r/NarcissisticSpouses

Im unfortunately married to a narc. It literally clicked this morning that he is a narc. For reasons i can’t disclose i cant really leave him. But i don’t wanna suffer in his hands. Like i can be a narc too. Everyone has narcissistic tendencies without it overshadowing their entire personality. But his masks slipped and I saw the raging narc in him. But I would like guidance on how to deal with him without completely being disrepected all the time. The knowledge of him being a narc relieved me of a lot of my pain and guilt

I’ve never experienced this in my life until my narc husband. He gets so angry at me when I’m sick, could be flu, or even surgery. I don’t understand it but he’s such an asshole to me when I’m sick, and I don’t even ask him to do anything for me.

Sometimes the biggest red flags don’t look like red flags at first.

They can look like intense love, concern, jealousy, charm, or simply something that feels “a little off.”

Maybe it was:
🚩 Love bombing
🚩 Constant lying
🚩 Jealousy disguised as love
🚩 Blaming you for everything
🚩 Never apologizing
🚩 Silent treatment
🚩 Making you question your own memory
🚩 Isolating you from friends or family
🚩 Different rules for them than for you

**What was the first red flag you noticed but ignored?**
And when did you finally realize it wasn’t normal?
No judgment here. ❤️ Share only what you’re comfortable sharing.
Sometimes hearing someone else’s experience helps another person recognize what they’re going through.

How narcissistic is this exchange?
Her: I thought you were making changes.
Me: I have and I’m trying. But what I won’t do is live as your bitch.
Her (angry): Well, after what you’ve done to me for 30 years, it’s the only way and it’s not even enough.
Me: 😵‍💫

8 months separated; 15 years together, 8 of those married, two small children. He is awful. A horrible, egotistical, emotionally manipulative, cheating sorry excuse for a “man.” Yet i miss him. I know i shouldnt, i have no desire for him to be a part of my life any longer. I look back on our years together and point out countless moments and interactions that were so unhealthy and harmful.

I know its not him i miss right now. Its the companionship. The body i could lay next to and feel emotionally connected to. The connection i convinced myself was safety and protection. That is what im lacking today. Im terrified whether i will ever be able to feel that for someone else again. There is someone i have been talking to/unofficially dating for a couple of months now. He wants to offer me that companionship, but my heart is refusing it and i dont know why. How do you learn to open your heart again?

I think the fact that i have to see/interact with my ex regularly due to coparenting definitely hinders my ability to let go of him completely. Today is just one of those sucky days… fuck him for putting me through this.

Today is my birthday. My 50th. Last year he completely forgot. This year due to my transgressions (forgetting to pay a medical bill and forgetting to cancel a membership) he has “cancelled” my birthday. He did say “happy birthday” to me this morning. Full stop.

And he is “permitting” my 6-month hair cut and color, which he previously also said I didn’t deserve. We have no debt and make a good salary- I don’t understand why a haircut and color is a birthday/Christmas gift, but it has remained so for several years.

And really, why am I surprised or hurt? Why am I letting this upset me so much?

I feel like I have to ‘defend’ myself to my husband all the time.

It’s hard to articulate, but I feel like HIS default view is that I am out to get him.

Does that make sense?

For example, I made a new email account. The email address is a combination of the letters of my and my kids names. My husband Bob DEMANDED to know why HIS name wasn’t used. This man in his 50s was upset I didn’t include part of his name in my email address, but I included the kids. Like, I just wanted an email I would remember?

I mentioned something about my life insurance premium going up, and he was instantly defensive and demanded to know when I got life insurance and why HE didn’t have life insurance. (I’ve had life insurance for almost 20 years and he didn’t qualify because he was morbidly obese for years). (Also goes to show that he never freaking listens to me, because I have discussed my policy many times.)

It’s like he thinks I’m conniving and evil and out to get him.

Does anyone understand what I’m trying to say?

I’ve had this anxiety of having to defend myself CONSTANTLY for years. Over stupid things.

Actually, I KNOW he thinks I’m evil, because when I started refusing to pick his dirty underwear up from the floor he told me it was an “calculated plan of attack” that “only an evil person” would do.

Yes, I am serious. He called me evil for not picking up his dirty underwear. I still washed it, dried it, put it away. I just wanted him not to treat me like his maid.

Anyway, I’m veering off subject.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

So, I’m in couples therapy with my covert narcissist husband. I had to miss a session. I told both him and the therapist that I didn’t mind if they still met and talked without me. They did.

The next session, my husband couldn’t make it. The therapist said some things that make me believe that she’s been sucked into his narrative. He always plays the martyr.

