I saw this on another post. A guy said that for women in OPs age group (30s) it’s common for them to date for dinners. I’m in my 40s.

I legitimately don’t know any women who are doing this. I certainly don’t think it’s worth it and wouldn’t. Granted, that’s not to say that it never happens or that some women aren’t doing this. But this seems SO VERY unlikely and uncommon with how much women are complaining that dating sucks. Most dates I’ve been on are not great. I would never go through all that effort for “free” food.

But also, let’s not forget that some men are using dinner dates to solicit sex, so there’s that hypocrisy. It’s cool if they use dinner dates to get sex, but not cool if we use dating to get dinner (again, if this is even real), but I digress.

My theory is that men take women on dinner dates, the conversation sucks, the woman doesn’t want a second date, and he concludes that it was because she was looking for a free meal. Thinking he is a bad or boring date isn’t a possibility he can conceive of. Even if he has multiple first dates without a second. There’s no way he’s the problem.

Idk. Are any of you doing this? Would you? Do you know anyone who has?

I feel like men made this up.

ETA: sorry I post this stuff here and not dating sub. I always regret my decision if I post in other subs. Esp genderless.

As a single woman who spends a lot of time in predominantly male spaces (hobbies), I see a lot of these guys break character about their wives/gf’s and it makes me sad.

They’ll make a quick remark that shows their contempt towards her. One guy said “it’s not like SHE is going to do ANY of it” when he was talking about a project they might have to do around the house. He was telling me about her concerns and he was basically calling out that she wouldn’t be helping anyway so what does she care? A quick moment. But I feel like it reveals so much about the dynamic.

Or how they will disregard her to go do a thing they want to do. One guy told me how he’s going to have to tell his wife they’re not going to do a trip they planned because he wants to go do a trip with the guys instead. So he’s like, yeahhh. I’m gonna have to break it to her soon. He knows it’s going to disappoint her but he’s gonna do it anyway because he’d rather do the thing with his guy friends.

Another guy got back with his LTR girlfriend after a few months split up. We were hanging out (hobby) and before I knew they got back together he tells me he’s getting back with her and says “yeah, we’ve been talking…” in a very unexcited way. Go figure they’re about to break up again a year later. I knew back then when he made that remark that he wasn’t really into it. But he did it anyway and strung her along because she’s convenient and takes care of him.

And one couple I see frequently through this shared hobby. He’s decent and she’s just learning. He’s probably an intermediate level (as am I) and she’s very novice. But she enjoys it and is LEARNING. I’ve seen the looks he makes when she chooses a play that doesn’t make sense. He will roll his eyes and put his head in his hands like she’s sooooo stupid for doing it. It pisses me off FOR her. I’ve seen him do this across the room so many times (he doesn’t know I see it). And in this particular case, his wife confided in me that he’s pretty horrible behind closed doors too. She was talking about leaving him but didn’t. I get it. I was there too.

Like, maybe these small moments mean nothing. But maybe they are indicative of the reality of the relationship and I’m seeing it because they see me as an equal so they overshare (not entirely equal but you know what I mean). Or because I’m watching and observing men (after decentering relationships with them) and I’m seeing things other people don’t notice. Because other women friends will think these guys are the best husbands/partners. They’re not. At least in these specific situations.

Anyway. Not sure if any of you also notice this stuff. For added context, I was in an abusive relationship with a very manipulative man I left a few years ago. I’m fully admitting I can be hyper-vigilant. I don’t date anymore because most men exhibit characteristics that I’ve experienced before and I see a lot of red flags. I think it’s pattern recognition. Girlfriends will tell me “no one is perfect” but I don’t think I’m seeing things that are just “not perfect” but I’m seeing shitty men that are legitimately shitty. Anyway. Just venting into the void.

When it comes to the discourse around women who are currently in, or leaving abusive relationships, men (mostly) love to say, “but you picked him”.

I would like to set the record permanently straight on this:

WE DID NOT PICK HIM!

We picked the version of him he manipulated us to believe he was before he became abusive. Before he cheated. Before we knew he was lying (he was likely lying the whole time). Before we knew we were being manipulated.

People underestimate the ability of someone to maintain their mask until we are sufficiently trapped in the relationship. Whether that’s kids, moving in together, marriage, or believing we were in love because he love bombed us.

But there were signs.

Yes. There probably were signs, but not always easy to detect. We should not have to be part psychologist specializing in personality disorders like BPD or NPD, or be an adept private investigator in order to date men. But here we are. Often it’s not until after the kids are born that we see their true colors, and the abuse. And it’s usually slow and insidious. We are the frog in boiling water.

So why didn’t you just leave?

