u/NittyNat36

I feel like I have to ‘defend’ myself to my husband all the time.

It’s hard to articulate, but I feel like HIS default view is that I am out to get him.

Does that make sense?

For example, I made a new email account. The email address is a combination of the letters of my and my kids names. My husband Bob DEMANDED to know why HIS name wasn’t used. This man in his 50s was upset I didn’t include part of his name in my email address, but I included the kids. Like, I just wanted an email I would remember?

I mentioned something about my life insurance premium going up, and he was instantly defensive and demanded to know when I got life insurance and why HE didn’t have life insurance. (I’ve had life insurance for almost 20 years and he didn’t qualify because he was morbidly obese for years). (Also goes to show that he never freaking listens to me, because I have discussed my policy many times.)

It’s like he thinks I’m conniving and evil and out to get him.

Does anyone understand what I’m trying to say?

I’ve had this anxiety of having to defend myself CONSTANTLY for years. Over stupid things.

Actually, I KNOW he thinks I’m evil, because when I started refusing to pick his dirty underwear up from the floor he told me it was an “calculated plan of attack” that “only an evil person” would do.

Yes, I am serious. He called me evil for not picking up his dirty underwear. I still washed it, dried it, put it away. I just wanted him not to treat me like his maid.

Anyway, I’m veering off subject.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Would you consider this to be financially abusing Bob?

Bob just started work a few weeks ago. Because I do EVERYTHING, I am in charge of finances. Bob just slaps everything on his credit card and waits for Mummy Nitty Nat to pay the bill with our joint money. (Not that he buys anything crazy, because I’m the one that buys everything. King Bob doesn’t lower himself to shop.)

Bob has no idea of how much money I make. My job is of no interest to him. Bob doesn’t even know how much our mortgage is.

I have been living with Bob from the moment I got my first Big Girl Job after university. I have been supporting Bob on and off since then (his redundancies/ quitting/moving country/studying). Our money has always been joint. And for the most part, I’d always been scrambling to keep our heads above water. The last ten years have been okay, but before that we had moved over 12 times because Bob wanted a better job or lost his job or wanted to study or something. We always had to start from scratch because moving would take all of our money. And I never felt I could say no, because that would be a Bad Wife thing to do.

And after this last ‘okay’ ten years, Bob was made redundant. And even with a decent payout, he managed to fuck everything up so much that now he has a job, we have to rebuild our savings AGAIN. I’m pretty sure I now have a peptic ulcer from the stress of worrying about paying our mortgage when our money ran out.

So now I can’t help but think - why does Bob get access to all of my money? Even if I save as much as I can in the joint savings account, I know Bob will look at the balance and feel ‘safe’ to want to quit his job or buy something new (he’s already talking about buying a new car - still haven’t paid off MY car).

My plan is to put a certain amount of my salary - $5,000 a month (not USD, I’m not that well paid 😂 ) in our joint account, and then funnel any excess into MY own savings account. (Depending on when I work, will be $800- $1,500 a month).

And you know what, I think that’s fair.

Would I be mad if I found out HE was doing that? Yup. But also, he’s quite happily sucked the life and the labour out of me for 20 years - especially these last ten months when he happily sat on his ass whilst I worked and he did nothing.

A little part of my brain says that this would actually be considered financial abuse of Bob - hiding money. But that might also be the sucker part of me. He still has access to his own money and most of mine.

What do you think? A good idea? Financial abuse of Bob?

I’ve always put little amounts away, but not hundreds of dollars at a time.

Or were you just really convenient at the time?

When I met my spouse, I was 22 and about to graduate from university.

He was 35 and in a job he hated. He gave me a big sob story about how he couldn’t POSSIBLY look for another job while still working his current job. Nope. Impossible.

Even young and naive I thought that was bullshit, but obviously he had spent months grooming me with his Victimhood and me being a Good Girl, I offered for us to move in together when I started my first job after graduation.

So that’s how I ended up supporting this grown man for a few months while he job hunted. With my first ever professional full time job.

And now I can’t help but think - did he ever really love ME, or the convenience?

I feel like I could have been ANY pliable young adult and he would have done the same thing.