1. When we were discussing if my husband and I are still compatible, the therapist said that I would have to be the one to bring up divorce because my husband is too sad and depressed and he won’t be able to do it.

2. When I said that I still love him, the therapist said that I shouldn’t tell him that because it would just make it harder for him to accept that we each want different kinds of lifestyle as we move towards retirement.

3. The therapist said that my husband just has fewer resources and support than I do, so I should make this as easy on my husband as possible and lean on my support as needed.

I had hoped therapist could see the pattern. We saw this same person for a while several years ago.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just accept that I’ll be the terrible person who ruined his life. Even though he’s the one who tried to control me with money, wanted me to be available at all times but ignored my happiness for decades, and is freaking out because I want to build community in our new hometown.

I’ve had another bad argument with my narc husband tonight, it felt like the 1000th.
We keep going over the same things endlessly just to come back full circle in a matter of weeks.
I’m trying my best to explain to him that his lack of respect affects our relationship and the role model I want us to be for our kids, but his reaction is always super harsh (then I won’t be talking to you at all!)

It makes me want to smash my head on the wall, except I wouldn’t have the energy to do so, aaargh

What works though?
He’s so smart otherwise, but anything regarding emotions and feelings is unbelievably hard to get through, and he actively resists thought experiments, like he can’t even pretend to understand what I mean

I guess I’ve just lost another day trying to improve our relationship

I was going through some deep shit at that point in my life, and really needed help pulling my head out of the place it was in before I called and had myself hospitalized. But instead of helping, he said (with a very sardonic tone): “What? Do you need me to take them from you or something?” And I just kinda sat there for a second because that wasn’t what I was expecting him to say, but I got defensive and said “no” and grabbed all the bottles I had gathered and kept the pills in my hand. He rolled back over and said he was going to sleep because he was tired and this was too much for him to deal with. He didn’t even try to take the bottles, but I guess that’s my fault for saying no.

The next day I went to this urgent care for mental health and spoke with a therapist. She helped me create a safety plan, and part of that plan was that if things ever got to that point again I needed to be hospitalized no matter what. Regardless of anything I needed to go. I told my partner this, and he said he wouldn’t hospitalize me because of money and being afraid he wouldn’t be able to cover my bills. He said “and who would have to cover your bills while you’re sitting in the hospital for a week or longer, huh? Me!” He frequently went on spending sprees and spent a lot of money on meaningless items.

I’ve left the relationship now, but these two situations still really stick with me. After being together for 5 years, it really seemed like he had no care for my life and whether I actually committed or not. Idk what his goal would’ve been, but I started to fear that something was being planned to hurt me or that he was just waiting for me to actually do it so he could have all my stuff. I collect a lot, but he’s a bigger collector and that’s where all his money would go.

ADVICE? HELP?! IDEK?!

I’m finally ready to leave my “husband” after 10 years and 3 children oldest being 8 youngest being almost 2. I am tired of being with a narcissist and being with an emotional/financial abuser. I have no money to my name besides the cleanings from my own business (thank god I have that) but I have no savings. I live cleaning to cleaning. My childcare consists of family bc I can’t afford a daycare. Even if my “husband” Is home I still have to call someone bc he can’t be bothered to stay with his own offspring or makes every excuse as to why he can’t (work or exercise… mind you we are broke and barely paying our bills because he is not working the way he should. Also, I don’t mind him exercising or going to work out three days a week on his own time BUT when I want me time, it is impossible with this man)

Full of debt from my marriage over the last decade due to other circumstances that makes things a bit more complicated. I don’t even know who I am. I cry all the time. My role in this home is diminished all the time because of my husband. He calls me names and belittles me. I beg him to stop bc it hurts my feelings and he continues to do it. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and work and he comes home and lays around. He’s not present for his kids. I’ve begged for years. Years. I’ve been medicated. I’ve been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Both were horrible for me so I weaned off per medical advice (thank god I self
Advocated!) I couldn’t feel like a zombie and be depressed at the same time. That was after our 2nd child. Things got better until I got pregnant with my third who was a massive shock and surprise. I am now realizing that I struggled with prenatal depression and postnatal depression in my 3rd pregnancy both very early in my pregnancy and my postpartum up to today… Nine days away from being two years PP. I realize now it was never me. It was him.

I guess my question is… how do I begin this process and protect my mental health? I know my husband is also struggling with depression but the way he was brought up… they brush off mental health issues like it just needs a bandaid. My husband has refused therapy for years cause “I’m the problem”.

