u/doughnutsan

I'm almost a year postpartum and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. My back and body hurt. I feel like I have the body of a 70 year old.

I've struggled with PMOS since I was 16 but wasn't diagnosed until I was 29. My weight has fluctuated my whole life and I've never been a small person. Since giving birth, I'm heavier than ever for a few reasons.

I developed PPA and PPD badly. I've been too anxious to go outside alone but I do try and go out for walks. I'm a depressive eater. My life lacks enrichment and my only source of happy feelings is food. But I already struggled with craving carbs from my condition and not sleeping.

The only time I started seeing progress in losing weight and feeling healthy was when I was weightlifting before baby. I did it to have a baby and now I feel back to square one but without the time I need to hone a routine.

I don't drive and I have one friend who is busy and a husband. By the time I have any time for myself I'm exhausted.

I just need encouragement or tips/advice if you've ever pulled yourself out of this pit?

Wake time 7AM with 3/3.15-30/4.30

Not sleep trained.

Bedtime routine is fresh diaper, jammies, sleep sack, bedtime song, feed and rocking chair.

Dinner is between 5:30 and 6:00.

Lately he's been drinking fewer and fewer oz of formula. Not eating as much solids.

He's also learning to stand and starting to take first steps.

Night sleep: For the past 3 nights he's been waking 4 or 5 times. Will take part of a bottle, then go to sleep. Wake up in hysterics an hour later.

Naps: Now I've tried putting him down for a nap and he just wants to stay awake. Babbling, chatting even though tired. Tried putting down sleepy but awake and he was upset. Eventually passed out after 10 minutes. Woke up 35 min into nap. Started over again. Crying again. Wants to sleep but won't stop crying.

Please help me figure this out. Im at a loss and am exhausted.

Our baby is almost a year old, and I've hit a wall I don't know how to name really. I love my husband, but we seem stuck in a loop of hurting each other without meaning to.

Since becoming a mom, I feel like I've lost myself. My brain never stops running through what needs doing next, I'm exhausted constantly, I don't recognize my body anymore, and most days I don't even hear my own name spoken until he walks in the door. My only real breaks are cooking and cleaning while he watches the baby after work, plus sleeping in on weekends, which I'm grateful for, but it's not the same as feeling like myself again. All I can do is nap when the baby naps too. I have several mental breakdowns a month about being unable to express myself creatively and carve time for the life giving activities I did before baby. He wants that for me but says he feels pressure to take the baby off my hands immediately so he doesn't have the time to help with that (I'm an artist and he needs to modify part of our house so I can paint and have a studio with ventilation. Too complicated to explain. I also can't drive)

He knows I'm dealing with postpartum depression and feels guilty for still wanting sex when I rarely do. Today, two minutes before the baby woke up from her nap, I asked him what he needed, and he said he was turned on and could use a handjob right then. I suggested we connect that evening instead, since that felt more intimate to me, and he replied "will we?"...meaning (or how I took it) would I actually follow through, or leave him hanging again. That single line wrecked me! It made me feel like my body was just a tool for someone else's use, like he cared more about getting off than about us actually being together.

We both ended up in tears. He's ashamed and embarrassed just for bringing up how he feels, and honestly struggles to talk about this stuff at all. I'm upset that he didn't clock how bad the timing was; my head was already halfway into the nursery, running through everything else I needed to do.

Now I'm spiraling a little. Part of me wonders if his shame is genuine or a way of making me feel guilty, even though he swears that's not his intention.

We used to have such a good sex life. Now I can't even orgasm without an hour of buildup, and we just don't have that kind of time anymore.

We still cuddle and watch movies together once a week after the baby's in bed, and he actively looks up events to get us out of the house. I know his character is good. But I'm so insecure, lonely, and depressed right now that I catch myself wondering if even that is just a means to an end for him. A way to get sex out of me eventually.

I miss wanting sex. Not just having it, but actually wanting it. I want to feel desired for my body, to know he still finds me attractive. But I also want to be wanted for who I am, not just what I can offer physically. The hard part is I don't even know who that person is anymore. I've lost touch with myself, and I don't know how to explain that to him or how to find her again.