Because we were trapped in some way, shape, or form before the abuse/cheating started. Whether that’s the love bombing/trauma bond, kids, or our lives being completely entangled with theirs. We bet on a man who manipulated us and we got stuck. Leaving is not as easy as people make it out to be.

Stop asking us why we picked the wrong guy. Start asking why men are so fucking shitty and why so many of them are so violent towards women.

End rant. As my kids would say, TSPMO.

ETA: thank you all for sharing. This was cathartic.

I dropped my kids off at the ex’s house and saw him & his gf outside hanging out and it just put me out. He was very manipulative & abusive and I left him a few years ago. He moved on immediately (like abusers often do) and some days are just tough. Something will trigger me. Just seeing him can send my nervous system into a spiral. And it did.

So I texted my friends that I was having a bad day but didn’t say exactly why other than dropping the kids off with the ex. One of them assumed it was because I missed them so wrote a nice text about missing the kids. Of course I miss them but that wasn’t entirely why I had a bad day. The others heart reacted to her text and then moved on to a different conversation.

At this point, I’m not going to be an asshole and explain all that like “actually, it wasn’t just that, I saw the ex and blah blah blah”.

But at the end of the day, I was reaching out for support and don’t feel like I got any.

As an aside, I’m noticing this generally with more people in my life. I’ve reached out in the past when I’m struggling and people are so quick to make assumptions and offer advice or opinions without asking YOU a single question.

Feels like the only option to get someone to actually listen to you and unpack anything anymore is to pay them. Feels pretty defeating.

Sorry, another man rant. I started creating content for my hobby. A male acquaintance of mine who shares said hobby found it and started following me. He was liking and commenting on most (if not all) of my posts. Super supportive. And explicitly saying so “I’m here to support you” in my DMs.

(ETA: although quite a few times he offered unsolicited advice and I’m much better at this hobby than he is - I was polite but ignored the feedback. They really can’t help themselves. This happens to me a lot where guys I’m way better than offer up their take without me asking since my hobby is male dominated).

Anyway, he ends up asking me out. I thank him and VERY politely decline. Now guess who hasn’t liked or commented on a single post. You guessed it.

They really only like us when they think they have a chance to get in our pants.

And on a side note, I never gave him any indication I was interested in him in that way. I can tell by his demeanor now that he’s feeling put out by me saying I wasn’t interested in going on a date with him (I’m not interested in dating anyone tbh). He probably thinks he’s a “nice guy” too (he’s giving off that vibe). But like, I would never ask someone out without reading the vibe first. And it got me to thinking how much of the rejection that men feel like they’re facing (and blaming women for) is because they don’t read the room?

Again… Sorry for another man rant. They’re just really PMO lately.

Just a brain dump vent about a stupid man here because I can’t share with anyone else.

This guy I know at work said his wife was a bad alcoholic and her drinking was ruining their marriage. A few months later he shares with me how relieved he’s feeling because he finally left her. It took so much for him to do it (says him). He posted on social media that he left her, has a new girlfriend, and lied about what he does at work.

Anyway. just like clockwork, he’s dating someone new before the paperwork is even filed. They’re so in love of course. She’s his soulmate. They’re already moving in together. It’s been 6 months since the divorce?

Then recently he posted on social media that he’s been sober for a month. Good for him. But also? Wasn’t it your WIFE that was the bad alcoholic? Who YOU left? I’m sure it’s possible they were both alcoholics. But if she was so bad a you left her, why are you listed as the respondent on the divorce filing?

Anyway. Just another dude out there probably lying his ass off and playing like he’s the good guy when he was probably the whole problem. I never met his wife but congratulations on getting rid of that douchebag. And good luck to the new gal.

Seriously. Platonic or otherwise. Thanks to peri or SOMEthing…

I can’t tolerate the way they’ll offer advice on something I’m more experienced on and better than them at.
The way they’ll mansplain something to me.
The way they neg.
The way they don’t actually listen to us. The number of times I have to say “if you let me finish I’m getting there” when they ASK me to explain something but then proceed to not listen and interrupt me.
The way they don’t take us seriously.
I could write a list as long as the longest scrolls and I probably wouldn’t have enough room. I’ve barely scratched the surface.

I really don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tolerate a relationship with a man again. I can’t even get past talking to them without getting the complete ick.

That’s all. Sorry for the rant.

Just venting here because I don’t want to continue a conversation that started and keep having to explain myself. So just letting it go…

I was pretty traumatized from my abusive marriage. And when I did try to date after, it was a shit show. Lots of red flags, lots of manipulation and abuse tactics. I wasn’t in a good place at that time to date and dated way too soon. I realized this a couple years ago and got my shit together. Generally, the men who hit on me I can tell right off the bat they’re emotionally immature and unstable in some cases. I’m mid 40s too so most (not all) of the good men are still in relationships.

