r/breakingmom

I really hate my life right now. Its been 5 years and I have an 11 month old so there’s no end in sight. My almost 5yo has ADHD so he’s at the functional level of a 3yo maturity wise. I’m tired if everything. I no longer want to wake up. I’m sick of going to the same zoo the same museum the same playgrounds the libraries. People say ”oh just involve your kids in the things you love” and I do but it sucks because they’re kids and do wha kids do. I’m tired of making snacks and feeding everyone 1000 times a day, of wiping b and boogers and being coughed on and shitty sleep and all of it! My house used to be so beautiful and so stylish and its grubby as hell, my couch is trashed, theres always a stain somewhere, things always turned over, strewn all over the place NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I PICK UP AFTER THEM AND MAKE THEM DO IT TOO.

Who is actually enjoying this season of life?! HOW? Why? My 4yo won‘t ever shut up and is currently in the phase of stating the very obvious over and over again and my 11mo refuses to be anywhere but on me all the time.

Please tell me I’m not alone? I’m drowning.

Going for this flair because it seems to be most accurate for how I'm feeling.

Got my daughter's diagnosis today. My gut knew it was ASD. I thought level 1 and things would be okay. Nope, level 2. I've cried a bit. Because I'm relieved and validated but at the same time I'm mourning the life she could've had. I know it's not the end of the world. I know we can put things in place to help her succeed which is all I want for her.

How do I do that when my ADHD makes it virtually impossible to keep my shit together? How do I support her while she's dysregulated while I'm dysregulated? How do I not fuck her up even more.

I hate that her life is going to be harder. I didn't want for her what I went through. I didn't want the challenges that I had.

And I know this isn't who she is. She is my amazing little human that has this going on and that's not all she is. How do I do this?

The good news is we already have speech in place and that's where she's lacking the most. She can talk but it's super surface level which I didn't even realise until it was pointed out. How did I not notice that?

Fuck this shit. I just wanted my kid to have a better and easier childhood than me.

Edit:
I am certain my daughter is not telling a tale or anything of the sort. She has a wild imagination, she’s 6. She pulls all sorts of crazy stories out of her little noggin. This is not that.

———

Recently my 6 year old daughter informed me that her grandmother (her dad’s mom, who has been the main person I’ve trusted to watch my daughter throughout her life) used to let her “breast feed” every night she would sleep over. The conversation/s were much more lengthy and involved than that. But I did my best to ask without leading. Ask if there were clothes on. Where it happened. How often. Why. When did it stop. Everything.

What I understand is that her grandmother would expose herself to my daughter and ask her if she wanted “it.” To go to sleep? To soothe? I don’t know. It makes me feel sick, genuinely. When I asked if it was just once, my daughter responded with “No, MILLIONS! All the time. Any time I spent the night with her.”

Her 76 year old grandmother encouraged her to suck her naked breast regularly. I asked her why/when it stopped, she said one day when she was three or four (she can’t remember exactly, but she says she wasn’t a baby anymore, and she could talk) grammies said “noooo, i don’t think your mommy and daddy would like this very much.”

So she stopped when my daughter was able to articulate and communicate clearly.

I guess I’m looking for other parent’s opinions on this. Her dad refuses to see it as a big deal (it’s his mom….) He says she was only trying to be nurturing. My mom thinks I should report it.

I want to make it clear that my daughter has not been to her grandmother’s house since. And will not be left alone with her again.

I don’t mean the whole “just take 15 min a day” type of hack. I mean cheats, like what toilet bowl tablet does a good job so you don’t have to scrub or what odor absorber you throw into the dirty clothes basket. A magic bathroom spray you don’t have to scrub the walls after you apply? Do these things exist?

Does anyone have any lazy cleaning or freshening cheats?

Mine doesn't. He kinda just floats around here.... I'm keeping this a short post b/c I'm tired of thinking. But Man, if he had a hobby, something to chill himself. He's got time. I don't, you know, b/c kids.

