u/st0dad

I know it's innocent and it's because he doesn't yet NEED a name for me, but it still sucks.

He is 14 months old, and just yesterday he brought me a framed photo of his father and said "idda Dadda?"

I was so excited! Yes! Dadda!! Then I grabbed another photo of his grandfather. "Who's this?"

"Nuh-Nuh-Nuh." Nannu. Yes!!!

A photo of his grandma. "Yaya." Yes!!!

A photo of his auntie Treva. "Ehnna?" Yes!!!

A photo of Biggie the Cat. "Eemee!" Yes!!!!!!!!

A photo of me. "........."

I ask who's that? Silence. "I'm Mamma," I explain. Still nothing.

Well, okay. I'm a SAHM and he never needs to ask for me, never goes a moment without me unless I'm in another room, but any noise he makes will bring me right there. Do I have a name? Do I need one? He guesses not.

But I'd like one! Ffs, even the mail man has a name. When we hear the truck approach he goes "Mahman?" And we go outside to wave.

And out of everyone my son knows, I love him the most. I think this hurts me more than it should because last night, the baby wanted Dadda, and Dadda treated this like a burden. He held his son up in the air, and while his son laughed that wonderful baby laugh, I swear to fucking God it took every ounce of this man's strength to NOT roll his eyes. (He's going through a depressive episode so I'm trying to give him grace but my empathy has its limits)

Why does HE get a name and not me? Why is my son carrying around a photo of a man who barely shows him attention? "Idda Dadda! Dadda. Dadda."

Mamma is over here! I'm Mamma. 😔

Every Sunday I take my 14 month old son and we go to my dad's condo. It's by the beach, and Dad sits in the sand with his wife and a gaggle of old lady neighbors.

They are quite fun most of the time, and LOVE my son. He's a very good natured, happy little boy who loves people and the beach.

But do not take him from me.

He doesn't like being away from me and I never discouraged this. I remember having independence sorta forced on me, as well as a lot of unwanted touching by the elderly, when I was a kid. I won't put my son through that. If he wants to be held by you, he'll reach for you. If you pick him up and he reaches for ME, I'm gonna take him. If I leave and I hear him cry, I'm back over there in a second. It's just how I am, and I want my baby to know I'll be there if he needs me.

The old ladies always make comments about how my baby is "attached at the hip." Like I get it, attachment style parenting wasn't the norm when they were new moms, and they are VERY proud of the fact that they were working moms, but I feel like the good attitude of my boy would suggest that I'm doing something right.. right??

Last week, while the little man was distracted by my sister, I went to swim in the ocean. I wasn't gone long. I took a dip and decided I wanted to join son and sis with their stuff (she was making sand castles for him to wreck.)

This one lady, Diane, stopped me and said I didn't need to go back so soon. Son is fine, I can stay in the water. But then he heard me and began to whine a little, so I said I wasn't going to leave him to cry.

"Well, you want him to be independent," Diane tells me.

HE'S ONE, DIANE. HE'S A DAMN BABY. Babies are dependent on their parents. He doesn't know how to speak coherent sentences yet, so if something is wrong he can't tell me. I want to be nearby.

Then another lady, Sheila, once saw me pull him away from getting too deep in the water. She told me I should let him go, and it's okay if a wave knocks him over. "It's good for him to have a healthy fear of the ocean."

SHEILA. NO IT ISN'T. HE'S A DAMN BABY!! He doesn't need to fear the sea! I will make sure he's safe. When he's older I will instill in him respect for the ocean, without making him fear it. You can do one without the other.

Sometimes I get worried that I'm overdoing it on attachment theory. I can't go to the annual gem & mineral show at the end of the month by myself because my husband worries the baby will be inconsolable the whole time. I rarely get even 5 minutes by myself. Then I look at that baby... and I see a happy, curious, confident little human that everyone has only good things to say about, and I feel good in my choices once more.

SO STFU DIANE!

He's racist. A bigot. An edgelord. He thinks therapy is a waste of money because he was forced into it as a teen and said he realized "I'm not the problem, everyone else is r*tarded"

When he told me that, I said "if we're all stupid and you married me, what does that make you?"

