Man, you know what's crazy?
When your husband sends you sexy pictures, and you save them to your phone, but then you notice they're placed on a suspicious timeline in your gallery weeks ago. A time when you were in the trenches of dealing with sick children, and he was very much out of town for work.
Hm, now why would you be spending that day taking naked, suggestive pictures?
(ducks, ducks, ducks)
(A long-winded vent)
I pulled the trigger on divorce sooner than I'd have liked. I couldn't make it through one more "Marital Indecision Cycle," and trying to love someone who's shoved my trust into a metaphorical garbage disposal was taking a massive toll on my mental and physical health. I was becoming bitter, and I didn't want us to end on bad terms.
My husband didn't push back; the conversation was amicable, and I think we are both done with trying to make things work. I'm still going to consult with a divorce lawyer, but we're going to slowly untangle our lives over the next year. I hope he finds what makes him happy out there, because it sure as hell wasn't me or the kids. (he's still getting 50/50 though because fuck that bullshit)
I can walk away knowing I did everything humanly possible to fix this marriage. I read the books, did all the therapy to fix my personality, bent over backwards to be accommodating and understanding, supported him dragging me all over the country for his career, I fixed our sex life, stoked his ego, whatever he wanted I found ways to compromise to make it happen, I made sure to never ask for anything burdensome unless it was truly important. I truly, truly tried to see the light in everything. I worked with my therapist on every possible angle to talk to him about issues in our marriage, and I just couldn't get through the DARVOing or him being constantly stoned into a stupor. He came to couples therapy stoned and checked out; it was humiliating.
I can't be the only person trying to make this work; it's like canoeing with one fucking paddle, and when you ask for help, they get all offended at your tone and lecture you about how you really need to be paddling better. Bitch, help me!
Sometimes I think of my husband as the Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar mindlessly eating away at my life. He's not malicious, but he truly doesn't see the kids or me as real people with lives and feelings; he enjoys our attention, pets our heads, checks a few boxes, and that's it. If there's something he wants, he doesn't consider anyone else; we are NPCs in his world.
I'm not going to throw all the blame on my husband, though; I've been a total "Pick-Me" in this marriage. I've been a people-pleasing loser wanting him to choose me, and I've dragged this marriage past the expiration date. I second-guess constantly and don't always stand up for myself when I know I'll be resentful later. Maybe if I had been confident from the beginning, it wouldn't have gotten this lopsided, and he wouldn't be so offended when I needed to grow and put up boundaries.
Anyways, this is getting long. The relief is huge. I can't wait to figure out who I am as a person again; I'm not afraid of the future. I know I can solo this parenting/career shit like a champ, and I won't sit around feeling sorry for myself. I will make friends, build a community, and finally start living for myself. It's not going to be easy, but when has life ever been easy?
Is anyone else also going through a divorce? Is there any advice you'd give?