r/NarcissisticSpouses

Whether a partner stays and the narcissist has someone to control and demean in perpetuity, even if the other person eventually learns their partner is a narcissist but stays for one reason or another. Does the narcissist ever truly “win” in this scenario? Or do they die miserable whether they’re alone or somehow manage to keep their supply in a marriage, etc?

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

- Met girl on Hinge 13th of September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday 20th September took me to a fancy new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

- Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her and put her kid in therapy - to which I was very understanding. I felt like this girl really understood me as well.

-Now this is where the cracks start - Around 6 months into dating, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said thats trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads.

-At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc - I just let her vent - Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did - On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her I don't bring up my exes etc as they are in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasnt in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyones best interests I treated his son with respect and care. I felt like I was walking on egg shells as she always played it down to her family etc

- I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

- I did not reply for 3 weeks based on advice from my family and friends as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, I then texted her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 2 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

Thanks to anyone reading this I just don't know what to do I can't picture myself with anyone else - is this emotional abuse? is she a covert narcissist? do I even attempt to contact her for answers its coming up around 3 months since we last seen each other.

Love bombing and sex bombing are called "bombing" for a reason: they overwhelm your psychological boundaries before they exploit your emotional and financial resources.

The one who stayed and the one who’s screaming to get out. I’ve started withdrawing from my friends again and I know it but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I’m drinking heavily again and am riddled with anxiety every day.

OK, so I’ve been planning my escape. I wanted to have a certain amount of money before I left, and I’m almost halfway there. I have an entire plan of how to leave. From getting the job I have, to open opening up a secret bank account. I have a timeline for several things. For instance, when I’m one month from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m two weeks from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m one week away from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m three days from leaving, I have things I need to do. Lastly, when I’m one day from leaving, I have things I need to do. The only thing that is bothering me is, we have two vehicles and both of our names, and a Loan together. I’m probably going to take a hit there on my credit, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m going to switch utilities out of my name the day before I leave. I’m going to get new phones under just my name three days before I leave. It’s been even more difficult because I need to take my two small dogs and my two cats, and that’s hard to do when you’re having to rent. (The Mortgage is in his name Only ) However, there is one large dog that I know I can’t take. I hope he will take care of him. I’m feeling excited and scared, but I don’t know what else to do other than leave. After working a long week, I’m always happy to see Friday, but by Saturday afternoon, I wish it was Monday. I have zero friends and zero family. I’m scared.

I've been with my wife for 20 years. We have 2 kids.

My wife has many of the typical traits I've been reading about in this sub.

She never or hardly ever admits to being wrong. She is quick to point out if I'm wrong.

She has a habit of crossing boundaries and blaming my reaction.

Sometimes I swear she deliberately tries to get a reaction out of me.

Lately it seems like she's weaponizing sex. We barely touch each other. At night she stays on her side of the bed scrolls or watches tv. I always have to initiate, but get pushed away most of the time so I stopped trying.

If something she did bothers me we can't discuss it but she brings up things from years ago. It seems like if I mention something she did that bothers me even in the most calm manner she gets angry and mad at me.

It feels very distant, when I try to talk to her about it she either doesn't want to discuss it or she says she's OK with how things are and doesn't want to try to improve our relationship. She doesn't want to speak about our relationship but spends hours on the phone discussing her family's relationships.

The confusing part is no one that knows her probably sees this side of her.

Long post:

So background, we’ve been married 18 years. He was my first husband and I’m his 3rd wife. I met him when I was 28 and he was 44 so 16 year age difference. I loved him so much and considered him a gift from God. My divine partner. But the red flags were there. We married within 3 months of meeting. He had PTSD from being in the Lebanon War in the early 80’s (Israel). On our wedding day, he said “You married me, I didn’t marry you.” And “I’m an asshole, you can leave anytime”. I thought he was just being modest or funny or something. Anyway, I learned there’s a pattern with him- he abandons his wives through working out of town. So within 2 years he got this job where he was on the road for weeks at a time. Then months at a time. I hardly saw him at all! Eventually I became suspicious like in 2015 he was having an affair. I kept trying to find out who it was. He started a business and hired people, was it this girl? Maybe this girl? I poured through phone records.