He replied "a r*tard fucker, how do you want me to respond lol"

He watches police bodycam videos that make him increasingly angry. Always black people and he makes some comment about slavery. Or if it's of a woman, "cunt" is thrown around.

And lots of big man talk. Lady screams in cop's face, he says "put 2 in the chest already" or "if that were me I'd bash her head into the pavement."

Ugh. 🫩

My son and I got beat up by a wasp the other day and I asked him to grab some stuff at the store and admitted the pain ointment was for me since the baby wasn't that bothered. When he said "I mean you're not really a priority, hun." I said that hurt my feelings. Apology? Nah. He got mad.

He gets mad at me for getting mad at him. He feels attacked and victimized when I get upset at him. So man-pouting for an hour. Normally I just give in and apologize but I was beat up by a wasp and pain makes me mad... so I confronted him this time.

BAD IDEA. He storms out of the house. Comes back 20 minutes later and tells me if he hadn't left he would have exploded on me. Then tells me he hates that he's always the bad guy, nothing he does is ever good enough, no one appreciates him... all I did was say he hurt my feelings. Ffs.

I don't want him poisoning our son with his bullshit but I am a SAHM with no good career prospects, no profitable skills, no money to my name. We can't afford childcare as it is, I certainly couldn't afford it with whatever dead-end job I may find.

He has guns in the house and knows where they all are. He keeps a knife on him at all times. I don't love him anymore and I think he's bad for my innocent 1 year old. I also fear him slightly. I used to think he was all talk but I could be wrong.

So.... I'm stuck here. And I hate it.

My niece is 7 and is very anxious. For context she's the middle child of my brother and he's, IMHO, a bit of a dick.

Anyway, we were at my sister's house and she has an above ground pool. My niece, "Sally", has been in this pool before but she is scared to go in. She has many reasons. It's too deep. It's too cold. I'm scared. The stairs wobble. The edge is slippery.

I only have one child and he's 13 months old. I don't have much experience with 7 year olds but I know what it's like to be overtaken by anxiety even with the most simple of tasks. When I get stuck what I want is support and assistance.

So, while the other parents are shouting at her to stop being a baby, to just jump in, and while she starts to cry because the other kids didn't wait for her and started playing Marco Polo, I ask Sally if she'd like me to go in WITH her.

She nods.

I borrow a swimsuit from my sister (I didn't plan on going in) and I go to the ladder. I tell Sally to take as much time as she needs. She takes one step onto the edge and then jerks her foot back, "the edge is slippery!"

I say I won't let her slip and she can hold onto me. She takes the step and leaves her foot there, so I say "you took the first step! Great!! Keep up the momentum!"

Another step, she backs off. Then says she's scared. I keep offering assurance and there is no rush. She steps again, then goes onto the ladder. Stays there, tells me she's worried. We repeat this until she's about shin deep and half way down the ladder.

Then she holds onto me and my brother calls out, "St0dad. Pull her in."

Sally panics. I tell her I will not be doing that. I just spent the last 3 minutes telling her we're going at HER pace.

Eventually she tells me she's ready for me to let go of the ladder and we back up into the pool! I jump up and down while holding her and shouting "you did it! You did it!"

She enjoyed the rest of the time in the pool.

Later on, my brother said I shouldn't have coddled her. My husband said that I "played into her game" and "gave her the attention she wanted."

I don't think they understand anxiety, but I'm curious to know what other parents think, especially of kids around her age.

I noticed my son's upper front teeth looked wonky. Like, they looked chipped of an outer layer and the second layer was brown. I try to brush daily but I confess that consistency isn't my strong point. That said, I didn't expect him to get fuckin cavities before his teeth were fully out.

At his 1 year dental check up, I bring this up with the dental technician. She asks about his diet andq I explain he eats mostly natural food - berries, orange slices, chicken, and potatoes. I also tell her he gets the occasional treat like a donut hole and cheez-its. We still breastfeed. The tech says this is a good diet and to do my best to brush baby's teeth twice a day. He can also now have fluoride toothpaste; the kind they gave us is the kind that is safe to ingest.

Then she looks at his teeth. The demeanor changes. "Hmm. Do you breastfeed him at night?"