My 5 month old doesn’t cry when other people carries her. At what age does a baby develop attachment to their mother?

I’m afraid she will get more attached to my MIL since she took care of my baby for almost a month (from the moment she got out of the NICU to when we got discharged). Though now, I breastfeed her, carry her, change her diapers and hold her when she cries and cosleeps with her. My MIL visits once a month and stays for like a week and during her visits, she plays with my baby and she only gives me my baby for feeds.

I don't think I could handle coming home from a shift at work and still handling 100% of the housework, baby care, cooking, and admin tasks, while my husband sits there and plays video games.

I wish people would stop making it seem like sunshine and fucking rainbows all over social media. I would go back to work if I didn't KNOW I'd be coming home to everything left for me to do that I already do as a SAHM

Lol. Just lol. I told him if he wanted that then he should have worn a condom or got his dick snipped. I haven't been alone or had a break since our son was born.

Keep in mind, he literally has been sitting at his computer for roughly 3 hours. Since coming home from work all he's done is play with our son while I cooked for about an hour, then I resumed baby care, got him to bed, and cleaned up. I don't mind because I'm home with the baby all day, but I'm kind of enraged that he thinks he can just hole away in his computer room all night and not be interacted with, because getting to sit on your ass apparently isn't enough. It's also just an unreasonable fucking request when you have a baby.

He said this because I told him to get off of this one video game that he rages at whenever he plays (punching shit etc). Then he complained that I nag him, take up all of his free time and that he doesn't even like me. Keep in mind, this man also has gone out the last 3 nights with friends.

He's just mad he's not unemployed any more and I'm not paying his way anymore, like I did for over a year before I gave birth 😂 yeah, now you have a big boy job and don't get to sit on your ass all day while I do everything. Yeah, you don't get to sit and play videogames for 8 hours while I work. Poor you!

My child is 17 months old and I recently put her in daycare because I just couldn’t do it anymore being a SAHM. She’s only in part time but I genuinely am feeling like I need to put her in full time because I dread being off of work and being home alone with her. When she’s with me all she does is cry and it makes me feel like absolute shit. She’s teething and becoming more verbal so it’s all developmentally appropriate I’m sure but it’s just so hard to be screamed at all day over every single thing.

I feel miserable and i wanted so badly to like being a mom and j thought id like the toddler phase because the newborn phase was such hell for me but clearly that’s not the case

I am so fucking irritated right now, as my husband has been moping around saying he has to “do so much” after I told him YES you need to do basically 2x because I can’t…physically I cannot. He’s like “can’t you just show me that I am appreciated? I feel like you don’t care about me at all” Like please shut the fuck up I am extremely hormonal and pissy and I have no time for your whining as I’m trying to prepare myself mentally for GIVING BIRTH. Sometimes you just have to do more while your partner does less, it’s not always 50/50 100% of the time. Why do men always make it about them??? I STG

So, I know babies don’t develop certain social tendencies for while, everything I’ve read says that…

BUT. My daughter has been socially smiling for about a week now. She’s very good natured, and vocal/interactive when she’s awake. It’s much earlier than what I remember my younger siblings doing. She doesn’t have gas issues though, and smiles in response wben I talk or sing to her. So I’m led to believe the smiles are intentional.

Within the past few days now, she’s also been “laughing” in her sleep. She’ll smile then give out a few things that sound like laughter. She also did it while awake today, I had been attacking her with kisses and she was smiling, then started to do her weird little chuckle attempt after each round of kiss attacks.

Everything I’ve looked up says it’s not possible, but I’m just curious if anyone else has had their baby do this? I laugh at everything, and I’m wondering if this got passed down and somehow ignores typical behavioral milestones LOL

It is so gross and I do not have the money to pay anyone (and who would I even call). I do not know why it is overwhelming to me to figure out. Is it something I can do myself without making a complete mess/disaster?