He had used a similar nickname for me and his girlfriend before me (also over a decade younger than him) that was cutesy and implied that we were ditzy.

He loved to imply that I had “butterflies in my head” (saying that I am ditzy), but the thing is - I’m NOT ditzy. I’m organised and determined. It’s like he has the stereotype of “girlfriend/wife” in his head and to him that’s what I was. My personality didn’t matter.

Was I just The Girlfriend Appliance that turned into The Wife Appliance?

I’m long past being heartbroken, I’m just curious if anyone else feels this way?

….. or another title - “The Red Flags that smacked stupid me in the face.”

So, important to remember that Bob is over 12 years older then me. We met when I was a naive university student.

Bob met his ex girlfriend (Lilly) at work. He was 30 and her boss. She was a 19 year old university student.

Please let’s pause to vomit.

Thank you.

At some point in their relationship Bob hurt his back. He had to lie in bed for a few weeks. Including using a bedpan.

Bob tells me this story with OUTRAGE- because his own MOTHER had to fly down and help him. His 19 year old girlfriend wouldn’t even help him use a bedpan. What an uncaring bitch. (Insert eye roll here) (and maybe another vomit.)

Lilly lived with her parents, who were very supportive of her.

When Lilly was about to graduate, she and Bob decided to move from Ireland to London.

Lilly’s parents insisted that Bob go ahead and get settled before Lilly flew over.

Bob arrived in London. At 32 he claims he had no money and had to sleep on a bench in Hyde Park overnight, where he was stabbed in the leg by a homeless person.

How the fuck did I believe this???? I still remember the smirk of Bobs face when he told me the story and showed me his ‘scar’. WHY did he get such pleasure out of feeding me bullshit??? Again, I was 22 and naive.

Anyway, back to the story -

When Bob arrives in London he calls Lilly. She breaks up with him.

Bob is heartbroken- he calls his Mummy and Daddy. THEY call and demand to speak to Lilly. Lilly’s parents say no, WTF?

Bob is outraged - how DARE Lilly be so disrespectful to his parents??

And then Bob never hears from Lilly again.

The End.

Hearing this story 20+ years ago, Bob made himself out to be an absolute Victim. I was outraged on his behalf!!

Now, looking back- poor, poor Lilly. The only way she felt she could safely escape Bob was waiting until he left the country??

I’m not even sure if Bob has ever dated someone his own age, ever??

Anyway, it is SHOCKING to look back and see all of the Reg Flags that I missed.

I feel like my husband Bob is a time and energy vampire- draining both of those things right out of me.

Two nights ago our teenage children had a normal sibling spat. Some swear words were said and some things were thrown.

They were loud enough that Bob could hear them through his headphones and disrupted his TV show.

At this point they both started to calm down as I told them to be kind to each other.

Bob started yelling - how dare daughters swear in HIS house and how dare son throw things in HIS house (not worried about son being sworn at or daughter having things thrown at her 🙄)

I told Bob to just drop it, because it’s a sibling spat and they will sort it out between themselves.

Cue Bob dramatically stating that he never did those things because he was sent to boarding school and would be beaten etc, etc. Then he said that I never respect his decisions when it comes to disciplining the children.

Sigh.

I’m a Single Married Mother. Bob doesn’t even make our youngest brush his teeth if I am at work. But now he wants to discipline where discipline isn’t due?

I just grey rocked.

The next morning the kids were best friends again. But Bob has been giving me the Silent Treatment for two days now.

It’s exhausting.

Bob has taken a spat between the kids and made it about himself. And he’s now reacting to it longer than the actual children involved.

This can’t be how normal married couples are, surely? When one likes to give the Silent Treatment every couple of weeks?

At least I know not to react now. I just carry on with my normal day and keep talking to Bob as I normally would. I asked if he would like coffee, and he looked me up and down, sniggered and said “Not from you.”

Is this how a man in his 50’s should act?

He’s a time and energy drain. It’s ridiculous.

For those that can’t leave yet, how do you deal with it? I am so sick and tired of everything revolving around Bob, even when I making a conscious effort not to.

I feel that my husband has most signs of covert narcissism. Either that or he’s just a gigantic asshole. Maybe it’s the same thing?

