u/Skeedurah

So, I’m in couples therapy with my covert narcissist husband. I had to miss a session. I told both him and the therapist that I didn’t mind if they still met and talked without me. They did.

The next session, my husband couldn’t make it. The therapist said some things that make me believe that she’s been sucked into his narrative. He always plays the martyr.

1. When we were discussing if my husband and I are still compatible, the therapist said that I would have to be the one to bring up divorce because my husband is too sad and depressed and he won’t be able to do it.

2. When I said that I still love him, the therapist said that I shouldn’t tell him that because it would just make it harder for him to accept that we each want different kinds of lifestyle as we move towards retirement.

3. The therapist said that my husband just has fewer resources and support than I do, so I should make this as easy on my husband as possible and lean on my support as needed.

I had hoped therapist could see the pattern. We saw this same person for a while several years ago.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just accept that I’ll be the terrible person who ruined his life. Even though he’s the one who tried to control me with money, wanted me to be available at all times but ignored my happiness for decades, and is freaking out because I want to build community in our new hometown.

So, I’m in couples therapy with my husband. I had to miss a session. I told both him and the therapist that I didn’t mind if they still met and talked without me. They did.

The next session, my husband couldn’t make it. The therapist said some things that were a bit strange, I think. The following were statements, not questions that led me to the conclusions.

1. When we were discussing if my husband and I are still compatible, the therapist said that I would have to be the one to bring up divorce because my husband is too sad and depressed and he won’t be able to do it.
2. When I said that I still love him, the therapist said that I shouldn’t tell him that because it would just make it harder for him to accept that we each want different kinds of lifestyle as we move towards retirement.
3. The therapist said that my husband just has fewer resources and support than I do, so I should make this as easy on my husband as possible and lean on my support as needed.

I just came out of that session feeling very uncomfortable. It’s almost like the therapist was being a caretaker for husband. Husband does have friends, family, and is heavily involved in 12 step programs, but does struggle with emotions.

I don’t know. Is this really how couples therapy should work?