Yes.

"He has weak enamel, looks like it deteriorated. Hmm. Wonder why it's only the top teeth."

I ask if this might be something genetic? "No. You shouldn't be night feeding. The sugars in breastmilk promote plaque build up."

I thought that wasn't true... she says it is. But she brought up a good point, why only the top teeth? She doesn't know.

The solution to this issue is SDF - Silver Diamine Fluoride. It will kill any bacteria causing tooth decay and strengthens the remaining enamel. Nice. It has to be done every 6 months.

The downside, she explains, is that it discolors the affected areas. His teeth will turn a little gray. "If the decay gets worse we would remove the teeth but he's too young for the medicine we use to numb the areas. It's a shame, since he'll have these teeth for a long time."

With a little head shake, that is the last thing the dental tech willingly offers up to me. We sit in silence while waiting for the dentist to come and do the SDF procedure.

I try to get more information out of her. Could this be caused by something in utero? I heard that trauma while pregnant can affect tooth development.

"What trauma did you experience? It would have to be significant, I'd think."

"She had gestational diabetes," my husband answers.0

"Hmm. No, I've never heard of anything like that causing weak enamel."

Silence.

"Should we wean him?"

"No, but no more night feeds. Does he have a pacifier or are you his pacifier?"

"I'm the pacifier..."

"You can't be that anymore, hehe."

Finally, the dentist arrives. She doesn't speak a word to me, but I listen to the back and forth between her and the tech while they examine my son's teeth. "Possible hypoplasia," I hear. No one tells me what that means, but it sticks in my head. She applies the SDF, tells my son he's a cutie after he calms down (he didn't like people messing around in his mouth, who does?) And then she leaves.

We schedule the next appointment, and then we head home. I don't ask any questions, or make any comments. It feels like a walk of shame, you see. I didn't brush my boy's teeth enough. I didn't keep him on a strict enough diet. My boy is going to have gray spots on his teeth and it's all my fault. I'm also annoyed at how I was treated. Sure, they were nice, but they weren't supportive or all that helpful.

That night I go to brush his teeth with his new brush and new toothpaste... his top 4 front teeth are BLACK. Not gray, not in some spots, but ALL BLACK. I'm shocked and the guilt hits me like a truck. Omfg what a shit mother am I!

Husband attempts some comfort, says I couldn't have known this would happen and not to beat myself up. My mother in-law is confused, she never brushed her son's teeth twice a day as a baby because he hated it, and he didn't get cavities like this. My sister doesn't believe night feeds are the culprit and I should get a second opinion.

Last night, I'm lying awake in bed while my son seeks out some boob. I don't stop him but I worry how shitty I'm being... that word "hypoplasia" sticks in my head. I google it.

BROMOS. GUESS WHAT.

Hypoplasia of the enamel can be GENETIC. There's a high risk of it when the mother has GESTATIONAL DIABETES. AND YOU CAN PAINT THE SDF WHITE.

wtf. The tech mentioned hypoplasia to the dentist so she should have known ALL of that. But I did more research to see if breastfeeding at night can be associated with it. I found a study to see if night feeds cause cavities. It concluded NOT REALLY, NOT UNTIL THE CHILD IS 18 MONTHS OLD.

Neither the tech nor the dentist mentioned any of this to me, about the hypoplasia or assuring me the black can be hidden if it's bad. That is such bullshit to me. AND she was wrong about night feeds being the issue!

Definitely going to find a new dentist. That just makes me so mad.

In an earlier post I talked about how worried I was for a beach trip with my family. Basically my son is the new baby and all my nieces and nephews badger me about holding him. I didn't want to scold them because my brother is intimidating and hates when people "parent his kids."

Well, I had nothing to worry about in that department at all. This is the ocean we're talking about! They wanted to do their own thing. Instead I saw children acting like... gasp... CHILDREN.

And my brother and SIL just not handling that very well.

There is an arcade near the beach, which is where 5 year old "A" wants to go. He will not stop bringing it up. My brother walks up to my sister and me while we're setting up the tents (shade for the baby) and chairs and tells us they might leave and go home because A is "being an asshole."