Does your spouse /partner lie ALL the time? I’ve tried to explain this to other people, but they don’t seem to grasp the severity of it.

I mean he lies about everything. Little things - If something costs $1, he’ll say it was $2. If he has six hours sleep, he’ll say it was four. And big things - he told me his parents abandoned him at boarding school for the summer (lies), he hated his job as an accountant at a major hotel chain and told me that they were going to start making accountants work as cleaning staff and waiters once a week 🙄 (his excuse to leave). He had a job interview and told me that he would have to have a 3rd interview before being offered the job - I checked his emails and they had ALREADY offered him the job.

He lies about things that don’t need to be lied about. Teeny, tiny things. Even in his actions - he is always ‘ill’ and will sometimes do a fake stumble when walking, to show me how ‘ill’ he is. (Last time He ‘walked into’ the kitchen chair and kept walking with the chair being pushed in front of him, making no effort to stop or move the chair 🙄

I’ve only recently started realising that he lies about EVERYTHING and the severity of it is breathtaking.

Does your partner do this? Did you eventually just accept that everything they tell you is a lie?

and he’s being an even bigger asshole.

Bobby Boy has started his first job in almost 11 months! It’s a well paying job with a 50 minute commute each way.

Poor Bob is already tired! The commute! The work! Poor Bob!

He’s irritated with having to commute “such a long way.” In his own car. In his luxury SUV. Poor Bob.

So he’s taking it out on us. The kids were having a sibling spat (swear words were muttered and things were thrown) to which I told them to stop and Oldest stormed off and Middle cried. It’s a spat and they would be over it in ten minutes.

Of course Bob started yelling about how dare Oldest utter a swear word in HIS house etc, etc, etc. I said it was a sibling spat and to leave them alone.

So Bob started on again about how the children are out of control and need discipline.

Oldest is studying law on a full scholarship, Middle is the sweetest boy ever. They are great kids.

So we all just ignored Bob and he stormed off to bed, but not before making it all about Bob - HE was sent away to school, HE never behaved like that. Blah blah blah. Umm, great? WTF has that got to do with anything??

And now he’ll be all shitty tomorrow and won’t bother waking Middle and Youngest for school because he’ll be “so busy” getting himself ready for work.

He’s just low-grade aggressive ALL the time (I tell him he has the same look as a pit-bull), and any little thing sets him off, even when it has nothing to do with him.

On the bright side, I’m now able to save some money and re-line up my ducks!

Oh my dear Bromos,

Bob has decided to stop taking his medication.

He’s on two different meds for ‘depression’, or really for being an aggressive asshole. He’s been on them for years.

He’s now decided to stop them
Cold turkey.

I feel like I’m being sucked into everything revolving around Bob again. I’m having to double check his behaviour, his moods, his actions.

So today Bob woke up and left the house without his phone. Bob doesn’t normally leave the house, and he’s NEVER without his phone.

So I spent the next hour wondering if I should be worried enough to call the police. But no, that would be over reacting. But I DID get dressed out of my pajamas incase the police came to my door with bad news. Stupid over reaction? Maybe.

It then occurred to me to check Bobs credit card usage (he took his wallet) - the fucker purchased $20 worth of MacDonalds on his drive.

I chastised myself for being paranoid.

Then Bob came home, not making eye contact and said he went ‘to the river’. (That’s a purposeful attempt to make me worry about SI).

He then sat on the sofa scrolling FB for the rest of the day. Barely spoke to anyone. At one point he sadly told me he wasn’t going to eat dinner, because he had no appetite and hadn’t eaten ALL day. (Oh, he also made himself eggs before his MacDonalds.)

After barely speaking/moving all day, he went to another room and had an energetic, jovial one hour FaceTime call with his mother.

Then came out of the room, not making eye contact, barely talking, etc.

The fucker.

For YEARS my mantra about Bob has been “Not my circus, not my monkey.” Because this is how he always used to make me feel - like it’s all MY fault. That’s his vibe.

And now I’m second guessing and checking everything.

On one hand, fuck him. Not my circus.

On the other hand, he could have seizures/SI from a sudden withdrawal. Not to mention he still does not have a job. Do I have to baby him through that too?