Years later I found out who it was and it had been going on for 8 years. A married, chain smoking old ho his age. They basically spent all year together - working hard yes- but still cheating. I confronted him in 2021. He said what he does is none of my F‘in business. I had proof in 2023. Moved out 2024. Finally I got a raise and could support myself 100 percent. I filed for divorce in Feb this year. He still works with that lady. I asked him to sign a waiver of service (no lawyers) he said sure. He never did. He keeps kicking the can.

Yesterday, it had been along time since I checked our joint account since I handle my own finances, yet still struggle. He had tens of thousands of dollars just dropped into it and all of it going to various accounts with the name of that lady. I was convinced this is him hiding money. (He always paid her more than his other employees). But he was paying her like triple and like on cash app, Zelle, wire just all kinds of ways. I got angry and transferred only a couple thousand to my account and I texted him (after not talking for like a year) ”hey I transferred some money out of our joint acct for some of my expenses- since I’ve been on my own with little help from you.

Well, he removed my name from the account. Blocked me on his phone. Won’t return my emails. I emailed him again and I said “look - if you don’t sign that waiver of service by end of July I’m getting a lawyer and they might order financial disclosure. Let’s keep it simple- return waiver of service so there is no conflict.“ I’m not looking to go after his business or sportscar or anything. Why won’t he sign it?

But he cut me off for real today. After me crying and being heartbroken over him for 5 years now. My heart has been thoroughly shattered. And he just doesn’t care.

Any tips? There’s no way he’s coming back even though I always felt he was my rightful partner. He started putting me down a lot in year 2 of the marriage- saying I’m fat and annoying. (I was 140 pounds) this lady is like 90 pounds. I once yelled at him and told him he likes old hoes and he smiled and said “yeah- I guess I do.” So I guess it’s really over now and she really gets to have him. But the secret is what makes it enticing for them. Hes now 62, and she is 67. Once she retires and stops working, what is he going to do?

Since he changed the address on our bank account to his friends house, I’m going to have him served there (even though I know he is not there). Just to show the court that I tried having him served there”at his last posted adddress“. It’s impossible to have him served because he lives out of his car, and travels around the whole country- all year. He said he likes living that way. I won’t be able to pin him down. The judge denied my previous order for substituted service saying I didn’t try hard enough to locate him. But with this new address (his friends) he posted I will try to prove I tried and he will grant it. I am so heartbroken over this. He said he would never leave me - he just wanted me in the background like a “mother” and then he just do what he wants while devaluing me.

I am all alone. And he’s got her. And they’ve been laughing behind my back for 10 years. It’s getting into 48 hours type territory. But my shattered heart and mind have taken my will to act away. When it’s final (the divorce) I will be extremely sad. I’ll be 47. No kids. No husband. Damaged. Missing him. Wanting him there for me when my parents die. I will be all alone. He blocked me. I truly loved him. How do I get over this? The pain doesn’t get better it’s been 5 years.

started to feel my body going numb. I went to my husband and he said “what do u want to do” I said “I don’t know but I am scared”. Our two kids were sleeping and he wouldn’t come up with a solution so I just said “I will walk there.” (We live a block away from the hospital). I began to walk and collapsed on the side walk. I woke up to an ambulance. I am currently in the ER and they could not find anything wrong and are saying it could be chronic stress/sleep deprivation. I called my husband and agin he said “what do you want me to do.” I told him to ask the neighbors to watch the kids. He came here asked me what happened and then said he should get back to the kids. He is now texting me saying he is tired while I am still in the ER

Came back home to him claiming he missed me, he repeatedly tried to kiss me, touching me, blocking my way when I did laundry, crawled into my bed not taking no for a answer when he wouldn't stop trying to kiss me, he said he was lonely. After awhile of this fake lovey- dovey nonsense and him realizing I'm not going to kiss him or cuddle him (something he only wants when he's drunk) he throws a temper tantrum, just like a child, knocks off the lid off of a trashcan before going outside to presumably vent and smoke a cigarette with his friend. He tried to say if I'm going to be rude then that means he can be rude right back... I didn't yell at him, throw a tantrum, or act like a bitch, I refused to be affectionate towards him, he brought up how it's been 3 years without anything (something he caused) and because of his drinking and emotional abuse I don't feel anything towards him, he caused that. But he'll blame me entirely. It was a peaceful week without him, and despite me telling him I got less than 5 hours of sleep his selfish ass is only worried about himself. Hoping he passes out soon. I was in a good mood until I came home. So over his bullshit. I also forgot to mention he randomly brought up a insecurity of mine during his rage.