I have a so called husband, who was all great before the baby came into our lives. He treated me with more respect than he does now. When I was one month postpartum, he left to a different city - 7 hours away - for work. I was alone with two dogs and a baby for one month and a half. We constantly fought, and he ended up telling me I’m crazy and the way I’m talking to him was making it look like I’ve been using drugs.

To this day, he undermines me, calling me a bad mother. When he’s home, he is always on his phone watching things rather than being with his daughter. I cook, clean, do the dishes, laundry, take my dogs out, feed our daughter, play with her, etc. the only thing I don’t do is make breakfast for him and he’s upset about that. If I make him food when he is mad, he doesn’t eat it. When I stop making it, he says that I don’t do anything. I can never win. He says that I’m a bad wife and that I don’t do anything around the house. He calls me “mother of the year.” He also always stops talking to me or becomes very rude and hostile when I give him “sass” or “attitude” or if I don’t listen to him.

Recently, for almost one week, he hasn’t talked to me, he would go to another room and close the door on my daughter and me. The only thing he does is during the weekend, he feeds our daughter when she wakes up early in the morning so I can get sleep. I’m heavily sleep deprived and at the end of the day, he asks me how am l tired when I’m at home all day just attending to our daughter, while he works in construction and deals with a lot.

Oh and to add more to the plate, yesterday, he left to the same city again and hasn’t messaged me or even called to check in on his daughter. I dont know what to do anymore. Today, my daughter fell asleep at 9 pm and woke up right when I put her in her own crib. She did not fall asleep until 11:30. I kept yelling at her to go to bed and I feel so guilty. I feel so bad because she doesn’t know what’s going on. She just wants to be with me because it’s all she has. I feel like a bad mother.

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice as to what to do.

My daughter is 8 almost 9 and says she has no friends. She is very shy and has anxiety, she’s also possibly autistic but we are on waitlist for evaluation.

She only had 1 friend in her class and she came home sobbing today because the kid in her class wouldn’t let her play with them during recess.

I feel like she has friends but because she’s so anxious and possibly autistic she just has a hard time connecting to other kids, she will kind of hyper fixated on her ONE friend. She has some friends in the neighborhood and other friends in other classes.

She has a different friend at school that’s in another class and is VERY outgoing and friendly but my daughter is too nervous to walk up to her to ask if she can play. Would it be weird if I texted the kids mom and asked her if she could mention something to her daughter about looking out for my kid at recess. She’s so quiet and shy she gets overlooked- not because the kids are mean but just because they are distracted playing. I’m on speaking terms with this mom and she’s super sweet- I just don’t wanna come across weird and make her daughter feel obligated to play with mine. Though they have had play dates and went to each others parties.

She has therapy tomorrow so I am sure I’ll get some support then, I’m just really sad because my daughter is actually so funny and vibrant at home and I know she’s a great friend.

I kind of feel like I regret having kids. They are 6 and 4. Not because I don't love them. I do. And they do give my life purpose. And I'm sure that I would regret it if I didn't have them. But, the one thing I couldn't predict ahead of time was my child's temperament. And as it turns out, I got the short end of the stick.

My 6 year old child is unimaginably difficult. To the point where my hubby and I have joked that if she were kidnapped, she would be returned by the kidnapper within 24 hours. She's that awful. It's not her fault. It's genetics mostly, combined with some other stuff I may or may not have been able to prevent. She's a cancer sign. Highly sensitive person. EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL. Like, off the charts. Bipolar-like. Angry all the time. Moody. Freaking out, whining and meltdowns are the norm every single day.

My mental health has completely and totally and entirely deteriorated beyond repair in these last 6 years. I'm a literal shell of a human. I used to be fun. I used to be normal, happy, ambitious, fit, healthy. Thriving. Then I had her and my life flipped upside down. If she were an average child I would be totally fine..I loved motherhood and didn't mind the chaos and sleepless nights I was thrown into.