But again. If I don’t, it’s the roof over the kids head that’s at stake. It’s been over 10 months now.

See why I feel crazy?

On top of all this, I can really see how he’s treated me like 💩 over the years. He’s laughing, joking with his Mummy, then comes out of the room and basically snarls at me. He used to do that before he was medicated and I would just fawn. That would be my Flight or Fight response. Fawning.

Oh, and a nice little cherry on top of the cake? I bought movie tickets for the kids and I, and when we were getting ready to leave Youngest was saying he didn’t want to go. So Bob the Fucker says “Your mother has wasted a lot of money on the tickets, so you’re going.”

Like, fuck all the way off, Bob. You don’t earn any money or contribute to the running of the household, you don’t get a say.

Feel free to scroll on, I’m just using this board as my reflection-therapy. 😂

MIL has a friend with a terminally ill husband. (They are all in their 80s)

Bob knew this family when he was a child, but hasn’t seen/spoken to/ thought of/mentioned them in decades. He’d never mentioned them to me before.

Once MIL mentioned the husband’s illness, Bob has been all up their arses. They live in another country, so he’s been calling them for updates, emailing them daily. He tells MIL proudly “Oh, I’ve been sending them emails about our day, so they can take their mind off the illness and brighten up their day.” Like a proud little boy.

These people have their own kids and grandkids, and from the one short, polite email they sent back to Bob, they don’t give a flying fuck about Bobs day. Because why would they??? If you had limited time with your family, would you want a stranger taking up your time?

Bob has done this several times over the years. It would make me cringe, and then I would feel bad because Bob was “just trying to be nice.”

But really, Bob isn’t trying to be nice. Bob is trying to be the Main Character in someone else’s story.

When my granny was literally dying, Bob yelled at me for not responding to his question quick enough (because I was crying) and then gave me the silent treatment until after Granny died. But he was the big strong hero at her funeral.

I didn’t get daily check ins to brighten up my day…

Years ago, about six months after we first moved to Sydney, Bob found out that one of his old coworkers was dying from cancer. She was a nice older lady, but she was literally his coworker. He never saw her outside work, or kept in touch with her.

But the minute he found out she had weeks to live, he started calling her daily to ‘brighten up her day’. And this was back the olden days when international phone calls cost $$$ (and I was the only one working…)

I tried to kindly point out that maybe sending her flowers would be nicer than forcing her to talk on the phone.

Bob dramatically cried-yelled at me “She’s my friend and you can’t force me to stay away from her.” I mean, I just suggested flowers, not ripped the phone out of his hands.

It was weird. (And no, I don’t think anything funny had been going on between the two of them previously, she was a lady in her 60s and obviously Bob likes em young 🤮)

If I had to describe it now - I could sum it up with “Ick”. Just ick.

It’s weird, right?

It’s so fucking weird.

As I’ve slowly (very slowly) realised that Bob lies about everything and it occurred to me that he has ALWAYS lied about everything, I’m replaying scenes from our early years in my head.

This one I can’t figure out - lie or misfortune?

Soon after Bob and I moved in together (because he couldn’t look for a job when still employed! Duh! He needed me to look after him while he looked for jobs! Duh!) I went to visit a friend in Canada.

My flight home was overbooked and I was kicked off the flight and rebooked for the next night.

I arrive home a day late and Bob picks me up from the airport.

On the way home Bob shook his head and said sadly “It’s such a pity your flight was delayed. I had booked a B&B and was going to propose, and it was ruined.”

I didn’t ask any questions- I was HORRIFIED that Bob might propose (yet still too stupid to leave) so just left it at that. I was just 23. He was 36. Ick.

I also felt bad that I had ‘ruined’ Bobs proposal. (His intention, I guess.) So I swept it all under the rug. Never to be mentioned again.

Thinking back now -

Isn’t it weird that it was never mentioned by Bob again?

Isn’t it strange that there was no ring? Ever? Even when we did get engaged, I was never given a ring. He could afford a ring. If he had a big proposal planned, where was the ring??

Why would Bob book a ‘little B&B’? We lived in England, B&Bs were my worst nightmare - awkward small talk, shared bathrooms, bath soap with strangers pubic hair stuck to them. (Trust me, it’s happened more than once…)

Do we think that Bob made the whole thing up???