My parents/family see through him like glass. They are fully supporting me and just want me to tell them when so they can start the process to help me. My own mother said “I will put myself into whatever debt I need to help you out of this”. I feel so horrible having to put this on my family but they’ve seen my struggling for years. I know this man will make my life a living hell the moment I present to him I’m leaving. I love him so much but I’ve built up so much resentment it hurts. I’ve been so anxious and depressed for so long I wake up to my body literally buzzing. I feel physically sick when I wake up every morning and I’m dry heaving or vomiting. I’m not well. It’s rubbing off on my kids and we deserve better. Where do I start?

- a single married mom who wants and deserves better for her and her children.

If I express that I don't like something that he did or is doing, he will get upset and complain and accuse me of starting shit, interrogating him, and he will get loud and won't let me "defend" myself. I wouldn't even consider it defending myself, but rather trying to help him understand my point of view, but I can't even get a word in. When he seems to finally be done yelling and it gets quiet, I say 3 words into my sentence as I believe it's my turn to speak and he just repeats himself. It's like a really bad joke. Then he says to leave him alone. He claims this isn't what he wanted but I left him no choice. Make it make sense.

Our 2 most recent fights were over him putting a scale in our child’s room because my husband is obsessed with our son’s weight, and over me waking up at 1 AM to realize he was not home, having to call many times before he finally picked up and told me he was at a bar 30+ mins away, that he himself calls disgusting, with a friend I don’t approve of.

Backstory: I’m 32, he’s 49 (🚩, I know). We have 2 kids. I own a small (beauty) business and make under $30k a year. He makes $280k a year at his (medical) day job, and also owns several businesses. Also, he just sold one of his companies and received a few million. I do not have access to his money. Just recently over this past summer, he did give me one of his credit cards but it’s only for groceries.

Today I did several tiring, time-consuming household chores that he has sent me money for doing in the past. Afterwards, I let him know that I was done and that he could pay me whatever he felt was fair. He then told me that because I’m “not working right now” (I am, just a slower season til the next month or so), those are my responsibilities, and that he’s not going to give me money when I’m not giving him peace. I cried.

~30 mins later he said “let’s go reconnect” meaning intimately. I told him that I was on day 1 of my cycle and didn’t want to. I could tell by his response that if I didn’t, I’d be punished somehow even more. So I did, which was my choice/fault and I own that, but now I feel so absolutely disgusting.

Looking for words of encouragement, open to advice. Please be kind.

I’ll just use one example that’s clicking for me now. He would pressure me for nudes, and when I kept saying no-or because I was being pressured, I’d say “tomorrow” and then say no again-he would crash out, call me a liar, etc.( maybe I was wrong I take accountability)
Then during the apologizing phase, he’d say, “It’s just that you’re my girl, and when you say no, it feels like you’re denying me something that’s mine .” Or along those lines… but he’d say it in a way that sounds cute like I’m his and his mine

I swear the older my narc husband gets…the more time passes…he just gets worse & worse. There were always red flags, and he’s been borderline emotionally abusive for years, but lately it’s reached another level. He said some things today that I actually couldn’t even believe I was hearing. He said that if I’m not with a client (I own a small beauty business), and I’m not dropping off/picking up the kids from school, I should be doing something around the house. He goes, “you don’t do laundry every single day, you don’t do the dishes every single day” and I said, “of course I don’t, who does?” which he replied to with “you should be, since you’re not doing anything else”. This man truly believes that I should not be allowed to sit down on my couch for a minute, or eat a snack, etc. if there is anything in the house I could possibly be working on in that moment. Actual insanity, I tell you…

My narc makes rude comments about how this person at his job is so clearly clueless and has absolutely no social awareness.

The whole time, I’m thinking, you’re worse. He lies and cheats, and his coworkers know he’s married—so there’s that. But what really gets me is how obvious he thinks his lies aren’t.

I double-check things, catch him lying, and he still acts like I’m too stupid to know he’s lying. Then there’s the pattern of starting huge blowups with me right before he travels for work, only to go out drinking at the bar with his AP.

Does he really think nobody notices? People are watching. People talk. And while he’s criticizing someone else for having no social awareness, I can’t help but wonder how many people are looking at him and thinking the exact same thing.

Anyone else?

Which would you do and why?

I have seen a wicked and crafty grin come across his face as he listened to me telling him something sad I went through.

I have seen the "nice guy" mask almost literally slip away in an instant when it was no longer needed. I have seen scary looks on his face that he did not realize were there. His eyes went all dark with a quiet rage when I refused to have sex with him after we separated. A wicked grin at other times in other circumstances. Like someone playing a game and thinking they are winning.

If you are reading this, you have probably seen things like this too. Tell me what you have seen?