But it's her impossible temperament that's ruined the dream for me. I really sob, grieving the experience I wanted but never got. I am seething with jealousy anytime I see someone talk about how easy going their child is. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. No idea how lucky you are. Every single part of my day with her is a struggle from morning to night. Nothing goes smoothly. If it's not her freaking out about something, it's her fighting with her little brother and making him scream. It's all just struggle after struggle, every single day. I've tried everything under the sun, except meds, to help her and that's going to be my next move...

I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood at all. I cannot keep my cool. I spaz out on a regular. My nervous system is shot. I'm constantly in fight or flight. Constantly repairing after losing it again. I don't even recognize myself. I'm beyond burnt out. Beyond.. no amount of breaks can fix this. It's just my life. The only thing I can do is carry on. The only way is through. I have a regular therapist. It doesn't really help other than someone to vent to every 3 weeks.

*Spoiler* There's a scene in the end of the movie "if I had legs I'd kick you" where the main character just keeps charging into the ocean into the crashing waves while screaming. But the ocean keeps spitting her back out onto the shore. I feel like that's a literal analogy for my everyday life. I feel like I'm just screaming into a void.

I'm dreading the teenage years so much because of how these years are. If you throw hormones and puberty into the mix it's bound to be bad... I'm probably going to experience every single possible thing that can go badly with teens. I feel like this is some kind of karma for something I did in a past life. Idk

. Like I said, I truly do love my daughter and she has her moments that redeem her. But it's just so much bad with so little good. Hence the regret... :(

I just hope that one day it's all worth it.

On my local Facebook mom group I'm seeing more and more posts and comments by people who identify themselves as teachers or school staff (always anonymously of course) describing behavior I could see my AuDHD son displaying and blaming parents for it and telling us that bad behavior starts at home and to "do better".

I have spent years and years trying to "do better". Blaming myself. Convincing myself that if I just parent better all his problems would disappear. Knowing absolutely nothing about ADHD or autism and even less about the combination of both because no doctor ever brought it up. Slowly learning and finding resources all by myself with zero support or guidance . Getting on wait-lists for therapies and evaluations. Getting him diagnosed, finding the right treatment--which isn't fucking easy by the way--to getting him on an IEP and trying to figure out the best supports. Trying to suss out what is right and wrong for kids like my son--often with conflicting information. Figuring out what is good information and bad information. Trying to advocate for my son but trying to keep an open mind and not be *too* pushy because I'm never sure if I'm working with the right information or assumptions.

He's on medication that I review with a psychiatrist every three months to make sure it's doing what it's supposed to do. He goes to therapy. OT. Speech therapy. He's on an IEP. He has rules and expectations at home. He's still brazenly neurodivergent. Weird, I know. But I'm a parent that fucking cares, okay? And I'm tired of being painted as someone who doesn't give a shit by people who can't be bothered to understand or care about neurodivergence.

And yes I'm very pro teacher/education. I don't need *anyone* to come in here and lecture me on how hard teachers have it. And I believe there are genuinely shitty parents who just don't care out there. Teaching is a fucking nightmare these days and I know that teachers aren't getting the support they need. I extend all the grace their way. I just hope the grace is mutual because I'm tired of my son being demonized and scape goated over his invisible disabilities.

I should have learned my lesson last year when my husband procrastinated on installing our AC units and left me to get heatstroke during a 105° heatwave while he worked in an air conditioned office. But I didn’t.

So here we are, our second heatwave of the year. In my mind, it’s still too early for ACs to be installed because I want to capitalize on the cooler days to have the windows open. But after the first heatwave earlier this spring, I told my husband that we needed to get one of those standing fans for my office because it is a tiny, closet-like room with zero airflow or ceiling fan and you can feel the 5-10° difference by just walking out into the hallway. I am also historically intolerant of the heat and am currently pregnant. He said he was on board, just find one and we’ll talk about it. I looked online because I wanted one of those quiet, standing fans that oscillate (I’m on calls all day) but according to him, $50-70 is too much.