Then I look over to SIL who is telling A that if he keeps it up they're all going to go home, and it will be his fault. HE'S FIVE!!!!

A goes to my brother to cry and he tells him to stop being a "whiny little baby" before he sits down in the chair my sister set out for him and plays on his phone.

For the remainder of the beach outing, brother and SIL ignore their kids unless it's to yell at them. My niblings act like kids, whine about sharing, tattle on each other. Yeah it can get annoying but omfg the swearing and threatening was far worse for what the kids were doing.

My sister and I spend the time playing with our children AND their children. We make sandcastles, we collect rocks, we boogie board.

I teach A how to skip rocks. OK, bad idea since he's 5... a bit later he chucks a rock right as his big sister, "L," runs into the water. Hits her shoulder and she immediately leaves in hysterics. "A threw a rock at meeeeee!"

My brother roughly grabs this little boy who's following his sister going "I said sorry!" And just loses it on him. I was right there with my 1 year old, so I pick the baby up and walk away because I don't want him around that. Then, my stepmother walks up and says "it was an accident!" And explains what happened.

Everyone calms down except A, who thinks his daddy hates him now. Brother is annoyed and we collectively decide we're gonna head back to my dad's condo to have lunch and go to the arcade.

I don't go because my baby is 1, but also I'm done with my brother's bad energy. So, my sister decides not to go either, but asks my brother if he can take her son. He says yes. She warns to keep an eye on him and he says "Have you seen my kids? Your son is easy compared to them. They suck."

DUDE THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN!!!

The problem is that my brother and SIL are not being strict, they're being reactive, because they are overwhelmed and exhausted from parenting 3 kids.

I try to give them grace but at the same time it's hard because it's a cycle repeating itself.

My brother is my mom. My mom was overwhelmed from raising 3 kids and working and keeping a clean house and dealing with my dad. I was afraid of her while growing up. I see my nieces and nephew afraid of my brother. They flinch when he stands up. They lean towards their mother and she ignores it. I can't tell if she's a victim of abuse or if she just doesn't care because she's plastered to her phone and rolls her eyes. Honestly they seem like a united front AGAINST their children, not FOR them.

Back to the cycle of abuse though... while I say "my mom wasn't mean, she was tired" I also remind myself that it didn't always excuse her actions. I was just a kid, being a kid. I wish someone would have stood up for me when my mom humiliated me or screamed at me.

My niblings aren't pushing buttons or acting up. They're just... being kids. I want to say something to my brother, warn him that if he doesn't calm his shit, his son will end up like me, a timid people pleaser. But I don't have experience with 3 children at once and we both know that, so... I stay quiet.

I just hope they'll be okay.

I was bathing my 1 year old in the kitchen sink. It's a big sink and my back hurts so kinda the best option. When it was time to rinse I used the snake faucet thing. Checked the heat, put it against baby's head, and began to rinse.

Baby WAS PISSED. Screamed and cried. I checked the heat again and the water pressure. My guess is maybe the sound bothered him? I had to do it though so I said "Sorry little man but I need to get the shampoo out of your hair!" And soldiered on. Baby cried and slapped my chest. I felt awful.

Then I felt PAIN. A sharp pain, on various points of my thigh. I looked down and there was my 20lb, one eyed cat, Biggie. He had attached himself to my leg and nipped me!

After a shake and a "JESUS, BIGGIE" he let go and then hopped onto the kitchen counter by the sink. I wrapped the baby up in his towel and took him to the nursery. Biggie followed like a friggin puma.

Once the baby was settled and we were back playing in the living room, Biggie seemed to calm as well.

But did he come to my son's rescue or something? Can a cat have such a bond with a baby? I used to joke that Biggie always thought my son was HIS son, but damn. That shocked me.

I am mother to a 1 year old boy and I live in a semi rural town. My dad is pushing me to get a dog. Like, every conversation. When are you getting my grandson a dog? You need a dog to protect the house from burglars. What if a bear charges you on a walk? Make sure it's a big dog. You need to get him a dog when he's young so they bond.

I am scared of getting a dog right now. Training a puppy AND a baby? Overwhelmingl! But also there is a fear of dog bites.

