for myself. I’m also trying to eat less meat and more vegetables.

-I’ve become more responsible with my finances. I started tracking my finances, which is something I never used to do. I never really knew how much money was coming in, how much was going out, or what I was spending my money on. For the past year, I’ve been tracking my finances every month. Now, I have a much clearer idea of where my money is going. I’m also more conscious about not spending money on unnecessary things.

-I’ve become more organized. I’ve tidied up my room and started keeping it clean and organised. It used to be so messy and disoriented. I fold my clothes after washing them instead of simply dumping them into the cupboard. I’m becoming more intentional about maintaining order in my surroundings.

-I’ve become more protective of my emotional energy. I’ve stopped entertaining toxic people. I no longer allow people to constantly trauma-dump on me or simply unload their negative emotions onto me. I’ve started setting very firm boundaries.

My overall mindset feels less chaotic. These changes might look very, very small to others. Like having a proper routine, keeping your room clean, folding your clothes, preparing your own meals, or tracking your finances might seem like completely normal habits. But these things were actually very foreign to me because I was caught in survival mode and living with such a chaotic mindset that everything around me felt messy. The way I organized things was disorganized. The way I kept things was clumsy and messy. Even my thoughts were very chaotic.

I finally feel like my life is slowly developing a sense of order and stability.

I still have a long way to go. What are some signs your nervous super is healing? Do share them and what you did to heal it.

If you have a boyfriend who loves to play mind games, for example, whenever you’re out having a good time, he likes to bring up his ex or other girls. Or you’re out watching a movie, and he purposely keeps ogling at the actress. There’s nothing inherently wrong with looking at an actor or actress and appreciating their beauty. But when he does it in a way where he clearly wants you to react, wants you to feel a certain way about yourself, or constantly brings another girl into the conversation to triangulate, it feels very off.

You can see that he’s doing it purposely, and the only conclusion I can come to is that he’s feeling very insecure, even though I never made him feel that way. I think it’s his own internal insecurity being projected onto the relationship.

And when this keeps happening, even after you tell him to stop, he acts blur like, “Huh? I’m just kidding,” or, “Why are you reacting this way?”

I’ve finally realized that this is a sign of someone being very immature and childish. Every conversation starts to make me feel on guard, like, “Oh my God, is he going to say something or bring up another girl just to irritate me and spoil my mood?”

Have you ladies encountered guys like this? How do you handle it? What would you do?

If you have a boyfriend who loves to play mind games, for example, whenever you’re out having a good time, he likes to bring up his ex or other girls. Or you’re out watching a movie, and he purposely keeps ogling at the actress. There’s nothing inherently wrong with looking at an actor or actress and appreciating their beauty. But when he does it in a way where he clearly wants you to react, wants you to feel a certain way about yourself, or constantly brings another girl into the conversation to triangulate, it feels very off.

You can see that he’s doing it purposely, and the only conclusion I can come to is that he’s feeling very insecure, even though I never made him feel that way. I think it’s his own internal insecurity being projected onto the relationship.

And when this keeps happening, even after you tell him to stop, he acts blur like, “Huh? I’m just kidding,” or, “Why are you reacting this way?”

I’ve finally realized that this is a sign of someone being very immature and childish. Every conversation starts to make me feel on guard, like, “Oh my God, is he going to say something or bring up another girl just to irritate me and spoil my mood?”

Have you ladies encountered guys like this? How do you handle it? What would you do?

I recently came out of a 14-year relationship with a DA, and only after it ended did I begin to realize how much of his insecurities may have been projected onto me. While I was in the relationship, everything happened so consistently that I never really had the time or emotional space to step back and recognize the patterns. It wasn’t until therapy that I started connecting the dots.

I’m curious to hear from other women who have had similar experiences. What were the signs that your DA was deeply insecure, and how did that affect the relationship?

Looking back, there were several behaviors that stand out to me. From the beginning of our relationship, whenever we went out, he would often make a point of staring at other women. He would also randomly bring up other women’s names or compliment actresses while we were watching movies. At the time, I didn’t understand why he did it. In hindsight, I wonder if it was his way of making me feel insecure or less than.

The confusing part is that I never intentionally did anything to make him feel inferior. If anything, I received compliments from other people, and now I wonder whether he struggled with that internally and coped by trying to level the playing field.

He also seemed to enjoy creating comparisons or triangulation. For example, he would talk about his friends in ways that made him seem highly desired or in demand, almost as if he wanted me to feel that I had to compete for his attention or approval.