I think he did - to make himself look like a big hero, with the added bonus of making me feel guilty about ruining it.

Would love to know what you all think? (Am going to a school event, so will not be online for a few hours.)

Am I too critical of Bob, dear Bromos?

Situation - I went to run a bath. I see there’s a few slivers of white soap in the bath. I pick one up - it’s toenail clippings. Dirty big adult-man sized toenails. 🤮 in the bathtub. Ten of them.

I squealed and Bob wanted to know what I was squealing at. I said someone left disgusting toenail clippings in the bath.

Instantly defensive Bob says “They’re mine. You could have just picked them up. I don’t have AIDS.” (He’s a real gem.)

I said uh, no, am not picking those up.

Bob was angry and said “So? I clean up after everyone else.” (He doesn’t) and “how do you think I feel with all of your hair in the shower drain?”

He doesn’t clean the shower drain. Ever, I do. And hair falling off my head in the shower is a bit different to willingly leaving toenail clippings in the bathtub.

He then started ranting about how I am always criticising him.

I didn’t respond and just ignored him.

So Bromos, am I too critical of this from man child?

As you all know, Bob has been unemployed for ten months now.

He has had THREE job interviews. Three.

I asked him to get a temporary job (call centre, hotel reception, ANYTHING) and he’s picked the most menial, most manual job (builder’s assistant- job normally given to teenagers) to tell me he’s looking for. Because he knows he won’t get that job.

So Bob has not applied for any temporary jobs. Bob has not applied for ANY jobs this last week because he feels unwell. Yup. He can sit and scroll FB, but not job ads.

Bob asked me what will happen when we run out of savings and if we will “be out on the streets”. But has made NO move to get a job.

My wage covers all of our bills, but not the mortgage or anything else that pops up. I can maybe scrape the school fees together if I’m very careful.

Today my tyre blew (bye bye $200) and we had to can an electrician out for an urgent repair. Bob THEN asks the electrician to do a few little jobs around the house. Jobs that can wait. Jobs we don’t need to be paying someone $150 AN HOUR for. So I had to step in and tell the electrician no. Bob was all ‘sadz’, and said it would save us money in the long run. Like, where do you think this money is coming from, you fucker?? Our rapidly depleting savings, that’s where it’s coming from.

So now I’ve realised that I’m DEPENDING on Bob to get a job and save the day. Fuck that.

I’ve called the bank and arranged to stop mortgage payments for three months. It will hurt my credit report, but at least it gives me time. I’ve called the school and arranged a payment plan for next term. That was humiliating.

And I put my resume into another local hospital yesterday and they have already called me for an interview. I work 4 x 10 hour nights a week already, but will have to pick 1 or 2 more up a week to get the mortgage paid when my grace period is up.

When I told Bob he just looked downcast and Sadz again. No fucking effort to get his own job.

Bromos, I’m SO freaking angry. I can ask him and ask him. And he will just lie and paint himself the victim.

I can’t even kick him out because a)he will go insane and b) I need him to be home when I’m at work. Even if he does less than a babysitter would.

I’m tempted to tell him that we still have to pay one more months mortgage and the school payment upfront, take that money from the savings and stick it in my own secret bank account.

Maybe he would have some incentive when he can SEE the savings is almost empty?? Not that he checks the bank account, because it ‘upsets’ him.

So, I am getting a second job. And still doing all of the active kid stuff and house work.

In ten months he’s fed the dogs. Twice. But didn’t bother feeding the cat and the fish. He’s emptied the dishwasher maybe twice a week. If that.

He might be depressed. But if was single and depressed he would have to get up and provide for himself. Right now he’s just taking advantage of me.

Give me strength!

I know I probably won’t have a choice here, but curious to know how much damage pausing mortgage repayments does to future financial applications?

My husband was made redundant 10 months ago and even though he had a decent redundancy package, between regular bills, a car accident, a sick dog, kids, etc, we are down to our last $18,000. And you know, it’s been 10 months on one income.

My wage covers most basic things, except the mortgage, school fees, and any unexpected bills that pop up.

Our mortgage is $3,200 a month. If I move to interest only payments it will drop to around $2,100 a month. Better, but I still can’t pay that.