My baby is learning gentle pets and has been around big dogs. Catahoula leopard dogs, a German shepherd, a boxer, and a golden retriever.

The owner of the shepherd and leopard dogs has bark collars and trains them. They have crates. The most they've done is lick the baby, and the shepherd herded him in their yard once. The owners were very confident and told me they didn't see an issue with me getting the boy a dog.

My sister owns the golden and the boxer. Only basic training. No crates. Both very good dogs who also lick the baby and nothing more. BUT my sister is terrified of them being near him, even supervised. Dogs are still animals, she says. It only takes one bite to maul a child. Ignore Dad, wait until the kid is old enough and asks you for a dog.

I guess I'm looking for outside perspective. Anyone grow up with a dog? Or try to raise a dog with a baby? Any breeds that seem better with young children?

I want to mention I did own a dog for 15 years. He was a Chinese Crested and the best damn friend I ever had.

I love my nieces and nephews but omfg whenever my 1 year old and I go to any sort of event with the relatives, they want to hold him.

It was cute when Son was a newborn, or when he was a wee infant, but he's bigger now. My oldest niece is 11 and a peanut. She can't really hold him now, she just sort of hoists him by his armpits and he dangles. Same with my 9 year old nephew.

My other niece is only 7, and youngest nephew just turned 5. None of them is strong enough to hold Son, but they always ask and KEEP ASKING.

Last time we were all together was little nephew's 5th birthday.

Any nibling at the start: uhm auntie can I hold Son?

Me: I'm not comfortable with that, honey, so no.

Nibling: why not?

Me: he's bigger now and too heavy.

Nibling: no he's not! I'll sit on the couch and you can put him in my lap! I am strong! Etc etc

Me: I said no.

5 minutes later: auntie can I hold Son now?

Me: no.

Nibling: awww. Please?

Me: *ignores*

And after one kid asks, another tries their luck. So at least 9 times I'm asked if a kid can hold the baby.

The only adult who helps me fend them off is my sister who's the mom of the 9 year old nephew. But my brother and SIL, the parents of the other 3, either say nothing or go "they'll be fine!" without consideration of my or my baby's comfort. When they see the poor little guy awkwardly dangling from my niece's skinny arms they find it cute. I do not, especially when he starts to cry and I go to take him and she tries to stop me. Omfg.

That sends me into a rage when an adult pulls my upset baby from me, when a kid does it I short circuit!

Tomorrow we're all going to the beach and I am already on edge because I'm mad at my brother and SIL for not coming to Son's 1st birthday party. I stg if they don't keep their kids in check I'm gonna snap and then feel like a jackass.

New England is VERY hot and we hydroseeded late, like the first week of June. A landscaper friend did it unprompted as a gift to my son who was turning 1. I wanted him to have a yard he could play in!

Despite the heat wave this rugged grass GREW.

Although Landscaper said wait 6 weeks before cutting, by week 4 the grass was so long it began to mat and brown at the bottom. He gave us the go ahead to mow it.

But the little man is in his velcro phase and has a melt down if I leave the room, so my husband (who DOES NOT want to do lawn care) bore the task of mowing when it was time.

This morning it was hot and muggy, and wet from prior night rain. All my mother in-law (who lives with us) asked was, "when are you going to mow the lawn?"

Husband should have said "when it's dry, if I cut it now the grass might stick and tear."

But noooooo. He threw a tantrum. He stormed outside, said "time to go take care of a lawn I didn't fucking want in the first place", got the crappy, battery powered lawn mower, didn't attach the clippings bag, and didn't set the blades higher. He then SHAVED MY LAWN. 😫😭

I told him not to, the wet, tall grass was causing the motor to stall and it kept spitting up clippings. He just said "If the lawn is damaged then SHE can deal with it."

But she won't be dealing with it. I will be, because I'm hiring a fucking lawn care dude. I'm gonna pay someone to salvage the grass until my son is over the clingy stage and I can care for it myself.

My son just turned 1 and wants ONLY me. At all times.

He used to be happy to be held by my dad, his godparents, my husband. Now he wants none of them. Only I may hold him, and if I give him to someone he will begin to cry and reach for me.