Another behavior that puzzled me was how often he would talk about making major life changes—joining the military, joining the navy, or moving overseas. I genuinely believed these were dreams he wanted to pursue, so I always encouraged him and told him to go for it.

Only much later did I realize that these conversations may not have been about genuine ambitions at all. Looking back, it felt as though they were meant to create uncertainty or anxiety, as if he wanted me to beg him to stay or reassure him that I needed him. The reason I see it differently now is that despite bringing these ideas up repeatedly over the years, he never actually pursued any of them.

Therapy has helped me see these experiences from a different perspective. Rather than focusing on blaming him, I’m more interested in understanding the dynamics so I don’t repeat the same patterns in future relationships.

What were the red flags that, in hindsight, you wish you’d recognized sooner?

I’m not trying to label anyone, but I’m trying to better understand how an insecure partner can sometimes behave in unhealthy or toxic ways.

I recently came out of a 14-year relationship, and only after it ended did I begin to realize how much of my ex-boyfriend’s insecurity may have been projected onto me. While I was in the relationship, everything happened so consistently that I never really had the time or emotional space to step back and recognize the patterns. It wasn’t until therapy that I started connecting the dots.

I’m curious to hear from other women who have had similar experiences. What were the signs that your partner was deeply insecure, and how did that affect the relationship?

Looking back, there were several behaviors that stand out to me. From the beginning of our relationship, whenever we went out, he would often make a point of staring at other women. He would also randomly bring up other women’s names or compliment actresses while we were watching movies. At the time, I didn’t understand why he did it. In hindsight, I wonder if it was his way of making me feel insecure or less than.

The confusing part is that I never intentionally did anything to make him feel inferior. If anything, I received compliments from other people, and now I wonder whether he struggled with that internally and coped by trying to level the playing field.

He also seemed to enjoy creating comparisons or triangulation. For example, he would talk about his friends in ways that made him seem highly desired or in demand, almost as if he wanted me to feel that I had to compete for his attention or approval.

Another behavior that puzzled me was how often he would talk about making major life changes—joining the military, joining the navy, or moving overseas. I genuinely believed these were dreams he wanted to pursue, so I always encouraged him and told him to go for it.

Only much later did I realize that these conversations may not have been about genuine ambitions at all. Looking back, it felt as though they were meant to create uncertainty or anxiety, as if he wanted me to beg him to stay or reassure him that I needed him. The reason I see it differently now is that despite bringing these ideas up repeatedly over the years, he never actually pursued any of them.

Therapy has helped me see these experiences from a different perspective. Rather than focusing on blaming him, I’m more interested in understanding the dynamics so I don’t repeat the same patterns in future relationships.

I’d love to hear from others. If you’ve dated someone who was deeply insecure and expressed it in unhealthy ways, what behaviors stood out to you? What were the red flags that, in hindsight, you wish you’d recognized sooner?

What's the difference between Anxious Attachment and Empathy?

I was with a dismissive avoidant boyfriend for more than 10 years and it left me so traumatized. Like how he played with my emotions, triangulated me with his ex, random girls, his friends, and things like that just to keep me at arm's length or to make it look like I am the problem and I'm asking for too much. He tried to avoid the fact that he is not emotionally present or he doesn't have the capacity to be emotionally available for me. I am now recovering from it and just wanted to know what other ways have you all negatively experienced being with a dismissive avoidant and the damages that it left, and how are you all healing from it as well. Thanks.

As a recovering codependent, I’ve been in recovery for almost two years, and I’ve noticed a change in myself.

In the past, if I found something that genuinely helped me, whether it was a hair growth product, a crystal bracelet, or anything else, I felt a strong urge to share it with my family and friends. If they weren’t interested, I’d keep explaining the benefits, hoping to convince them to try it. Sometimes I even wanted to buy it for them because I wanted them to experience the positive effects I had experienced for myself.

Looking back, I realise that wasn’t entirely healthy. Even though I wasn’t benefiting financially from them buying the product, I was still struggling to respect their “no.” I didn’t recognize that I was overstepping their autonomy, even if my intentions were good.

As I am healing parts of me, that urge has reduced by a lot. Now, if I recommend something and someone says they’re happy with what they’re already using, I simply accept it. I don’t feel the need to persuade, convince, or make them experience what I experienced. Their decision doesn’t affect me anymore, and it feels incredibly freeing.

Has anyone else experienced this as part of recovering from codependency? If you used to have that same urge, what do you think was driving it? What was the root issue for you? I'm trying to figure this out for myself so I know what was the issue I was previously struggling with.

How does being in a long term relationship with machiavellianism man affect/harm/damage a partner?