I plan to call the bank tomorrow and ask to pause mortgage repayments for a few months, but hoping someone could tell me what the repercussions would be?

If in the future I try to refinance, will I be rejected because I’ve paused my mortgage repayments?

Let me preface this by saying that I do not want to have sex with Bob. The idea makes me nauseous.

But - when Bob was off on his little speech about visiting his doctor (it was long and off in tangents and round in circles), he mentioned his erectile dysfunction (has low testosterone, also a complication of his poorly managed diabetes etc) and said “I know that part of my life is over, I’ve accepted that.”

Now, Bob and I haven’t had sex in over two years, and for a year before that was me initiating. Not because I wanted Bob so badly (sex was terrible), but I was trying to throw my all into the marriage. You know, when you go through the stage of ‘deciding to be happy’ and trying to act like it’s a normal marriage. (Then you reach the stage of realising the whole thing is a fucking sham.)

Anyway, obviously *I* haven’t had sex in two years. Bob is over ten years older than me. I’m in my mid forties.

And….. I guess that’s it? According to Bob, sex is finished forever?

There has been absolutely no consideration or talking about MY needs. None. Zip. Zilch.

Lots of talk about how Bob fees like less than a man. But not a whisper about how I might feel.

Like I said, I do not want Bob to touch me. I’m just incredulous that my needs don’t factor in at all. I’m in my 40s and now my sex life has ended. And it’s not even a discussion.

Every time I think to myself that I’m overreacting about my ‘marriage’, I realise that healthy, normal marriages couldn’t possibly be this shit.

I want to leave Brisbane before the shitshow that will be the Olympics.

(There are other reasons, but also my youngest finishes high school in 2031, so I’m using that as my date)

My plan is to put the house on the market around 2030, and just rent until school is finished.

Is it worth waiting until the end of 2031 to put my house on the market? House prices are already ridiculous, do we think they will get even higher? (God, that sounds really greedy, doesn’t it?)

Bobs normal doctor is away, so he saw a new family doctor for his Xanax refill.

Oh boy, did Bob have a great time!! Someone new to listen to his Victim Story!!

New Doctor told Bob that he is severely depressed wants Bob to wean off the Xanax and try therapy.

Bwahahahaha.

Bob made me clear my schedule and sit down to gravely discuss Poor Bob. And then we had a two hour conversation where I tried to Grey Rock and Bob went off on tangents and then around in circles.

It started with Bob saying that his doctor wants him to do therapy, what do I think? And ended with a Bob demanding to know if I will support him during his unemployment. Like, WTF dude? I’ve been supporting you for the last 20 fucking years, now I have to pledge my support?

He managed to throw into the conversation about how me not picking up his dirty underwear made him feel. Yup. The manipulative fucker.

Bob was all sad and downcast and looking at me with tears in his eyes. I asked him how he will manage his aggression with no Xanax. OMG Bromos, did his pitiful expression change so fast. He instantly narrowed his eyes and told me he wasn’t aggressive, how could I be so horrible to say that?!? I said that he was aggressive and gave examples. He went from sad to smirking, because I dared to not give him 100% of my pity.

Bob initially told me that he told the doctor he didn’t feel suicidal. SUDDENLY he said “oh, don’t worry about me. I have ‘plans’.” I asked him once what his ‘plans’ were, and he looked at me and smirked and told me they were private.

Yeah, I wasn’t playing that game. I went back to grey rocking and Bob went back to looking oh so sad and downcast.

The conversation ended with Bob demanding I pledge my support and him asking if I really loved him (yet again, he didn’t mention that he loves me, because that’s not important.)

I am just so …. tired.

I’m sick of the lies and manipulation. I’m sick of the nastiness and Bobs smirking.

On IG someone asked women when they knew their marriage was over, and one woman commented “When I realised that he wasn’t on my team.”

Honestly, I don’t think Bob has ever been on my team. It’s always been about Bob.

And now he wants $220 a pop therapy sessions? He’s been to therapy before and just used it to find ways to manipulate me. And we don’t HAVE the money. He’s unemployed.

Ugh. I hate it here.

No, I hate it here with HIM. Otherwise it’s great.