Married to what I’ll consider the most confusing of narcissist. I’ve gone from is it just Asperger’s or emotional avoidance? Or covert narcissism or ‘nice guy narcissist’ if that even exists ? but I’m at the point where labels ain’t shit, do I feel safe or not.. but I’ll say he’s a covert narc, anyway we will get into it in depth another day. But I have to ask. Is yours like extremely clingy too ? And do they get weird when you experience even the slightest bit of joy outside them ?

For instance, with experiencing joy. I could be dancing and listening to music and one or two things happen or both. 1. It’s either he gets into a sunken mood and just starts acting cold. Or 2. He literally mirrors me and starts doing exactly what I was doing, listening to music and dancing too. (This happens like clock work) this also barely happens but being married to someone so insidious and the other hardships of life, music is how I release and uplift myself when needed. And I don’t do it nearly enough. The same goes for if I want to do anything outside him too, for instance. Even just going to the gym and having some structure snd control of my life. He acts up. But very carefully, very subtle My narc is very careful in his ways and tracks hence why I started this post with I’VE BEEN CONFUSED. But the consistency of these patterns has been the giveaway. This is who he is.

With regards to the clinginess, having my alone time literally feels like a crime. I remember very early in our marriage (been married for 5) I told him I need my alone time sometimes and it was a very light hearted convo, kinda like this goes without saying like who doesn’t need their space sometimes ? And now in hindsight I realise that conversation really really needed to be had. Can’t go to the toilet for a second without him literally coming there to intrude because ‘he needs to tell me something’ like I’m dealing with a toddler. It’s aloooot. Calls me every 2 minutes work break (and I’m sure in healthier dynamics that will be all lovely and cute but for me it’s suffocating)

Anyway thanks for listening/reading.

I posted a couple times about the emotional and physical abuse from my partner. And unfortunately I’m not in a place yet where I can fully go no contact without becoming almost suicidal.

What rages me the most is how unfair life is. He’s a succesful known athlete in the ufc and I regret not pressing charges when he strangled me. He gets to live freely and gets all the validation and people think he’s the super nice humble guy.

And I’m scared telling the “wrong” people since it’s very common that fans protect the male publicly even if there’s evidence (look at Connor McGregor)

I don’t know how to handle that feeling that he destroyed my career my mental health and he can just live so “happily”.

I have finally stood my ground about being forced to do his disgusting kinks. I will not be doing any of them. they are vile and disturbing. He has been in bed for 6 days now, ignoring me and our two small children. I’m just biding my time until I can leave. I used to beg and cry for him to talk to me but now i don’t give a fuck. I can’t stand him and can’t wait to be free.

what’s the longest you’ve had silent treatment from your narc?

People often ask whether male narcissists are gay, bisexual, or straight. I can only speak from my own experience. My nex never seemed to have a genuine sexual orientation. His sense of self was so hollow that gender barely seemed to matter—supply did. Anyone who had something he wanted could become a target. To me, it looked less like a sexual orientation and more like pure sexual opportunism.

If a cow had something he wanted, he'd be in the barn that same night. He'd talk to the cow about philosophy, religion, animal rights, and spend hours listening to its life story—not out of empathy, but to figure out exactly how to exploit it later. Then he'd use "sexual intimacy" to get what he came for, followed by devaluation and discard. Sex was never about connection. It was just the key to the safe.

He also drank heavily, used drugs, couldn't keep a job, had compulsive sexual behavior, and, in my experience, showed sexual interest in children. He seemed addicted to dopamine in every form and incapable of building anything lasting. If there is a hole, they will use it.

I had to reach out to him to get clarity on how we were moving forward with the divorce such as signing papers and if he had a better idea of when he was moving out because I have to look for a roommate . I already knew he was going to get defensive, but I went ahead anyway and asked. This is all through text. He blew up and sent me a series of texts about how I am in the wrong and all the things I don't do around the house ( these are all lies and I sent him receipts to back up what I was saying ) . Anyways we stopped talking. This morning when I saw him in the kitchen I had all this rage in me and I decided to confront him about the lies and asked if he believed they were true . Of course he just brushed it off and talked over me while he walked out the door.

I feel like shit now and would like kind words or advice on how to manage my pent up anger and how to just be no contact while living in the same space.