Anyway… So when I say “I’m done dating” because men have traumatized me, they say things like, “you just haven’t found the right person yet” Or “there is no perfect partner” or “you can’t carry the trauma into every new situation thinking it’s going to end the same way”.

So, I’m not even really looking. I’m very focused on myself right now, MY goals, and am happily single and doing great. But if I WAS looking, I’m not looking for “perfect” and never was. Also, I’m not carrying baggage. I’ve just gotten real good at pattern recognition. Identifying when it’s love bombing vs genuine interest.

It’s really starting to lowkey piss me off because I’m tired of saying I’m not looking for perfect. I can’t even find bare minimum not abusive, not manipulative, not psychopathic. And then, finding someone who isn’t looking for a mommy to take care of him but looking for a partner. It’s slim pickings. But they don’t seem to think so?

It’s frustrating because it feels along the same vein of “you need to lower your standards” which aren’t even that fucking high to begin with.

ETA: it all just feels super invalidating.

My ex-husband was sexually abusive for most of our marriage. Over 10 years. He did everything from sexual coercion in the early days which escalated to full-blown rape while I was passed out on multiple occasions. And tons in between. He fondled and assaulted me multiple times while I was sleeping. I told him to stop dozens of times over the years and he just gaslit me. He’d say things like he thought I was awake. Or he’d say he wasn’t trying to get off on me asleep and was trying to get me into the mood even though he would quickly pull away if I started to wake up. I tested him one night and pretended to stay asleep. Every time I pretended to fall back asleep, he would start molesting me again. And when I would pretend to slightly awake, he would pull his hands away. It was clear to me that he did not want me awake. He also (allegedly) did similar to my sister when she was living with us. According to her (not the most reliable source but…) he came into her room one night and had his hand up her shirt. He bolted out of the room when she woke up. Another night, after we had partied hard, she woke up without pants on (something that had been happening to me for years by him) and her son (around 11 at the time) told her that my ex was in her room while she was passed out and he asked my nephew to leave the room. I say allegedly only because my sister isn’t a trustworthy person. But her stories were very similar to my own so.

Anyway… Point blank, he’s a sicko.

Right before leaving him he admitted that he had seen this on porn and wanted to try on me (aka sleep content). He definitely never had my consent to do this and given his coercive history and our fights around sex and consent, he def should not have assumed I would consent to this. Several of these assaults I woke up feeling like I had been drugged. Around the same time I also found out he had taken naked photos of me without my consent. During the relationship, I found a passcode protected photo/video app on his phone. I couldn’t get into it. God knows what’s on there.

With the news of this rape academy, and knowing he had a passcode protected app that he probably stored those naked photos of me on, now I’m sitting here wondering if he had ever recorded me, and/or posted it. But also, the question that plagued me for years before I found out about this site is where does someone even FIND sleep (rape) content like this? Are there lots of sites/content like this? Or was he on this actual site and that’s where he got the idea from? And how to drug me?

All this news is so fucking triggering. It’s only been about three years since I left him (18 together). I’ve worked through a lot of this, and most things don’t trigger me as much, but this shit has me pissed off and wanting revenge all over again.

It just sucks watching someone who did this to you carry on their life as if nothing ever happened. Evidence that I do have is inadmissible in court due to two-party consent state law. The only way you’re going to get a rapist to admit they raped you is going to be by recording them without their knowledge. Because who would actually consent to be recorded and then admit to rape? I have text messages that are incriminating but not silver bullets. He did admit to the photos without my consent. But that’s about it. I’m past statute anyway so it wouldn’t matter. The irony that I would be violating his consent and could face charges by providing recordings where he admits to raping me is so crazy.

It just sucks watching this depraved disgusting excuse of a human walking free and no one gives a shit. Not his family. Not many of his friends. Hearing things like, “he’s such a good dad” because he posts pictures of their trips with him and his gf and her kids. Like one perfect little family. I thought about posting him on that namehim site but that thing is probably going to get taken down. It’s getting a bunch of garbage posts on it anyways.

Venting anonymously into the void since I can’t scream this from the rooftops as I share kids with this POS and you’re not supposed to badmouth the other parent.

I will be calling tomorrow to get back into therapy so please don’t suggest it.

ETA: i should mention that I am so thankful to be out of that. Most days are great days now. I’m happy and healthy and living a really good life now. But god damn this rape academy bullshit is triggering as fuck and I hate these men because holy fuck they are SO fucking depraved.