I cannot pee alone, take a shower, or even turn my back to reach for something. Instant crying. The other day I went to the kitchen to grab a tissue and he followed me, crying, and actually had a breath-holding spell! He fainted when he got to the threshold of the kitchen!! I freaked out!

After that, I sat down with my husband and worried if I'm doing attachment parenting wrong? I said I want my son to feel secure that I'll always be there for him. I want him to know that I'll come back.

Husband said he can't know that I'll come back if I never leave in the first place... yes, baby and I are together 24/7 but I'm a SAHM. And the times I did ask husband to watch son so I could venture out on my own, he refused because he's insecure in his parental abilities.

I am not upset that my baby loves me and wants to be around me. I'm upset that I can't shower, or even pee by myself without my baby sobbing and banging on the door like he thinks I've abandoned him.

How can I get him to be okay with being away from me so he can enjoy spending time with his dad or his uncles and aunts? And I REALLY want to go to the dentist. Can't get my teeth cleaned while holding a 1 year old.

Because I second guessed myself. Like a weak, pathetic woman.

Last night my 1 year old was tugging on his ears and whimpering. I took that as teething discomfort and gave him infant motrin. Then we went to bed.

It was around 8PM, so I just fucked about on my phone, waiting for my own bed time. Around 10ish, little man began to fuss. I went to move him for a feed and felt how friggin hot he was.

He breastfed fine and I thought "he's hot, that's odd."

Who tf thinks that and doesn't follow up!? My dumb ass.

Then at 11:30 he woke up again. Groaned, whimpered and repositioned himself. I felt his forehead. Hot. I text my husband that I think our son has a fever. No response, so I assume he's asleep.

My husband and MIL love to claim they don't sleep at night. I thought, if husband is awake and ignores such a text he's a dick, but it went unread. Well now I don't want to wake him if he's finally getting some sleep! Should I get the baby more motrin? No, he's asleep. I shouldn't wake HIM up either, he'll be even more miserable!

We both dozed off and little man woke me up around 2. Still hot. Do I decide to do something? NO. I begin fucking SECOND GUESSING MYSELF.

Is this a fever or am I overreacting? Maybe it's a sunburn. We did play outside and I didn't reapply his sunscreen enough. Or does he only feel hot because I am cold? I'll set my ice cold arm flab on his forehead to soothe him. Last time we went to the ER at night for a fever, we sat in the waiting room for 5 hours and were told to just give him motrin. I already did that, didn't I?

We fell back asleep. I didn't do anything until fucking 5AM. Finally I was like "ok he's still hot, I'm gonna give him a fresh diaper and take his temp."

102.7°F!!!!!!!! THE FUCK KIND OF MOTHER AM I!?!?!?

Husband claimed he didn't sleep again, so I didn't have to worry about waking him up.

We went to the ER since urgent care and the doctor office weren't open yet. Little man threw up in the car seat. There's only one ER in this city and surrounding areas so it was packed even on a Tuesday at 6. We waited until the doctor's office opened at 8 and then told the staff we were leaving. They said good idea because the baby likely wouldn't have been seen for another few hours.

So at the doctor's, the poor baby took a gurgling, uncomfortable sounding, gelatinous poo. Second one of the day (the first was before I took his temp at 5) They tested him for flu and covid. Negative thankfully.

Doctor said this is likely a stomach bug, gastroenteritis. I've gotten that before and it sucks balls. My poor little man probably had stomach pains on top of his fever all fucking night and I didn't do jack about it because I was afraid of overreacting.

I feel so fucking terrible that I let my baby feel like shit for so long. We're home now with infant Tylenol and a pedialyte. He's asleep again but he's still so warm.

When will I learn? When will I ever trust my first instincts?? Why have I not gotten the mama bear attitude??? I feel broken, but not like someone broke me, but like I'm defective. I'm an r/defectivemom.

My husband put the frydaddy away with oil in it. My toddler opened the cabinet and happily splashed in the (old, therefore not hot) oil. Now his adorable little shorts are covered!

Then, of course, when I swore and pulled him away, he cried and demanded hugs. Now we are both covered.

What is the best way to get the oil out so this shirt I like and his new shorts aren't stained?