I know he is doing this on purpose to bother me. So I am currently on the opposite side of the house in our daughter’s room eating my breakfast to get away from him.

This feels like the final straw. Not sure why all of the other shit hasn’t been a deal breaker for me but this is taking it too far. He’s been controlling for our whole relationship, but it’s confusing because he’s a very caring, generous, and kind guy. To others he seems amazing. Shit has been hitting the fan recently because I’ve stopped letting him walk all over me and have been doing things my way for once.

I started going to Pilates and really like it. I’ve lost weight, my body looks and feels awesome. For the first time in my life I actually like my body and it’s healing some chronic pain that I have. I go 3x a week. Yesterday we were at a July 4 event in my town and we saw my Pilates teacher there. I was excited to see her and have her meet my husband, I gave her a hug and introduced them. Told her where we were headed, and then she kind of walked with us for a moment then headed off to do something else with her kid. So I walked over to her and said we were heading down the other way. That was the interaction.

Then yesterday evening husband says, “that was nice meeting your teacher. You two look cute together.” I was like what do you mean? He said it looks like we’re in a relationship. I’m completely baffled at this point, and also not going to take his bait for an argument. So I told him that was absolutely ridiculous, I’m not going to even respond to that, and moved on.

This morning he tells me that we’re done, and we’ll have a meeting with this kids after they’re up to let them know we are splitting up (it’s been verrry rocky lately, but I had thought we were going to work on things, and at least a few days last week seemed good). I wasn’t sure where he was coming from and later he said, “I’m not the one who is having a relationship with someone else.” I was stunned, couldn’t believe he was bringing this up again, told him that’s ridiculous. I tried so hard not to be reactive, because I knew that if I over explained or defended myself too much he would think I was being untruthful. You know because only people who are lying over-explain. I got so upset though, that he would accuse me of doing something I’m absolutely not doing. I see my teacher 3x a week and we’ve become friends, we chat about stuff after class, you know like friends might do. This just feels incredibly controlling and emotional abusive to be making me feel bad for having a friend (and enjoying my classes).

I ended up getting really pissed, because I was so angry at him. Then he comes back with a calm “why are you yelling at me? If you’re so insistent that you’re not cheating, I’ll believe you and trust you since you’re my wife.” And proceeded to tell me that by yelling I’m not getting anywhere and what am I hoping to accomplish by getting so angry. Oh boy you guys. It’s crazy making. I kind of lost it and left the house, I couldn’t be around him.

Is there any coming back from this? I was hoping we’d be able to mend things, but this just makes me feel so awful. I mean he usually makes me feel pretty awful, but this takes the cake. Am I supposed to not have friends now? Did he come up with this because I have a thing that’s just for me, and he doesn’t like that?

And holy fuck as I am writing this post he just texted me. “Wanna come cuddle?” If I say no way, why would I want to come cuddle with you after all of that, he’ll tell me that he’s making an effort and putting himself out there and I’m not willing to try to fix things. It’s always my fault. But I’m so disgusted by his behavior today. This is not good for my mental health!

I (25 F) left my narc husband in April after previously leaving twice. We were married for about 5 years which does not feel as long as others here. This is the longest I have made it without going back so I am proud of myself for that.

He was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive- typical narcissist in every single way. The trauma has left me with PTSD and several health conditions. I know that it was a horrible relationship, and I did not deserve to be treated that way. But there is a part of me that misses him, and I hate it.

Previously, I would just take all the blame for his behavior and apologize for everything to keep the peace and “resolve” the conflict. I did not do it this time. I don’t know if it is because there is no closure since he will not acknowledge how he has treated me or what he has done, or just because I spent years with him but I still miss him.

How long did it take once you had left your relationship with a narcissist to finally feel free and not like you are bound to missing them? Right now it feels impossible.

Was accusing me of being the narc. I had no idea what that was about, so I took a bunch of self assessments and the lightbulb went off.

Her projection opened my eyes that her covert narcissistic traits aren't normal behavior. Understanding DARVO, tone policing, the gaslighting, flagrant rejection of my boundaries, while guilt tripping me for standing up for myself.

"I don't even know who you are anymore" Funny, i really didn't know who i was for over a decade either.

I have a phone call with legal council on Tuesday. I know this will suck in the short term. But it's time to take the leap.