We’re in heatwave number 2 now and it’s currently 90° in my office. In a desperate attempt, I look on marketplace. Someone has a fan similar to the style I’m looking for. $25 cash, can be picked up now, 2 miles away. I go to my husband and say, “hey, this guy has a fan like the expensive ones we looked at but significantly less. Are you cool with me buying it and would you be willing to pick it up today for me since I have meetings for the rest of the afternoon?”

Here’s where he went from being annoyingly frugal to rage-inducing cheap. First he asks, “you really want this?” I remind him I’ve been talking about getting a fan for weeks. Then he asks, “and you want me to pick it up for you?” Well yeah… I’m dying in here and have back to back meetings for the rest of the day. “So this is the one you want to get?” Well it’s the only one available at a price you’re willing to pay. And it’s local. But I’d rather buy a new one. And the questions start to repeat themselves over and over with the only break in the repetition is him saying “I don’t see why you can’t just use one of the box fans from the garage.”

Eventually I just stormed out saying no I don’t want the fan and I don’t want him to get it so just forget I even brought it up. But, of course, that was met with a “what? I was just asking!”

For someone who hasn’t worked for the last 7 months and is dragging his feet on actually submitting for his unemployment payments, he has some pretty big opinions when it comes to me wanting to spend a small bit of the money I bring in on my own comfort.

My asshole husband who I am trying to leave from took my daughter’s dog tonight and she was in extreme distress for 30 minutes. She is not ok, it was very traumatic for her. She said she thought he was taking it to kill it since he does crazy things when he is mad at me. She is a teen. My heart is broken, she has bad anxiety, has been in therapy for a long time, but we stopped a little while ago. He kept telling me to stop talking when I told him she was asking him to leave her alone.

My ex and I have been separated for about 5.5 years. Since the separation, I have had my son full-time while my ex has had him every other weekend. For a long time, I didn’t want to file for child support because I was comfortable with our agreement outside of court, that he have him every other weekend. I was also scared to file because he had made it very clear to me that if I filed, he would fight for custody. He really, really doesn’t want to have to pay child support. There is a pretty bit income disparity between us as he’s making about 3x what I make. A couple of months ago, I gave him a friendly heads up that I am probably goin to file for child support. He immediately responded with a nasty text about all of the things he thinks I do wrong as a mom, and in a roundabout way, calling me a bad mom. A few weeks later, I filed for child support. The following week, I got a letter in the mail that informed me he has filed for 50/50 custody.

Here’s the thing, if he would have truly wanted half custody 5 years ago when we split, or even 4 years ago, I would have definitely considered it and probably agreed to it. However, for a fact, he is only doing this because I filed for child support. He has made that very clear to me in the past and I even told the case worker at FOC when I filed last month that he was going to fight me for custody for doing that. Sure enough, I was right. He didn’t even wait more than a week. To me, it isn’t in the best interest of our child if he only wants half custody after 5 years because he is retaliating and trying to lower his child support calculations. There have been no changes in circumstance- no new job, no big change of income, no move, nothing.

Now he is also saying that I am not capable of taking care of our son. For 5.5 years, he never had any complaints about my parenting, it was very peaceful and amicable.

I don’t know what to do or where to start, because I feel that this is just his way of controlling the narrative, I truly don’t think he wants our son half of the time, because the entire time we have been separated, he has only gotten him every other weekend and never asked for extra time in between. I don’t want to go to court looking like the parent who is trying to keep their child from the other parent, but considering the circumstances, I really do not want to agree to 50/50 just for his financial reasons.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? I went from years of comfortable co-parenting to now having my character as a parent attacked.

We are in a phase right now where my 7yo has to wait an hour while the 6yo does karate before his class starts. One of the other kids in a similar situation brings his iPad and whenever he is here my son is completely attached to this kids shoulder the entire time. When this kid isn’t here, my son will chat with me or read a book he checked out from the library. It’s making me irrationally annoyed. No issue or judgement whatsoever about this other kid having his iPad, it’s just that the way its mere presence in the room affects my son makes me so sad.